Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Shattering ❯ Agonizing Revelations ( Chapter 3 )

Title: Shattering [chapter 3/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc"

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai)

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers.

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

Late in the afternoon of the twenty-fifth of November, after yet another strange night where he had feigned sleep while wrapped in blankets beside Sanzo's bed even as Goku stayed close to Hakkai's, Gojyo found himself pacing the length of the inn's front porch.

Practically chain-smoking in a failed attempt to get enough nicotine into his bloodstream to calm his frazzled nerves, he was waiting for the priest who had gone to speak with Hakkai on his behalf. Despite the fact that Gojyo and Sanzo themselves needed a serious, man-to-monk conversation regarding the no longer secret relationship between the elder two youkai, enough had come to light that when the blond offered to try to bridge the gap, the former lady's man had jumped at the chance.

Of course, Sanzo--who was doing this for his own sanity if for no other reason--had felt obligated to point out that if Hakkai did not wish to speak with Gojyo alone, that would be the end of the matter until something changed.

Coming to the southern end of the porch and then turning on his heel and heading back north, Gojyo fiddled with the treasured, silver-plated lighter that he had started keeping in the palm of his hand as much as possible. Recollections of the overcast, rainy day when he had received it as a birthday gift brought him much-needed comfort during this frightening period of uncertainty.

The five traveling companions were all eager to see Hakkai's memory return, but the heartsick half-breed had so much more to lose than the others did if the amnesia was permanent.

Actually, Hakkai himself had already lost something significant in that he had no memory of his use of ki-channeling as either a weapon or as a means of healing injuries. At first, he had been understandably skeptical about even having a supernatural ability of that sort.

Yet when Goku returned from the construction site with a minor injury that caused the boy a bit of pain, Hakkai found himself wishing that the others were right about it even though it sounded quite impossible to him. With only a small amount of hesitation, he had attempted to call forth his powers and they had all discovered that Hakkai could no longer manifest even so much as a faint, verdant glimmer.

"That just sucks, too," Gojyo grumbled to himself with a sigh as he recalled the failed attempt.

He tried to convince himself that Sanzo was right when the priest insisted that Hakkai's condition alone could have explained the disappointing result of the experiment, but he couldn't. There were just too many changes in Hakkai's personality and they were becoming even more pronounced now that he had been conscious again for two full days.

The desire to slam his fist into a wall again rose up in Gojyo and if he hadn't run out of cigarettes at that exact moment, he may very well have done so. Loudly crushing his now empty pack of hi-lites with annoyance instead, he sighed deeply and then used the lighter to ignite the tobacco before sucking on the filter tip demandingly.

"That coffin nail of yours won't last long if you smoke it *that* way, baka," a voice commented less snidely than it usually would have. Stepping towards the youkai who had turned desperate scarlet eyes towards him, Sanzo handed Gojyo a Marlboro and commanded, "Here. Make yourself useful for a change and light this for me."

Puzzled by the odd request yet willing to obey since it might bring him news faster than questioning the strange order might, Gojyo placed the fresh cigarette between his lips and lit it before handing it back with an inquiring gaze.

Shrugging and feeling glad that his robes were up on his shoulders once more since there was a chill in the late autumn weather that the town had not been troubled with so far, Sanzo commented, "I ran out of lighter fluid earlier."

"Ah, gotcha," Gojyo acknowledged, then stuffed his hands in his pockets and simply waited. When Genjo Sanzo wanted time to think, there was certainly no point in rushing him.

Leaning against the porch railing, Sanzo puffed on his cigarette for a moment, then said as he watched a pair of small birds harassing a larger one overhead, "Hakkai says he's willing to talk to you, Gojyo, but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I was you."

Nodding in acknowledgement even though it hurt to hear this, Gojyo asked, "Why do you say that, Sanzo?"

Slowly shaking his head and drawing a breath in through the smoldering cigarette, Sanzo thought for a moment. Then, after blowing out a thin, gray stream of smoke, he replied quietly, "He's changed. At least, as far as you and I are concerned." He sounded miffed as he added, "He's fine with the monkey or the dragon, but you and I aren't on the damned 'A list' anymore."

"So I'd noticed," Gojyo agreed unhappily. Scuffing a booted toe at a small stain on the porch's wooden floor, he inquired, "Think there's anything I can do to make this easier?"

Arching a disdainful eyebrow, Sanzo remarked bitterly, "Don't ask him about the two of you at all, moron. Leaving it the hell alone would be a better idea than confronting him about it!" With a huff, he then amended, "But this whole thing's killing you. I can see it. Goku sees it."

Ignoring the shocked expression that the comment regarding their young friend had caused, Sanzo waved a hand in the air dismissively then stated, "Shit, even the damned *innkeeper* has been weirded out by your moping, so go take your chances and talk to him. Maybe another fucking miracle will happen and we can all get back to normal *before* Gyumaou's cronies can thaw his fat ass out so he can come destroy us all!"

Trying to clear his head of the haze surrounding it at that moment, Gojyo asked uncertainly, "What do you mean by that, Sanzo? Aren't you and Goku going to resume the journey west without us as soon as you can?"

"And we'll win the battles ahead of us exactly *how*, asshole?!" Sanzo answered with a question of his own. Not allowing a reply, he added flatly, "I was given you four as my lackeys for some damned reason that I can't even begin to guess at. Apparently, I *need* you to complete this mission and without you, I can pretty much bet that I'm screwed."

"But--"

"Look," Sanzo interrupted, "I was given Hakkai's help through an oath he swore at the temple of the Sanbutusin when they spared Gonou's life and, as we found out later, that meant I got you and Hakuryu in the bargain. Goku's glued to me for life at the rate things are going, but the two of us can't get where we need to go without the jeep and, frankly, I don't much care for the idea of not having your scythe or Hakkai's shields when I go into a fight."

Stunned by the unprecedented admission, Gojyo rocked back on his heels for a moment, then replied simply, "Oh."

Snorting softly, Sanzo replied, "Yeah, 'oh' pretty much sums up this whole shitty deal those damned godlings stuck me with, now doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah, I guess it does," Gojyo answered and then asked, "So having me and Hakkai work this out really makes a big difference, not just for us, but also for you and indirectly for everybody else, right?"

Heaving an annoyed sigh, Sanzo let go of some of his anger and said, "Yes and no. You two share a history only one of you can remember at this point, so unless you can find a way to forget it the same as he has, you'll never be able to work together again. You'll be distracted by trying to find a way to get back what you lost and he's going to be distracted by wondering what the hell is your problem. Distraction gets not just you but also the people fighting next to you killed. Pardon me all the way to hell and back if I can't accept broken versions of the two of you in replacement for who you were a week ago."

Gojyo murmured an obscenity as he shook his head. Deciding to find out what the worst case scenario's solution might be, he asked tentatively, "Um, what'll you do if push comes to shove and the best I can offer is to come with you on my own?"

The noise of a wailing infant a short distance away caused the half-breed to glance at the street as he continued, "Maybe Hakkai and Hakuryu can build that new life that doctor mentioned and--"

Anything else he might've said was cut off by the sudden heat of a hand clamped demandingly on his shoulder. Turning towards Sanzo and fearing a fist in his face, Gojyo got an unexpected answer.

"I take all *three* of you or I take none."

The pause after this statement was significant as was the pointed addition of, "*Distraction*, remember?"

"Oh."

The warm hand fell away as Sanzo pointed out, "You say that a lot these days, moron."

"Maybe so, but what'll you do if that's how it turns out?"

Shrugging, Sanzo replied, "Then I find a way to make contact with the Sanbutusin and drop the whole fucked-up mess back in their nonexistent laps. My only real goal originally was to recover my master's stolen sutra. If I don't have the tools to do that, I'd rather blow this off completely and let the world go to pieces on its own. I've had just about all of the 'selfless sacrifice' crap that I can take."

Whether this was how Sanzo truly felt or not was unclear even to himself, yet he left his heartless statement unchanged as it hung in the air between them.

With a firm nod, Gojyo accepted this and said, "In that case, I'll just have to go up there and see what it takes to wake back up those memories of Hakkai's. I don't much fancy having that much guilt on my conscience." Without pausing for more discussion, he nodded once more and went back inside hoping he could make good on the boastful statement added for Sanzo's benefit more than for his own.

Watching the half-breed vanish into the interior of the inn, Sanzo sighed then murmured, "That's pretty much what I was hoping you'd say."

Sanzo discarded the cigarette that had turned into a column of ash while they'd talked in favor of a new one, lighting it with ease since the remark about his lighter being inoperable had been a lie intended to derail Gojyo's dark train of thought.

Holding the smoke inside his lungs longer than normal, he wondered if his journey truly was over and whether or not he could make good on his threat to abandon it if the trio wasn't joining them. Even he wasn't sure at that point, but if forced to tell the truth about it, he really hoped he never had to make that decision at all.

Blowing the smoke out in a negligent, gray stream, Sanzo decided that his life would be much easier if he could honestly embrace the stringent philosophy of complete detachment that he quoted so often.

Yet ever since that fateful day when he had found and freed a filthy, imprisoned urchin who wore a golden diadem on his head, he had tossed aside his ability to truly care for no one but himself. Adding three more souls to his burdens had never been his intention, but over the past few days he realized that he had all the same.

Flicking a gaze upwards as if he could see within the interior of the inn from where he stood, Sanzo muttered with ill-concealed concern and possibly a tiny, almost imperceptible hint of sympathy, "Don't fuck this up, asshole. I've already seen enough of your tears for one lifetime, Sha Gojyo."

*****

As he slowly traversed the hallway that lead to the room where Hakkai awaited him, Gojyo heard a familiar set of voices having an unexpected conversation and decided to pause and listen for a moment.

"But would not a regular pair of eyeglasses be more practical?" Hakkai was asking quizzically.

"Maybe," Goku replied and Gojyo could imagine his casual shrug accompanying the remark. "But you've always worn a monocle sorta like that one since Sanzo first took you to talk to the Floating Heads. So I kinda assumed you'd want a replacement as much like it as I could get."

There was a rustling noise as Hakkai sat up in bed a little more and then Goku added, "Here, look in this mirror. You'll see. That monocle makes you look really cool, Hakkai."

"Kyu!" An enthusiastic dragon agreed and Gojyo couldn't help smiling.

After a brief lull in the conversation, Hakkai commented without conviction, "Well, it is certainly outside the norm. Perhaps if I was as interested in impressing people as some *others* are, this would indeed be my first choice for eyewear."

There was an almost painful implication in that remark about those who were more concerned about others' opinions of them then they themselves were, but Gojyo tried to convince himself that hadn't been in reference to himself.

"Aw, come on!" Goku would not be denied. "You look wicked cool that way, Hakkai! Even better than a pirate! Take my word for it! Besides, Hakuryu here likes it, don't you, Hakuryu?"

"Kyu!" The little dragon agreed yet again and this invoked a soft, familiar chuckle that a former playboy had ached to hear.

"In that case, Goku," Hakkai commented with a smile that Gojyo could hear, "I shall be glad to wear this. After all, I was becoming more than a little annoyed with being unable to see very well with my right eye and this improves that situation immeasurably."

"Terrific!" Goku enthused. He then changed the subject drastically by asking, "So, Hakuryu, want to come with me to see how the new buildings over in the marketplace are coming? You can stretch your wings some and I can get that batch of barbecued pork buns one of the cooks whose place we're fixing promised me."

The soft noise that followed this wasn't one Gojyo could identify at first. But then a soft keening sound was followed by the flap of leathery wings and he knew Hakuryu had moved from its usual spot on Hakkai's bed over to Goku's arms or shoulder.

"Have fun," Hakkai said with that gentle, affectionate tone that Gojyo desperately missed when the brunette spoke to him directly.

"We will!" Goku assured then stepped out of the open door and practically ran into Gojyo whom he greeted by asking quietly, "What're you doing just hanging around out here, kappa?"

With a tiny kyu of welcome, Hakuryu lifted into the air and dropped itself onto Gojyo's shoulder where it took the opportunity to rub its snowy head against his chin and make soft, comforting noises since it was acutely aware of how difficult things had been for him lately.

In the course of its time with Hakkai and Gojyo, sharing their apartment and almost every aspect of their lives, Hakuryu had watched over the couple in good times and in bad.

However, nothing it had been witness to previously could match with this horrible situation and it hated being forced to simply watch as Gojyo continued to fall apart due to the estrangement from his soulmate. The ancient spirit within the dragon had recognized the eternal bond the two youkai shared even before they did and to see it trapped beneath layers of injury and amnesia-induced ignorance was incredibly frustrating.

If there had been anything it could have done to help them the way that it had in the past by doing everything from pulling down covers on a bed to finding the perfect trysting spot for a rainy autumn day, Hakuryu would have done it in a heartbeat. Sadly, there was nothing it could do at this point other than to keen softly and nuzzle Gojyo encouragingly as he carried them both out of earshot with Goku following automatically.

Once certain that their injured comrade couldn't overhear them, Gojyo replied quietly, "I wanted to talk to Hakkai privately for a bit, Goku." Looking past the boy at the rectangle of pale yellow sunlight spilling out of the doorway onto the floor of the hall, he added worriedly, "How's he holding up?"

Following Gojyo's line of sight, Goku glanced over his shoulder for a moment and then replied thoughtfully, "Better, I think. One of those doctors came by to say that he was going back to the city and before he left town he wanted to give the okay for Hakkai to wear a lot less bandages." Trying to bring a smile to his miserable friend, he added playfully, "He doesn't look like a mummy anymore."

Failing to see the humor or even the possible insult in the remark, Gojyo just nodded and then asked, "So, is he dressed again? That might make what I need to say to him a little easier."

A frown furrowed Goku's brow for a moment as he tried to figure out what that cryptic statement meant. Being unable to puzzle out the meaning of the half-breed's words, he gave up and simply shrugged as he confirmed, "Yeah. I helped him get a shirt and some sweatpants." Lightly stroking Hakuryu's neck as the dragon returned to him, he added, "I'm already late to get my meat buns, though, so we're going to head out. Need anything when I come back?"

Sighing and trying to rebuild his earlier resolve, Gojyo looked once more at the patch of brightness emanating from the room where someone he loved who couldn't remember ever returning his affection was and answered, "What I need…" he unwittingly sighed, then concluded, "you can't give me, Goku."

Shaking his head, Goku gave up entirely and said simply, "Then go see the guy who *can* give you that, kappa!" He was surprised to see startled red eyes slide back towards him and then he added in an unusually serious tone, "Good luck, Gojyo. You might need it."

"Goku…?" Gojyo started to ask just what, exactly, the youth meant by that, but decided to settle that later and merely said, "Never mind. I need to go talk to Hakkai before I chicken out." He patted the boy on the arm and then made himself walk the short distance separating him from the only person who had made life worth living for the last three years.

Heaving a sigh, Goku decided to put some distance between himself and the other two youkai.

He hoped they would be able to work things out since he had become quite happy with the surrogate family that they had constructed as they drove ever westward on their quest. Yet he was wise enough to know it wasn't something he could do anything about at this point.

His internal digression was interrupted by a soft, mournful, "Kyu."

Shifting amber-gold eyes over to meet garnet-hued ones, Goku sighed again and then took them both away from whatever was about to occur.

*****

Peering past the doorframe nervously, Gojyo got his first look at Hakkai now that the amount of bandages encasing his wounds had been significantly lessened.

Propped against a mound of pillows, the other youkai was looking out the window and didn't see him, yet it was a definite relief to Gojyo to see fewer signs of weakness and infirmity blanketing his beloved partner's body. There were still heavy bindings on both hands as well as on the severe injury to Hakkai's right cheek and forehead, but the ones on his torso currently disguised by a well loved, long-sleeved tee-shirt appeared to be less. The return of the monocle helped a great deal, too, and Gojyo couldn't help smiling as he noted the highlights in soft hair the color of bittersweet chocolate gleaming in the sunshine.

Based on appearance alone, this was *his* Hakkai once more and the half-breed very nearly prayed to deities whose existence he rarely considered that for once appearances would not be as deceiving as they often were.

As if sensing that he was not alone, Hakkai turned his head and the gentle, familiar smile that had lingered after Goku and Hakuryu's departure melted away like snow on a warm spring morning. Gazing straight at Gojyo with dispassionate emerald eyes, he remarked almost without emotion, "Oh, it's you."

Swallowing thickly since that unenthusiastic greeting could not possibly be a good sign, Gojyo nodded then stepped into the room before saying, "Um, yeah, it's just me, Hakkai." Approaching the chair that Goku had occupied mere moments prior, he explained, "Sanzo said you were willing to talk with me. Is that still okay with you?"

Nodding firmly and somehow radiating an air of seriousness usually reserved for battle or for confrontations with Sanzo on the rare occasion that Hakkai let himself chew out the priest for being cruel to his traveling companions, the human-turned-youkai replied, "We might as well. We need to clear the air between us, Gojyo, do we not?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say it that way," Gojyo agreed and perched gingerly on the chair as he added, "but it kinda hurts to hear it put in those exact words."

"Oh?" Hakkai replied with a carefully neutral expression on his badly wounded face. "Are there other words you would prefer to hear?"

Gojyo very much wanted to say that, yes, there were three special words he'd happily die to hear, but he bit that back and replied instead, "Maybe, but for now, I'll just change the subject and ask, how are you feeling? Any better now that some of the bandages are off?"

Accepting the shift gracefully, Hakkai lifted his right arm and watched as he flexed it at the elbow, something he'd had profound difficulty with previously. He still winced as a flash of pain lanced through him due to a nasty tear across his triceps that was now securely sutured closed, yet there was satisfaction in verdant eyes as he glanced back at Gojyo and assured, "Yes. I am getting a little flexibility back and it is a pleasure to not be quite as exposed as I was in only bandages."

That comment reminded Gojyo of how very modest his cherished roommate had been during their three wonderful pre-journey years together. Yet before he could even smile slightly due to the sweet recollection, Hakkai destroyed his happiness yet again.

Plucking an invisible thread from the unusual black shirt that he wore, the brunette added, "But why on earth anyone would want an unstylish garment like this is beyond me. I wonder why I would even own something like this in the first place."

Clearing his throat nervously, Gojyo admitted, "Um, actually, Hakkai, that's *my* favorite tee-shirt and not one of yours. I've had it for ages and you used to wear it all the time whenever you didn't feel so hot. I guess that's why Goku gave it to you to wear when the doctor was done?" The questioning tone in his sentence was intended to express the fact that he'd had nothing to do with the decision and he hoped that Hakkai wouldn't assume that he had orchestrated the selection manipulatively.

Expression once more carefully neutral, Hakkai gazed placidly back at Gojyo for a moment, then remarked, "Perhaps. I did leave the choice up to him, after all." When the other man sighed with relief, he let some of the earlier firmness return to his expression as he asked, "So, where shall we begin? I meant what I said about clearing the air."

Suddenly and understandably nervous, Gojyo held his breath for a moment, then let it out slowly in an effort to calm himself before he asked, "Have you remembered anything about you and me yet? Anything at all?"

Thoughtful green eyes drifted to the ceiling as Hakkai gave this obviously important question appropriate consideration and then they came back to lock with ruby-colored ones as he said flatly, "No. Nothing at all."

Clearly disappointed, Gojyo's shoulders slumped and he replied, "Damn. I was afraid of that." He scratched the back of his head and then had an idea. Pulling out his prized, silver-gilt cigarette lighter which he then handed to Hakkai, he asked, "Maybe this will help. Do you recognize it?"

Turning the small thing over in his bandaged hand and gazing first at the calligraphic rendering of Gojyo's name and then at the death's head that eerily echoed the design on the sleeve of the shirt he was wearing, Hakkai made an earnest attempt to recall it. When that met with failure as all such efforts had in the last two difficult days, he shook his head and returned it saying, "No, I am afraid that I no more recognize that than I have anything else from my past. Why? Is it significant?"

Pocketing the lighter with a heavy heart, Gojyo replied, "Hell yeah, it's 'significant'. You gave it--and something even better than it, for that matter--to me for my birthday this year. That was just a little over two weeks ago, so I kinda dared to hope that it might jog your memory."

"Ah, it was a gift from an important friend?" Hakkai asked even though it was more of a statement than a question. "Then I truly am sorry to not recall it."

"Same here," Gojyo agreed with a miserable sigh. Deciding it was time to take the proverbial bull by the horns and confront the greater issue that he had been dancing around, he leaned over, letting his hands rest lightly on his knees as he said quietly, "But we're not just 'friends', 'Kai."

Frowning a little, Hakkai interjected, "Why is it that you are the only one who calls me that, Gojyo? I have noticed that you and the others are rather particular about how you address one another. You have each got various nicknames and insults that you trade as easily as others do compliments, yet you alone refer to me as ''Kai'. Why is that?"

Gojyo felt his heart tightening briefly and he wanted to scream in reply, yet forced himself to say calmly, "I started calling you that a long time ago. It's kinda like a pet name and I used to always be really careful to only use it when we were alone. I guess all the stress of the past week or so made me get sloppy." With a shrug, he slouched back in his seat and added, "The others don't use it because they know it's special. Just like you are."

Casting his gaze pointedly away from the clearly unhappy redhead as he nodded to indicate his understanding if not endorsement of the nickname, Hakkai inquired, "So, do you wish to clarify all of these roundabout implications that we are not ordinary 'friends,' or not? I dislike the air of mystery and innuendo clinging to your words at the moment."

Feeling defeated before he had even began the most important fight of his life, Gojyo leaned forward once more and wished he had the guts to force Hakkai to turn back and look him square in the eye again. His fingers itched to lightly grasp the strong chin currently averted from him, but before he could give in to the compulsion, the brunette turned towards him once more and pierced him with a stern look that would brook no more delays.

"All right, fine, then, have it your way, *Hakkai*," he carefully enunciated the name in full and then boldly pushed the truth past his lips as he asserted, "You and I are a damned sight more than 'friends'! We are *lovers* and have been for quite awhile!"

The expression of disbelief on Hakkai's face was complete and unhidden as he replied quietly, "You *must* be joking."

Shaking his head, Gojyo replied, "Not one bit. Hell, we're even--what did Tonpu call it once? oh, yeah--'exclusive', if that makes any difference to you."

Snorting in derision and sounding too much like Sanzo for Gojyo's comfort, Hakkai commented acidly, "You make us sound as if we are married." The realization that the other man could have meant just that struck him and then he added less confidently, "But we are not so joined, though… are we? Is that not illegal for same-gender couples?"

Rising to his feet and going to get the ashtray from the table since he suddenly needed a cigarette very, very badly, Gojyo answered in reverse order, "Yes, it's illegal for two guys to get married officially, but it still happens for all intents and purposes in other ways. And, no, we're not. Married, I mean."

Deliberately facing away from the bedridden man, the half-breed lit a hi-lite and took a needy drag on it before adding unhappily, "But it might've been nice… once upon a time. A house, a cat to play with the dragon, and an adopted kid or two might've been something nice to share when we were older and were done being footloose gypsies, I guess…"

The sound of fabric shifting caught his attention and he fervently hoped that Hakkai wasn't going to do something infinitely foolish like try to attack him since he wasn't capable of getting out of bed unassisted yet.

But when Gojyo turned to face him once more, there was nothing more sinister going on than a bandaged hand clutching the sheet angrily as Hakkai repeated, "You have *got* to be either insisting on a joke that is in very poor taste or are insane." Pressing his free hand to his chest, he added, "I may not remember my life before two days ago, but I do know one thing about myself. I am most assuredly *not* gay! There is no *way* that I would be involved sexually with a man. I am *quite* certain of it."

Flopping bonelessly back down in the chair and balancing the ashtray on his leg, Gojyo commented tiredly, "Then you'd be dead wrong… in one regard at least."

Gojyo took another pull on his cigarette, then remarked, "You've been 'involved sexually' with me for well over a year, but you're right about you not being gay. By my own definitions, I'm not either when it comes right down to it. Hell, a pretty little curvaceous thing in a skirt can make my pulse race, so maybe I'm barely bi or something. But you and me together kinda transcend the whole gay-not-gay thing."

Wishing he could cross his arms over his chest in a gesture of self-protection, Hakkai demanded, "If we are not both homosexuals on at least some level, then why in the world would we have sex together, Sha? That is a patently ludicrous as well as self-contradictory statement."

Wincing as he was addressed by a surname that had rarely left Hakkai's lips in anger in the past, Gojyo bit back a desire to reply in kind by calling the other man "Cho" and decided instead to try to explain their unique relationship as patiently as he could. "Look, I know this sounds a little whacked, but when I first found you bleeding to death in the forest--"

Noting the expression of disbelief on Hakkai's face, he interrupted himself and added, "That's a long story, I'll tell ya later if you really want to hear it, but anyway, when we first met, I knew right away that there was something special about you. Something different that called to me the way no woman ever had. You, apparently, felt the same way, but you never made a big deal over it, never tried to make me stop chasing chicks or going out to get laid."

With an unwitting sigh, Gojyo continued, "I didn't realize what it was at first, that 'something special' we share, that took a long time and a lot of mistakes on my part. But eventually we both stopped fighting it and kinda hooked-up, as the kids say."

Relieved that the other man was letting him say his peace in full, Gojyo ignored the smoldering cigarette that dangled between his fingers as he gestured while continuing. "After awhile, kissing led to petting which then led to having sex in other ways, and even though it took us until September of this year to get it right, eventually we made love in the classic sense of the word. I just wish you could remember it." With a sad sigh, he finally took one last drag on his hi-lite, then ground it out in the ashtray.

Hakkai was oddly quiet as Gojyo's torrent of confession ended. Before the silence could stretch uncomfortably thin between them, he finally asked in a quiet voice, "And was it good between us? This sex life you remember so vividly and that still sounds like an impossibility to me."

A wistful smile crossed Gojyo's lips as he assured, "Oh, hell yeah, baby. It was better than 'good'. It was freaking spectacular. Just a couple of weeks ago--on my birthday, no less--you showed me for the first time how great it was to not be the one on top, so to speak. We were perfect together."

Face flushing and then draining as he tried to picture two men having intercourse together, Hakkai asked in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that ordinarily *you* were the one in charge between us? Now I truly can not accept this as fact. I do *not* think that I would wish to entrust myself to you so fully, Sha Gojyo!"

"Why not?" Gojyo replied with sadness since he felt his world crumbling around him. Recalling something that might help, he said, "Even though you feel that way now, it was actually you who said the magic words first between us. I was too chicken-shit to do it, so you did take the lead on that."

"'Magic words'?" Hakkai parroted back in bafflement.

Nodding, Gojyo said, "You know, the infamous three words everybody on the planet wants to hear? When you told me that you loved me back in September, well, I just about thought I'd died and gone to heaven." Silently, he added a wish that had been the literal outcome of their glorious merger in a sunlit glade. It would have been easier to have died happily sated and confident of their shared devotion than to have to endure what he was faced with now.

Completely shocked, Hakkai shook his head firmly and stated, "Well, perhaps that had been the case previously, but I assure you that is no longer true." As the stinging rejection sank into Gojyo's miserable awareness, he noted something that he felt was indicative of more than it actually was. With a firm frown, he added, "If what we had had between us was as intense as you claim, I can not imagine why my body has failed to react to your provocative words."

Well aware of the tightness in his own groin after thinking about their loving, sensual past and finding Hakkai's failure to experience the same was the final blow.

After dragging himself unsteadily to his feet, Gojyo dropped the ashtray onto the table, then replied, "Ya know, maybe it's just that you were almost killed a few days ago and you're just not in good enough shape to get turned on. Or maybe it's that I've lost my charm. Or whatever."

Head hanging down as he shoved his hands into his pockets, Gojyo added sadly, "Look, Hakkai, I'm real sorry about all of this. If you don't love me anymore and certainly don't *want* me, then I'll get the hell out of your way, all right? There's some other stuff we need to straighten out about Sanzo, the others, and all of that, but for now, I'm just going to go the fuck away."

Refusing to look at the person whose fondest dreams he had just thoroughly annihilated, Hakkai commented as gently as he could, "I am sorry, too, Gojyo, but that would undoubtedly be for the best. Perhaps now that you have told me these things, I can reflect upon them and maybe even recall something of our old life together finally."

"Don't strain yourself trying, man. I think that whatever we once had got burnt up in that fire like a lot of other shit did, too," Gojyo said with a sigh and then left the room behind fully intending not to return unless he was forced to. He just couldn't face Hakkai again, not after making a complete fool of himself.

Alone once more, Hakkai merely sat on his bed and tried to make sense of what had just transpired.

Without even being aware that he was doing it, he soon found himself staring at his swathed palms as if there should be an answer there if he only knew how to search for it. Unfortunately, due to the amnesia, he saw nothing but white bandages. No faint phantom bloodstains arose in his mind's eye, neither did the recollection of a thick, black marker line placed there recently when Goku tried to make him feel better about his short lifeline.

Eventually, the lack of answers to the mystery regarding the truth about his relationship with the redhead drove him to drop his hands back down onto the bedcovers. Staring out the window instead, Hakkai let his thoughts go blank hoping that might help where conscious effort had failed.

The attempt would, of course, meet with failure, something he was growing increasingly frustrated by as the blankness of his past darkened the hopes for the future that not only he himself might have but also the other four souls he was eternally linked with.

Things had rarely looked quite so utterly bleak for the Sanzo-ikkou as they did on that particular afternoon.

*****

To be continued.