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Warnings: Abuse of (but not limited to) the following: Tasuki, Clichés, Monty Python, Duo, Quatre, Tamahome, and some Very Ugly Imagery. Also contains Slash and naked bishounen. If none of the above bothers you, I doubt the cuss words will.

Disclaimer: I do not own Monty Python, Ranma ½, Fushigi Yuugi or any skits or characters belonging to any of them. If this randomness keeps up, the disclaimer will end up longer than the fic!

AN: Just a quick note, but I swear I had written the part about Chichiri's mask before Nagi posted her fic "Paint Brush", which contains something very close to the same Tasuki-tormenting idea and is a very sweet fic. I would have cut it, but unfortunately it's a telling clue to what is going on in Chichiri's head, no da, and the reasoning behind the action is quite different. All will be explained in the next chapter. And hopefully, Nagi won't mind - great minds think alike, right? *gulp*

To Sakata: Why Spring of Drowned Donkey? Because it was my half-assed attempt at humor, of course! Hey…you asked! ^_^

Tasuki and the Hentai Monks

by Xellas M.

Chapter 4

Tasuki walked slowly, knowing that the mage and the young student wouldn't be able to move very fast but knowing his presence wouldn't be welcome. But as he rounded a curve in the path and the monastery came into view, all thoughts of watching his pace fled from his mind. A heavenly glow lit the sky above the building, emanating from an achingly familiar red ribbon fluttering in the breeze.

The mark on his forearm began to glow as the fire seishi realized that this could only be the shinzaho created by the summoning of Suzaku. All thoughts of his personal issues were temporarily set aside as he used his speed to run back to the building.

* * * * *

When he arrived, he was greeted at the door by Duo, Quatre, the mysterious spiky-haired boy and a fourth boy, not clad in the outfit of a monk but in tight-fitting blue pants and a green shirt.

"What happened?" The fire seishi burst out impatiently, not bothering to stop for pleasantries.

Four blank stares were his only answer.

"Are you blind?" Tasuki practically shouted, pointing wildly at the roof of the monastery. "The Shinzaho is somewhere in this building an' I wanna know why!"

Three of the four stares became suddenly accusing and moved their focus to the braided monk. The fourth set of eyes, which happened to belong to Duo, rolled upwards in a very unconvincing imitation of innocence.

"Duo." It was Duo's lover who spoke, his voice quiet and threatening. "Did you light the Shinzaho-shaped beacon again?"

The violet-eyed boy pretended he hadn't heard, instead whistling a little tune.

"Bet he did." Quatre chimed in. "Just look at him!"

"He's probably not talking because he can't deny it without lying." As the fourth young man spoke, Tasuki noticed that behind his strange-looking bangs his eyes were a remarkable shade of green.

Apparently this argument was irrefutable, for the whistling boy suddenly switched tactics. He wrapped his arms around his lover and put on what was probably his best puppy-dog face. It wasn't any more convincing than the innocent look had been. "Aw, but Hiiro, I just wanted to have a little fun, ne? It gets so boring around here. Besides, have you *seen* what babes those Seishi are?"

"You know what this means, don't you?" Hiiro growled at his boyfriend.

"I get a spanking?" Duo asked hopefully.

Quatre looked like he was warming up to the idea and turned to the green-eyed boy with a wicked grin. Before the blond could turn a little, random scene into a full-blown piece of hentai naughtiness, Tasuki interrupted.

"Where's the infirmary?"

"Next to Happosai's office." It was the tall boy with the strange bangs who answered. He seemed to be relieved at the change of topic.

"Thanks! I'm Tasuki, by the way."

Quatre blushed. "Oh, sorry. Tasuki, this is Trowa. He helps take care of the animals around here." Somehow the little blond managed to insert a very obvious silent 'MY' in front of the word 'Trowa'.

"Horses?" The redhead's face looked a little bit ill.

"Lions and tigers, mostly." Trowa answered.

"Aa." The fire seishi said.

"Do yourself a favor." Duo piped in. "Don't ask."

"Anyway, if you're looking for Chichiri-sama, he's not there." Quatre spoke again. Somehow the redhead doubted either Trowa or Hiiro did a lot of talking.

"But - "

"WuFei managed to hobble in on his own." The braided monk laughed. "It was really funny, he was like, all over Chichiri-sama and then he saw us and suddenly decided he didn't need any help, after all. Must've hurt like hell, but he'll be all right. He said some jerk got in a lucky hit. It happens."

Even though he was glad his rival hadn't suffered any real, permanent damage, it did not quite stop Tasuki from seething at Duo's description. That little faker!

"Never mind then, thanks." Tasuki responded. "I think I'll just go take a bath."

"Oh, you don't want to do that NOW, Tasuki-san." Quatre's liquid eyes were filled with concern. "This is when Happosai-sama takes *his* bath. No one goes in there now. If you like, I can come let you know when he is done."

For all that he had gone through since arriving at the monastery, the monks really weren't half bad, he mused. He threw a grateful smile at the small monk and said, "Thanks, I owe ya one."

* * * * *

Tired, the fire seishi took a short nap in his room until he was awakened by a light knock on the door. It was Quatre.

"Sorry to wake you, Tasuki-san, but the bath is empty if you still need one."

The bandit got up and began walking out the door, but the blond stopped him. "I recommend you leave everything you can back here, there isn't a lot of room to hang stuff."

Tasuki stripped down until he was wearing only his pants and carrying a small towel. Thankfully, he followed the smaller man to the bath.

"After you!" Said Quatre, smiling. There was a mischievous gleam in his big open eyes, but the fire seishi did not catch it in time.

* * * * *

The door swung shut behind him, but Tasuki ignored it. The sight that greeted his golden eyes was more beautiful than he could even begin to process.

The bathhouse was not very large. It had no windows and only a single door - the one through which the stunned seishi had just been pushed. There was a small area at one end for washing, which held several buckets of fresh water and a drain in the floor. After cleaning themselves and politely rinsing away all dirt and soap, the monks would then soak in a large, sunken tub that took up most of the remainder of the room.

It was the little wash area that held Tasuki's interest, if only because it contained the room's sole other occupant. Sure, the bandit had seen his friend naked plenty of times (as often as he could manage) and the sight never failed to leave him breathless. But this…the mage was scrubbing at his chest, bubbles running down his slender form, teasing and seeming to obscure without hiding a thing. They ran down all the way to the monk's groin, some of them ending up trapped in the damp blue (Chichiri was nothing if not thorough when magically coloring his hair) curls, some of them sliding off his relaxed cock. Wet skin gleamed everywhere, highlighting the perfect shape of the monk's slender physique.

Tasuki only had time to blink once in amazement when Chichiri turned around and smiled slightly in greeting. And because the monk never wore the mask when bathing, that sweet smile was all it took to make the scene truly irresistible.

"Konichiwa, no da." The mage said, unaware that he was in serious danger of being jumped by a hormonally-overcharged mountain bandit.

A small trail of drool appeared at the corner of the redhead's mouth as he fought against his every instinct. For a brief moment, all traces of innocence seemed to vanish from the depths of a single mahogany eye.

Suzaku-only-knew what would have happened next if the bandit hadn't heard a sharp Click! as the door behind him was locked, trapping them. Realizing how very close he had come to losing control, he did what any sensible guy in love with his best friend *would* do. He panicked.

The redhead alternately rattled the doorknob and pounded the solid door. "Quatre! I'm gonna kill you fer this! Lemme out NOW, dammit!"

"Tasuki - " The mage's quiet voice went unheard.

"When I get outta here I'm going to fry the fuck outta ya! You AND your little hentai friend Duo - "

"Tasuki - "

"An' then I'm gonna cover ya both in honey and tie ya up on top of a bunch of fire ants - "

"TASUKI!!!!"

"WHAT?" The bandit snapped, finally ending his tirade.

Chichiri exhaled in exasperation. "I was just trying to tell you, no da, that I will be able to open the door with a spell when I'm done. There's no need for such drastic measures, no da."

"Oh, yeah. Great." Even though he had tried his best, the redhead knew he didn't sound particularly enthused or relieved. How could he? His problem was far from solved. And it only got worse as Chichiri lifted one of the buckets of water, ruthlessly rinsing the remaining suds from his body. The bandit truly envied them; they had lived a damn good life!

To make matters worse, the younger man began reacting to the sight in the one way he would never be able to adequately explain. He took several deep breaths and tried to regain control. Shit! Time to think of some seriously unsexy thoughts. First he pictured Tamahome naked. The first time he had stumbled upon THAT sight it had practically stricken him blind. How could a guy with such a gigantic ego have such a tiny dick? When that alone didn't work, he tried imagining Miaka and Yui making out (the only thing nastier than one naked woman was two)… None of the usual things was working. Damn!

"What's been going on with you lately, anyway?" The monk's voice was *very* serious.

"Whatcha mean?" The bandit replied, scratching the back of his head and trying to appear innocent. Anything to buy time until he could be sure he wasn't going to embarrass himself further. Happosai groping him… There, that seemed to help.

"You know exactly what I mean. Why are you acting like this?" Damn if the man wasn't even sexier when he was being so serious!

"Yeah." Tasuki agreed. Suddenly an image of Happosai and Taiitskun having sex flashed into his head. Yes!!! That was a thought nasty enough to give him control for the rest of his life!!!

"Well?" Finished rinsing, the monk turned to the tub. That's when Chichiri did something truly weird - he leaned over and grabbed his mask from his pile of clothes, then put it on before sinking into the warm water.

Chichiri *never* wore that thing while bathing. Actually, it was because of this that Tasuki had continued to bathe with the monk far longer than he should have despite the very real risk that his body would give him away. It was the only time the redhead could count on seeing that beautiful face.

That the mage had covered it up now, and obviously as the direct result of the fire seishi's presence, hit him like a physical blow.

"Chiri, ain't that gonna get wet?" He ventured, carefully. It was the first time he had ever nerved himself to comment on something so personal.

"New spell, no da." The mage paused for a moment and the mask glowed briefly. "Waterproof, no da!!!" He exclaimed triumphantly.

"Hn." Still convinced there was more to this but unwilling to press any further, the younger man began removing his pants, folding them neatly before venturing to the wash area.

"Can you please tell me what is on your mind now?"

Damn. The monk apparently wasn't going to let the matter drop. This was as good a time as any to test the waters, Tasuki decided as he began washing up.

He laughed a little, nervously. "Some of the younger guys are lookin' ta set ya up."

"Set me up for what, no da? Some kind of joke, no da?"

Tasuki blushed. "Not exactly." Quickly, he finished washing all of his 2000 parts (handling the last and most important bits very carefully, unsexy thoughts or no unsexy thoughts).

He lowered himself into the water next to his friend before continuing. "They're tryin' ta get ya laid, buddy." The redhead didn't see the need to go into specifics. He was sure the glowing red condition of his skin would do that for him.

It took a few moments to register. When it did, the monk's mask turned pink, but the rest of his body blushed to match his friend's. They sat in the water together for a few moments in an uncomfortable silence.

In the end, it was the monk who spoke. "I see. I'm very sorry, no da. Thanks for telling me." He paused for a moment, and then offered, "I will stop wearing my mask, that should take care of it. I've got to run now, no da, I promised WuFei I would help him study."

THAT didn't make any sense. What, exactly was Chichiri not wearing his mask going to accomplish? And just what did he mean by 'helping WuFei study'?. Before Tasuki found his voice, the blue-haired man practically leapt out of the water and began throwing his clothes on, barely even pausing to dry himself.

"I don't get it? How's that supposed ta help?" The bandit stammered as his friend dressed.

"No one would expect you to want me when they see my face." The monk's explanation was quiet and devoid of emotion.

Answer given, the monk did not wait for a reply. He turned to the door and recited a quick spell. The door popped open immediately. He turned the smiling face of the mask to his stricken friend and gave a little wave of goodbye.

* * * * *

Neither Chichiri nor WuFei showed up for dinner, which officially made the meal the worst the fire seishi had yet to endure. And just in case he wasn't jealous enough, Duo and Quatre spent the entire time giving him sympathetic looks and saying things like Duo's helpful, "Don't worry, I'm sure they won't be together for too long. After all, you guys'll eventually hit the road again and he'll hafta leave WuFei behind."

Quatre's advice was even worse. "You could offer to join them, you know. WuFei may not like you too much, but he's never been known to turn down a threesome." Initially, the fire seishi had believed Duo to be the worst of the group, but this afternoon's events had proved him very wrong. He no longer trusted the angelic looks of the little blond with the big aqua eyes.

It was a sign of just how preoccupied the redhead was that neither of the young monks so much as even saw Tasuki's tessen after these comments. He ate robotically and rose when everyone else did. As he made his way to the door, he felt a sharp prodding at his rear end.

"What the fuck do ya want?" He whirled around and glared at Happosai through narrowed eyes.

"Well, I was just wondering…" The old man began, and then reached out a wrinkled hand to Tasuki's thigh.

Using his seishi speed, the redhead intercepted the gnarled limb before it could inflict any damage - mental or physical.

"Get on with it, old man!"

"Since you've given up on Chichiri, my boy, I was wondering if you were lookin' for someone else. Someone with experience, maybe?" He waggled his eyebrows.

Tasuki looked around to make sure no one was listening before hissing angrily, "Look, I dunno what you think you know about me an' Chiri an' I don't care. I ain't givin' up on him so ya can just leave me alone, got it?"

"Well, if you aren't giving up on him, then why are you here?"

"What?"

Suddenly, the old man's eyes narrowed and he looked a little more on the ball than he had so far. "WuFei wants him, ya know. He's very determined. Why, who knows what the two of them are doing, right now?" Happosai cackled with glee. The bandit did not know what was going on in the old geezer's head and he didn't want to.

* * * * *

"I'll show that bastard!" Tasuki muttered to himself as he raced down the corridor that led to Chichiri's room. "There ain't nothin' dirty goin' on in there!"

He reached the door in record time and threw it open. His stomach dropped out from inside him and he grabbed the doorframe to keep from passing out.

Chichiri and WuFei were sitting near a low table piled with books and scrolls. Kissing passionately.

* * * * *

~ End Chapter 4

It's a cliffhanger, I know. Naughty, evil Xellas! Does this mean *I* get a spanking?

Um, you'll have to forgive me, I just watched an old Angel episode with Faith in it and…*drools*…