Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Guilt ridden ❯ Old wounds, brothers bond ( Chapter 11 )

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Full Metal Alchemist, just a fan here folks.

 

Warning: LEMON scene's, Language, violence & other stuff.

 

Summary: Did you read the first chapter? `Cause it says it there.

 

Chapter 11: Old wounds, brothers bond.

 

Al sat by the bed for two days.

For two days he diligently sat by Ed's bedside as doctors and nurses came and went checking on his condition and generally probing his unconscious form to better gauge wether or not the infections he had contracted in his fight with Filth had died down. Several times the nurses had almost told him that visitors hours had ended, but one look at him or Mustang who had spent two days leaning against the window and they had decided to save their breathes, they went moving anywhere.

“Al?” Al leapt about five feet out of his chair at his brother's croaky voice. “Ed, you okay big brother?” Al asked calming down as he folded the newspaper and placing it on the moveable table that was otherwise empty. “Y-Yeah…. Sort of, a bit thirsty but” Ed mumbled.

“Oh yeah, sorry big brother” Al stated quickly as he grabbed the water jug, poured a glass and handed it to Ed. “Thanks Al” Ed said croakily as he lifted the glass and took several big chugs of fresh clean water. As Ed placed the glass on the table with shaking hands he stared into Al's eyes.

There was something there, something so deep and powerful that he simply couldn't brush it aside. Of course he knew what it was, concern. He had seen that look a thousand times in a thousand forms and every time it cut right to his heart as much as it did when he saw the same look in Rose's eyes.

But what could he do, how could he reveal these scars that he carried around with him day and night, and ruin the perceived innocence he still felt towards Al? No ways, better to suffer in silence then to make those around him fear for him. He couldn't, wouldn't, let himself do that.

And even if he wanted to relieve himself of these scar's what could he say? `I hate myself for having chosen the life of a state alchemist because I wanted to undo my past mistakes and ended up making hundreds more?' No, it didn't fully encapsulate the full complexity of his self loathing and self disgust.

Ed was no fool, he knew that all his guilt and self hatred stemmed from his and his brothers failed attempt to bring back their mother, and though he also knew part of the blame fell across Al's shoulders he simply couldn't believe that it should be so. He couldn't accept that.

So he looked away from Al and stared at Mustang and Armstrong “so your finally awake Full Metal, just as well I've got some serious reorganising to do at western HQ” Mustang said flippantly as he stretched and strolled from the room as if nothing had happened.

“Although I disagree with the general's choice of words he's true, it's great to see you're okay Edward unfortunately I must leave for official work” Armstrong said rising and stretching. “No problems Armstrong, I'll see you once I'm out of here” Ed said.

As Armstrong left the room Al stared into the glass of water his eyes full of concern “big brother?” he asks unsure of how to approach this subject, given Ed's notorious short temper. “Yeah Al” Ed says sitting up. “I was just wondering why you umm…… Told us to leave back in the cemetery, after all we could have helped and you wouldn't have gotten hurt” Al said looking up at Ed with clear concern and also a hint of annoyance.

“Well you know me Al, I always have to play the hero” Ed said with a nervous laugh trying to think of something else to say to steer the conversation away from this particular subject. “But why, I mean you're lucky you're still alive given the number of times you've gone charging recklessly into situations like that and denied anyone, even me your own brother, from helping you” Al sighed and looked away back to the glass of water “I just want to understand, cause it makes me feel so useless when you wont let me help even though I feel I should” Al was struggling to hold back the tears of frustration and concern he felt welling up through him.

“Hey, come on Al that's not it” Ed said quickly. He sat up and drew his younger brother closer their foreheads touching as they stared at each other. “It's not that I don't want your help, believe me you're the first person I'd ask for help on a mission, it's just that I don't want you to get hurt” Ed stated hoping to end this conversation before it started.

“You've said that before and like I said before I'm no longer a little kid who you need to look after brother, I can look after myself and back you up if need be” Al said a defiant light flaring behind his eyes. “I know that Al, but it's a big brother thing I feel a responsibility to look out for you and put your safety first, even if it means it makes things more dangerous okay?” Ed smiled ever so slightly “besides it's not like I'll be going on missions like this again” he said leaning back as Al went back to staring into the glass.

“About that brother…… Are you sure you want to retire from active duty so soon?” Al asked without looking up. “Of course” Ed said with a quick nod “I'll get to spend more time with Rose, and finally settle down after all the journeying we've done” he said stating his point so easily.

“Okay” Al said seemingly accepting this answer. “But why now all of a sudden?” Al said ruining Ed's hopes for an end to the probing questions that he quiet frankly didn't want to answer. “Don't know, only really just occurred to me during this mission” Ed lied, he was far from proud lying to his younger brother but he didn't want to show that he hadn't grown beyond the guilt ridden teen who had carried his burdens around concealed like dirty secrets.

Ed looked away trying to conceal his rather blatant lie from Al, “Your lying brother” obviously it didn't work. “No I'm not, I-“Ed was cut off by Al. “Yes you are brother, I know when you're trying to hide things from me, why can't you just tell me? Why does everything have to be a big mystery with you brother?” that ticked Ed off.

“Are you calling me a liar?” Ed snapped.

“If that's what you want to call it!” Al yelled, clearly annoyed with Ed's constant hiding of his feelings and concerns from him. “Fine, you want to know the truth?” Ed said sitting up his features showing a mix of frustration, grief and annoyance. Why can't Al just leave this alone? He asked himself before allowing his annoyance make his mouth move.

“The truth is that I hate doing this, I hate tracking down homunculi or wayward alchemist or rebels and killing many of them, I hate being a dog of the military and I hate having to pretend that everything's fine and that it doesn't affect me” he said through gritted teeth.

Ed sighed as he saw the sadness in Al's eyes “every time I leave on a mission I promise myself that I wont kill anyone, and yet somehow, somehow I always end up with more blood on my hands” he stared at his bare hands, clenching them into fists before allowing them to relax into their normal position.

“All I ever wanted was a normal life, to grow up with a whole family go through school then start my own family while going to work five days a week before coming home every evening” his voice cracking as tears threatened to spill forth. “But I have no chance of that while I have to go out and do these missions” Ed sighed, his soul threatening to falter under revealing his deepest regrets and pains.

“Its okay brother” Al said his voice seemingly a million miles away. “No….. No it's not” Ed said shaking his head, his hair obscuring his tear filled eyes from his brother “nothings alright, I'm constantly weighed down with memories of the deaths I've caused throughout my life, from trying to forge the stone and onwards to this day” forcing the tears down Ed looked up at Al.

“I can't even get a whole night's sleep at home with Rose because of the nightmares that keep occurring and I can't even stomach looking at myself in the mirror for more then a few moments because I'm disgusted by my own image, I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to stop it” Ed shock his head as a few tears managed to escape and slide down his face.

Al stared at Ed with a mix of sadness and annoyance, he couldn't believe his brother was this god dam self hating! “So you bottle up all those emotions and allow them to separate you from everyone else?” he asked, sounding much older then his years. “What other choice do I have?” Ed asked unable, or perhaps unwilling, to raise his head and meet Al's gaze, afraid of the possible accusation he might see behind his year younger brothers eyes.

“You're an idiot” Al mumbled trying to sound light hearted, it clearly worked as Ed begun to chuckle and Al followed suit glad to hear his brother sounding somewhat happy for the first time since the start of the mission. Soon they were both openly laughing at how surreal their lives seemed at that moment.

Finally the laughing died down and Al looked at his older brother, whose image seemed slightly hazy because of the tears of laughter in his eyes. “Why didn't you just come and talk to me? I mean we're brothers, and more then that we've been to hell and back together I thought you would have told me if something this big was eating at you” Al said shaking his head.

“I don't know” Ed mumbled as a serious air once again settled on the room “I was embarrassed and wanted to solve it on my own” he said his head lowering in a mixture of shame and embarrassment, Al had spoken the truth and it was the truth Ed had completely ignored all along.

“Like I said, you're an idiot I'm probably the one person besides Rose you can truly open up too, and you can't delve into classified information with Rose can you?” Al said. “Nope, you're right Al but still…..” Ed voice trailed off. Al noticed how hoarse his brother's voice sounded so he handed him the glass of water again.

Ed gulped the remaining water in the glass and handed it back to Al. A long pregnant silence filled the room as both brothers gathered their thoughts and tried to think of what to say. As the long silence continued both brothers soon found they were unsure what to say to the other for the first time in their lives.

“I'm not sure where I go from here” Ed said his eyes unfocused and hazy as he was seemingly lost in memory, “on the one hand I want desperately to leave no divide between myself and Rose, but on the other hand I know there is information I've found out that I can't tell her and it's killing me inside” Ed admitted with a heavy sigh.

Al looked down at his older brother from his standing position at the end of the bed “I wish I knew the answer big brother” his own mind now whirling with memories of Winry and the secrets he wished he could reveal to her. Al sighed just the same as Ed had “I guess there's nothing we can do” he looked away out the window “after all we're state alchemists, and we chose this path of our own free will, we have no one to blame but ourselves”

 

A/U: Were you expecting more? I wish I could but this chapter seemed to take FOREVER, and honestly I just wanted to get it over with and go on to the epilogue, which will contain the last burst of lemon goodness for your amusement. Later………