Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 16 - Ushinawaretamono ( Chapter 16 )

Fury: Hmm ... a tiny speck of dirt ...

Lust: Do your best!

Fury: This isn't an erection. It isn't!

Lust: Gluttony! How many times have we told you not to eat the sets?


*back at HQ*


Alphonse: Now that we've been dumped into this corner, let's chat.

Edward: Sure. I have one working hand, and a balled-up wad of paper. Let's chat about how just how I managed to un-wad it so fast.

Alphonse: When did Marcoh manage to scribble you that note?

Edward: I don't know.

Alphonse: Why did he suddenly change his mind about giving us any information?

Edward: Don't know that either.

Alphonse: Why didn't this note take any water damage when he dropped on the ground in a rainy alley?

Edward: Stop thinking, Al.


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Lost Thing*


Bradley: Ready for some exposition?

Mustang: Do I have a choice? By the way, what are you going to do about my blatantly protecting a deserter?

Bradley: Nothing, of course. If we had you court-martialed, we'd have to break in a new character, and God knows we don't want to waste time with that a third of the way into the series.

Mustang: I'm far, far sexier than you are. Good journey. *leaves*

Bradley: For some reason, I feel a burning need to drop a non sequitur ... now let's see, what would be random enough ... Ah, yes. The Philosopher's Stone does not exist.

Mustang: As you can see, I'm fine.

Hawkeye: Don't pay any attention to this soft look I'm giving you.

Mustang: Cover it by getting annoyed at my Teflon-coated ability to slide out of discipline.

Hawkeye: Good idea. Maybe you'd straighten up if you'd get punished every now and then!

Mustang: And you're just the woman to do it. Where's your dominatrix outfit?

Alphonse: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

Mustang: Sounds like Armstrong's taken off his shirt again.

Armstrong: Creation exists after destruction!

Audience: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! MY EYES!

Edward: I can't do anything about Alphonse until my arm is fixed. Because to actually draw an array would just be too much damned work. To draw one to fix my own arm is also just impossible. In fact, let's forget that I ever knew how to use an array.

Hawkeye: Sure thing. So if you can't use alchemy at all ...

Havoc: ... that gives us license to be insensitive pricks to a teenaged kid who a couple of hours ago was a millisecond away from having his brain gush out his ears.

Edward: Thanks. You remember Winry, right, Colonel?

Mustang: Sure. I saw a useless alchemist cry out in pain there. "Ouch, it hurts, I think I'm going to wet my pants!" Like that, right?

Edward: ... way to kick a guy when he's down, Mustang. Were you in the same episode I was? I recall being unconscious, and I think being recently dismembered sort of justifies any exclamations of pain I may have made off-screen.

Mustang: Don't mind me, I'm just pretending to be half my actual age. I'm trying to fit in.

Edward: Oh, fine. I'm above this.

Hughes: So if you're going all the way to Central ...

Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY EYES! MY EYES! He ... has no nipples ...

Armstrong: I'll escort you!

Edward: Wearing clothes, I hope.


*at the station*


Alphonse: I should have seen this coming.

Edward: There's no way I'll be able to sleep sideways in the seat with Armstrong taking up three fourths of it ... his ass is as wide as I am tall.

Hughes: Hey there! I have an insulting message from Mustang.

Edward: No problem, I'm over my post-traumatic stress reaction and have an equally insulting message to send back.

Hughes: Excellent, you're back to normal. Here's some exposition for you. It's something you should have already figured out, given that you're a genius, but I guess you've had other things on your mind.

Edward: Yeah, like figuring out how to keep the right side of my coat from falling off my shoulder.

Hughes: Before I go, I'll announce where you're going, just in case anyone, such as this newspaper-hawking munchkin beside me, wants to know where someone could catch up with you.

Scar: Thanks! Because my mother always told me to finish what I started, and all those other State Alchemists are unimportant compared with Fullmetal. Now, watch closely for my Darkwing Duck impression!


*random hotel room*


Lust: Don't conclude anything from the fact that I'm meeting you in a seedy hotel room, and am dressed like a hooker. I'm just here for information.

Marcoh: Unlike Edward, I still remember how to draw an array.

Lust: Too bad it can't save you. I grabbed the 1-up out in the hallway.

Marcoh: Drat! This is the last time you'll see me.

Lust: You were fun while you lasted!


*commercial break*


Edward: No, I'm just here to chat with Al, not to sodomize the sheep. I may be a country boy, but I'm not that desperate. Wait ... Where's my brother?

Armstrong: What's wrong?

Edward: It was your idea to treat Al like luggage. And what is more luggage-like behavior than to get misdirected to the wrong destination?

Armstrong: Now hold on a second. You can't go anywhere before ... I rip the leg of your pants off!

Edward: ...

Armstrong: Calm down, Edward Elric.

Edward: Let's leave your little sister in a box by herself in the middle of nowhere and see if you repeat that statement.


*at the last stop*


Alphonse: Note to self - don't listen to Armstrong anymore.

Kid: Look, an unguarded suit of armor! I'll just help myself to it.

Edward: Dammit, Al is gone! But he couldn't have just walked away!

Random Railway Official: I recognize that drawing as the armor in the crate, yep. But I was too busy masturbating to actually, y'know, watch it and make some someone didn't swipe it.

Armstrong: Now now, Ed, don't go running off. It's not like you can look out for yourself or anything.

Edward: While this reference to Ishbal seems random, it does have the desired effect of getting your hand the fuck off of me.

Girl: Coming as I do from an extremely larcenous family, I have no qualms about cold-cocking you with this conveniently-placed ladder and wooden crate and stealing your automail leg. So much for the hospitality of the country folk. And I'll come to the decision that I want to do this, and set up my trap for you, in about five seconds.

Edward: I wish I hadn't left my wits back on the train ... But damn, this leaves me pretty much crippled. Not to mention unattractive. Dammit. I guess it's a good thing that the house where the next scene takes place is right around the corner.


*elsewhere*


Alphonse: Hey kid!

Kid: Eep!

Alphonse: None of our conversation is going to have any bearing on anything, but it'll give time for Nii-san to get some moral guidance back in town.

Kid: I'm not going to question just how this armor is talking with me, or what this big rust-red array in the back of it is for. You're a pretty good suit of armor. I'll be okay even if they use a gun against me.

Alphonse: Unless they hit you in the giant gaping hole that Scar ripped through me.

Kid: ... oh yeah.


*back at the house*


Old Guy: Sorry about that. She was just trying to help me out.

Edward: By stealing my limbs. Great family you've got here. You've got good eyes to spot this. It's not like Armstrong ripped my pants so it would be dead obvious or anything. If you want, I can introduce you to the mechanic who made it.

Old Guy: What, you think I've never heard of automail? I have my reasons for not wanting a replacement leg. And if you give me a second, I'm sure I can think up some lame way to tie alchemy in with my story.

Girl: I'll just step out and let you menfolk talk. We of the female gender aren't interested in deep philosophical stuff.

Edward: It all comes back to Ishbal doesn't it?

Old Guy: Naturally. If we didn't make this tie in with the plot somehow, you might think this entire trip to our town was just annoying filler. But, to reward you for listening to my long, rambling hint about equivalent trade, I'll give you this soulful harmonica rendition of "Bratja" to listen to.

Edward: Bah. If I let you beat sense into my head this early in the series, we'll never get to the interesting parts. Thanks for the drink. Sorry I smashed your glass up on the floor in my momentary fit of wild insanity.

Old Guy: It's no problem! Thanks for dropping by!

Edward: Now then ... there's something I'm forgetting ...

Girl: O-nii-chan is back!

Edward: Oh yeah! My brother! Running randomly down country roads calling his name should do the trick of finding him.

Alphonse: What took you so long to find me?

Edward: The script distracted me.


*later*


Edward: Hey Al, do you think it's possible that Mustang came to Baa-chan's house all those years ago for some reason that didn't revolve around us?

Alphonse: No way!

Armstrong: Here I am again! Lest you get the impression that dragging yourselves down to the train station at your usual leisurely speed is acceptable!

Audience: Dammit, Edward! We thought you'd ditched him!

Edward: I tried!