Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Sharing the Darkness ❯ In Your Arms Again ( Chapter 1 )

Lyrics "Wake Up Sleeping," by the Saw Doctors

Characters: Gensomaden Saiyuki (Sha Gojyo & Cho Hakkai)

Disclaimer: I don't own the any of the wonderful bishonen of Saiyuki…I'm just borrowing them so I can torture them a bit. Don't worry, I promise not to damage them too permanently. ^.~ Also, I don't own the song "Wake Up Sleeping."

Author's Note: Well, my string of songfics continues, as you can see. As does the angst (and I was so hoping I'd outgrown that phase). Oh, and this is my first ever lime, so forgive me if it doesn't turn out perfect.

Warnings: Language, Soft Yaoi, Lime, Angst ahead.

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I've got loads and loads of patience

Sha Gojyo always considered himself to be a pretty patient guy. He may have given off the initial impression that he was a slacker, but anybody who earned their living by gambling learned patience. There was no other way to win, after all. Getting antsy made you sloppy, and that's how you lost. So, he cultivated his patience, not only while gaming but in all the aspects of his life. He knew that good things would generally only come to those who were willing to wait it out. But, for all that, the actions of his green-eyed companion were wearing on his last nerve. Gojyo sat in the back seat of the Jeep, chain-smoking, trying to decipher his friend's recent actions. Hakkai seemed to be doing his level best to avoid him, and Gojyo was getting near the end of his proverbial rope.

And I'm just as proud as you

Not that he'd ever stoop to admitting just how much it bothered him. Gojyo still had his pride, after all. He was determined that Hakkai wouldn't have that too. That soft gaze and lying smile had already taken too much from him. Of course, Hakkai never asked for anything. Everything Gojyo had lost, he had himself given away. His independence. His heart. Those Hakkai had almost from the first time they met, when Gojyo had found him half dead in the rain. And then, more recently, Gojyo had given himself to Hakkai. He almost blushed thinking back on it.

He'd been a bit drunk…not so much that he didn't know what he was doing, but just enough that he didn't particularly care. He and Hakkai had grown to be such good friends. And on that rainy night, when Hakkai's gaze turned inward with such intense pain hidden in those eyes, Gojyo had wanted to let him forget. Forget why the rain made him so depressed. Forget the blood that bathed him. This is not to say his motives were entirely altruistic…not by any means. For Gojyo, he also wanted to be with somebody who knew him for what he really was, who saw in him the same things he did when he looked in the mirror, and who stayed anyway. As much as he wanted to save Hakkai, he too wanted to be saved.

If it goes until I'm dead and gone
I won't come running on after you

But now, Hakkai seemed to do everything he could to avoid being alone with the redhead. And Gojyo would be thrice damned before he broke down and confronted the man. He hadn't initiated the action, not really. All he did was take Hakkai in his arms, trying to offer some small comfort. He had been kissed, not the other way around. Of course, to be fair, he did respond with enthusiasm. But even though his hands seemed to have minds of their own as they had floated along the brunette's body, making butterfly caresses along his back and sides, still there hadn't been one ounce of protest. *Shit!* Gojyo swore to himself. He wasn't in the wrong! He wasn't going to break down and apologize, nor was he going to beg for more like some dog.

But if you enjoy remembering
When you were my best friend

The worst thing about it was that they had gone from being best friends to near strangers in the space of a few days. Yeah, it would have been great to have things back the way they had been…but that didn't mean he regretted what happened. It had been so different than his usual one-nighters with whatever girl had caught his eye that night. He hadn't bothered with any of the usual bullshit lines he used, knowing that, even half-blind, Hakkai would see through his act in an instant. And there hadn't been any of those tense silences that always seemed to happen when he realized what cold comfort an empty lay really was. No. The silence between he and Hakkai that night had indeed been charged, but with desire and pleasure, not with anxiety or impatience. The silence wasn't a waiting one, rather it was just that Gojyo felt so close to him that words weren't necessary.

I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again

And falling asleep afterwards, limbs still tangled together, covers pulled up to preserve that precious warmth between them, soft breathing and heartbeats seeming to drown out the last of the rain. Gojyo couldn't remember the last time he had slept so soundly. For once, there were no memories haunting him, no nightmares to remind him of the scars on his face and on his spirit. He remembered waking up to the sun peeking through the window and feeling something he couldn't adequately put words to. He wanted to compare it to feeling at home, but his home life was never that serene. All he knew was it was the first time he woke up in someone's arms that he wasn't immediately trying to figure out how to get away and get his own personal space back.

There was kids outside the window
On their first day back at school

As he had lay in Hakkai's arms, feeling his soft breathing, he could hear what had woken him in the first place: some kids running around outside. He could hear youthful voices calling to each other as they chased each other through the streets. In another time, had he woken anywhere else, he would have been pissed about being woken up. But, finding himself in so inviting a position, he relished the chance to see his friend so completely relaxed in sleep. He had then shifted around gently, putting his head on Hakkai's chest so he could hear that steady heartbeat, as his chest gently rose and fell. As the children's voices faded into the distance, Gojyo closed his eyes.

The morning after our first night
Me and you alone

And there, in that moment, it was as if only the two of them existed. Gojyo felt an echo of the bliss they had shared the night before. That night, there had been no effort in believing that nothing existed outside of the room they shared. They had been drowned in each other so effectively, that the entire world could have stopped and they would never have noticed. But even as Gojyo tried to hold on to the belief that the rest of the world did not exist, the sun forcing it's way into the room brought a sense of reality. The world had not ceased to exist the night before, as he had imagined. Still, within the small sanctuary of that hotel room, they had been alone together.

On the second of September
I knew I'd found a friend

Gojyo lit another cigarette from the butt of the previous one, pulling the smoke deep into his lungs. Damn. What had gone wrong? He'd felt so warm in Hakkai's arms. He'd found someone who truly accepted him that night. He didn't have words for what he'd felt towards the brown-haired man. "Friend" was so inadequate; and to call him a lover would simply lump him in with the numerous women who'd shared his bed. That declaration would have cheapened what Hakkai was to him. Whatever name you put to it though, Hakkai understood him. Gojyo remembered looking down at Hakkai that night, his long hair forming a curtain around their faces, and that gentle voice saying "Neither of us will ever really be free of this blood," as Hakkai reached up to run his fingers through all of that red, reminding them both of the blood on his hands. And even after those words, Hakkai had stayed. He saw Gojyo's past, and his sins, and he stayed.

I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again

Well, he had stayed for a little while, anyway. He had stayed the night, long enough for Gojyo to wake up in his arms and fall back asleep. But then when he had woken again, it was to an otherwise empty and cold bed. And everything went to shit from there. Because, looking around, he realized that Hakkai had packed up all of his things and already taken them out of the room. This hadn't seems ominous at the time; after all, they were leaving that day, and Hakkai was always painfully organized about such things. But since then, Hakkai seemed to have gone out of his way to not be alone with Gojyo. He'd convinced Sanzo to get them all separate rooms every time they stopped. And whenever he tried to catch Hakkai's eye, the green-eyed man just looked at him with that damn smile he always seemed to wear. Shit, he looked at Gojyo the same way he looked at the enemies they fought: with an empty smile and eyes like a brick wall.

I've never been this lonely

Gojyo couldn't remember ever feeling so betrayed. Even when his "mother" had attacked him, he hadn't felt this abandoned. He was so damn tired of this bullshit that Hakkai was pulling. He would never have believed that he could feel so alone with 3 constant traveling companions, if he wasn't already going through it. Still, he couldn't bring himself to talk to Hakkai about it. If the brunette was going to treat him like a disease, he sure as Hell wasn't going to act like some desperate idiot and beg to be taken back.

And there's nowhere I can turn

And asking for help from anyone else was out of the question too. After all, who could he ask? Sanzo? Yeah, sure, Gojyo liked his brains in his head, not splattered on the wall. And the monk's trigger finger was just too damn itchy for Gojyo to even consider talking to him. And then there was Goku. That was an even bigger joke than trying to talk to Sanzo. First, the kid was too young…or at least he acted like it. Second, he was too annoying. And third, he was too hung up on Sanzo to be of any use; because Gojyo knew the minute words passed his lips they would be relayed to Sanzo. And, well, then we got back into the whole issue with the blonde's fondness for his Smith & Wesson.

But there must be strength in loneliness

The redhead remembered being told once "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." At the time, it had seemed a stupid thing to think, but now those words made a twisted sort of sense. After all, this incident hadn't killed him, and getting through this crap would, by that logic, make him a stronger person. But, fuck, he didn't want to deal with this. He didn't want to have to gain strength that way.

And lessons to be learnt

Well, if nothing else, maybe this would teach him about getting drunk around his traveling companions. Admittedly, he hadn't been truly drunk, just pleasantly buzzed, but obviously he shouldn't let his guard down so much. Shit like that just gets you in trouble, obviously.

You broke my heart in smithereens
I swear it will not mend

Still…he craved that feeling, at least one more time. That peace. He knew he'd never found it with anybody else, and it didn't seem likely that he ever would. He had broken over these last days, as Hakkai had steadfastly ignored him. Something inside him wasn't whole anymore, and he wasn't convinced it ever would be. He had given too much to Hakkai, and now he was missing too many pieces to stay unbroken.

I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again

As they pulled into the next town, Gojyo pulled out of his reverie to drag his stuff into the inn. He listened with well-disguised happiness as the innkeeper explained that there were only 2 rooms available. He didn't say anything, knowing that Sanzo was already in a bad mood at the thought of sharing a room. He simply followed up the stairs, and dropped his bags in the room that Hakkai had chosen. He kept everything casual, as if to say that this was the most natural thing in the world, of course he'd be staying in that room as well. If Sanzo noticed, he didn't say anything. And Gojyo grinned inwardly at the fact that this room had just one very large bed.

~*~*Owari*~*~