Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Sharing the Darkness ❯ Falling Apart ( Chapter 2 )

Lyrics: "Cocoon" by JoyDrop

Characters: Gensomaden Saiyuki (Cho Hakkai & Sha Gojyo)

Disclaimer: I dream and dream of owning these sugoi bishonen, but every morning I wake up to find that all I own is a lot of nothing. And, of course, I only wish I was clever enough to own the lyrics to "Cocoon."

AN: Well, this was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but after the first chapter Hakkai came along and just kept whispering in my ear. He wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote this, so I hope you enjoyed. Well, you know, Read and Review, onegai!

Warning: The angst fairy came to my place and made herself right at home, so you can bet this one is full of depression and self-destructive thoughts. Oh, and a bit of lime, and a teeny bit of fluff.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If I should choose to live in my cocoon

Hakkai was, by nature, a very private individual. He kept his thoughts and his feelings to himself. And, for the most part, his friends seemed to respect this fact. So when he excused himself from dinner to go take a walk around town, no one questioned it. He was trying to pull back, keep everything inside himself, keep up the wall he'd built between himself and the rest of the world. He had to take some time for himself and do it now, because tonight he'd be alone with Gojyo for the first time since he'd woken tangled in the redhead's arms. Hakkai had made every effort since then to keep some distance between himself and Gojyo, keeping him at arm's length along with everyone else.

Wrap myself in me and cry myself to sleep

Hakkai didn't often let his emotions show. He was always the calm smiling one, the nursemaid and peacemaker of the group. But when he was alone, and had only his own problems to confront and only his own thoughts to keep him company, his gaze would turn inward. For nights after waking with Gojyo, he felt silent tears run down his face as he lay in bed. He wept for Kanan, for everything he had failed to do. He wasn't there to keep her from being taken, and he wasn't there to protect her from those beasts, and his failure cost her her life. But, as much as he wept for Kanan, he also wept for himself, for the certainty that he had no right to claim affection from anyone any more. He wept tears filled with self-recrimination that he had allowed himself to forget her, even if it was for just a few hours one rainy night.

If I should choose to protect my tender heart

Thinking back on that morning, Hakkai could have given several reasons that he'd left before Gojyo could wake up. He could have said that he'd felt he'd betrayed Kanan's memory, that he wasn't over what had happened to her. He could have said that he'd felt badly about taking advantage of his friend when the redhead had obviously been drinking. He could have said that he was angry at himself for becoming another notch on Gojyo's bedpost, another cheap lay. He could even have said that he just didn't feel he deserved that kind of happiness after all that he had done. He could have said any of these things, and any one of them would have been true. But they didn't get at the root of the problem. The truth was that he was afraid losing someone he cared deeply for, just like he had with Kanan. He feared that the stigma of his affection would curse Gojyo to end up tortured and dead, just like her. That he would once again be responsible in some way for killing the one he cared for, and would be good for nothing but seeking empty vengeance.

Build a shell from you steal myself from you

So rather than ever risk seeing that happen, Hakkai pulled back into himself. He saw the looks that Gojyo gave him, trying to get a repeat of that night, or at the very least an explanation. But Hakkai didn't respond to those glances, just wore the empty smile that had become his armor. He never let on that the armor was just an empty shell. The heart and soul he pretended to protect were already lost. He didn't know exactly when it had happened, but it was some time between waking up in Gojyo's apartment, shocked to find himself alive, and the morning that Sanzo had, at Gojyo's insistence, chanted sutras for those that Hakkai had killed. Somewhere in there, Gojyo had grown on him.

He'd could never care for anyone in the way he had for Kanan. That much was certain. But what he'd found in his heart for Gojyo was so different. Kanan was a delicate treasure to be protected and shielded from the world. And, in the end, that was what had destroyed her: that Hakkai had sworn to protect her, but he was not there when she truly needed him. And that had killed her, as surely as if Hakkai had thrust the knife into her himself. But Gojyo was so different from Kanan; he had an inner strength that was almost overwhelming. Hakkai was drawn to that strength, as if he could drown himself in it. And he knew that, for that one night, he was the one being protected. But, as good and as right as it felt, he could not allow it to continue.

If I should choose to fall apart
Don't you think you should let me

In a small way, Hakkai held Gojyo responsible for what had happened. Gojyo knew he didn't like rainy nights. That they brought out too many memories to ignore. And he spent those nights staring at the rain as he crumbled inside. And every other night, Gojyo had let him have his space, had not interfered. But that one night, the brunette had felt himself surrounded by that strong and warm embrace. His first reaction was annoyance. Didn't that idiot know when he wanted to be left alone? Was he so drunk that he thought Hakkai was some fool girl he'd seduced up to his rooms with his pretty lies and seductive smile? Hakkai initiated the kiss, not as an act of any sort of affection, but rather as a shock tactic to draw Gojyo out of his apparent alcohol-induced haze. But the response he got was not one he had ever expected. He had not expected soft lips moving against his, as the redhead gave a nearly-silent moan. He had not expected hands ghosting over him as if he were delicate, fragile. And he had never expected to forget Kanan on such a rainy night.

If I should choose to die alone
You should forgive and forget me

But then, the half-demon had a way of surprising Hakkai. After all, he'd also never expected to live after Kanan's death. He'd felt his life running out of his body along with the blood in that cold rain. And he'd thought that, even if he was found, whomever it was would have sense enough to see that he was a hopeless case, that his fate was already sealed. As he'd closed his eyes, he'd fully expected to open them to find himself in the hell he'd earned with his failure. Waking on a bed in a rather messy apartment was, for a brief instant, enough to make him question how much of what he remembered was real. But then the pain in his gut told him that he had not imagined things, he was waking to his nightmare, not from it.

Hakkai pulled away from that line of memory. It was too painful to think about what had happened then, about learning what Gojyo had done for him when he had sought only death. It was too much to think about his own descent into madness, as he became the demon he was now. Even now, as his thoughts skirted around that time, he could feel that bestial side of him growling in the back of his mind, straining against the bars of reason. The power limiters helped keep it in check, it was true, but it was a simple act to reach up and pull them off. To not have to think any more. But he realized that this pain he carried was a part of his penance.

If I decide I can't do it anymore

Hakkai stopped and leaned against the wall of the nearest building. He looked up and realized that it was getting late, for the sun was starting to slip over the horizon, staining everything around him to crimson and scarlet. He looked down at his hands, and could almost feel the blood that dripped from them. Every day seemed to bring more. It was not enough that he was covered in the blood of Kanan, and that of the 1000 demons he'd slain, but now that of the assassins that pursued them joined it. He knew that he would always be haunted by those thoughts. Even in Gojyo's arms, he'd been aware of it…but he knew just as well that Gojyo had his own bloody past to worry over. Hakkai sighed softly and closed his eyes. He was so damn tired of it. So tired of living with the memories he'd inherited from a dead man. He'd sworn to accompany Sanzo on this journey as an effort to atone for some of his sins. He'd done it to make up for the death and destruction he'd caused. But now, he found this voyage brought only more killing. It was getting so difficult to stay strong, to be what he needed to be, to rely only on himself.

Try to be so hard I'm trying to be so fucking hard

He was trying to stay locked inside of himself. He was trying not to be around the one person who seemed to recognize just how brittle he could be inside. He tried to block Gojyo off, keep away. But it seemed the fates had finally conspired against him. At least it was clear weather. He didn't think he could keep himself so composed if it were another rainy night. He considered telling Gojyo the same sort of thing that the redhead must have told countless women…that it had just been a bit of fun, no real meaning to it. He wanted to be that cold, that hardened…but he wasn't quite that good of a liar. And besides, Gojyo wasn't that stupid. They both knew what had happened that night, and what it had meant. Hakkai couldn't change that with simple words, any more than he could become human again.

If I should choose to keep lying to myself

Hakkai knew he wasn't human. Cho Hakkai never had been human. Cho Gonou was human…but Cho Gonou died the night he came home to find the person he most loved in the world was missing. In that moment, Cho Hakkai was born. He may not have had a name until the trial and sentencing, but that was the moment of his nativity. Hakkai came into the world through a sea of blood that he now hid and pretended to deny. He acted so polite and kind, so human, that those who met him never guessed. So he lied about what he was every day. And more, he lied to himself that he didn't care about what had happened between himself and Gojyo. And he lied, thinking that it didn't matter. After all, the truth wouldn't make anybody any happier.

Pretend my mind is telling truths

Hakkai let out another small sigh as he pushed himself off of the wall he'd been leaning against. He needed to head back to the inn. He didn't want anyone to think there was anything out of the ordinary. Maybe he'd head up to the room right away. After all, Gojyo would probably be drinking in the bar and flirting with anything with 2 legs and a skirt. So if he was asleep before the kappa came upstairs, he wouldn't have to face those accusing eyes of his. And he could simply wake up before the redhead, just like the last time. Thinking about his friend's womanizing, Hakkai found it easy to believe that Gojyo had been just really drunk that night, and that it hadn't meant anything. Gojyo was just a hentai, and it shouldn't matter. It shouldn't have meant anything to either of them.

Well I've got my own so who are you

As he walked into the inn, Hakkai glanced over at the bar. Seeing a familiar head of red hair, he allowed himself a humorless smile and continued on to his room…or, make that their room. Gojyo would never change: if he wasn't gambling and flirting, he'd be drinking and flirting. Hakkai reached into his bag and pulled out his night clothes, laying them neatly on the bed. He then noticed the full-length mirror attached to the back of the door. He took off his monocle, placing it on the nightstand where he could easily find it again. Then he turned from the door to remove his shirt. He did this without thinking…he never liked to see himself, didn't like to see his scars that reminded him so forcibly of his past. Not wanting to think about such things, he simply allowed his mind to wander as he slipped his shirt over his head. He was reaching back for his nightshirt when he felt it pressed into his hands. He spun around in shock, holding the nightshirt to his torso; he had been so wrapped up in thought he hadn't even heard the door open, and was ready to attack this unknown intruder when he looked up into painfully familiar vermilion eyes.

I know I know I know

At that sight Hakkai forced his features back into their customary grin. "Gojyo. You startled me, I didn't hear you come in." He then turned back around to continue getting ready for bed, effectively cutting off any sort of meaningful conversation the other might have wanted to have. Hakkai was well aware of how much that would piss his friend off, but it did serve a purpose. It should have bought him a moment to compose himself as he pulled on his shirt. Unfortunately, he had underestimated just how pissed Gojyo was. For he had only just turned his back on the redhead when he felt a rough grip on his shoulder spin him back around. Somehow, Hakkai managed to keep his expression calm…but he couldn't bring himself to look his friend in the eye. So he looked at Gojyo's arm and the hand on his shoulder as he spoke. "Now, now, Gojyo. It's getting late and we'll be leaving early. We should get some sleep."

Throughout all of this, Hakkai had yet to hear one sound pass Gojyo's lips. As the silence continued, he risked a look into the other's eyes. And the intensity of what he saw there was startling. The only thing that kept Hakkai from stepping back was the continued grip on his shoulder. Those drowning pools drew him in, as that look laid Gojyo's soul bare before him. The betrayal, the anger, the sorrow, concern, fear, and even nearly concealed desire…all of this Hakkai could clearly read in those eyes. And it was with a level of sorrow that he knew his eyes showed nothing but eyes. As the silence stretched out, Hakkai saw Gojyo's eyes narrow in increasing determination and anger. And then, before he could even think to react, he felt Gojyo's hand tangle in his hair and the half-demon's lips once more connect with his own. As Hakkai gasped in surprise, he felt Gojyo's tongue slide in and explore his mouth, and he could taste the cigarettes the redhead had been smoking all day. The kiss was heated and skilled, and Hakkai moaned as his nightshirt slipped from abruptly nerveless fingers. Then, just as suddenly, Gojyo released him and took a step back.

If I should choose fall apart
Don't you think you should let me

Hakkai wasn't even aware of the tiny whimper that escaped his throat at the loss of contact. As he stood there, trying to catch his breath, he heard Gojyo's first words of the night. "There. Now we're even." Hakkai gaped at him in astonishment, amazed at how their roles seem to have been suddenly reversed. For once, Gojyo was more composed than himself. The look of confusion was clearly painted on his features as he stared at his friend. "You didn't kiss me because you wanted me, or because you cared, or because you wanted to be friendly. It was nothing like that. You kissed me to fuck me up inside. Well, one good turn deserves another. So, now we're even."

Hakkai stared at his friend. He knew he should give some sort of answer, but he couldn't think of what to say. "Gojyo…"

"No. Shut up. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your excuses, or any of your bullshit. Just remember, Hakkai, we've still got a long journey ahead of us, so you better find some way to deal with that. Now, I'm going back to the bar, get drunk, and find some hot chick to spend the night with. You should probably go to bed." Gojyo turned and started to walk out of the room, but paused in the doorway. He spoke without turning around. "Oh, and one more thing. Just a bit of advice from someone who's been around the block a few times: never kiss a whore like you mean it. They tend to get the wrong idea." And with that, he left.

The icy tone of Gojyo's words shook Hakkai to the core. Gojyo was never like this. He got mad and drank it away, or he fought and broke things. He certainly wasn't the cold calculating type. It was at that instant that Hakkai realized that he'd done it again: he'd failed someone who depended on him. Gojyo had counted on him to be there as a friend, and he'd treated him as an enemy…no, worse, he'd treated him like a stranger, like somebody insignificant. All of the strength fled his legs and he collapsed to his hands and knees on the floor. He stared dumbly at the water that blossomed on the floor, not registering until that moment that he was crying.

If I should choose to die alone
You should forgive and forget me

He didn't know how long he stayed like that; he only knew that when the rest of the world pressed in on his senses again, the inn was much quieter, and the light outside the window much darker. "I can't do this," he whispered into the empty room. "I'm sorry, Sanzo, I know I said I'd come with and help, but I can't keep living on borrowed time. Chin Isou, you were right. I should have just let you kill me. I keep letting everyone down."

Hakkai pulled himself slowly upright with the help of the bed. He stood for a few moments, swaying slightly on his feet, in a vain attempt to regain his mental bearings. He reached over to the bed and picked up his shirt, pulling over his head. He looked around the room, thinking that perhaps he should straighten everything out, but then shook his head at the thought. It wouldn't matter, there wasn't anything here that he was taking with. The only thing he needed was in his bag. He walked over and pulled out a large knife. It seemed fitting, somehow, that the very weapon that had brought Cho Hakkai into this world also remove him from it. With weapon in hand, he walked slowly down the stairs and made his way out the back door of the inn. He didn't know where he would go, just away. He didn't want to have to be around anyone who might try to stop him. He just focused all of his thoughts on getting far away without arousing suspicion.

"You're too fucking predictable, you know that, Hakkai?"

Hakkai stopped, but didn't turn around. "Go away, Gojyo. This has nothing to do with you."

"You stupid, selfish bastard! You really think you can just run away? You think I'm gonna let you get away with that? I should just kick your ass and get it over with."

Hakkai spun around to face Gojyo, and for once his anger was written clearly on his face. "Leave me alone, Gojyo. Leave me in peace, like you should have that night. Quit trying to bring back the dead!"

Gojyo took a last drag on his cigarette before dropping it and grinding it under his heel. "You must really hate me. I know you think about Kanan every day, about what happened. Now you want me to have to do the same thing."

"I…"

"You said it yourself, Hakkai. You can't bring back the dead."

Hakkai let his head drop forward. "I'm tired, Gojyo. Can't I…can't I just rest?"

"I told you already, we've got a long journey yet. So, no, you can't, not yet." Then, Hakkai felt a warm arm slide around his shoulders and urge him gently back to the inn. He allowed the knife to be pulled from his hands, and allowed himself to be led back up the stairs to the room they were to share. He shook himself out of his stupor enough to change and climb into bed. Gojyo dropped the knife in Hakkai's bag, changed his own clothes, put out the light, and got into bed on the other side. Hakkai noticed that he kept himself well over to the side of the bed, allowing Hakkai to have his own space. "Gojyo, why…?" He trailed off, not being able to sort out enough of what he wanted to ask. But Gojyo seemed to understand, because he let out a chuckle.

"Heh, if you figure out the answer to that, let me know, because I'd really like to know myself. Now get some sleep, Hakkai; if we're too tired to travel tomorrow, Sanzo will put new holes in our heads for making him spend more time with that baka saru."

"Gojyo, I…you're not a whore. I never thought you were."

"Hakkai, I'm really too tired for this sort of shit tonight. If you still want to talk about it in the morning, then you can stay here until I wake up and we'll talk. But if you run off again, then you're just going to have to find your own way to deal with it, because I'm not going to beg you."

Hakkai didn't say anything further. But he couldn't just drop it either, so instead he closed the distance between them, to lay his head on Gojyo's shoulder and slip an arm across the redhead's chest. He felt Gojyo tense in response, then relax, bringing his arm around so he was half-embracing Hakkai. Closing his eyes, on the verge of sleep, Hakkai knew that he'd stay this time, that he wouldn't disappear like before. He knew that meant facing up to everything that had happened. But that was for tomorrow, and for now he was content to let his eyes slip shut and drift off to dream.

~*~*Owari*~*~