Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Lonely Mornings ❯ Epilogue and Indulgence ( Chapter 11 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Riza Hawkeye always followed orders from her colonel, even if they were a unusual, strange, or unpleasant. Roy Mustang knew this, so he really had no reason to be surprised when she showed up in his office bearing a particular document.

He still was though.

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"Excuse me, sir," Hawkeye said, as she went to his desk and saluted. "I have that report you requested."

Roy was busy with his paperwork. He waved his hand toward a pile on the edge of his desk. "Fine, fine, put it with the others."

Hawkeye didn't move. "With all due respect, sir, I think you want to take a look at this report right now. It's one you specifically ordered me to prepare."

Something in her voice caused Roy to stop his work and look up at her. He frowned. "I don't remember asking you to do any reports for me, lieutenant."

Her face calm, Hawkeye said, "Nonetheless, sir, you did ask me to write this, and I have it here for you now." She held out the folder to him.

Curiosity piqued he took it from her hands. The outside itself looked normal, no different than the hundreds of other folders that had filtered through his office that week. But when he opened the folder, and saw the title of the report he knew why she insisted he read it now. The cover read:

"A Detailed Examination of the Cultural, Physical, and Societal Phenomenon Known as Roy Mustang's Penis."

Roy's jaw dropped. His mouth worked, but nothing came out. When he was able to speak his voice was small. "I-I can't believe you actually wrote it..."

"Of course, colonel." Hawkeye said, her tone mildly reproving, "As I said before, you did order me to write this and get it to you by midweek. I have done that, sir."

Roy stared at her in shock. "You actually took me seriously?"

Hawkeye frowned. "I take every order seriously, sir."

He flipped through the report, blushing when he read certain parts. After a minute he looked back up at her. "This is very.... thorough."

She nodded. "That was my intention, sir. I tried to go into as much detail as possible."

Roy continued scanning the pages. His eyebrows rose and his blush deepened as he reached one particular page.

Hawkeye noticed his reaction. "Are you looking at page 21 then, sir?"

With trouble he turned his eyes away from the paper in front of him. "Er, no I'm on page 11."

"Ah," Hawkeye said knowingly, "That is a particularly interesting part as well, but page 21 has illustrations."

Eyes wide, Roy quickly flipped to page 21. There were indeed illustrations. Labeled illustrations. "Er, did you draw these yourself, lieutenant?"

Again she nodded. "Yes, sir. I apologize for any inaccuracies. I had to draw from memory, as reference pictures were unavailable."

He studied the drawings, even going so far as to turn the page upside down. "Actually I do believe these are accurate. I'm particularly impressed with the precision you showed in drawing the underside view. That- that must have been hard to do..."

"Yes, sir, it was. I was unsure of all the exact placement of certain things in that view, so I drew them as best as I could."

Roy frowned as his eyes flickered over the report again. "Where exactly did you get all the information for this... document?" Part of him was rather nervous about hearing her answer.

Hawkeye scratched her nose, and blushed lightly. "It's mostly from personal experience, sir, backed up by certain medical texts-" Roy relaxed at hearing her answer. She didn't seem to notice and continued. "Though I feel the most interesting material came from the interviews I conducted."

He looked up at her in shock. "I-Interviews? With who?"

She gestured to the report. "It's all listed in the bibliography, colonel."

Quickly he turned to the back of the document, running his finger down the list of sources. His eyes widened as he reached a familiar name. "You interviewed Havoc?"

She nodded, with the slightest hint of a smile on her face. "Of course, sir. You, yourself, told me that he has firsthand experience with the object in question."

"Oh, god...." he muttered before turning back to the list. He reached the "S" section before he found another familiar name. "Why in the hell did you interview Sciezka? She has absolutely no firsthand knowledge about my p-, er, about this subject."

Hawkeye gazed at him, her face expressionless. "I felt it necessary to provide an objective outside opinion from a respected researcher. She was able to provide insight into certain aspects of the general public's views on the subject."

Roy didn't hear the last of her reply, because he had just spotted yet another name on the list. It was a name that he had learned to fear above all others. All the color drained out of his face as he read, "Snarfwoggler IV, Horatio T."

Terror soaked his voice as he whispered, "You- You interviewed Bubbles?"

"Why, yes, colonel," she replied, her tone betraying nothing, "I had first thought he could provide more general knowledge on the topic, but..." Roy whimpered as she continued, "Imagine my surprise when he turned out to also have first-hand experience!"

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Lord, please kill me now," he muttered.

Riza shifted and looked at the floor. "I do hope you will forgive me though, sir."

Roy peeked at her through a gap in his fingers. "Why?"

She looked up at him, finally letting a small smile through on her face. "I have not yet been able to finish the oral portion of the report, colonel."

The gap widened, and more of his face became visible. "Oral portion?" he asked curiously.

She nodded. "Included in your initial orders, sir, was that I present an oral report to you as well."

Roy dropped his hands to his desk. A ghost of a smirk appeared on his lips. "When will you have it ready then, lieutenant?"

She considered. "I think I will have it ready for presentation by this evening, sir."

"Yes, that will work," he said, smirk growing, "I will be greatly looking forward to it."

"Until tonight then, sir," Riza said, picking up the report and saluting.

"Until tonight," he echoed. She went toward the door, and had her hand on it when his voice stopped her. "Oh, lieutenant?"

She turned slightly, "Yes, colonel?"

The smirk was present in full force. "Bring that report with you, tonight. I'm in the mood for some.... bedside reading."

"Of course, sir," she said, a small smile on her lips. She would bring the report tonight when she presented her "oral report."

After all, it was an order. And Riza Hawkeye always followed her colonel's orders, no matter how unusual, strange, or unpleasant they may be.

But sometimes the colonel's orders weren't unpleasant at all. Sometimes they could be downright pleasurable....

Those were the orders that Riza Hawkeye followed best.

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Author's Great Indulgence

Leaning back in her chair, and stretching, Anne sighed. "Finally got that damn fanfic done."

"Not bad, chief," Havoc said, reading the computer over her shoulder, "Not bad at all."

The author looked up in surprise at the blonde second lieutenant. "What are you doing here?"

Havoc stepped back and leaned against the desk next to Anne's chair. "The colonel told me to come read the Author's Notes or something along those lines."

Anne frowned. "Lord, I'm doing that again? Having a character from the story read the Author's Notes? It's been five years since I've done that."

Taking a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket, Havoc said, "Hey, it's been five years since you wrote a fanfic."

Anne sighed. "Point taken." She glared at the cigarette in his hand. "You are not smoking that in here."

Havoc grinned. "Like you can stop me."

Quick as a flash Anne pulled a gun from a drawer and aimed it at his head. Havoc froze, and looked at the gun then her with a raised eyebrow. "You have guns?"

Anne rolled her eyes. "I'm a Hawkeye cosplayer. Of course, I have guns!"

Havoc's brow furrowed as he studied the gun barrel. "Wait, that's a toy gun! It has an orange tip on it! Man, don't worry me like that..." He moved to light his cigarette, but was stopped as a thin stream of water soaked both it and his face.

"Just because it's a toy gun doesn't mean it's useless," Anne said grinning.

Sighing, Havoc put his lighter away and dropped the now useless sodden cancer stick in the trashcan. "Look, can I just read these damn notes and get this over with?"

"Sure, sure," the author said, rummaging around in the mess on the desk before finding a piece of paper and shoving it in Havoc's hands, "Here just read this."

Havoc took a deep breath and began, "Let's see.... 'Thanks to the creators and crew of the Fullmetal Alchemist anime and manga...' Yeah that's to be expected. 'Thanks to my husband who for some reason finds fart jokes to be hysterical...'"

Havoc looked up at Anne. "What's wrong with fart jokes?"

The author rolled her eyes and muttered something along the lines of "Men!"

Havoc blinked in surprise, then shrugged and returned to the paper. "'Thanks to the reviewers on fanfiction dot net and those who commented on Livejournal...' If I recall you didn't get all that many reviews did you?"

Anne frowned considering. "Well, I kind of did. I had 117 reviews at last count, which is wonderful. However, I had over 10000 hits on my story, which means only about 1% of the people who read the story reviewed. But I'm not going to complain, I love every review or piece of feedback I get, and am extremely grateful to the people who make them."

"Yeah, yeah," Havoc said, scratching his nose, "Spare me the smaltz will ya? What else we got here... 'Not that anyone cares, but the book Havoc was reading in Chapter Three was The Ruined Cottage and the Pedlar by James A. Butler. It's a book of criticism and insight about the poetry of William Wordsworth. It's a bit dry, but otherwise very well-written.' Hold on.... Isn't James A. Butler your dad?"

Anne blushed and looked at the ground. "M-maybe...."

Havoc frowned. "But doesn't that strike a bit of nepotism? I mean your dad's work is college level, and most of the readers are still in high school. It's unlikely they'll understand all of it, or even find it interesting..." He stopped when he noticed her staring at him with surprised expression. "What?"

Anne replied, "Nothing really, I'm just shocked you know that."

"About your dad's books you mean?" Havoc asked.

She shook her head. "No, I'm surprised you know what nepotism means."

Havoc shot her an angry glare. "Now look here, I've had just about enough of you fanfic authors portraying me as a dumbass!"

Grinning, Anne said, "Well, if the characterization fits...."

He rolled his eyes and smiled. "That's enough out of you!" Havoc said, playfully whapping her on the head. "I gotta admit that you're nicer to me then most, though. You even gave me a girlfriend before Mustang got one."

Anne smiled and moved the bangs out of her eyes. "What can I say? I like you and Sciezka as a couple. Better than you and Mustang or you and Armstrong, which seems to be two of the more prevalent couplings for you."

Havoc shivered. "Ugh, no yaoi for me thanks. Hey, you think I can get a sex scene at some point?"

The author rubbed her nose in thought. "I don't know. I'll have to see. I do like your character, and but I don't think I can write you in a lemon all that well..." She pondered for a moment. "How about I let you look at that Riza / Sciezka doujin I found instead?"

His eyes widened. "A Riza / Sciezka doujin? Are they, er, you know?"

"Fucking like weasels? Yes," Anne answered, "And Sciezka is the dominant one."

Grinning hugely, Havoc said, "Hot damn! I need to see this!"

Anne nodded and went to retrieve the laptop. She loaded up Safari and soon found the website in question. "Here," she said handing the laptop to Havoc, "Just push the arrow to go to the next page."

Havoc licked his lips. "I'm, uh, gonna go to the bathroom." He grabbed the laptop. "I'll just take this with me, so you know, it doesn't get stolen or something."

The author rolled her eyes. "Just be careful with it."

Havoc nodded, then disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door after himself. After a minute he said, "Damn, this is pretty hot!"

"I guess if you like Yuri it is," Anne yelled back, "The Japanese certainly can draw interesting sex scenes."

"Damn straight!" Havoc returned. "Hey, wait a minute....."

A devious smile broke out on Anne's face. Yes, he should just about be reaching that point in the manga....

"OH MY GOD!" Havoc screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHY DO THEY....?"

Grinning evilly, Anne said, "Oh, did I forget to mention it's a futanari doujin? And that means both Hawkeye and Sciezka have extraordinarily large penises?"

"HOLY-! I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BLIND!"

"Or that there's some Elicest in there too? And that Al is still a suit of armor?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Hearing his anguished screams, Anne nodded sagely. "I was wondering if he'd make it to the naked pictures of Armstrong."

"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

She rested her arms on the desk and rested her head in her hands. "What did you do, my dear Havoc?" Anne said lightly, "Why nothing much. It's not your fault that it's so much fun to mess with your wicked little mind."

Anne paused then added. "Though next time you want to discuss my favorite character's bra size, I wouldn't do it where the author can hear you."

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Thank you all for reading.

-Anne Packrat (May 23, 2006)