Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ A Question of Lust ❯ Waiting for the Night ( Chapter 7 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Traumatic BunnyRabbit 
“…with half closed eyes things look even better than when they were open…”
Anime/Manga: Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 12.21.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.3K | Visits: 400 | Status: Work In Progress
“…with half closed eyes things look even better than when they were open…”
Anime/Manga: Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 12.21.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.3K | Visits: 400 | Status: Work In Progress
Title: A Question Of Lust
Author: Traumatic BunnyRabbit
Warnings: This story is NC-17 rated because of violence, bad language and sex scenes. And most of all - it’s yaoi (man and man pairing). So if you think it will mess up your mind, just don’t read it.
Disclaimers: I don’t own Saiyuki. But I own this piece. And that’s something too!
I borrowed all the titles from my favorite Depeche Mode songs. I hope they won’t sue me.
Aka and Inuki are mine however.
Summary:
“…with half closed eyes things look even better than when they were open…”
A/N: To everybody that were waiting for another chapter - sorry guys! I won’t bore you with lame excuses. I’m just sorry. So, without further delay, here’s my story.
Enjoy the angst ^__^
7. Waiting for the Night
“Open your eyes.”
It was always like that when he tried to get away. He wasn’t allowed to, he had to be conscious all the time. He had to see and feel everything. Escaping would spoil his master’s fun.
“That’s right, I know you like it.”
He hated it. Repulsion, disgust, hatred - that was the only things he could feel. However, his body had a mind of its own. Those cold hands knew exactly what to do to wake the carnal desire. He couldn’t block the pleasure, though he tried, many times. It was all in vain. If his master wanted him to feel pleasure, there was no way he could deny it. He could only lie there motionless, keeping his eyes on the ceiling, shivering from loathing and sexual tension.
And those cold, snake-like fingers were creeping slowly up and down his skin, teasing and arousing. Skilful fingers. He involuntarily arched his back as they grabbed his hardening cock and began pumping slowly and gently. He hated that, oh Gods, how much he hated himself! But there was no escape from that demanding hand and from his own dirty lust.
“Yes, grow for me, pet,” low voice purred right into his ear, wet tongue touched his skin and drew long line upon his jaw. “Beg for me. Let me see how much you want me.”
“No.”
Was that his voice? He said that? He dared?
“What did you say?” the question was quiet and calm, but hand on his cock tensed. “I told you to keep your eyes open.”
When did he close his eyes again? It didn’t matter. He didn’t want to see that face, he didn’t want to feel those touches, not any more. His body started to tremble even more than before as his lips once again formed gentle circle to pronounce that one word.
“No.”
And suddenly there was no more thinking. Suddenly, there was no more control, no more bearing and gritting teeth. No more. That one, simple word just set him free.
The freedom was painful.
He barely noticed first punch, but he noticed the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. The second punch sent him flying from the bed on the floor. Then the kicks came. He tried to curl and cover himself but it was all futile. His aggressor was too quick and too enraged, and he still had his boots on. White flares of pain shot through his body making him scream for the first time. Somehow, he knew that was only the beginning.
“I'll teach you not to talk back to me, bitch!” strong hands grabbed his hair, pulling his head up. He didn’t have a choice, he had to look into those black, hollow eyes. “You will regret that you ever opened that filthy mouth of yours!”
No, thought Hakkai stubbornly. No, I won’t regret it.
I already am.
***
“No!”
He screams from the top of his lungs as he sits abruptly on his bedding1. Everything is so dark and creepy, world full of strange whispers and screams, and pain, and shame, and…
“Goku!”
Someone’s calling him. Someone he knows. Someone…
“Snap it out! It’s just a dream, god dammit! Don’t need to yell like that!”
“Sanzo…”
“Yeah, that’s me,” soft click of the lighter and for a moment the darkness is gone, and he can see his Sun. “So, what was that all about?”
Right, his dream. This awful dream.
“I don’t remember everything,” Goku exhaled slowly, drawing his knees to his chest. It felt much better when he’s curled like that. “It was just horrible and… I was so scared…”
“I thought you didn’t have those dreams anymore,” Sanzo took long drag of his cig; eerie red light took his face out of the shadow for a short moment. Goku turned his head away, embarrassed a little. He still had *that* dream from time to time, but it didn’t frighten him so much anymore. He could awake just gasping, not screaming like a child2. Of course Sanzo didn’t have to know about it. Maybe he would tell him some other time, maybe not. But not now. Now he had to say something else, something even more terrifying. “I was dreaming ‘bout Gojyo and Hakkai,” he whispered. “Someone was hurting them, they were screaming and…”
“They’re all right,” he heard Sanzo’s exhaling. “And we’ll reach them in no time. So don’t worry.”
“But…” Goku closed his arms around his bent legs, “… but I felt them. It was so real, just like it was me being there, beaten and… and…”
“They’re fine,” Sanzo’s voice was firm and steady. “And we’ll get them back. I promise.”
The night in the woods can be really unpleasant. Strange, unfamiliar noises, pitch black darkness, hard ground instead of bed.
Loneliness.
Goku hated that. He hated to feel lonely, and lately he had that feeling constantly. Sanzo, his Sanzo, was so distant, so anxious, so closed… So far away from him. And there’s no Hakkai nor Gojyo to release some of the tension, to soothe him, to help him in any way. And now that dream. Maybe it’s only a dream, a simple product of his worried imagination, but still…
Goku really had enough of this. The question that was growing in his head for past days was now ready to go out.
“Sanzo… Can I sleep next to you?”
Ok, here goes nothing, he thought, waiting for curses or hitting fan, but none of that happened. He heard and felt nothing at all. Only silence. Goku slowly lifted his head and looked over to Sanzo, but he saw only his figure, just a silhouette slightly darker than its surroundings.
“Sanzo?”
“Tch, whatever,” with gentle rustle of clothes the monk lay down. “If you’re afraid to sleep by yourself… But no cuddling, or I’ll shoot you.”
In a flash Goku was next to him, spreading his bedroll and nesting just inches from Sanzo’s back. No cuddling, all right. Laying close to this man was enough. You don’t have to touch the sun to feel warm, do you?
***
When he woke up it was already dark outside. Magic bricks in the walls were glowing, filling the room with pale golden light. The light, made long, thin marks on his forearm look like paths of dried blood. Blood? No, that wasn’t blood. He slowly moved his fingers, watching long sharp claws scratching against soft cotton of the pillow. That bastard took off his limiters. Again.
He did that before, three or maybe four times. Always when he… misused him. Just like he did now. In his youkai form, Hakkai was able to heal in no time and Aka knew it. I don’t want my toy to be spoiled, he used to say. And I’m sure you don’t want it either, so don’t make any fuss and don’t put those ear cuffs on until you heal completely.
Perhaps he‘s got a point, thought Hakkai, closing his sore eyes. This time he certainly had a point. I’m completely fucked up. If I were human, it would take me weeks to get better. Or rather, if I were human I would be dead by now.
Dead. Hakkai shrugged lightly trying to get rid of this word from his head. That word was his new taboo. He should never use it, not even think of it. Because this word was leading to certain funny ideas and he couldn’t afford to have those kind of ideas anymore. Think about Gojyo, he ordered himself. You are doing this for him, you should remember it, he thought as he exhaled slowly and try to flex his muscles in an attempt to get up. But as soon as he tried, he understood it was another foolish mistake he made. His body screamed probably even louder than he did.
For few long seconds he just lay still, breathing hard through his teeth and recalling all the things Aka did to him. And he really had a lot to remember, because a lot had happened before he finally lost consciousness. But all the pain was nothing compared to that dreadful feeling that was creeping slowly into his chest. He opposed his master, he disobeyed him. Did that mean Gojyo was going to be…
No, Gojyo was all right, he told himself burying his long claws into the pillow. Gojyo’s all right. This sicko liked to be rough, he always looked for an opportunity to become violent. So I gave him one, the big one, and now he’s probably as satisfied as he could ever be! And Gojyo was safe. He had to be, he repeated that sentence in his mind, over and over again. Gojyo just had to be safe. Because Gojyo’s safety was the one and only thing that kept Hakkai alive and sane. More or less.
The pain slowly subsided into bearable dull aching and finally Hakkai could relax his body and calm his breath. Now the only thing he wanted was to get up and go to the bathroom to get rid of every sign of Aka’s activity. But that was exactly the one thing he couldn’t do. He couldn’t even lift a finger without causing another painful sensation. Which meant, that, probably, he would spend the whole night lying between soiled sheets, covered with blood, sweat and… other stuff. Great, just fucking great.
It never happened to him before. He was never in such great pain that he couldn’t clean himself. Maybe sometimes he almost had to crawl to the bathroom, but at least he could crawl! And now… Hakkai felt white flash of anger shooting through his battered body. It was so unfair! The night belonged to him and nobody else! There was no room for Aka’s presence in any form, physical or mental.
It was the only rule the sorcerer never broke, saying that night is for sleeping and not for having fun. He never visited Hakkai after dark and so the brunette quickly got used to those safe and peaceful moments. The night was his time to regain composure, to chase after his sanity. He needed that to face another day of abuse. That’s why he always did his best to wipe away every trace of Aka’s existence from that room, from his bed and from his body before the night would come. Because only when he was alone and clean in the dark, Hakkai could finally be himself again. But now even this little piece of freedom was ruined! How could he forget, how could he even fall asleep still having that damn bastard all over him?!
Suddenly all the anger was forgotten, as Hakkai’s oversensitive demon ear picked up silent sound of footsteps on the corridor. Someone was coming to his room. Strange. Nobody hardly visited him, especially at this time of day. So who might it be? And why?
The door creaked lightly as the person entered the room and Hakkai’s nose wrinkled involuntarily. As much as he hated that animal-like reflex, he had to admit that it was very helpful at times. Maybe his nose wasn’t as good as a dog’s, but he certainly was able to recognize the scent of his visitor.
What is he doing here, thought Hakkai, slightly amazed. I don’t need him, not now. I don’t need anybody.
He kept his eyes shut in hope that the other would think he’s asleep and would go away. But light footsteps came closer to the bed and then they stopped.
“Are you asleep, big brother?”
Yes, I am, thought Hakkai breathing steadily. Go away, Inuki.
But the boy didn’t leave. He didn’t try to wake Hakkai up, but instead he started moving around, making some small noises. Hakkai didn’t even try to look, but still, he knew everything. Inuki was cleaning. He was picking up all that funny stuff Aka used, all those toys, restrains and whips, and was putting them to that old oak drawer in the far corner. He was wiping up all the blood that splattered on the floor and walls, and perhaps some other kind of stains as well.
That was strange. He never did that before, it was always one of the lower servants. Or Hakkai himself. Why the hell all of a sudden Aka sent his favorite pet to do the dirty work?
Soon Inuki was back at Hakkai’s side. He brought with him something that smelled like herbs. Intense, soothing scent filled brunette’s nose and made him wrinkle it involuntarily once again. He inhaled deeply, trying to recognize what sort of plants were used, and the next moment he knew he got himself caught.
“You’re awake, big brother,” Inuki sat carefully at the edge of the bed and leaned towards him. “Sorry, I tried not to be so noisy.”
Hakkai sighed and opened his eyes. Now he could see boy’s face, frowning at him with something that looked like real concern. “How do you feel?” asked Inuki softly.
“Not so good, as you can see,” Hakkai answered quietly. His throat also felt sore; he had to scream a lot more than usual. Aka liked when he was screaming. Aka liked giving him reasons for screaming.
“Can you get up?” came another question.
“Don’t you think if I could, I would be laying like this?” Hakkai’s answer was so harsh that it surprised both of them. Hakkai sighed and closed his eyes again, trying to calm a little. In his demon form, he never had much patience. It was like a little lack of self-control, or rather a better ability to let loose. And, on top of that, he was angry. So, frankly speaking, his weakness was the only reason why he didn’t try to kick this annoying brat out of his room.
“I just thought I could help you… refresh a little,” the boy didn’t lose his wits. “You know, clean the blood and all…”
Hakkai sighed once again. He felt nauseous at he very thought of Inuki looking - and touching - his battered, filthy body, but, on the other hand, Inuki’s help meant he could sleep in peace. And a peaceful night was worth a few more minutes of humiliation.
“Sorry for that,” Hakkai opened his eyes and looked at young demon. “I’ll accept your help gladly. But tell me, why are you here?”
“What do you mean?” Inuki shifted a little and reached towards the night table. There was a glass bowl there. The boy took a small cloth and put it in the bowl, which appeared to be full of water. Clever kid, thought Hakkai, he knew I wouldn't refuse. “I’m just curious,” he said aloud, “why Aka sent you.”
“He didn’t,” Inuki rinsed the cloth and carefully lifted Hakkai’s hand. “I came here on my own.”
Hakkai tried not to make any sound as strained muscles and joints in his arm and shoulder screamed in pain. He couldn’t tell how long he was hanging tied up to the hook in the ceiling, but it was definitely too long. Skin on his wrist was raw red, with crusts of blood and small cuts here and there. Aka didn’t use his favorite padded leather cuffs this time. No, this time it was just an ordinary rope.
“So let me ask you once again,” Hakkai winced slightly as the warm, wet cloth touched his skin. “Why did you came here?” Inuki didn’t answer for a long while. He was cleaning his hand with long practiced moves that made Hakkai wonder where the hell this boy got so much practice.
“I just wanted to make sure you’ll be all right, big brother,” said the boy at last, rinsing the cloth and reaching for Hakkai’s other hand. “I was near this room when you… upset the Master. So I knew--”
“It’s really nice of you that you’re worrying about me,” Hakkai interrupted him through his clenched teeth. The other hand hurt much more and the pain made him even more impatient. He didn’t need the pity, not from this boy. It wasn’t so long ago when he had searched for any sign of compassion in his emerald eyes but he had found nothing. And now the very same demon was coming here, calling him ‘big brother’ and helping him, because he *knew* Hakkai could use some help. Wasn't it ironic?
“All right, I don’t think it’s necessary to bandage those,” the boy’s voice was so soft as he put Hakkai’s hand back on the pillow. “Now if you don’t mind…”
Hakkai closed his eyes, feeling the boy is slowly lifting the sheets. He didn’t like that heavy silence that came after that; he could almost feel the touch of Inuki’s frightened eyes on his mutilated skin. “Is it that bad?” he finally asked. “No, not at all,” young demon answered, too quick and too cheery. He reached for the cloth avoiding Hakkai’s eyes. “It already started to heal. I… I just didn’t expect to see…”
“Yeah, he used a regular whip this time,” Hakkai tried to sound casual, but he shuddered inside at the memory. Then he shuddered for real, as the damp cloth touched his back. Stinging and burning, he couldn’t keep himself from gasping. Inuki worked in silence, without any unnecessary moves that would add an unnecessary pain, and after the first unpleasant impression the warmth of the water and boy’s soothing strokes became almost pleasurable. Hakkai closed his eyes and started to relax for real.
Somehow it all reminded him of Gojyo. Gojyo’s hands were big, strong and calloused, but they could be so delicate when he was touching Hakkai’s body. He used to sponge bathe him like that too, back then, when he still was Cho Gonou, a miserable, wounded excuse for a human being. Gojyo never thought it was something inappropriate to touch this filthy body, and with this simple act of hygiene he gave him gentle caresses and simple human touch that Hakkai needed so much. And he never really stopped taking care of him. He always insisted on helping him to dress his wounds or massage his stiffen neck after hours of driving. Even if they caused pain, Gojyo’s hands always gave him nothing but the pleasure. Gojyo’s hands…
“Master was never so rough to me,” Inuki’s soft voice brought Hakkai back to reality. “What did you do to make him so angry?”
“What did I do?” Hakkai almost smiled at the memory of his foolishness. His bottom lip stung and he unconsciously licked small cut, tasting the salty blood. “I opposed him. I said no.”
Inuki’s hand froze still. “Why?” he asked, leaning closer. “So far you seemed to agree on all of that. So why?”
What can I tell you, thought Hakkai looking in those big, green eyes, so tainted and yet so innocent. What can I say? That he wanted me to enjoy it? That he made me to enjoy it so now I hate my body more than ever? That I hate being such a god damned pervert I am? You could say that I shouldn’t be surprised. First, I fell for my own sister, then I became a mass murderer and as if it wasn’t enough, I fucked my best male friend. So what else could I feel in the arms of some sadistic psycho? He’s so perfect match for me!
“I never agreed to anything. I wasn’t given any choice,” Hakkai was surprised that his voice actually sounded so calm and composed. “If it wasn’t for Gojyo I would never let Aka touch me that way.”
Inuki didn’t say anything. He just rinsed the cloth once again and continued his work. He wiped all of Hakkai’s back and slowly and methodically came lower. The brunette squeezed his eyes shut and fought the urge to kick and scream as those hands reached his sore ass. The boy had to sense something because his moves became even gentler. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but I have to… Or perhaps you don’t want me to?”
“Just continue, please,” said Hakkai through his gritted teeth. And the boy obeyed.
The next few minutes felt like ages. Hakkai thought that he couldn’t possibly feel more embarrassed than he already was, but again he was wrong. He tried not to think about what the boy was looking at, what he was seeing, and what he was thinking. He tried to tell himself that nothing of that matters, that he just has to forget about himself, about his body, about the whole real world. He tried, he tried very hard. And he hoped that one day he will succeed.
Finally Inuki slowly put away the damp cloth and took small box from the table. As he opened it, the herbal scent became more intensive. He scooped some of the contents and started to rub it into Hakkai’s back. “So, you love him, don’t you?” he asked quietly. “This Gojyo guy, I mean.”
“Yes, I do,” answered Hakkai without hesitation.
“And does he love you the same way?”
“I don’t know,” Hakkai couldn’t help but smile lightly. “It would be great if he did, but it doesn’t matter. I would do it even if he hated me.”
Whatever was that thing Inuki was putting on his back, Hakkai already felt better. It cooled the burning and soothed the stinging. The night was almost saved. The boy’s gentle hands massaged slowly his abused skin and it felt so great to be touched like that, without any dirty intentions. He almost forgot by now how it is to be happy with someone’s touch. He didn’t want this contact to ever end, but he had to stop it soon or his fragile sanity would shatter into pieces. Again.
“I really appreciate what you did for me tonight,” Hakkai shifted a little and looked over his shoulder, “but I think you should better go now.”
“Oh, all right,” Inuki looked surprised but he stopped massaging Hakkai’s back and slowly pulled a cover over him. “If you need something more…”
“No, I’m fine,” the brunette tried to smile a little, but his lips suddenly twitched. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke once more. “I just want to be alone right now. So if you don’t mind…”
“Not at all,” the boy got up and gathered all his stuff. But as he took first few steps towards the door he suddenly stopped and turned around. “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” he said averting Hakkai’s eyes, “but I know how your friend is.”
Hakkai held his breath. For a long painful moment he imagined that the next words would break his heart, but then the boy spoke again. “I’m not allowed to go where he is,” he said quietly, “but I was talking to one of the maids. Your friend is locked in one of the guest rooms. He’s safe. Only she and other servant are able to open the door. So none of Master’s men can go in there. Your friend is safe.”
With those words Inuki turned and rushed from the room. Hakkai was too shocked to try to stop him, and when he was able to speak again the boy was already gone. “Thank you, Inuki,” he whispered hoarsely towards the closed door.
Gojyo was safe.
He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
Gojyo was safe. I was able to save him.
The night finally came and slowly embraced his aching body, and brought the darkness into his eyes and mind. There was nothing scary in it, just silence and calmness, and freedom. And memories and dreams, that slowly lulled him into blissful oblivion.
***
The night finally came. He loved it, more than ever. The night was his asylum, his time of peace. He could forget about the fear, ‘cause in the darkness there was nothing to be afraid of. Maybe except the upcoming day that is. He could sit quietly, tucked under the covers, just like now, feeling warm and safe, watching the stars shining behind the small window. It was good. He liked that.
His body was aching but he didn’t care. He knew he had blood on his face and probably in his hair as well, but he chose to ignore it. Because if he wanted to clean it, he would have to get up, go to the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror. And lately he was trying to avoid it as much as he could.
He didn’t like to look at his pale and hollow ghost-like face. He didn’t like to look at all those scratches and bruises. He didn’t like to see his own blood that matched his hair color so perfectly. He truly became an ugly mutt, shaggy and gaunt, and he really couldn’t help it. Yes, he had quite nice room with nice small bathroom, yes, those abusive guards didn’t disturb him, yes, the meals were good. But he never knew when Aka would visit him, so he tried not to eat much before, and after every encounter he often felt too sick to swallow a single bite. In fact, he was constantly feeling like throwing up. And often he did.
Well, today Gojyo considered himself lucky. That black bastard was so furious when he came here, he didn’t even try anything sexual. He wasn’t shouting, wasn’t calling him names. He just started to beat him, slowly and methodically, without any sign of emotions.
This guy is a pro, thought the redhead as he tried to shift his body a little to ease some pain. He did beat the living shit out of him, but he didn’t cause any serious injury. Nothing fatal, nothing that wouldn’t heal by itself. “So again, I was lucky, but not enough to die,” Gojyo whispered with lopsided smirk as he pressed his aching head against cold wall.
No, let’s not think about death, he ordered himself. Let’s think about Hakkai.
Thinking about Hakkai was his daily routine. Or rather nightly. He could spend hours just recalling all the good and the bad moments of their friendship. Those days, when he had this quiet wounded stranger in his bed and days, when the stranger came back to him as a friend. And of course days that came after that, their journey, fighting arm to arm, resting and laughing, and driving for hours, and helping each other to struggle with their miserable past.
Maybe Hakkai was able to get over his issues, but Gojyo certainly didn’t. Yeah, he could pretend, but he couldn’t fool anyone. They called him pervert and were joking about his attitude towards women, but they knew the truth. And the truth was, he was just a whore. He was ready to go to bed with anyone who show him just a little interest. He would give himself away completely to any woman in need, taking in return only mere physical satisfaction. He never knew how to ask for more, and even if he did, he wouldn’t do that. Because he wasn’t worthy.
Gojyo smiled to himself in the darkness, but it wasn’t happy smile. It was really good thing that this black bastard took him with Hakkai. Because now his dearest friend was safe, and he - the bitch - could do for him what he always did best.
Suddenly he felt nauseous again, so he slowly sunk onto the bed and curled himself into tight ball. Oh, how much he hated himself right now. He was such a miserable son of a bitch, who couldn’t defend himself and his best friend in any other way than with letting someone using him as a sex slave. He had to find a way of getting them out of this shit, he had to kill that sicko somehow. He promised Hakkai that he would, he promised…
The darkness felt good. It was like another blanket over his shoulders, it was giving him warmth and safety. It was giving him time to think. To make plans. To dream. When he was lying like that, he was almost sure that he’ll find a way, he’ll make Aka pay for everything. And then, perhaps, he will finally be able to look at himself in the mirror, without shame, without disgust.
And maybe, just maybe, he would be worthy enough to look Hakkai in the eyes.
***
To be continued
I started this story because I wanted to write some sex scenes with my two favorite characters. But suddenly it all became so angsty… Where is the smut?? Well, I think it will reappear before the end, but who knows where my imagination will lead me? Lemon lovers - keep your fingers crossed ^__^
TBR
Author: Traumatic BunnyRabbit
Warnings: This story is NC-17 rated because of violence, bad language and sex scenes. And most of all - it’s yaoi (man and man pairing). So if you think it will mess up your mind, just don’t read it.
Disclaimers: I don’t own Saiyuki. But I own this piece. And that’s something too!
I borrowed all the titles from my favorite Depeche Mode songs. I hope they won’t sue me.
Aka and Inuki are mine however.
Summary:
“…with half closed eyes things look even better than when they were open…”
A/N: To everybody that were waiting for another chapter - sorry guys! I won’t bore you with lame excuses. I’m just sorry. So, without further delay, here’s my story.
Enjoy the angst ^__^
7. Waiting for the Night
“Open your eyes.”
It was always like that when he tried to get away. He wasn’t allowed to, he had to be conscious all the time. He had to see and feel everything. Escaping would spoil his master’s fun.
“That’s right, I know you like it.”
He hated it. Repulsion, disgust, hatred - that was the only things he could feel. However, his body had a mind of its own. Those cold hands knew exactly what to do to wake the carnal desire. He couldn’t block the pleasure, though he tried, many times. It was all in vain. If his master wanted him to feel pleasure, there was no way he could deny it. He could only lie there motionless, keeping his eyes on the ceiling, shivering from loathing and sexual tension.
And those cold, snake-like fingers were creeping slowly up and down his skin, teasing and arousing. Skilful fingers. He involuntarily arched his back as they grabbed his hardening cock and began pumping slowly and gently. He hated that, oh Gods, how much he hated himself! But there was no escape from that demanding hand and from his own dirty lust.
“Yes, grow for me, pet,” low voice purred right into his ear, wet tongue touched his skin and drew long line upon his jaw. “Beg for me. Let me see how much you want me.”
“No.”
Was that his voice? He said that? He dared?
“What did you say?” the question was quiet and calm, but hand on his cock tensed. “I told you to keep your eyes open.”
When did he close his eyes again? It didn’t matter. He didn’t want to see that face, he didn’t want to feel those touches, not any more. His body started to tremble even more than before as his lips once again formed gentle circle to pronounce that one word.
“No.”
And suddenly there was no more thinking. Suddenly, there was no more control, no more bearing and gritting teeth. No more. That one, simple word just set him free.
The freedom was painful.
He barely noticed first punch, but he noticed the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. The second punch sent him flying from the bed on the floor. Then the kicks came. He tried to curl and cover himself but it was all futile. His aggressor was too quick and too enraged, and he still had his boots on. White flares of pain shot through his body making him scream for the first time. Somehow, he knew that was only the beginning.
“I'll teach you not to talk back to me, bitch!” strong hands grabbed his hair, pulling his head up. He didn’t have a choice, he had to look into those black, hollow eyes. “You will regret that you ever opened that filthy mouth of yours!”
No, thought Hakkai stubbornly. No, I won’t regret it.
I already am.
***
“No!”
He screams from the top of his lungs as he sits abruptly on his bedding1. Everything is so dark and creepy, world full of strange whispers and screams, and pain, and shame, and…
“Goku!”
Someone’s calling him. Someone he knows. Someone…
“Snap it out! It’s just a dream, god dammit! Don’t need to yell like that!”
“Sanzo…”
“Yeah, that’s me,” soft click of the lighter and for a moment the darkness is gone, and he can see his Sun. “So, what was that all about?”
Right, his dream. This awful dream.
“I don’t remember everything,” Goku exhaled slowly, drawing his knees to his chest. It felt much better when he’s curled like that. “It was just horrible and… I was so scared…”
“I thought you didn’t have those dreams anymore,” Sanzo took long drag of his cig; eerie red light took his face out of the shadow for a short moment. Goku turned his head away, embarrassed a little. He still had *that* dream from time to time, but it didn’t frighten him so much anymore. He could awake just gasping, not screaming like a child2. Of course Sanzo didn’t have to know about it. Maybe he would tell him some other time, maybe not. But not now. Now he had to say something else, something even more terrifying. “I was dreaming ‘bout Gojyo and Hakkai,” he whispered. “Someone was hurting them, they were screaming and…”
“They’re all right,” he heard Sanzo’s exhaling. “And we’ll reach them in no time. So don’t worry.”
“But…” Goku closed his arms around his bent legs, “… but I felt them. It was so real, just like it was me being there, beaten and… and…”
“They’re fine,” Sanzo’s voice was firm and steady. “And we’ll get them back. I promise.”
The night in the woods can be really unpleasant. Strange, unfamiliar noises, pitch black darkness, hard ground instead of bed.
Loneliness.
Goku hated that. He hated to feel lonely, and lately he had that feeling constantly. Sanzo, his Sanzo, was so distant, so anxious, so closed… So far away from him. And there’s no Hakkai nor Gojyo to release some of the tension, to soothe him, to help him in any way. And now that dream. Maybe it’s only a dream, a simple product of his worried imagination, but still…
Goku really had enough of this. The question that was growing in his head for past days was now ready to go out.
“Sanzo… Can I sleep next to you?”
Ok, here goes nothing, he thought, waiting for curses or hitting fan, but none of that happened. He heard and felt nothing at all. Only silence. Goku slowly lifted his head and looked over to Sanzo, but he saw only his figure, just a silhouette slightly darker than its surroundings.
“Sanzo?”
“Tch, whatever,” with gentle rustle of clothes the monk lay down. “If you’re afraid to sleep by yourself… But no cuddling, or I’ll shoot you.”
In a flash Goku was next to him, spreading his bedroll and nesting just inches from Sanzo’s back. No cuddling, all right. Laying close to this man was enough. You don’t have to touch the sun to feel warm, do you?
***
When he woke up it was already dark outside. Magic bricks in the walls were glowing, filling the room with pale golden light. The light, made long, thin marks on his forearm look like paths of dried blood. Blood? No, that wasn’t blood. He slowly moved his fingers, watching long sharp claws scratching against soft cotton of the pillow. That bastard took off his limiters. Again.
He did that before, three or maybe four times. Always when he… misused him. Just like he did now. In his youkai form, Hakkai was able to heal in no time and Aka knew it. I don’t want my toy to be spoiled, he used to say. And I’m sure you don’t want it either, so don’t make any fuss and don’t put those ear cuffs on until you heal completely.
Perhaps he‘s got a point, thought Hakkai, closing his sore eyes. This time he certainly had a point. I’m completely fucked up. If I were human, it would take me weeks to get better. Or rather, if I were human I would be dead by now.
Dead. Hakkai shrugged lightly trying to get rid of this word from his head. That word was his new taboo. He should never use it, not even think of it. Because this word was leading to certain funny ideas and he couldn’t afford to have those kind of ideas anymore. Think about Gojyo, he ordered himself. You are doing this for him, you should remember it, he thought as he exhaled slowly and try to flex his muscles in an attempt to get up. But as soon as he tried, he understood it was another foolish mistake he made. His body screamed probably even louder than he did.
For few long seconds he just lay still, breathing hard through his teeth and recalling all the things Aka did to him. And he really had a lot to remember, because a lot had happened before he finally lost consciousness. But all the pain was nothing compared to that dreadful feeling that was creeping slowly into his chest. He opposed his master, he disobeyed him. Did that mean Gojyo was going to be…
No, Gojyo was all right, he told himself burying his long claws into the pillow. Gojyo’s all right. This sicko liked to be rough, he always looked for an opportunity to become violent. So I gave him one, the big one, and now he’s probably as satisfied as he could ever be! And Gojyo was safe. He had to be, he repeated that sentence in his mind, over and over again. Gojyo just had to be safe. Because Gojyo’s safety was the one and only thing that kept Hakkai alive and sane. More or less.
The pain slowly subsided into bearable dull aching and finally Hakkai could relax his body and calm his breath. Now the only thing he wanted was to get up and go to the bathroom to get rid of every sign of Aka’s activity. But that was exactly the one thing he couldn’t do. He couldn’t even lift a finger without causing another painful sensation. Which meant, that, probably, he would spend the whole night lying between soiled sheets, covered with blood, sweat and… other stuff. Great, just fucking great.
It never happened to him before. He was never in such great pain that he couldn’t clean himself. Maybe sometimes he almost had to crawl to the bathroom, but at least he could crawl! And now… Hakkai felt white flash of anger shooting through his battered body. It was so unfair! The night belonged to him and nobody else! There was no room for Aka’s presence in any form, physical or mental.
It was the only rule the sorcerer never broke, saying that night is for sleeping and not for having fun. He never visited Hakkai after dark and so the brunette quickly got used to those safe and peaceful moments. The night was his time to regain composure, to chase after his sanity. He needed that to face another day of abuse. That’s why he always did his best to wipe away every trace of Aka’s existence from that room, from his bed and from his body before the night would come. Because only when he was alone and clean in the dark, Hakkai could finally be himself again. But now even this little piece of freedom was ruined! How could he forget, how could he even fall asleep still having that damn bastard all over him?!
Suddenly all the anger was forgotten, as Hakkai’s oversensitive demon ear picked up silent sound of footsteps on the corridor. Someone was coming to his room. Strange. Nobody hardly visited him, especially at this time of day. So who might it be? And why?
The door creaked lightly as the person entered the room and Hakkai’s nose wrinkled involuntarily. As much as he hated that animal-like reflex, he had to admit that it was very helpful at times. Maybe his nose wasn’t as good as a dog’s, but he certainly was able to recognize the scent of his visitor.
What is he doing here, thought Hakkai, slightly amazed. I don’t need him, not now. I don’t need anybody.
He kept his eyes shut in hope that the other would think he’s asleep and would go away. But light footsteps came closer to the bed and then they stopped.
“Are you asleep, big brother?”
Yes, I am, thought Hakkai breathing steadily. Go away, Inuki.
But the boy didn’t leave. He didn’t try to wake Hakkai up, but instead he started moving around, making some small noises. Hakkai didn’t even try to look, but still, he knew everything. Inuki was cleaning. He was picking up all that funny stuff Aka used, all those toys, restrains and whips, and was putting them to that old oak drawer in the far corner. He was wiping up all the blood that splattered on the floor and walls, and perhaps some other kind of stains as well.
That was strange. He never did that before, it was always one of the lower servants. Or Hakkai himself. Why the hell all of a sudden Aka sent his favorite pet to do the dirty work?
Soon Inuki was back at Hakkai’s side. He brought with him something that smelled like herbs. Intense, soothing scent filled brunette’s nose and made him wrinkle it involuntarily once again. He inhaled deeply, trying to recognize what sort of plants were used, and the next moment he knew he got himself caught.
“You’re awake, big brother,” Inuki sat carefully at the edge of the bed and leaned towards him. “Sorry, I tried not to be so noisy.”
Hakkai sighed and opened his eyes. Now he could see boy’s face, frowning at him with something that looked like real concern. “How do you feel?” asked Inuki softly.
“Not so good, as you can see,” Hakkai answered quietly. His throat also felt sore; he had to scream a lot more than usual. Aka liked when he was screaming. Aka liked giving him reasons for screaming.
“Can you get up?” came another question.
“Don’t you think if I could, I would be laying like this?” Hakkai’s answer was so harsh that it surprised both of them. Hakkai sighed and closed his eyes again, trying to calm a little. In his demon form, he never had much patience. It was like a little lack of self-control, or rather a better ability to let loose. And, on top of that, he was angry. So, frankly speaking, his weakness was the only reason why he didn’t try to kick this annoying brat out of his room.
“I just thought I could help you… refresh a little,” the boy didn’t lose his wits. “You know, clean the blood and all…”
Hakkai sighed once again. He felt nauseous at he very thought of Inuki looking - and touching - his battered, filthy body, but, on the other hand, Inuki’s help meant he could sleep in peace. And a peaceful night was worth a few more minutes of humiliation.
“Sorry for that,” Hakkai opened his eyes and looked at young demon. “I’ll accept your help gladly. But tell me, why are you here?”
“What do you mean?” Inuki shifted a little and reached towards the night table. There was a glass bowl there. The boy took a small cloth and put it in the bowl, which appeared to be full of water. Clever kid, thought Hakkai, he knew I wouldn't refuse. “I’m just curious,” he said aloud, “why Aka sent you.”
“He didn’t,” Inuki rinsed the cloth and carefully lifted Hakkai’s hand. “I came here on my own.”
Hakkai tried not to make any sound as strained muscles and joints in his arm and shoulder screamed in pain. He couldn’t tell how long he was hanging tied up to the hook in the ceiling, but it was definitely too long. Skin on his wrist was raw red, with crusts of blood and small cuts here and there. Aka didn’t use his favorite padded leather cuffs this time. No, this time it was just an ordinary rope.
“So let me ask you once again,” Hakkai winced slightly as the warm, wet cloth touched his skin. “Why did you came here?” Inuki didn’t answer for a long while. He was cleaning his hand with long practiced moves that made Hakkai wonder where the hell this boy got so much practice.
“I just wanted to make sure you’ll be all right, big brother,” said the boy at last, rinsing the cloth and reaching for Hakkai’s other hand. “I was near this room when you… upset the Master. So I knew--”
“It’s really nice of you that you’re worrying about me,” Hakkai interrupted him through his clenched teeth. The other hand hurt much more and the pain made him even more impatient. He didn’t need the pity, not from this boy. It wasn’t so long ago when he had searched for any sign of compassion in his emerald eyes but he had found nothing. And now the very same demon was coming here, calling him ‘big brother’ and helping him, because he *knew* Hakkai could use some help. Wasn't it ironic?
“All right, I don’t think it’s necessary to bandage those,” the boy’s voice was so soft as he put Hakkai’s hand back on the pillow. “Now if you don’t mind…”
Hakkai closed his eyes, feeling the boy is slowly lifting the sheets. He didn’t like that heavy silence that came after that; he could almost feel the touch of Inuki’s frightened eyes on his mutilated skin. “Is it that bad?” he finally asked. “No, not at all,” young demon answered, too quick and too cheery. He reached for the cloth avoiding Hakkai’s eyes. “It already started to heal. I… I just didn’t expect to see…”
“Yeah, he used a regular whip this time,” Hakkai tried to sound casual, but he shuddered inside at the memory. Then he shuddered for real, as the damp cloth touched his back. Stinging and burning, he couldn’t keep himself from gasping. Inuki worked in silence, without any unnecessary moves that would add an unnecessary pain, and after the first unpleasant impression the warmth of the water and boy’s soothing strokes became almost pleasurable. Hakkai closed his eyes and started to relax for real.
Somehow it all reminded him of Gojyo. Gojyo’s hands were big, strong and calloused, but they could be so delicate when he was touching Hakkai’s body. He used to sponge bathe him like that too, back then, when he still was Cho Gonou, a miserable, wounded excuse for a human being. Gojyo never thought it was something inappropriate to touch this filthy body, and with this simple act of hygiene he gave him gentle caresses and simple human touch that Hakkai needed so much. And he never really stopped taking care of him. He always insisted on helping him to dress his wounds or massage his stiffen neck after hours of driving. Even if they caused pain, Gojyo’s hands always gave him nothing but the pleasure. Gojyo’s hands…
“Master was never so rough to me,” Inuki’s soft voice brought Hakkai back to reality. “What did you do to make him so angry?”
“What did I do?” Hakkai almost smiled at the memory of his foolishness. His bottom lip stung and he unconsciously licked small cut, tasting the salty blood. “I opposed him. I said no.”
Inuki’s hand froze still. “Why?” he asked, leaning closer. “So far you seemed to agree on all of that. So why?”
What can I tell you, thought Hakkai looking in those big, green eyes, so tainted and yet so innocent. What can I say? That he wanted me to enjoy it? That he made me to enjoy it so now I hate my body more than ever? That I hate being such a god damned pervert I am? You could say that I shouldn’t be surprised. First, I fell for my own sister, then I became a mass murderer and as if it wasn’t enough, I fucked my best male friend. So what else could I feel in the arms of some sadistic psycho? He’s so perfect match for me!
“I never agreed to anything. I wasn’t given any choice,” Hakkai was surprised that his voice actually sounded so calm and composed. “If it wasn’t for Gojyo I would never let Aka touch me that way.”
Inuki didn’t say anything. He just rinsed the cloth once again and continued his work. He wiped all of Hakkai’s back and slowly and methodically came lower. The brunette squeezed his eyes shut and fought the urge to kick and scream as those hands reached his sore ass. The boy had to sense something because his moves became even gentler. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but I have to… Or perhaps you don’t want me to?”
“Just continue, please,” said Hakkai through his gritted teeth. And the boy obeyed.
The next few minutes felt like ages. Hakkai thought that he couldn’t possibly feel more embarrassed than he already was, but again he was wrong. He tried not to think about what the boy was looking at, what he was seeing, and what he was thinking. He tried to tell himself that nothing of that matters, that he just has to forget about himself, about his body, about the whole real world. He tried, he tried very hard. And he hoped that one day he will succeed.
Finally Inuki slowly put away the damp cloth and took small box from the table. As he opened it, the herbal scent became more intensive. He scooped some of the contents and started to rub it into Hakkai’s back. “So, you love him, don’t you?” he asked quietly. “This Gojyo guy, I mean.”
“Yes, I do,” answered Hakkai without hesitation.
“And does he love you the same way?”
“I don’t know,” Hakkai couldn’t help but smile lightly. “It would be great if he did, but it doesn’t matter. I would do it even if he hated me.”
Whatever was that thing Inuki was putting on his back, Hakkai already felt better. It cooled the burning and soothed the stinging. The night was almost saved. The boy’s gentle hands massaged slowly his abused skin and it felt so great to be touched like that, without any dirty intentions. He almost forgot by now how it is to be happy with someone’s touch. He didn’t want this contact to ever end, but he had to stop it soon or his fragile sanity would shatter into pieces. Again.
“I really appreciate what you did for me tonight,” Hakkai shifted a little and looked over his shoulder, “but I think you should better go now.”
“Oh, all right,” Inuki looked surprised but he stopped massaging Hakkai’s back and slowly pulled a cover over him. “If you need something more…”
“No, I’m fine,” the brunette tried to smile a little, but his lips suddenly twitched. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke once more. “I just want to be alone right now. So if you don’t mind…”
“Not at all,” the boy got up and gathered all his stuff. But as he took first few steps towards the door he suddenly stopped and turned around. “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” he said averting Hakkai’s eyes, “but I know how your friend is.”
Hakkai held his breath. For a long painful moment he imagined that the next words would break his heart, but then the boy spoke again. “I’m not allowed to go where he is,” he said quietly, “but I was talking to one of the maids. Your friend is locked in one of the guest rooms. He’s safe. Only she and other servant are able to open the door. So none of Master’s men can go in there. Your friend is safe.”
With those words Inuki turned and rushed from the room. Hakkai was too shocked to try to stop him, and when he was able to speak again the boy was already gone. “Thank you, Inuki,” he whispered hoarsely towards the closed door.
Gojyo was safe.
He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
Gojyo was safe. I was able to save him.
The night finally came and slowly embraced his aching body, and brought the darkness into his eyes and mind. There was nothing scary in it, just silence and calmness, and freedom. And memories and dreams, that slowly lulled him into blissful oblivion.
***
The night finally came. He loved it, more than ever. The night was his asylum, his time of peace. He could forget about the fear, ‘cause in the darkness there was nothing to be afraid of. Maybe except the upcoming day that is. He could sit quietly, tucked under the covers, just like now, feeling warm and safe, watching the stars shining behind the small window. It was good. He liked that.
His body was aching but he didn’t care. He knew he had blood on his face and probably in his hair as well, but he chose to ignore it. Because if he wanted to clean it, he would have to get up, go to the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror. And lately he was trying to avoid it as much as he could.
He didn’t like to look at his pale and hollow ghost-like face. He didn’t like to look at all those scratches and bruises. He didn’t like to see his own blood that matched his hair color so perfectly. He truly became an ugly mutt, shaggy and gaunt, and he really couldn’t help it. Yes, he had quite nice room with nice small bathroom, yes, those abusive guards didn’t disturb him, yes, the meals were good. But he never knew when Aka would visit him, so he tried not to eat much before, and after every encounter he often felt too sick to swallow a single bite. In fact, he was constantly feeling like throwing up. And often he did.
Well, today Gojyo considered himself lucky. That black bastard was so furious when he came here, he didn’t even try anything sexual. He wasn’t shouting, wasn’t calling him names. He just started to beat him, slowly and methodically, without any sign of emotions.
This guy is a pro, thought the redhead as he tried to shift his body a little to ease some pain. He did beat the living shit out of him, but he didn’t cause any serious injury. Nothing fatal, nothing that wouldn’t heal by itself. “So again, I was lucky, but not enough to die,” Gojyo whispered with lopsided smirk as he pressed his aching head against cold wall.
No, let’s not think about death, he ordered himself. Let’s think about Hakkai.
Thinking about Hakkai was his daily routine. Or rather nightly. He could spend hours just recalling all the good and the bad moments of their friendship. Those days, when he had this quiet wounded stranger in his bed and days, when the stranger came back to him as a friend. And of course days that came after that, their journey, fighting arm to arm, resting and laughing, and driving for hours, and helping each other to struggle with their miserable past.
Maybe Hakkai was able to get over his issues, but Gojyo certainly didn’t. Yeah, he could pretend, but he couldn’t fool anyone. They called him pervert and were joking about his attitude towards women, but they knew the truth. And the truth was, he was just a whore. He was ready to go to bed with anyone who show him just a little interest. He would give himself away completely to any woman in need, taking in return only mere physical satisfaction. He never knew how to ask for more, and even if he did, he wouldn’t do that. Because he wasn’t worthy.
Gojyo smiled to himself in the darkness, but it wasn’t happy smile. It was really good thing that this black bastard took him with Hakkai. Because now his dearest friend was safe, and he - the bitch - could do for him what he always did best.
Suddenly he felt nauseous again, so he slowly sunk onto the bed and curled himself into tight ball. Oh, how much he hated himself right now. He was such a miserable son of a bitch, who couldn’t defend himself and his best friend in any other way than with letting someone using him as a sex slave. He had to find a way of getting them out of this shit, he had to kill that sicko somehow. He promised Hakkai that he would, he promised…
The darkness felt good. It was like another blanket over his shoulders, it was giving him warmth and safety. It was giving him time to think. To make plans. To dream. When he was lying like that, he was almost sure that he’ll find a way, he’ll make Aka pay for everything. And then, perhaps, he will finally be able to look at himself in the mirror, without shame, without disgust.
And maybe, just maybe, he would be worthy enough to look Hakkai in the eyes.
***
To be continued
I started this story because I wanted to write some sex scenes with my two favorite characters. But suddenly it all became so angsty… Where is the smut?? Well, I think it will reappear before the end, but who knows where my imagination will lead me? Lemon lovers - keep your fingers crossed ^__^
TBR