Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Breaking ❯ Breaking ( One-Shot )

Warnings: This fic contains a yaoi lemon. Don't read if that's not your thing or find out what it is before reading. Also, some 'questionable' language is used and slight spoilers for Gojyo's past are present. Don't read if that bugs ya. And…I suppose that's it for the warnings. ^^;;

Author's Note: Yes, this is different from warnings. I'm stating right now I wrote this without any careful planning; I simply let the plot take care of itself and let the words flow. As a result, the fic may be a bit awkward and choppy or the meaning hard to grasp. Don't worry, it's just me being all angsty and determined to write a fic for… K-Mey's Gojyo shrine [http://www1.netzany.com/kappa/]! *bows* My little contribution to your adorable site, K-Mey! Enjoy!

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Breaking

Gojyo sighs softly as he enters the room, the only light in it coming from the moon shining through an open window and the faintly glowing tip of his cigarette. There is a slight stirring from the bed and he guiltily extinguishes the cigarette before starting to undress. He undresses with his back to the bed, but he can feel the hungry eyes of his lover fastened on him, the weight of them on him is so heavy, he feels as though they are pushing him down to the ground. And he is glad of the feeling, for it means someone wants him. Someone needs him, if not only for that brief period of time it takes to reach climax. And he smiles as the last of his clothing drops to the floor.

He stands still for a moment, enjoying the wanting eyes on his body and the cool night air making his skin tingle. But he does not stay away from the bed long, he is already beginning to feel excited just by a pair of hungry, wanting eyes. And so he turns and strides quickly over to the bed, turning down the sheets and slipping in, besides the man he has chosen for his lover.

They lay still for a moment, hearts pounding, eyes open wide and staring, feeling as nervous as though it was their first time together. Then slowly, Gojyo turns to him, pressing his body along his lover's as he wraps his arms around the wiry frame and kisses him.

Hakkai turns readily into Gojyo's kiss, loving the way his lips feel against his own, warm, firm, wet and hot. There is a brief moment of contentment for Hakkai as Gojyo simply kisses him, his tongue warming the cool recesses of Hakkai's mouth and his lips warming Hakkai's whole body. This is what Hakkai craves; this is what Hakkai lives for.

But soon, too soon, the tender kiss is over and Gojyo is moving over him, his face shadowed by the dark night and his body hot and pulsing against Hakkai's. Hakkai's own body responds to this and he willingly parts his legs, allowing Gojyo better access as the redhead's hands attack his body. Hakkai's eyes are closed and his lips parted as his breathing comes in short gasps as Gojyo quickly begins to stretch him for the final consummation of their union. Gojyo's own breathing is harried and ragged as he watches Hakkai push against him, equally aroused and wanton. He quickly finishes preparing Hakkai's body and without a word of warning, enters the man moving beneath him.

Hakkai cries out, his whole body tensing around Gojyo at the sudden intrusion. Gojyo presses a swift kiss to his lover's lips, but his breathing is too heavy and irregular for much more than a chaste kiss. There is brief moment to catch their breaths and then, Gojyo is thrusting into Hakkai and Hakkai is responding, his body moving in time with Gojyo's.

And even as they race towards completion, Hakkai wonders as his eyes fall shut and his body works against Gojyo's - who taught this man how to fuck, but not how to love? Tears form behind closed lids, but he does not know if it is because Gojyo is fucking him but not loving or if it is because of the sheer intensity that overtakes him as he reaches his climaxes and shudders around Gojyo, crying out with fulfillment as he feels the simultaneous warmth spreading throughout him as Gojyo lets out a hoarse cry and collapses on top of him.

They lay still for a long moment, their bodies slick with sweat and their breathing loud in one another's ear. Gojyo makes no move to get off of him and Hakkai does not initiate it. He likes the feeling of Gojyo's warm weight sprawled over him, the feel of his chest slowly rising up and down evenly as their breathing slows. And still, as he stares up into the darkness, his eyes are filled with tears.

Because Gojyo does not know how to make love, but only how to fuck. And he won't let Hakkai teach him any differently.

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Hakkai lies still as he hears the man next to him stir. Gojyo yawns and sits up, running his hands through his hair until they are forced to stop, stopped by the tangles that reside in the long red strands. He curses, "I'm going to cut this all off one day again. I hate this mess!"

Hakkai speaks, startling his lover. Gojyo thought he was still asleep. "I like your hair. Don't cut it." Gojyo turns and gives him a crooked smile as Hakkai sits up beside him and without a second thought, reaches out to wrap his arms around the other's waist, his head resting on Gojyo's shoulder. Gojyo responds to the warm embrace for a moment, smiling softly at Hakkai before suddenly pushing the other man away and standing up abruptly. Hakkai gazes sadly at him as Gojyo hurriedly pulls on some clothing and with a grimace, picks up a hairbrush and starts a determined attack on his snarled hair.

Hakkai watches silently as Gojyo struggles with the tangles in his long hair and with a soft sigh, stands up, the sheets of the bed twisting around his legs and binding him to it for a moment. He kicks off the sheets defiantly and moves over to Gojyo, taking the brush from his hand and with soft touches, begins to gently untangle the crimson tresses.

Gojyo freezes beneath Hakkai's gentle ministrations and with a harsh cry, knocks the brush from Hakkai's hand. Hakkai freezes behind him and they watch, frozen as the hairbrush tumbles from his hand and falls through the air, clattering to the floor and rolling a few feet until it stops and rests far away from Hakkai's gentle hands. And Gojyo's body shakes with emotion as he stares at the hairbrush and brings his hands to head, cradling the head covered in crimson strands between them. His lips part to apologize but nothing escapes but the word, "MAMA!" And Gojyo begins to scream, his hands clenched over his head as he falls to his knees and screams out her name, the name of the woman he loved and who's love he couldn't have, the name of the woman who wanted to kill him and the woman who's tears he wanted to stop. "Mama! Mama, mama, mamamamamamamama…."

And Hakkai kneels besides him, and listens to him scream for this woman, listens to him scream for the pain and fury she still brings him and says nothing for what do you say to a man who lives for pleasing a woman long dead? And he says nothing because he loves him and he doesn't want to hurt someone else he loves and finally, the only thing Hakkai can do is hold Gojyo and let him scream while his own tears fall silent and unnoticed, slipping effortlessly through the cursed red hair of the man in his arms. Finally, Gojyo stops shaking and stares at his lover with haunted crimson eyes, and speaks, his voice low and gravelly with emotion. "You're crying. Don't cry Hakkai. Why are you crying?"

Hakkai spreads his hands apart and tries to smile, but he can't, it's been years since he's frowned and cried and the only thing he can do is smile through the tears. Oh God, those welcome tears that pour in torrents down his face, washing away all the pain and dirt that's clung to him for so many years. Gojyo reaches out, hesitantly at first as he touches Hakkai's tears, bringing them to his lips and tasting them to see if Hakkai is crying real, salty tears. He is and with a sudden rush of open emotion, Gojyo gathers the other man in his arms, burying his face in soft dark locks. With one arm around Hakkai, Gojyo reaches up with the other hand to wipe away his tears, admonishing him slightly. "Don't cry Hakkai, I never want to see anyone I love cry again."

Hakkai is still and the tears pause in their flow down the curves of his face as he stares at Gojyo's lips and asks, "Do you love me?" Gojyo's face contorts with emotion, so many different sorts that Hakkai can't decide which is in control before he nods and with a soft sob, buries his face in Hakkai's shoulder, his body shaking once more as Hakkai wraps his arms around the hurting man, the abused little boy and gathers them both to him, murmuring soft things in his ear until he is calm again.

And Gojyo stays like that, wrapped in Hakkai's arms, breathing noisily and says nothing, only listens to Hakkai's words of love, soft murmurs that fill his mind until suddenly he is so tired, so, so tired and his eyes begin to close.

And Hakkai watches the man in his arms, wondering at the childlike vulnerability shining through him and bringing him to his knees like this. And he knows why Gojyo fucks. It is because he is afraid to love, afraid to see someone cry again, afraid to let himself break. And so he fucks, giving nothing and taking everything to protect himself and the one he loves from themselves. Hakkai has seen it, lived it, known it and he has done nothing to stop it. He has let Gojyo fuck him because he is the same as Gojyo. He doesn't want to see tears ever again, he only wants to see the smiles and that is why he smiles. He smiles and Gojyo fucks and neither is happy. They are miserable and yet they do not change because of fear. And Hakkai is angry now, angry with himself and with Gojyo for not letting the tears fall, for not letting the screams go, for not letting themselves break.

They expect themselves to be so strong, they expect for them to be able to keep going, even after they've seen the worse. And even when they find someone to support them, they shunt them aside and continue going alone because they're too headstong and caught up in their own self to not know when they can let go. And so they keep smiling and keep fucking even after they can let go. And they remain miserable.

But now…Hakkai looks at the silent Gojyo. His eyes are closed…but no, he is not sleeping. He is simply reveling in the warm comfort of Hakkai's arms. And Hakkai smiles. They've broken that day. Hakkai has lost his smile. Gojyo has lost his ability to fuck. And they're better for that. Because now, when Hakkai smiles there is truth behind the smile. There are tears and there is laughter and there is heartache and joy. And now, when Gojyo takes him to bed, there is no taking. Only giving and…there is love, now. Love that has been acknowledged and accepted. And oh God…for the first time Hakkai feels he can tell Gojyo. And he does.

Gojyo smiles weakly at him and reaches up with gentle, calloused hands to cup Hakkai's face, drawing him close to brush his lips in a feather-light kiss across Hakkai's. Hakkai shivers slightly and leans into the kiss, deepening it and stirring up the deep pool of passion and emotion that lies between them. Gojyo groans softly against Hakkai's lips, standing up and bringing Hakkai up with him. They stand still for a moment, their hands resting lightly on the other's chest and their foreheads brushing together faintly. And then, Gojyo takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent that is Hakkai and the scent that is them before wordlessly leading Hakkai towards the bed, an emotion flaming in his eyes never seen before.

Hakkai follows him to the bed, allowing himself to be sat down on the edge of the bed as Gojyo begins a long, delicate kissing process, his lips tracing the outline of Hakkai's face and then moving over to caress every inch of his face. As Gojyo's lips near his own, Hakkai gives a sigh of trembling anticipation, lifting his arms up to wrap around Gojyo's neck and to pull the man onto the bed with him as he lies back. And as Gojyo's lips travel in a steady trail down his neck, Hakkai smiles faintly, his arms still resting comfortably around Gojyo, his hands running tenderly through crimson strands that remind him of nothing but the man he loves.

And the faint smile widens because this time there will be tears, tears because Gojyo is loving him.

::End::