Author's notes: This is from Chichiri's POV and it may be somewhat different from how he is often portrayed.

Warnings: Mild lime in this part.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi or any of the delicious bishounen herein.

Needs Must Be

Chapter 1 - Aware

Detachment.

That's why I became a monk. I wanted to learn detachment. I wanted to run away and hide from my own feelings of guilt, despair and hurt. I'm over that now, nothing remains from that time - except for my scar. But then I've found almost everyone worth knowing carries their own scars, even if they are only on the inside.

I suppose if I'm being totally honest I will have to include the mask in the above statement. There is no need for it, really. My appearance is not -that- bad. The reason I wear it is that my duty, both as a monk and as one of Suzaku's Seven, is to offer strength and wisdom. Few people care to know that there are times I'm as lost, lonely, and afraid as they are. They reject me when they do see and it hurts. With my mask, I can keep my distance while still serving their needs.

There are times I envy Mitsukake. He only has to concern himself with people's bodies.

I am unusually upset because the detachment that I value so highly has been shattered. Ironically, if I weren't a monk I could have ignored my feelings indefinitely and this development would have taken me by surprise. I wonder if that would have been easier.

* * * * *

Yesterday I was meditating, watching the eternal flame in Suzaku's shrine, my vision turning inward quickly, the result of years of practice. I became intensely aware of my body, of rising heat, as the warm air from the fire seemed to caress my skin. I needed that touch, needed the fire to consume me, use me, become a part of me.

I was receiving a lesson on passion. I had experienced ecstacy and divine love in my meditations before, but this was different. This made me feel empty, incomplete. For the first time in my life I desperately craved the physical touch of another human being.

Insight flashed through my mind, burning like Suzaku's fire, burning like…Tasuki. I groaned, quickly breaking the meditative trance, but it was too late. I knew that it had already happened and I had never been given a choice. I had become a monk to avoid the pain caused by love. I suppose I should have realized that serving the God of Love wasn't the best way to avoid losing one's heart.

Dazed, I silently fulfilled the broken promises of my vision. It was strange, picturing golden eyes and a young, male, new yet familiar body beneath me while I touched myself. Release was somehow simultaneously more intense and less satisfying than it ever had been before and I knew that I would have to find a way to approach Tasuki soon.

* * * * *

End Part I

~ To Be Continued