Love is Blind

Warnings: Shounen-ai, angst… Hey, I think that's it! Woo hoo!

Disclaimer: I, KittyMeowMaxwell, do hereby assert that I do not own any of the characters mentioned in the following fic, ie: Yuki, Kyou, Hatsuharu, Kana, Shigure, Akito or Hatori Sohma. And I also swear, solemnly and truthfully that I am making no money off this fic, nor do I have any, so the act of suing me would be an exercise in futility.

Author's notes: I was watching Fruits Basket (the first 10 episodes, since that's all I have at the present time) for about the tenth time today, and I had a sudden thought on why it might be that Akito did what he did to Hatori. And once the sudden thought had struck, it wouldn't go away again, hence Kitty staying up until nearly one in the morning to write this little self-reflection. Akito's POV. This is different from how I usually write, so I would greatly appreciate any comments you should care to make, be they good or bad. Thanks very much! ^_^

~ ~ ~

I blinded him…

I… I didn't mean to. I didn't want to hurt him… I never want to hurt him. I never want to hurt any of them, yet I manage it every time without fail. And this time, I've truly hurt him. He whom I would give anything he asked, save that which he asked of me the very night I took the sight from his eye…

Yet it seems in trying to keep him close to me, I've only pushed him further away, as I seem to do with all of them…

I don't mean to. I never do, but I do it. In an effort to protect them, to help, I only ever hurt.

Telling Yuki he was strange…

Calling Hatsuharu stupid…

Never allowing Kyou into the family…

And… keeping Hatori from Kana…

But how could I let him love her? How could I let him have that happiness when, in doing so, it would break my heart?

It was a vehement no. Straight out. I never even asked any questions, only said no and… the blood! I don't know how that happened! The intent to hurt him thus was never there, he was just suddenly bleeding and Shigure was holding me back and… It was me! I did it! I blinded Hatori's eye and… I blamed Kana… Because… I knew, I knew, just telling her it was her fault would make her think it really was. I knew she'd cry and I knew she wouldn't stop and I knew, the only way for the pain to leave would be for Hatori to erase her memories…

But… if I could do it again… I wouldn't say it.

~Omae no sei da! *

No, I wouldn't.

It wasn't Kana's fault. It wasn't Hatori's fault. It was my fault. I never said anything. I never did anything. I never gave him reason to think I might feel something for him. I was too much of a coward… I am too much of a coward, for even now, I can't tell him. Kana has been gone from his life for a long time now. He's grown the hair long, over his blind eye - the eye I ruined.

And he never blamed me…

That, I don't understand. Because it was my fault. My fault he lost his sight, my fault Kana had to forget, my fault he was never happy. My fault… all of it.

Gomen, Hatori.

Gomen nasai…

Forgive me…

I know it was wrong. Now, I know. Hatori became even colder after that and that was my fault too. I was wrong to prevent Hatori marrying Kana and break both their hearts, especially Hatori's… It was so selfish a thing to do and I still can't tell him anyway. I can't tell him how much I love him, that love was the reason I prevented the marriage back then.

Love…

Pah!

Even I know that's a sorry excuse… I do love him, but I shouldn't ever have been selfish about it. I should have let him be happy, even if that wasn't with me. Selfish love…

If I did tell him now, what would he say?

The point is moot, because I can't tell him. Especially not after everything I did to him. He still thinks about her. He still loves her. He still wants her. He still wants to just be with her. That was all he ever really wanted and I snatched it away. How can I tell him? How?

I wish I'd never hurt Hatori's eye or shattered his dreams for a life with Kana. I wish I'd simply never hurt Hatori at all, physically or emotionally.

I'd fully understand if he just didn't help me one day when I got sick… but… that brings the same point again… He doesn't blame me!

Why doesn't he blame me? I blame me. I blame me!

Oh Hatori, Hatori! What did I do? Why did I hurt you? How do I make it better? How do I tell you I love you? How do I make you see?

How do I say sorry so that it doesn't sound so hollow?

I'm sorry.

Two such simple words with layer upon layer of meaning. Sorry for what? Sorry for everything? What everything? Specifics? For blinding you. For breaking you. For keeping you. For caging you. For loving you…

For loving you…

Ah yes. Therein lie all my problems. Love. Love is pain. Love causes pain. Love causes me to cause pain. Love is selfish. Love is… Love is blind! Funny. Ha, ha. I'm funny.

If I hadn't loved him, I would never have hurt him like I did… Never… Or would I have anyway? I don't know. I thought I was trying to protect him… I know I was… The blood… the blood and the blindness… I didn't mean… I didn't mean to cause those… It was… an accident.

I love him…

But do I? If I loved, wouldn't I have let Kana make him happy? If I… hadn't loved, wouldn't I have let Kana make him happy? I don't know! It's done. It's done and I can't take it back and I do love him!

Oh Hatori… I wanted you to erase her memories. I wanted her to go away. Why? So I could have you back all to myself. To love. But I can't tell you! I want to tell you… So why can't I? I know you'd never hurt me. Not physically. You wouldn't dare!

I'm thinking in circles. Blaming myself. Hating myself and loving Hatori. So kind and pure and gentle… not like me…

Ai… Hatori…

Hatori!

I love you.

I'm sorry… so sorry…

~ ~ ~

*Omae no sei da! This could very well be very wrong, but it's what I thought I heard when Akito yells at Kana that it's her fault. I did originally simply have "It's your fault!" there, but in my head, Akito's actual words, in Japanese, carried far more impact, so I put them there, right or wrong. Either way, it's supposed to mean "It's your fault!" If it doesn't, then oops! Forgive my bad Japanese! ^_^

Author's note: I hope it made at least some sense…