Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Reassurance ❯ Reassuance ( One-Shot )

Title: Reassurance

Author: Alexa

Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and characters, plotlines, etc, aren't mine.

Author's Notes: This is a brief, angst-filled Yui/Suboshi ficlet. Beware the flying fluff! Actually, in all seriousness, I cried when I wrote this. I haven't cried for two years. It may not be my best peice, but it is certainly the one that the most heart went into. Enjoy.

***

I roll over. The bed that was so soft when I arrived seems lumpy and uncomfortable. I sigh, knowing it will be another sleepless night. I stand to look out the window at the dark countryside below. Above me, the moon shines a brighter yellow than usual.

It's the memories. Those damn memories. Hands grabbing, pulling, ripping at me. Tearing...my voice crying for help...I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the images. Their ugly faces leering at me from the alley, peeking at my bare legs and form-fitting unifrm. They grab my breasts, kiss my mouth, tear my shirt. I shake my head again, simultaneously trying to forget and not scream at myself.

My mind never stops. It goes and goes and goes. Everything goes at top speed. It almost as if I know that if I stop thinking, even for a moment, all will be lost, and it will all catch up to me. I can't let that happen. I don't want to think about those hands anymore, those mouths, my harsh screams. A tear drips onto my leg. I hadn't even realised I was crying. I stop for a moment, and look down at the scar on my wrist. Just a thin line, paler than the rest of my skin. It's strange, I think, how it has such power over me, over my entire being. That's when I hear the knock on the door. I turn, surprised and slightly frightened. I'm always frightened lately.

"Yui-sama?" The voice comes as the door slips open. A tousled head of light brown hair, earnest grey-blue eyes.

"Suboshi," I say softly, relief evident in my voice. I stiffen though, wondering what he wants, especially at this time of night. "What is it?" I ask him, suddenly painfully aware of how short my shirt is. I tug it down slightly, trying not to be too obvious about it.

"I-uh..." He steps inside, shutting the door behind him. I flinch slightly at the noise it makes as it shuts. "I heard you crying. I wanted to make sure you were alright." He smiles slightly at me from across the room. It's a nice a smile, earnest, and willing. It makes me want to hug him again, to tell him all my troubles. But I can't.

"No, it's nothing. I'm fine, Suboshi. Go back to sleep," I say, eager to get rid of him, trying to be strong. I can't fall for any of my seishi, can't care about any of them.

"That's a lie, Yui-sama," he says, his voice taking on a soft, caring quality I find scary. He steps across the room and puts a hand on my tear-stained cheek. "See? Your cheek is all wet. You've been crying. What's wrong?"

I would love to tell him what's wrong, to have him hold me safely in his arms and tell me that it's alright, no one will ever hurt me again. But I don't. I step back, and turn back towards the window, where the night air is cool and safe. "I'm fine, Suboshi. Just...had a bad dream, is all." That's close to the truth.

"Alright, Yui-sama, if that's what you say." He looks upset that I won't tell him what's really wrong, but knows he'd be overstepping his boundaries to ask again.

"Why do you care so much, anyway?" I ask softly, not even meaning to. "No one cares about me. Nakago says he does, but I know the truth...He only loves what I can do for him, not me. Why does it matter so much to you?"

I feel arms around my waist and flinch at his touch. "Because I love you, Yui-sama," he says softly into my ear. I can't take it. This is, in its own way, what I've always wanted. But I know, deep down, that I can't have it. He's so devoted to me; it's teenage infatuation, or, if it goes any deeper, it is the love of a seishi for his miko. It's not what I want at all. Gently, I push him towards the door, disentangling myself from his grasp.

"No, Suboshi. Not now, not ever. I can't," I say, opening the door. "I can't love you. And you-you can't love me." I push him, with his bewildered look, out the open door, then shut it softly. I go back to stand under the window. "No one can love me..."

***

I can't sleep. I can't ever sleep when I hear her rolling over like that. I'm next door, after all, and the walls of Kutou palace are thin. I know she will spend another night looking at the moon and another day being a grump. I can't stand it.

I'm not as young as they think me to be. I handled Aniki's death, didn't I? I killed Tamahome's family. I did it all. I even found the courage to tell Yui-sama how I feel. Not that she cares.

'Great,' I think, getting out of bed. 'Another night of listening to her sit and think, then wait until she's asleep and put her in her bed before I can get any rest.' As much as I care for Yui-sama, sometimes, she really does irritate me. Why does she torture herself like this, thinking of Nakago and Tamahome and everyone else, especially when she knows I'm here, and I love her. I love her just as she is. My whole being cries out for her sometimes, and I have to silence myself with a pinch on the arm. I hear her sigh. I walk over to the wall and lean against it, curious. I wonder if she'll sit up half the night or if it'll be one of those nights when she falls asleep more easily.

That's when I hear something new. She's crying. Normally, she doesn't cry, at least not at night. No, at night she's strong. She's alone, but she never cries at night. Never lets anyone see that side of her. I lean closer to the wall, and hear her quiet sobs. I can't help it, and before I know what I'm doing, my robe is on and I'm knocking at her door.

"Yui-sama?" I ask, peeking in. She sits by the window, the silvery glow of the moon making her more beautiful than she normally is, glittering lightly on the tears going down her cheeks.

"Suboshi," she says my name, stiffening, but obviously glad I'm not Nakago. I love hearing her say my name like that. Like she needs me. But then she's all business again. "What is it?" She asks, pulling her shirt down in a subconcious manner, as if trying to keep me from seeing her legs. I wonder why. I realise she asked me a question. I stutter to think of an answer.

"I-uh..." I step inside her room, shutting the door gently behind myself. Gods, what am I thinking? Seiryuu help me if I screw this up..."I heard you crying," I say as she flinches at the shut door. "I wanted to make sure you were alright." I smile, to make sure she knows I'm harmless, that I'm not like those men. I know about them; they will pay someday.

"No, it's nothing. I'm fine Suboshi, go back to sleep," she says, obviously trying to get rid of me. Inwardly, I cringe, feeling slightly deflated. Those tears...

"That's a lie, Yui-sama," I say softly, my voice betraying my feelings towards her yet again. Dammit, why am I so expressive? I find myself stepping across the room and rubbing a hand on her cheek. The skin is soft, but damp from her tears. "See? Your cheek is all wet. You've been crying. What's wrong?" I can tell from her expression that she wants to tell me. I can also tell that she won't. Damn. She turns back to the window. Someday she's going to catch a chill, wearing that thin shirt in the chilly night air.

"I'm fine, Suboshi. Just...had a bad dream, is all." I know she's lying.

"Alright, Yui-sama, if that's what you say." Damn. I've screwed up again, somehow. Why is it I always manage to muck this up. I know I can't ask her again, and I can't make her tell me, and that makes me want to shake her vioently.

"Why do you care so much, anyway?" She asks me, and I can tell from the look on her face that she never meant for that to come out of her mouth. "No one cares about me. Nakago says he does, but I know the truth...He only loves what I can do for him, not me. Why does it matter so much to you?"

I can't help it. My emotions always ruled me. I've always been the feeler, Aniki's always been the thinker. My arms are around her waist before I know what's happening. She flinches, and I rest my head on her shoulder. I've always dreamed of holding her like this. "Because I love you, Yui-sama," the words are out of my mouth before I know it. I can't help it; this fire inside me...She twists out of my grasp, gently pushing me towards the door.

"No, Suboshi. Not now, not ever. I can't," she says as she opens the door. "I can't love you. And you-you can't love me." Unceremoniously, I find myself pushed into the hall, completely puzzled. Things were just going so well...oh, damn, I screwed up again, somehow. I'm always messing this kind of stuff up. She shuts the door and I hear her walk back to the window. "No one can love me..." I hear as I head back next door. I remove my robe and hang it in the closet, then climb back into bed.

'Yui-sama...' She is my last thought as I drift off to sleep.

Finis.