Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Spiked ❯ Spiked Coffee ( Chapter 1 )

YAY!!! Really all this is, is a fanfic where I make everyone kinda drunkish, so I have fun with it. It was originally a one shot, but I am gonna continue with it.

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist I don't own.

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Central…

Ed and Al are both in the cafeteria, snacking on…..stuff.

“Heh he heh.” I say quietly, sneaking past them and into Roy's office. I hold in my hand a concoction I have created, to render anyone who drinks it in a large drunken state without the liver damage and whatnot.

Roy was at his desk, hard at work. He snored loudly.

I snuck in, giggling to myself. Quietly, I poured it into Roy's coffee, then poured it into the coffee machine just in case. When they got a coffee machine, I don't know.

“WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!” I laughed, throwing my head back.

“THE HELL?!” Roy yelled, waking up.

I stared at him.

He stared at me.

“Drink your coffee.” I said, running off.

Roy blinked, staring at his coffee. He shrugged, gulping it down.

“GIMME A CORN MUFFIN, STAT!!!” I yelled at the café guy.

He stared at me, giving me a corm muffin. “That'll be $1.75.” He said.

“WHAT?! THAT MUCH FOR A CORN MUFFIN?!” I roared, smashing something hard into his head and running off.

“Ayumi!!” Ed yelled.

I ran over to him. “Yes my love?” I asked.

“Shut up!” He said, eating his donut.

I blinked. “YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!” I yelled, but sat down and ate my corm muffin quietly.

“Brother, don't forget you had to go to Colonel Mustang.” Al said, gulping down his juice.

“Crap, you're right!” Ed said, running off.

Al and I looked at each other, and followed him.

Ed knocked on Roy's door. “Mustang?” He asked.

Roy's giggles answered him.

I whistled innocently, then stopped.

Ed stared at me, then opened the door.

Roy was lying on his desk, giggling and staring at the ceiling.

“Mustang?” Ed asked.

Roy looked at him. “FULLMETAL----“ He yelled. “Cupcake.” He said, holding one up.

We stare at him.

“RAUGH!!! MONKEYS ARE FLYING FROM PLANET KRYPNOCK!!!” Roy yelled suddenly, falling off his desk and rolling all over the floor.

“Gawd, he lost his mind.” Al said, shaking his head.

Jean walked in, smoking his cigarettes. “Yo.” He said.

I gasped. “YOU FOOL!!!! SMOKING KILLS!!!” I yelled, snatching his cigarette and stomping on it.

“NUUUU!!!” Jean yelled. He lit up another one.

“JEANY-BABY!!” Roy yelled, hopping up and hugging Jean.

“FOR THE LOVE OF--GET THE HELL OFF ME!!!” Jean yelled.

“Have some coffee!! It really yum yum!!” Roy said, forcing coffee down Jean's throat.

“Oh crap…” I muttered.

Jean sputtered, and choked but still drank the coffee. “What the hell?” He said.

Ed stared at him.

Jean put his hand on his chin, nodding slowly. “Interesting……” He said. Then he got on the ground, doing the worm and singing “It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!”

“IT'S THE COFFEE!!! IT'S CURSED!!!” I yelled.

Ed looked at me. “You did this.” He said.

“NO, I DIDN'T!!!” I yelled, bursting to tears.

“Yeah, you did.” Ed said.

“So?” I asked.

Al ignored us, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Ed gasped. “AL, NUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!” He said in slow motion, running over to him, also in slow motion.

Al just looked at him, and gulped it down.

“Damn…” Ed said.

Roy and Jean started tangoing. Jean held a rose in his mouth, and dipped Roy.

“Whee!!” Roy said.

Al jumped up on the desk. “YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!” He yelled.

Roy and Jean yelled “WHAT?!”

I gulped down some coffee.

“NUMA TIME!!!” Al yelled, striking a disco pose.

“YAY!!!” I yelled.

Ed sighed, the only sane person in the room.

“Allo!!” I said, sneaking behind Ed and pouring the concoction down his throat.

“Salut!” Roy and Jean said together, saluting Al.

“Sin yel, un hydook!” Al said, flipping of the desk.

“She teraw?” Roy asked Jean, pointing to me.

“Youbeera mah.” Jean said, shrugging.

“Primesh der?!” I said, slapping Roy.

“Vericheera!” Ed joined in, pointing to Roy and laughing.

“Allo, allo!” Jean said, shaking Al and Ed's hand.

“Sint yel?” Ed asked Al.

“Picasso!!” I said, pointing to a demented picture.

“Tiam dat beep.” Roy said, rubbing his cheek.

“She sen voynic.” Al said, sighing.

“UN DAR SEGE TI NOTES CHER NIMEEK?!!!!” I yelled.

“Vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay.” Al sang, clapping his hands.

“Numa numa i-ay. Numa numa numa i-ay.” Ed sang, starting to breakdance.

“Kipul tow she dragosta din tay.” Roy sang, doing the cha cha.

“Ma mintesc day oki ti-ay.” I finished, bowing.

“But why?!” Jean cried, falling to his knees. “WHY?!”

“Because young grasshopper. I SAID SO!!” Al yelled, kicking Jean in the gut.

“YOW, MY APPENDIX!!!” Jean yelled.

Roy and Ed sat on a couch, giggling.

Roy stroked Ed's hair, then kissed him on the lips.

“WAUGH!!!! OH GAWD, I NEED SOAP!!!” Ed yelled, running away.

“I got soap AND pudding!” Jean said, giving them to Ed.

“FUCK YOU!!” Ed said, eating both.

Roy started crying. “Ed hates me!”

“YOU DAMN RIGHT I HATE YOU!!” Ed yelled.

“GUYS STOP!!” I yelled.

Everything stopped.

“Look, I shall teach the history of the world.” I said.

“YAY!!!” Al said, sitting on the couch.

Jean grabbed some popcorn.

Ed brushed his teeth, spitting into Jean's popcorn.

Roy continued to cry.

“Okay! For centuries, dinosaurs roamed the Earth!!” I said. “oooWAAAAHRIIIIII!!!!” I bellowed.

Jean ate his popcorn. “WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST EAT?!”

“oooooWAAAAAAAHRIIIIIII!!!!” I bellowed again.

“WAAAAAAAAAYraaaAAAOOOOOOH!!!!!” Roy answered.

“And then a giant comet came and smashed them all to bits!!” I yelled, smashing my fist into Roy's desk and breaking it in half.

“OH NOES!! THE POOR DINOES!!!” Al yelled.

“Oh they're fine. They just all died horrible deaths.” Ed said.

“Oh, okay.” Al said.

“AND US HUMANS WERE MADE!!” I said.

“YAY!!!”

“But horrible wars were made, and it was HELL ON EARTH!!! Until something called anime made peace.” I said smiling widely.

Roy yawned. “Boring.”

“WELL, FUCK YOU!!!” I yelled.

“I HATE YOU!!” Jean yelled. “I'M LEAVING!!”

“OH NOES!!! WE CAN'T, WE'RE TRAPPED HERE!!!” I yelled, pointing to the wide open door.

“AUGH!!! WE'LL STARVE TO DEATH!!” Ed yelled.

“I'M NOT EATING ED EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SHRIMP!!” Roy yelled, pounding his fists on the couch.

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A TORTLE!?!?!” Ed yelled.

“WHAT THE HELL IS A TORTLE?!” Jean yelled.

“Duh. A cross of a turtle and a tortoise.” Ed said.

“A chortle?” Al asked.

“CH-CH-CH-CHIA!!!” I sang.

Jean stared at me. “What the hell?”

“The ch sound remind me of it.” I said plainly.

“NUUUUUU!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!” Roy yelled.

“We might as well enjoy ourselves in our last hours.” Jean said sadly.

“I know!” Ed said, folding his arms. “Jean, gimme a beat!”

Jean started beatboxing, or rather, spitting awkwardly into his hand.

Everyone stared at him.

“Al give me a beat!” Ed said.

“I wanna give a beat!” Roy cried.

“Too bad!” Ed yelled as Al started beatboxing.

I nodded my head with the beat.

“There once was a cookie named Steeve. Who fell off a bridge to a bloody death and all his guts came out and noone ever knew.” He rapped.

“Why?! Oh, why?!” Jean rapped, shaking his fists at the sky.

“Except…me!” I rapped, striking a dramatic pose.

Everyone else gasped.

“For you see, I only did what I had to do. And that is true.” I rapped. “I killed the cook!”

“The crook?” Roy rapped.

“THE COOK!!” I rapped back. “And now you see why, it's time to die.” I rapped, holding up a cookie with a face on it. “No more light with a one eyed bite.” I said, turning off the light and biting Steeve's eye off.

“YEEEEEEEEKKK!!!” Al screamed.

“Good bye, good bye. No more Steeve.” I rapped, finishing Steeve off.

“NUU!!” Roy yelled, springing to his feet. “You murderer!!!”

Ed and Al stood at Steeve's grave. “We'll miss him.” Ed said sadly. Al nodded.

“Eeeh, Macarena!” Jean sang suddenly.

Al pressed a button, and music from La Macarena floated in.

I walked into the middle of the room, wearing Spanish clothes.

“WHOO!! HOT CHAMAMA!!” Roy yelled.

I winked, dancing.

“WHOO!!” Ed yelled.

“When I dance they call me Macarena! All the boys they say I'm muy buena. They all want me, they can't have me, so they come and dance beside me.” I sang, as Ed, Al, Jean and Roy start dancing with me. “Move with me, jam with me, and if your good I'll take you home with me.” I sang, taking Ed's hand and pulling him toward me.

“A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tehuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. HEY MACERENA!” Jean sang.

“A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tehuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. HEY MACERENA!” Ed, Roy and Al sang.

“Ya'll got no idea what ya'll are sayin, do ya?” I asked.

“Nope.” Ed answered.

I shrugged. “Now don't you worry `bout my boyfriend. The boy who's name is Roy Mustang.” I said, draping myself around Roy.

Roy smiled, giggling.

“HA! I don't want him! Can't stand him. He was no good so I- Ahahahahaa!!” I sang, pushing Roy hard away from me.

Roy tripped, falling to the ground and started crying. He crawled over to a corner and sobbed in his gloom.

Jean looked at me, shaking his head.

I looked at Jean. “Now, come on. What was I supposed to do…? He was outta town. And his two friends were soooo fine.” I said, wrapping myself on Ed and Al.

Ed and Al grinned at each other.

“A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tehuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. HEY MACERENA!” Jean sang.

“A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tehuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. HEY MACERENA!” Jean, Al and Ed sang.

“Come and find me, my name is Macarena. Always at the party `cause the chicos think I'm buena. Come join me, dance with me and all your fellows chat around with me!” I said as we all danced again.

“A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tehuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. HEY MACERENA!” We finished together.

“PUMPKINS!!” Jean yelled.

“Jinkies, looks like we've got a mystery to solve, gang!” Roy said, wearing glasses.

“Roh oh.” Jean said, gulping and in a dog suit.

Ed peered at the ground. He shook his head. “Looks like this person was beaten the crap outta, ripped in half, strangled by his colon, and forced to listen to Barney.” He said, staring at nothing.

“Gee Fred, who would do such a thing?” I asked, suddenly dressed in a sexy outfit.

“This is one sick man.” Al said, scratching his head.

“Rick ran. Ruh huh.” Jean said, nodding. “Rim rared Raggy.”

Al patted Jean's head. “I don't kno what the hell you just said Scoob.”

“Jinkies!” Roy exclaimed.

“We have to split up! Me and Daphne and Scoob, Velma and Shaggy okay? Break!” Ed said, taking my hand and pulling me to another side of the room.

“Fred, why do I always end up being with you?” I asked.

“Cause it's my way of copping a feel.” Ed said.

“RAT RHE RELL?! RED'S A RERVERT!!!” Jean yelled.

“JINKIES, SPEAK ENGLISH DAMMIT!!!” Roy yelled.

“This is strange. Lets stop.” Al said.

“Can I stay in this outfit? It makes me look sexy.” I said.

“Everything you wear makes you look sexy.” Roy said, winking at him.

I answer by kicking him in the nuts.

“OWW!! ME NACHOS!!” Roy yelled, clutching his groin.

Ed shook his head. “You have no idea how that hurts.” Ed said.

“Whateva.” I said.

“I'm serious! When you girls get hit there you only go `Oww.' For us it hurts like hell. Like, the worst pain eva.” Ed said, wincing.

“Oh? More painful then childbirth?!” I said, putting my hands on my hips.

Ed stared at me, eyes twitching. “No. Guess you're right.”

“I'm always right.” I said, kissing Ed.

Jean sighed. “I want my coconut.” He moaned.

“Coconut?” Al asked.

Jean nodded. “She left me for kiwi!” He sobbed.

Al patted his shoulder.

“PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT AND SHAKE THEM BOTH TOGETHER!!!” I yelled, then sickened myself and threw up.

Roy poked my vomit, and licked his finger. “Needs salt.”

Ed laughed loudly. “FUCK YOU!!!!” He roared at Roy.

Roy cried.

That's all for this chapter! Complete randomness eh? Please review cause reviews make me feel warm inside…when they're good.