Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ A Confusing Midday ❯ The Birds and the Bees According to Colonel Pyro ( Chapter 2 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

(Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist was created by Hiromu Arakawa, and is distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation, and Viz.)

Warning: This story contains sexual situations and language. Profanity abounds.

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A Confusing Midday
Chapter 2: The Birds and Bees According to Colonel Pyro
A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

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For many people, being trapped in a room with a naked recently aroused man and woman and an unconscious cute blonde boy would lead them to think of naughty thoughts, or perhaps ones that are more perverted in nature.

Havoc's thoughts were more on surviving the bullets and flames he knew would be coming after him very shortly.

"Uh..." he said. Shock and fear conspired to stop coherent thought. "Uh..."

"Havoc!" yelled an embarrassed and naked Riza Hawkeye, "Get out of here!"

His brain having found the hamster and returned it to its wheel, Havoc blinked. "Right, sorry," he said as he dragged Ed Elric's unconscious form out into the outer office, shutting the door behind him.

He sat with his back against the door, trembling. Images of himself, charred and full of holes, haunted his mind. He silently apologized to Sciezka for dying so young and leaving her all alone in the world.

Suddenly the door opened, leaving his back without any support. He fell backwards, his head landing harshly on the ugly brown carpet the army favored. His upside down gaze took in his hastily dressed and angry superior officers. "Uh, hi..." he ventured.

Roy knelt and hit him on the head. "Some fucking lookout you are!"

He gulped and quickly scrambled to a sitting position. "Uh, yeah, chief, about that... I'm really sorry...." He pointed suddenly at Ed. "But the kid threatened to use alchemy to get in! I couldn't stop him!"

Riza came up behind her boyfriend and glared at the blond lieutenant. "Then why...." she hissed, her eyes narrowing in anger, "Didn't you knock and announce him?"

Havoc froze, pinned to the wall by the force of her gaze. Why the hell hadn't he knocked? That would have been the smart thing to do after all. But like a fool it hadn't ever occurred to him. His voice was laden with fear and shame when he answered, "I... I didn't think about it." He hung his head. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot."

"Well, at least you admit it," Riza said, her anger abating a little. She sighed and put her hand on the colonel's shoulder to draw his attention. "The damage is done, Roy. We just have to explain it to Edward as best we can."

Roy stood using her hand for support. She squeezed it reassuringly. "I guess you're right, Riza," Roy said before turning his attention to Havoc. "Put beanboy over there on the couch. He should be waking up soon."

Havoc hefted the unconscious boy and laid him down on the black leather couch. Riza went over and checked him over briefly. She sighed in relief. "Looks like he wasn't hurt when he fell."

Roy smiled. "I didn't think he would be. Kid's real hardheaded. One of his more annoying qualities I always thought." He watched Havoc and Riza exchange knowing glances. "What?"

"Nothing. Just wondering whether you're the pot or the kettle..." she said wryly.

Confused Roy stared at her questioningly, then blinked and shrugged. "Anyway...." His gaze flickered over to Ed, and he ran his hand through his hair nervously. "I don't have to explain everything to shortbread do I? I mean, at his age he should know at least know how the basic process goes, right?"

A shadow of his customary grin appeared on Havoc's face (it was slow to return after the earlier brush with death had chased it off). "Don't worry, chief. I got it covered."

The colonel raised an eyebrow. "You, Havoc? No offense, but I don't think you should be giving sex advice to anyone, let alone a kid."

The tall blond shrugged. "Too late. Ed and his brother came and asked me about it a few months ago. I gave them some tips and lent Ed some of my magazines."

"Oh god..." Roy said, covering his face with his hand.

Frowning Havoc replied, "Hey, why are you so worried? They got the gist of it. Ed even thanked me afterward. Al seemed to be almost blushing the entire time though."

Riza gave a snort of laughter, drawing the men's attention to her. "Yeah, right. Then why did the boys come to me afterward in order to clarify things?"

Roy's eyes widened as he stared in surprise at his girlfriend. "You talked to the Elrics about sex too?"

She nodded. Meeting her eyes, he noticed the challenging light in them. "Is that a problem?" she said archly.

Mustang opened his mouth to protest, but paused. He then remembered that Riza's friends included a union prostitute and a well-seasoned transvestite homosexual. And those were only the ones he knew about. Hell, she may very well know about fetishes and practices he doesn't! "Not at all," he finally answered.

Riza smiled. "Good." She looked down at her hands. "Anyway, I was careful and discreet in what I told them. Mainly I discussed the need for protection, and the consequences if they go without it." She glared at Havoc. "Curiously Havoc did not see fit to tell them much about that, other than giving them the advice to 'Bag it, before you shag it,' which the boys did not find particularly helpful."

Havoc grinned sheepishly. "What can I say? You'd think kids these days would know the terminology already." His grin slid into a smirk. "Besides, I must have done something right. I haven't gotten those magazines back yet."

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Another thing Havoc mentioned little about was the woman's role and reactions. I had to tell them about that too. Of course, my advice only applies if there's one involved in the process." She smiled as she looked back and forth between her boyfriend and Havoc. "But I don't know all that much about how gay men have relations. Perhaps either you Roy, or you Jean, could tell the boys about that aspect." Her smile widened. "Office gossip has you two going at it a couple of times a week now."

Roy rubbed his temple in frustration. Behind him he heard his supposed gay lover groan. "Is this in place of what we're supposed to be doing with Armstrong?"

She took Roy's hand and idly examined the lines on the palm. The smile hadn't left her face. "It's in addition to all your other purported affairs I'm afraid."

Surprisingly the corner of his mouth twitched upward. "Hey, at least they're paying proper tribute to the legendary Mustang Stamina."

"What, you mean the fact that you finish quicker than a prize-winning racehorse?" came a new voice from the direction of the couch.

Roy's expression slid into the look of pure bedevilment that it only took on around the Elder Elric. "So Little Britches is up then is he?"

"Shut up, you ass," Ed said rising to a sitting position, "Now what the hell was that I walked in on?"

Roy sighed and put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Well, you see, Fullmetal," he began, "When a man and a woman love each other..."

Ed scowled and knocked the colonel's hand off. "I know about that already, idiot!"

Mustang rubbed his chin considering. "Oh, okay. Well, then a man has a special thing between his legs called a penis. I'm sure even you have one," he grinned wickedly, "But in your case it's probably so small that you haven't noticed it yet."

The young alchemist clenched his automail fist and jumped to his feet. He took a step toward Roy getting within striking distance. "I'll have you know my dick is so huge I have to get special pants because of it!" he yelled.

The two alchemists then began arguing in earnest, gaining increasingly louder with each insult. Suddenly, the sound of a gunshot ended any further discussion of either mans' anatomy. Both of them jumped and looked in the direction of Riza who was pointing her gun at the ceiling. She quickly blew the smoke off the barrel. She was amused by how the men in the room seemed entranced by the movement of it, always fearful it may be aimed at them next.

"That's enough of that," she said putting her gun back in the holster. "Ed, I have absolutely no wish to hear about the size of your..." she coughed, "ahem, assets, and Havoc and I know more than enough about the colonel's already."

Ed's face screwed up in confusion. "Wait.... Did Hawkeye say Havoc knew about the colonel's...?" he thought. He looked back at the tall blond and noticed how pale he'd become. "On second thought," he mused, "I really don't want to know."

He came out of his reverie to find Hawkeye pushing him back toward the couch. "You, Edward, sit." She pushed him backward until his knees hit the leather.

She turned and grabbed Roy's ear. "And you, Mr. I'm-The-Adult-So-I-Should-Know-Better," she growled, "Will sit over here." She dragged him, cursing, by the ear to his desk chair and shoved him roughly into it.

Ed would have laughed at the sight, but the idea that Hawkeye's gun was still in easy reach was enough to stifle any merriment.

Riza then looked up at Havoc, who nodded and left, closing the door behind him. She circled to the front of the colonel's desk and leaned against it. "Edward," she said in the softer tones she used with the Elric boys, "Roy and I are dating, so what you saw..."

Crossing his arms, the young alchemist blushed, "What I saw was more than just dating."

Her cheeks also getting a tinge of pink, Riza coughed. "Well, be that as it may, the colonel and I are seeing each other."

Ed stood, but didn't move away from the couch. He stuck an accusatory finger out at the colonel. "Yeah, but how can you.... with him? He treats every woman he dates like a common whore!" He regretted his word choice the instant it left his mouth.

The Flame Alchemist rose to his feet, his face dark, and his eyes flashing. "Fullmetal...." he said, his voice low and filled with hidden menace, "You will not refer to the Lieutenant as a whore ever again."

Slightly taken aback by the colonel's response, Ed looked apologetically at Hawkeye. "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant."

Riza nodded in understanding. "I know that," she said simply, "Roy's just being stupid and macho." She ignored the grumbling coming from the chair behind her.

Ed ran his flesh hand through his hair. "I just don't see how he could possibly be treating you well. He's an arrogant ass who has no respect for women." His voice raised in level as he continued, "He's probably just playing with you!"

Frowning, the lieutenant's features took on a hard cast as she answered him, "It doesn't matter what opinion of him you have, Edward. Although it is an opinion you may want to rethink, by the way." She stared him directly in the eyes as she continued, "No matter what you or others may think, the fact remains that I love Roy with all my heart."

Ed's eyes widened at her admission. "But- But you can do so much better than HIM."

"Edward," Mustang said. Both the elder Elric and Riza looked at him in surprise. The colonel never used his ward's first name. (Rumor was that he couldn't even remember it.) The colonel went to the front of his desk, stopping a few steps from Ed. He moved with a seriousness and conviction which frankly, Ed thought the colonel didn't possess. The Flame's eyes squarely met those of Fullmetal.

"Believe me," Roy said, his voice filled with quiet intensity, "when I say that I love Riza more than anything else in the world. I will protect her, I will cherish her, and I will do anything to make her happy. I will achieve my dream of becoming fuhrer, if only because I want to make the world a better place for her."

He sighed and lowered his head, his expression and voice suddenly weary. "You're right about one thing though. I'm not good enough for her."

Riza stepped forward, turned her boyfriend to face her, and took his hands in hers. "Roy, don't talk like that. You're one of the most noble people I know. You're a very good man."

He rubbed her palms with his thumbs, and smiled wanly. "So you keep telling me. I'm glad you believe it at least."

Ed sat down on the couch heavily, the loose fabric making a small "woof" as he landed. He was, to put it bluntly, absolutely stunned by the colonel's behavior. He had never before seen the colonel act this way. He began to wonder just how much of the colonel he knew was an act, and how much wasn't. He also began to wonder just where this new grudging respect for the older alchemist was coming from.

But one thing he didn't have to wonder about was whether they were serious about each other. "I believe you," Ed said quietly, drawing the couple's attention to him, "Both of you."

A small smile appeared on Riza's lips. "Thank you, Edward."

Any further conversation was interrupted by a hesitant knock on the door. "Uh, colonel, sir, Lieutenant Havoc says that my brother is in there with you."

Ed sighed. "Come on in, Al."

"Well," Roy remarked as the younger Elric came in, "At least your brother knows enough to knock first." This gained him an angry glare from the elder Elric.

Al's plume swished back and forth as he took in the scene before him. "Am- Am I interrupting something?"

Roy looked at his girlfriend questioningly. "Should we tell him too?"

She sighed. "In for a penny in for a pound I guess." She looked over at the boy by the door. "Alphonse, please come in and close the door behind you." Al did so, and took a seat next to his brother.

Roy paused to put his thoughts in order. "As your brother recently found out, er...." he scratched his nose nervously, "Well, Lieutenant Hawkeye and I are dating each other."

Al's eyes lit up. "Finally!" he cried happily, "I was wondering if you two would ever get together!"

All three stared at him in surprise. "Al," Ed said, "You expected this to happen?"

Turning his gaze to his sibling, Al answered, "Well, of course! I'm surprised you didn't, brother. Once you know what to look for it was fairly obvious that the colonel and Lieutenant Hawkeye had feelings for each other."

Riza frowned. "I guess we'll have to work on that," she muttered. It's true that Al was extraordinarily perceptive, and often recognized things that others couldn't, but it still wouldn't hurt to scale back on how expressive she and Roy were in public.

Roy blinked then turned his attention back to the two brothers. "Anyway, this has to remain a secret. You two are to tell no one, understand?"

Al nodded eagerly, but Ed's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Coughing lightly, Riza answered. "It's against military regulations for officers in the same division to fraternize with each other."

"So it's illegal then?" Ed asked. Riza nodded. He pointed his thumb at the colonel. "You sure you're willing to risk your career for the Littlest Matchstick Girl over there?"

"Absolutely," she answered without missing a beat.

Ed looked back and forth from his commanding officer to his girlfriend. He sighed and rubbed the nape of his neck with his flesh hand. "Fine, I'll keep your damn secret too."

Roy smirked and opened his mouth only to have it covered by a slim calloused hand. "Thank you, both," Riza said, her eyes shooting daggers at the man next to her, "Roy thanks you too. Don't you, Roy?" She removed her hand and allowed it to drop to her side.

The colonel pouted, crossed his arms and looked off to the side. "Yeah, thanks," he repeated reluctantly.

"Are we the only ones who know?" Al asked.

Riza shook her head. "Havoc and Sciezka do as well. They..." she frowned slightly, "They kind of set us up."

Puzzled, Ed asked, "Havoc I can kind of see, but why would Sciezka try to set you up?"

"Sciezka is Havoc's girlfriend," Roy grinned as he looked down at the blonde boy. "I guess it's not surprising you haven't heard. I suppose the news had trouble finding you, seeing as how small you are."

Ed growled, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING-" He suddenly stopped when his mind finally processed the rest of what Mustang had said. Eyes widening, Ed was a portrait of confusion. "Wait, Havoc has a girlfriend? And that girlfriend is Sciezka?"

Roy sighed in exasperation. "I know. Unbelievable isn't it? To think that a totally average guy like Jean Havoc would get a girlfriend before a totally hot stud like me. Aw well."

Riza rolled her eyes. "Anyway..." She went over to her desk, opened the drawer, and took something out of it. She walked over to the elder Elric and knelt down in front of him. "What have we learned today, Edward?"

Ed sighed. "To knock before entering a room."

She smiled and dropped a cookie into his waiting hands. Tousling his hair she said, "Good boy. Enjoy your cookie."

Ed munched. The cookie was a bit dry, but tasty enough in its own right. And yes, he disliked being treated like a child, but if it came with a cookie at the end it was bearable. And besides, he did feel bad for walking in on them.

Though he didn't understand why Roy blushed and made a noise like a strangled cat when Riza said the word "cookie."

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After giving his report, Ed's stomach rumbled to remind him that, despite the cookie, it still needed more filling. Al had left a few minutes earlier to go and congratulate Havoc on his new relationship. Ed had his hand on the door when Roy's voice stopped him.

"Oh, Fullmetal?"

Ed scowled and turned to the black haired colonel. "What?"

The hated smirk burst onto Roy's face in full-force. "Give Havoc back his magazines," he paused to consider, "At least the ones that aren't too messy."

Ed blushed crimson and stomped out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Roy winced at the noise, then rested his head in his hand and looked over at Riza, who was diligently working on some reports. "Lieutenant?"

She looked up at him. "Yes, sir?"

"Why do you keep cookies in your desk for Fullmetal?"

A devious smile broke out on her face. "They're not just for Edward."

Roy was confused. "What do you mean?"

She opened one of her desk drawers and pulled out a bag. She walked over to his desk and wordlessly handed the bag to him.

He grinned as he saw the dog on the front. "How exactly did this come about?"

Riza rubbed her nose. "Well, I left some on the desk once to give to Hayate later, when I came in and found Edward eating one. He complimented me on my cooking skills and asked for another cookie. I told him I'd give him one if he promised to file his next report on time."

"So that's why he wasn't late with it that one time?" Roy asked. She nodded. "I was wondering about that."

She continued, "So after that I gave him a 'cookie' whenever he was good, and it snowballed from there."

His grin widened. "I suppose you have no intention of telling him the truth then?"

She shook her head, and moved to pick up the bag. "I've found that 'cookies' are a very helpful tool when training dogs, particularly those of the military variety. Even those dogs who don't have the best attention span." She put the bag back in her drawer and picked up the reports she had to file.

Roy's eyebrows furrowed as her words sunk in. "Wait, just who are you talking about training here?"

Riza paused with her hand on the doorknob. She looked back over her shoulder and gave Roy a sultry smile.

"That, sir," she said coyly, "is up to you."

She closed the door then, leaving a mightily confused colonel in her wake.

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Author's Indulgence

Poor Ed. Poor Havoc. Poor Roy. In fact, the only male so far in this story I don't feel sorry for is Al, and I'm only treating him well because he's so cute. ^^;;

And no, I'm not trying to hint at Ed having a crush on Riza. My Ed just happens to be something of a women's rights kind of guy (which makes sense given all the strong women he's had raising him), so he's a bit defensive about how a guy like Mustang appears to treat women.

Hmmm... And this is only the second time in either "Lonely Mornings" or this story that Riza has shot a bullet, and she wasn't even aiming at anyone with either of them. I almost feel like I'm letting the poor gun-nut down by not having more gunplay in it. Oh well, maybe I'll try to work in some nifty gunkata.

Winry is set to show up in Chapter 4 as of right now.

Likely no more updates till July 5th after AX, folks. Sorry, but I have lots of cosplay to do. If you're attending AX say hello if you can pick me out from the 40000 other people there. ^^;

-Thanks to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA anime and manga.
-Thanks to my husband, Ryan, who I still have not seen since the World Cup started.
-Thanks to those who give feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.
-And thanks to you for reading.

Next time: Roy and Havoc get drunk (so what else is new?) and decide to kickstart Ed "Little Britches" Elric's love life. And Al gets a very interesting proposition from Riza.

--Anne Packrat (June 19, 2006)