Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 6 - Kokka Renkinjutsushi Shikaku Shiken ( Chapter 6 )

Mustang: So, you're going to take the State Alchemist test?

Edward: Want me to wag my tail? This comment won't encourage the furries or anything.

Voiceover!Alphonse: That's how we ended up spending time at the Tucker residence before the exam. I bet you'd forgotten that I was narrating these episodes, hadn't you!


*Opening credits*

*Title card : State Alchemist Qualification Exam*


Mustang: Exposition is my job in this episode. I'll also show you some paperwork that gives us the correct spelling of Shou Tucker's name, settles the "state alchemist versus national alchemist" dispute, gives you the correct translation if his title, and provides you with some information about the Scientific Revolution in Great Britain. I also have to throw in some cabbage-lines about what a chimera is, in case the audience missed the first episode, because Ed and Al surely know what the hell a chimera is.

Edward: I forgot my wits on the nightstand this morning. If that dog had been Scar leaping out at me, I'd be dead right now.

Tucker: I'm really sorry, we have no women in the house, and my daughter is too young to run the vacuum cleaner. And I'm too cheap to hire a maid. Please excuse the mess, which appears to consist entirely of scattered books and not, for instance, empty beer cans and two-week-old pizza.

Nina: Look how cute I am!

Mustang: That's not a disembodied soul in a suit of empty armor.

Alphonse: Dammit, am I just going to have to get used to every alchemist on the planet knowing at a glance what I am?

Tucker: Nina, go outside and play.

Nina: Look how cute I am!

Tucker: Let me show you the library.

Edward: Awesome! Books! I ... am not human, I'm eleven years old, but the thought of studying for a test is more appealing to me than anything else that comes to mind.


*later at dinner*


Nina: Look how cute I am!

Alphonse: To humor Nina, let me twist the knife in Nii-san a little more.


*that night*


Edward: Hey Al, what do people think of you going to bed in your armor?

Alphonse: We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Edward: This footage of us laying in bed in our room will be reused several times.

Voiceover!Alphonse: I know I didn't have a lot to do in the last two episodes, but I'm making up for it now for sure!


*an indeterminate time later*


Edward: If Tucker had had the foresight to put some GODDAMNED CHAIRS in his library, I wouldn't have to look so adorable sitting on the floor. Wait a minute ... Where's Al?

Alphonse: Come play in the snow with us!

Nina: Look how cute I am!

Edward: Although I love books more than I love life itself, I guess it's time to establish that I can get along with Nina and have fun with her. Otherwise the tragedy of the next episode will be wasted.

Hughes: I know it's your birthday, Edward.

Edward: How?

Hughes: Let's not get into that! Come to my house, my wife and I are going to give you a party. I'm not a stranger ... really! You can come with me! Come on ... I'll give you some candy!

Edward: Your character design tells me that you're actually a genuinely nice guy and not a child molester, so sure, we'll come with you.


*at Hughes' place*


Edward: I have no tact, so I'll point out that Gracia's hugely pregnant. I'm also squicked by the idea of touching a female. But I'm not gay!

Nina: Look how cute I am!

Hughes: We'll get Gracia to serve us all tea in spite of the fact that she's three times the size she ought to be and should be sitting down resting.

Gracia: Labor pains!

Hughes: We have to get you to a doctor! Oh no! Plot device is falling out of the sky! I'll run get the doctor and leave you in the capable hands of a four-year-old and two pre-pubescent alchemists, one of which is a disembodied soul! The idea of calling the doctor is too logical for this kind of situation.

Edward: I'm done with the water-heating busy work. Now what?

Gracia: Towels.

Alphonse: What for?

Gracia: To mop up all the blood and amniotic fluid?

Alphonse: This is getting too gross for me ..

Gracia: Labor pains!

Nina, Edward and Alphonse: Panic!

Edward: I'll slam my fist into my hand for no reason, except to express my frustration. Then I'll accidentally transmute the water back to warm again. You of course realize that this means that every time I touch my hands together, and then touch something else, I'll end up transmuting it even if I didn't intend to. This could actually kind of suck. It could really backfire on me someday.


*commercial break*


Alphonse: Thank god she popped the kid out during the commercial break, or I might have actually had to see that stuff she needed the towels for.

Hughes: You gave birth on the COUCH??


*back at Tucker's place*


Edward: See, I told you this footage would be reused.

Alphonse: I have some angst to stir up.

Edward: Bah, and I was in a good mood too.

Voiceover!Alphonse: After that, we studied even harder. Studying sometimes involved Nii-san being chased around by the dog.

Tucker: Time to give you some exposition about the exam. Pity I didn't tell you all of this earlier, you might have had time to actually prepare for the practicals, and think about what Al was going to do about the interview. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Edward: My antenna is particularly long in this scene.

Voiceover!Alphonse: And then we took the written test. I did better than Nii-san did. And everybody calls HIM the genius! Take that!

Nina: Look how cute I am!

Alexander: I am in the scene for no discernable reason at all.


*later*


Mustang: Come into a dark alley with me. Heh heh heh.

Alphonse: Why shouldn't I continue on to the interview!?

Mustang: Weren't you angsting about it just five seconds before I asked you to step into this dark alley with me? What kind of a stupid-ass question is this?

Edward: Let me hand out some cabbage-lines about State Alchemists and war and killing people with alchemy, just in case our audience missed the third episode. This will also twist the knife in Mustang some.

Mustang: Thanks a lot.


*later*


Edward: What an ... extremely military-looking door.

Bradley: If you are a true alchemist, the chair will not reject you. Because being a true alchemist is a mystical attribute that inanimate objects can sense.

Edward: I'm vaguely disturbed that I'm sitting in the middle of a transmutation array. Does anyone else find this a safety hazard?


*later*


Edward: See? We're reusing that footage again.

Alphonse: I know I'm sure of one thing ... I want to touch you again, Nii-san. But not in a way that will encourage the Elricest shippers!

Edward: Right ... not that way.

Alphonse: It's weird, but we're this close, and the sensation of touching you, the warmth of your body ...

Edward: This is the line, Al, and this is you. You've crossed the line.


*Central HQ*


Nina: Look how cute I am!

Gran: I have no lines in this episode.

Hakuro: I do!

Random State Alchemist Candidate: This downside of large-scale transmutation, where I can't seem to stand up again, is something you'll never see again.

Edward: In fact, it almost seems like a plot device to make me run forward and rescue him with my high-speed array-free transmutation ability! But no ... that can't be it ...

Bradley: How did you transmute rock into flower petals? Wait ... no ... I don't want to know.

*Edward Elric State Alchemist Qualification Exam - Passed*

Edward: You knew I'd pass, I'm a State Alchemist in the first episode. By the way Al, I'm going to stop hesitating now.

Alphonse: ... you were hesitating before? Holy shit, are you about to engage the warp drive?