Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Force of Destiny ❯ Interlude: Kaji ( Chapter 19 )

Oh! I almost forgot: Someone asked what my pen name means. 'Tsukitani' = 'Valley of the Moon' or 'Moon Valley' There is a story behind it, as it is a partial play on kanji having to do with my real name...it's very long and involved, but suffice it to say, I chose it mainly because I like the way it sounds, and when I think of the moon, I think of some of my favorite bisshies: Kurama, Yue, and Sesshoumaru.

Now, on with the other half!

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Disclaimer: Fruits Basket does not belong to me, but Shigure would own me if he would just ask.

Chapter 19: Interlude-Kaji

"Yuki, please," I beg, finally raising tear-stained eyes to his, letting him see just how important this is to me, how desperate I am to halt this before I cannot let go. I feel as if my heart is being torn out of my chest as I watch him struggle to come to terms with my statements, my supplication. He is balanced on that razor-sharp edge between doubt and capitulation, the war playing out clearly in his beautiful, expressive eyes. I give him that final nudge, for my own sanity's sake, "Just for now, just for tonight." A compromise, a promise I cannot afford to keep.

It is all that he needs to hear, and I let out a sigh of relief and offer up a silent prayer of gratitude and repentance. Yuki's face relaxes, but his gaze still retains a spark of defiance. Oh, well, I didn't anticipate winning any battle against him would be easy; Yuki may be quiet and calm most of the time, but his cool exterior hides a will of steel. Fortunately for me, I am in possession of an equally rigid spine.

Yuki needed to understand how important this is to me, to us. He MUST understand.

He deserves a choice.

And I plan to give him that choice--tonight.

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I would have thought the new sensitivity Yuki engendered in my body, embedded into my very skin, would have kept my thoughts firmly rooted in the passion-laden lovemaking we just indulged in. Unwisely indulged in, I remind myself, scrubbing harder at my hair in self-disgust. This is separating myself from him? I think sarcastically. But I can no more deny my need to experience Yuki's tender fervor again than I can deny my body air. He calls to me, pulls at me in ways that leave me trembling in fear and anticipation of the undeniable, irresistible nature of our sudden bond. But, is it a bond only I feel? As I absently rinse the shampoo from my hair and smooth conditioner into the heavy, wet mass, I let my thoughts travel back over the last events in Yuki's room.

I can only imagine what had been going through Yuki's mind as he clutched at the trinket Akito had so thoughtfully gifted him with. I remember him crouched, huddled and in pain, as if protecting not just the blue scrap of cloth cradled lovingly in his sender hands, but the precious memory of a lost friend; a first, forbidden love. How can I possibly compete with that? my mind screams in frustration. For such a small reminder of her to have such an emotional impact on him...it drove home with painful force the realization that I have no place in his life, except as a woman who can touch him as others cannot. Hard on the heels of that thought was the tiny, betraying voice of Akito, repeating the sly, slick words that sowed doubt, and I had to ask, had to hear from Yuki's own lips if the demon's innuendos were false. Forgotten was my own terror upon seeing the feather from Kuroko, the irridescent gloss a slash of black abandonment splashed across the neutral background of the tatami. But I couldn't bring myself to utter the words that would elicit the answer my heart knew would be forthcoming. I was afraid; terrified to a depth that easily outpaced my reaction to Akito's abuses and outstripped my worry and fear for my own sister's safety. I know that, in those instances, I always have the option and ability to try to counter the sadistic devil. I only choose not to because simply giving in guarantees Kuroko's safety for a time. But my fear over Yuki's true feelings for me-- I can do nothing about that. I am absolutely helpless to change his heart and that makes me perfectly powerless.

When, after he recovered from his shock at Akito's implied threat to Tohru, Yuki moved to hold me, I resisted; some instinctual reaction of self-protection. I was petrified I would break down again--weak, desperate, defenseless. I hate being vulnerable in any way, yet it is all I seem to be since coming to this place. Yet even Akito, in his terrible rage and unpredictable nature, has not been able to strip me so bare, lay me low, as Yuki's simple gifts of comfort and understanding can. Contrarily, that same spine-weakening solace gives me an unimaginable amount of strength. This juxtaposition of conflicting emotions gives Yuki a power over me that is terrifying in its intensity and utter completeness. His trauma is my trauma. His lost love is my lost love, for he is now lost to me. Despite what he said moments ago, no matter if he truly believes he is falling in love with me, I know this cannot possibly be fact. All the proof I need is in my memory of his crushed countenance as he trembled and sobbed over the neglected azure reminder of his first love.

Sitting in his room within the circle of his arms, the depth of his love for Tohru had sunk in and I realized that what Akito said must be true--or was based in fact, at the very least. I know Yuki would never knowingly set out to use me, but unconsciously...That was entirely believable, even probable. And I, in my blind pain, was ready to take the word of a manipulative bastard over the gentle, sensitive, amazing man who had begun to make a home for himself in my heart. More fool I! But I couldn't stop the feelings of hurt and bitter betrayal from swamping my reason, ripping at my insides with sharp claws of pain and jealousy. With my last scrap of sanity, I had asked Yuki for the truth, thinking to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Giving a little self-depreciating chuckle, I sink lower into the hot, scented water of the tub and reflect on my own self-deceptive nature. I did not give Yuki the benefit of the doubt. The evidence is in how I had steeled myself to hear confirmation of Akito's hurtful accusation from his beautiful mouth. If I truly had believed in his strength of character, then I would have been more surprised at his response. Instead, avoiding looking into his expressive eyes, I likewise avoided looking deeper into his words, taking them at face value only and stripping away from him all chance to explain himself by running away.

'Is what Akito said true? Did you think of Tohru while you were holding me, kissing me?'

'No!' a pause, then, 'Yes, I did think of Tohru while I was holding you, but--' and I was never so glad for an interruption as I was then. Hatori entered the room, thankfully cutting off any excuses Yuki could make. With his incriminating, albeit unfinished, words, I had felt my brittle heart at last crumble in a shower of sparkling 'what-if's and 'could-have-been's. Beautiful dreams, but dreams none the less.

As soon as Hatori entered the room, though, my concern had been immediately transferred to the weary-looking doctor. My heartsore, guilt-laden friend, the first person in this house to show concern for me, to try to protect me from Akito's dark demands, had smudges under his olive eyes, and lines of stress and exhaustion pulled at the corners of his chiseled lips. Without thinking, I had reached up to cover his hand on my injured cheek with my own, stilling his gentle ministrations long enough to catch his undivided regard. I have learned from past experience that, given an opening, Hatori is a master of avoiding questions about his own welfare, but trap him into having to pay attention to you and you may get somewhere. Hence the holding of his hand--he couldn't ignore me. Besides, I could read the tenseness, the severe emotional strain he was under, from his aura. Under the usual dull, somber bronze lay hints of depressing black and flickers of angry green. Hatori, the strong, stoic doctor, was close to snapping.

Instincts kicking in, I reached my hand up to brush the thick, black hair of his bangs away from his handsome face, gently extending tendrils of my energy to his to soothe and repair the tattered edges. I knew he had been kept constantly busy, doctoring the sickly and demanding Akito, but now that I had met Yuki and heard his horrific tale, I realized it was the added weight of concern for his cousin and beloved Tohru that had brought him so low. Compassion flooded my heart, threatening a new round of tears. Only the knowledge that Hatori would feel even more guilt about this kept them from spilling over. That, and the surprising sound of Yuki growling.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the flare of gold in the Juunishi mouse's energy, indicating intense emotion. Was he truly jealous? Of Hatori touching me, tending my injuries? No, it was only when I touched the dragon that the sound of grinding teeth could clearly be heard. In my ignorance, I had felt a spurt of petty satisfaction at Yuki's childish display of possessiveness. After what I faultily took to be his admission to using me as a replacement for Tohru, I thought he had no right to play the jealous lover! Looking back on that scene now, I wish I had stayed longer, shown some trust--not to mention backbone--and waited to hear the rest of Yuki's explanation, but I couldn't bear to be in the same room with him a moment longer than necessary. Especially after hearing Akito had invited Tohru for dinner. That could only mean one thing: Yuki was now realizing what a horrific mistake he had made by touching me. O Ye of little faith.

Standing from the bath, feeling the warmth of the water sheeting down my clean skin in warm rivulets, my mind wanders involuntarily, irresistibly, back to Yuki. My gaze brushes across the low bathing stool where we explored our passion and our bodies, still where we left it under the shower head. I feel my skin heating with more than the residual temperature of the bathwater, but I cannot bring myself to regret what happened in even the smallest way. Well, no, my only regret is that Yuki witnessed my utter breakdown, caught me bawling like a baby and attempting to scrub the skin from my body. I shake these thoughts off and wrap a fluffy towel around my deliciously sensitive skin, ignoring the twinges of pain caused by my injuries. Akito has no place in my warm thoughts right now, and I firmly push them to the back of my mind. As a result, Yuki jumps to the forefront once again (or did he ever really leave?), and I would be irritated at how he is monopolizing my thoughts if it weren't so important for me to sort events and feelings out before tonight's ordeal.

It's strange, I muse, I used to love reading those stories where the protagonist is in love with someone who is in love with someone else. Like an ignorant fool, I believed those love triangles were terribly romantic, just because they always had a happy ending. Upon experiencing the debilitating agony of such a plight myself, though, I now realize that, instead of 'terribly romantic', such a dilemma is simply 'terrible'. And though Yuki claims to have placed Tohru firmly in his past and is in love with me now, I know better.

A vivid memory of my blue and Yuki's pale purple energy reaching out to tangle together flashes across my mind. I shake off the remembrance. That was a fluke--an unexplainable and therefore irrelevant happenstance, perhaps simply a reaction to adrenaline rush we both experienced at our first meeting, courtesy of Akito. We have not known each other long enough to form any kind of true love bond. 'But you are in love with him, and you've known him just as long as he has you, hypocrite,' a small, irritatingly rational voice insists. 'That's different,' I assure myself importantly, 'I'm a woman.' I didn't know rationality could snort, but a distinctly derisive noise sounds between my ears. Great. I'm going insane. I press my hands to the sides of my head, as if I can keep the plates of my cranium from flying apart from the force of the discordant thoughts and emotions pushing outward from all directions.

Despite my intense turmoil, though, my conflicting joy in Yuki's lovemaking, and terrible guilt over said act, one concept emerges crystal clear: I will do all within my power to make Yuki happy. A plan has been forming in my mind, catapulted into existence during the glorious instant of explosive release our shared physical passion wreaked, and I will risk all to put it into action. I am willing to risk my chance to end my family's curse, court the dangers of severe punishment at Akito's violent hands, and will willingly give Yuki to another woman if I must. Happily do so. Because I love him. And because I love him, I want only his happiness.

I have returned to my room, absently noting the beautiful kimono neatly folded on the futon, silent reminder of the trials that await Yuki and myself tonight. As I remember the stark, unbelieving terror in his beautiful eyes as Hatori relayed the guest list of Akito's little dinner party, my resolve to end my love's pain through any means necessary strengthens. Strangely, I find that my determination to remove Kuroko from this house increases, as well, and I am no longer afraid of what Akito will do to me. Like a lightening bolt, realization strikes me: Akito will not harm Kuroko, for she is his leverage over me. If he harms her, he knows he will lose all hope of my cooperation, and since he cannot threaten me with memory erasure...but there is Yuki now. I sigh. If my plan works, though, the threat to Yuki will be removed, and I will be free to go after the Souma clan head without compunction. My fingers twitch in joyous anticipation of unleashing the full force of my power against the monster who has ruined so many lives with carefree abandon. I will lift the curse, thus breaking his power. Strong, courageous, tormented Yuki and gentle, brusque Hatori will be freed from their Juunishi demons and can live normal, happy lives. But before that, there is one other matter to attend to. The timing has to be just right, though...

As I close my eyes, thinking of the logistics of my plan, rehearsing the steps I will need to take--concentration is key--I feel myself drifting, relaxing. Even now, knowing that Yuki only thinks he is in love with me and I must give him up, I cannot help but want to rebuild those flights of lovely fancy where we are happily in love; for a moment I forget that 'happily ever after' was never meant for me. Until my sister is free of the curse, my life has but one purpose, one goal, one destiny. Until that aim is reached, my fate will never deviate from its current lonely path, no matter how hard I wish it otherwise. It is my curse, after all. I can feel a bittersweet smile tugging at the corners of my kiss-swollen lips as sleep finally claims my over-worked mind, enfolding me in dark warmth and pulling me into blessedly dreamless slumber.

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TT: *clicks on a flashlight, revealing inside of a closet* *whispers* Okay, I think I'm safe for now. Yuki's gone a little overboard with the sudden influx of hormones. Not to worry, though. Shi-kun will keep me safe.

*footsteps coming down hallway, then stopping in front of door*

TT: *groans* Uh-oh...

Yuki: *punches fist through closet door and leers at TT through the hole* Here's Yuki! I've always wanted to say that. *opens door* Why are you running from me? You told me you think I'm sexy! *pouts*

TT: *backing up into corner* Well, yeah, you are...but not when you're pouting.

Yuki: *grins wickedly and stalks into closet* Oh, really? How about now?

TT: *melting into a puddle of sex-starved woman* Oh, yeah. That's the expression I love. Rowr! *shakes head* What the hell am I doing? I have more chapters to write! And remember, I warned you about making you do uncomfortable things with Akito if--

Yuki: *backs up hastily* Alright, alright! I'm sorry! *pauses thoughtfully* Say, you wouldn't happen to have more lemons in mind for me, would you?

TT: *eyes Yuki warily* I don't know...it depends on if you're a good boy or not. Why?

Yuki: Well, if I am a really...REALLY good boy *leers at TT* would you grant me a request?

TT: I'll think about it, if you promise to stop chasing me around. What is it?

Yuki: *whispers into TT's ear for a moment*

TT: HENTAI! I don't do threesomes! *slaps Yuki and runs out of the closet*

Yuki: *rubbing cheek and yelling after TT* That's not what Shigure and nii-san said! *chuckles* That was fun! Review and she might spice up my sex life some more! Please!