Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Shattering ❯ Falling Apart ( Chapter 4 )

Many thanks to those of you who are so kindly leaving supportive comments for this story here at MM.org!

I am especially pleased to have heard from SG whose delightful comments made me smile since I had no idea that I had any French readers. Special thanks also go to StormAZ whose review of the entire arc was a wonderful source of reassurance that I was achieving my goal to entertain thoughtful and knowledgeable readers.

~E~

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Title: Shattering [chapter 4/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc"

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai)

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers.

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

Trudging down the hallway and stairs without ever looking up, Gojyo dejectedly made his way towards the ruddy rays of the setting sun that were shining through the entryway of the inn. As he stepped onto the porch, he heard, "So? That bad, huh, baka?"

Glancing at Sanzo who had been waiting there the entire time he had been speaking with Hakkai in case things went totally awry, Gojyo nodded and muttered, "Worse than that."

"Shit," the priest grumbled even though it wasn't Gojyo with whom he was angry. Neither was he upset with Hakkai who could no more cure his own amnesia than he could the injuries afflicting his body. Rather, Sanzo was angry at the forces that ruthlessly shoved them all from one disaster to another like pieces on a chessboard, heedless of the resultant personal suffering.

"Yeah," Gojyo replied with a gloomy nod. Adding a completely devastated sigh, the heartbroken half-breed corrected, "Major shit."

Sanzo grumbled something truly foul under his breath, then pointed out, "I told you it would've been better to leave the whole matter the hell alone!" Biting back the fury that he felt towards the forces beyond his control, he asked, "So, what's next then, fool?"

Letting his head listlessly loll to one side for a moment and not disagreeing with Sanzo's pejorative, Gojyo inhaled deeply then replied, "What's next is that I go find myself a great big bottle of booze and crawl into it." With a hopeless grimace, he added, "Then, if I'm real damned lucky, I hope to die of alcohol poisoning."

Expressive violet eyes rolled skywards as Sanzo snorted angrily. But then he reached into a deep sleeve-pocket and produced something other than the paper fan that Gojyo fully expected to feel slammed into the side of his head.

Extending his hand, Sanzo said gruffly, "Here, idiot, take this. You'll need it."

"Huh?" Gojyo replied and reached out to accept whatever the priest intended to give him. He was surprised when he felt the cool touch of metal and heard the quiet crinkle of paper as money changed hands. Peering into his palm in confusion, he asked, "Why so much?"

Reaching for his Marlboros and acting as if he couldn't care less, Sanzo explained, "If you're going to be stupid enough to go get yourself shit-faced, at least do it with something decent. The hangover won't be as hellish that way."

"Really?" The reply was an automatic one since Gojyo was already sinking into a state of depression because of the horrible and seemingly irrevocable loss of what he and Hakkai had once shared.

"Yeah, really," Sanzo snapped waspishly. After placing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it unmindfully, he growled, "Now get that pathetic, hangdog expression of yours out of my sight, asshole."

With a barely perceptible nod of a drooping head, Gojyo acknowledged the command and then walked away, hands still buried in his pockets miserably.

He had only traversed a few meters before he paused and stated as if only to the air around him, "Well, this makes the third time I've been dumped by somebody with a pretty face. And *two* of those times were by the same guy. I'm so utterly and totally fucked now."

There was no response from the man behind him since Sanzo could not disagree in the least.

Gojyo's shoulders were slumped as he wandered away from the inn heading nowhere in particular since he had no idea where to go to get the mind numbing liquor he suddenly craved. His only firsthand knowledge of the town had been gained on the tragic day of their arrival. Regardless of that, though, he was certain that as the setting sun grew redder and seemingly larger, taverns or other appropriate places to find strong drink would come alive and they would draw him to themselves.

Smoking his Marlboro as he watched the retreating figure which seemed to radiate defeat, Sanzo let the simmering rage slip away from him much as the hazy smoke from his lips dissipated into the afternoon air.

Now that the concerns which he had brought up while speaking with Gojyo earlier that day had been confirmed, Sanzo began to actively contemplate whether or not he really could abandon the holy crusade he'd been assigned. Allowing wholesale genocide by a reawakened youkai king didn't appeal to him in the least, though, and that made the decision for him.

Recommitted to the ultimate goal of the journey, Sanzo contemplated how to deal with the challenging mission now that the group's circumstances had changed so drastically. Without Hakkai's unique skills as both a healer and a fighter, it truly would be far more difficult to achieve their objectives than it would have been with them. At least the former teacher would presumably make a new life for himself and that was one less burden for the monk to bear.

Gojyo, however, was another case entirely.

Sanzo felt confident now that unless he could offer Gojyo a place and a purpose, the destitute half-breed would most likely not live for much longer. Deliberate suicide was not probably the way it would end for the youkai, but unconscious negligence would most likely result in the same outcome.

A shattered heart rarely mends, something Sanzo was reminded of every time he recalled the gruesome sight of his master's mangled corpse.

Wondering what himself, Goku, and Gojyo might do for transportation if he chose to continue the journey without Hakkai and therefore without Hakuryu, Sanzo took another contemplative draw on his cigarette. Never once did his own mantra regarding detachment come to mind for if it had, he might have been forced to admit that he would prefer to save the redhead rather than let him pass out of this life.

It was important to note that there was not so much as a hint of an intention of trying to replace Hakkai in Gojyo's heart or his bed, however.

Genjo Sanzo's ability to love--if indeed he had ever been capable of same--truly had been eradicated or at least forced into quiescence by Koumyou Sanzo's violent murder. As far as fulfilling his sexual needs was concerned, the aloof priest preferred the commitment-free company of fellow Buddhist monks. They shared his belief that the needs of the body should have as little to do with the needs of the heart and/or the soul as possible. Otherwise, tragedies much as he had just witnessed would continue to ruin the lives of those pledged to higher purposes.

Hence, the best Sanzo could offer to the downtrodden half-breed whenever Gojyo was rational enough to listen again was a place at his side as a warrior and a purpose as one of the few attempting to save the human race. Even though he was unaware of it, these would probably seem like pallid replacements for the soul-deep bond that had been torn asunder, but they were better than nothing.

Having made the decision to continue the journey minus two of its original members if nothing changed, Sanzo carelessly flicked the spent butt of his cigarette away. Without realizing it, he had very nearly flung it straight into the face of an immortal youth who wasn't paying attention to his surroundings as he returned to their temporary home.

"Kyu!" Hakuryu complained bitterly when the glowing bit of filter and tobacco passed far too close to itself where it nestled in Goku's arms.

Not one to apologize to humans under most circumstances, Sanzo certainly wasn't about to do the same to a dragon, so he turned the tables and chastised his ward, "Watch where the hell you're going, bakasaru!" A single thwack of a paper fan that then vanished once more accompanied the warning.

"Huh?" Goku replied and then semi-smiled as he rubbed his head absentmindedly while adding, "Um, sorry, Sanzo. I was a little distracted."

Snorting in disgust since this minor incident proved the point that he had tried to get across to Gojyo regarding making mistakes when one's mind wasn't on one's task, Sanzo commented archly, "I figured that much out on my own already, baka." With a huff, he asked, "Do I even *want* to know what's on your mind?"

Goku stood in the street and peered up at his guardian as he ignored the blond man's typical foul mood and said, "Well, I was thinking about the fact that it's the twenty-fifth already. Since your birthday is just four days from now, is there anything you might want for it?"

With an honest sigh of frustration, Sanzo replied simply, "Normalcy." Glancing over his shoulder at the entrance to the inn that led to the amnesiac who had thrown their lives into chaos through no fault of his own, he added, "I just want some goddamned *normalcy* again."

Totally lost, Goku rubbed Hakuryu's injured wing which was slowly improving and admitted, "What is that supposed to mean, Sanzo?"

Huffing to himself, Sanzo answered, "Don't worry about it, Goku." Stepping off the porch and then proceeding to walk away from the inn, he said, "I need some beer and a change of scenery. Let's go get something to eat."

Falling into step behind the robe-clad figure, Goku didn't need to mention the fact that the meat buns he'd had a little bit earlier hadn't filled his eternally empty belly, but he did feel obligated to ask, "Shouldn't I take Hakuryu up to Hakkai first, Sanzo?"

"No," Sanzo replied flatly and continued on his way without hesitation.

Goku frowned and asked, "Why not?"

Looking behind himself for a moment and seeing a pair of garnet eyes giving him an unsettling gaze in return, Sanzo scowled and stated, "Considering what just happened back there, I think Hakuryu might be more than a little pissed at Hakkai at the moment."

Usually happy face falling into an expression of disappointment as the dragon in his arms keened miserably, Goku inquired, "That means Hakkai and Gojyo couldn't figure out how to be best friends again, right? That sucks."

"For Gojyo," Sanzo replied thoughtfully despite his ire regarding the entire situation, "it's a helluva lot worse than that, saru." He refocused his gaze on the street ahead of them as he stated, "But try not to worry over it. Neither of us can do a damned thing about it at this point."

"If you say so, Sanzo," Goku reluctantly agreed.

"Kyu? Kyu?" Hakuryu inquired first of the boy carrying him and then of the man who led them farther and farther away from one of its dearest friends.

With a shake of his head, Sanzo replied for them both and said, "No, Hakuryu, finding Gojyo right now would be a bad idea. That poor bastard's got to cope with this by himself for awhile."

Nodding with a mournful kyu of acceptance and then burying its face in Goku's tunic, Hakuryu tried diligently not to imagine how badly things must have gone for the two souls it had been so pleased to have seen reunited. Deep within itself, the spirit of a draconic military commander was wise enough to begin wondering if all of this signaled an impending return to the nebulous void beyond life for another half-millennium, but the present awareness truly didn't wish to consider it.

The unusual trio of beings allowed silence to fall over them as they went in search of not only food and drink, but also a respite from the darkness that had fallen over them all. At the rate things were going, the Sanzo-ikkou was going to be irrevocably altered for the worse before they left this small town and none of them wanted to face that any sooner than they absolutely had to.

*****

As the priest, boy, and dragon walked away from the inn, two troubled eyes watched them from a second story window with a mixture of emotions in their emerald depths.

"So," Hakkai commented to himself quietly, "they have all chosen to leave me here alone for a time. Even Hakuryu and Goku prefer to be elsewhere. I wonder if I should take this willful abandonment as an act of condemnation or simply one of convenience?"

There was no answer from the empty room, of course, neither did he expect one. It was simply easier at times to think out loud and he really did want to try to jog his memory if he could. With a small sigh, he reflected upon the fact that as he had watched Gojyo leaving earlier, the half-breed's dejected body language had spoken volumes.

Having seen that as well as upon further contemplation of Gojyo's impassioned words, Hakkai no longer doubted that the redhead had been sincere about the intense relationship that he had described in such crude yet informative detail. However, the former teacher was unable to comprehend how someone like himself, a man who had no easily identifiable inherent sexual cravings for members of his own gender, had been seduced into becoming lovers with Gojyo.

There was an air of indescribable tragedy to Hakkai's loss of the sweet memories of how he and the man who truly was his eternal soulmate had become far closer than most lovers could ever claim to be.

Gone were the recollections of the very first time he had awoken to find the handsome face of a man he had never seen before peering down at him with a relieved smile painted on its expressive features. Lost as well were memories of the days, weeks, and months of fond acquaintance that had allowed them to traverse the often dangerous path that allowed two strangers to become the best of friends and then much more. There were no longer the tender recollections of intimate moments which always resolved themselves fully only after the well endowed half-breed had assured his partner's pleasure prior to taking his own.

Saddest of all was the fact that Hakkai could no longer remember exchanging avowals of undying love with Gojyo even though they were unaware that such promises were quite literal between them.

When the currently unaware spirit dwelling within the amnesiac brunette had still been Tenpou, he had recognized Kenren as the partner he had unknowingly been missing fairly early in their relationship. The jaunty, occasionally reckless general still led the book-loving marshal on a merry chase at times both personally and professionally, yet he would never have disagreed that they were meant to be together long before they'd met. Granted, it had taken an afternoon of intimate reassurances following a brutal act for the two celestials to be able to put the love they felt for one another into so many words, but they'd not doubted its presence previously.

The true reason why it was hard for the bonded souls to speak of love regardless of their incarnations was something lost in the annals of time, yet each pairing had eventually done so. The fact that Hakkai could not remember this was dreadfully sad.

Utterly unaware of all of this, Hakkai pondered, "What could have possibly drawn us together? We seem so terribly dissimilar."

What Hakkai did not and could not realize because of his amnesia as well as his injuries was the eternal bond his soul had with the one dwelling within Gojyo's body.

Hence, he could not even begin to understand that their genders were no more relevant to their need for one another than the color of their eyes or even that of their skin would have been. Whenever both spirits were born into the world at the same time, they would seek each other out instinctually. Whether they were born as a man and a woman, two men, or even two women, they would have been drawn to one another by a force more irresistible than gravitation.

As it was, however, Hakkai could not acknowledge or obey that intrinsic need for Gojyo, therefore it was understandable that the half-breed's desires for and feelings towards him were completely off-putting. The brunette, confused and somewhat frightened, had retreated from his partner, seeking protection within a far colder shell than those around him knew he was capable of projecting.

Turning away from the window since the reddening light of sunset was reminding him too much of a pair of eyes that had been filled with sorrow when he had seen them last, Hakkai winced as he realized he had been leaning against his injured back for far too long.

Most of the numerous gashes that had accounted for the severe bleeding Gojyo had found so disturbing after the shrapnel from the exploding food stand had torn his lover's body so horribly had been sutured closed, something that was notoriously uncomfortable. They were also apt to leave scars that would haunt Hakkai for the rest of his life much as the one on his abdomen did. There was the distant chance that the lines crisscrossing his back, arms, and legs might not leave too much of a reminder of that catastrophic day, but only time would tell.

Of greater concern to Hakkai was the damage done to the right side of his face.

Virtually all of the rest of any lingering traces of his injuries could be concealed by clothing, but the ravaged cheek would be there for all the world to see. Even though he was certainly not a vain man, he knew disfigurement in such a prominent part of the body would inevitably bring him unwanted attention. The physician who had tended the wound initially had done his level best, though, and thanks to his efforts as well as what could only be described as simple good fortune, Hakkai would eventually have an unmarred complexion once more.

The twin impact injuries on his head caused first by the stone which had destroyed his headband and the one in back where Sanzo had struck him were of little concern at this point.

The line of tiny stitches closing the wound on his forehead was high in his lengthy bangs and was thereby concealed should a scar remain. Thanks to the priest's unerring aim and careful application of force, the injury at the base of his skull hadn't included an open wound, just some serious swelling and a minor concussion whose effects had already faded away.

The wounds on Hakkai's hands would also heal well eventually, but that had been fairly obvious from the beginning, so he didn't worry about them despite the fact that they were incredibly painful.

Moving cautiously in an attempt to become more comfortable and inadvertently making himself more miserable instead, Hakkai heaved a weary sigh and remarked, "Unless my memory returns, I assume I will never truly have all of the answers about not only Gojyo but so many other things as well. I crave the knowledge of my past that the others have, yet the only ones I am at ease when speaking with are Goku and Hakuryu and neither can tell me what I need to know most."

His eyes fell onto bandaged hands which rested impotently in his lap, as he contemplated this remark more fully. The reason he was unable to relax when his self-professed lover was in the room was obvious enough, but the fair-haired human was a different matter entirely.

Without sufficient time to become accustomed to Sanzo's often brusque mannerisms and the coldly indifferent façade that was usually firmly in place when he spoke with him, Hakkai had very little to find favor with. A feeling of friendship with the often abrasive sutra-bearer was something one needed time to acquire and, simply put, two days was not long enough to accomplish such a feat.

As he adjusted his sitting position fruitlessly yet again, Hakkai came to the disappointing realization that for all of his efforts to rekindle the flames of his memories, he had failed. They remained as far away and inaccessible as they had been since he had reawakened after being wounded and that left him doubly disheartened.

In an attempt to distract himself from his increasing unhappiness as well as the pain of his injuries, Hakkai remarked to himself, "If I can perhaps soothe some of the discomfort that I am feeling and possibly sleep for a time, maybe something will change?" Putting his plan into action, he reached towards a small dish of painkillers sitting on the table beside his bed.

In a demonstration of caring foresight, it had been Gojyo who had made sure that the tiny, white pills were not trapped inside a bottle with a safety cap that the injured man might not be able to open on his own.

Recalling this tidbit of information brought a frown to Hakkai's face and he wondered, "How often has he been forced into the role of caretaker for me if this level of thoughtfulness is so automatic?" He carefully picked up what his slightly numb fingertips told him was one pill yet was in reality two as he added miserably, "This lack of knowledge of my past is truly maddening."

Without further comment, Hakkai administered the powerful drugs by taking a quick sip on the straw in a glass of water that Goku had left for him and then lifting his hand to his lips and swallowing far too quickly to notice the excess medication. A second sip followed the first and then he wormed his way down into a reclining position on his least damaged side hoping that sleep would claim him quickly.

While adjusting the bedcovers so that he wasn't chilled as the air cooled during the onset of evening, Hakkai missed having Hakuryu do that for him as the precious little creature had a time of two in the course of events since he had regained consciousness. This led to a fleeting acknowledgement that having the dragon not rejoin him after he had spoken to Gojyo had hurt, yet that thought vanished when a yawn overtook him.

His eyelids grew heavy quickly and soon Hakkai was lost far more deeply than anticipated due to the unintentional doubling of the dosage of his pain medication.

Anyone who knew the pharmacology of what he'd taken would have predicted that a slender man such as himself who had taken as much as he had wouldn't be able to rouse for even the wildest of earthquakes. Then again, they could also have offered reassurances that the mild overdose held no long-term risks for him and that was a blessing.

The sky outside shifted from burgundy into an indigo gradient that in turn gave way to a darkest sapphire that held a glowing, gibbous autumn moon which generously illuminated all those beneath it. Stars twinkled brightly after shyly revealing themselves and the gorgeously clear firmament above the tiny village seemed to mock not only the slumbering amnesiac, but also all of those who traveled with him.

There seemed to be no hope left for a happy ending for the five eternally connected souls whose trials were taking a far greater toll than even Kanzeon bosatsu had ever intended. However, their future had not yet been determined and there remained an entire world of possible conclusions to this latest chapter in their lives.

*****

Sanzo needed quite a few beers plus a better than average meal to reclaim the equilibrium that had been thrown so badly off-kilter by the afternoon's events. As he leaned back in a chair and waited for the waitress to bring the Sanbutusin's debit card back along with his receipt, he asked, "So, Goku, think you and Hakuryu did enough damage to the kitchen staff tonight?"

Appreciating the rare display of the priest's odd sense of humor--something that neither Gojyo nor Hakkai saw very often--Goku beamed happily, patted his distended belly proudly, then replied, "We sure did, Sanzo!"

"Kyu!" The newly plump dragon offered its own vote of agreement, then added quizzically, "Kyu?"

Deciding it was better to enjoy a smoke than to merely sit and wait, Sanzo lit a Marlboro before replying, "Yes, worrywart, I'm sure the waitress will remember the take-out we ordered for Hakkai."

Smiling and nodding its head before snaking its long neck out to look at the exhausted girl approaching with the slip for Sanzo to sign, the dragon duly noted the containers of food for the bedridden man that they'd left without assistance possibly rather too long. Hakuryu might've been upset about what had happened to Gojyo, but it certainly didn't like the idea of Hakkai being left unattended as long as he had been. There were certain physical needs that could be delayed but not ignored forever, hence it was understandably concerned for its injured friend's health and comfort.

The lack of a similar order for Gojyo was easily explained by the fact that if he had been successful in his plan to get rolling drunk, then it was entirely likely that they might not see him again until the next day at the earliest.

Hakuryu tried diligently not to consider how much worse everything could get if the former lady's man reverted to type for a single night of womanizing due to impaired judgement. The load of guilt and self-hatred even a single kiss with anyone other than Hakkai would've placed squarely on the half-breed's shoulders at this point was almost too painful to imagine.

Quite glad to drop off the containers of food that she was carrying since it meant the three voracious diners were about to depart, the waitress smiled tiredly and said, "Here's your card and the receipt, sir. Just sign at the bottom, please." She put the to-go boxes near Goku with a slightly wary expression on her face.

Happily gathering the boxes to himself, Goku grinned and chirped, "Sankyuu!"

Charmed by the boyish smile in spite of her exhaustion, she chuckled wearily and replied, "You're welcome. How you've got room for more later is something I don't even want to think about."

"This isn't for me," Goku clarified, "it's for a friend of ours who was hurt in that nasty fire last week. He can't get up and go anywhere yet, so we're bringing him dinner."

The girl's expression fell somewhat as she offered, "I am *so* sorry. I had no idea."

"Why should you have?" Sanzo asked disinterestedly as he rose to his feet. After handing her the slip which now included a tip that was moderately more generous than he usually was since she'd been quite conscientious about keeping his mug of beer filled throughout the meal, he turned towards his companions and commanded, "Let's go."

After scooping Hakuryu up into one arm and the take-out boxes in the other, Goku said, "Sure thing, Sanzo!" To the waitress, he added, "Thanks again for everything, miss."

"Kyu!" Hakuryu offered its own thanks.

The girl bowed slightly and simply said, "Have a nice evening." With a sigh, she then went about the not inconsequential task of cleaning up the monumental stack of dirty dishes left behind by the boy and the dragon.

Once they were under the starry, moonlit sky and making their way back to the inn, the trio spoke about things of little consequence since the harsh reality of their current situation would be thrust back upon them once they returned to Hakkai. No effort whatsoever was made to go in search of Gojyo since it would be best if he returned at his own pace and of his own freewill.

As the welcoming lanterns on either side of the inn's door came into view, so too did a forlorn figure draped haphazardly across the porch railing like a forgotten, life-sized doll whose owner had carelessly discarded it there.

With his head hanging down and letting lengthy hair dyed vermilion by the false sunshine of the lamps drift from side to side, Gojyo was quietly singing an old ballad filled with lamentations about losses of both the heart and soul. One of his hands waved blindly above his head as if he were conducting an accompanying orchestra and the other held the sad corpse of a cigarette gone to ash without a single puff being taken from it. Near his booted feet rested a large, greenish-amber jug that was half-full of a mysterious liquid, yet had no label identifying it.

"Oh, this is just fucking great," Sanzo grumbled even though he was rather relieved that they now knew Gojyo hadn't lost his mind enough to be off in a bordello somewhere. Hakuryu wasn't the only one worried that the half-breed might allow the wrong portion of his anatomy to make his decisions as emotionally unbalanced as he was.

Tiny eyes of a solid, sparkling red saddened and Hakuryu remarked quietly, "Kyu."

Goku gazed at his obviously besotted friend for a moment, then said simply, "I'll take Hakuryu upstairs and drop off Hakkai's food, too, Sanzo. Then I'll be right back to help you get Gojyo inside."

"Thanks, Goku," the blond replied absentmindedly as the boy vanished into the inn. He then went up onto the porch and approached Gojyo while carefully making enough noise to be sure that he would hear him. Startling an intoxicated warrior who could manifest a deadly weapon at will was definitely a bad idea.

The creak of a board drew Gojyo's attention and his badly reddened eyes slipped sideways enough to note and identify the sandal-clad foot that had just come to rest nearby. Not lifting his head since he didn't want Sanzo to see that he had been indulging his need for a crying jag like the one he had experienced when he had been informed of Kiko's death, he sniffled once then returned to singing off-key.

With a small, only mildly miffed snort, Sanzo asked, "Mission accomplished, ne, asshole?"

Letting his dirge fade away, Gojyo slurred in return, "Yash, Zanzo, I got m'self good 'n plastered." Instead of hiccuping like most drunkards might, he sniffled again and added mournfully, "But it's not helpin' nothin'. I keep rememberin' that 'Kai hates me now."

Amethyst eyes rolled skywards as the priest heaved a huff of breath.

Then, in an act of kindness offered only because he was sure it would be forgotten by the time the half-breed awoke with the hangover of a lifetime, Sanzo placed a hand on Gojyo's back to steady him as he said, "He doesn't hate you, Gojyo. He just doesn't remember…" He stumbled verbally for a moment, then began the sentence over, saying, "He just doesn't remember whatever the hell you two had together, that's all."

For a moment or two, Sanzo thought perhaps Gojyo had fallen asleep since there was neither motion nor sound from him in reply other than ragged, miserable breathing.

But then a tear-stained face rose to peer blearily at him as Gojyo asked an inevitable question for which there was no answer. "D'ya think he's gonna ever 'member that later, Sanzo?"

"In all honesty, Gojyo, I wish I knew, but I don't," Sanzo's quiet reply was dreadfully out of character for him under normal circumstances, yet these were as far from "normal" as things got for the Sanzo-ikkou and exceptions to the rules were being made right, left, and center.

Letting his head flop back down too abruptly and moaning when it caused him pain, Gojyo commented, "Me, too." The sniffle that interrupted his words was soft and agonized before he moaned, "Wish I knew if 'Kai'd ever be 'Kai again at all…."

Shaking his head slowly, Sanzo answered, "You aren't the only one, kappa." Deciding to try to redirect the conversation towards a less somber topic, he used his foot to tap on the jug sitting nearby and asked, "What kind of rotgut did you find to drink yourself stupid with? I thought I'd given you enough cash for something decent, baka."

The lowered head turned a little and Gojyo stared at the bottle for a long moment before replying in increasingly difficult to understand speech, "I found sumthin' better 'n reg'lar booze. Dat's mead, the town's speshl'ty drink."

Curious in spite of himself, Sanzo hoisted the jug and took a swallow to see if it was any good or not as well as to try to assess whether it would be best to induce vomiting now or just let Gojyo sleep off the alcoholic contents of his stomach. To his surprise, the fermented honey and water blend rolled gently across his tongue, lightly caressing his taste buds before sliding warmly down his throat. The luscious aftertaste was delightful and the smoothness was incomparable.

"Amazing," the priest remarked before taking another swig, "this is better than just about anything I've had in awhile. I damned well hope you can remember where you got it once you're sober again, dimwit. I'd like to get more before we leave this pathetic excuse for a town someday soon."

There was no reply to this statement, just a quiet sniffle that seemed to be part snore instead.

Noting the change and feeling glad about it for the most part, Sanzo patted Gojyo's back only once to get his attention, then asked, "Falling asleep standing up, idiot?"

The quiet reply wasn't really necessary, but Sanzo actually almost smiled with relief when he heard a soft, tear-roughened voice say, "'m sleepy."

A quiet clatter of boots announced Goku's imminent return and Sanzo hastily pulled his hand from where it had rested for a few minutes and made sure to set the mead aside for retrieval later. Turning to glance at the boy, he asked, "What's wrong now, Goku? That frown of yours looks like more bad news and that does *not* make me happy."

"I think there's something new wrong with Hakkai, Sanzo," Goku replied worriedly. "When I went in the room to drop off Hakuryu, he didn't wake up even when Hakuryu tried to get him to. But he was breathing okay and everything, so maybe he was just really tired after all the stuff that happened today."

"Maybe," Sanzo agreed noncommittally, then suggested, "or maybe he took one of those pain pills the doctor left for him. Those made him quite drowsy yesterday, remember? Either way, come give me a hand with Gojyo. The maudlin fool's dozing off just standing here."

Deciding to let the concerns about the brunette fade away in favor of taking care of the redhead, Goku made a noise of agreement then ducked his head up from under one of Gojyo's arms before asking softly, "Hey, kappa, want some help getting up to bed?"

Confused wine-colored eyes dragged themselves open slowly, then Gojyo murmured in puzzlement, "G'ku?"

Laughing very quietly as he straightened and pulled the taller youkai up with him, the boy replied, "Yes, Gojyo, it's just me, Goku." Taking a firm grip on a flaccid, wrapped wrist to insure Gojyo wouldn't fall off en route, he urged again, "You need to go get some sleep now. You're tired, right?"

There was no reply other than a sleepy, drunken nod.

Sanzo slipped into position on Gojyo's opposite side and wordlessly helped carry him inside, up the stairs, and down to the room the five of them had been sharing. Once inside, they were greeted with a worried noise from the dragon nestled against Hakkai's side, but there wasn't time to deal with that yet. Gojyo was fast asleep now and hung across their shoulders like deadweight.

"where do we put him?" Goku whispered. Neither of the two sleepers could have heard him, but it was force of habit to speak in hushed tones when others were resting nearby.

Alternately disgusted and then sympathetic, Sanzo glanced at carefully made bedrolls tucked in a corner and then said in a normal tone of voice, "My bed. At least one of the doctors has left by now, so we ought to be able to get a second room for the two of us later."

"Okay," Goku agreed and helped dump Gojyo's limp form onto what had previously been Sanzo's bed. He then went about the task of removing Gojyo's heavy boots and setting them aside as well as getting one of the blankets from the floor to cover the already snoring half-breed.

If Goku had any inkling of the true nature of the relationship the two elder youkai had lost between them as a result of the amnesia, he might have questioned the wisdom of leaving them alone together, however he was blissfully ignorant of that fact. He knew Hakkai was angry with Gojyo for something, but that was about as far as his current knowledge base would take him. Therefore leaving them alone in the room together didn't strike him as a particularly bad idea.

Besides, if Goku had complained, he might have risked sharing a room with the inebriated sot and he knew that could have distinctly unpleasant results in the morning.

Despite an adulthood of fairly significant alcohol consumption, Gojyo was no less likely to be able to retain the contents of his stomach if he awoke with a severe hangover than most other people. For that matter, this was something Gonou had been witness to in years past and it certainly wasn't a pleasant way to start the day.

Compared to his ward, Sanzo actually had a quite different and somewhat unexpected view of what he assumed might occur when Hakkai awoke to find that he was no longer alone.

If only the amnesiac would take a moment to realize that Gojyo hadn't taken advantage of him while asleep--something Sanzo was absolutely certain would not occur regardless--perhaps he could start to see the other youkai less negatively. There was a faint hope that the quintet of travelers might find a new balance amongst themselves and be able to leave together as planned previously. If this might bring that possibility into being, the leader of the group would gladly take the risk.

Eventually, Gojyo was tucked into bed as well as he needed to be and Sanzo had taken the opportunity to check Hakkai's condition. All signs indicated that the recovering patient had indeed taken some of the powerful drugs sitting close to hand, therefore there was no reason to worry.

Dusting off his hands as if washing them of this entire nightmarish affair, Sanzo said, "Goku, let's go out again. It's barely after ten o'clock and I can't stand being cooped up so early."

"But what if Hakkai or Gojyo need us and we're gone, Sanzo?" Glancing from one slumbering form to the other, the boy added, "Won't that be a problem?"

"They're both down for the count, trust me on that," Sanzo sighed. As an inducement, he then added, "I thought I saw a place with some guy making fresh custard crepes when we were walking back here after dinner, saru. Would you like some of those for dessert?"

Before the boy whose eyes were now alight with interest could respond, a quietly hopeful voice inquired, "Kyu?"

"Sure, you can come, too, Hakuryu," Goku said and watched as the dragon gave its sleeping friend a gentle nuzzle before lifting into the air and making the short, awkward flight to Goku's shoulder. As strong yet careful talons dug into the strange shoulder pads that the snowy creature found there, he asked, "Are you sure you don't want to stay with Hakkai and Gojyo, though? I thought you were worried about them."

Swiveling its neck from side to side and taking in the sorrowful state of both of its housemates, Hakuryu keened quietly then indicated with a shrug of its wings that it couldn't really express what it was feeling.

"Just bring the dragon along, baka," Sanzo commanded, then led the way out of the room.

En route, Goku dutifully placed Hakkai's take-out into a refrigerator that the innkeeper's wife let them use and then the trio headed off into the chilly late evening air searching for distractions from their troubles.

Freshly made crepes filled with perfectly spiced, late autumn apples and only slightly sweet custard went surprisingly well with some of the mead Sanzo made sure to take with them. It was only a temporary respite from their woes, but it was better than staying at the inn and worrying over the inevitable.

*****

To be continued.