Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ A Simple Kiss ❯ Motivations Illuminated ( Chapter 4 )

Title: A Simple Kiss - Chapter 4: Motivations Illuminated

Warnings: PG-13 This is where the yaoi comes in folks, so if you don't like that kind of thing, please don't read it. Minor bad language, for both Sanzo and Goku.

* * * * * *

Goku let Sanzo pull him into the small bedroom, then backed up against the bed until he felt the edge of it hit his knees. He collapsed gratefully onto it, not sure that his trembling legs would have supported him for much longer. Goku watched as Sanzo closed the door and then leaned against it gracefully. He found that he couldn't look the monk in the face no matter how hard he tried. It was like his eyes had a life of their own.

Goku couldn't remember a time when he had been so confused and yet so filled with certainty that what was happening was right. He had been astonished when Sanzo had reached out to him, couldn't believe it when the man had laced their fingers together and pulled him close. But when Sanzo had leaned forward and kissed him, something in him told him that this was the way it was supposed to be.

He had surprised himself by seeking Sanzo's lips a second time, especially with the ferocity with which he had done it. Wanting to be closer to his sun, he had drawn his hand up the man's neck until he could bury it in his golden hair, pulling him forward. While they had been connected for longer than they remembered, he had never felt closer to Sanzo than he had right then.

When Sanzo had pulled back with a curse, his first thought had been that Sanzo was rejecting his advances. His apprehension had changed to relief instantly when he saw the monk drop the cigarette he had been smoking into the ashtray and shake the hand he had burned. His concern about Sanzo's slight injury had warred with his elation that he hadn't been rejected.

So now here they were, but things were becoming uncomfortable.

Goku searched for a way to break the silence, finally looking up and realizing that Sanzo was still shaking his burned hand slightly. He got up from the bed and walked over to him, taking the hand in his own and bringing it up to peer at the fingers closely. They were slightly red, but not seriously burned. Without thinking, he reached down inside himself and captured a little bit of ki, sending it through his fingers and into Sanzo's hand. A cool green glow lit his fingertips for a second, then faded away. Examining the hand still in his, he noted with satisfaction that the red seemed to have faded entirely.

He looked up at Sanzo with a slight smile on his face. "Better?" The smile disappeared as he took in Sanzo's shocked expression. He dropped the monk's hand and took a step back.

Sanzo just stared at him for a second, then looked down at his hand. "How did you do that? I didn't know that Hakkai was teaching you healing."

"He isn't. I…I don't know how I did it. I just knew that I could, so I did."

Sanzo didn't say anything, just looked at him. Goku felt even more uncomfortable than he had before, and retreated back to the bed. He looked down at his hands, wondering what had possessed him to heal the other man like that. He hadn't been lying; he wasn't sure how he had known he could do it.

"Goku"

He looked up at his name to find Sanzo watching him. There was a weird expression on his face that Goku couldn't place, but he was more surprised that there was actually something showing on that normally expressionless face.

"This afternoon, during the fight…. Why? Why did you do it?"

"Why did I do what? You mean go after the sword?"

Sanzo nodded.

"Why not? I had to make sure you weren't hurt." Goku was mortified to find that he was blushing slightly at this admission.

"You could have been killed, or at least hurt badly."

"But I wasn't, and more importantly, neither were you. So it's all right. It was just an accident."

Sanzo looked away from him then, turning towards the window. Goku followed his gaze outside, but in his mind's eye he could see the battle happening.

* * * * * *

It was just another battle in a long string of them, day after day, and while Goku fought with his normal skill, he found his enthusiasm waning. What he wouldn't give for an opponent that was a little more challenging. He wondered where Kougaiji was, and if they would get to continue their fight soon. Now that was a challenge!

Finishing his fights with ease, he turned to check on the rest of the group. Sanzo was to his left, in the process of shooting the last of the youkai coming after him. Hakkai was across from him, and Goku watched with slight envy as he released a large ki ball into the last two youkai in front of him. Gojyo was to his right, coming back through the trees after having chased the last of his quarry down. He wiped the blade of his weapon on the grass, cleaning it, and then shot a thumbs up to Goku.

Goku turned to head back with the others to where they had left Hakuryuu when movement caught his eye. He whipped back around when he realized that it was a youkai, bleeding profusely from major wounds. He noticed the sword in the youkai's hand as he sprinted towards him, but paid it no mind until the demon threw it. Following the path with his eyes, he panicked when he realized it would hit Sanzo in the back.

He rapidly changed his direction to intercept the weapon, pushing himself to sprint even faster, noting the flash of white light out of the corner of his eye that meant Hakkai had taken care of the youkai. He ran diagonally towards the weapon, closing on it fast, but not fast enough to prevent it from hitting Sanzo. He closed his eyes for a split second, took two powerful strides, then launched himself into the air.

His hand made contact with the sword, knocking it out of the air just before the ki blast hit him in the chest, throwing him backwards. He gasped as the air was punched from his lungs, and felt his chest burning as he plowed into the ground. His last thought before unconsciousness took him was to wonder if he had made it in time.

Sanzo didn't realize anything was happening until Gojyo yelled his name. He spun around at the fear in the man's voice, and saw the sword nearly upon him. There wasn't time to dodge the deadly weapon. At nearly the same instant he noticed Goku sprinting towards him, closing in on the missile. Some detached part of his brain registered that he had never seen the boy move so fast. He saw him leap into the air, batting the weapon to the ground right before it hit him. Sanzo didn't even have time to breathe a sigh of relief before Goku was knocked to the ground at his feet by Hakkai's ki blast. His eyes widened in horror. He heard Hakkai and Gojyo running towards him, but he froze, staring at Goku's unmoving body.

Hakkai dropped to his knees on the ground next to Goku, practically yelling the boy's name in his horror at what he had just done. He had seen the weapon, known its intended target, and had thrown a ki blast to knock it away. It wasn't until the fireball was out of his hands that he saw Goku moving in the same direction. He could do nothing but watch as the two collided, throwing Goku to the ground. Even as he moved across the clearing towards him, he noted with relief that both his other companions seemed to have avoided injury. That meant he could use all his ki on Goku.

Hakkai ripped away the burned and still smoking shirt from Goku's body, and they all winced as the red and blistered flesh came into view. He heard Gojyo beside him, but didn't turn away from Goku as the man breathlessly commented, "He took a full blast to the chest. He should be dead."

Hakkai shook his head. "No, not a fully charged blast. I was only trying to knock the weapon away." Still, he knew that even the weakened blast could do a great deal of harm. He lifted Goku's head and shoulders, trying to pull his shirt further away from the burn.

At the movement, Goku's eyes drifted open. He struggled to sit up, almost hitting Hakkai in the process, then hissed as the full pain from his chest hit him. He clenched his fists, but ignored the pain as he looked wildly around. "Sanzo. Did I make it in time? Is he… "

Sanzo stepped around Gojyo into the young man's field of vision and Goku relaxed visibly. "I thought… I was afraid I wouldn't make it, that neither of us would make it."

Sanzo raised an eyebrow at this last statement, but didn't get to respond as Goku was already speaking again.

"This hurts, Hakkai. Remind me never to piss you off."

Hakkai had stilled at Goku's previous statement, and this comment made him pale further. Finding his voice at last, he managed to croak, "Goku, did you see the blast coming?"

Goku looked at him. "I had to make sure one of us got it before it got to Sanzo."

There was quiet as the three men gathered around Goku digested this information.

Sanzo spoke up first. "How dare you? How dare you so blatantly throw your life away to save mine. I've told you before, I don't need your damn protection." His relief at seeing the boy alive was quickly displaced by a rage that shook him to the depths of his soul. He refused to think about why he was so angered by Goku's action, refused to draw the parallels to Koumyou's death.

Hakkai and Gojyo looked at him with confusion written on their faces, puzzled at the level of his anger. Goku stared at him, hurt seeping into his eyes. "I'm sorry, I just… sorry." The boy trailed off, averting his eyes.

Hakkai continued to watch Sanzo, and the blond saw the sudden dawn of comprehension in his eyes. He couldn't take that look and turned his back to the group.

Goku looked to Hakkai for answers, but he could give him none. Instead he said, "Goku, this looks like a pretty bad burn. I'm so sorry, I didn't see you in time."

Goku brushed his words off with a shrug. "Look, it's no big deal. I'm rechargeable, remember? Really, I'm fine Hakkai, it doesn't hurt that much." To prove his point he pushed himself to his feet. He made it to a standing position, but then pitched forward, right into the arms of his guardian, who had turned back around at his statement.

Goku looked up in surprise at Sanzo and managed to say, "Okay, maybe it hurts a little" before sliding into unconsciousness again.

Sanzo looked down at the monkey in his arms and said nothing but "Idiot".

* * * * * *

Thinking about the battle made Goku cringe again as he recalled the pain that had radiated out from his chest. He had woken up in the inn with Hakkai hovering over him, healing the burned flesh. Now there was nothing to see but a large red patch. He could still see a little of the red flesh peeking over the top of his t-shirt, but at least it didn't hurt anymore.

Sanzo had turned back to him sometime during his ruminating, and he looked up to see those violet eyes searching his face.

"Does it still hurt?"

"No." Goku answered truthfully. "I was just remembering."

"I meant what I said. I don't need anyone to protect me."

"I know that." Goku said quietly. "But you can't expect me to just stand by and watch you get hurt when I can do something to stop it."

Sanzo strode over to the bed and grabbed the young man's chin with angry fingers, yanking his face up towards him. "Damn it, I will not have another person sacrifice themselves to save me. I will not live with the death of another person on my conscience. Not Gojyo, not Hakkai, and especially not you." He stared at the boy with hard eyes.

Goku twisted his chin out of Sanzo's grasp. "I will not live with your death on my conscience. I can't. And if that means I have to endanger myself, then I will." He stared back at Sanzo in defiance, every line in his face emphasizing that he meant what he said.

Sanzo growled at him, but Goku didn't back down. This was too important. He was still shocked at what had already happened, and his nerves were getting to him. He shot up from the bed in one fluid movement, surprising Sanzo so much that he took a step back. Goku's next action was fueled entirely by his heated anger and a strong desire to pummel his opinion into the monk.

He grabbed Sanzo by both shoulders and pulled him forward, bringing their faces together before Sanzo could react. Goku crushed their lips together in a kiss that was bruising in its intensity. He poured all of his frustration into the kiss, and felt Sanzo jerk slightly before responding with the same. They battled for dominance, warring with each other over who was right. Neither gave any ground, and as their struggle continued, Goku felt as if he was being consumed on a holy pyre. He vaguely noticed that Sanzo's arms had curled around him, hands fisting in his t-shirt and pulling him even closer. His own hands had slid down and around Sanzo's shoulders to hold him tightly.

He was surprised when Sanzo pulled back first, not conceding defeat, but not able to continue the battle either. Sanzo pushed away from his grasp, half turning from him. "You have no idea how much it hurt me, watching Koumyou die while protecting me, " the man bit out. "You have no idea. I can not go through that again. I will not. If you insist on being reckless, you can get the hell out of here. I will not watch you die."

Goku felt his anger drain out of him at this explanation of Sanzo's fury. It hadn't occurred to him that Sanzo would fear seeing history repeat itself in him. He stepped forward, placing a cautious hand on the small of Sanzo's back. "I'm not going to die. I've lived for over 500 years, and I intend to live a lot longer. It will take more than what happened today to take me down. You don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself."

"Who said I was worried about you?" Sanzo replied, but there was no bite to his insult.

Goku could tell a blatant lie when he saw one. Why else would Sanzo be so angry with him if he hadn't been worried? Was this why Sanzo had reacted to him tonight? Because of this fear that he wouldn't admit to? No wonder he had been acting so un-Sanzo like.

When Sanzo didn't pull away from the hand on his lower back, Goku ran it up his spine to his neck and began to rub lightly. He was surprised to find that Sanzo didn't shrug him off, and even seemed to relax a bit. Encouraged by this reaction, he moved slowly behind the man, trying to make sure he didn't startle him, treating him as he would a frightened rabbit. His other hand joined the first on Sanzo's neck, and he began to massage the tense muscles there. He worked his way down to the man's shoulders, digging his fingers into the knots that seemed to be permanent residents. Sanzo relaxed even more under his touch and he tentatively sent a slow flow of ki into his hands, using it to help soothe him.

That was the wrong move however, for as soon as Sanzo noticed the green glow he jerked out of Goku's hands and whirled to face him. "Stop that, damn it! I will not be pacified like a child. You will listen to me!" He advanced on Goku as he spoke, and this time Goku couldn't hold his ground. He backed up until he hit the wall. Sanzo continued to advance on him until they were inches apart, and he insured that Goku couldn't go anywhere by slamming a hand onto the wall on either side of his head. He leaned in, his harsh breathing hot on Goku's face. As much as Goku wanted to look away from the monk, he couldn't. He was trapped in those angry violet eyes.

When he spoke, Sanzo's voice was quiet in its fury. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but I'm only going to say it once, so listen up. I. Don't. Want. You. To. Protect. Me. You mean too much to me to lose you like that. I don't know why the fuck it's true, but it is. Trying to figure it out would just be more annoying than you are. So stay out of the way. I need you there by my side, not a fucking dead body at my feet."

Goku could only gape at him. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Had Sanzo just admitted, albeit in his own roundabout way, that he cared about him? That was just way to good to be true. Now he thought he understood why this felt so right. Sanzo actually cared about him! The thought made heat pool in the pit of his stomach.

Wanting to show that he understood, he placed a hand on each of Sanzo's wrists and slowly drew them up the man's arms. He was amused to see the goose bumps that followed his fingers in their journey to Sanzo's shoulders. 'I do understand,' he thought, 'I know what you are trying to say, what you can't say. I feel it too.'

* * * * * *

Sanzo shivered at the light touch on his arms, never taking his eyes off the boy trapped in front of him. Though diminished, his anger was still there, but it only served to intensify his quickly growing desire for this infuriating young man. He longed to close the already small distance between them, but he was wary of where this would lead. Despite his instincts telling him to go for it, he was not one to be ruled by instinct, no matter that it had already controlled their interactions that night.

The intensity of his reactions to Goku shook him, but Goku had always had the ability to break down his walls. And after the stupid stunt he had pulled this afternoon, Sanzo had been shocked to find that he couldn't face the idea of losing Goku in such a way. He had always assumed that Goku would eventually grow up and leave him, and that he could deal with, but to lose him to death after such a short time together was unthinkable. Though why he had actually told Goku as much he had no idea.

Sanzo struggled with his thoughts while Goku continued to caress his arms. Damn it, why was this so hard? He should have no problem pushing Goku out the door and slamming it behind him, but found that he just couldn't. Finally convincing himself he could keep control over this situation, he removed his hands from the wall and pulled Goku to him. He still wasn't sure what he was doing, still didn't understand why he was allowing this to happen, but he couldn't focus on anything but the fear he had felt upon seeing Goku fall in front of him. That fear almost drove him to cling to the young man. Despite this desire to just hold him in his arms, he refused to allow himself to show that much weakness. He could show his passion, but tenderness involved breaking too many long held habits.

So when he pulled Goku against himself, it wasn't to envelop him in a hug, but instead to drive his mouth onto the young man's. Goku responded with equal passion, crushing their lips together. The contact brought a moan unbidden to Sanzo's lips, escaping into Goku's mouth before he could stop it. Goku moaned at the same time, and knowing he was feeling the same way excited Sanzo to no end. They couldn't share loving caresses or words of kindness, but this overwhelming desire was one thing they could share with a level of comfort. Sanzo knew that the time would eventually come when he would have to decide if he could willingly let Goku through all his emotional barriers, but right now this was enough for them both.

Goku's t-shirt was easily removed, allowing Sanzo full access to the young man's muscular chest. He couldn't stop himself from running his hands down the smooth chest, feeling the muscles ripple under his light touch. Goku moaned again, and Sanzo pulled back slightly, wanting to see his face. His breath caught in his throat at the unguarded longing in Goku's eyes. He wondered for a moment if the same look could be found on his own face, and then he lost sight of the golden orbs as his leather top was pulled over his head by Goku's quick hands.

He heard Goku gasp quietly at the sight of him, and the young man leaned back to see him better. Sanzo blushed slightly at the close scrutiny. His blush deepened when Goku told him, with awe in his voice, "Shit Sanzo, you are so damn sexy." The simple statement sent shivers of flame racing through his body. He didn't know what he ultimately wanted from the boy, but he knew that right now he wanted this. The rest he would figure out when thinking wasn't so difficult.

Sanzo's body responded ardently to Goku's hands on his naked chest, caressing him as they trailed down to fumble with his zipper. Goku's hands felt rough and calloused compared to the smooth skin under Sanzo's hands. He seemed to have no ability to control his own reactions, and a gasp snuck out as Goku finally managed the zipper. He lost himself then, in the questing touch, surrendering to a myriad of sensations he couldn't remember ever having experienced before.

He felt like every nerve in his body was at its most sensitive. It was all his overwhelmed brain could do to process the information from his nerves. He could feel Goku's smooth skin, heated with his desire. His own body was consumed by a low-centered fire. He could hear Goku's uneven breathing, could feel the rise and fall of his chest as his own fingers trailed their way down to tug at the young man's shorts, wanting them out of the way. His own quick breathing was deafening in his ears, and his heart thudded madly in his chest. He couldn't seem to get enough oxygen, and found himself gasping for breath.

He was naked now, though he couldn't remember how exactly that had happened. He had had to participate, but everything was blurring, making it hard to focus on one feeling, one sight, one emotion, one event. He pulled Goku's shorts down in one quick movement and tossed them away. They had somehow ended up on the bed, and the feeling of skin on bare skin was intoxicating. Sanzo knew then that he had been wrong, that he couldn't control this at all. What was happening was bigger than him, bigger than them both, and even he didn't have the willpower to resist it. He finally let himself surrender completely, though he knew he would berate himself for it later.

* * * * * *

Later, when it was over and they lay curled together on his bed, Sanzo, though exhausted, couldn't find escape in sleep. His mind screamed at him about what he had just done, what they had just done. He saw it all in a flash, as though he was a detached observer, the panting, the thrusting, the sound of Goku moaning his name, moaning Goku's name himself. He stilled on a single picture, himself suspended above Goku, their eyes locked together in the middle of their movements, speaking volumes to each other. What was done was done, and couldn't be undone. He tried not to feel uncomfortable with what had just happened, but couldn't help but wonder how this would change things between them. Was he ready for this? Was Goku? Why had he allowed himself to get so carried away? Would he, could he, allow it to happen again?

Sanzo was torn between too many desires to sort them out easily, so he pushed all thought aside for later. Hesitant to enjoy Goku's closeness, he lay on his back feeling the young man's warmth, but not making any move to get closer. Oddly enough, he felt like he was missing a rare opportunity. The monk shut his eyes, but it was a long time before he slept.

In the depths of sleep, Sanzo's body betrayed him for the last time that night, and he pulled Goku close.

* * * * * *

A/N:

Another chapter that I just loved writing. I really enjoy writing Sanzo / Goku interaction, they are such an interesting couple.

I must extend my thanks and appreciation to stitcher2ficcer. She has been kind enough to read through and edit my story, and her comments and critiques have encouraged me and helped me to become a better writer. She can never know how wonderful she truly is. Thank you so much!

Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. 50 reviews for 3 chapters, that's incredible! I hope this chapter fit the bill for all the 39 fans out there.

Pervasive Threnody: I hope this chapter was even more drool worthy. I love this pairing too, they are just great together. I'm glad you think it's believable, I've been working really hard to keep them both in character as much as possible, especially Sanzo. He can be so difficult sometimes.

Zek Majiri: I appreciate your faith in me. The next chapter will be Hakkai based (though not 58, sorry), so lets see what you think about how I write him then.

Forsaken^On3: I love it when I can find a story that I can see playing out in my mind, it makes it that much more enjoyable. I'm happy you said that mine did that for you. I hope you enjoyed this one as well.

Yuki Kurai: I wasn't really going for funny, but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway.

Nozomi Anshin: Glad you like it. Hope this update was soon enough for you.

Karisuma: Descriptions are my strong point most of the time, so I'm happy you like them.

Callie: I'm not sure if this chapter will bring you out of your catatonic state or put you in even deeper. Either way I hope you like it.

mabaroshi16: Thank you! I've enjoyed For the Smile of Tomorrow. I really like the last chapter! Hope you have enjoyed my story just as much.

R.A.Ducko: Finally got to know what started all this. Feel better now?

Crimson1: I just love Don't Speak, so I'm glad you are enjoying my story as well. Thanks for the compliment on my writing, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be when I first started out.

Bakasaru Boi: I needed a pause to get them into the next room. You didn't expect all this to happen where Gojyo or Hakkai could see, did you?

Am1-13th: Thanks for the *GLOMP*. I'm not really sure what you mean by an 'h' in this chapter, so I can't answer that.

Hikaru R. Kudou: I have enjoyed your 3x9fics as well, especially Predilection. I'm glad you like mine.

Lirin: Thanks!