Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ A Confusing Midday ❯ Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands ( Chapter 3 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and is distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. Todd the bartender is my own minor creation.

Warning: Contains sexual situations and dialogue. Profanity abounds.

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A Confusing Midday:
Chapter 3 - Taking Matters into Their Own Hands
A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic

by Anne Packrat

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Something unusual was happening in The Doghouse Tavern off Minsky Avenue. Colonel Roy Mustang and Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc were getting drunk.

Well, okay, maybe before it wouldn't be an odd occurrence, but since both men had found steady girlfriends their "time sloshed" had dropped to an all time low. Havoc had found that spending time with his girlfriend Sciezka was more enjoyable than alcohol.

As for Roy, well, he had once showed up at Riza Hawkeye's doorstep plastered. His gun-toting lieutenant girlfriend soon showed him the error of his ways. Since then he'd kept his drinking to a more manageable level (well, manageable for Roy Mustang at least, for anyone else it'd likely lead to alcohol poisoning).

"Ya kno wha we need ta do?" Roy said, his words tilting to the left.

"Un...?" Havoc answered, the thought processes to form a coherent reply too difficult for him to manage at the moment.

"We- we need ta get Fu'metuhl a signi'can-, a si'fni'ant," he paused, his mind currently unable to make the mouth say the words he wanted. "He nee's a girl," he said firmly.

Havoc nodded quickly, the motion almost carrying him off his stool. "Yeh, bu' not Haw'eye or Chezka cuz...." his brow furrowed while his mind worked. "Cuz they got men alrea'y!" he finished triumphantly.

Alcohol fueled inspiration filled Roy's head. "Hey, we should fix Fu'Met'l up!"

Havoc was trying to figure out what Roy out of the three in front of him was the one speaking. "Thas- Thas a goo' idea, Col'nel Two! Or are ya Col'nel One?"

Roy tried to lay his head in his hand and think. Too bad he missed and banged his chin on the edge of the bar. "Stu'id bar keeps movin," he muttered. His second try proved more successful and the colonel was now in the proper thinking position. "Where we gonna ge' a girl though?"

The smoker gave a big grin to all three colonels in front of him. "Le's get one wit' big tits!"

Smiling wistfully, Roy replied, "Yeah... I like big tits!"

"Me too!" the smoker chorused raising his beer stein in a toast to all three colonels. "To big titties!" He giggled and put his glass down on the bar, not seeming to care that no one else joined in his celebration.

Roy frowned. "But wha girl? She should be clos' to Fu'Met'l's age."

"But wit' big bazooms!" Havoc said, very insistent about this requirement.

Nodding Roy said, "Yeah, big breasts too."

Havoc decided to look at Colonel Three for the moment, "Wha 'bout his mechanic? 'Er rack ain' bad."

The colonel considered. "Yeah, she's good. Wuz 'er name? Winery? Willy?"

Havoc giggled. Yes giggled. Giggling was something drunk Havoc often did. "Ain' Willy th' guy works in th' bakery a block 'way?"

Roy took a moment to think on this. "Thin he'd go for Fu'met'l?

Shaking his head Havoc giggled yet again. "Nah, Ed ain' into men." He pondered for a moment. "'Sides Willy ain' got tits."

"Damn, 'kay, wha 'bout that mechanic girl of Fu'Met'l's? Wuz 'er name?"

Deciding his attention needed to be on Colonel Two, Havoc gave him a watery glare. "Don' go stealin my ideas." He thought for a moment. "Ain' 'er name Winry Rockabell?"

"Thas it! It's Winly!" Roy said, briefly wondering at the small fear that welled up in him at that name. He shrugged and stopped thinking about it.

The smoker shook his head. "Nah, iz Winry."

Roy shrugged. "Wha'ever." He raised his glass high and encouraged Havoc to do the same. "To Fu'Met'l and Win Lee!"

"Ed 'n Winry!" Havoc echoed. Their glasses clinked together with more force then either intended, spilling much of the beer on the men.

Many drinkers will tell you that wasting beer like the Colonel and his subordinate just did is a sin. Of course, so is making elaborate plans while one is fall down flat out drunk.

That never stopped them before, and they'd be damned if it would stop them now.

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The halls of Central Headquarters echoed with a very familiar sound: the angry footsteps of one Edward Elric.

Mr. Fullmetal was on his way to his required daily check-in with his commanding officer. It was a formality he hated, but with the great power of a state alchemist, also came a great responsibility:

Occasionally having to put up with Colonel Bastard.

But the check-in was one annoyance Ed had learned to accept as necessary, and it did little more than irritate him anymore. No today's anger was directed for the second day in a row towards his brother.

"For the hundredth time I'm sorry, brother!" Al pleaded, his hands together in a gesture of remorse.

Ed scowled. "Yeah, yeah. Just answer me this... Why didn't you knock?"

"When you didn't answer I thought you still asleep, so I didn't want to chance waking you up," Al explained.

"Being woken up would have been better!" the elder Elric growled.

Sensing that the current track wasn't working, the armored Elric decided a new approach was needed. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about, brother. It's perfectly normal for boys our age to have urges to explore their bodies-"

"SHUT UP!" Ed yelled, his face turning beet red from the curious looks he was getting from passing soldiers.

He jumped and clasped his hand over his younger sibling's mouth. This, of course, was a futile gesture, but it did serve to derail Al's train of thought. Ed pulled his brother into an empty side corridor and then into a squatting position.

"First off," Ed growled, "You are never to talk about 'my urges' and me 'exploring my body' in that context ever again." He sighed and sat down next to his brother. "Second, I know it's 'normal' and all, but that doesn't mean that it's not embarrassing to have your little brother walk in on you doing it."

Al traced a random pattern on the floor with one metal finger. "I'm sorry, brother."

Normal color finally returning to his face, Ed put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "It's okay, Al, just knock next time okay?"

The younger boy nodded. "Yes, brother."

Suddenly Ed snorted and grinned. "Hey, since you learned your lesson about knocking first maybe you'll get a cookie from Hawkeye too!"

Al's finger stopped drawing on the floor tile as he considered how to phrase his next sentence. "Uh, brother, about those cookies Ms. Hawkeye gives you...."

"Oh, they're really good." Ed smiled at his brother, "I'm sure Hawkeye will make you some once you get your body back!"

"But, brother...." Al's protest trailed away as he saw his brother's open, trusting face, "Uh, yeah, I'll look forward to it..."

Ed stood and stretched. "So we're good now, right?" He frowned when he didn't get an answer. "Al, is something else wrong?" Al pulled his helm's long trailing plume over his shoulder and ran his fingers over it lightly.

Ed groaned inwardly when he saw his brother's actions. He knew this meant Al was trying to get up the courage to ask him something he wouldn't like. The metal limbed alchemist had a feeling that it was something relating to his actions earlier that morning and the feelings arising from it. Yes, he wanted to do his best to describe things to Al (since he couldn't experience them for himself at the moment), but dammit there were limits!

"Brother," Al asked, twisting the plume in his hands. "Can- Can I ask you a question?"

"Oh god, here it comes...." Ed thought worriedly. Out loud he said, "Okay, go ahead."

Al loosened his grip on the plume, smoothing it out with his fingers. "I went with you to return the magazines Lieutenant Havoc lent us..."

The elder Elric blinked in surprise. What was his brother getting at? "Yeah, so?"

The younger boy finally let the plume go and began rubbing his hands back and forth on his knees. He took a nonexistent deep breath and continued quickly, his words all in a heap. "So I wanted to know what you were using for inspiration while you were doing it since you didn't have the dirty magazines anymore."

Ed's jaw dropped. Color returned to his face in full force. "AL!" he cried then quickly lowered his voice so he wouldn't attract attention. "That," he hissed, "is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

Al stilled his hands. "Oh, okay." He hesitated then asked, "Brother, can I ask you another question?"

Convinced that he was insane for agreeing to another likely-to-be-incredibly-uncomfortable query (that was sure to be on topics he in no way shape or form wished to discuss with his little brother of all people), the blushing boy nodded.

Had Ed been paying more attention he might have heard the undercurrent of mischief in his brother's voice. "When you were doing that 'thing' this morning," Al said looking up at his brother, "Why were you moaning Winry's name?"

Ed's eyes went wide and his face got so red that he wouldn't have been surprised if it was permanently stained that color. His jaw worked but no sound came. Eventually he was able to croak out, "I- I was?"

Al didn't answer at first. He stood and then looked back. Had he been able to, Al would have been grinning like a madman. "Just kidding, brother." Then the boy ran off down the hallway, knowing his fiery tempered sibling would soon be in hot pursuit.

It took a moment for Al's words to sink in, but once they did Ed clenched his fists and took off after his brother. "ALPHONSE FRANCIS ELRIC!" he yelled, "YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

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First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was not having a good day. She stomped through the corridors of Central (quite like a certain red-coated alchemist had just a bit earlier). The cause of her anger came from its usual source: Colonel Roy Mustang. Though in this case Jean Havoc also had a hand in it.

Her anger stemmed from the night before, when her friend Todd, the bartender at The Doghouse Tavern on Minsky Avenue, called and told her to come pick up two "packages". Two drunk, passed out (and in the case of the tall blond one - drooling) packages, that had missed Last Call and needed to be evacuated from the bar.

So with Todd's help she bundled both men into her car. After wrapping him up in his coat (which he promptly began to drool on), she left the Havoc package lying across his doorstep. She then dropped Todd off back at the bar, and took her own package home.

She seriously considered leaving Mustang to sleep it off outside, but her heart rebelled and eventually she dragged him inside and on the couch. Then she stumbled into her own bed and cursed when the clock reminded her she only had three hours before it was time to go to work.

She'd woken up at the usual time, and roughly shook Roy awake. He had made a stumbling run to the bathroom, where he deeply regretted having the curry for dinner the night before, (it didn't taste any better coming up then it had going down). Unbelievably, he then tried to convince Riza he needed some "morning milk and cookies" but was quickly disabused of the notion by several bullets precisely aimed to hit an inch from his crotch.

Riza then informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he would not be "having cookies" for a very long time, and in fact, would not even be allowed near the cookie jar unless he really wanted to resemble Swiss Cheese.

So after being roused in the middle of the night to take care of her drunk boyfriend and friend, dealing with the rigors of said boyfriend's massive hangover, and then having to put up with the usual antics of the office on top of it all...

Well, let's just say that Riza was not a happy camper. And her day was not set to get better any time soon...

Being occupied in her thoughts, she couldn't avoid the massive speeding object that collided with her and knocked her onto the floor. As she blinked and tried to figure out just why she now had a good view of the ceiling, a familiar looking helm entered her field of vision.

"Lieutenant!" Al said, his voice radiating concern, "Are you hurt?"

She sat up just in time to see the other Elric come gallivanting around the corner, red coat flying out behind him. He spotted the fallen woman and tried to slow down. It wasn't enough though as he barreled into his brother, leaving a tangled mass of metal and Elrics in the middle of the hallway. Someone in the pile, (presumably Ed) groaned.

After a moment spent taking stock of herself, and finding nothing beyond a few bruises, Riza got to her feet and began extricating the two brothers from each other. "Are you two okay?" she asked, helping Al remove his brother's arm from his chest cavity.

"I think so...." Al said.

"Yeah...." Ed said a second after.

Once the boys were separated and kneeling side by side looking very sheepish, Hawkeye took a step back and gave them a piercing look. "Haven't I told you two not to run in the hall?"

"Yes, ma'am," they said together, both looking down in chagrin.

Riza successfully resisted the urge to wag her finger at them, but still continued her scolding. "And now do you see why we have that rule?"

"Yes, ma'am," the brothers chorused.

"And are you going to do it again?"

"No, ma'am," they said while shaking their heads hurriedly, Al's helm rattling as he did so.

"Good," Hawkeye said. She held out a hand to each brother and helped them to their feet. "Now what started all this?" She quirked a curious eyebrow at Ed's sudden fierce blush.

"Uh- It's my fault!" Al said, bringing her attention away from his brother and onto him, "I was teasing brother, and uh, I mentioned the s-word...."

Hawkeye's lips quirked in a half smile at the younger boy's explanation. "Oh?" she said, her eyes gaining a glint of amusement, "Was it the s-word that rhymes with ball or the s-word that rhymes with court?"

"Hey!" Ed cried, "I am neither of those s-words!"

Taking in the teen's anger without batting so much as an eyelash, Hawkeye replied smoothly, "Of course, Edward. I would never use those words to describe you. In fact, I think the best word to describe you would be 'Lilliputian'."

Ed frowned in confusion, but any response he may have made was forestalled by Hawkeye continuing.

"It's good that I ran into you boys," Hawkeye said giving Al a stern look, "Though I had hoped to not run into you so literally, Alphonse."

Al put his hand behind his head and laughed nervously.

Hawkeye carried on, "I have a proposal for you, Alphonse, and I'd like to discuss it with you and your brother over lunch. Will you both be free?"

Blinking back surprise, Ed looked at his brother then at Hawkeye, "Uh, yeah, we can be. I just have to meet with Colonel Von Firebug, then we were going to head over to the library to do research."

Hawkeye considered. "All right. I'll meet you both in the cafeteria at one then, okay?" Both boys nodded. "Good. Now I have to go get some files for the colonel. I'll see you two later." She waved and then hurried off down the hall.

After watching the lieutenant round the corner, Al turned to Ed. "Uh, brother?" he asked carefully, "Do you know what Lilliputian means?"

Ed's gave his brother a puzzled look. "Well, no not really. I like the sound of it though."

Al's had to resist the urge to play with his plume. "Er, you do?"

Ed grinned. "Yeah, I do. Sounds pretty high class and sophisticated to me." His eyes suddenly narrowed. "Doesn't it?"

Al waved his hands in front of him. "No, no, it's a good word. Nothing wrong with it."

Grinning again, Ed jerked his thumb toward the door to Mustang's office. "Okay. Let's get this check-in over with, so we can go get waste deep in alchemy texts." He turned and headed for the door.

"Right, brother," Al replied worriedly. He'd have to remember to hide his copy of "Gulliver's Travels" when they got home.

Al loved his brother dearly, but sometimes he lamented the fact that Ed's tolerance for height jokes was positively... Lilliputian.

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Author's Notes

Oh Mac Thesaurus Widget. How I love thee.

Sorry for the length of time this took. I was hoping to make this longer and get in certain scenes, but they didn't want to come. Next chapter is going to be difficult for me, as I'm not sure how to realistically do one of the scenes yet.

Expo was great fun, if you saw me there (Black Hayate cosplayer twas me) then drop a line. I was at Ikasucon too as Hawkeye and Black Hayate.

If you desperately want smut from me then you can read the Lust x Falman oneshot I wrote for the fma fuhq Livejournal community. I can't put it here though due to the restrictions on this site. You can find it at adultfanfiction dot net or mediaminer dot org. I use this same author name on both. The fic is called "The Right Words." I'm writing an Al x Paninya fic next.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.
-Thanks to my husband who knows enough to be extra nice to me this particular time of the month.
-Thanks to my unsuspecting guinea pigs for the first scene, including "snakecharmerfox" and "havocmangawip" and some others I forget but thank as well.
-Thanks to everyone who leaves feedback or reviews. I greatly appreciate it.
-And thanks to you for reading.

Next time: Roy realizes that if wants Riza's "cookies" any time soon then he'd better apologize toot sweet. And just what does Hawkeye want to discuss with the Elrics? Oh and a certain blonde mechanic makes her first appearance, and she's not happy...

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Anne Packrat (August 15, 2006)