Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Punishment ❯ Prayers ( Chapter 4 )

Punishment
Chapter 4: Prayers

       For several days, Tohru missed school to spend as much time as she possibly could with her mother. It wasn't expected for her to live much longer. Tohru was extremely upset, but she still tried to smile at her two best friends. They could see though her smile easily - she was distressed. There were complications in Kyoko's heart, and there was nothing could be done but wait to see if she could hold on until a specialist could be flown in. Tohru would sit at her mother's bedside until a doctor or nurse would come in and tell her visiting hours were over. She sat and prayed for her mother to be all right.

       * * * * *

All you needed was a little invitation.

You said yourself, you'd make a dedication.

You said yourself, you'd sell your soul.

But it will drag you down.

       * * * * *

       Saki was lying in her room reading the book on curses, which was as interesting as Megumi has said it was. Even though it was rivetting, she found herself becoming distracted; missing words and skipping lines as she read. She couldn't keep herself from imagining Tohru alone with Kyoko in the small monochromatic hospital room. She was interrupted by the piercing ring of the downstairs telephone. She was the only one in the house that Sunday morning (she presumed her family was out playing in the backyard as they so often did) so she ran down the stairs two steps at a time and caught the phone on its fourth ring.

       "Hello, Hanajima Saki speaking," she spoke into the phone.

       "Saki, Tohru's prayers weren't answered." It was Arisa, but her voice was void of its usual liveliness.

       Silence, and then, "What?"

       "Kyoko has passed away, Saki." The words echoed in her mind and covered the words that followed. She couldn't even think. "Saki? Are you there? You okay?"

       "...Yes. I think so." It was shocking, it couldn't have been reality. But it was. No dream could be that lifelike.

       "I'm going to go visit Tohru-kun, she's going to need us. She's still at the hospital, and asked me to tell you. Are you going to come too?"

       Tohru needed her. "Yes, I'll come there later on today. I have to go to the shrine this morning - it is Sunday."

       "I understand," Arisa said on the other line of the phone. "I'm walking there right now. If we aren't there, we'll be back at Tohru's house. She shouldn't be alone in their apartment right now."

       After ending the conversation, Saki sunk into a leather chair. She couldn't believe that such a strong woman like Kyoko couldn't hold on any longer. It seemed so illusory, but suddenly something hit her - those waves she received before she had comforted Tohru had warned her. They told her she shouldn't comfort Tohru, that she would have been better off if she hadn't have comforted her at all. Being comforted kept her from doing what she was supposed to do. She should have stopped herself and Arisa from doing so, but she let it go on in front of her face even after the warnings.

       It's all our fault, and I am responsible. She could only blame herself.

       The backdoor squeaked opened and her mother and three sisters flooded into the room. "Saki, Megumi! Time for church!" her mother called. Megumi must have somewhere inside after all. He appeared from upstairs and headed for the front hall. Her family scattered to their rooms to put on their shrine clothes.

       Saki headed back to her room and found the clothes she usually wore to the shrine. The clothes were fairly simple, a black high cut blouse with white ribbons on each sleeve and a sombre grey skirt that flowed to her knees. The white ribbons were her mother's only request for when they went to the shrine, otherwise she allowed Saki to express herself in anyway she pleased. She slipped into the preselected clothes and looked at herself in the mirror. She noticed that her fingernails were natural; since she had become friends with Tohru and Arisa, she hadn't felt the need to scare away other people. They seemed to frighten people even without it, so she hadn't bothered. But that day, with her torn conscience, she pulled out the black bottle. With even strokes, her nails were once again stained and tarnished.

       Everyone should stay away from my sins.

       * * * * *

Can't there be some other way? Can't we make you stay?

Don't you feel it, all that love? But down below, it's so unloved.

You can't feel it? Even with all that love, you still won't stay?

       * * * * *

       Saki, Tohru's prayers weren't answered.

       She shouldn't be alone in their apartment right now.

       Kyoko has passed away, Saki.

       Are you there? You okay?

       Even the prayers of the kindest, most accepting person she knew were not answered. It wasn't right. It's indecent for that kind of person to have to bear all this suffering alone. Where was the salvation that she had prayed for? She lost everything with the loss of her mother. All for what? Divine justice had not come. The other driver had been the one at fault in the accident, but Kyoko was the one to perish. Every Sunday at the shrine, they were informed that salvation comes for those who do positive deeds. The teachings did not coincide with real life. Was it the truth or was everything taught just a lie? The truth, it had surfaced.

       Saki came down the stairs while pulling on her long cloak and saw the figures of her sisters putting on their shoes. Her mother and Megumi were patiently waiting for everyone to finish. Saki slipped on a pair of flat shoes and turned to face her mother.

       "Mom, I don't think I can go today. I need to go visit Tohru-kun instead. She needs me right now."

       "Saki, you know that religion is important to me and the rest of the family. Couldn't it wait?" her mother asked, one hand falling to her hip in exasperation.

       "It can't be helped. I don't want her to be alone for very long. Tohru-kun's mother has passed away, and I need to be there for her."

       "You're serious?" her mother asked.

       "Very. I wouldn't joke about something like life or death, Mother," Saki made clear.

       Her mother opened the door and looked to the sky. The clouds were dark. "Alright, you can go. Please give Tohru my sympathies."

       * * * * *

So now that your faith's gone, who're you going to trust?

Now that your conscience is crawling in the dust?

       * * * * *

       Everything was so confusing. Her family had such strong beliefs, but her very own grandmother had given her a book about curses and their forms. Even though she and Megumi had these abnormal abilities, they were both expected to follow the family customs. But her grandmother.... It was all very strange. She wished that could go back and follow the will of the waves, but it was all too late. She had accepted her powers - sort of - and she thought that was enough to have peace, but apparently not. Long ago, she would have sold her soul to escape the torment of these waves, but now she could comprehend. If she ignored the few accepted waves that got through to her, bad things would happen. Perhaps it was meant for her to be able to interpret them to stop these wrong things. If only she had understood sooner for it was too late for certain things to be recovered.

       She couldn't possibly face Tohru's grievous image yet. All those guilty waves still surrounded her entire being. No matter how Saki angled herself, she could still hear them clearly. Maybe there was something that had to be done first, she resolved. So she walked in hope that she would receive some sort of inspiration of what that thing might be.

       One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, each stride bringing her seemingly farther away from her goal. She walked as far as she possibly could without following any predestined paths. It was a quixotic journey which she really couldn't understand. She followed her instincts, turning at whatever intersections her heart dictated. It started to get windier, but instead of allowing the wind to push her along, she continued to move against it. Ignoring the rational part of her brain, she refused to admit that she might have become lost in a more rural area of town in which she rarely journeyed.

       The chill factor of the wind settled in, making it seem colder than it really was. She pulled her bare hands inside the billowing sleeves of her cloak and made a fist, trying to keep in all of the body heat that she could. She sincerely wished that she had worn a floor length skirt; her exposed shins must have had goose bumps by then.

       Why can't I just do things right?

       A lonely bus waiting bench drew her attention, so she filled its vacancy. Fatigue was starting to rear its ugly head, so it was the perfect opportunity to rest. She studied the view, but she could still come to no conclusion of her whereabouts. She would have to spend the entire morning retracing her steps. She stared at the long stretch of grass beyond the road ahead of her, their lengthy blades thrashing against each other in the wild winds. She was only slightly aware of a form taking a seat down on the opposite end of the bench.

       They both sat in silence, staring ahead of them. After a minute of time passing, Saki could no longer resist her curiosity. She looked at the body sitting beside her out of the corner of her eye, turning her body slightly for a better look; he was a tall young man, clad in a fashion that she could appreciate for individuality's sake, at least. He wore a long, white jacket with a collar made of down feathers. Around his neck hung several different chains, each one more different than the previous. He had black leather pants, then finally a cowboy styled boot worn on each foot. But what the most interesting part was his fluttering hair, jet black at the bottom, but topped off with locks of pure white that did not fade to black roots. It strangely looked natural.

       She must have examined him too long, for he turned his head to face her. "Interesting?"

       His grey eyes settled on hers. Their depths seemed cloudy, almost indifferent. "Maybe so." She quickly looked away, back to the chaotic swaying grass. Like that boy from school, Yuki, this person emitted those mysterious waves that perplexed her. Having his eyes focused only on hers made her feel nervous - she felt as if her soul was an open book. "Are you just waiting for the bus?"

       "Yeah, but it only comes once every two hours on Sunday. I was supposed to get here an hour earlier, but the raging winds steered me off my course." His words sounded a little melodramatic. "It took me a while to find my way back here. The next one won't come for another hour. My cousins won't miss me."

       "Ah, I went against the wind, but I still ended up lost."

       He nodded knowingly. "It happens to me all the time."

       Silence reigned again as Saki looked at the dusky sky, where it seemed like it was going to start raining any moment. Her eyes fell to her hands, and her mother's white ribbons were in her field of vision. They were so pure, contrasting greatly with their bearer. She pulled the bows undone and removed them from the loops at the end of her sleeves. She was free from their confines.

       "You don't like ribbons?" he asked, studying her the way she had studied him.

       "It's not that I don't like them," said Saki as she tied the pair of ribbons together loosely, "it's just that I'm not too fanatical about white. I don't deserve to wear it." She tied it several times more, tightening them into a tanged knot.

       "You have a lot on your mind," he observed. "So you hate white, huh?"

       "No, that's not it in the least. White is too good for me. I've thought about things I'm ashamed of, so that white should be grey." She hadn't meant to spill her thoughts out loud so easily, why did those eyes do that to her? "No, I shouldn't bother you with this curse."

       Curse. He looked up with interest, his cloudy eyes clearing slightly. "Listen, I'm a complete stranger. You've never met me before, and I'll bet that we'll never see each other again. What's the harm in confiding in me?"

       "I suppose nothing." Or everything. But still, she found herself letting her thoughts leave her body with this nameless stranger. So mysterious, but it felt right to do so. "I just hear things sometimes, in the airwaves that are so terrible and wrong. Sometimes they are so overbearing that I can't think about my actions in the least and someone around me might get hurt because of those angry waves."

       He seemed more than fascinated by her story, all his attention on her. She continued, "But I don't want anyone to get hurt because of my thoughts, so I can't do anything. I try to stay calm and placid, hoping that everything will go away on its own. If I can't control it, something horrible will happen around me. No one understands this conflict in my head. I've done things that I can never be forgiven for."

       "I can understand it," he said, nodding again. The look on her face told him that couldn't believe that he'd accept her story so easily, but she smiled a bit. When White turns to Black, that's what this is like. She knows this feeling. "I really do. Hey, I bet you'd look good with white," he said, a slight sign of a grin forming on his features. He took the ribbons from her and started working at the twisted fabric. The knots eventually came loose between his fingers, and he gave them back to her. "Just because you've let these thoughts take over doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy."

       He brushed several strands of white hair out of his face while he looked away from her; his eyes regaining their passive look. "The bus, it's coming," he said, standing up. The bus could be seen not far away, stopped at the nearest traffic light. Time had passed so quickly. "You coming?"

       "Actually, I'm walking to the hospital. I was just resting. I don't have any money," Saki confessed, suddenly feeling embarrassed. She had sat there all that time waiting with him when she had things she still had to do. Tohru was waiting for her. "Sayonara."

       She walked away a couple of steps to head on her way but was stopped abruptly by his pressured hand on her shoulder. "Hey, wait." He had caught up to her, and once he was sure she wasn't about to leave he started searching in his pocket. "Here," he said, handing her some coins, "you don't want to walk all the way there from here. This bus stops there." She gave him a questioning look, so he confirmed, "My treat."

       In no time, the bus pulled to a stop in front of them. Before she could protest his donation, he had a hold of her free hand and was pulling her inside the windowed doors to the back of the bus, stopping briefly to hand the driver some money. It was basically empty, only an elderly couple sitting together in the front seat.

       "Thank you," she said, shaking a little. His touch was so strong, never would she be able to repel it, that is, if she had wanted to. She frowned at herself momentarily, but regained her composure as fast as she had lost it. "So, who are you?"

       "Sohma Hatsuharu," he replied, completely nonchalant. "You?"

       "Hanajima Saki."

       * * * * *

You want to look at the edge of madness, just to see what there is to see.

You want to find what you're missing out on, come on over here, child.

Don't you come here wasting my time, you're going to make it just fine.

       * * * * *

       "Here's my stop," Saki said as they neared the hospital. "Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate it."

       "No, thank you. I've done things I regret too. Remember, I'm just a stranger, what can I judge?"

       Saki nodded. Somehow, talking to a complete stranger about her problems had felt wonderful. She almost wanted to learn more about this person. He understood, and that meant a lot to her. She wanted to understand him too, but she wondered if that was a strange thought to have about someone she barely knew. She put that idea out of her mind; she knew that she'd have to return to the real world that was her life. Tohru still needed her.

       * * * * *

Now your bent on the edge of blindness; what are you trying to see?

You want to walk with a soul of darkness.

But by stepping on those coals, you'll get those blisters on your feet.

The waiting room is full, you're pressured and your pulled.

Now your soul's tired from crawling on that barbed wire.

       * * * * *

       She was too late to meet them. By the time Saki arrived at the hospital Tohru and Arisa were nowhere to be found. They must have already left for Tohru's apartment. She immediately belittled herself for wasting so much time for basically no good reason. She left the hospital and walked through the busy downtown streets towards Tohru's home.

       Walking was definitely not Saki's forte; she had never been very successful in any sort of physical activity, as her failing gym grade proved. She clenched her fists at her sides, one set of fingers tightening around several flat, circular objects. She didn't even realize she was holding them until sometime later, when she had to stop and retie one of her shoes. It was currency. In her flustered state, she had not given the change to that driver. He had allowed both of them access to the bus, so she could only assume that Hatsuharu had paid for both himself and her too, even after he had already given her some money earlier! She felt guilty about it, but there was nothing she could do about it now.

       The streets of the bazaar district were flooded with people. Tiny shops had been set up in parallel lines on either side of the road for an annual market event. The shops seemed to encompass anything that Saki could think of. She kept her mind on Tohru, but she couldn't help but stop in front of a flower vender. Dozens of blooming bouquets of flowers were sitting on stands, but the expensive signs made her cringe.

       The elderly woman looked Saki up and down, eyes filling with distrust as she studied her dark outfit. Saki paid no mind to the woman's stares, and instead examined the signs again.

       She pulled her white ribbons out of her pocket with her right hand and held them to her chest solemnly. She remembered how her mother had given them to her as a gift. Then there was the image Tohru, who would never be able to receive a gift from her mother ever again. She recalled something else, the sight of Kyoko handing both her and Arisa a single white lily after they promised to take care of Tohru whenever she was gone. She drew out of her reveries as her eyes settled on a dozen white lilies. She stared at them, wishing hard that she could afford such a gift for Tohru.

       "Excuse me," a crackling voice caused Saki to avert her gaze from the flowers to the voice's owner, the grey haired flower vender. She seemed hesitant, her eyes still showing her fear, but also concern. "A-are you...in mourning? Pardon my intrusion, dearie. I-I mean no disrespect." Her fear of a harsh retort was evident.

       Saki was surprised,, but answered, "Actually, yes. My close friend's mother has died, and I was thinking of her favourite flower. I could never think of purchasing such extravagant bouquets of lilies, I don't have much money." She opened her left palm to expose the coins, still searching for a more inexpensive option among the posted signs. It appeared that she would never be able to afford any sort of flower to comfort Tohru.

       The venders eyes softened. "Life is fleeting, I know it well. We all don't appreciate the little time that we have to grace this earth until the hour glass is nearly empty." She stared at an imaginary person located somewhere behind and to the left of Saki. "My husband died recently. We fought a lot in our marriage, but I miss him with my whole being. I miss him so..." She lifted her hand to her cheek, wiping a stray tear or two away. She immediately rubbed her moist hand against her apron, erasing all evidence of the tears. "Appreciate all of your life while you can, I say. Don't let anything escape, even if it is something as simple as a sunset. Appreciate everything."

       The woman rambled on, giving all of the advice she could to Saki, who remained focused on her words. It was something she would definitely have to think about. She knew she often looked at the dark side of things rather than the bright; but now was not the time to think about that. She absorbed the woman's words and stored them in the back of her mind to think about later.

       "It would be a shame to break up the dozen, but I think it is something that I should do. I do have a business to run here, but I'm willing to give you one for the little change you have there." She smiled weakly at Saki and held out the flower in her wrinkled hands. "Please, appreciate everything, even the little things that seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things."

       Saki looked down at those aged hands, then back up to the seasoned face of the woman. She emitted waves of youthful hope, as if she was regaining more faith in the world every day she lived. The woman was wise, Saki could tell. She accepted the flower in exchange for the money and smiled, a real smile of appreciation. "Thank you. I will take your words to heart." She pulled the ribbons around the stem of the lily into a bow. The fabric intertwined with each other, each piece as important as the other.

       Thank you, kind woman, for your abundant advice and wise spirit. Thank you, Hatsuharu, for giving me your bounteous advice. How is it that two people who do not know me can still be influential? I will remember this always, even if we never cross paths in the future.

       Thank you, Mother, Megumi, Tohru, Arisa, Kyoko; for accepting me for who I am and all parts of me, and allowing me to know who you really are inside. Thank you for your words and actions that have inspired me and shaped me into the person I am today.

       I thank you all.

Author Notes: Chapter 4; Completed July 15th 2003, Revised and Uploaded August 15th 2003.
I chose lilies because in the episode where everyone visits Kyoko's grave, Tohru brings a bouquet of what looks like lilies. I didn't mean to end the chapter in such a sappy thankful way, but...it just happened. I didn't want to have Kyoko pass away, but the story would not work if this did not happen. I would like to take this time to thank my lovely reviewers, you guys are awesome and inspiring! Thank you very much for taking time to review. ^.^
* * * * * Altered Excerpts from "Master and the Margarita" and "Apathy" by The Tea Party; Fruits Basket characters to N.T. at Hana to Yume Comics