Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Force of Destiny ❯ Emotional Aftermath ( Chapter 16 )

Well, audience. *crickets chirping* Ahem. To any of you who are still out there reading, I announce with relief that this fic is nearing the end. I'm not going to say how many chapters are left, since I never know when my muse will go off on some wild tangent, but the plot is reaching the pinnacle. I just hope it's not too anti-climactic! The next chapter is going to be quite citrusy, so don't mind all the angst in this chappie. All sulks and no sex makes Yuki a frustrated boy! See if you can figure out what's going to happen: I left quite a big hint. As always, thanks to my reviewers, and those of you who read and don't review (just like me *hangs head in shame*).

Jaredono: Hey, you're right! It was only a few days. Time drags when you're not having fun, I guess. Well, just to make up for it, I decided to wait longer this time! Just kidding...I just got so wrapped up in writin ghte next few chapters of this and my Shigure fic that I forgot to post. As always, thank you so much for pointing out the things you like--I didn't even think to correlate the Techi/choosing thing, and don't worry, there's going to be at least one more twist to that before this is done (and it is almost done). I have a question, though, do you always know how to read what I have in mind, or is my plot that predictable? If it's the latter, I'm going to have to work on that! *bows* Thanks for the reviews--I always look forward to them!

Hatori's_AnGeL:Wah! I'm so happy I made someone cry! That doesn't sound right, but it's the truth! I've never made myself get choked up by my own writing, but I have to admit that I took even myself by surprise. That chapter took off in a slightly different direction than I had first anticipated, but I'm happy with the result--especially if it could wring an honest emotional response from my AnGeL! *hugs*

Ssjgoddesschico: I thought I had lost you! I'm so glad to find out it was all a fevered dream (much like my writings)!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, but Shigure is hiding out in my bed. Shhh! Don't tell Takaya-sensei or Hakuensha, as he still has a few more...secrets...to teach me. Next week, the Mabudachi Trio is coming over for a sleepover!

Chapter 16: Emotional Aftermath

Slowly, slowly, the memories wash away, having run their course, leaving me with a strange sense of peace and an increased clarity of thought. The wrinkled blue ribbon is still fisted in my hand, crushed and broken. Forlorn, like me. No, like I was a few hours ago, but not now. Not with Kaji here, rubbing soothing circles on my back and stroking my hair as Tohru did for me that cold day in the woods. Is it disloyal of me to think this way about a woman I just met, when the woman I love has once again been threatened? I have loved Tohru for years, despaired and regretted her absence from my life for months, but now...I suddenly feel almost whole again around the fiery, vulnerable miko.

I feel supremely conflicted. I know that this emptiness in my heart will never be filled again by Tohru, and I never before considered the possibility that it ever would be filled at all. But now, I begin to wonder if perhaps I need not be forever alone. Do I dare hope that this void could be satisfied by a woman other than Tohru? I have to admit that my stay at the honke has allowed me vast amounts of time for introspection, and I have been slowly coming to a realization that, while the triangular relationship between Kyou, Tohru, and myself was essentially balanced, the interrelation between just Tohru and myself was terribly unbalanced. She was always the savior, the one who carried both my burdens and her own, and I selfishly, unthinkingly depended upon her to give me strength. I should have been the one to give her strength, to protect her, to listen to her problems and encourage her to be herself--all of the things Kyou does for her. I think perhaps I placed her on a pedestal, deliberately out of reach. That way, I could keep by distance, love her from afar with out having to risk myself. I have to wonder if that was even true love, or just my own desperate need for a goal to visualize. Shaking my head, I think, no, I truly do love Tohru, but perhaps not in the way I have believed--not the way that stupid cat does, by giving yourself wholeheartedly, flaws and all, no distance, no barriers.

I still feel incredible pain thinking about how Tohru does not even remember my name, except as a Juunishi she has never met, but when I watched Akito touching Kaji so intimately, hurting her...I felt a rage as powerful as any I had ever experienced before concerning Tohru. I wanted to rip the demon bodily off of her and rend his limbs from his body, not simply because he was hurting a woman, but because he dared to hurt my woman. He dared to touch the willful, innocent, passionate beauty who, within moments of our first meeting, had branded herself on my heart and made it claim her as unequivocally, irretrievably, undeniably mine. But, as I raise my head to gaze into her hazel eyes, dark with distress, I realize that she would not believe me were I to tell her so. Most likely, she would hurt me--at the least slap me, at the worst, burn me with her fireball. Akito's hurtful words had slipped under her abused skin very effectively, indeed. 'And your own sobbing reaction to Tohru's ribbon didn't help, moron.' sneers that honest voice. Bastard. But it is the truth; I have done just as much damage to her belief in me, in my motives for kissing her (repeatedly), simply by my outburst of emotion over a simple ribbon. I wish it were simple. This damage I can minimize, though, if not heal completely. All I have to do is explain about Tohru.

Taking Kaji's pale, slender hands in mine, I note with apprehension how stiff and cold they are. And no wonder, idiot! The woman was assaulted by a sadistic, abusive bastard, and all you can do is break down into tears like a little baby without sparing a thought for her undeniable need for solace. Gods! I'm doing it again: relying on others to comfort me and make me feel better, instead of standing and moving on under my own power. Tohru would be very disappointed in me, I think wryly, noting with a twinge of shock that the thought of her is not as painful as it used to be. Why? The catharsis of my torrent of tears? I never really did allow myself that kind of release before now, afraid to show weakness anywhere near Akito. Gazing at Kaji's pallid features, drawn tight with the aftermath of her trauma, I cannot help but feel that my newfound acceptance of Tohru as being firmly a part of my past has something to do with the effect the miko has on me. Did it all begin with that first awe-inspiring, exhilarating embrace? I shake my head a little. No. It is something else, something not connected to the fact that she is the only non-Juunishi woman who can hold me. If it were, I think it would cheapen all that has passed between us, lowering the explosive force of passion that occurred to something merely physical, something base and convenient, as Akito said. While I do not know how to categorize our tender, tenuous relationship, I am certain it is something more than chemistry, more than gratitude; it is almost spiritual.

I need to explain this to her---need to make her understand that Akito's sly suggestions are false and she need not feel debased or dirty about our sudden physical attraction to each other. I need to tell her how I cherish her gentle touch and revel in the light of life glowing in her eyes. And I need to begin by offering comfort, and telling her about Tohru. From the past into the future.

"Come here," I murmur soothingly, tugging her gently toward me. I give her plenty of time to pull away from me, afraid I will frighten her after her experience with Akito, though it seems to have happened often in the past. Rage bubbles up anew at the thought of the Souma head, but I tamp it down with no small effort. All my concentration needs to be on Kaji--she is the one in pain.

For a moment she resists, but then allows herself to be pulled against my body. I try to settle her comfortably against my chest, but I can feel how unyieldingly she is holding herself. Moving my hands to her shoulders, I rub gently, working out the tension, slowly moving the soothing motion to her neck and scalp. Sifting my fingers through her hair, I note with growing ire how long strands of fire are separating from the mass hanging down her back to curl onto he floor, aftereffects of Akito's vicious hair-pulling. Gradually, I feel the stiffness melt out of her and she leans against me, soft and warm and sweet. Vulnerable and aching and forlorn. I am possessed by a fierce need to protect her, and to reassure her of her worth---to me, if to no one else.

"How badly do you hurt?" I feel her move her head from side to side in a negative motion, silently trying to assure me she is fine. I don't believe her. I can still feel the barely congealed blood from the bite wound Akito inflicted, and I can only imagine the level of headache pounding away at her right now. It is probably a match for the one I am dealing with, thanks to that elbow to the jaw. Knowing Akito, though, he will let us suffer for about an hour before dispatching Hatori to clean up and doctor his messes, if only so we will be relatively healthy for the next round. I don't have much time, then, to explain everything to Kaji that I feel she needs to hear.

"Kaji," I begin hesitantly, unsure where to start, "don't take to heart what Akito said." I feel her tense again, ever so slightly. Gods, I'm not helping right now, only dragging out her insecurities, humiliation, and pain for review, but I need to confront all of that in order to overcome it. "You know that I do not view you as simply a physical release, right? Well, maybe you don't know, but I'm telling you. I do not think of you that way. You are fiery and passionate and beautiful and amazing, and you take my breath away. And I vow I will do everything within my power to get you and your sister out of here, away from Akito and all things Souma." I tighten my arms around her, earning a pained sound. I apologize for inadvertently hurting her, but the force of my emotions briefly got the better of me.

"I also want to explain to you about this ribbon; about Tohru. Will you listen?" Waiting breathlessly for her response, as it seems a long time in coming, I let out a long breath of relief when she nods her head once, hesitantly.

And so I begin a brief retelling of the woman who was a light in the darkness of my life as a Juunishi, and who showed me how to keep that fire going in my soul. I go into the least detail when I reach the point of Akito's ultimatum and gloss over the more intimate moments. Some things are simply sacred, and for me, my memories of that day are akin to a holy relic--something to be treated with utmost reverence and not meant for sharing with others. I think Kaji senses what to fill in the blanks with, though there really wasn't much to my physical relationship with Tohru.

When I finish, I notice with apprehension that, though her body remains relaxed against my chest, her head tucked under my chin, she stays silent for an unusually lengthy amount of time. As the minutes drag by, I begin to wonder if she has fallen asleep. Sometime during my story, I had begun to stroke her hair again, and now I continue this, soothing both her and myself. I don't touch her in any other way, though, not wanting to alarm her. I am prepared to wait for her to process the story, hoping and praying she will realize the reasoning behind the telling. I want her to know that my feelings for her, while powerful and similar, are still different than those I hold for Tohru. I need her to understand she is not a replacement, not emotionally, and certainly not physically, but I am afraid that spelling it out in plain words will engender her disbelief--and her continued distrust.

After a near eternity, Kaji stirs slightly against my chest, but does not raise her head. Instead, her words muffled by the fabric of my yukata and her own emotions, she asks a question that pierces my heart with the audible tone of self-doubt and uncertainty which emphasizes every word.

"Is what Akito said true? Did you think of Tohru while you were holding me, kissing me?"

"No!" I exclaim, a pang of pain arcing through me that she would so easily doubt, although she has been given little reason to trust anyone named Souma. I sigh, knowing I cannot justifiably blame her dubiousness, especially since I did think of Tohru while holding Kaji, but only to briefly regret that I never was able to share such contact with her. I did not pretend it was another woman in my arms, though, not another's lips pressed to mine, not another's scent and taste invading my senses and driving me wild. Every second, I was excruciatingly, exhilaratingly aware of only Kaji.

"No," I repeat more gently, determined to tell the truth, but to explain fully my thoughts, "not in the way you mean, anyway." She finally raises her head to look at me in anguished confusion, and I become momentarily lost in the depths of her eyes.

"What do you mean, then?" she asks sharply, visibly bracing herself for confirmation of her fears: that she was simply a physical replacement for a woman no longer within my reach.

"Yes, I did think of Tohru while I was holding you," inwardly I cringe at the flash of profound pain that invades her bright eyes, and kick myself for not being more gentle. But, dammit, I'm determined to tell the truth, and we're on a time frame here, as well. I don't exactly have a lot of patience and tact left after the night I've had. The only thing left to do is plow on, ignoring the suddenly closed, almost haughty expression that has come over her elegant features, and hope she forgives my gracelessness, "but--" the rest of my explanation--of course, the most important part assuring her that I never once mistook her for Tohru--is overridden by the sound of the fusuma sliding open to admit Hatori. He's early. I begin cursing under my breath.

"Akito must be truly worried about his little toys to send you so soon." I bite out acidly, aware that a great deal of damage is being done to my standing in Kaji's eyes now that I did not get to finish assuring her that I was not using her as a substitute for Tohru. She has quite visibly locked herself away from me, a mantle of icy hauteur, rivaling my own cool demeanor, surrounding her. However, I put my personal feelings aside, knowing Kaji's physical wounds need to be dressed.

Hatori simply raises an impassive eyebrow at my cutting tone, the other brow joining the ascent to his dark hairline as he takes in Kaji's stiff posture within the circle of my arms. Her body language is practically screaming her distaste at being anywhere near me. I simply glare back at him, wishing him and his astonishment cheerfully gone.

"I was informed that you two may need tending," is all he says, not having to spell out whom it was that 'informed' him of our injuries.

"Yes. Kaji is the worst off." Reluctantly I release her, and she gratefully detaches herself from me. Hatori gestures her over to a spot where the light is best, across the room, I notice, and she sinks down gracefully, exhaustion etched into every fine line of her body.

I watch with barely concealed tension as the doctor matter-of-factly begins to examine and categorize her injuries, but his brusque, emotionless manner is belied by the gentleness of his touch. My hands clench into fists, and Akito's taunts of letting Hatori 'have' Kaji flood back to the forefront of my mind. Did the demon say that simply to get a reaction, as I had first believed, or is it because he has seen something in the way the stoic dragon reacts to the fierce beauty? Even in the depths of my growing jealousy, I recognize what a good pair they would make---her openness and passion a perfect foil for his cold and aching heart. After all that Hatori has been through, all that he has lost, who deserves love more? 'I do!' screams my heart, 'I have lost love, and my freedom as well. Don't I deserve love, too?' While my head is fiercely arguing with my heart that it is too soon after losing Tohru to think of loving another woman--a woman I just met literally hours ago--my animal instincts let out a possessive, warning growl at the way my cousin is touching 'my' woman, doctor or no. God, she would give me what-for if she only had the barest hint of my thoughts!

At the feral sound that rumbles in my chest, Hatori glances over at me, languidly taking in my stance: feet braced, arms and shoulders tense, fists clenched and ready to strike. Again, that damned annoying eyebrow rises as he notes the warning glint in my narrowed eyes, then nonchalantly turns away to refocus his concentration on disinfecting Kaji's various cuts and scratches. He didn't turn away fast enough, however, for me to miss the amused twitching at the corner of his lips. Relaxing slightly, I realize how utterly ridiculous I'm being. Of course Hatori will touch her gently--he's a good doctor. He may have a terrible bedside manner, but he is never deliberately rough with patients. Well, except for with Shigure, but he deserves it. Besides, I have absolutely no right to feel possessive or jealous, seeing as how I have just recently hurt her so terribly. And what of my feelings for Tohru? I drop my head into my hands, groaning as I sink my elbows onto my knees and await my turn at being nursed. The low murmur of Hatori's and Kaji's voices barely penetrates my mind, which is awhirl with tangled, confused thoughts and conflicting emotions. What I need is a good few hours of sleep to help sort this all out. No, scratch that, before sleep I need to finish my talk with Kaji. I peer at the pair across the room from between my fingers, thinking how unlikely it is that she will let me say more than monosyllabic words to her now, but the sight that greets me has my head snapping up in surprised anger. Jealously boils and surges anew within me, bubbling in my chest and causing me to grind my teeth. He is touching her, really touching...and she is touching him back! Hatori is crouched beside her, their faces almost in contact as he leans in to inspect the damage Akito has wreaked on her tender skin, deep voice expressing apologies. The doctor is examining her bruised cheek, fingers gently probing the injury for breaks. When he hits a particularly tender spot, she winces and her hand instinctively covers his hand, stopping further painful action.

The sight of Kaji's slender, ivory fingers over the dragon's tanned, tapered ones is transfixing, and a strange mixture of envy and despair rolls through me. 'He's just her doctor!' I remind myself a little desperately, but I recall Kaji telling me that she has met Hatori before. I also remember the implication that Akito ordered her to 'subdue' the Juunishi dragon's trigger, as well, which would mean that, at the very least, they had shared an embrace to prove the effectiveness of the experiment. There would be no conflict in my heart if a simple hug was the most intimacy shared in their past encounters, but given Akito's implications of previous and frequent abuse, she could have required quite extensive and routine care from the doctor. In all likelihood, she knows Hatori much better than she know me. Has she kissed him, held him, touched him as she has me? The rational part of my mind scoffs at this, as it characterizes the fierce yet innocent Kaji as something of a fickle and wild trollop. But there is always the possibility that Akito forced Hatori on her...Shaking my head to scatter that unproductive and completely irrational train of thought, I focus on my cousin's face instead. As I just told myself, Kaji is innocent, so the danger would lie with the doctor. I cannot picture him taking advantage of anyone (except Shigure), least of all a woman, but as I have so recently been made aware, the force of passion can make you do things you never thought yourself capable of.

Kaji has removed her hands from his, but now she is tenderly stroking his hair from his face, a look of gentle concern stamped on her delicate features. The same look of concern she directed at me not too long ago. Gah! It is all I can do to keep from launching myself at the pair, hauling the spitfire into my arms and ravaging her mouth in front of my cousin. That would effectively stake my claim! That would also earn me a well-deserved uppercut from the taller, heavier man, I think wryly, choosing to not think about what Kaji would do. I come to the sad conclusion that I will have to bite my lip and take this gut-wrenching display in silence. If I had only been quicker in explaining my feelings for her...but now all I can do is wait for Hatori to leave so I can finish what he interrupted. Fortunately, the doctor pulls away from her touch, but not without first bestowing upon her one of those rare smiles that used to be only for Tohru. A light bulb goes off in my head, and my shoulders relax completely. The Juunishi dragon sees Kaji in the same way he sees Tohru: a light to his cursed darkness, a treasure to protect and cherish, a younger sister. I hope. Well, nothing for it now but to try to push him out the door so I can finish my discussion with Kaji. The doctor is moving over to me now, intent on checking my own injuries. Almost done, I think with relief. Before I can get my hopes up for privacy and a speedy resolution to our emotional conflict, though, I hear Hatori telling Kaji that Akito has requested her to bathe, then return to her room for some rest.

"A kimono suitable for dinner will be brought to you." he finishes gruffly, obviously uncomfortable with having to relay orders of any kind to the woman who has been so thoroughly victimized by our family head.

I turn my head sharply to spear him with a look, "What? Dinner? Why?" The string of short questions punctuates the sudden heaviness of the atmosphere. Looking from Kaji to Hatori, I notice the increased tension of both. Kaji's is understandable--the implication of the order is that she will be dining with the demon. Is Hatori's sudden reluctance to look me in the eye a result of his own sense of guilt and regret that he had to relay such distasteful news? If so, it is not like him at all, as he usually makes his decisions, then lives with the consequences, neither making excuses nor wallowing in regrets. It is the only way he has survived the harsh punishments suffered--and bestowed-by Akito's whims.

Still not meeting my eye, he addresses me and explains, "You will be dining with Akito and his guests tonight, as well, Yuki." Something in way he delivers this pronouncement, some undercurrent of apology and tense anticipation has my heartbeat picking up pace in sudden dread.

I swallow heavily and rasp, "Guests?" He nods jerkily, then finally meets my gaze with his dusky green one. The regret shining in his eyes has panicked suspicion spurting through my veins and my breath comes jerkily. 'No', my heart moans in despair, 'anything but that.' But, of course, I know that it would be the exact thing Akito would plan on--the perfect twist of the knife. I need Hatori to confirm it, though.

"Himiko, myself and Shigure," he pauses for a seeming eternity here, gathering his courage to tell me the rest. I wait, barely breathing, for the other shoe to drop, "Kyou and Honda-kun."

Breath explodes from my lungs with the force of my pain. Tohru. Here, tonight with her lover. No doubt the couple had finally received their blessing to be married from Akito, and tonight's dinner was to be a small 'celebration' of their happiness. Salt in the wound. I groan, closing my eyes in defeat. And I am going to have to smile and pretend bright, innocent, gentle Honda Tohru is a perfect stranger who never asked to be my friend, never gave me strength to overcome the harsh realities of my cursed life, never kissed me, never told me she loved me...I give a harsh bark of laughter, the sound grating to my ears. I had almost convinced myself I was getting over the loss of her, when in reality I had barely begun the healing process. And Kaji! What must she think of this almost farcical mess? I snap my eyes open to gaze at her, standing transfixed, stunned by the prospect of having to meet with the woman she believes herself a substitute for. Oh, if only you knew...I think. I must tell her now, that the hurtful words spoken just prior to Hatori's arrival are not what she so obviously thinks. I must explain NOW, while I still have the chance, but before I can do more than open my mouth, she turns abruptly on her heel, headed for the door.

"Kaji!" I exclaim, thankful to at least get her to halt in front of the door. Her shoulders are tense, taut as a bowstring, so brittle it seems the slightest touch could snap her. My heart aches for the pain she is suffering for simple lack of clarification. But I can solve that!

"Save it. You will want to be well-rested for tonight, Yuki. Your true love is coming to see you." Beneath the bitter sneer of her words is a strong undercurrent of pain and resignation, tugging at my heart. My hand lifts from my side and I take a step forward to stop her, but Hatori puts a heavy, restraining hand on my shoulder, shaking his head at me. While I am battling the dragon's hold, Kaji quietly thanks the doctor for her care, slides open the fusuma to the hallway and slips out on silent feet.

"Dammit!" I explode, throwing my cousin's hand off, enraged his interference caused critical opportunity to slip away, "Why did you let her go?"

Hatori simply regards me levelly, taking in my flushed cheeks, angry eyes and clenched fists, all screaming out my agitation. After a minute of this stare, I finally begin to calm down, my shoulders slumping, chin dropping to my chest in temporary defeat. My headache is pounding twice as badly as before, and I feel as if my jaw is hinged improperly. Akito caught me harder than I originally thought.

"I don't know exactly what is going on between you and Himiko, but you need to think carefully before you act. Akito is in a lather over that girl, and it hasn't been too many months since he acted out his revenge on the last woman you showed affection for," he reminds me pointedly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" the question is sharp and defensive. I don't need him to remind me of what happened to Tohru because of me!

"What I'm saying is this: if you thought Akito was rabid about Honda-kun, a normal girl, that's nothing compared to how he's reacting to Himiko, a woman with the potential power to break the Juunishi curse--and his power over us all. She is a threat of the worst kind to him. Think twice before getting involved with her. She's got enough problems without you adding to them."

Though I know what Hatori is saying has great merit, and is mostly truth, there is one salient detail he is missing. I do not hesitate to enlighten him.

"Get involved with her? Akito practically threw her at me!" I purposely left out Akito's inclusion of the dragon as a potential recipient of Kaji's forced attention. "He said she was a 'gift' and implied he would condone any relationship between us." Something didn't sound quite right about that interpretation of the Juunishi master's magnanimous order, but I didn't have long to wait for the brusque, perceptive doctor to point out my error.

"Do you really think Akito would condone a genuine emotional attachment between you two?" he stresses the words 'genuine' and 'emotional'. "Just like he accepted your love for Tohru?" and his for Kana, is the unspoken continuation of that thought. At my silence, he sighs, shoulders dropping slightly before he reaches out to begin probing at the puffiness along my jaw line.

"Well, thankfully your jaw isn't broken, and you won't show any bruising until tomorrow." Meaning I won't have to explain to Tohru why I am black and blue, making a bad 'first impression' on her. It is going to be rough enough providing a suitable reason for Kaji's injuries. The bruised cheek can be justified through some convenient accident, but the bite to her neck will be visible in a kimono. Perhaps that is the point; Akito is planning on using her as a visual aid to everyone at the dinner table--a warning against what happens to innocent young women when his Juunishi 'pets' misbehave. If I want to keep Tohru protected, I will need to keep my mouth shut and my hands off of Kaji. The conclusion scrapes along my mind, leaving behind a raw rash of sadness and disappointment over what might have been. However, Hatori is right: to protect both Kaji and Tohru, I need to distance myself and deny all feelings of tenderness for them. My love can only hurt them further. Especially Kaji, now that she is directly within Akito's sphere of influence.

I can tell Hatori has read my expression properly, my resolve to separate myself from the two women who mean so much to me. Sympathy suddenly softens his eyes and he squeezes my shoulder lightly before advising, "Maybe you should clean up and get some rest, as well. It's going to be a long, difficult evening." His hand rests on my shoulder for a moment longer before he hauls himself to his feet, fatigue radiating from him in waves, and pads out of the room.

Alone again, I think heavily, feeling the walls of the room, my prison, closing around me once more. Rising to my feet, I acknowledge that the idea of a bath does sound good. A long, relaxing soak in hot water to ease the aches and pains from my worked-over body. As I open a closet to take out my bathing supplies, I look out of the open shoji that frames a view of the garden. Was it really only a matter of hours ago that my moonlit vision of ethereal beauty first appeared there? Musing silently on how she looked, backed by blooming cherry trees and limned with the pearlescent glow of the moon, I feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth and my heart doesn't seem quite as leaden as it did a few moments ago. Coming out of my reverie, I turn to the hall door and absently note that the sun is just peeking over the top of the high garden wall. It's the start of a new day.