Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 12 - Sareki no Daichi Kouhen ( Chapter 12 )

Edward!Russell: Damn, I told them not to interfere.

Edward: Maybe you'd feel better if you just revealed your true identity! Oh, wait, no ... that's me that would feel better if you just revealed your true identity ...

Alphonse!Fletcher: I'll fix the problem by pulling a tree out of nowhere. What's that? What do you mean, "equivalent trade"?

Edward: Looks like the mundanes get to run us off again ... I think I'll break this glass with my left shoulder, instead of my steel right one!


*Opening credits*

*Title card: Gravel Earth - Part Two*


Edward!Russell: Magic rocks are multi-purpose.

Magwar: Oh good, you're both safe! I guess that's my cue to let my slimy side show.

Edward!Russell: I'm not quite that ruthless yet.

Magwar: Oh well, time to trade you in for some new alchemists.

Edward!Russell: What the hell is that thing?

Magwar: It's a Plot Device. By the way, I didn't just read the Elrics' biographies in Who's Who of East City like you did. I also looked at their pictures! However, they were pictures from the manga, so I think that both of them have gold eyes, instead of just Edward.

Russell: Dammit! Does this mean I don't get to answer to Edward's name anymore?


*at Vercio's place*


Vercio: ... Why are you trying to sneak past me? I'm sitting right here and clearly awake.

Edward: Err ... but we were using our sneaky pose!

Elisa: *cough cough*

Vercio: Pay attention to her coughing. That can't just be the flu or something normal.

Edward: Even though I know you don't believe us, we'll tell you all about what we found up in the mansion.

Vercio: I dunno, at some point I apparently started to believe you ...

Edward: I'll just rehash the bit about Nash Tringham discovering the red water, for those who have missed or forgotten the previous episode.

Vercio: And I'll tell you all about him for no discernable reason. Lucky for you that it wasn't some random hobo on the street who was Nash's friend.

Edward: It's also lucky that you were standing around when Marcoh came by. Otherwise, this plot might have ground to a stubborn halt in just one or two more episodes!

Vercio: Damned straight. Remember that when you claim to be the most important character. Also note that in my flashback, I had built a stone fence straight across my road with no gate. Thereby proving that I am a loon.

Alphonse: Nii-san?

Edward: What?

Alphonse: ... When and why did we come out into the orchard, and why are you up in the tree like that?

Edward: ... because getting in touch with my inner monkey is the only way I can be taller than you.


*in Magwar's basement*


Magwar: You should have just listened to me and used "that" method!

Fletcher: What's "that" method?

Magwar: We make pregnant women drink the red water, of course. For some reason, it doesn't kill them. It's only toxic to inhale the fumes see, it's not dangerous at all to knock it back like jello shots.

Fletcher: Um ... how do you convince a pregnant woman to drink water that's Crest-of-Kindness pink? Do you kidnap them and force-feed it to them? Why doesn't anyone report these women missing?

Magwar: Nothing like that, we just tell them it's the latest craze in prenatal vitamin regimen! Eventually the red water crystallizes in the placenta.

Fletcher: ... and this is somehow supposed to be quicker than us distilling it down?

Russell: You said our father died from a sickness!

Magwar: Come on, I'm willing to sacrifice pregnant women to make my magic rocks, do you think I'd stop at lying to you?


*commercial break*


Magwar: I know that my pet fake Elrics caused you all kinds of trouble, but I'd like to ask a favor anyway.

Edward: I hate you.

Magwar: Check out my prototype magic rock!

Edward: What am I supposed to do with that?

Magwar: I want to save Xenotime!

Edward: ... Let me repeat myself. What am I supposed to do with that? In other words, what's in this for me other than the exciting thrill of sitting on my ass swirling red water around in a flask?

Magwar: Err ...

Edward: By the way, where are the fakes?

Magwar: In the basement, of course. ACK! You broke my magic rock!

Edward: Check out my fang!

Magwar: I have nothing against lying or murdering or doing unsavory things to pregnant women, but there's NO WAY IN HELL I'm going to want to watch Edward Elric punish somebody! I'm way too squeamish for that!

Alphonse: I have no lines in this scene at all but for this odd little sigh.


*in the basement*


Russell: Although I'm theoretically an alchemist, for some reason I'm incapable of improvising an array anywhere in this room and escaping.

Fletcher: Same here.

Edward: Although I have my own white whale to kill, I'm going to harangue you some about yours. Now scram.


*upstairs*


Edward: Well, I broke the magic rock and got Russell and Fletcher loose. My work is done here. Instead of saying that I have something to fetch in town and slipping quietly away, I feel a need to confront Magwar and piss him off.

Magwar: Hah, you forgot about my Plot Device, didn't you!

Edward: Yes, indeed, I can dodge bullets. Alchemist, ninja, or Jedi, you decide.

Magwar: I have lots more rocks in my pocket!

Edward: Luckily, this guy is just as good of a shot with a machine gun as Cornello. And equivalent trade doesn't seem to apply to him. What a shock for a guy with pocketful of magic rocks!

Russell: It doesn't apply to us either, we turned a weed into a 15-meter vine.

Alphonse: Nii-san, look!

Edward: An underground passage! That's so much worse than my having turned this guy into a smear! My angst about killing people hasn't quite developed yet ...


*in the tunnels*


Magwar: Time to haul out my Mad Ranting personality!

Edward: Time to haul out my Egotistical State Alchemist personality.

Alphonse: Nii-san, that's your normal personality.

Edward: Shut up.

Magwar: Rather than hand over this fountain, I will instead crawl into it. Nobody's died yet from bathing in red water.

Edward: That rock that turned Magwar into road pizza was not my responsibility! I still haven't killed anybody!


*outside*


Edward: There was a LOT more red water in there than it had looked! I have a great idea, let's trap ourselves in here with it ...

Fletcher: Although most alchemists use their hands to activate their arrays, I find that my forehead works better.

Edward: The trees are ... absorbing the red water?

Russell: Yeah, like tampons. You can thank Harukami (http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=harukami) for that delicious visual!

Alphonse: Tampons that ... grow ...

Edward: Eww, it got on my boots.

Fletcher: What exactly are we doing to dispose of these trees anyway?

Russell: Remember the Crystalline Entity from Star Trek: The Next Generation? Kinda like that.

Edward: Wow, for a couple of third-rate alchemists who couldn't even break out of a basement, this is some seriously large-scale alchemy you're pulling off here. And you didn't even fall to your knees unable to get up like that State Alchemist candidate from Episode 6!

Alphonse: And they did all of this with a single, easy-to-draw, apparently uber-versatile array!

Edward: ... I'm in the wrong line of work.


*at the train station*


Elisa: These are from Vercio-san!

Alphonse: ... Lemons. You're giving lemons to Nii-san and I. Is this a hint?

Edward: Only if you want it to be.

Russell: My abilities will come in handy if I work with Vercio.

Edward: As what? Is he going to be pimping you?

Russell: No, I'll be helping him around the orchard.

Edward: ... that makes so much more sense.

Russell: So ... do you want to know how to crystallize the red water?

Edward: No thanks, I like to duplicate research.

Elisa: When you come back to visit, I hope you're bigger!

Edward: Um ... You just gave us lemons and you're hoping I'll be bigger when I'm back ... things that make you go "hmmm ..."

Alphonse: Nii-san ... you're eyeing the lemons in my lap.

Edward: ... Umm ... no, I'm really eyeing this ... um ... LETTER!

Alphonse: Yeah ... letter ... right.