Full Metal Panic Fan Fiction ❯ Dinner and Dessert ❯ Epilogue ( Chapter 4 )

Dinner and Dessert

By the Black Rose

I'd like to dedicate this to the ADV Full Metal Panic! Cast that attended Afest 2003: Chris "Full Metal" Patton, Greg "the Panty thief" Ayres, Monica "Nerds Rule" Rial, and Vic "Sousuke's a Drip" Mignogna. We had such a blast meeting you guys!  J  

As always, thanks for reading.  Love, Rose

Rated R for an allusion to previous sexual experience, but nothing graphic.  It is consistent with subject matter contained in a Rated R movie.

Chapter 4

(The spoon.  There is a spoon. And something nearing a plot. DAMN!)

Sousuke woke and hit the alarm on his watch.  The room was still dark. And quiet.  No sounds of traffic echoed up from the street below, no voices shouted greetings or exchanged news in front of the
building. 

He looked down at the girl beside him and slid his hand down to meet delicate fingers that curled around the blanket at his waist.  He took hold of them and relaxed back into the pillow.  It couldn’t last much longer: the sense of peace, the calm that had washed over his entire being as he lay here with Kaname. Was he asking too much to try and savor just a few more moments?

The girl stirred and exhaled sharply, then settled back against the cushion of his chest.  Sousuke sighed and opened his eyes again, stealing another glance at his watch.  It was over.  He had to move her in order to get out of bed, but he really didn't want to wake her.  He waited for her breathing to deepen once again.

A few minutes ticked by.  When he was sure she was asleep, he carefully extracted himself from her loose embrace.  A chill greeted his nude form, and the urge to just crawl back into bed with her intensified. He glanced back over his shoulder.  She was lying, eyes closed, in the moonlight; her blue hair lay untied and fanned across his pillow.  His fingers knew how soft those strands were.

Sousuke snapped his head around and moved to pick up his discarded clothes.  He tugged on his t-shirt and briefs, then reached for the slacks dangling over the back of the chair.  A loud clunk! resounded as his belt
buckle smacked across the wooden dowels.  He winced and listened for anything to indicate she had woken.  Hearing nothing, he picked them up and turned to–

She was sitting up in the center of the bed, hair mussed, eyelids slightly droopy, but open.  The comforter and sheet pooled around her hips, and she was bare from the waist up.  Soft light peeked in through the blinds and painted her skin in silver hues; she glowed like an angel from a picture he had seen in a magazine once – an illustration to accompany a soldier's tale.

"Sousuke…"

He stood, frozen to the spot.  Sheets rustled as she crawled towards the side of the bed.

"Do you have to go?"

"Yes.  I have to be at the rendezvous point in–"

With one hand securing the comforter around her waist, she stretched up and took his arm, pulling him towards the bed.

He kneeled down on the edge of the mattress.  Kaname sat back and tilted her head.  He moved closer. "…two hours."

She smiled and let go of the covers. They fell to her knees as she cupped his face and pressed her lips to his.  He kissed her back; her soft mouth yielded to his  assault.

"Then you don't have to go yet," she whispered.

"No, I --"

Kaname smiled again; her brown eyes met his gaze and pulled him in.

The next thing he knew, his t-shirt was gone and she was beneath him, her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, soft skin melting into his.  Sousuke trailed his lips down her neck, listening to her panting breath turn into
something more primal as he sought to drown himself – and that infernal call of duty.  She arched her back and clutched him tighter; her voice called out his name.

"Sousuke… Wait…"

"Yes?" He raised his head and found her eyes.  She grinned; her complexion turned a dark shade of pink.

"Maybe we should try one of those other 'interesting' sexual positions."

**************************************************< br>

The chopper was waiting on the launch pad when Sousuke arrived.  A young pilot emerged from the craft and saluted.  Sgt. Sagara returned the gesture.

The pilot tapped his watch.  "You're late."

Sousuke nodded and moved to board.

"We'll be taking off right away.  But we'll have to haul ass to make up the time."

"Hn." Sousuke grunted and sat down; he buckled himself into his seat.

"Thought about jus leavin' ya.  But I reckon the Major wouldn't really appreciate that.  Losin' his best AS pilot, ya know."

The sergeant crossed his arms and closed his eyes.  The pilot climbed into the cockpit and within minutes, they were sailing through the sky.

"Sousuke, is…is this okay?" Kaname peered down at him from where she sat with a leg on each side of his lap. Given his position lying back against the headboard, he was…rather enjoying the view.

"Yes.It-it's good."

"How do I…?" She shifted over his legs and glanced down at his chest. 

He blinked and took in the slightly confused expression she wore.  She was always so different when they were alone together.  He could tell she was feeling insecure.  It was strange for her, he knew, but he wasn't exactly feeling too knowledgeable himself.  He took her hand and pulled her towards him for a kiss.

"Sergeant, we're closin in on the rendezvous point with the Danaan. We should be landing only two minutes and thirty-four seconds behind schedule."

Sousuke's eyes shot open, dispelling the picture of the blue haired girl from his mind.  The sergeant sighed.  He figured he wouldn't be forgetting that image any time soon: Kaname with her head thrown back, hair tossed about wildly, and completely…beautiful.

Sousuke smiled.  She seemed to like being on top. 

And truth be told, he didn't think he really minded, either.

***************************************************

Water slapped against the belly of the sleek, grey vessel as it held its designated position in the sea.  Waves broke and sprayed the surface of the landing strip that was just visible above the surface.  The pilot set the chopper down, and the two men quickly disembarked.     

Kalinin stood waiting at the edge of the landing zone, his sharp eyes narrowed against the wind from the helicopter blades.  "Welcome back, Sergeant."

Sousuke saluted the Major.

"At ease."

He lowered his arm, but still stood at attention. 

"You'll report to my office in two hours, once you're settled in."

"Yes, Major."

"Sgt. Sagara, I hope you won't disappoint me with your report."

"No sir."

"Dismissed."

He turned and caught sight of Kurz and Melissa waiting at the entry hatch.  They started towards him, and his quick assessment of the situation was: there was no way out.

Kurz gave him a healthy “pat” on the shoulder that nearly sent him hurtling down to the sublevels.  "Welcome back!"

Sousuke’s eyes widened at his blond comrade, who appeared to not only still be on speaking terms with Sergeant Major Mao, but also seemed to have come through the last interruption of Melissa’s phone conversation unscathed.  "You're alive."

"Eh, yes, well," Kurz chuckled.  "Mom decided to go easy on me.  Guess she has a soft spot afterall--"

Sousuke scratched his head.  "Mom?"

Melissa rolled her eyes.  "Sis, mom, can't you call me by my name?"

"What? Honey bunn–"

Melissa slammed her fist into his jaw.

Sousuke sighed.  Maybe it was just that Kurz was a quick healer. Those two still didn't make any sense.  He turned in the direction of his quarters.  Melissa gave up on pelting Kurz and rushed to follow him.

"Hey, Sousuke! How's Kaname?"

He kept his attention fixed on the floor.  "She's well.  A bit…sad, I guess, when I left."

"Yeah. You look a little down yourself.  I take it things are still okay between you two?"

He felt another person move in behind him.  "Okay?  Okay? With a body like that, she should be better than okay. Am I right?"

"Hm?"  Sousuke glanced up.  Kurz had leapt out in front and was blocking their progress.

"He's not down, mom, he's tired, and his ears are probably ringing with cries of 'Oh Sousuke, oh Sousuke, oh oh oh!'"

The younger Mithril sergeant lunged across the small space and knocked Weber back against the wall. "Shut your damn mouth."  Sagara glared into wide blue eyes. 

The surprise quickly fell from the other man's features and Kurz's mouth turned up into a smirk. "Or were you even man enough to take her?"

A low growl escaped Sousuke's lips.

"That's enough.  Both of you."

The two men glowered at one another.  From the corner of his eye, Sagara saw Melissa hovering over his shoulder. 

"Sousuke.  He's an ass, but let him go."

Sagara narrowed his eyes.  Kurz snarled back.

A hand touched his shoulder and Melissa spoke to him in a tender tone.  "Sousuke, you have every right to be angry."

Sagara's eyes opened wide and he choked; the sergeant ducked his head, but continued to pin Weber against the wall.  Why am I so angry?  

"But you know Kurz is only joking."

Why? Why did I react this way?

"He has the worst sense of humor and should never talk about a woman in that way, and certainly he deserves to one day have his head bashed in for it."

"Hey!"  Kurz’s malicious gaze flicked away from the younger man and settled on Melissa.

"But you don't want to do it this way.  You have other things to think about, right now.  Don't take your frustration out on Kurz.  It's not like you, Sousuke."

What am I doing? What's wrong with me?

The younger sergeant let go of his friend, then spun on his heel and ran down the hall towards his room.

Why?

Why do I feel like everything's out of control?

************************************************** **

He was tired.  The weekend had gone by in a blur, and though he was used to going long periods of time with little sleep, this was a different sort of tired. The type of tired he felt after the Homeland mission: an exhaustion that seemed to permeate to his very core. Sousuke stared up at the ceiling over his bunk and closed his eyes.  But sleep….

Sleep was an elusive enemy: always a step ahead on an endless horizon.

The Major sat behind his desk with hands folded over a stack of files; his full attention was on Sousuke.

"There is always something to be learned from any mission, sir." 

The superior officer’s silver head shook from side to side. “That’s not what I meant.  What personal lesson did you learn, Sgt. Sagara?"

"Personal lesson?"

"Yes.  I don't want an opinion as to what caliber weapons you think are more appropriate for crowd control, or which AS is better suited for patrol.  Those will be in Sgt. Major Mao's official report.  I want to know what you learned from your experiences with people your age.  Contacts you've listed in prior accounts, like Mr. Kazama and, of course, Miss Chidori."

A cold bead of sweat started to trickle down the back of his neck.  "I…I don't understand."

"I see." The Major lowered his eyes and sat back in his seat. "Perhaps I have placed you in an unfair position, sergeant." He swiveled the chair around, and Sousuke found himself staring at the back
of it, with no clue as to what the Major had meant.

"Sir?"

"These are your personal affairs.  I don't have the right to pry."

"No. It-it's not a problem.  I just…I have not had time to think of the answer."

"Ah. Then take the weekend to consider it." Major Kalinin turned back around to face his subordinate. "You can give me a report when you get back."

"Yes sir." Sousuke saluted once again.

"Dismissed."

Sagara started for the door, but froze once his hand touched the knob.  He stepped back into the room and stood at attention.

"Yes sergeant?"

"Do you want it written, sir?"

Kalinin let out a loud breath. "No, sergeant, I don't need a written report of your personal affairs.  This is off the record."

A knock sounded on the door to his room.  Sousuke’s eyes flew open.  Had he actually dozed off? 

"Permission to enter." Melissa's voice sounded through the wall.

"Granted." He stood up from the bed and saluted.

"At ease. This is a personal visit, Sousuke."

He dropped his hand and pulled the chair out from under the small, built-in desk; he scooted it across the floor to Melissa.

"Thanks."

Sousuke nodded and sat back down on the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Melissa leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees.  "We're friends, remember?  I can tell when something's bothering you.  What's wrong? Is it Kaname? Did things not go well last night?"

Sagara's cheeks burned and he looked away.  He just knew his expression somehow announced to everyone that he had slept with Kaname last night. 

"Sousuke?"

"Things…were fine.  Last night.  She didn't want me to leave this morning."

"Ahhhhh.  And she wasn't the only one who didn't want you to leave, is that it?"

He faced his friend, but focused on the door over her shoulder.  "I have a job to do.  I'm a soldier."

"Is that what you told her?"

"Yes."

"And so you fought?"

Sousuke’s shoulder slumped.  "We didn't argue.  She was just…upset."

"Don't go, Sousuke, please?" Kaname clung to him; he could feel her tears soak the front of his shirt.

The young sergeant buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what to do.  I have no answers to these questions. I wasn't prepared for this."

"I have to go."

"How long will you be away?  Can I see you?  W-will you ever–"

 "I have to be away most of the time.  I have dangerous missions, I could…not make it back. It is my duty."  He dropped his hands.  "She will just be wasting her time."

He pushed her back to an arm's length away. "Don't wait for me."

"What? How can you say that?  Do you think I'd do this with anyone else? Do you think I could just forget–"

"She should find someone else…"

"Is that what you really want?" 

He still couldn’t look at Melissa.  He took a deep breath and pushed the words out of his mouth.  "It is the best thing for her."

"But what about you?"

"A soldier's desires are immaterial."

"That's not true."  Melissa stood up and crossed her arms.  “I'm asking you, is that really what you want?  For Kaname to find someone else, to love someone else?"

"I-I've come to...care for you. Very much."

"I really do love--"

"Please don't go.  I love you."

Sousuke shook his head.

"Good."

He looked up at his friend.  "I don't understand."

"Sousuke, you're not just a soldier.  That's your job, but it's not all that you are.”  She rested a hand on his arm and gave a little squeeze.  “You're a good man, and you care about her.  You shouldn't give up on your feelings for Kaname just because things will be hard.  She knows they will be, but she cares about you, and is willing to take those risks."

"But–"

"Sousuke, it's sweet of you to want what's best for her, but isn't what's best for her being with the man she cares about?  Or at least, trying to make things work?"

He turned away.  "I don't know."

"What about your future? Don't you want to have a life outside of Mithril?"

"I don't know."

"And your heart?"  She ducked down, and caught his gaze.  “Are you just not going to love anyone because you only see yourself as a soldier?"

The Mithril sergeant shot up from his bed, forcing Melissa to flatten herself against the chair.  "I don't know!  I told you, I don't have these answers!"

He found the nearest wall and rested his forehead against the cool steel.  His fists clenched and a tremor wracked his body.

"Sousuke, it's okay if you don't.  Answers will come in time, and you have to believe you'll have that time – the way Kaname believes in you."

Sousuke picked his head up and spun around to face Melissa. "She…?" 

"Of course she believes in you.  That's why she wants to be with you.  She knows it's not going to be easy until you can resign, and even then, it's never easy. But she believes the times you'll have together will be worth the hardship. And that the person you are, Sousuke Sagara – not Sergeant Sagara, or her bodyguard, or even the Mithril AS pilot – is a good man.  She loves you, Sousuke."

He nodded slowly.  "I…I think I understand."

Melissa smiled.  "Good.  Then you should call her."

"I have a meeting with the Major, now."

"Ah.  Then after your meeting?"

"I will…try to think of what to say to her."

"Tell her what's in your heart, Sousuke.  That's what she needs to hear."  Melissa opened the door and they both filed out.  Sagara nodded again and headed off to Major Kalinan's office. 

“Sergeant Major… Melissa?”

She halted and turned around.  “Yes, Sousuke?”

“Thank you.”  The woman gave him another smile as he started towards the Major’s office.

************************************************

 Major Kalinin flipped through the pages of Mao's report, skimming through paragraphs and paying particular attention only when Sagara's name came up.

The young sergeant had been isolated from normalcy for too long.  Kalinin had hoped that this latest mission would give Sousuke the chance to experience some of the life he had given up to become an agent of Mithril.  The Major didn't want him to end up a soulless soldier.  But that had been the way the young man was headed.  Kalinin could see it in his eyes. 

It had started after the scouting mission….

The dark-haired boy shook his head and wiped away tears with a dirty hand. "Why? Who gets to decide this person lives and this one dies?"

"I–"

"If I had been there…"

Kalinin tried to keep his voice low and even. "You'd be dead, too."

"No! I could have done something." Fire blazed in the young man's eyes.

He grabbed the boy by the shoulders.  "You could have done nothing!"

He still had fight in him then.  As the days wore on, the fire faded into embers.

Then into ash.

The young sergeant had slowly become little more than an automaton.  He followed orders, but with the exception of working that time under Mao, had no longer stood out as any sort of asset beyond being a capable AS pilot.  Kalinin had report after report after report, and they all said the same thing:

"Sgt. Sagara completed the mission exactly as ordered. Giving no more effort and no less effort than was required.  He could be an outstanding soldier, if he would apply himself." 

Off the record, the reports were the same, too.

"He's empty.  He has a lot of potential, but he just seems…lost. I've heard some of the other men question the rationality behind allowing someone so young into our ranks, sir. Sure, he's capable--"   

"That's enough."

"Yes, sir."

The mission with Mao gave him hope for the young man.  She had given Sagara a glowing report, praising his resourcefulness at key moments and declaring him one of the finest soldiers she'd ever had the opportunity of serving with.  Kalinin wasn't sure which was the catalyst – Weber, or Mao – but he figured he'd let the three work together again.  Maybe Weber's irritatingly cheerful personae could draw the boy out of his self-imposed shell.  Or perhaps having a woman to understand him….

Knuckles rapped a smart staccato on the door.  "Reporting for duty, sir."

"Enter."

Sousuke took a few brisk steps into the room and stood at attention; as was protocol, he saluted.

"At ease, Sergeant.  I told you, this is an informal report."

Sagara nodded.  "Yes sir."

"You've thought about what you've learned on this mission?" Kalinin pretended to shuffle some papers on his desk.  It wasn't in his nature, usually, to pry.

"Yes sir." 

He could tell even without looking the young man had not relaxed his posture at all.  "Then tell me."

There was a pause for a moment.  The Major glanced up at the soldier.  Exactly as he thought, Sagara was still standing at attention with his lips in a tightly pressed line.  "If it's a long report, you may sit down, sergeant."

"No.  It is not a long report."

"Go ahead, then.  Off the record."  Kalinin went back to pretending to examine a file.

"Major, the most valuable thing I learned on this mission…."  Sagara's voice sounded strained.

"Sergeant, if it's too personal–"

"Is that I am Sousuke Sagara."

The Major lifted his eyes and met the young man's gaze.  There was focus, determination…. That spark of humanity and compassion had returned and burned with intensity in the young man’s expression.  The sergeant looked away and squared his shoulders once more. 

"Very well then.  You're dismissed," Kalinin said. He turned and bent forward to return a file folder to the cabinet behind his desk.  The other occupant of the room made no effort to move.

"D-dismissed?"

"Yes.  Dismissed." He closed the file drawer and righted himself in his chair.  "You may go back to your quarters and have the rest of the day to get any additional affairs in order."

Sousuke saluted, did a quick left face, and exited the way he came.  Kalinin folded his hands on his desk and allowed himself a smile.

The Major stepped out of his office a while later to do a routine check and travel the halls.  It always gave him time to think. 

Sousuke's report had lifted a weight from his shoulders.  The older man had been concerned, perhaps in a way similar to a father looking after his son.  Kalinin himself had no sons.  He had married military life long ago, and remained faithful to it all these years.

There are men who are born to be soldiers….  Hands folded behind his back, Kalinin wasn't inspecting much as he walked down the hall, caught in his musings.

But a good soldier is not always a good man.

Many a bastard has lived and died on the battlefield.  A brief flash of that cockroach, Gauron's, face appeared in his mind.  Yes.  Bastard. Kalinin snarled and turned a corner, heading down the path towards Sagara's quarters.

And even I am not what I consider a good man.

He stopped as he got close to the door, not really understanding why he had come, and determined to pass by without further intruding on the young sergeant's time, when the old adage came to mind: Great men die heroes.

The Major shook his head.  Don't be a great man, Sagara.

As if in answer, Sousuke's voice sounded from within.  "Yes, Kaname…. It's okay."

Kalinin smiled and continued on his way. 

But do better than me. 

Be a good man.

"I…I miss you, too, Kaname."
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