In the earlier version of this horror of a fic, I overdid on the Self- Insertion (as can be deduced from ChaosD' s review). In the hopes of salvaging the plot (Plot? What plot? I pray, tell?), I thought I'd give this fic a major mangling and fix the grammatical errors that I could get my hands on. I hope it's a little less awful now.

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. The people in this fic who portrayed lawyers, judges, juries and courtroom observers are not really lawyers, judges, juries and courtroom observers (which probably explains why the depicted court proceedings here might be different from the ones we see on TV).

Constitutional Disasters

By: Nikoru Sanzo

Chapter 3- Defensive Maneuvers of the Offensive Kind

It was almost noon, and the townspeople have begun to assemble in the courthouse. The ikkou, minus Hakkai of course, waited outside.

"I've been staring towards north for nearly three hours now! Where the hell is this help that the goddess was talking about?" Gojyo restlessly paced around.

"I wish I knew who's going to help us." Goku was throwing stones at the courthouse's front steps.

Sanzo looked up and saw three figures approaching them. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"What is it, bouzou?"

"Nothing".

There was something oddly familiar about the cloaked men, but Sanzo couldn't quite place it. Whoever they were, they're doing a good job of concealing their aura. Not even Goku was able to register anything in his senses for the monkey merely stared ahead, and then looked up at the blond priest.

"Ne, Sanzo, when's this trial thing gonna start? I'm hungry!"

Before Sanzo could whip out his harissen, one of the hooded figures had thrown his cloak, which landed on Gojyo' s face and had dashed straight for Goku.

"Ohayo, Son Goku. I hope you haven't forgotten about me?"

A fiery blade struggled against the nyoibou.

"Teme! I'll beat you up first and then I WILL!"

Goku kicked Homura squarely in the face and sent him flying straight across the courtyard.

"Ain't that sweet? He remembers!" The fighting god nursed his sore jaw with twinkling eyes.

"WH-what's going on here?!" Gojyo angrily tore the cloak from his head.

"Did that hag goddess put you up to this?" Sanzo pointed his revolver at Shien and Zenon who began discarding their own cloaks.

"We have sworn loyalty to the fighting god. It is only natural that we follow him to the ends of the earth." Shien replied.

Zenon scratched his head. "Then we remembered that there was this really tiny fine print under the dotted line that says 'whatsoever fanon Homura volunteers himself for, then we are afforded the privilege of throwing ourselves into the mercy of The Fanfic Author 's Invisible Hand', similar to that of Adam Smith' s, but only far more merciless and infinitely sadistic."

"What?" Sanzo eyed him suspiciously.

Zenon hacked, coughed and spat on the ground before him. He rubbed his temples. "Darned split- second migraine [1]!"

Gojyo' s jaw dropped as he looked at Homura. "You volunteered?! Don't drive me up the wall thinking what your motives are."

The fighting god crossed his arms. " News of this ridiculous charge reached me at Konran Tower. I've come here to prove that there is absolutely nothing going on between MY Son Goku and Tenpou Gensui! Bwahahahahahahaha!"

>WHAP! <

"Whaddya mean *MY* Son Goku!?" The monkey holding the nyoibou angrily asked.

"Ouch! Not fair! You hit me when I wasn't looking."

Gojyo jeered, "Wouldn't you know it? Bakasaru actually learned something from Sanzo- sama!"

>THWACK! <

"Obviously, you didn't."

"Why'd you have to whack me anyway?!"

As everyone argued, Shien whispered to Homura and Zenon, "They could be at this all day."

"We know." The two gods replied.

At the courthouse…

"You're Honor, I wish to prove that the relationship between my client and Son Goku is purely on a brotherly basis!"

A group of women court observers sighed and fainted at the sound of the fighting god's deep and sexy voice. Sparks flew from Gojyo' s eyes.

"So he's got a huge flaming sword, shackles and a bedroom voice. Big kinky deal!"

"Don't forget, he's also a lawyer now." Sanzo pointed out.

"Why'd he have to be Hakkai' s lawyer anyway? He gives me the creeps!" Goku complained.

The judge asked Homura, "Have you any evidence to prove your claims? Pictures, letters, perhaps?"

"Better than that! We put it all in this thing we call a PowerPoint!" Homura motioned to Shien who whisked out laptop. Zenon placed the LCD projector on the table.

The presentation flashed on a blank wall, bringing forth ooohs and aahs and wows.

"First Slide… Hakkai Teaching Goku How To Read."

True enough, it was a picture of Hakkai and Goku spending an afternoon in a library. Goku was sitting, holding a book, while Hakkai is leaning beside him. Both of them were wearing angelic and innocent smiles.

Everyone in the court went, "Aaaawwww! Isn't that sweet?"

"Eeeeeeh!"

Sanzo and Gojyo turned to the monkey who just screamed like a girl. A vein twitched at the fair- haired monk's temple when he saw Homura sitting on Goku' s lap.

"Why can't we be like that, Son Goku? Don't you want me to teach you things? Hmm?"

"Get off me, you creep!" Goku could only struggle as everyone watched in horror at the sight of Homura rubbing his cheek against Goku' s.

"Save me Sanzo! I'm getting fighting god cooties!" Gojyo mockingly shrieked as he wrapped his arms around Sanzo.

>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!& lt;>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<

>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!& lt;>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<

>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!& lt;>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<>THWACK!<

Three pairs of eyes looked at the paper fan with pained looks.

Homura has recovered a little. "Second Slide… Hakkai Still Teaching Goku How To Read."

Everyone in the court blinked. Where are Hakkai and Goku in the picture? And what's a pile of distressingly familiar- looking clothes doing on the table, next to a closed book that Goku was reading in the previous picture?

Homura' s jaw dropped. He took out his flaming sword and threatened to slice Hakkai' s monocle in two.

"Where did you take Son Goku? What did you to do him? Answer me!!!"

>WHAP! <

"I'm right here, baka kami! Leave Hakkai alone!" Goku snarled at the fighting god, as sparks shot from a lump on Homura' s head.

Hakkai smiled. "I'm afraid that's not possible, Goku. He's my attorney."

"Oh, okay. If you say so." Goku slinked back to his seat. Shien and Zenon tried unsuccessfully to shrink down in their seats.

"Your Honor, the prosecution wishes to have that particular picture enlarged." The other lawyer piped up.

"Request granted. Will the defense please have that picture enlarged?"

"Uhm, okay. But I don't know where you guys are getting at!" Zenon replied.

With a few clicks of the mouse (thanks to some borrowed CSI™ technology), Shien enlarged the picture.

Everyone gasped. In the picture, the book's title read… Kama Sutra.

"Are you sure it's not 'Genjo Sanzo' s EVIL Sutra'?" Shien attempted to make everyone breathe again.

"If the title was indeed 'Genjo Sanzo' s EVIL Sutra', then they would have burned the publishing house long ago!" Zenon covered his face.

Gojyo nudged and winked at Goku. "Hey! Can you lend me your borrower's card?"

We didn't get to finish the book, and it's Hakkai' s card, not mine!" Goku' s cheeks reddened furiously.

>THWACK!< >THWACK!<

"Urusai!! Shineee!"

"Sssshhh!" Everyone admonished Sanzo.

"Wha? How dare you all…!" But an embarrassed monkey and kappa pulled Sanzo down to his seat.

"How do you explain this, Homura Taishi?" The judge turned to the attorney of a blushing defendant.

"Er, my inquisitive little Goku was curious about the book and he found the pictures to be confusing, so Tenpou... I mean Cho Hakkai had to explain it to him more plainly?"

Gojyo smacked Goku at the shoulder. " Bakasaru! I knew your dense monkey brain would get Hakkai into trouble! Couldn't you have just read it all by yourself?"

"Hey! There were a lot of things I don't get in that book. How about you?! Maybe you don't know how to read yourself!"

"Why you, BAKASARU!"

"ERO KAPPA!"

>THWACK! < >THWACK! < >THWACK! < >THWACK! < >THWACK! < >THWACK! < >THWACK! <

"I said keep your miserable jaws from flapping if you don't want me to feed your repulsive youkai hide to ravenous youkai sharks!"

The judge squirmed in his robes. "Maybe a fine isn't such a good idea?"

"Oh, I know! I know!" Homura bounced in his seat, one hand raised like a schoolgirl with the answers.

"Er, yes, Homura Taishi?" The judge pointed at him.

"Perhaps Goku mistook the pictures in the book for kung- fu techniques? Didn't the moves have names that sound like 'Slithering Burning Cobra' or 'Thunderous Churning of Cuds' or something like that?"

Everyone stared at Homura.

"Nice try!" Sanzo snorted.

The judge shook his head. " Where do these people come from?"

Everyone threatened to dehydrate as more giant sweat drops appeared on their heads.

"Do you have anything else, Homura?" the judge asked him.

"We have a video…" Homura replied, rather unsurely.

"What's the matter?" Zenon whispered.

"We haven't seen all of it, remember? Only five minutes of the entire thing."

"Oh, right. I don't think now's the time to review it."

Homura gingerly flipped through a CD carrier. He found what he was looking for and loaded it on the laptop. A couple of clicks and the video flashed on the blank wall.

It seemed like a harmless clip of Hakkai and Goku eating ice cream at a deserted park. Ten minutes passed with nothing but polite conversation, although it was all on the subject of food and questions about trees and grass and other mundane stuff. Nothing on birds and bees though. Hakkai had bought two gallons of ice cream and three boxes of cones. From the looks of it, they planned to stay in the park for a while. A pretty little butterfly flitted in front of Goku, who got excited and started bouncing on his seat. Naturally, he spilled some of his ice cream.

{{Goku: Ne, Hakkai, I've got ice cream on my pants!}}

{{Hakkai: Don't worry, let me clean it up for you. (kneels in front of Goku)}}

Shien asked, rather alarmed," What is he doing?!"

"Looks like the ice cream spilled through the pants and on his skin too. Maybe he helped Goku slip out of his trousers so he can wipe the stuff from his thighs and wash the pants as well." Homura replied without taking his eyes off the video. The blushing fighting god wiped his nose with his billowing cape.

"In the park?! With his tongue?!"

"Okay! That's all we need to see! Hakkai and Goku spending BROTHERLY quality time in the park!" Homura tapped a button in the keyboard. But the video continued playing and it elicited gasps from the people, not to mention numerous nosebleeds as well.

"It won't stop! And now I have to scour these bloodstains on my keyboard with borax." Shien joined Homura as they frantically punched the buttons.

>BANG! < >BANG! <

"Thanks a lot!" The defense attorneys sighed next to a busted LCD projector and a ruined laptop that was still smoldering and shooting sparks.

"Don't mention it." Sanzo blew the smoke from his revolver.

The judge patted his nose with a hanky and rolled his eyes." Anything else?" He asked while secretly hoping otherwise.

Homura pondered for a moment. " We could try and prove that Goku isn't a minor anymore."

" Yeah! But a MAJOR pain-in-the-butt! Heehee!" Gojyo snickered.

Goku looked at Gojyo and then hollered from his seat, "Was it PAINFUL for you Hakkai? I didn't mean to~"

>THWACK! < >THWACK! <

Gojyo and Goku looked up at the paper fan with hurt eyes. Sanzo snarled," Don't even ask why."

Hakkai blushed rather violently.

A puppy dog- eyed Homura sprouted up next to Goku. "How come you'd ask Hakkai if it was painful for him? How about me? Won't you ask if it was painful for me as well?"

"Goku! You heartless monkey!" Gojyo heckled.

"I- I don't know what he's talking about! Dream on, baka kami!!!" Goku struck Homura with his nyoibou, but the fighting god countered it with his sword.

"Feisty, eh? Are you also like this with Tenpou Gensui and Konzen Douji?"

>THWACK! <

Homura rubbed a lump feeding on Miracle Grow. Sanzo glared and pointed at the judge and the other attorneys who blinked to infinity. The fighting god muttered curses and took his seat at the defense panel.

"How will you support your claim that Son Goku is no longer a minor?" The judge continued, trying hard to put some semblance of sanity into the proceedings.

Zenon raised a hand. " We could skin him alive and count the rings!"

>YANK! <

"Baka! Son Goku is a youkai, not a tree!" Homura hissed at Zenon.

"Wrong! Son Goku is a Bakasaru!" Gojyo couldn't resist from yelling.

In the blink of an eye, Homura has his sword trained on Gojyo. "One more disparaging remark against Goku and I will have your ~"

>THWACK! <

Sanzo screamed, "Get back down there and do some lawyer- ing and stop harassing the bakasaru and the ero kappa!"

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Konzen?"

Sanzo raised his paper fan. Homura flinched and obediently tiptoed back to his seat.

"Your Honor, the prosecution has anticipated the defense's plan to claim that Son Goku is of legal age. Before the trial started, we had the witness in question undergo a series of tests to determine his mental capacity."

"Aren't you going to object or something?" Shien asked Homura.

"Frankly, I'm running out of ideas. I wasn't a lawyer yesterday, you know."

The prosecutor handed out some documents to the judge and to the defense panel and continued with his presentation.

"The test consisted of several simple questions, with the answers to be interpreted by our resident psychologist."

"They don't have a single lawyer in this town apart from the prosecutor, but they have a resident psychologist?" Sanzo raised his eyebrow.

Homura skimmed over his copy of the questionnaire. "How many legs does a cat have? What color is the sky? What kind of questions are THESE?"

"Kindly look at the next page to view Son Goku' s answers."

Homura turned to the answer sheets and his eyes, and the yin-yang shoulder patches on his cloak nearly popped out.

"Pork bun… pork bun… pork bun… pork bun… He answered PORK BUN in all of the questions!"

"Ain't that cute? He even drew a pork bun in some of them." Zenon observed.

Sanzo and Gojyo stole a murderous look at Goku, as if to say "Traitor!"

"I can't help it! I haven't had dinner and breakfast yet!"

>THWACK! <

"Bakasaru! You could be a thousand years old and still be an idiot! "

Hakkai smiled and thought, "That's my Goku all right."

"And how does our resident psychologist interpret Son Goku' s answers?"

A bespectacled lady in a white suit and a stern expression on her face replied," I have gone over the results, Your Honor. Based on Abraham Maslow' s Chart, there are several levels of human needs. Obviously, the boy is incapable of going beyond the lowest level of need or his physiological desires in order to properly participate in an uncomplicated mental exercise. A person of legal age or even a pre-pubescent child would have been able to score perfectly with such simple queries. You don't a need a degree in psychology to realize that!"

Gojyo scratched his head. "Is it just me, or is that psycho lady sitting in the jury's box?"

The psychologist/ juror went on," I pronounce that Son Goku is not only a minor, but also a mentally incapacitated person! What kind of a MONSTER is this Cho Hakkai that he would abuse such a brainless, obtuse, dim-witted monkey- like child?!

"Not another word, Shrink! Or I shrivel your head like a California raisin! Prepare to die a thousand and one deaths!" An infuriated fighting god launched into the air and headed straight for the woman who screeched and cowered behind her chair.

"Homura!" Goku moved like a blur and managed to block the flaming sword.

"Let me be, Son Goku! This worthless scum masquerading as a doctor dared to pass judgment on you! Why won't you let me use my powers to finish her off?!"

"Because… I'm gonna use MY powers and kick her butt for calling Hakkai a monster!"

Goku took off his limiter and transformed into the dreaded Seiten Taisei. The psychologist fainted from shock. Goku leaped, claws poised to make mincemeat out of the hapless jurors.

Shien' s whips darted and entangled themselves with Goku' s limbs. Zenon fired at the ground near the Seiten Taisei's feet in an effort to contain him.

"Genjo Sanzo! Hurry! You know both of us can't hold him off much longer without his limiter!" Zenon warned.

Sanzo approached a struggling Goku and was about to put his hand upon the youkai' s forehead when he was knocked back by a powerful swipe of Goku' s fist. The blond priest crashes against the wall and coughs up blood, muttering curses under his breath. His ribs hurt to a great extent, and he felt unable to stand up.

"Yes! Yes! Unleash your fury, your rage! Show us your powers Seiten Taisei Son Goku!" Homura laughed like a maniac.

" Not again!" Gojyo groaned, " Hakkai, we've got to do something! That nutty fighting god isn't helping at all!" Gojyo pointed at Homura who was throwing confetti and dancing to the beat of "When The Seiten' s Go Marching In".

"Looks like it's up to me. But we can't just attack him. He'll defeat us easily like last time." Hakkai replied.

"I'm not talking about kicking the bakasaru' s butt! I meant you should try and calm him. Give him your pork bun or something!"

"G-give him my *pork bun*? Not in front of all these people!"

Gojyo' s eyes widened with puzzlement and exasperation. From the table, he grabbed a pork bun (which mysteriously appears for convenience' s sake) and shoved it into Hakkai' s hand.

"This pork bun!"

"Oh! This pork bun! Sorry!" Hakkai sheepishly smiled. Shien and Zenon looked at each other.

Hakkai, pork bun in one hand, drew near unto Goku who continued to thrash about with the entangled sutra. To everyone's surprise, Hakkai kneeled in front of him.

"Why is this scene SO familiar?" Zenon wondered aloud.

Shien reminded him. "Concentrate on reigning him in!"

Hakkai handed out the pork bun. "Goku, I know you can hear me. This cannot end in violence. Please let me help you return to your old self." He inched the pork bun nearer to Goku and carried on with the pleading.

Sanzo groaned," Great! Trust Hakkai to bitch anyone to death!"

"Watch your language, bouzou. Kids could be reading this."

"Ch!"

For some reason unknown to both man and youkai that only the gods could discern, Son Goku ceased to struggle and stared at the supplicant before him. He appeared to be sniffing in the air, then he looked at the pork bun in Hakkai' s hand.

Gojyo snickered at Homura, "So much for 'your fury and your rage' crap."

At the exact moment Goku swiped the pork bun, Hakkai grabbed the limiter that was conveniently lying in front of them, and put it back on Goku' s forehead. The transformation was immediately reversed and Goku collapsed into Hakkai' s arm.

"Looks like Hakkai replaced you as the Official Seiten Taisei Bait and Tamer." Gojyo chuckled at Sanzo.

"Next time, it'll be your turn."

"Whaddya mean my turn?!"

Goku opened his golden eyes and blinked at the kind face that beamed over him. Tears began to well up and flow down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Hakkai."

"It's alright. I know you did it for me." He lovingly stroked Goku' s hair and wiped the tears away.

"Please! Don't go sap factory on us now!" Gojyo raised his hands.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" Sanzo moaned.

Homura looked at the monk and half- youkai," What pathetic attempts to hide your jealousies!" He grabbed Hakkai by his shoulders and flung him away from Goku.

"Don't deny that you became Seiten Taisei just because you wanted to help me with this case. I appreciate it so much!" He hugged Goku tightly.

"Get you hands off of me!" Goku digged his foot in Homura' s face.

"Mmmf! I'll take that as a 'Your Welcome'."

Hakkai smiled and rubbed his neck. He turned to Gojyo and mouthed, "Everything will be fine."

Gojyo exclaimed, "What does he mean everything will be fine? He's being defended by a freaky fighting god who's obsessed with a bakasaru who'd go postal when you least expect it! At least our Sanzo is predictable… always going bonkers!"

>THWACK! <

"Bet you didn't see that coming!" Goku taunted.

>THWACK! <

"That I saw coming a mile away." Gojyo snickered as Goku rubbed a lump on his head.

Although shaken over what had just happened, the judge managed to collect himself and continue with the proceedings.

"If the prosecution and the defense have nothing else to present to the court, then I will ask the jury to deliberate and come up with a decision as soon as possible."

"Your Honor, the jury's kinda' not into it." A court guard tells the judge.

"How can that be?!"

All eyes turned to the jury's box. The psychologist/ juror is already babbling like a traumatized maniac, while the others have either fainted from shock or have fled for their lives.

"If that's the case, then I will make the decision myself. Until then, the court shall be in recess." The judge pounded his gavel and began reviewing the documents on his table.

"Recess? Does it mean we can eat?" Goku tugged at Gojyo' s vest.

"Bakasaru! Is food all you can think about?" Gojyo hissed.

"Ne, Hakkai, let's go someplace where you can feed me!" Goku wrapped his arms around Hakkai.

"Goku…", Hakkai tried to speak as the color rose to his cheeks.

Homura was glowering with apparent envy while Gojyo was covering his eyes with his hand.

"But I'm hungry, Hakkai! Feed me like you always do when Sanzo won't do it for me!"

>THWACK! <

"Weren't you listening to the proceedings the whole time?!" Sanzo was closer to exasperation than annoyance.

"That hurts! How many times did you hit me with the paper fan already?" Goku whined.

"A lot less than I normally do!" Sanzo replied.

Gojyo turned to the defense team," What were those pictures doing in your exhibit anyway? Didn't you guys check them?"

Homura gritted his teeth. " We only had less than TEN MINUTES to put the whole thing together!"

"And besides, those pictures and video clips came from Homura' s private archives! What did you expect?" Zenon grunted.

And so they returned to their seats and waited for the decision, a painful exercise at that.

Gojyo looked around. "Good! No sign of torches and pitchforks…yet!"

Stop fidgeting in your seat!" Sanzo hissed. He would've smacked Goku, but he thought better than to waste his energy. It was awfully hot and stuffy in the cramped courthouse.

"I can't help it! I'm worried about Hakkai and I'm hungry!"

"Ch!" Sanzo leaned in his seat and shoved an elbow at Gojyo' s ribs.

"Don't bring your lecherous conduct in here!"

"Ouch! But one of the remaining women jurors looks gorgeous! Don't you think a couple of winks and flying kisses from me will be of some use?"

"You're not helping Hakkai. You'll probably send him to the gallows much sooner! And besides, that woman's the cleaning lady, not a juror. You must be that hungry!"

Gojyo stared at the woman's uniform, and having confirmed that he is indeed hungry, slouched in his seat. Lousy day this is turning out to be! And that humongous No Smoking sign plastered behind the judge isn't giving him any comfort either.

Everyone tensed as the judge returned to his high seat. He held out a paper and began to speak.

"Will the defendant and his attorneys please stand up?"

"We may be adversaries, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'm grateful for your help." Hakkai told Homura with a smile.

"Ask him to put that in writing… just in case." Shien murmured.

The judge coughed and read from his document. "Cho Hakkai, on the charges of corruption of a minor, this court finds you…"

Everyone held his breath.

"Guilty!"

The court was in such uproar; the judge didn't bother to read the rest of the sentence and fled back to his office. Sanzo sprang from his seat, but Gojyo and Goku restrained him with difficulty. Just as well, for he didn't know whom to strangle first.

Homura whipped out his flaming sword and began slashing at the tables and benches as he screamed, "I can't believe they thought there's something going on between Tenpou Gensui and my Son Goku!"

"Perhaps, now's not the time to show Genjo Sanzo our bill?" Shien asked.

Zenon suggested, "Maybe you should send our bill to the prosecutor instead!"

Hakkai beamed a smile despite the unfavorable decision. "It's okay, something good will come out of this. I know you guys did your best."

Sanzo fired a shot in the air, causing a shower of plaster and wood from the ceiling. Everyone panicked and stampeded out of the courthouse. Within seconds, only the ikkou and the defense team remained.

Hakkai sighed, "Homura, Shien, Zenon, please accompany me to the judge's office. I wish to hear what the entire sentence would be."

"We're going with you! We'll reason with that phony judge, and if we can't, then we'll kick him around town, wigs and robes and all!" Gojyo exclaimed.

"Yeah! We can't let them get away with this!" Goku was on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry, but this is something we must do on our own. Please wait outside, okay?" Hakkai knew it would be hard for all of them, especially on Goku and Gojyo. He heaved a sigh and looked at the blonde priest.

"Sanzo?"

"Go ahead. We'll wait in the jeep."

About thirty minutes later, the rest of the ikkou stood outside and saw the defense team, Hakkai and two police officers emerge from the judge's office. They immediately rushed over to their friend and eagerly questioned him.

"So, did you convince that old fool of a judge that you're innocent?" Gojyo put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Hakkai shook his head but smiled. " No. But my lawyers managed to... er, persuade him to let us appeal the case."

"When will we know about the result of the appeal?" Sanzo asked, taking a cigarette out of its pack.

"Six months, at least."

"Six months?!"

"In the meantime, Hakkai will be detained in the court prison." Shien added.

"Please don't worry about me, I'll be fine. We'll see each other again. Sayonara for now." Hakkai smiled, caressed Goku' s auburn hair, and walked back towards the court prison with his armed escorts.

Zenon crossed his arms and sighed. "Looks like we're back to being enemies. The mission was a failure."

"I don't believe this! I refuse to concede!" Homura shook with outrage.

Goku demanded, fighting to keep his tears in. "But we can't wait six months!"

"For once you're right, Goku. We won't wait that long. We'll resume our journey to the west." Sanzo flicked his cigarette.

"How can you say that, Sanzo? Even if we can come back for Hakkai, we can't leave him here! Who'll do the things Hakkai does?!" Goku was becoming desperate.

Sanzo shot Gojyo a knowing look, and both of them trained their narrowed eyes on a certain fighting god.

"What?!"

In the blink of an eye, Sanzo and Gojyo grabbed Homura by the shoulders and began dragging him in earnest towards a portable lavatory outside the courthouse.

"Goku! Toss us that teal backpack from Hakuryuu!" Gojyo commanded.

Goku obeyed though puzzled over what is happening before him. Hakuryuu sensed what dreadfulness is to follow, and began to whimper uncontrollably.

"What do you think you're doing to me? Lay your hands off of me! Konzen Douji! Kenren Taisho!"

Despite Homura' s giving a frightful struggle, Sanzo and Gojyo hauled him until they reached the portable latrine. Sanzo opened the door, Gojyo tossed Homura inside, and both of them entered and shut the door behind them. The hut shook and bounced around mightily as Goku, Shien and Zenon scratched their heads.

"What are they doing to Homura?" Goku asked the other two.

The Zenon replied, "I don't know, but I ain't gonna stick around to find out!"

With that, Shien and Zenon disappeared in a blur as they whisked themselves away and back into the shadows from whence they came.

The door to the outhouse swung open. Sanzo and Gojyo stepped out. The redhead nearly collapsed from the exhausting struggle while Sanzo, with shaking hands, took out another cigarette. Goku ran towards them.

"Where are the others?" Sanzo inhaled deeply.

"They split the scene."

Gojyo coughed and hollered at the open door. "Oi, kami- sama! Come out where we can see the goods!"

"I'm not coming out!"

"Don't be a sissy! We haven't got all day!" Sanzo hissed.

"Like I said! I'm not going! I look ridiculous!"

Goku scratched his head. " What's going on here? What did you guys do to Homura?"

But before another molecule could stir in the ikkou, Goku suddenly found himself pinned to the ground in a position he knows too well.

He blinked once.

And he blinked again.

And then he blushed, as his eyes grew misty.

"H-Hakkai? You came back? For me? I didn't know your hair grew so fast!"

"Oh, Son Goku! You were worried over what these two brutes could have done to me! If it makes you happy, I'd willingly array myself in these revolting rags for all eternity!"

Goku rubbed his eyes and his golden pupils dilated with horror.

"Homura! Baka kami!"

The poor fighting god found himself sailing in the air before he crashed head first into the portable latrine. Goku' s nostrils were blazing with fire as he savagely turned to his remaining companions.

"How could you guys do this?! You're insulting Hakkai' s memory!"

Gojyo impatiently put a foot on Goku' s face, as the latter's hands clawed at the air and struggled to put the offending extremity away.

"Will you cut that 'desecrating Hakkai' s memory' crap? He's not dead yet!"

"Mmmmmf! But…!"

"Goku!"

He turned to the priest. "I can't believe you'd rather leave Hakkai behind than stay and here and help him!"

"You think this is easy for all of us? Knowing Hakkai well, he wouldn't want us to jeopardize our mission because of anything, not even for him." Sanzo coolly replied.

Goku refused to give up but this happened to be one of those times when one bravely recognizes defeat and must trust the wisdom of his comrades.

"But did he have to dress like Hakkai?!"

Gojyo retorted," Why not? The least he can do is be less of an eyesore for us!"

True enough; Homura is now sporting Hakkai' s clothes, down to the green headband, white sash and monocle.

"Can't I just skip the monocle? It's giving me a headache!" Homura complained.

Everyone screamed, "No!"

"All right! All right! No need to be touchy and all!"

"Maybe we should do something about his hair!" Gojyo grinned wickedly as he schemed.

Homura whipped out his flaming sword. "Do you realize how much hair "re- bonding" treatments cost? Touch one strand and I'll thread your nose hairs with my sword!"

Sanzo closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as he practiced a new mantra. "Six months, just six more months of this!" He turned to his companions.

"To the west!"

"Hai!"

Soon, everyone was settled in the jeep. Apparently, something wasn't quite right.

"Don't cram your skinny butt in here with us! You're supposed to sit in front and drive!" Gojyo yelled at the fighting god between him and Goku.

"Aw! Do I have to? Can't we just teleport and disappear in a blur or such?"

"No! Drive!" Sanzo growled.

Homura muttered more curses and settled into the driver's seat.

Gojyo gave him an icy look. "Don't tell us you don't know how to drive."

"Of course I know how! I'm not an idiot!" Homura sighed and rolled his pretty mismatched eyes up to heaven.

"Okay. Here goes!"

He worked around the gearshift, floored the gas pedal and ripped through the time and space continuum.

Did I just say time and space continuum?

Gojyo and Goku hugged each other tightly in immeasurable terror. Sanzo, in defiance of the laws of gravity and inertia, got up from his seat and clutched at the windshield as he sadistically whacked Homura with his paper fan.

"I said, take us to the west! Not to the afterlife!"

"Worry not, Konzen! We're still 0.00000099 mph short to reach the next world!"

"Kyuu!"

To Be Continued…

(^_^;) ( ?_? ) (O_o) (@_@) (>_<) (+_+) (X_x)

Nikoru Sanzo: From the mere mention of fanon Homura, we know this is going to be pretty bad.

Kaiten Kyoumon: But did you have to hurt poor Zenon?

Nikoru Sanzo: (waves an invisible Plot Device Fixer similar to an invisible screwdriver) I tried to be as gentle as I could. I had to use my Fanfic Author's Adam Smith- ian Invisible Hand to keep him from spilling the beans [1], you know?