Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ A Confusing Midday ❯ Cookies, Rumors and Mustang's Butt ( Chapter 4 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. The character of Anne the author is created by her parents and possibly by God according to your religious beliefs.

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A Confusing Midday

Chapter 4: Cookies, Rumors, and Mustang's Butt

A Fullmetal Alchemist Story

by Anne Packrat
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The day was not starting well for the great Flame Alchemist. There were three main reasons that Roy's day was shot before it began.

First off, he had a hangover. That wasn't that big a deal though. He often woke with a hangover and got through them with guts, determination and some aspirin.

Secondly, thanks to several drunken and idiotic mistakes, Roy Mustang was a man without "cookies," and Riza had made it very clear to him that she would not be baking for a week at least. Sure, there were dozens or even hundreds of women who would be more than happy to bake with him, but truth be told, the only woman who interested him anymore was Riza. He knew any other baked goods would pale in comparison to those provided by his girlfriend.

All his thinking of baking brought to mind a particular Sunday when he had woken up to the smell of something in the oven. In the kitchen he'd found Riza licking a spoon slowly and watching him. Her tongue was relentless in reaching every drop of dough it could find. So enthralled with that spectacle was he that it took him a few moments to notice that Riza wore nothing more than an apron and a wicked smile. Oh, that had been quite a day, and damn if his lieutenant did not look incredibly sexy in that apron.

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. Great he had to think of *that.* Now his lust for "cookies" was getting into desperate territory.

The third thing that was worrying him was his plan to get Fullmetal and Winry together, or the lack thereof. Oh, he had come up with a plan all right, but since it involved a case of tequila, two trained tigers, a stalled car and twenty coconuts it wasn't exactly feasible.

Roy rubbed his temple. "I have got to stop making plans while drunk," he muttered, "Or at least I've got to stop making stupid plans while drunk."

Still he owed the kid, and this was the best way he could think of to pay his debt. It was obvious to everyone that Fullmetal and Winry liked each other. Well, obvious to everyone but the two teens in question. "Probably about as obvious as the sexual tension between Riza and I," he thought ruefully, "But it still took Havoc to point it out to us."

He stood and went over the window. The glass felt cool beneath his fingertips and he scanned the overcast skies hoping he'd find an answer. Surprisingly, one popped into his head. "Of course!" he said lightly slapping the window, "It's so simple! I just need the right person to help."

With one of his problems now on its way to being solved, Roy's mood lightened considerably. "Guess I'll be the one playing Havoc for Fullmetal and Winry," he said.

He hesitated then added, "But I'm not going to be taking up smoking."

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An anxious and automail-wearing alchemist ambled among another authoritative alchemist's assistants.

And said assistants were not happy to have the young alchemist interrupting their work (in Fuery's case), sleep (in Breda's case) or card game (in Falman and Havoc's cases).

"Ed, sir, don't you think you should be checking in with the colonel?" Fuery said, getting slightly annoyed by the boy's continued pacing. The elder Elric stopped in the middle of the room and gave the door a nervous glance then continued pacing again.

"Brother," Al said, his tone one of worry, "Are you okay?"

It was a given that Ed didn't like checking in with his commanding officer, but usually he wasn't scared of doing so. Today, however, he desperately wished to not have a repeat of yesterday's briefing, if only to avoid seeing Mustang's ass again.

He looked at his brother then let his eyes go to Havoc, who if anything, seemed amused by the young man's obvious discomfort.

"He's not..... busy is he?" Ed asked the smoker.

Havoc shrugged. "I don't know," he answered, grinning, "His door's been closed for a while now."

This didn't appease the boy's unrest. If anything, it made it worse. Ed began pacing again.

Yawning Breda scratched his chin. "When did Lieutenant Hawkeye say she was getting back from the shooting range?"

Ed stopped in his tracks and slapped his palms on Breda's desk and leaned in toward the portly lieutenant's face. "Did you just say that Hawkeye is at the shooting range?" he asked carefully.

Surprised, Breda leaned away from the sudden intrusion in his personal space. He nodded. "Uh, yeah, she left for the range about an hour ago."

Relief flooding his features, Ed pulled back. "Thank god." He whirled and entered the colonel's office. Al followed and closed the door behind him.

Breda blinked in confusion then looked over at Havoc. "What the hell was that about?"

The tall blond popped a cigarette in his mouth. "No idea, buddy." He smiled serenely. "No idea."

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Roy looked up at the sound of the door opening. "Ah, Fullmetal, you're late. Are you too small to see the alarm clock?"

"Shove it, Mustang," Ed growled as he stopped in front of the colonel's desk, his brother just behind him. "I wanted to be sure I wouldn't see you and Hawkeye abusing your desk."

Rolling his eyes, Roy replied, "You're just upset that you're not getting any from that hot little mechanic of yours."

Ed clenched his fist and glared at Mustang. "Leave Winry out of this!" he yelled.

Roy smirked. "Oh, did I hit a nerve, brat?"

Crossing his arms and looking away, Ed replied, "It's just inappropriate to talk or think about her that way."

"You certainly were thinking inappropriate thoughts about her yesterday," Al muttered under his non-existent breath.

The armor ended up on the receiving end of a glare from the older Elric. "What was that, Al?" Ed hissed at his brother.

Quickly waving his hands in the air in front of him, Al answered nervously, "Nothing, brother!"

"And it better stay that way," Ed whispered fiercely. He turned back toward his commanding officer, "Yeah anyway, I'm late because I didn't want to risk seeing the same disgusting scene I saw yesterday."

"Exactly what did you see yesterday, Fullmetal?" said a new deep voice from the door.

Roy's eyes snapped to the new arrival. He quickly took in the eyepatch and benevolently smiling face, and saluted. "Fuhrer Bradley, sir!" The younger state alchemist didn't follow suit. Instead he stared at the fuhrer with his mouth hanging open.

Al poked his brother in the back. "Salute, brother!"

Ed looked at him in confusion. "What? Oh, right." He quickly echoed his commander's salute.

The fuhrer entered and paused in front of the three younger men. Two stern looking assistants followed behind him. Bradley held up a hand. "At ease, gentlemen." His glance took in both Ed and Roy as he spoke. "You both seem well, and your mission reports have been surprisingly punctual as of late. Keep it up."

His gaze traveled upwards to the armor behind Ed. "And young Mr. Elric is here as well! How are you doing?" He smiled warmly at the boy. "Is it just me or have you gotten taller?"

Rubbing his hands together, Al laughed nervously. "I-I'm not sure, sir," the boy answered, "M-maybe I have." He silently thanked Mustang when he drew Bradley's attention away.

"Sir, to what do we owe the honor of your presence?" the colonel said, his pose every inch that of a perfect soldier. Al was impressed that nothing in Mustang's appearance betrayed the tight knots of tension he knew must lie in the colonel's gut.

The fuhrer gazed at Mustang, his smile fading into a slight frown. "I'm here because I wanted to personally address a matter that concerns you, colonel."

Mustang blinked in surprise, but otherwise betrayed no outward signs of shock. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the fuhrer holding up a hand and addressing Edward. "But first I would like to know what you saw in here yesterday that disgusted you so much, Fullmetal."

His eyes widening, the elder Elric's eyes worriedly moved from the fuhrer to the colonel and back again. "I saw..." he began then stopped.

Silence flowed in and stretched to what seemed an interminable length. Mustang stared at his subordinate during the endless moments, his expression unreadable.

"Don't worry about getting in trouble, Fullmetal," the fuhrer said, his soft voice sounding like a shotgun blast in the silence, "Just tell me what you saw."

Al squeezed his hands together and stared at his brother. His brother had no great love for the colonel true, but that didn't mean he'd betray the man. His hatred couldn't possibly run that deep, could it? Al silently pleaded with his brother to do the right thing.

"I came in and saw..." The blond boy clenched his fist and stared at the floor. His voice was tight and his face was filled with revulsion. He took a deep breath and continued. "I... I came in and saw the colonel here at his desk..." He swallowed hard, then looked up at the fuhrer with renewed resolve. "He- the colonel, was, well, picking his nose."

Al's hands unclenched and out of the corner of his eye he saw colonel's jaw drop. "Brother, you're a genius!" he thought proudly. He hesitated then added, "A twisted insane genius, but a genius nonetheless."

An expression of bemused surprise appeared on the fuhrer's face. "You saw Colonel Mustang er, excavating his nasal cavity?"

The boy nodded. His eyes now downcast. "Yes, sir."

Bradley fixed a stern glare on the older alchemist behind the desk. "Mustang!"

Roy snapped to attention. "Sir!"

The fuhrer's one eye bore down on Mustang, but it's menace was belied by the slight smile on the man's lips. "Picking your nose is an absolutely filthy habit, and you are never again to do it while you are on military property! Do I make myself clear?"

The colonel flushed white, but he maintained his salute. "Yes, sir, I will not let it happen again, sir!"

Al glanced at his brother and caught the boy's mouth quirk upward in a quick smile before disappearing completely under the guise of a grimace. Ed was obviously enjoying his commanding officer's humiliation.

Bradley turned back toward Edward. "Are you satisfied now, Fullmetal?"

Ed nodded, trying his damnedest not to grin evilly, "Yes, sir, I am."

"At ease, Mustang," the fuhrer said, watching the younger officer drop his hand, "Now that that's settled, I would like to address the matter I originally came about. I've been hearing certain rumors about you being involved romantically with one of your subordinates, colonel. I came here to find out the truth for myself."

Al stifled a gasp, and beside him his brother stiffened.

Mustang's face hardened, and his voice was toneless when he spoke. "Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about."

The fuhrer quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? The rumors have been quite specific. They go into quite a bit of detail into certain acts you're supposed to be doing with this person."

Al's hands reached behind his back and grabbed his plume, nervously running his hands over it. Ed's eyes were wide as he watched the two powerful men face off in front of him.

Unflinching despite the fuhrer's piercing one-eyed gaze, Mustang's voice was firm. "Any rumors you have heard, sir, are, untrue, baseless and perpetuated by idle people who have nothing better to do then gossip like a pack of housewives."

Bradley regarded the man before him levelly. "You will swear then that you are not having a romantic relationship with Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc?"

Al's hands froze and dropped the plume in shock. Beside him he saw his brother stagger slightly and shake his head as if to clear it. The younger Elric understood his brother's reaction; he felt it too. He briefly wondered if he wasn't getting vertigo from all the emotional ups and downs of this conversation.

Roy's eyes widened and his mask cracked. He stared dumbfounded at the officer in front of him. "Fuh-Fuhrer Bradley, I can assure you that I have never, nor will I ever, have any romantic relationship with Lieutenant Havoc! I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with any man at all!"

The fuhrer stared at him a moment more, seemingly measuring the worth of the colonel's words in his mind. Then he laughed. "That's what I thought, Mustang! There's no way the greatest ladies man in Central would suddenly switch sides and jeopardize his career by becoming involved with a male subordinate."

Mustang allowed himself a brief answering smile. "I'm glad you understand that those rumors have no basis in truth, sir."

The fuhrer smiled warmly. "Don't worry, colonel. I'm well aware of the truth."

He looked over at the boys then his gaze settled on Mustang. "Now that that's resolved, I suppose I should let you get back to your meeting. Good day, Colonel, Fullmetal," he nodded at the two soldiers then met the eyes of Alphonse. "Mr. Elric."

Al's eyes widened almost imperceptibly as his gaze met the fuhrer's. The fuhrer's mouth turned down by the smallest margin and Al knew the older man had noted his shock. Then the man had turned to the door and the moment was over.

He watched in confusion and worry as the fuhrer left, his assistants closing the door behind him. So preoccupied was the younger Elric, that he barely registered the familiar sound of an argument starting between Roy and his brother. No, he had bigger things on his mind. He couldn't possibly have seen what he thought he did. It was probably nothing, just him being paranoid. Still....

He gave the door another nervous glance. Why hadn't he noticed it before?

In the few times Al had met the fuhrer before, the man had come across as pleasant and jovial, always with a ready smile on his face...

But that smile wasn't reflected in the man's one good eye.

Instead that eye was hard as steel, glinting with a cold hard light that declared it was measuring everything about the viewer, and each time found him or her lacking. Could that icy calculating glare really belong to the benign always-smiling fuhrer?

"I'm well aware of the truth." The fuhrer's words echoed in his head. He had heard no malice in tone with which the those words were spoken, only an undercurrent of amusement and strangely, confidence.

Al shook his head. No, he must be wrong. Maybe some of his brother's paranoia was rubbing off on him. The fuhrer had a whole country to run, why would he mean harm to a small group of soldiers and a civilian?

Satisfied that he was mistaken, Al turned with a sigh to the more pressing but familiar task of intervening between his brother and Roy Mustang before they came to blows.

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Author's Indulgence

Anne was not surprised to find a young blonde mechanic at her door. Winry entered the house and crossed her arms. She gave the author an annoyed stare. "All right, why did you call me?"

Closing the door, Anne ran a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, but I promised the readers you'd appear in this chapter, but I was taking too long to finish the scenes before your entrance so..."

The teen rolled her eyes. "So you're sticking me in the Author's Notes as a copout?"

The author stared at the floor and nodded unhappily.

Winry sighed and rubbed her temple. "All right, fine. Just give me the damn thing to read all ready."

Wordlessly, Anne handed over a sheet of paper, which the mechanic scanned quickly. "Yadda yadda, thanks to the cast, crew creators of Fullmetal Alchemist, your husband Ryan, those who leave feedback and review and the readers themselves."

She looked up at the woman in front of her. "This is pretty standard stuff isn't it?" Anne shrugged.

Winry continued. "This chapter didn't go as planned, but the scene with the fuhrer became necessary to hint at future turns this story or a possible sequel might take."
She looked back up at Anne. "A sequel?"

The author nodded. "Yeah, I'm not too sure about it yet. I have trouble with overly long projects, but I do have a few ideas I could use for a sequel. It'll likely be titled Ominous Afternoons or something along those lines."

The girl frowned. "Cheesy title. Anyway...." She went back to reading the paper. "If you want more smut from me, I've written a sweet Al x Paninya fic called 'The Right Fit', an odd Lust x Falman called "The Right Words," and a more WTF smut fic called 'A Cure for Boredom' that's Envy x Pinako.... Hey, wait a minute! Paninya and Falman get smut before I do? Hell, even my own grandmother gets more action then me!"

Anne laughed nervously. "Heh, well, you are with Edward in 'The Right Fit,' but you don't get any explicit sex scenes." Winry frowned more and reached toward her toolbelt. Alarmed Anne grabbed her hand to prevent it from getting a wrench. "Don't worry! I've decided to write you some smut with Edward later on in this story!"

Winry relaxed and actually smiled at this. "Well, I suppose I can deal with that." The author stepped back and dropped the mechanic's hand. Winry continued. "..The story is going to take a bit more serious tone in the next few chapters, but there will still be some humor and, of course, some Ed x Winry, Royai smut." The mechanic gave a quick thumbs up at this. "Just don't expect the silliness level to be as high as in the first few chapters. And finally I apologize for not actually fitting Winry into this chapter like I promised. She will make it fully into the next chapter."

Handing the paper back to Anne, the girl put her hands on her hips. "Okay, that's done. Do you need anything else?"

The author considered. "Yeah, actually. Can you have Ed ask Mustang to come get Havoc?"

Winry's eyes widened in surprise. "Havoc's here?" She looked around the living room behind Anne. "Where is he?"

Anne sighed. "Yeah, he came to read the Author's Notes for 'Lonely Mornings' and hasn't left yet. He's been holed up in the guest bedroom with the laptop ever since he discovered adultfanfiction dot net's Yuri section."

The mechanic rolled her eyes. "Men!"

The author nodded sympathetically. "Trust me, I know."

"All right, well, I'll be sure Mustang knows about his wayward horny subordinate." She hesitated, "Or maybe I'll have Ed tell Lieutenant Hawkeye instead."

Anne considered. "Yeah, that's probably a better idea."

Winry reached for the door. "I'd better get going. Just you make sure to write me good smut!"

"Oh, I will!" Anne replied, "Thank you so much for today, you're a lifesaver."

The mechanic sighed. "I wish Ed thought that."

The older woman patted her on the back and smiled knowingly. "Trust me, he does."

Winry regarded the author. "Yeah, I guess you would know." She opened the door and waved. "See you around."

"Bye!" the author said, "And thanks for reading!"

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Anne Packrat (October 24, 2006)