Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Serial: Beautifully Broken Evolution ❯ 17 Rules Of Engagement ( Chapter 17 )

Author's Notes: I don't own a damn thing here except the smutty idea. Rights to the characters, as always, remains with their creator.

 

Self beta. All screw ups are mine alone. Thanks to the kind people who helped when asked. You know who you are.

 

17Rules of Engagement

 

~Sanzo~

 

I'd managed to avoid being alone with Gojyo for the rest of the day after that kinky three-way with him and Hakkai. Never in all my life was I so grateful for the constant presence of Goku and his thousand and one questions. I even controlled my need to go to Gojyo's room that night. I wanted too but I figured he'd want to talk about… things I really wasn't ready too just yet. Gojyo was puzzled by my sudden desire to hear about the best meat buns Goku'd ever eaten but I let him catch me looking at him a few times during the day and he seemed to relax fractionally. I think he caught on to the idea that I wasn't turning away from him. I just needed a little time to get over the way that whole experience made me feel.

 

Emotionally raw was the best way for me to describe it. I'd been surprised by the kinky part of my soul that liked seeing Gojyo suck Hakkai off as I'd had his ass. It wouldn't happen again but it'd been damn erotic. I'd also felt… smug in that I'd ultimately been the one who'd won the little contest between me and Hakkai for Gojyo. I'd never felt that way before about my role in any sexual experience.

 

Figures that I would with that damned pervy kappa.

 

I wasn't sure that Gojyo got what the butterfly meant but he seemed to be taking it in stride. He didn't say shit about it and for that, I was grateful. I don't know what I would've said if he'd mentioned it. It'd been pure impulse that made me leave that for him instead of a note. I was surprised I even remembered how to make the damn thing.

 

I sat under a tree in a meadow of wildflowers and waited for Hakkai's call of supper as I smoked. Hakkai had been acting a little strange the last two days and I didn't think it had anything to do with what happened between the three of us. He'd get the oddest look on his face and blush bright red when driving every time he shifted gears. He got even weirder when Hakuryuu changed back into a dragon and settled on his shoulder like he usually did. The little dragon had chirped and nuzzled against Hakkai's face. Hakkai blushed bright red and carefully placed Hakuryuu on a stump as he went about preparing the evening meal. The dragon tracked his movements and hissed when Gojyo or Goku got close to Hakkai. Hakkai shot quelling looks at the little dragon and coloured again when Hakuryuu chirped at him and shook his wings. Something was going on there but for the life of me, I had no idea what it could be.

 

Not like I cared or that it was any of my fucking business anyway.

 

Goku was back to his normal, cheerful self. I had to wonder what he'd been about to say that morning at the inn before Gojyo dragged him out the door. That whole incident was fucking suspicious but since Goku didn't bring it up again, I let it drop. It likely wasn't important anyway. I knew he didn't like secrets being kept from him but I really didn't think he'd understand my being with Gojyo. Hell, most of the time I didn't understand my being with Gojyo. The sex was a very good reason but that wasn't all there was to it. There was more than that going on that made me want to be with Gojyo.

 

I just wasn't sure exactly what that something was.

 

I sighed as I finished the smoke and crushed out the butt in the dirt. The journey we were on was hard enough as it was. I really didn't need all this emotional crap on top of everything else too. But I didn't want to give up what I felt when Gojyo would just hold me against his chest and stroke my skin after sex. He made me feel good. I didn't want to lose the pleasure and… comfort of having him curled around me as I slept. I'd noticed that I slept better when I had Gojyo's arms around me. Not that I'd ever say that to him.

 

Damn it!

 

Things weren't supposed to get complicated like this. It was supposed to be just sex. No feelings, no emotions, just sex. When the hell did emotions get involved and how the fuck did he manage to slip past my guard so completely? Nothing good came of my getting attached to someone. It always ended badly. Always.

 

I was so lost in thought that I nearly jumped out of my skin when Gojyo dropped down to sit beside me. He didn't say anything, just leaned his back against the tree next to me, his shoulder touching mine. I started to relax fractionally. Maybe he'd forgotten about saying we needed to talk. Maybe he'd decided to just let things happen between us. I could handle that. I'd prefer that actually.

 

“Hakkai said supper will be ready in about forty-five minutes. I figure that's enough time to set a few things straight,” Gojyo said as he lit a smoke.

 

I started to push myself up. Fuck, he wanted to talk. I wasn't ready to do this. We didn't need to talk about anything. We were fine as we were. The funny feeling in my guts was just annoyance, not nerves.

 

“Sit, Sanzo. We need to talk. I'll either talk to you here privately or I'll do it over some of that lovely stew we're having for supper in front of Hakkai and Goku. Your choice, Sanzo. Either way is fine by me but I figured you wouldn't want a curious monkey or a concerned friend for an audience. Hakkai'll keep Goku busy while we talk here.”

 

I scowled at Gojyo. I really hated when people pulled crap like this on me. I wanted to whip out my gun and press it to his chest to make him shut his trap and give up on this whole talk thing. But once I thought about doing that, I thought about what happened almost every time I pulled my gun on Gojyo since we started sleeping together. My cock twitched to life, traitor that it was. I slumped back down and glared at Gojyo. He seemed completely unfazed by the look. I snatched the smoke from his fingers, surprised when he didn't even protest that. That small gesture of allowing me to steal his smoke let me know just how serious he was about having this conversation with me.

 

“Fine. Talk,” I sulked as I dragged on his smoke and avoided his eyes.

 

“I want to know why you did what you did before. Did I do something to make you treat me like a piece of meat?” Gojyo asked as he stared straight ahead. Anger and hurt were in his voice as well as confusion.

 

Shit. I wasn't expecting that question.

 

I've never explained my actions to anyone. I've never felt the need too. I hadn't meant to make Gojyo feel like a piece of meat. I just thought… I was only trying to…. My throat tightened at the very idea of putting to words why I'd behaved as I did. Not that I was really sure anymore why I'd done what I did. It simply seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

“When I'm with someone for more than just a casual roll in the hay, I'm only with that person. I may cheat at cards and sometimes Mah Jong but I never cheat on the important things in life. I think you know I never cheated on you and since that's the only reason I can think of to act that way… just… why, Sanzo?”

 

I sucked hard on the smoke. My stomach was tensing up and I didn't like this feeling I was getting. This was why I never got involved with people.

 

“That hurt, Sanzo,” Gojyo said softly.

 

The smoke was leaving a bad taste in my mouth. At least, that's what I was telling myself. I crushed it out and willed Hakkai to call out that supper was ready. Not that I thought I'd be able to eat with the way my guts were feeling. God damn Gojyo for doing this to me. Couldn't he just take the meaning of the butterfly I'd left for him to heart and leave this other shit alone? Did he have any idea how hard it had been for me to leave him that message?

 

“Talk to me, Sanzo. Just tell me why you did it and I swear, I'll never bring it up again.”

 

How was I supposed to answer that when I wasn't sure how to explain it? Gojyo waited silently for me to answer. He plucked at the grass beside him but never looked at me. I'd had no idea he could be so patient but after nearly ten minutes of tense silence, I opened my mouth and said the first thing that came to mind.

 

“You made me need you,” I finally answered with accusation in my voice.

 

“I what?” Gojyo asked as he turned to face me.

 

“You. Me. This thing between us. You made me need it. I can want things but I can't need things,” I tried to explain and failed. It sounded even stupider than I thought it would when I said it out loud. Gods but I sucked at this personal relationship thing.

 

“I think you need a hell of a lot of things, Sanzo, but I don't see how that led to you treating me like a worthless whore,” Gojyo said with heat in his voice.

 

That made me whip my head around to stare at him. I never meant for him to feel like that. Gojyo had a lot of faults but he wasn't worthless and he certainly wasn't a whore. He gave more of himself to me than any one person ever had and never asked for anything in return except the dubious pleasure of my company. I still didn't know why he even wanted that. I thought hard about that night and how it might have appeared to Gojyo.

 

I'd taken him with as little contact as possible. I'd used him to satisfy my desire not once but twice. I hadn't been concerned with his pleasure that night when he'd always made sure that no matter what we did, that I found pleasure too. I remembered thinking that it wasn't about what Gojyo wanted but about satisfying my needs. That he'd also found release hadn't even been an after thought for me. A felt shame and disgust as I realized the only thing I'd neglected to do that night was leave money on the night stand. No wonder Gojyo felt I'd treated him like a worthless whore.

 

I had.

 

“I'm sorry,” I said in a low voice, the words sticking in my throat as I realized how shitty I was at this relationship thing. I didn't know how to do this and I hated being uncertain.

 

I saw Gojyo's shocked expression that I'd apologised before he masked it and I felt even worse. He hadn't expected me to apologise to him. My stomach turned over with the idea that I might not have been the first person to treat him like that. That maybe he'd been waiting for that to happen. I closed my eyes as I remembered him calling himself a `dirty half-breed'. I'd fucked up bigger than I realized.

 

I wanted to shoot something. Preferably something that would scream and bleed a lot.

 

“I didn't mean… I was trying… look, I realize what I did was wrong…” I said in a frustrated tone as I looked down and rubbed the edge of the sutra nervously between my fingers. This was going as bad as I knew it would.

 

“Okay. Apology accepted,” Gojyo said quietly as he turned back to stare at the meadow in front of us.

 

I snapped my head up. That was it? Just… okay? I wanted to question why but I was too chicken shit to actually ask. Part of me really wanted to know how Gojyo could accept my apology so easily while a louder part of me said to just shut the fuck up and not ask about things I wasn't ready to hear. I wondered if that was the end of the talk that I'd been dreading for the better part of two days. It seemed anti-climatic.

 

“So where do we go from here, Sanzo? Was that night during the rain a final kinda thing or do you want to keep going down that road with me?”

 

I blew out my breath softly in annoyance and wondered why he was making me say it. Didn't he get the butterfly reference? I knew he wasn't stupid. A butterfly was a symbol of fragile beginnings and change. Even Gojyo should know that. Was he trying to make me say it out of some twisted kind of payback for how I treated him? I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was tense even though he was trying to look like he wasn't. The thought that my answer was that important to him, surprised me. Nobody had ever put that much significance on me personally before.

 

“What happened that night will never happen again,” I said in a firm voice. Gojyo needed to know that Hakkai, or anybody else for that matter, wouldn't be welcome in a bed he shared with me.

 

Gojyo flinched as if I'd slapped him.

 

“I see,” he said in a low voice. He looked down and his hair slid forward to hide his face in a practiced gesture.

 

Although he didn't physically move, I felt as if he was distancing himself from me. I could almost feel misery leaking off him. I was screwing things up again. Damn it all to hell but I didn't know how to do this. Why was I even trying? Why was he asking this of me? I'd never had a normal relationship in my entire life and certainly never a… whatever kind of thing I had with Gojyo. I had no idea what was expected of me or what I was supposed to do. I swallowed hard and reached out hesitantly to lay my hand on Gojyo's arm. Gods but I hoped this was the right thing to do.

 

“I don't know why I let Hakkai…. I don't share, Gojyo. That won't happen again. If that's what you want…. I don't share.”

 

“I know you don't, Sanzo. That's not what I was asking,” Gojyo said with a soft sigh. “I don't want to pressure you but I need to know if you want to continue with what we have. I'm not going to force my affections on somebody who doesn't want them. I've tried that once before and I swore I'd never do it again,” Gojyo said as he looked at me with a wary expression as if he expected me to tell him to fuck off.

 

I held his gaze for a few seconds before I looked away. When I'd kissed him that night, I'd stared into his eyes. Complex things moved through him as we'd kissed. He'd been relieved that I'd come to his room that night. He wanted me next to him and I somehow knew with rock solid certainty that if I demanded Hakkai leave, he'd have told Hakkai to leave. He'd told me once before that he liked me. After the kiss in the cave and the kiss that night, I was starting to think that maybe he felt other things for me too. Deeper things that I didn't have the courage to ask him about right now. I really wasn't sure how I felt about that. It was too new an idea. The thought that some one wanted me because I was… me. That stirred to life a storm of butterflies in my stomach.

 

“I don't know what I'm supposed to say,” I grudgingly admitted.

 

Gojyo sighed softly again, “Either you want to keep having sex with me or you want to call it quits and just be friends. I want to keep going with this relationship. What do you want?”

 

I sat quietly and thought as I watched Gojyo begin picking some of the flowers that were growing next to where we sat. He stared off into the distance as his hands seemed to move of their own volition, plucking, weaving and braiding the delicate stems. His hair fell forward again, hiding his profile from me, giving me no clue as to what he was thinking.

 

Did I want to continue having sex with Gojyo?

 

Hell, yes. He was the most erotic, sensual person I'd ever met and the most considerate lover I'd had. He never made me feel uncomfortable because I didn't know something and seemed to take great pleasure in introducing me to all kinds of bed play I never dreamed possible. With him, I knew my enjoyment mattered just as much as his own. Maybe more.

 

Did I want to try and have a relationship with Gojyo?

 

I was nervous and uncertain about that. It wasn't that I didn't want a relationship or thought that Gojyo wasn't worthy of one. It was more like I didn't think I was worth the effort. I knew I was screwed up in the head. We all were to some extent. But what if I let myself believe that I could have something and Gojyo realized what a colossal waste of time it was to try and have something with me? I didn't want to have to deal with getting attached to someone and have them leave me. Again.

 

I shot a glance at Gojyo. He seemed to be waiting patiently for my answer. His fingers continued to work the flowers into an intricate circle. I didn't think he was even aware that he was making anything. That was when I realized that he wasn't nearly as patient and relaxed as he seemed. He was nervous as he waited for my answer and for some reason that made up my mind for me.

 

“You know I'm a prick and I'm not about to change. I want to keep this… thing between us going,” I said as took out a smoke and lit it to cover the sudden attack of nerves at saying out loud what I wanted. I was laying myself wide open for some serious hurt if this went wrong on me.

 

Gojyo's whole body stilled for a heart beat before he relaxed. The smile he turned on me was filled with happiness. A lazy sensual heat and relief was apparent in his eyes. I exhaled a cloud of smoke to hide my surprise that my agreement meant so much to him. As usual with Gojyo, he seemed to sense that I needed a little space; he swung his gaze back to the meadow again.

 

“I think we need a few ground rules, Sanzo.”

 

The butterflies in my stomach burst into nervous life again. This roller coaster of emotions was going to give me an ulcer if it didn't stop soon.

 

“If there's a problem, tell me. Don't pull that shit on me again. Nobody deserves that kind of thing,” Gojyo said with a look at me.

 

I felt heat tinge my cheeks in embarrassment. Now that I knew just how I'd made him feel, I was ashamed of my behaviour. If he'd done that to me, I'd have aimed for something painful, lingering and lethal when I shot him.

 

“You need to be able to talk to your partner to have any kind of relationship and make it work. If I do something that pisses you off, tell me. I'll be sure to let you know if you piss me off.”

 

I smirked as I drew another lungful of smoke in. People could piss me off just by breathing the same air as me. I could talk, I suppose. It'd take some effort but I guess I could try.

 

“After sex, I get quiet time with you. I get to hold you and just… be. I'm not budging on that, Sanzo. If you can't deal with that, then this goes nowhere between us.”

 

I exhaled a cloud of smoke again, this time to hide a small smile. I didn't have a problem with that. I liked it when Gojyo held me. I didn't feel comfortable enough yet to say that out loud to him. I might never feel secure enough to tell Gojyo that.

 

“Fine,” I said evenly.

 

Gojyo shot me a surprised looked. He obviously didn't expect me to agree to that so easily. So far, if these were the rules Gojyo had in mind, I could deal with them.

 

“Is there any conditions you have, Sanzo? You're involved in this just as much as me so if there's something you want from me…” Gojyo trailed off.

 

I said the first thing that popped into my head and immediately wanted to kick myself.

 

“I suppose it's pointless to demand you stop flirting.”

 

“With other people? If that's what you want. I can't guarantee I can. Its harmless fun and half the time I don't realize I'm doing it. But if it bugs you that much, I'll try not to. You do realize that it'll seem suspicious if the only one I flirt with is you. Or did you mean you didn't want me flirting with you?”

 

Gojyo shocked me with that. I didn't know how to answer him. I knew the flirting was just Gojyo being Gojyo but some little part of me got angry every time he sweet talked a pretty girl or gave a handsome man a slow wink and a sensual smile. I had no idea where these possessive feelings for Gojyo were coming from. I didn't own him.

 

But I wanted to make a claim on him.

 

I scowled at the way my brain seemed to not be working around Gojyo. He was right in that it would seem strange if he suddenly stopped flirting with other people. Not that it mattered now where Hakkai was concerned but Goku would certainly notice. Goku loved to point out when Gojyo got shot down by the ladies. I really didn't want to be fielding any questions from Goku about what Gojyo and I did together. I just knew the curious monkey would ask, too.

 

“Sanzo? Did you mean flirting with other people or flirting with you?” Gojyo pressed.

 

“Forget it,” I muttered a little irritated with myself for even mentioning it.

 

Gojyo opened his mouth to say something more but ended up closing his mouth without saying a word. He sat next to me silently, his hands busy with the flowers he was weaving. He seemed lost in thought for a long while before I felt tension rising in him. I hadn't said or done anything so I wondered what his problem was now.

 

Fuck, but relationships were nerve wracking.

 

“I want to know you beyond the sex and this damn journey we're on,” Gojyo said in a low rush.

 

I turned to look at Gojyo in surprise. Know me? What did he mean by that? I started to ask when he spoke again.

 

“I want to spend time with you. Like this. You and me just… sitting and shooting the shit. Or not saying anything at all and just enjoying each others company. It can even be when we're alone since you don't want the monkey knowing what's going on. I want the chance to know you better, Sanzo.”

 

“Why?” I asked suspiciously.

 

“Because, despite your nasty-assed attitude, I actually like you, Sanzo. It's what lovers do. That's what I want. You, as my lover. I mean it, Sanzo. I want a real relationship with you not just some fuck buddy thing of convenience. That was fine at the beginning but… I want more now. If that's gonna be a problem for you, I need to know now, Sanzo.”

 

He'd thrown me for a loop. I found myself scowling. Was I ready for something like this? What would happen when Gojyo finally realized that I was nothing more than a fucking prick with an okay face and a decent body? Would he just tell me to fuck off and go find someone else when he got tired of dealing with my attitude? Could I handle that? I rubbed the edge of the sutra absently again. My hand jerked when I felt his calloused palm cover my fingers.

 

“I know you have… issues and stuff. We all do. I know I'm being pushy but if I don't push you a little, you'll just coast along. I think we can have something good together. I just… please, think about it, okay?” Gojyo asked softly as he leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips.

 

I was so surprised by the quiet plea in his voice and the tender kiss; I didn't even think to protest that somebody could see us. He stood and ran a hand through his hair in a nervous gesture. There was a vulnerable look in his eyes when he met mine that stunned me before he looked back towards the camp and raised his arm in a wave. I'd never seen that sort of expression on his face before. The butterflies in my stomach crashed into frenzied motion when I realized I had the power to hurt him like nobody else. Why did he let me see that in his face? There really was a lot more going on with Gojyo than I thought. Was I really ready for something like this? Would I ever be ready?

 

“Hakkai is waving at us. Supper must be ready,” Gojyo said as he turned and started to walk back to camp.

 

He left me sitting there under the tree almost more confused than when he first sat down to talk to me. I watched him walk away from me and felt a tightness in my chest again. Could I do this? Could I have a real relationship with Gojyo? Did I want one? My heart pounded, whether from fear or excitement, I couldn't have said at that moment. He was asking a hell of a lot from me and I didn't know if I could deliver. I thought about the way he'd looked at me before he started back to the camp. My eyes widened when it hit me that he was unsure that I'd be willing to try to have a relationship with him. That maybe he thought my hesitating wasn't because I was nervous about it but because he didn't think I'd want to be with him.

 

“Gojyo,” I called.

 

He stopped with his back to me. “Yeah?” he asked warily.

 

“I don't have a problem with that, just… don't expect miracles,” I said gruffly.

 

“A guy can dream, Sanzo,” Gojyo said as he shot me a surprised yet happy smile over his shoulder before he continued on his way to camp.

 

I snorted at that comment. I was about to follow him when I spied the flower chain Gojyo had been making beside my leg. I picked it up and examined the elegant object. Several different types and colours of flowers were woven together along with some long grasses. Tiny flowers peaked out from the plaits of grass between the larger flowers. It was a beautiful piece of work. I almost expected it to fall apart when I picked it up but it had been braided skilfully and was surprisingly sturdy. Such a simple thing yet so… Gojyo.

 

I looked around surreptitiously before slipping the flower chain into the sleeve of my robe. For whatever reason, I was reluctant to leave it in the grass. I had no idea why I wanted to keep it. I just did. I stood and headed back towards our camp. I was nervous about opening myself up to a relationship. Past experiences hadn't been kind to me. But, if I didn't try, I might miss out on something I never dared dreamed I could have.

 

I suppose if Gojyo could dream, so could I.