Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Disaster or Destiny? ❯ Memories ( Chapter 23 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

I gazed quizzically down at the boy, who seemed to be sobbing for no apparent reason. But Russell seemed to understand what was bothering him and kneeled down to put a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his eyes to mine. “Marie, did it work? How do you feel?”

I suddenly forgot my bewilderment about the boy and realized that the pain in my chest and the irritation in my throat was completely gone. “Russell…I think it worked!”

Russell smiled and looked down at the boy, whose face was buried in his hands. “Of course it worked,” he mumbled solemnly. “In return for healing her Equivalence took them away.”

I was about to ask him what he meant by ’them’ when Al burst through the door. “Did you do it? Is she okay?” he asked, sounding excited and nervous at the same time.

I smiled at him. “It worked, Al!”

As happy as I was that the threat was gone, I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. I felt like there was supposed to be someone else there with me, but couldn’t quite think of who it was.

Al seemed as if he was about to say something, but he noticed the boy on the ground and his voice lost its spark of excitement and became somber. “Brother, what’s wrong?”

I looked to Al, then to the boy and back to Al. “Al, this is your brother? You never told me you had one.”

Al’s voice conveyed the bewilderment that his face could not. “Marie, what are you - ?“

The boy stood up and put a hand on Al’s arm to silence him. He walked over to me and pointed to the scar on my arm. I couldn’t recall ever seeing anyone look or sound as dismal as he did. “How did you get that scar?”

Russell and Al exchanged anxious looks at his question. I ran a finger over the scar and answered, “I can’t remember specifically how I got it, but I know it happened when Al and I were fighting an ice alchemist named Thomas. It’s kind of a long story…” I looked up at him and, if it were possible, he looked even more depressed than before. Despite my confusion I gave him a small smile and asked, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

Al stepped forward. “Marie, what are you talking about? This is - “

The boy once again held up a hand to silence him. His face was downcast as he answered in a near whisper, “My name…is Edward Elric.”

Everyone in the room seemed to be holding their breath, as if expecting some kind of reaction from me. I gave them a puzzled look before extending out a hand to Edward. “I’m Marie.” He looked oddly at my extended hand before finally taking it, avoiding my eyes. Under the white gloves he wore his hand seemed unusually cold, but I decided not to question him about it. For reasons I could not even begin to guess, he didn’t seem to be in a mood to talk.

Edward released my hand and turned toward the door, not once looking me in the eyes. He said something I couldn’t hear to Russell and Al, then left.

I turned questioningly to Al. “What’s upsetting your brother so much, Al?”

He rubbed the back of his head nervously. “He..um..well…”

“He’s lost something important to him,” Russell added morosely. He looked at me with sad eyes. “We’ll talk to him. In the meantime, Al and I will get you some breakfast.”

I thanked them and they left, leaving me to contemplate the strange events of the morning. My mind was restless the entire day as I laid in bed and tried to put my finger on what was bothering me. Recalling Edward’s comment about my scar, I suddenly realized how little I actually remembered. There were holes in my memory of the day I received it, spots where I couldn’t remember what had happened. The same thing happened when I recalled the events of the day before, and the day before that, and every day since I had come to Amestris. It worried me at first, but I decided it was probably some sort of side effect from the stone that would go away in a few days.

When I went to sleep that night I had a dream about a boy. In my dream I was in love with him, but when I woke up I couldn’t remember what he’d looked or sounded like. I tried desperately to evoke his image, hoping that it might give me a clue as to why I felt so empty. After failing to do so I decided being cooped up inside was getting to me, and went outside for some fresh air.

Walking was still fairly difficult, and I stopped to sit down on the steps outside the building. I turned at the sound of footsteps and saw Russell, who sat down beside me. “Feel any better?”

“Yeah,” I said, stretching a bit. “Still stiff, though.”

There was a moment of silence before I decided that talking to someone about what was bothering me might help me get over it. “Russell…” I began hesitantly.

“What is it?”

I had to think about what I was going to say, since I myself didn’t completely understand what was going on. “Ever since you - or rather Edward - healed me, I’ve felt like I’m forgetting someone. I’m longing for someone and I don’t even know who it is or if they even exist.” Tears came unbidden to my eyes and I struggled to hold them back. “Most of my memories from the time I came to Amestris up until when you healed me seem incomplete, like there are parts missing. I feel like I’ve lost something important to me but I have no idea what it is.”

Silent tears trickled down my face and Thomas got to his feet, pulling me up with him. He put his arms around me pulled me into a tight embrace. My face flushed and I was surprised by the sudden gesture, but returned in nonetheless.

“Try not to worry about it,” he whispered into my ear. “We’ll figure it out.”

I nodded and buried my face in his shoulder, grateful for his attempts to make me feel better.

We both looked up at the sound of footsteps, and I saw Edward approaching us from behind. He shot Russell a murderous glare before walking past us to the outside barracks where he was staying with Al. He continued to avoid my gaze.

Russell seemed to notice he still had his arms around me and quickly let go, blushing. “Damn…” he mumbled. He spared me a look before running after Edward. “I’m sorry, I need to go talk to him.”

He left me standing by the door, completely confused. I just couldn’t understand Edward. Why wouldn’t he ever look at me? And why did he glare at Russell that way? They had seemed to be friends the first day I met him.

I thought about following so I could listen in, but decided it was really none of my business since I didn’t even know Edward, and I walked back inside.

~Edward~

“Ed, wait!” Russell called after me. Ignoring his pleas I walked inside and slammed the door behind me. Al wasn’t there, and I guessed he was buying food for the kittens, who were becoming more obnoxious every day.

Despite my obvious unwillingness to speak to him, I heard him approach and he started pounding on the door. “Edward, open the door!” Russell demanded.

“Give me one good reason,” I snapped back.

Russell sighed and lowered his voice. “I want to talk to you about this.”

The fact that there might be an opportunity to give him a good punch in the face was the main reason I opened the door.

I let him in and shot him the most menacing glare I could muster. “You’ve got some nerve.”

“What was I supposed to do? She was crying and she’s confused, and you sure as hell aren‘t doing anything to help!” he replied defensively.

“If you told her…” I warned.

“Relax, I didn’t say anything. But you should, Ed. Why are you being this way? Why won’t you just tell her?”

I sighed. “Can you imagine what that would be like? How akward that would be?”

Russell tried to sound reassuring. “But Ed, you can start over! She loved you before, if she got to know you again the same thing would happen.”

“But…it wouldn’t be the same…” I looked down at the floor, my fists clenched. “She’s forgotten everything that happened to us, everything that brought us so close together. And if I told her…” I lowered my voice as I fought back tears, “I just don’t think it would be real. She might feel obligated, or pushed into something by guilt if she found out. I can only imagine how hard it would be to find out that I‘d completely forgotten about the person that loves me, and my love for them. I love her and I don’t want to do that to her.”

“So what then? Are you just going to forget about her?”

I scoffed at him. “Don’t be stupid, I couldn’t forget about her even if I wanted to.” I buried my face in my hands to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

Russell turned back to the door. “She knows something is missing, Ed. Her memories are blurry because you played
such a big part in them, and all of that is gone. As hard as it would be for her to swallow, I really think she’s having a harder time not knowing what’s going on.”

I had to steady my voice before answering, “I’ll have to think about it. In the mean time, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t hold her as if the two of you were lovers or something.” I made no attempt to hide the malice in my voice.

Russell’s tone was similar to my own as he replied, “Until you stop moping around and ignoring her I’m going to do what I can to help her. She really needs a friend right now, and since you’re not doing a damn thing about it I will. If this is the way you show her that you love her then maybe it’s a good thing she forgot about you.”

In a split second I had Russell in my grasp, holding him tightly by the neck of his shirt. I glared at him through narrowed eyes, trying to fight my desire to beat him until he couldn‘t fight back. “Take it back.” I hissed.

Russell seemed unperturbed by my threat, and returned the glare. “I won’t take it back until you prove to me that I’m wrong.”

I shoved him back against the wall, knowing full well that I’d have to keep my distance if I was going to keep myself from breaking every one of his limbs. “I love her and if you ever say otherwise I won’t hesitate to make you regret it.”

He straightened his shirt and put a hand on the doorknob. “If you love her so much then prove it.” He turned to face me once more before leaving, his face grim. “You’re going to lose her forever if you don’t do something.”

He left and I collapsed on the bed in tears.

I was still in denial over what happened, I just couldn‘t bring myself to believe it. She didn’t remember anything. I was
completely wiped from her memory. Why her memories of me were the only ones to disappear, I didn‘t understand, but they were now somewhere inside the Gate, and I had no way to get them back.

If I did tell her, I would have to wait until I was ready to accept the fact that it was true. But at the same time I was trying to tell myself that it was over. All we went through, what made us fall in love in the first place, never happened as far as she was concerned. And if I told her, she might distance herself even more. I didn’t know how someone would react to having their own memories retold to them, and I wasn’t exactly keen on finding out.

The only thing that brought any comfort was to ignore the agonizing thoughts racing through my head and to just remember her as she used to be.

“But brother, why not?” Al nagged, eyeing the girl in the corner.

“Because, Al! She’ll just get in the way,” I replied in an irritated voice. I spared a glance to the girl and felt a twinge of guilt as I saw her flipping frustratingly through one of the many books that surrounded her. I knew what she was going through.

I couldn’t sleep that night. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Mustang had informed me of the situation, I had been the one to suggest the idea of the Stone in the first place, and he in turn had informed the girl. As bad as I thought I had it, at least I was in a familiar place and I had my brother. She was completely alone, and a long way from home. I decided to find her the next day in the library and tell her she could join Al and I.

I found her in the same place the next morning, and could tell she hadn’t slept much. I stood in front of her and she glanced up. When she saw it was me, she scowled and went back to her book. Through Mustang she knew Al and I were also searching for the Stone, and was angry that we weren’t sharing any information with her.

“What do you want?” she snapped without looking up.

I had to struggle to keep my voice under control. “I was about to ask you whether you wanted Al and I to help you, but it seems you don’t want any help…” I started to turn away but she quickly jumped to her feet and took a hold of my wrist. I turned and gazed into two determined, eager eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she said rather insincerely. “I really would appreciate the help. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t help me in the first place.”

I turned to her and she let go of my wrist. “Look, my brother and I do a lot of traveling and we sometimes get caught up in situations that aren’t exactly what you’d call safe. I really don’t want you coming along, but you don’t have a chance in hell of getting the Stone without us.”

Her scowl only deepened. “Why not?”

I held up my pocket watch. “I’m a State Alchemist. I have access to information on the Stone that would be
impossible for someone like you to access. Without me your goal is impossible.”

She eyed me suspiciously. “So why did you decide to help me all of a sudden if you don’t want me around?”

I started to gather up the books and place them back on the shelves. Buy then I knew the location of nearly every book in the alchemy section of the library. “Because I know what you’re going through.”

Needless to say, she was friendlier after that. Before long I began to feel quite comfortable around her, and though I wouldn’t admit it I really enjoyed her company. She quickly grew fond of Al and he of her, and every time she made my brother laugh I liked her even more. She was an easy person to talk to and after four months of being together the three of us were familiar with the other’s situation. By then Al and I thought of her as a close friend that we could trust, and we told her our story. I had always appreciated that she didn’t pry into our personal information, but I could tell she was curious as to why we looked the way did and I thought she deserved to know.

I didn’t realize just how much I really did care about her until she was kidnapped by Envy. It was a complete replay of the incident at laboratory five, except now it was Marie instead of Al. When she risked her life to save me from the chimeras I realized that I’d found a lifelong friend I could depend on, and despite the hardships I knew were still to come the journey ahead of me somehow seemed a little easier than it had before.

Everything that happened afterwards brought forth new feelings I’d never experienced before. When Bald’s men took her I surprised myself at how protective I suddenly felt. When we met Thomas I was jealous over her initial reaction towards him. And though I think it had been in the back of my mind the entire time, it was when Aida tried to attach her soul to one of the puppets that I realized I loved her. When she wouldn’t wake up I didn’t like the way it affected me; I felt helpless and had no idea how to cope. When she came up to me that day in the rain, I though my heart was going to burst with happiness and relief. It was then I decided I needed to tell her how I felt, and the kiss she gave me in our spar finally gave me the courage to do it. For some reason I was terrified of what her reaction would be, but after she returned the kiss with a passion that matched my own I realized she’d been hiding her feelings just as I had.

I don’t know how many times I replayed our first kiss in my head. Each time just made me more miserable but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. My stomach was still in knots over the image of her embracing Russell. Seeing her with him, completely oblivious to the fact that I loved her, was just too much to handle. I agonized over what to do until I finally cried myself to sleep.

I ended up sleeping on and off the rest of the day, and still slept all through the night. Al came back some time during the day, but I was so out of it I barely noticed. I constantly dreamt about Marie, and in my dreams she always knew who I was. I welcomed the escape from reality my dreams brought me, even if it wasn‘t real.

I woke up the next morning to the unpleasant sound of the Colonel’s voice. I covered my head with my pillow to try to drown it out but his persistent pounding on the door finally forced me to get out of bed and let him in.

“Good morning sunshine,” he said sarcastically, wearing a smug grin that made me nauseous.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily. “What the hell do you want?”

His smile suddenly disappeared and the sarcasm left his voice. “Ed, how long do you plan on moping around like this?”

I started to shut the door on him. “You wouldn’t understand, just leave me alone.”

He put out an arm to stop the door. “Yes I do. Russell told me what happened.”

I gazed at the floor and cursed him under my breath. “He’s probably gone off and told everyone that I’ve lost it, the lousy prick.”

“Look, I know you’re having a hard time,” Mustang pressed, “but there’s something I need you to do.”

I closed my eyes and massaged my temples in frustration. “Look Mustang, I’m really not ready for another assignment. Can’t you get someone else to do it?”

He shook his head. “Sorry kid, already tried.” His tone indicated that there was no room for protest as he turned away and added, “Get ready, you’re leaving today.”

The back of his head suddenly seemed like a perfect target for my fist. “Did you not hear what I just said? I’m not going!”

He turned and raised an eyebrow. “This is an order from your superior, Edward. You do as I say or you lose your certification.”

It was all I could do to let him walk away unscathed.

Less that an hour later I walked over to H.Q., making sure my discontent with the situation was apparent on my face. I was surprised to find not only Mustang waiting at the front, but Russell, Al, and a confused looking Marie.

I avoided Russell and Marie’s gaze, the former because I hated him at the moment and the latter because it was just too painful. I shot a glare at Mustang before turning to Al. “You ready then?”

Al rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Actually brother, I’m not going.”

I turned to Mustang as he stated, “Marie is going to accompany you.”

I spared a glance at Marie, who shrugged, indicating she was just as confused as I was. I grabbed Mustang by the sleeve and dragged him a few feet away.

“What is this all about? Do you enjoy torturing me like this?” I snapped.

He pushed my hand away and gave me the look I hated more than anything; the one that said ‘shut up, I’m the adult here and what I say goes.’ His tone indicated the same thing. “Don’t be a fool. I’m not sending her with you to torture you. I have my reasons and I’m afraid you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

“But why isn’t Al coming with?” I protested. “That would make it at least a little more bearable,” I had trouble keeping my voice steady as I added, “She’ll be uncomfortable around me.”

He put a hand on my shoulder, and I was surprised to see what looked like genuine concern in his eyes. “I’m just following orders. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but when you joined the military you knew you would have to be ready to do things you didn’t want to do. Now, unfortunately, is one of those times.”

He straightened and returned to the group. His instructions were rather ambiguous and I couldn’t help but think he was hiding something from me. He told me we were to go to Aquroya and gave us directions to an inn. He said the innkeeper there, with whom he was friends, would give us further instructions, I just needed to tell him who I was and who sent me. He still wouldn’t tell me why Al wasn’t coming.

It was strange getting on the train without Al, and instead watching him wave from the window. Seeing the three of them standing there, I got the feeling that Mustang wasn’t the only on hiding things. I sat across from Marie, who remained quiet, and the train began to move. I caught her eye and she smiled at me. My heartache intensified as the smile brought back a memory; It was just before the three of us had left for Haden, where she’d been kidnapped by Envy.

I was laying on my bed reading when Marie suddenly burst through the door, looking excited about something. “C’mon Ed I want to show you something!” She glanced around the room and added, “Where’s Al? I want him to come too.”

I yawned and stretched. “He’s at the library, probably will be for awhile. Where have you been?”

She walked over and grabbed my hand and started dragging me towards the door. “I’ll show you.”

“Marie, I really don’t feel like going anywhere…” I protested weakly.

She ignored me and continued to pull me outside and into the nearby woods. “You’ve been sitting inside all day. You can take a break once in awhile, you know.”

I sighed and finally surrendered. We walked for nearly an hour before the darkness from the surrounding trees was replaced by blazing sunlight, the silence by rushing water. I shielded my eyes from the light and glanced around. We’d made our way into a clearing where there was a big pool of water that let out into a small stream. It was fed by a small waterfall falling from a cliff about twenty feet higher. It was just the right time of day that when the sun shone down on the water, it combined with the spray from the cascading falls to create a faint rainbow.

“Isn’t it amazing?” she inquired. “It looks even better at this time of day.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I looked over at her. She glanced at me expectantly. “Well? What do you think?”

I shrugged and tried to look uninterested, just to annoy her. “It’s okay I guess.”

“Okay? This place is amazing!”

“Marie, I was raised in the country. I experienced enough nature to last me a lifetime.”

She scowled and looked back at the waterfall. “Well I don’t get to see much of this at home, and it’s city people like you who want to build over places like this that are the reason for it.”

I stared blankly at her for a moment and then pushed her into the water. She quickly surfaced and glowered at me. “What the hell?!”

I kneeled down on the edge and grinned at her. “You love it here so much I though you’d enjoy a swim.”

Her eyes narrowed and without warning her arm shot out of the water and she grabbed the corner of my red coat. Caught completely off guard I lost my balance and fell in.

When I came back up I looked around, but couldn’t find her. Suddenly something grabbed my leg and dragged me under. When I finally came back up Marie was floating at the surface, laughing. I quickly discarded my coat and jacket so they wouldn’t slow me down, and something like a cross between tag and a dunking contest ensued. The water wasn’t very deep, so the weight of my auto-mail didn’t cause too much of a problem.

After twenty minutes we were exhausted. We heaved ourselves onto the bank and laid on the grass to catch our breath.

“Nice try,” I said breathlessly, “But I won.”

“Shut up, you did not,” she quipped, unable to suppress a grin.

“It really is beautiful here,” I finally said after a comfortable silence.

She turned and smiled at me. “I knew you’d like it. You needed to get outside anyway.”I smiled contently and for
the first time in a long time, felt at peace with the world.

For one fleeting moment the memory of that day at the waterfall made me forget about what was lost. I was about to relay the memory to her, because I knew it would make her happy, when I remembered with a stab of remorse that she would have no idea what I was talking about. That smile; it looked so similar to the one she’d given me that afternoon. But it was as if this was a completely different person. She had no idea she’d given me that smile before, or how much it meant to me.