Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Full Metal Alchemist in a Nutshell ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Welcome one and all 2 the Full Metal Alchemist in a Nutshell!!! This is my first fanfiction, so if you don't like it…don't hurt me!

Disclaimer: Do I really haveta do this? Don't you people know I don't own Full Metal Alchemist? *sigh* I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. Or Michael Jackson. Cause if I did own Michael Jackson, I would commit suicide. Seriously.

Okay, ACTION!!!

Ed and Al, both little kids are sitting on the floor. Ed finishes drawing a hugie transmutation circle on the floor.

“You ready Al?” Ed asks Al, looking at him.

“Uhuh.” Al replies, nodding his head.

“Don't be scared Al. Everything's perfect” So he says.

Ed and Al both put their hands on the transmutation circle, and it starts glowing yellow. Dramatic music starts playing in the background.

“Okay, what you're seeing now is alchemy. It's a really cool science thingy that involves understanding matter, deconstructing it, and reconstructing it as something else. Really cool stuff. But, since alchemy is a science, it has to follow the natural laws. To obtain something, something of equal value must be lost. You'll here that a lot, at the beginning of each episode.” Ed says while you watch the two kids transmuting.

“Hey Nii-san, watcha doing?” Al says.

“Al, go away. I'm doing the commentary thing.” Ed said, annoyed.

“How come you get to do it?! I'm just as important a character as you!” Al complains.

“Cause this is MY show! So go away.” Ed yells at Al.

“Fine!” Al leaves.

“Okay, back to the show folks.” Ed says.

The yellow light from the transmutation turns purple and red. “What the heck?” Little Ed says, looking around.

“Nii-san! Something's wrong!” Al yells over the whoosing sounds.

`No duh' Ed thought.

Al screams. Ed turns around, seeing Al's arm beginning to disappear.

“Al!!” Ed yelled, about to run over to him. He trips, looking at his leg, which is also disappearing.

“Nii-san!! Nii-san!!!” Al yells, getting pulled into the gate.

“ALLL!!!!!” Ed yelled, reaching over to him. Dramatic moment now, Ed is just about to grab Al's hand when it disappears.

The lights fade, and Ed is on his knees.

“Al? Al?! How could this have happened?!” Ed cries.

Smoke clears, and hip music slowly fades in

“Mom? Is that you?”

Smoke clears completely. Tight black pants, and golden, sparkly shoes can been seen. Another shot of a bright red leather jacket with a shinyful silver glove shows.

Ed's eyes open wide.

A close-up of…Micheal Jackson's face shows up. He sings loudly ”Hee,hee!!”

Ed screams. “AAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” Dun Dun Duuuuuuuun!!!!!

So anyway, many years past, and you see hot and sexy Ed in a desert.

“I hate deserts. There's nothing but sand.” Ed falls face-first on the ground.

“I'm huuuuuungry!” Ed whined, then looked up. “Hey?! Al? Where did you go?” Ed says, looking around and showing his cute butt to the audience. “WOOOO!!!! YEAH!!! SHAKE IT!!!” Yell the audience.

“I'm over here!” Al said, his voice muffled. A hand pops out of the ground and grabs Ed.

“AUGH! DON'T EAT ME!” Ed screams.

“Nii-san. It's me. I sank again.” Al says.

“Again?!” Ed says sarcastically.

~10 minutes later~

“Why the hell do you keep sinking?!” Ed yells, panting and sitting on his suitcase.

“I get full.” Al said, his armor looming over Ed.

“Full of what?!” Ed yells, kicking Al. His chestplate falls off, and Ed gets buried in kittens.

“Oh, snap…” Al sayd, inching away from his brother.

“ED SMASH!!!!!” Ed yelled, exploding from the kitty dogpile.

All the kitties get mad at Ed, and start chasing him.

“AUGH!!!” Ed screamed, kitties pouncing at him and hanging onto his red jacket.

~20 minutes later~

Ed and Al are walking down the street of a town. Ed is pulling cats off of him.

“You okay Nii-san?”

“Why the hell do you have cats inside you? And from where?” Ed said in a huff, pulling the last cat off his braid.

“Um…internet.” Al says, tapping his index fingers together.

“We don't have a computer. Whatever, I'm thirsty.” Ed says, dragging his feet on the road. “I can almost hear water running.” Ed said, passing a fountain.

“Uh…Nii-san?” Al points to the fountain.

“AL! Look! Water!!” Ed says, eyes wide.

Al sighs, covering his face with his hand.

“Water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water!!” Ed yelled, throwing his suitcase in the air and running toward the fountain.

Jerry walks out of the hospital. “Finally! After 6 months of being in a coma from that freak suitcase accident and I'm finally from!” He says happily, when Ed's suitcase falls from the sky and knocks him into a coma.

“Water!!” Ed yelled once more, diving into the fountain. He swam to the surface, spitting out `water', and diving under again.

Al walked over to the fountain, looking at its contents. “Nii-san, this isn't water. This is red wine.”

Ed ignored Al, climbing to the top of the fountain. “Hay all yers peoples!!” Ed slurred, waving his arms around in the air. “Who wants to see a real man?!”

“US!!! WE DO!! WOOO!!!” The audience roars.

Ed rips off his shirt and jacket, throwing it into the crowd. Members of the audience fight and wrestle and show off meaningless violence. “YES! ED'S JACKET'S MINE!!! NO, ITS MINE BITCH!! OWW!! HEY, I WANT IT!” While Ed starts flexing his arms/automail and showing off his smexy, muscular bod and singing “I'm to sexy for my shirt, to sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.”

“Oh, man. Shouldn't you be setting an example for me?” Al said, sighing.

“Hey, who's the shrimp on the wine fountain?” Tommy asked his friend Ron. Ron shrugged.

On the fountain, a vein popped onto Ed's head. “WHO THE H*LL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN BE STEPPED ON BY A FLEA?!?!” Ed yelled, grabbing Tommy and Ron by the legs and spinning them around.

“AUGH!! WE DIDN'T SAY THAT!!” Tommy and Ron shouted, getting dizzy.

“Nii-san! Let them go!” Al commanded.

Ed let go of Tommy and Ron, and they flew in the sky. “WE'RE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!” They shouted, then disappeared with a ding!

Rose walks over, holding groceries. “What's with all the hubba?” she askes.

“I didn't take the cookies out of the cookie jar, I swear!” Ed yelled, hiccupping.

Al sighed. “I'm sorry about my brother. He's drunk.”

Rose nodded. “Oh, okay.”

“Hey Rose, you bringing that to Father Cornello?” Mr. Shop Guy says, pointing to her groceries.

“Yup!” Rose says, smiling.

Ed bangs on the counter. “Hey shop guy! Where's the grub?!” Ed slurred, sitting on a stool and magically obtaining another shirt and jacket.

Mr. Shop Guy takes the radio, which is talking about car sales, and smashes it on Ed's head.

Ed slumps over onto the counter, unconscious.

“Nii-san!!” Al yells, running over to his unconscious brother.

“Hey! You busted the radio!” Rose yelled at the Shop Guy, pointing the shattered remains of a cheap radio.

“Oh, I did, didn't I.” Mr. Shop Guy said, scratching the back of his head.

“I can fix it!” Al says, forgetting about his brother who is currently bleeding onto the counter. He doodles a transmutation circle on the ground. ( Al, not Ed. Ed is unconscious.)

“What are you doing?” Mr. Shop Guy said.

“Just shut your trap and watch.” Al replies, putting his hand on the transmutation circle. Ka-boom!! A blue flash of lightning hits the broken radio and magically fixes it. Everyone except Ed goes “Oooooh. Aaaaah.”

“Wagh! I didn't do it! It was Al!” Ed yells, waking up from the sound of the transmutation.

“Hey!” Al said annoyed.

“Huh? What happened?” Ed asked, rubbing his head.

“Wow! You can do miracles like Father Cornello!” Rose said, her eyes full of sparkles.

“Miracles? No way, we're alche-“ Ed started, when Rose grabbed his arm and started dragging him away. “Ack!”

“I'm sure Father Cornello would want to see other prophets of the sun god!” Rose said, dragging Ed toward Cornello's place.

Rose dragged Ed over to Cornello's house. Al followed, his armor clanking loudly on the paved ground.

Cornello was at his office, watching the birds poop on the giant statue of the sun god. He sees Ed being dragged by Rose, and Al following them. Cornello magically knew that the blond shorty was the Full Metal Alchemist.“I'm going to go greet out guests.” He told his pet pigeon Fabeo. Fabeo pooped on his face. Wiping the smelly bird poop off his face, Cornello stuffed a gun down his shirt (very dangerous kids! Don't try that at home!) and went to meet his guests.

“Hey! Let go of me!” Ed yelled, jerking his arm away from Rose.

“Nii-san, be nice.” Al said, putting his hands on his hips.

“Al, you do know this is the English dub of the show. Nii-san is japenese.” Ed pointed out.

“Yeah, but Nii-san sounds cooler.” Al said plainly.

“Whatever floats your boat Al.” Ed said, shrugging.

Father Cornello walks over to them. “Welcome travelers.” He said.

“Hey, this old guy smells like bird poop.” Ed said, pointing at Cornello and pinching his nose shut.

“What the fu-“ Cornello started, but got a flying kick from Ed. Cornello fell on his big, fat butt.

“You know you can't curse on this show!” Ed said, wagging a gloved finger.

“But, Nii-san. You curse all the time.” Al pointed out.

“Yeah, but this is my show. I can do anything I want.” Ed said smugly.

`I haven't had a line in a while.' Rose thought, standing there.

“Enough of the chitty chiity chit chat!” Cornello yelled, pulling the gun out of his shirt. He pointed it at Al, and shot him in the head. Al's head flew off, and his armor fell to the ground.

“Surprised expression!” Ed said, looking surprised.

Rose screamed loudly.

Is Al a goner? Will Rose get a line anytime soon? Why is Ed so drop-dead sexy? What ever happened to Michael Jackson? And did Tommy and Ron ever make it back to human civilization ever again? Find out in the next chapter!

By the way, everytime you don't review, Michael Jackson gets more plastic surgery. So for the love of humanity, please review!!!