Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Hyouhyou Kodori ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket and all its characters are properties of Takaya Natsuki-sensei and Hana to Yume comics. Everything else in this fanfic are figments of my imagination. Any similarities to name, places, yada yada yada are simply examples of the world's many coincidental mysteries.

October 31, 2002 (Revised Dec. 8 2002)

Category: Drama

Rating: R

Hyouhyou Kodori : Chapter Four

By Ina-chan

As it starts to calm its fury

We finally realize it fully

The undeniable need

For a raging tempest's speed

For one thing to be born

Another has to be torn

While we danced and danced and danced

~~*@*~~

/UAAAAAAAA!!!!/ I couldn't help letting out a cry of admiration at the view around me. The lake's calm waters lapped at the sides of the rowboat as it carried us in its gentle rocking motion. I knew that the lake here in the summerhouse already looked beautiful, seeing its panorama from the shore. But seeing this world from its centre… it was definitely a different and exhilarating experience. I sank back on my seat, enjoying the peaceful feeling that the calm waters brought with it.

From the shore in the distance, I could hear the faint sound of Momi-chan's voice calling out to us. I turned toward him to return his enthusiastic waving. Haru-chan stood quietly beside him, a safe distance away from Momi-chan's dangerous flapping. Haru-chan still looked a little peeved at the fact that the boat can only hold two people at the time. And he lost the janken pyon game to have a chance to go around the lake with Yun-chan first.

This weekend trip to the summerhouse to end Golden Week was definitely the best idea Shi-chan had ever come up with. It was just too bad that we couldn't convince Kyou-kun to come along, despite all our efforts together. Haaaa! It was so unfair. After Golden Week, the new school term will start. Then Kyou-kun will be entering senior high school soon, and poor me will be in my final year and having to face the dreaded college entrance examinations. I would have loved seeing this view with Kyou-kun before that… though I know that was probably an impossible dream by itself… knowing how well Kyou-kun got along with water.

DAMN! I'm doing it again!

I stole a glance at my silent companion, and let out a sigh of relief, seeing the equally astonished look of admiration on his face.

Good, he didn't notice.

It was so difficult to be around Yun-chan lately. Being around him was like walking on eggshells. Specially with that matter that happened two months ago still hanging over everyone's heads… I heard bits and stories here and there. But everyone who knew exactly what happened was tight-lipped about it. Even Yun-chan pretended that it never happened at all. But still… Though he still looked a bit pallid and a bit gaunter than usual, there was almost no indication that he was released from the hospital only a little over three weeks ago.

Actually, the recent events seemed to have gone in his favour. Though, I was a bit surprised at the arrangements. Akito-san allowed him to enter that co-ed public school that Yun-chan wanted to go to. Not only that, he was also allowed to move out of the main house to live with Shi-chan. It would be naïve to pretend that this arrangement had nothing to do with what happened two months ago. Though personally, I didn't like the direction my own presumption was heading. It would only confirm the rumours as truth. I simply didn't want to believe that Yun-chan would do anything like that.

/If you had a choice on what Jyunnishi animal you would be cursed with, what would it be?/ His quiet monotone voice finally broke the silence

/Eh? I don't really know. I never really thought of it./ I replied honestly after a few moments. It was the truth. The thought never really occurred to me. I admit, there are times when I do wish that I wasn't born cursed, but I never really gave the idea of being different from who I am now any serious thought.

/I think I would have liked to be the bird/ He simply stated.

I couldn't help but frown at that, /The bird? But Yun-chan, the mouse is special./

/The mouse is special… perhaps…/ He echoed as he lifted his chin, looking at the clear blue sky above.

I can't help noticing the eerie empty quality in his eyes. Lately, they've been blank and lifeless. Sometimes, it even looks as if he's seeing something that only he can see. Like now, /But at least… the bird has the choice of using his wings to fly out of the cage when the opportunity arrives./

/Yun-cha…/ I began, not really liking what I'm hearing. He changed. This person sitting in front of me… this impostor replaced the timid little boy who would cling on to my sleeves to ask for reassurance. Something happened… something I don't know and don't understand happened… and it changed him.

/Ne, Kagura-neechan… can I ask you a favour?/ He interrupted, looking back at me

I could only give a silent nod in reply.

He pulled out a small leather-bound journal from the pockets of his coat and held it out to me. I took it from his hands wordlessly and opened it. Its pristine blank pages reflected the glare of the sky. I raised my eyebrow to meet his gaze.

/What is this?/

He didn't say anything or do anything. He simply sat there and stared at me, silently watching. I gave him a nervous smile as I turned my attention back to the journal and backtracked on its empty pages until I reached the very first page. There it was, in his neat and perfect calligraphy.

It was a simple poem.

Despite its simplicity, the poet's emotions carried through each word that I couldn't stop the tears that formed behind my eyes. I quickly shut the book, not being able to bear looking at the words any longer. I knew all at once who wrote it. Yun-chan was never the type of person who is able to express his emotions freely. So I know how much love and effort… and courage he had to muster to be able to create this simple piece of verse.

/It's beautiful/ I managed to whisper hoarsely, trying to regain my composure

/Do you want it?/ He asked monotonously, the full weight of his question bearing down at me

I let out another sob and wiped away another round of tears falling down my face at his words. Why is he doing this? I already made it more than clear enough a long time ago that this isn't what I wanted from him. I just wanted us to be like how we were back in that New Year when we first danced together. The fragile little boy who was small for his age with sad eyes who would frown at me to say 'Ah! Kagura-neechan, you're late.' I just wanted that old Yun-chan back. I wanted the little brother that I never had.

With a long shaky breath, I bowed my head and handed the journal back to him, /I'm sorry… I can't accept this./

/Why not?/ It was his quiet and emotionless voice. After all, he already knew my reply beforehand

/Because this is the type of thing that you're supposed to give to the woman that you will love forever, the kind of woman who will love you back./

/Why not?/ His voice was still quiet and emotionless, but I could sense the intensity of his insistence to force me to say the reason out loud.

I ground my teeth and finally raised my head to meet his eyes, /Because its very difficult to love you that way./

/I see… it's very difficult to love me,/ He echoed, quietly. The breeze blew chilly gusts of air around us, his hair dancing along with it, framing his unemotional face. He met my gaze with silence, watching me intently with blank unemotional eyes, before closing them and bowing his head to allow a small sardonic smile to line his lips, /…but it's easy to love Kyou./

/Why are you doing this? Why are you forcing me to choose between the two of you?/ I buried my face helplessly into my hands, / I don't want this. Why can't you understand that I don't want this from you? I never wanted this from you. I just want us to be just how we were before. I just want my old Yun-chan back. Please come back, Yun-chan. Please./

/Ne, Kagura…/ He spoke again

I couldn't help but frown. This is the first time he called me with just my first name.

/Would you have cried over me two months ago if I died?/

/What!?/ I automatically lifted my face him.

He still had on that uncanny smile as he leaned backwards. I could only gawk in silent shock as I watched the dark frigid waters swallow his body below. The water rocked violently in annoyance at the sudden disturbance of their serenity for a few moments, before settling as if what had just transpired never happened. It was only then that my numbed body was able to receive the commands from my shocked brain as a loud scream tore from my throat…

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!?"

I literally jumped out of my skin as the scream rang through the soundless corridors of the Main House. I closed my eyes and covered my ears, knowing exactly what had just transpired.

One hour ago, this year's Jyuunishi party ended. I didn't have the chance or the courage to face Yun-chan or Tooru-kun with what happened the week before. I'm sure that Yun-chan didn't tell anyone, Tooru-kun, most specially. But Tooru-kun being Tooru-kun, she could sense an uncomfortable lump caused by a pea under a hundred mattresses. And Tooru-kun being Tooru-kun, she tried her best to straighten out any problems to the best of her ability. Tooru was the first and only close friend I ever had outside the Jyuunishi circle. It felt absolutely horrible shutting her off like this… but there's just no way I can face her.

Not after what I said and what I've done to Yun-chan…

…to the both of them…

I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when she left for her New Year's trip with her friends. Of course, it was just temporary. She was, after all, just half of the problem of the entire picture.

Whether Yun-chan hated me or forgave me… he gave no indication of it whatsoever. I even made futile non-verbal attempts during our dance. Again, he gave no indication of either understanding or acknowledging any of my signals. All throughout the party, he didn't show me any of his normal warmth… but he didn't show me any of his notorious icy enmity either. He was the picture of perfect civility. For some reason, the treatment of this courteous and polite Yun-chan was ten times more painful than the temporary sub-zero hostile treatment he used to give me after one of our bad fights when we were younger.

Just fifteen minutes ago, Yun-chan was finally granted private audience with Akito-san. I know for sure that Shi-chan, Ha-niichan, and Aya-chan would be standing nearby… just in case. Momi-chan and Ha-chan were not far behind. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to be there for him as well…

But after all that was said and done, would he still want me to?

That was the reason why I was standing here in the shadows of the corner of a nearby corridor from Akito-san's waiting room.

Aunt Keiko's black and grey tabby wandered towards my hiding place and stopped in curiosity as it found an unusual obstacle situated there. I sat on my haunches and held my hand out to it… desperate for any form of company. Instead, the cat froze and watched me with suspicious eyes. Stupid cat. I wasn't going to hurt it. I just wanted to give it a small affectionate pat. So I quickly leaned forward to grab it and hold it in my arms. However, it twisted and howled and scratched to get free from my grasp, then ran through the darkness of the corridor. Leaving me once again, to be alone, hiding in this corridor to nervously wait for the results of this moment of truth...

Waiting…

…waiting…

…waiting…

…for Akito-san's indignant screams

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!? WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE YOU DOING??!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!!"

…for the sounds of a struggle and a loud crash

"AKITO-SAN! CALM DOWN!"

"SHIGURE LET ME GO!!! WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING TO STOP HIM!!!!"

"WATCH OUT!"

"YUKI!"

…for the sounds of simultaneous yelling of various voices accompanied by scrambling feet.

"WHY ISN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING TO STOP HIM!?!"

"CALM DOWN AKITO-SAN!"

"OH MY GOD!!! TORI-SAN HE'S BLEEDING!!!"

I leaned back against the wall for support as my cousins' panicked voices still reached me despite my covered. Images of what Akito-san did in the past during his bursts of rage flashed in my mind's eye. Ha-niichan… Kisa-chan… Isuzu…

"HATORI STOP HIM!!!! STOP HIM!!! STOP HIM!!! HATORIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!"

"THE BLOOD WON'T STOP!"

"AYAME!! SHUT!! UP!!"

"HARU, MOMICHI, GET YUKI OUT OF HERE NOW!!!'

… Yun-chan…

I forced my numb legs to move. The moment felt so unreal. It felt as if I was watching myself from above as I moved in a slow zombie-like pace. Time, itself, had slowed down. I even remember silently screaming at myself to move faster, but my body didn't have the ability to obey. By the time I reached the proper corridor, it was already abandoned. Akito-san's waiting room was empty. Shi-chan or Ha-niichan must have taken Akito-san back to his quarters.

There were distinguishable droplets of scarlet littered and smeared on the floor from the scuffle that occurred there… and a noticeable intermittent trail of drops of dark liquid leading out of the room and through the corridor. That familiar sharp searing pain pierced through my chest once again, forcing me to fall on my knees. I found myself face to face with a drop of scarlet on the floor. With shaking hands, I reached out to touch it and watched with detachment as the crimson liquid stained my fingertips.

It was real…

…there was blood all over the floor…

…and it was real…

Yun-chan…

Only then, my heavy body was freed from whatever invisible force was holding it down. Before I knew it, I found myself trying to catch my breath from the engawa of Ha-niichan's office. I mutedly made my way to the partially open sliding door and found him seated on Ha-niichan's chair, his back to me. Haru-chan was bending over him, holding a bloody washcloth on his face while Momi-chan stood watching at the side with a bloody basin at hand.

"I think the bleeding finally stopped," Ha-chan's bland murmur announced as he lifted the washcloth from Yun-chan's face and scrutinized it, "Hatori-niisan will need to stitch it."

I saw Momi-chan made an involuntary wince, "Eeeew… To-ru is not going to be happy when she comes back to see that…"

"That's why you're not going to say a single word to her about it, understand?" Yun-chan's firm voice echoed strongly from the seat

I made a spontaneous sigh of relief, realizing that he was okay.

"But still… when it heals, I think it's going to be a very nice looking scar," Haru-chan commented as he cocked his head to one side

I almost toppled over to the floor upon hearing him say that. Haru-chan was probably the only person in the world who would come up with something like that at a time like this.

"Really?" Momi-chan leaned closer to stare at that spot on Yun-chan's face

"Yeah… girls dig scars like that. It's very macho."

"Heeeeeh… maybe I should get one too…"

Now THAT was just too much! "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?!? YUN-CHAN IS HURT AND BLEEDING AND ALL YOU TWO CAN THINK ABOUT IS LOOKING COOL WITH A SCAR!?!?!"

"Haaaa! Gura is finally here," Momi-chan commented without missing a beat as he looked up to greet me with a big smile

"Kagura-nee is suddenly angry…" Haru-chan intoned, "Mystery."

"Haru, I think I'll need some more ice," Yun-chan stated quietly

Haru made a knowing nod and proceeded to leave the room, pulling Momi-chan by the arm with him, "Come and help me get more ice."

"Eh? Why do I have to?" Momi-chan protested but walked out with him anyway

"Because I said so…"

The room was eventually engulfed by silence as their voices faded away. Yun-chan didn't move from where he was seated, and I stood by the doorway silently. We stayed there in relative silence, waiting for the other to make the first move. Then finally, Yun-chan swivelled Ha-niichan's chair to face me.

Tears of relief threatened to spill out of my eyes as I saw the extent of his injury. There was a small but a very deep and angry-looking gash cutting through his left eyebrow, just barely missing his left eye. The area around it was starting to bruise and swell. There was also the beginning of a light swelling over his left cheek. His left eye would probably be swollen shut by the next morning. Momi-chan is right. Tooru-kun won't be happy to come back home to this. Though, it still looked pretty bad, it still wasn't as horrible as I originally imagined.

"From all that commotion, I thought you were dying or something…" I stated lamely

"That was just Ni-san over-reacting as usual," He rolled his eyes at that and made an involuntary wince of pain, "He's just plain annoying. Hatori took him somewhere to calm him down., while Haru and Momiji stayed with me. Shigure stayed to take care of Akito."

"What happened?" were first words that spilled out from my mouth.

"I fell," was his simply reply with a small shrug

I couldn't help but frown at that, "THAT IS NOT FUNNY!"

"No," Yun-chan shook his head, "I really did fall. It was stupid. Akito started to go ballistic after I told him. He became unsteady on his feet so we were worried that he was going to fall and hurt himself. In the chaos, I ended up stumbling and challenging the corner of a table to a fight… and lost."

I let out another long breath. "So… Akito-san was pretty mad, huh?"

"Yeah… but I think he'll get over it eventually."

"What do you think he'll do?"

"I don't know… frankly, I don't really want to think about it right now."

"And you?" I paused and watched him cautiously before speaking, "Are you still angry?"

He gave me a thoughtful look for a few moments before giving me a weak smile, "I think I'll get over it too… eventually."

I didn't stop the flood from flowing freely down my face at the sound of his words this time, as rushed in and knelt down in front of him. I took his hands and planted a grateful kiss on his knuckles before resting my forehead over them and continuing my uncontrollable sobbing, softly mumbling my apologies over and over.

Yun-chan let out a sigh of exasperation as I felt him shift to slide off Ha-niisan chair to sit down beside me on the floor. He pulled his hands away from mine to wipe the tears off my eyes with his sleeve, all the while glaring at me in genuine annoyance, "What is it with you women and tears and emotional black mail?"

I couldn't help but give him a small smile, despite of myself, "I'm really sorry… I didn't mean any of what I said back then. I don't know why I said it. I was just so angry… and you didn't deserve any of that at all. I know you and Tooru-kun were just trying to help me. So I'm so so very sorry…"

"I know," He replied softly as he took one of my hands again to give it a reassuring squeeze, "I'm kind of glad you actually said it out loud."

"What?" I stared at him, "Are you sure when you hit your…"

"No, I mean it," he interrupted, "It forced me to do a lot of thinking. And you were right. If things continued the way it did… the marriage would eventually fall apart." He let go of my hand to wrap his arms around one knee, that unconscious insecure mannerism of his, "I didn't really realize it at first… but I've been procrastinating having to deal with the… uh… sex… since the beginning."

I rested a hand on his shoulder, silently prodding him to continue. Even when we were children, Yun-chan rarely had the courage to verbalize his innermost thoughts and emotions to anyone… perhaps except with Tooru-kun. I could sense that this was something that he truly wanted to tell me. If he were to loose his nerve now, the opportunity would be lost forever.

"It was driving me insane," He continued with a small laugh, "For the longest time… It was in my head all the time… but when it came to… uhm… doing it for real… I couldn't get myself to… pursue it… I kept made excuses. At first it I said after I get my own place… then after I finish school… after I get a real job… after we get married… after this whole thing with Akito is done with… If things kept on as it was, even after tonight, I probably would have come up with another excuse… I think."

I flinched inwardly, finally understanding what Yun-chan was going through every time I would make a playful jab about it. I definitely wasn't helping with his problem every time I teased him…

"What you said forced me to realize that what I've been doing, really, was that I was just running away," He concluded, "Running away has become somewhat like second nature to me. For the longest time in the past, I've been doing it without realizing it. I've always felt insecure about myself because of the curse. I thought that I've already overcome it… but it seems that I haven't… at least not entirely. Even though I wanted it so bad… I was just more terrified of disappointing her. In the end, in doing that, it only showed that I didn't have a strong a faith on her love as I originally believed."

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders comfortingly, "So now that you know all this... what are you going to do about it?"

He made another small shrug, "What else is there to do?"

"So have you stopped running away?"

I felt him stiffen in my arms and made an unconscious effort to put some distance between as a flush started to rise from his neck, up his ears and face, and to the roots of his hair. I saw a small-embarrassed smile lining his lips before he covered his mouth, his eyes looking straight ahead, before making several slow nods.

"Oh, my God…" I couldn't help but choke with disbelief at his silent answer. My jaw almost literally dropped on the floor before a mischievous grin made its way to my face, "When?"

"Kagura… don't," He sighed, "This is very hard for me to tell you as it is, so please don't push…"

"Okay, I get it, sorry!" I raised my hands out between us and backed off

He took a deep breath and continued to look straight ahead, "The other night… and the day after that…" He then closed his eyes and raised both his hands to hide his face "…all day."

This time I couldn't stop the laughter from erupting out of me. Highly amused by his almost feminine virginal confession. This was definitely a far cry from the prince-like image Yun-chan carried ever since he was a teen-ager. I tried to curb my mirth as I saw him cower even more in total mortification.

"I suppose it was very difficult letting her go today," I commented, measuring his reaction

"Don't even start," was his muffled reply, "I couldn't even meet Hanajima-san's eye this morning when I dropped off Tooru at the station."

"Do you feel better?" I said, shifting in a more serious note

"Yeah," He took down his hands and turned to face me, "How about you?"

I looked at him with a start. To tell you the truth, the thought didn't even occur to me. I searched my feelings for whatever sense of envy or hate or resentment that always accompanied me when we had similar conversations like this the past couple of days… and realized with wonder that… there was none. Whatever monsters and demons plagued me after escaping that small box seemed to have been exorcised.

Once again, I reached out to take his hand in mine before turning back to him and to give him a genuine smile in reply. We sat there enjoying the comfortable silence and each other's company for a few moments as we watched the New Year's stars twinkling, just like back when we were children, from the partially open engawa of Ha-niichan's office.

"Ne, Yun-chan…" I finally spoke, as a question that's been nagging at me since the week before popped back into my mind, "About what I said back then… if you never met Tooru-kun… would things have been different?"

He looked at the sky thoughtfully for a few moments before speaking, "Of course things would have been different if I didn't meet Tooru. But the real question to ask is…" He began before turning to me with an equally serious thoughtful expression, "…if I never met Tooru, would the way you see me have changed?"

I blinked in surprise at the question he threw back at me as the familiar image of his fifteen-year-old self, from one particular incident in the past, sat in front of me. He hugged his legs, his chin resting over his knees, and his blank unseeing eyes stared far ahead as he slowly rocked back and forth, oblivious to my presence.

/WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?/ My shaky voice finally spoke out angrily /Why did you do that?/

/It was an accident,/ replied his emotionless monotone as he continued to stare far ahead and rock, /I was still feeling a bit weak. I fainted and fell overboard./

/You know very well that's a lie. You jumped overboard just to spite me!/ I snapped angrily at him as I knelt down beside him to force him to face me, /Stop ignoring me, damn it! Turn around and look at me!/

With that, he stopped rocking, raised his head and slowly turned around to face me. Amusement evident on his eyes, /So… it seems that you would cry over me after all./

His grey eyes… the same identical grey eyes… looked at me… mocking me… Something inside of me snapped. I didn't even hear the loud clap echoing across the room until I felt the sting on my hand and the reddening imprint on his cheek. I stood up and turned around, taking several deep breaths to regain my composure. Without another word, I took the leather bound journal from my pocket and handed it over to him, /Here. I don't want it./

I felt him take the small item from my hand. Then gape in shock as I saw it suddenly sail across the opposite side of the room and hit the wall. I turned around to face him again. He returned back to his original position, hugging his legs, staring far ahead, and rocking. I can only swallow the small painful lump starting to form in my throat, /You would throw away your feelings just like that?/

/I don't need it anymore,/ was his simple reply.

He might as well have said 'I don't need you anymore.'

I walked toward the opposite side of the room and cradled the abused book on my chest. Fury continued to burn inside me. Even though I couldn't accept it, it was still a beautiful part of himself that shouldn't be thrown away. I don't understand the reason why he's become like this… I only know that no matter how hard I try, I can't reach him. I was not the person who can reach him. This poem was one of the few visible reminders that the beautiful person I knew since I was a child still existed. I couldn't let him throw that part of himself away. I won't let him.

But what can I do? I don't know what to do…

All I have right now is this uncontrollable anger and hurt from this ugly person in front of me, impersonating Yun-chan. /You're right. Kyou is much more easier to love. At least he won't intentionally hurt other people out in spite. Specially the people he claims whom he cares about the most./

He threw back his head and let out a scornful laugh, /You're a bigger idiot than him./

"Kagura?"

I turned my attention back to the Yun-chan of the present and gave him a grateful smile. He was right. If Tooru-kun didn't come into our lives, things would have been entirely different. He was also right… that even if Tooru-kun didn't come into our lives, my feelings wouldn't have changed. My heart was already set on a goal, long before Yun-chan and I became as close as brother and sister… long before Yun-chan's feelings for me. So now… just like Yun-chan, I just have to continue doing my best to move forward and closer to that ultimate goal.

"By the way," He stated, "I heard from a talkative rabbit that there's a stray cat hiding out in Haru's place."

I raised an eyebrow, "I see…" So that's where he's been hiding…

"But before you go, let me tell you something about stray cats that I learned from observation," He began with a serious expression, "You know, cats over all, are really arrogant, prissy and stupid. A stray cat is the worst. He just thinks that he's the boss of the world or something. You can't force your affection on him or he'll just run away. First, you have to create a situation that will force him to come to you… you know make him believe that it's HIS idea. It's really easy, since cats are really stupid. Wave something in front of him that's looks very tempting to chase. Before you know it, you'll have him purring and rubbing himself between your legs on his own volition."

He was still looking at me with that serious expression on his face. My jaw dropped in embarrassment upon hearing those un-Yuki-like words spouting from his mouth. It felt so weird having the tables turned on you. My hand shot out automatically to push him away, which unfortunately fell on his sore cheek.

"ITAI! Kagura! Watch it!" He yelped, his eyes watering in pain, as he pulled away to nurse his injury

"It's your own fault," I stated unsympathetically, before switching into a more serious tone, "Since when did you become so smart?"

"Heeeh? Didn't you know?" He simply raised his eyebrow and gave me an impish smile, "The mouse is special."

TO BE CONCLUDED…

~~*@*~~