In the earlier version of this horror of a fic, I overdid on the Self- Insertion (as can be deduced from ChaosD' s review). In the hopes of salvaging the plot (Plot? What plot? I pray, tell?), I thought I'd give this fic a major mangling and fix the grammatical errors that I could get my hands on. I hope it's a little less awful now.

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. The people in this fic who portrayed lawyers, judges, juries and courtroom observers are not really lawyers, judges, juries and courtroom observers.

Constitutional Disasters

By: Nikoru Sanzo

Chapter 2- Help Or Lack Thereof Arrives!

"C'mon, you party animal!"

If there could be such a place called paradise, then this must be it.

Gojyo couldn't believe his luck. He sat on a couch surrounded by, nay, fawned over by a bevy of scantly clad supermodel babes. Beer and cigarettes were aplenty while confetti and balloons rained from the ceiling. A troop of chorus girls danced on a stage not far from where they were reclining. Best of all, the rest of the ikkou were nowhere in sight. No Hakkai to preach his sermons on moderation, no bakasaru to crash in and shame him in front of the ladies, and no crabby party- pooper corrupt monk to drag him away to far west. Ah! This is the life!

One of the girls, a blonde babe in daring red silk lingerie moved closer and nudged him at the side.

"Get up." Her luscious lips seemed to be saying.

"No need to rush, sugar! The night is OURS!"

"I said… GET UP, BAKA ERO KAPPA!" Was it a man's deep voice?

And before he knew it, Gojyo was getting viciously whacked by a paper fan. The blonde babe has discarded her revealing outfit for a robe and a sutra.

Gojyo blinked through the stars. " Hey! Where's your red silk lingerie and thong?"

A vein twitched and fire blazed in the eyes. " What the hell?!"

>THWACK! (to the power of 8th)<

Couldn't he just say "ohayo" or something less hazardous?

Gojyo rubbed his sore noggin and wisely decided to keep his mouth shut. His eyes widened with shock at the sight of the sleeping figure beside him, arms wrapped around his waist and cheek nuzzled against his bare chest.

"Mmmmmmm… Thanks, Hakkai… pork bun you give me… so yummy!"

All hell broke loose, and so early in the morning.

Hakkai rubbed his sleepy eyes and wiped his monocle with his shirt. Apart from the jail cell where he was staying, the day was starting out just like any day would in their travels. He got up from his cot and walked over to the iron bars.

"Sorry, but you could have stayed in the hotel and come back for me later."

"Ch! I wouldn't have been able to sleep in that crappy place anyway!'

Hakkai smiled at the obvious concern in Sanzo' s remark.

Goku yawned," Ne, Hakkai, I'm hungry!"

>THWACK!<

"That hurts! But I am hungry! I didn't have dinner last night!"

"Bakasaru! What about the pork bun Hakkai gave you?" Gojyo teased.

"Pork bun? When? Where?" Goku flipped around the room in dizzying speed.

"In your dream! Hakkai gave you a pork bun in your dream! You were even babbling about it in your sleep!" Gojyo chortled.

"Oh! That pork bun!" Goku beamed.

>THWACK!<

"Wipe that stupid grin off your face!" Sanzo vowed, if it weren't for the iron bars, he'd give Hakkai a clouting on the head as well. There's something about that impish smile and blushing cheeks that don't go well with that monocle of his.

Gojyo looked up to Sanzo as he felt in his pockets for a cigarette. " Why'd you wake us early, bouzou?"

"Hakkai goes to trial today. Frankly, I'm not sure how we'll deal with it." Sanzo leaned against the wall and lighted his first cancer stick of the day.

"Can't you defend him? You're a Sanzo and all, doesn't that carry any weight around here?" Gojyo asked.

"No. I may be perfect, but I'm not a lawyer."

A fuming Gojyo stomped over to Sanzo. "Whaddya mean by that?! You're saying we'll let them take Hakkai away?!"

"There's not much we can do here."

Frustrated, Gojyo punched the wall. Hakkai sat dejectedly on his cot. Goku clenched his fist and fought to keep his tears from streaming down his cheeks. If only he had hushed his loud voice that day like what Hakkai told him. Sanzo flicked his cigarette and watched the ash fall to the floor.

But before this fic could evolve into a melodrama with Jim Chappell's "Gone" playing in the background, the door swung open.

Blinding light burst through from the door and they shielded their eyes for a moment. As the light faded away, a disappointed groan escaped from Sanzo' s lips.

"Not you again! I hope you brought cyanide for me this time!"

Kanzeon Bosatsu giggled wickedly and unnerved those who lived without the benefits of callousness. "Even better, my dear sweet Konzen."

"If this Konzen- guy is dear and sweet, then I can see why Sanzo hates it when these weird kami call him that." Gojyo nudged Goku with an elbow, the latter snickering in agreement.

"Konzen, Konzen. I've come to help you with your amusing little predicament."

"What do you want with us? Can't you see I'm already up to my ears with idiots and troublesome naggers?"

Hakkai placed a hand on his breast. "Sanzo, I do believe you've hurt my feelings. And she just wants to help, you know?"

"Shut up! I'm probably saving you from a fate worse than death by refusing her!" The priest glared at the prisoner.

Kanzeon Bosatsu waved a hand as if to dismiss his valid suspicions. "Is that how you repay my kindness?"

"What the hell do you mean by that? The last time you gave me something, " Sanzo growled as he pointed at his three companions, "I tried to dispose of them and-"

"And?" The Goddess of Mercy eyed him naughtily.

Sanzo felt like shrinking. "Something jammed in my revolver and I was haunted by nightmares of monstrous placards that read NO RETURN, NO EXCHANGE!"

"You had nightmares about placards?" Gojyo asked incredulously then turned to Goku and whispered, "Man! I had no idea he was that far gone."

Sanzo crossed his arms and justified himself. "The placards had eighteen- inch fangs and some of them had faces of rabid, lecherous fan-girls painted on them!" All four bishies shivered at the thought.

Kanzeon Bosatsu giggled. "My, my, who could've sent those awful, awful dreams?"

"All right! Just stop it! Stop it!" Goku was becoming mighty impatient. "I want to know how you're gonna help Hakkai get out of this mess."

"The trial starts at about noon. Turn your eyes upon the north and from thence, help will come to thee." And with that, Kanzeon Bosatsu disappeared in a delirium- inducing perfume cloud.

"Help will come from the north? Hmmm." Sanzo pondered as he brought a cigarette to his lips.

Hakkai sighed. "Perhaps, a dazzling vision of mystical proportions will blaze forth across the northern sky to inform the townsfolk of our divine quest. Of course, it wouldn't help if the revelation itself vindicates me in some way."

"Or a legion of scantily- clad babes will stampede from the north and surround us while chanting their devotion to me. Then I'll order them to storm through this place and demand Hakkai' s release with their sugary high- pitched voices. Ah! Who could ever resist such lovely creatures? And then I'll be King! Bwahahahahahahaha!" Gojyo struck a pose as he envisioned the whole thing.

"Or a herd of mutant youkai cows with lots of tentacles growing out of their ears, on which sit huge eyeballs that zap laser beams, will fly in from the north and burn half of the town and send all these people screaming 'Wheeeeeee!' before they all crawl back to us and beg us to kick their bovine asses!"

Sanzo walloped Goku with his paper fan. "People terrorized by flying mutant youkai cows don't go 'Wheeeeeee!', you idiot!"

"I didn't know you have the brain capacity to use the word 'bovine'!" Gojyo heckled.

Goku retorted, "Well, I didn't think you'd actually know what 'bovine' means, what with your head full of hentai!"

Before Gojyo could sting back, Hakkai told him. "Now, now, Gojyo. I've been teaching Goku a lot of things lately."

Alas! Nobody else noticed the slight twitching of Sanzo' s eyebrows.

"Whatever! By the way, how do you propose that we kick the beefy butts of these monsters of yours?" Gojyo asked.

Goku paused for a moment before giving an excited reply. "I know! We'll fight with the youkai mutant cows but we won't be able to win 'coz they've got this force field, see? And just when we're getting licked and all, Hakkai talks to the mutant youkai cows and asks them to leave quietly. And then they'll listen to him and leave us alone!"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "I suppose this will culminate into a grand celebration where the townsfolk, led by the fool of a commissioner will apologize to Hakkai and set him free?"

Goku nodded vigorously while Hakkai laughed.

"Yeah! And then we'll all have a party and I can have a great time with the pretty girls in this town!" Gojyo clapped his hands. It was hard to discern whether he was just humoring Goku or giving into the idea.

>THWACK! < >THWACK! <

"Your stupidity never ceases to astound me!" Sanzo exclaimed as Goku and Gojyo rubbed the lumps on their heads.

"An army of supermodels and flying mutant youkai cows? It could be worse." Hakkai pondered.

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Nikoru Sanzo: I almost typed in 'plot device' instead of 'flying mutant youkai cows'. [coughs] Kill me.

Kaiten Kyoumon: If I won't, Indolence will.