Full Metal Panic Fan Fiction ❯ In secret places ❯ Between the shadow and the soul ( Chapter 1 )

TITLE: Secretly, between the shadow and the soul

SERIES: In secret places #1

AUTHOR: TaleWeaver

DISCLAIMER: If you recognize it, it was created by Shouji Gatou. I'm not profiting from this in any way. But the actual words used here are my own. The title comes from Pablo Neruda's Sonnet 17.

FANDOM / PAIRING: Full Metal Panic! Sousuke/Kaname

RATING / CONTENT: NC-17. M/F sex and a great deal of angst

SPOILERS: Everything up to end of The Second Raid

SUMMARY: Speculative missing scene for TSR episode 7 `Left Behind'. What if Sousuke had ignored his withdrawal orders long enough to say goodbye to Kaname?

PROMPT: Written for 30_lemons #20 `First timers' and 30kisses #4 `our distance and that person'.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: While this is a `what if', I'm trying my best to make it fit in with the canon as a missing scene. Would you believe this whole thing initially came about simply because I was annoyed at Kaname losing her first kiss to Leonard, and wanted it to be Sousuke? Also, I've gone with the subtitles over the English dub for one particular line, as it's more consistent with the fan translation of the novel.

SOUNDTRACK: Within Temptation `The Howling'& `Somewhere'; Evanescence `Missing'; Toad the Wet Sprocket `Dam would break'.

 

*****

 

`I love you as certain dark things are loved;

Secretly, between the shadow and the soul'

Pablo Neruda, Sonnet 17

 

“Any further contact with Kaname Chidori is forbidden.”

 

The words echoed in Sousuke's head as he gripped the edge of the balcony.

 

Never to see again the shining light of her smile - or feel the heat of her rage - or the blazing courage on her face as she confronted danger head-on - or the softness in her gaze as she did some favour for him that no one else would have thought of.

 

He'd once vowed that he'd never make her cry again. Perhaps it was conceited to think that she would do so over his leaving... but no. They had faced so much and come out the other side together, so many times. Hadn't she said it herself, not two hours ago?

 

“Even if I can't trust anyone else, I do trust you.”

 

How could she not be affected by his leaving? He was the only person in the normal life she cherished that knew of her powers as a Whispered. He was the only release valve she had. Besides... they were friends. She was his best friend.

 

He couldn't bear the thought of witnessing her tears. But wasn't imagining her reaction to his complete disappearance worse?

 

The dial tone of the cell phone in his hand brought him out of his contemplation, and he glared out into the night. That bastard Wraith was probably already pointing a parabolic mike towards Kaname's apartment, to make sure he didn't disobey the order. It was possible that no one would mind if he said goodbye to the charge he'd guarded for the last six months... but it was very possible that someone would use it against him in later years - even if just as an excuse to never lift the order against further contact.

 

Besides... there was something he wanted from Kaname. Something he hadn't even realised that he wanted until now. Something he didn't want anyone else to witness.

 

Luckily, he had something on hand to fix that.

 

*****

 

Kaname opened her door to his knock. Before she could give a sign of recognition, Sousuke made two of the emergency hand signals they'd worked out a long time ago - for `surveillance' followed by `directions'. According to the simple code they had engineered, Kaname was to pretend she was giving directions to someone who'd come to the wrong apartment, so as to fool any surveillance. Sousuke had long since memorised all the lines of sight from around Kaname's apartment, and he was in one of the few blind spots that couldn't be observed by someone not directly on the scene.

 

“So you need to take the stairs at the end of the hall...” Kaname chattered as Sousuke slipped her interrupter. The sign he held up told her to wait five minutes and attach the interrupter to the side of the TV. Kaname looked at him meaningfully, and Sousuke realised that she was about to finish. Waiting for her to finish her sentence, he quickly moved over to the stairs.

 

Wraith didn't have the resources for infrared vision; he relied on binoculars and sound. Once the interrupter was triggered, it would send out a radio signal that would distort any sound waves within the entire floor - it wouldn't affect human hearing, but no parabolic mike would have the low-fidelity capabilities to pick up anything. As a bonus, it would also short out any bugs that Wraith had planted in Kaname's apartment - Sousuke had last checked for them only a few days ago.

 

A few minutes later, Sousuke pressed the remote trigger and was knocking at Kaname's door again.

 

Kaname opened it for him, her face tight and anxious. “Sousuke, what's going on? Is someone going to try and kidnap me again?”

 

Sousuke shook his head roughly. Odd. Now that he was here, he wasn't sure how to start.

 

Kaname's eyes narrowed dangerously. “Tell me you didn't do this as some sort of drill?”

 

Sousuke shook his head again, this time in alarm. “No, I would never worry you like that simply for procedure. But I have to talk to you, and I can't let Wraith find out - “

 

“That intelligence agent? What about him?”

 

Sousuke licked his lips, and froze. Even now, he couldn't make himself form the words.

 

“Sousuke?” Kaname asked. She'd shut off all the lights, leaving only the TV on, but she could see Sousuke fairly clearly in the dim light, and his expression was even more set than usual. But something about his face pushed her well past `worried' and sent her inching towards `dread'.

 

“I've been recalled from Tokyo.”

 

The words dropped from his lips like stones.

 

Kaname stared up at Sousuke blankly. What?

 

“You've been given another mission?” she asked, hoping so badly, but Sousuke wouldn't need all this subterfuge for that...

 

“No. My mission in Tokyo has been terminated. Tomorrow I have to pack up the safe house and return to Merida Island for redeployment back to the TDD-1.”

 

“You're leaving me? When did you find out? Who's going to guard me?”

 

“I found the email approximately forty minutes ago. Wraith will be your sole protection,” Sousuke spat. To leave Kaname to the resources of someone who would kill her as soon as protect her, someone who was so inadequate that they stood by and did nothing while she was at gunpoint -

 

“But you don't trust him,” Kaname stated dully. Sousuke hadn't actually said anything to her about Wraith before tonight, but his uneasiness from before spoke volumes. Well, she had to look on the bright side - her life would most likely be a lot calmer without this moody military maniac around... and so boring.

 

“Well, you can write to me, can't you? Do I need some sort of encryption program to read your email?”

 

Sousuke shook his head again. “As of fifteen hundred hours today, any further contact with Kaname Chidori is forbidden,” he said, obviously quoting his orders.

 

Kaname gasped, the shock reverberating through her. “I'm never going to see you again?”

 

No. That COULDN'T happen. For Sousuke to leave her life and never return...?

 

“It is possible that the command will be relaxed in time, once I have truly mastered the Arbalest, but I doubt it. I'm sure Wraith is trying to observe us now - that's why I put on a recording at my apartment, and had you use the transmitter. I - well, I needed to tell you. I couldn't just disappear tomorrow and leave you to wonder what had happened to me - but you can't let anyone realise that you know what's happened to me. You'll need to put on a good performance of confusion.”

 

“Confusion?” Kaname gave a strangled half-snicker. “I won't be pretending, Sousuke, I'm already confused.”

 

Sousuke bit his lip nervously. Now came the really tricky part. “Kaname... I didn't just come here to inform you of my departure.”

 

Kaname's almost-startled eyes met his, sorrow mixing with dread. She would mourn his leaving, after all - he had been right to come here. “What is it, Sousuke?”

 

“I realise that this may seem presumptuous, Kaname... please don't feel obligated to do this unless you truly agree.”

 

“What IS it, Sousuke?” Kaname asked, slightly exasperated. This was hard enough to absorb without Sousuke going all Secret Agent Man on her!

 

“Would you... would you kiss me goodbye?”

 

Kaname gasped, just as the TV fell silent for a moment. Sousuke gulped and pressed on, “I remember you telling me that a girl's first kiss was something very special - I don't know whether yours has been and gone already - you have the right to kiss whoever you want - “

 

Kaname shook her head slowly. “I've never kissed anyone before, Sousuke.”

 

She could see Sousuke's shoulders move in the gloom as he took a deep breath. “Neither have I. At least, I don't think the incident with Mizuki counts - “

 

“It doesn't,” Kaname informed him.

 

“You... you are important to me, Kaname, you are my friend -“

 

“Friend?” Kaname interrupted, giving that painfully strangled version of a laugh again. “I'm not sure what we are exactly, Sousuke, but we're more than friends.”

 

“I agree. It seems... appropriate for this to happen with you. Isn't this the sort of thing people use to say goodbye to those dear to them?”

 

Kaname nodded slowly. This was exactly the sort of situation a `goodbye kiss' had been invented for. She'd wondered more than a few times what kissing Sousuke Sagara would be like, and if this was her only chance... and besides, how could she refuse him something like this?

 

“Yes, Sousuke. I'd be honoured to have you as my first kiss.”

 

Sousuke actually blushed, and Kaname couldn't help a tiny smile. She moved a step closer, bringing their bodies close enough to almost touch, and reached up to place her hands on his shoulders.

 

Sousuke recalled something out of one of the romance novels Kaname had insisted he read after the Social Science Club's flirtation contest, and gently placed his hands on her hips. The firm curves seemed to perfectly fit into the arc of his palms, just like he remembered from a rainy night in the Khanka region. Had he come close to this back then, without even realising it? Without Kurz to interrupt, maybe he and Kaname could have shared this before. “Is this right?”

 

Kaname nodded. “That's perfect.”

 

Sousuke remembered another tip from the books, and tilted his head to the right, even as Kaname's face came closer to his. Their noses still bumped, but it was only for an instant, and then his lips were pressed to hers. Her lips were smooth and very soft, and Sousuke was so very glad he'd worked up the courage to ask for this.

 

It was Kaname who found the nerve to lift up his top lip with her bottom lip, but Sousuke managed to follow her lead by ever so slightly rubbing his tongue against her lips. They opened for him naturally, and Sousuke found that sliding his tongue into Kaname's mouth was even more nerve-wracking than the first time he'd slid into an AS cockpit.

 

Kaname sighed as her tongue instantly responded to Sousuke's, and couldn't help but think that no matter how slow he was at learning about conventional society, Sousuke was an amazingly quick study at kissing. She was so light-headed, she didn't even realise that she had slid her arms around Sousuke's neck until she felt his hard torso pressed tightly against hers. She broke off the kiss to breathe, and found herself gazing into Sousuke's eyes. They were sombre as usual, but even in the dim light she was close enough to see a flickering hunger in them. Kaname took a deep breath as her head spun all over again. Sousuke wanted to kiss her again - he wanted <b>her</b>.

 

And she wanted him. Kaname nodded to herself, and angled her head to kiss him again. This time, she slipped her tongue into Sousuke's mouth, and traced the very tip along the sensitive roof of his mouth. Sousuke groaned, and Kaname felt a rush of heat in her veins at the sound. Sousuke's hands left her hips, sliding up and around her waist, and he pulled her to him tightly. Something in that last kiss had made him snap, and the following kisses were fierce, their tongues now fighting for dominance and Kaname felt her whole body throb.

 

Sousuke lifted his lips from hers, just the minimum distance for taking in air, and Kaname could feel his harsh exhalations against her lips. She could focus on her body, now, and realised with a tiny shock that she was right on the verge of sexual arousal. How could Sousuke do this with just a few kisses?

 

How could she spend the rest of her life without him?

 

How could she ever feel this way with someone else?

 

Kaname didn't usually make major life decisions impulsively, but the rare occasions she acted on pure instinct before had always worked out very well, so she decided to follow them now. It could just be hormones, but she didn't think so. “Sousuke? Will you give me something in return?”

 

“Anything, Kaname.”

 

“Will... would you come to my bed tonight?”

 

Sousuke's heart actually stopped for a moment, at Kaname's husky request. After he'd told Melissa about the romance novels Kaname had made him read, she'd laughed heartily and sent him a package containing books from her own collection - novels that were considerably more detailed in certain areas than Kaname's. He'd finally been given a context that related certain terms and conversations he'd heard to the acts he'd witnessed at various points of his life - and once, nearly been forced to participate in. But was Kaname asking for sexual intercourse, or simply his presence nearby while she slept?

 

“Kaname,” he whispered, “are you asking what I think you're asking?”

 

Kaname looked into his eyes unafraid. “I trust you more than anyone, Sousuke. I want to give you my virginity. I want you to give me yours in return. Will you make love with me?”

 

All Sousuke could do was nod. How could he do anything else? It had taken nearly all his courage simply to ask for a kiss. That Kaname could ask for this... he was already in awe of her in so many ways. This was one more. He pulled Kaname to him for another deep kiss, and released the tight rein he kept on all his primal urges. He could feel himself begin to harden, and knew Kaname could tell. By the way she moaned and pressed her body against his, she didn't seem to mind. When this kiss ended, they were both panting, and Kaname reached behind her back to take his hand in her own. Her eyes were full of need and assurance, and Sousuke shuddered at the realisation - Kaname knew he wanted her, and she was glad. Kaname wanted <b>him</b>.

 

Kaname backed up one step, then two, then tugged on Sousuke's hand, and led him to her bedroom.

 

She'd pulled the floor-length blinds closed after she'd put the interrupter in place, so the bedroom was almost completely dark, but their eyes had already adjusted from the dim light in the main room.

 

“I want to see you,” Kaname murmured to him. “Can I turn on the bedside lamp?”

 

“It should be safe,” Sousuke replied.

 

Kaname blinked in the sudden golden glow, then turned to face Sousuke. He was so stiff and formal as he stood next to her bed. It was reassuring, actually, that he was as nervous about this as she was. But one of the main reasons that Kaname had achieved all that she had in her life was that once she decided to do something, she stayed the course no matter what obstacles were in her way. She had no practical experience in this, but she had a good idea of the theory - and she knew what she wanted.

 

“How many weapons do you have on you, Sousuke?”

 

In answer, he brought out a gun, two clips, and a knife, and piled them on the floor at the foot of the bed.

 

Kaname smiled gently, and quietly walked forward until their bodies were nearly touching, and placed her hands on his upper chest, right up near his shoulders. It felt natural, like her hands belonged on him. “I don't think we've ever really hugged before, Sousuke. Could we start with that?”

 

Sousuke nodded, and wrapped his arms around her waist. Kaname slid her arms up and around his neck, and pressed close to him.

 

Oh.... he felt so good. Strong and solid, like he could and would stay there forever if she just asked. But he was trembling just a little, so Kaname realised it was all right if she did too. “You feel so nice like this, Sousuke... why haven't we done this before?”

 

“Maybe we were both afraid. I was once told that fear is a sign of intelligence, because it means that you understand the risks. Neither of us are the type to do anything by halves, Kaname, but I wasn't ready for this -“

 

“I'm still not,” Kaname confessed quietly. “Maybe we can overcome the fear now, because there's nothing left to lose. Everything we dreaded is happening whether we do this or not.”

 

Sousuke's arms tightened around her, and she could feel him nodding where the side of her head touched his. Kaname closed her eyes, and simply breathed him in. The scent of gun oil and the faint traces of ink from his textbooks, along with something that she could never describe as anything other than Sousuke - something that reminded her of deserts full of hidden life and windswept mountains, of seas in a storm and lightning streaking across the sky.

 

She loved that smell.

 

“How long do we have?”

 

“About an hour,” Sousuke replied. “Wraith will probably become suspicious - I made quite a disturbance earlier tonight, in order to force him to call me and provide some answers.”

 

“Did it do any good?”

 

“It gave me the impetus to come here.”

 

“A lot of good, then,” Kaname told him, as she turned her head and kissed him again. Sousuke's lips nibbled at hers, his tongue flickering and teasing until her head was spinning, and all she could do was cling to him and moan. A slight shift of her weight brought their bodies flush against each other, and she could feel a hard bulge against her lower belly. Kaname inhaled sharply; she hadn't thought Sousuke could be turned on so easily - yes, he was a teenage boy, but he hadn't even blinked at her white bikini last summer, and she'd made a guy run his bike into a light post wearing that thing. She boldly pressed her hips forward, putting pressure on his erection, and Sousuke groaned into her mouth.

 

God, that felt good - the muffled sound made her nipples harden, and the vibrations sent shivers through her bloodstream. Kaname was panting as the kiss ended, and Sousuke wasn't much better.

 

“Maybe we should move things along,” Sousuke suggested, his voice thready.

 

Kaname nodded dumbly. Her fingers tingled like she had pins and needles, and she started to reach out for him, but Sousuke was already taking a step back, his eyes intent on hers. He sat down on the bed, and leaned forward, only breaking their gaze to focus on his feet. Kaname hadn't even noticed that Sousuke hadn't removed his shoes at the entrance as was proper - it made sense that he hadn't wanted to leave any clues to his presence. Kaname watched him hurriedly untie and take off his shoes, followed by his socks, which were neatly rolled into the shoes and tidily placed at the foot of the bed. His intent gaze came back up to lock onto hers as his hands went to the throat of his uniform jacket, and Kaname involuntarily made a noise of protest.

 

“Kaname?”

 

Kaname held out her hands, and Sousuke rose from the bed and came to her. Until his fingers had gone to the jacket fastenings, she hadn't realised how badly she wanted to undress him with her own hands. Eyes locked on his, she gently and efficiently worked the jacket open, and slid it from his shoulders. It landed in a heap next to his shoes, and Kaname fleetingly thought that it was typical, really, of how she messed up his military-neat life. It was good for him, though... would he sink back into his old regimented, armour-dull ways without her in his life? The thought was enough to break her heart - she wasn't kidding when she'd told Sousuke he hadn't adapted to civilian life at all, but he'd made huge strides in dropping the Storm trooper-like persona.

 

Kaname thrust those musings from her mind as she worked on the buttons of his shirt. She was about to go to bed with a handsome and powerfully sexy man who she trusted implicitly; who considered her protection to be a sacred duty. She had far better things to think about.

 

Like Sousuke's bare chest, for example, which was now on display to her fascinated eyes. She'd seen him at the beach last summer, and if she hadn't been so incredibly hurt and annoyed by his utter indifference to her bikini-clad form she would have been hard pressed not to ogle. He was perfectly toned, with the only genuine six-pack she'd ever seen on a teenage boy. She pushed off the shirt to join his jacket, and started to trace the defined muscles with her fingertips, smiling in satisfaction as he shuddered beneath her touch. She kept exploring, placing a flat palm against the star-shaped scar between two of his ribs - that had been the first true wound he'd received in her presence, during the hijacking in Khanka. She'd been so close to kissing him, later that night - she was still annoyed at Kurz for interrupting. If she and Sousuke had kissed then... she wouldn't have regretted it. It might have made things awkward between them for awhile, but it would have been a memory worth treasuring.

 

But the next hour was going to be treasured far more.

 

She placed her other palm over Sousuke's heart, feeling the steady pounding beneath, and smiled.

She leaned down to place a kiss there, and felt his chest heave as he gasped. She knew he could feel her mouth curve against his skin as she smiled again.

 

She lifted her head, with the smile still on her face. It stayed in place at Sousuke's determined expression as he told her, “Quid pro quo, Kaname.”

 

He reached for the hem of her T-shirt, paused, and blushed.

 

“What is it, Sousuke?”

 

“When you were cutting my hair, before... I peeked.”

 

“Peeked?”

 

“You were bent over in front of me, and the neckline to your shirt fell down. I could see the tops of your breasts and I peeked.”

 

Kaname's gentle smile turned feline, as she asked, “And did you enjoy the view?”

 

Sousuke nodded, his blush fading, and she lifted her arms in the air. Sousuke took the unspoken cue and removed her T-shirt, dropping it to the floor next to his own clothing.

 

Standing there in her white satin bra, she asked teasingly, “So what do you think of the view now?”

 

“Even better.”

 

Kaname smiled and reached for his plain, unobtrusive belt buckle. His stomach muscles quivered as she unhooked the belt and undid the button. She took a deep breath, and unzipped his pants. They fell to the floor, and as Kaname stared at the bulge in his briefs, far more visible now, Sousuke kicked them to join the rest of his clothing.

 

“Typical Sousuke,” she observed. “You always have to possess the biggest and best weapons.”

 

The corners of Sousuke's mouth turned up, in his version of a pleased smile. Even naive as he was, he knew that was a compliment. It shouldn't have pleased him so much, really - it had been DNA and mere chance that had given him these attributes. It wasn't like the muscles or strength that he diligently worked to improve and refine. It was why he'd never understood the rare compliments he'd received on his face; that and the fact that those who made said remarks usually had nasty ulterior motives.

 

He reached out to unfasten Kaname's jeans, and a tingle ran down his spine as his knuckles brushed against the warm, smooth skin of her flat stomach. His fingers, so steady on lethal weapons, actually trembled slightly as he opened the buttons of her fly, and pushed the form-fitting denim over her hips.

 

He wasn't remotely surprised that the underwear matched her bra.

 

He placed his hands on her hips, again, and started to move backwards the few steps to the bed. He sat down, but Kaname remained standing for a moment, before placing her hands on his shoulders for balance as she climbed onto his lap, straddling him with a knee either side of him on the bed. The position placed her crotch directly above his, and Sousuke could feel the damp heat of her core through the thin layers of satin and cotton. He couldn't help it; his hips bucked upwards involuntarily, Kaname's eyes danced as she ground down, and he made a sound that he told himself was not a whimper.

 

Kaname grinned, and slipped her arms back around his neck, pressing her torso to his as she kissed him. His hands were on her bare skin, now, and left a trail of delightful prickles along her flesh as he kissed her passionately. She could feel his hands fumbling with the clasp of her bra, and broke off the kiss, leaning just far enough away to murmur, “Let me get that. No one ever manages to unfasten a bra first try. I wore mine for a week before I figured out how to do it without wriggling.”

 

She unhooked her bra with a simple economical movement, tossing it to the side. She grinned again, as she noticed Sousuke's eyes following the way her breasts shifted with her motion. She couldn't blame him, really - at the risk of sounding conceited, she'd always thought she was quite blessed in the bust department. They were firm and rounded, and larger than most Asian women managed - she was the only girl in school that wore a D-cup bra. Her paternal grandmother was an American - she'd met her grandfather when she'd been a Red Cross volunteer to the WWII detention camps for Japanese-Americans - and while her genes had nearly entirely skipped her son, they'd surfaced in her grandchildren, passing on her blond hair to Ayame.

 

Sousuke rubbed her hardened nipples gently, and Kaname gasped in pleasure. His calluses somehow managed to set off sparks, and she could feel her inner muscles convulse, trying to clench upon an invading organ that wasn't there yet. Her head fell back as she gasped, and Sousuke obviously realised that he'd done something good, because he kept going as she moaned and writhed on his lap, until he grabbed her hips firmly, immobilising them.

 

“Kaname, if you keep moving like that... well, things will come to an early conclusion.”

 

Kaname smiled at him as she regained her breath. She had never felt more powerful than in this moment, knowing that she could make this disciplined man lose control.

 

“Then maybe we should get underneath the covers, then.”

 

Sousuke's eyes were gleaming with hunger in a way she'd only glimpsed at before, before he bit his lip nervously. “Kaname, I have been remiss - I don't have any kind of birth control. I wasn't really expecting to need it anytime soon.”

 

Kaname shook her head and smiled gently. “It's okay, Sousuke. While you were in Helmajistan, I had a long talk with Melissa. The pill only works if you take it every day, and if some terrorist group wanted a second-generation Whispered... well, she got me a birth control implant, the same kind that Mithril offers all it's female combat personnel.”

 

Sousuke looked at her admiringly. “I never would have thought of something like that. That was very commendable, Kaname, to understand a place where you were vulnerable and take steps to neutralise as much of the risk as you could.”

 

Kaname smiled back, a little ruefully. This had to be the strangest compliment she'd ever received, and feeling flattered by it was even stranger. But that was life with Sousuke.

 

Needing to distract herself from the thought that life with Sousuke was about to end, she stood up and hooked her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear, sliding them off quickly and kicking them over to the pile of clothing a few steps away. Sousuke stood and followed her example, as she turned down the bedcovers, and climbed into bed. As she turned to face him, she felt a slight chill over her body and found that Sousuke was pulling the bedcovers down to the foot of the bed.

 

His eyes were intent as he told her, “I want to see you too, Kaname. I don't have anything to hide from you.”

 

Kaname nodded, and let her gaze feast on his naked body as he knelt on the bed, his erection bobbing slightly as he lay down beside her.

 

Kaname stared at him in fascination for a long minute, feeling his intent gaze on her own body. Strangely, she was completely comfortable with being exposed to his sight like this. She wasn't nervous at all. Maybe it was because he'd been far more naked to her than this, in the locker room at the TDD-1 when he'd exploded at her. She'd been so hurt by the thought that she was a burden to him that she hadn't realised at the time just how much he'd exposed himself to her, revealing the insecurities and pain behind the ultra-competent facade. A frown ghosted across Kaname's face as she realised she'd never given him the same in return, not really - but then, she'd never been reduced to that level around Sousuke. He protected her so well she hadn't ever been in a position to have her emotions stripped bare since they met.

 

Her eyes dropped to his member, and as her eyes traced along the thick length, studying the way it throbbed faintly under her gaze, it seemed like something very strange. It was a little difficult to believe that it was going to be inside her very soon. She'd had her fantasies and explored her own body, but nothing she'd ever done came anywhere near this. Hell, the last few minutes alone made every adventure Mizuki had told her about look like some cheap movie.

 

Sousuke could actually feel Kaname's gaze on his shaft, and had to clench his fists against the wave of heat that swept through him. He was used to the sensation of his body being set to hair-trigger readiness, but all his hard-won control had been developed in battle situations. He was utterly defenseless here, and he would not have been able to stand this feeling with anyone but Kaname. Despite her lack of combat experience, he trusted her more than anyone else in his life - even the comrades who had saved his life on several occasions.

 

It was that trust which had always let him see her so clearly, even though he didn't always understand what he saw. It let him see the odd detachment that had suddenly appeared in her eyes.

 

“Kaname,” he had to ask one last time, “Are you sure about this?'

 

Kaname lifted her eyes to his, and bit her lip. “No. But I am sure that if I never do this with you, I'll regret it the rest of my life. I want this, Sousuke, and I want you.”

 

She leaned forward a little, then lifted her mouth to his. The quivering need tangled with nerves, then the nerves twined with an ache, focused between her legs. She grabbed his shoulder, then fell onto her back, dragging him half on top of her. Something about the way his weight landed on her, his chest rubbing against her sensitive breasts even as it crushed them, made her desire flare and she couldn't bear to spin this out any longer. She opened her legs in preparation, and dug her nails into his shoulder. “Sousuke, please.”

 

He understood all the things she couldn't articulate - or maybe he was just near the breaking point, too? He braced his upper body on his elbows to give him the needed leverage, and shifted until the full length of his body lay on top of hers. Kaname felt his hips rub against the inside of her thighs, and had to take a deep breath against the sudden rush of adrenaline. Something about this moment, with her and Sousuke in this intimate, ancient position, made her feel incredibly female and very powerful all at the same time, and it made the wet heat between her legs increase and deepen.

 

“Kaname?” Sousuke's voice was soft, and somehow deeper than before. “This isn't the kind of trajectory I'm familiar with - I need you to help me find the right entry angle.”

 

Kaname suppressed a snicker at Sousuke's falling back into military lingo - really, she should have expected it before this - and reached down to gently touch his hard cock, delighting in the groan Sousuke made. She wanted to send him over the edge, and bring him back up again, over and over, until he was helpless beneath her touch. She wanted him to do the same to her. But right now, all she could think of was how much the empty place inside her ached for him, and him alone.

 

She'd heard it would hurt, and in typical Kaname fashion decided to get her own back. As she felt the thick tip ease into her opening, she tilted her head to place her mouth where Sousuke's neck and shoulder joined. She licked at his damp skin, and Sousuke groaned in her ear as his hips snapped forward in reaction. Kaname bit down as he thrust deep inside her, tasting blood at the brief spark of pain.

 

Sousuke couldn't move, frozen between the sheer impact of the moment and the wave of heat that consumed him. He... he was <b>inside</b> Kaname, deep within a hot, slick and so very tight place that felt like it was specifically designed to fit his penis. He could feel a stinging pain at his neck, and for some reason it seemed exactly right. He looked down to see Kaname's eyes gleaming in satisfaction as she licked his blood from her lips, and another man might have been disturbed by just how much the sight aroused him.

 

He dropped his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, pressing his mouth tenderly to hers. “I've never experienced anything like this before, Kaname,” he breathed against her lips. “It feels like-“

 

“You're a part of me,” Kaname finished.

 

Long-buried instincts came to life, and Sousuke carefully moved his hips so he could slide out of her just enough, and pressed forward again, trying to bury himself deeper in her. He repeated the action as it rapidly became second nature, automatically adjusting as Kaname moved beneath him. He wanted this to last as long as possible - he wanted this to last forever - and tried to stave off the peak of his pleasure by leaving her sweet mouth, instead arching his neck so that he could kiss her neck. His lips coursed down her throat to her upper chest, hot against her skin that was damp with need. But it wasn't working; this act was so powerful, so overwhelming that he couldn't hold back his climax any more than he could stop time.

 

Remembering a crucial tactical detail he'd picked up from Melissa's books, he reached down to the place where his body was joined with Kaname's, and found the hard nub that seemed so critical to a woman's pleasure. He rubbed it gently, and for an instant Kaname's core tightened around him. Sousuke groaned, and his free hand groped around until it found Kaname's, their fingers interlocking. He rubbed again, firmly this time, and Kaname cried out as her inner muscles clenched hard around him. He gave a matching cry as he spilled inside her, and their joined hands squeezed tightly.

 

It took awhile to get their breath back, and Sousuke found that he didn't want to leave her body. Doing so would mean going back to being `I' instead of `we' and it would take a minute or so to gather the strength to endure that. So instead he accepted the continuous brush of Kaname's lips against his own, basking in the warmth of the soft, shallow kisses she gave him.

 

Somewhere between kisses, though, he glanced at the chicken-shaped alarm clock on Kaname's bedside table, and his stomach dropped.

 

Kaname immediately sensed the change in his mood, and asked, “What's wrong, Sousuke?”

 

Sousuke gritted his teeth and withdrew from her body, moving to half-lay, half-hover at her side. “I should go,” Sousuke told her, forcing the words past his lips. “The recording in my apartment will run out, soon. I should make myself noticeable to Wraith.”

 

Kaname let out an exhalation not quite big enough to be a sigh, her eyes showing that she accepted the necessity of his actions, though she didn't like the prospect any more than he did. “You can use the shower, if you want,” she offered.

 

Sousuke shook his head. “That will not be necessary.” He didn't tell her that he wanted to keep her scent on his skin for as long as possible. He wanted to wait until the last moment to change into his fatigues; he'd shower then.

 

Kaname watched him solemnly as he gathered his discarded weaponry and dressed. Each button seemed to take a year. The zipper of his pants took an eternity and his hand shook slightly as he drew the small tab up. He could feel Kaname's eyes on his fingers, and he knew they were both excruciatingly aware of what lay underneath the closing steel teeth.

 

He didn't want to leave. Every molecule of his body told him to stay with Kaname; every instinct told him that he should not be standing beside this girl's bed, he should still be buried deep inside her. It took years worth of training to turn around, and all his military discipline to put one foot in front of the other as he walked away.

 

Sousuke stopped by the door, unable to look back or move forward. His mind cast about for something appropriate to say, but he couldn't find anything. Just useless platitudes that Kaname would berate him for, or last-minute advice that even he knew was inappropriate. All that he could offer her was the truth.

 

“If I had a choice, Kaname... I would never leave your side.”

 

Kaname's voice was quiet, but clear.

 

“If I had a choice, Sousuke... there is nothing that would make me happier.”

 

There was nothing more that could be said. Kaname lay back in the bed that had been theirs for just a little while, and breathed in his scent. She was determined not to cry. Sousuke marched through the door and out of Kaname's life forever.

 

*****

 

Less than forty-eight hours later, Kaname was kneeling on a rooftop sobbing in the rain, rubbing her lips raw as she tried to remove the taint of an unwanted kiss, blaspheming what had only been Sousuke's. Why hadn't she realized that she loved Sousuke in time to tell him?

 

At the same time, Sousuke realized that he hadn't just left behind his best friend, but his heart and soul as well, leaving him cold and hollow, and unable to care whether he lived or died.

 

There had to be a way for them to be together again. There had to be.

 

FINI