Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Gone Full Circle ❯ Down, Down, Down ( Chapter 13 )

Gone Full Circle

 

Angst alert!

Chapter 13: Down, Down, Down

 

Haru couldn't believe it had already come. Yuki and Kyo's graduation. For months he'd watched his two older cousins fight, knowing what was at stake, and watched Kyo lose. He knew what would happen as soon as the ceremony was over, and, though he didn't want to watch, he still sat in the friends and family section with the rest of the Juunishi, Kazuma and, yeah, Akito, waiting for it to start.

 

***

 

The cat ran a nervous hand through his hair and his other hand fiddled furiously at the necklace. It was a horrible habit he'd picked up. He was fairly certain he was going to be sick. Kyo was really scared about this, and Tohru and Yuki's attitudes definitely weren't helping. Tohru was excited, and Yuki was just... unsympathetic even though HE knew. Kyo'd hidden the bag of his things and he'd be leaving as soon as he got the proof that he'd finished high school.

 

***

 

Well, Yuki was a little more nervous than Kyo was giving him credit for, but that was more to do with Akito being there than actually graduating. He was doing a relatively decent job of hiding it too.

 

"So, Honda-san," He smiled at her. "Are you excited about this?"

 

The onigiri's grin spread. "Oh yes! Mom is going to be SOOOO proud!" She just about squealed with excitement. "But I guess all I'm worried about is... What to do after this is all over." That was a good question; you can't just sit around in Shigure's house forever.

 

"Well, there will be plenty of opportunities once we're out of school." He pointed out.

 

***

 

Well, they eventually had to go out and stand in a big assembly of people while they waited for their graduation to be acknowledged. Kyo checked to make sure his bag was safe one last time before he joined the masses. Then it was only a matter of waiting for his name to be called. Tohru was before them all, and he managed to smile for her... But the rest of the time he was probably the most miserable looking kid in the place. Eventually it came down the list to the two graduating Sohmas. Kyo first, then Yuki. When it was over the red head walked sluggishly to where he'd left his things. Scooped them up, and headed for the back door. He was going the walk up to town, and get a bus or a taxi or something that went out of town.

 

***

 

Haru watched him go, and started to get up and follow, but then he felt Akito's eyes on him, and fell unhappily back down into his seat. He pretty much zoned out for the rest of the ceremony, and once it was over, he headed for the back door, with a fruitless prayer that Kyo would still be there but, no. He was long gone by this point.

 

***

 

Yuki wasn't looking for the cat. He was looking for a place that would potentially be safe from Akito's gaze when he ran into Haru.

 

"Oh," He blinked for a moment when he saw the ox. "What are you doing back here, Haru?"

 

"I fucked up." Haru mumbled in realization as he stared helplessly at the street. "I really, honestly fucked up."

 

Legitimately confused, the rat just blinked. "Haru, what are you talking about?"

 

"I fucked up, Yuki." He repeated, sitting heavily down onto the curb. "I... I should have listened to Shihan and told him when I had the chance but... now he's gone and I'll never be able to..."

 

The rodent mouthed out an `Oh' of understanding. "Not to be unhelpful... But, yeah. You messed up." Yuki murmured quietly.

 

Of course, it really was only a matter of time before Haru lost it and went Black. It just happened a bit... sooner than anyone would have thought.

 

"And YOU!" He turned cold gray eyes onto his older cousin. "You didn't help either. Why didn't you ever let him WIN?"

 

"Why would I?" He honestly had to wonder why the ox suddenly cared. He'd always just sat by, watched the fights and pretty much clapped when Yuki won. "I wasn't going to just boost his self-esteem by losing."

 

"You REALLY never figured it out, did you?" He stood up again quite suddenly. "You never figured out why he kept fighting you, even though he knew he'd lose!"

 

"Haru, what are you talking about?" Yuki is rather dense in some areas.

 

"It's too late now anyway, I'm sure Shihan wouldn't care if you know now…" He mused before simply blurting out. "Kyo made a deal with Akito, that if he beat you before he graduated, Akito wouldn't lock him up."

 

Yuki paused to process that. It really was true when Kyo had told him it was his fault...

 

"But I... didn't know that..." The rat tried in his own defense. Haru just stared at him for a minute, and didn't even notice he was about to cry until he actually was.

 

"Goddam." He groaned, dropping unhappily down to his knees as they gave way underneath him. "That's your own damn fault for living in a bubble." He pointed out, not even trying to catch his tears just yet. "He's GONE now, and he STILL hates me..." He growled, and punched the pavement beneath him. Hard. He didn't even care that the skin on his knuckles broke on contact and they were now bleeding. "I don't even know what I DID to him..." He wasn't really talking to Yuki anymore. More like just ranting at the world in general, with the emphasis on himself. Yuki really hadn't known that Haru was THIS attached to Kyo.

 

"You know. Kyo told Shihan a lot. You could probably ask him?" He offered, trying to be at least a LITTLE helpful. Haru's eyes widened a lot as he realized that Yuki was right. Climbing shakily back to his feet, he grabbed Yuki's wrist with his bleeding hand and started to drag him back toward the door where they could go back inside and find Kazuma.

 

"C'mon," He ordered lowly in explanation. "You're coming too."

 

However, the ox stopped dead in his tracks when he saw whom Kazuma was talking to. Akito.

 

"So, Kazuma." Akito didn't CARE if Haru and Yuki were there. The rat was happy for the ox's stopping though. He didn't want to go over by Akito. "Where is he?" He hissed. The cat wasn't out here with the other graduates, and he was rather annoyed by this.

 

"I have no idea." Kazuma answered quite honestly. He knew Kyo was gone, but the cat had never told him where he was going.

 

His dark eyes narrowed angrily. "He wouldn't have happened to have... left, would he?"

 

"He might have." Kazuma replied vaguely. "Or he might be hiding. You can't really blame him for either, Akito-san." If they hadn't been in public Akito probably would have grabbed the front of his robes and pulled him down to his level.

 

"If, that's the way it's going to be... Perhaps YOU should take his place?! The cat's home is all ready." He seethed.

 

"As you wish, Akito-san." Kazuma shrugged. If he went, then Akito would never be able to touch Kyo. He would always be safe then.

 

"You take away all the fun with your attitude, Kazuma." Akii was just about frothing at the mouth he was so annoyed. Well, even though Kazuma hadn't said it, his answers showed that the wretched cat wasn't here any longer. He had no more use for this gray haired bastard, therefore he stalked off. Once he was SURE Akito was out of hearing range,

 

Haru called cautiously to Kazuma, "Shihan?" in an indirect way of asking if the older man was not hurt. Kyo would have hated that.

 

"Hmm?" The man blinked over at them. "Oh," His gaze caught to where Haru was holding Yuki's wrist and: "You're bleeding, Hatsuharu."

 

"Huh?" He honestly hadn't noticed, but upon hearing that, he glanced down at it. "Oh... uh, yeah..." He agreed absently. Yes, he was bleeding, wasn't he? "Shihan," He got back to what he actually wanted to know. "Kyo's gone... isn't he?"

 

"I'm fairly certain." He wasn't positive because he hadn't been able to see Kyo off. But the plan had been for Kyo to leave.

 

"Shihan..." He looked quite sad, by this point, and Yuki noted this too. "Shihan, when I was little, what did I say to Kyo the first time I went Black on him?" He wanted to know.

 

Kazuma had to paused and think about that for a moment. "Something, about Yuki being an angel, or maybe it was a god... Then when Kyo suggested if that's how you felt, you should go away... You thought that was a good idea... since Yuki was so many times better than.... him." The Shishou paused for a moment. "I do believe that's the first time you called him a stupid cat too... Right there..." He nodded after thinking a moment longer. "Yes, that's right, because he punched you right after that. For being just like everyone else in the family." he smiled grimly. "Then there was the unforgettable, 'I really thought I loved you, I was wrong' as you ran past me."

 

"Oh?" Haru blinked. He really didn't remember that. Yuki was blushing, and had been since the 'angel' bit.

 

"I'm fairly certain that was it." Kazuma confirmed.

 

"Oh..." He frowned. He should have asked about six months ago. Or... years. Because, now he knew, and it was too late to apologize. However, he did drop Yuki's wrist and walk off. He didn't even care if he got lost; he had nowhere to go, anyways.

 

"Has anyone explained to Tohru-san yet?" He looked over kindly at Yuki.

 

Yuki's eyes widened. He hadn't even thought about that. "Uh-uh..." He shook his head.

 

"Hmm, I feel a bit bad for her." The Shishou murmured sympathetically.

 

"I'll explain to Honda-san, Shihan." Yuki volunteered, bowing to him before taking off to find Tohru and try to explain to her.

 

 

She looked like she might cry, too. And Uo and Hana, who were lurking nearby, looked like they might kill Yuki for whatever it was he told Tohru.

 

"Oh..." The onigiri mumbled helplessly. "I guess.... We'll miss him... But... as long as... he's safe..."

 

"Honda-san," Yuki spoke quietly to her. "If he'd stayed, he would have been hurt... maybe even killed. It really is better that he left."

 

Tohru nodded. "I understand, Yuki-kun." But, she was rather sad no one had told her. She might have been able to help, or at the very least say goodbye.

 

***

 

Haru WASN'T in the best condition by the time a month had passed. He was practically drowning in his own depression, and it was worrying those around him. (Whoever that happened to be at any given time.) On this particular day, that person happened to be Hatori, as the ox was currently sitting on the dragon's porch, staring distantly off into space. He didn't really have the will to do much else at the moment.

 

"Hatsuharu. This really does need to stop." Ha'ri tried to be sympathetic, but his concern for the boy overrode this. Everyone really was worried. Kisa, Momiji, Kazuma, even Hiro and Kagura... Not to mention the obvious Tohru and Yuki. Poor Hatori was beginning to think it had been a bad idea to allow Haru back to the main house. At Shigure's he'd at least had someone around... But at the main house he could lock himself in his room for days on end if it so pleased him. That was partially why Hatori had insisted he come out today actually. Haru didn't respond at all for a good long moment, but he finally did look over at him. He was surprised to feel the prickling of tears; he hadn't thought he COULD possibly cry any more.

 

"He's gone, Tori-nii." He stated softly, his voice still hoarse from the seemingly endless screams of frustration and anguish that had been heard from his room the week before. "He's gone and... I don't want him to be..."

 

***

 

He knew he was being selfish, but he really couldn't work up the energy to lie. The doctor sighed and sat down next to the ox at the edge of the porch. He also set two teacups between them, one for each.

 

"I understand." He really did. He and Kazuma were probably the ones who sympathized best with Haru. Kazuma because he'd loved Kyo too, and him because well... He'd gone through it before. "But you're hurting yourself like this, and that's not going to help anything." Haru snorted darkly as those tears started to spill over his eyes and down his cheeks.

 

"Maybe, but... I don't know how... to make it stop..." He admitted, voice shaking a bit now too.

 

"Not brooding over it helps." The dragon was having trouble now. He really hadn't seen Haru cry more than a scarce handful of times, and he felt bad for having helped start it this time.

 

"I miss him." Haru confessed, though it really was unnecessary, for that fact was FAIRLY obvious already. "And, I don't know how to make that feeling go away. When it does, I'll stop sulking over it."

 

Tori sighed in defeat. Well, more of resignation. "I'd offer more advice... But I'd be a supreme hypocrite if I did." Hatori confessed from behind his teacup. "Just do me a favor, and don't stay locked up in your room, all right?" Haru just sighed and closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the flow of tears, though he didn't reply either way to Hatori's request. He didn't want to give up his solitude. In all honesty, Ha'ri was a little jealous of Haru. "He might come back eventually." He murmured quietly. Hatori didn't have the luxury to think that.

 

"Even if he does, Akito's just gonna lock him up."

 

"Maybe not." the dragon pointed out. "He's angry now. But if Kyo doesn't come back for six years, he might not care anymore."

 

"You haven't grasped the concept of making someone feel better, have you?"

 

"Sorry, Hatsuharu." Tori laughed morosely. "I'm trying, but I know there isn't much I can say that will actually make you feel better." Haru just shrugged and zoned out again. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Hatori just let him. He was out of his room for a while at least. There was something Ha'ri was interested to know, but he wasn't going to ask the ox about it right now. He was fairly certain quite a few people wanted to know actually... Since Haru's rather famous crush on Yuki had just, poof, disappeared. The doctor wondered silently at the change.

 

***

 

It went on like that for some time, eventually the tears stopped, but the alternative wasn't much better. He felt... numb, and THAT feeling lasted a LOT longer. If you'd asked him, he wouldn't have called it a depression, though.

 

***

 

Of course, it had to have happened eventually. Since Kyo had left, Haru had stayed out of the cat's room, but one day while at Shigure's, he'd gotten lost, and found himself in there...

 

And he broke.

 

It was worse than at any point before, even on the day of Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru's graduation. Kyo hadn't put his bed away when he'd left, and apparently no one had bothered to since, because it was still lying there. Haru was down on his knees, crying, screaming, tugging on his hair if only to create a physical pain to drown out how much it hurt to be in there before he even knew it was happening.

 

***

 

And worry only increased for him as time went on. They didn't know what to tell him, and they really couldn't, honestly, assure him Kyo would come back. After Haru's melt down in Kyo's room, Shigure decided it might be best if he locked it. That's just what he did, and he was the only one with a key since he still had books stored in there. As time passed, the number of books increased. Kazuma came occasionally. But not very often and his reaction was not nearly as bad. Outwardly at least. Inside he missed Kyo just as much as Hatsuharu did. But he constantly reminded himself that this was better for Kyo. And he only wanted what was best for Kyo. Or that Kyo wouldn't want him to be upset… He'd pushed Kyo to go and it was the best decision… He was pretty sure at least.

 

 

And it went on like that. After his breakdown, Haru calmed again for a while. Until January rolled around, of course. Well, particularly one day in January.

 

Kyo's birthday.

 

It was a similar effect to going into Kyo's room, for Haru, except more violent. His door was locked, and there had been a series of crashes, screams and shattering noises all morning. By mid-afternoon, a respectable sized crowd had gathered outside his room, consisting of all the Juunishi who were on the grounds, and a couple of them were standing next to a phone, should they need to call for backup. They hadn't had to deal with the ox in this state before, and weren't sure if they would need help or not. But, they did know that it would be Yuki or Kazuma who they'd call, if the need arose. They would need someone who would be able to hold Haru down until he calmed enough to be reasoned with. Not that calling Kazuma would do much good. To be perfectly honest he was brooding. He'd given his lessons for the day, and then gone into the room that had belonged to Kyo when they'd lived together. And he now had no intentions of coming out until the following day. Not coming out did not include answering the phone. No matter how many times it might ring. Kagura cringed profusely as a particularly loud crash sounded from inside the room.

 

"Hatori," She addressed the dragon, a little timidly. "Is he okay in there? Should we call Yun-chan or Shihan to come help?" Tori pursed his lips. He doubted Kazuma would be in much better shape. Maybe he wasn't quite as violent about it, but he knew the man hurt just as bad. After Shigure had come to him with that gossip that one day, he'd done a bit of investigating, and found it all rather true.

 

"If... he doesn't stop soon... I will go get Kazuma." He stated carefully. The other man would be a better choice than Yuki to calm Hatsuharu down. Another enraged cry and something else shattered.

 

"How much glass does he have in there?" Momiji mused curiously, wondering just what Haru was punching or throwing around. There really didn't seem to be any stopping soon... So with a sigh, Hatori headed off for the Shishou's home. Kagura asked why he didn't call; it was because he didn't think Kazuma would answer. Obviously he was right. But when he did get to the man's house he had to go through the trouble of finding him. As he neared the cat's room a rather dull eyed Kazuma came out.

 

"Would you like to do me a favor?" The doctor asked imploringly. "And come calm down Hatsuharu?" Kazuma just nodded mutely and they went. They had to get a skeleton key from Kureno on the way back though, to open the door. Hatori urged all his little cousins away from the door as Kazuma went in. The shattering that Momiji had inquired on had been a window, and the assault had left Haru's arm and hand with deep, long cuts all the way up to his elbow from where he'd shoved it through. The rest of his room wasn't in much better shape, and the boy was currently on his knees, crying desperately and half-heartedly punching at the wall, which was rapidly turning into simply clawing at it. His older cousin shut the door carefully behind him and walked over slowly to the ox.

 

"Hatsuharu..." He admonished half heartedly, kneeling down next to him. Haru just let out an unhappy moan and punched the wall again, causing a small amount of plaster to come out, and a few spider-web cracks to form in it. Shaking his head, Kazuma grabbed the ox and held him still. "Come on now... Calm down." He sighed. "You really did a number on your arm already..." Haru didn't WANT to calm down. He LIKED being hurt and angry, it was the only emotion he'd felt in months. So, he did the only thing he could do, he fought against Kazuma's hold. Clawing his arms in an attempt to get the older to let go of him. The older Sohma hardly noticed and kept his grip firm on the boy. He'd tire himself out eventually and then they could get Hatori in here to look at that arm.

 

 

Yes. Eventually. Eventually turned out to be almost three hours later. Of course, it had to be remembered that he'd already been going at this since about nine or so. When it was over, Haru went limp in Kazuma's hold, still crying, and still shaking, but he wasn't fighting anymore. Everyone outside stared at the door when there was a sudden lack of loud crashing sounds or struggling. Hatori went inside after a little while and when he returned he shooed the others away, assuring them that Hatsuharu would be fine. Then Haru was taken, whether he liked it or not, to Hatori's. The two older men found a maid on the way and asked her to take care of the ox's room while they took care of the ox himself. Namely the long bleeding lines in his arm. Kazuma was only going with to make sure Haru didn't hit Hatori. The ox didn't even try, and he probably wouldn't have, even if Shihan hadn't been there to stop him. As predicted, he'd exhausted himself, and was now simply boiling with a quiet, tired anger and pain. He didn't want to do this anymore! He just wanted it to go away, but he knew it wouldn't. Even if he tried to kill himself, he knew no one on the stupid compound would actually let him.

 

 

As an after thought Hatori decided to drug Haru out for a little while. He explained himself simply; he wanted to give his poor cousin a little peace. He knew for a fact that this particular drug made for some blissfully dreamless sleep. So, the men just sat around drinking tea for a few hours while Haru slept on the couch. Once they figured the maid had had enough time to clean up and at least temporarily patch the window they returned Haru to his own bed. Making sure to leave a bag of bandages and some cleaner in the room as well. Although Hatori intended to come back and check on him tomorrow when he was awake again.

 

 

The next day was much more peaceful. Haru woke, but he absolutely just refused to move. At all. Akito himself could have come in and shoved a burning candle up his ass, and it was doubtful he would have done anything. Like his previous breakdown, this one had left him in a state of not quite consciousness, not quite slumber where he simply didn't appear to be tuned into the world at all. Almost like a semi-catatonic brooding session. He truly was missing a lot of school to his depression, and it was just lucky Momiji would bring homework for him. And it was even luckier if he ever bothered to do it... But he had the to option. It was almost break too. Kyo's January birthday was only a few weeks away from break... Haru would be free to sulk in his depressed little corner all he liked. Well almost, people like Kisa and Momiji still insisted on visiting him and making sure he was alive. Not that it really mattered. He ignored them when they came anyway. Hatsuharu went to enough school to not get expelled, and did enough homework to keep his grades up and graduate. That way, he wouldn't have to worry anymore about it, and he could sulk for the rest of his life, if he wanted to.

 

***

 

Akito thought it was all FABULOUS. It was even better than actually having the cat locked up! This was even better than his one time of playing with Haru. The ox's pain was delicious. He especially loved going to Haru's graduation. Since that would be the one year anniversary since that wretched cat was gone.

 

Yeah, that wasn't pretty. The ox went Black over every little thing, and when he wasn't throwing himself into fits of anger, he broke down crying. Four or five times on the way to school, he tried to step out in front of cars. He didn't want to deal with this. He probably would have made it and died too, if it hadn't been for Yuki and Kagura, who stopped him each time. Of course, the last time, he'd almost lost it on both of them. And the only reason he went to the ceremony was because he was dragged there kicking and screaming.

 

"Stop it, Yuki!" He ordered as they reached the building. "I don't want to do this! Let go!"

 

"Too bad." Yuki had since lost patients and sympathy with Haru. He understood that he missed Kyo, but this was seriously taking it too far. "You're going anyway. Once this thing's over, then I won't question what you do anymore, but until then, you're GOING." He finished firmly, literally shoving Haru through the doors and inside. Several of his classmates blinked over at him in surprise. They hadn't seen much of him recently. There were a few whispers as Yuki continued to prod him along, but for the most part everyone left him alone. Momiji sidled up near Haru, he knew if he didn't, someone would ask what was wrong with his cousin, and he didn't much feel like explaining. Wow, Momiji not feeling like talking? Haru must be contagious. "Shihan!" Yuki called to Kazuma when he saw him. "A little help? You're student's acting like a two-year-old." He didn't even bother to wonder why Kazuma was there, he really didn't care at this point.

 

"Oh, yeah, you're one to talk." Haru spat at him, glaring fiercely. Yuki recognized the signs of him being Black, and knew White wouldn't remember, so, he didn't feel bad about his own snappish retort.

 

"Talk to me again in three years." He hissed in his younger cousin's ear.

Kazuma had come to be supportive of Hatsuharu. Of course.

 

"Do calm down Hatsuharu... You're giving Akito far too much satisfaction." He murmured, when he came over.

 

"I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here." Haru stated slowly, as though speaking to a less-than-bright preschooler. He kept saying it, and his family kept not listening. "Not today."

 

"Just stay long enough to get the piece of paper." Shishou requested. "I'll take you back to the main house then."

 

Haru growled. Loudly. That earned him a few frightened looks from some first year girls, who were scurrying off to class.

 

"Fine." He muttered irritably, not really paying attention as Yuki stalked off past them without a word to go get a seat.

 

"Thank you." Kazuma nodded.

 

***

 

It really didn't seem that long since this was Kyo's day... Oh well... Kazuma should.... go find a seat as well... Yuki's mood hadn't improved by the time he'd thrown himself into a chair between Tohru and Shigure. Not only had Haru given him a headache and stirred up some memories he'd just as soon forget, but also, Akito was there. Again. He, frankly, felt lucky that the head hadn't insisted he sit next to him. Poor Yuki. Tohru was excited for Hatsuharu and Momiji though. She was smiling brightly as usual. But Shigure's eyes followed Kazuma, who was not intending to sit anywhere near them. He was going to sit all the way off to one side; so that once Haru got his diploma he could drive the kid home, as promised.

 

***

 

Haru was back with the other graduates, fiddling with his tie (the teacher had insisted) and trying his goddamn best to ignore Momiji. The bunny bounced on the balls of his feet and was blathering about... Something... Maybe it was how he was going to visit Tohru later, would Haru come... Or perhaps it was how glad he was that Haru had come... Or something... It didn't matter it was irritating. Haru felt relieved when they were called out. He just wanted to do this and get it finished already. Then he could at least leave. Akito was grinning hugely when the ox came out. The look on his face was priceless and he might have quite possibly killed for a camera. Tohru smiled and clapped, and Kazuma all the way on the other side of the area got up to get his car started. Rather than gathering with the rest of the graduates, Haru went straight out the door to go find Kazuma; he'd seen him leave. Yuki watched him go, but didn't really care where he was going. A month ago, or even a week he would have, but Haru was acting like he'd lost his lollipop, and Yuki was tired of it. Haru had graduated, he was an adult now, and he wasn't his cousin's problem anymore.

 

 

"I think Yuki may have a point." The gray haired man murmured as he returned the badly behaved ox to the house.

 

"What are you talking about?" Haru asked, glaring angrily out the window.

 

"We all know you miss him. I miss him too." Kazuma elaborated carefully. "But you can't keep up like this."

 

"Why not?" He turned his glare on his teacher. "I can leave Tokyo too. I could go find him!" Except he didn't know what island he was on, let alone what city. Hell, Kyo could have skipped the country, for all he knew.

 

"You could leave, I suppose." His older cousin agreed. "But I don't think looking for him would be very fair."

 

"'Not fair'?" He repeated, raising an eyebrow and waiting for the man to continue.

 

"This is Kyo's chance to start over. He fit in well with regular people." Kazuma tried to explain. "It's his chance to be happy, and someone from his old life coming after him...." He shook his head a little, hoping Haru understood.

 

Haru understood perfectly. And it hurt. A lot. "I'm never going to see him again, am I, Shihan?" He asked slowly, feeling tears stinging his eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that day.

 

"Not to be cruel to you, Hatsuharu..." the older replied softly. "But I hope he never comes back here. I hope he stays where ever he is and has a happy life that's all his own." He couldn't reply to Haru's question either way. That was the best he could do, because he really didn't know.

 

Haru took a deep breath and ordered quite suddenly, not looking at him, "Stop the car."

 

"Hatsuharu?" Kazuma looked at him questioningly as he at least slowed the car. He wasn't sure he wanted to stop it just yet.

 

"Stop the car, Shihan." He repeated, a little more forcefully. "I'll walk home. I need to think."

 

Sighing, Kazuma stopped the car the rest of the way. "Please, don't get lost." He requested.

 

"Sure, whatever." He shrugged, getting out, yanking his tie loose as he opened the car door and climbed out, and taking off in the general direction of the woods, with the intention of walking home that way.

 

 

Poor Kazuma regretted doing that now. Well, HOPEFULLY Haru would manage to get back to the main compound. If not, Kazuma would have to come back out here and look for him. That was the wonderful thought he had as he finished the listless drive back to his house.

 

***

 

Haru really wasn't sure how he got so turned around, but he ended up going in the complete opposite direction that he needed to, and ended up back at Shigure's. Pausing at the edge of the woods, he looked out at the empty roof. He half expected to see Kyo climb out of his window and go sit up there. But, the other half knew he wouldn't. So, he gave a slight `What The Hell' shrug, and headed for the house, with the intention of climbing up there himself. What did he care if he fell? He quite obviously wasn't going to see Kyo again anyway.

 

 

That was indeed what Tohru, Shigure, and Yuki came home to. One wonders why Yuki and Tohru still live with Shigure? Free room and board obviously. Yuki gets the plus of having Tohru to cook and clean for him. Anyways, Tohru looked up nervously. She was worried he was trying to throw himself off like Ritsu... But Yuki and Shigure didn't seem worried.

 

"Don't get blood on my house if you're going to die, Haa-kun." The dog called idly as he unlocked the front door and went in.

 

"I'm not a coward." Haru called after him, shooting a pointed look at Yuki as he finished with, "I don't intend to run away." But the rat simply ignored him and went inside. Indeed, Haru made it up to the roof just fine, thank you. And spent the rest of the afternoon and evening brooding.

 

 

When night rolled around Tohru crawled carefully up the ladder and peeked over the edge of the tiles.

 

"Hatsuharu-kun," She called meekly. She didn't want to... disturb him or anything. (He's already plenty disturbed honey...) "Would like to come down for dinner?"

 

"I don't think Yuki really wants me down there right now." Haru shrugged a little. In truth, he had no desire to leave Kyo's favorite spot at the moment either...

 

"I-i.." The onigiri spluttered helplessly. "I'll bring you up something, in a little while... If-if that's okay..."

 

"Sure." He shrugged again, before calling after her, before she could leave.

 

"Honda-san, do YOU think I'm being selfish?" He wanted to know. "For wanting to see him again, and to be able to at least say good-bye?"

 

"Not... selfish... exactly..." The girl replied, startled he would ask her something like that. "But, I don't think, they think you're selfish… everyone just wants you to be happy too. And I think... They're frustrated. They can't really do anything to help, and it seems like you don't really want to get past it." That last comment sounded harsh to her ears and she immediately tried to apologize for it.

 

"That's the thing, though." Haru admitted, agreeing with her. "I'm angry that he didn't tell me he was going and I don't want to NOT be angry with him because..." He frowned a little. The truth sounded so very, very lame. "Because when I'm not feeling angry with him... I don't really... feel anything at all and I really, REALLY don't like that."

 

"I'm sorry." Tohru nodded and smiled grimly. "I think, I know how you feel, but I know what Kyo-kun was thinking when he left too." She looked at him sweetly. "I've felt some of both myself. And, I'd like to do something to help. But without Kyo-kun here, it's something you have to work out in your own heart." It was so very cliché, but coming from Tohru's mouth it was so well meaning and sincere.

 

"Why... why can't Yuki, or Shihan or Tori-nii understand like you do?" He asked slowly, closing his eyes tightly against the impending tears. "They all think I'm being melodramatic or selfish... or both..." He growled in frustration and slammed his hand against the tiles. He would have gladly let Kyo leave without any argument, probably, if it had meant he'd be safe... He'd just... wanted to say good-bye first..

 

Tohru jumped a little at his outburst, but then her calm little smile returned. "They're just concerned for you. Please try not to hold it against them too much."

 

"Yeah..." He sighed, with a small nod.

 

The onigiri made a relieved little noise. "I'll be back with some food for you in a little bit, Hatsuharu-kun." She reminded softly as she climbed down the ladder again.

 

 

About five minute after Tohru left, Haru LOST IT.

 

 

"Damnit..." He growled bitterly. "Damnit, Kyo! Damn YOU! How... how dare you do this to me?" He barely choked out what he did next. "It's only been a year and I already think I'm going crazy without you... Would it have been SO goddamn hard to tell me what you were planning? I wouldn't have told Akito, you fucking KNOW I wouldn't have! Kyo... Kyo, I... I MISS you, okay? I... I need you. Damnit all, you stupid cat, I love you! Are you happy now? Someone cares about you! ME!" He was crying freely again, and he didn't even care. "I love you, and you wouldn't even let me say good-bye? How DARE you? How fucking dare you? I miss you so much it feels like I'm dead inside... You'd better come back right NOW!" He didn't even hear the footsteps on the ladder as he whispered. "Koneko-chan... My kitten... please, Kyo, please come home?"

 

***

 

Poor little Tohru... She could feel the sympathetic tears stinging her eyes. She didn't want to intrude on Hatsuharu, but she also didn't think he should be alone. So the onigiri moved over carefully to him. She offered him a caring face and the napkin she'd been bringing with his food. Haru jumped a little when she sat down next to him. He honestly hadn't heard her come up. Blushing furiously as his situation sunk fully in, he ignored the napkin and simply scrubbed at his tears with his sleeve. This entire situation sucked. He hated feeling so dependant on someone, and feeling so lost now that that someone was gone... Tohru Honda is a sweet heart. She smiled her usual understanding and offered over the food she'd brought up. She also made a mental note to be sure and go visit Hatsuharu a bit more often now. Haru poked listlessly at the food for a few minutes. He really hadn't been eating nearly as much as he should over the past year. But, then, that's what happens when you lock yourself up in your room for a week at a time.

 

"I'm a vegetarian." He explained to her, as he bypassed the steak and chicken for the vegetables and rice.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Tohru sweat dropped. "I really should have figured that." But her smile reappeared immediately. "I wasn't sure if I could carry it up here... But if you'd like instead there's some soup downstairs?

 

"It's fine." He shrugged it off, and just ate what wasn't meat on the plate. He wasn't really that hungry anyway. Actually, the entire day had left him feeling a little ill. The kind brunette next to him watched him worriedly for a moment before sitting back on the tiled roof more comfortably. She'd given Yuki and Shigure their food; they'd be okay without her.

 

"How many people do you think would freak out if I jumped?" Haru asked her softly after a few minutes of not-so-comfortable silence.

 

"All the others would be upset..." Except, Akito-san maybe. But Tohru still liked to believe the little bastard was human.

 

"Mm..." He nodded in agreement, and simply put the plate down and stood, walking over to the ladder. No, he'd never do himself in from jumping off a roof. When he went out, it'd be with a bang. (Not a literal one, guns weren't nearly the fun people made them out to be.) "Thanks for dinner, Honda-san." He nodded to her politely, as he started to climb down. "But I need to get home. Shihan and Tori-nii with worry if I'm not back soon." Not to mention Kisa and the others... they'd probably all think he was dead and hold a memorial service, or something.

 

"I understand." The onigiri nodded cheerfully. "Please, feel free to come visit again." She offered.

 

"See ya next year." He waved, before finishing his decent, and heading off for the road, he could make it home from there.