Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Apogee ❯ Chapter X ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not owned by me, it is owned by Maki Murakami. I own nothing.

Author's Note: Thanks to those who keep encouraging me. You all have Catti to thank for getting the last part and this one out so soon. I was struggling, but Catti's insistence that I update soon helped me get through the many distractions of this past week. Thanks, Catti!



Eiri pushed the chair back from the desk and walked away as the computer shut down. He had been trying to start his new book since yesterday morning, and he had written exactly two words: Chapter One.

He had tried for the last day and a half to start moving on, away from Shuichi, to forget the brat as completely as he had when he'd been writing the last book, but he hadn't been able to. When he sat down to write, all the ideas that came to mind were an apology, a plea to come back, and promises for the future. He couldn't think of a single thing that didn't revolve around a pink-haired, idiot singer. He sat on the couch with a beer and lit a cigarette, flipping on the television and tuning the channel to one of Shuichi's favorites. As he watched, he sipped at the beer, but soon forgot about it as a picture of Shuichi was shown on the screen. It was the picture Tohma had shown him, and suddenly Eiri thought he knew why Tohma had been bringing out the legal guns. If the photographer had sold this picture, then he was sure NG would have some work ahead of itself to reassure the fans.

He turned the volume up as a scene of a young woman standing in front of an apartment building appeared on the screen.

'While I have not seen Shindou Shuichi enter the building since he left it Friday morning, one of his neighbors has confirmed that he has been living here for almost two months. We can only speculate about the state of his relationship with novelist Yuki Eiri, since Yuki-san's publicist has been unavailable for comment. However, given that he is reportedly living here alone, it is believed that a breakup with Yuki-san is the cause of Shindou-san's deteriorated health and apparent suicide attempt.'

Eiri turned off the volume and reached for the phone on the coffee table as it began to ring, seething with anger and wishing he had that reporter's neck in his hands instead of the phone. He glanced at the caller ID and saw the number for his publicist.

"Eiri, what the hell is going on? How am I supposed to put a good light on this kind of thing if I don't know about it, huh? Look, if you're going to dump the kid, fine, but let me know so I can figure out what to tell the press. Right now, you're looking like the bad guy here, and I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to turn this to your advantage."

"Don't bother." Eiri hung up without another word. It didn't matter if he looked like the 'bad guy' since it was the truth. No, Eiri hadn't meant that Shuichi needed to leave him forever when he'd thrown him out that night, but that didn't change the fact that he had thrown him out. He had ignored him, yelled at him, blamed him for things that weren't his fault, insulted him and then tossed him out on his ear. If that didn't make him the villain, he didn't want to know what would.

He slumped back on the couch, his cigarette dangling from his lips. He was wallowing in self-pity and depression, he was fully aware of the fact, but right now he just didn't care. He slid sideways, lying on his back on the couch and dropping the cigarette into an ashtray before reaching for the remote and turning the volume back on. The reporter from before was finished, and they were showing clips of Bad Luck in concert as they announced that their new single would be released the following Tuesday and had already received comments from industry insiders about a new sound for the band. Eiri watched for a while, then finally got up and went to the closet in the spare bedroom he used as his office. Reaching far back on the shelf he came up with a dusty box, removing a videotape from it before returning to the living room.

He placed the tape in the VCR and hit the play button, then sat back on the couch and watched the tape of Shuichi's first performance, when they had opened for ASK. Shuichi had never known he had the tape. He had asked Tohma for it and made him swear he wouldn't let the brat know. He had still been planning to get rid of him then, and he wanted something to remember him by. Even then, he hadn't wanted to let go. He still didn't, but he didn't blame Shuichi in the slightest for being angry and refusing to even hear him out. It seemed like the only thing they did anymore was fight. He continued to watch the tape as Ryuichi appeared to save Shuichi, and then later as the two performed. Shuichi was never more beautiful than when he performed, except maybe during sex. When he performed, he gave of himself in a way that no one could match, in Eiri's opinion. He knew that Nittle Grasper was still beating Bad Luck on the charts, but it was a close race, and someday soon Shuichi would pass Sakuma Ryuichi as Japan's favorite.

He frowned, thinking back on what he had seen on television. Shuichi hadn't been home since Friday morning, which meant someone was taking care of him, he hoped. Eiri sat up, suddenly worried, and grabbed the phone, punching in the number for Shuichi's cell phone. He listened to it ring over and over again before finally transferring to voice mail. He left a quick message asking Shuichi to call him and hung up, going back to his office. Another thing Shuichi didn't know about, he thought, sitting down at the desk and turning on the lamp before opening the top drawer and removing a small blue notebook. He opened it and began to make calls.

Thirty minutes later, Eiri was even more worried. He had spent ten minutes listening to Hiro telling him off before he could get in a word edgewise and had sat through it almost patiently because he figured he deserved it. When he'd finally wound down and Eiri had been able to ask about Shuichi, he'd seemed confused and Eiri spent the next few minutes explaining the situation. After finally being able to get away from that conversation, he had called K and gotten only voice mail. Moving on down his list he had tried Fujisaki Suguru, and again gotten only voice mail. Last on his list was Sakano, Bad Luck's producer, and the man had only been able to tell him that Seguchi had taken care of the situation and assured him that Shuichi was safe just that morning.

Eiri looked at the phone, hesitating. He set it down and lit a cigarette, taking a few deep drags before picking up the phone again and dialing Tohma's number. After several rings he heard the answering machine pick up. Hoping that Tohma was just trying to ignore his landline in favor of getting work done, Eiri left a message. Then he hung up and called Tohma's cell phone. The man always kept it close by and he couldn't remember a single call ever going to voice mail, unless Tohma was on stage with Nittle Grasper. He even answered Eiri's calls during board meetings. Getting nothing but voice mail, Eiri tried again, hoping Tohma had simply not been quick enough to pick up. When he got voice mail again, he put down the phone and grabbed his car keys instead. He couldn't deny he was angry about Tohma's interest in Shuichi, jealous that Shuichi seemed to be returning that interest, at least a little, but he was worried. Tohma always answered Eiri's calls.

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Shuichi came awake slowly, reluctant to leave the warmth he was pressed against. He sighed, snuggling closer to the warm skin under his cheek, wrapping his arm tighter around the slim chest. He felt arms shifting slightly around him and smiled, feeling happy and at peace. He felt cool fingers brushing the hair from his face and a soft voice whispered softly. Shuichi answered the one-word question without thinking, his innate curiosity getting the better of him when he wasn't awake enough to suppress it.

"Why, what?"

He felt Tohma start slightly in surprise and simply waited. If he wanted to answer, he would. If not, Shuichi would try to suppress his curiosity, though he knew it would come clawing back. It always did. He was like a cat that way, Shuichi thought, too curious for his own good, not knowing when to leave the curiosity behind because pain and hurt lurked ahead.

"Why is it I can hide from everyone else, give them a false answer and a false smile and go on hiding, but not with you? I don't understand why. The only other person I ever felt even a fleeting desire to be completely open with was Eiri, but after- after what happened in New York, I thought he didn't need to be burdened with my troubles. I hid them from him so I could be there for him, be the pillar of strength he needed."

Shuichi sighed, pulling Tohma closer with the arm snaked around his chest.

"But, even a pillar needs some support, right? I mean, if you put it on something shifty it falls over, but if you put it on rock it stands." Shuichi lifted his head from Tohma's shoulder so he could see his expression. The slightly surprised look irritated him and he frowned. "I'm not that much of an idiot, you know. I may have been more interested in music than school, but I passed."

He pushed himself away from Tohma, pushing back the bedspread and starting to get up, hearing echoes of Yuki calling him an idiot playing in his head. He had always tried to prove he was more than he seemed to his lover, but it had never seemed to make a difference. He remembered countless times he had wanted to talk to Yuki and had tried to explain without getting too emotional or sappy, since he knew Yuki was uncomfortable with things like that, but all he had gotten was a scowl and more insults. He had tried to pour out his heart in his lyrics, so many songs having been written about Yuki, about the way he felt and the peace Shuichi had when it was just the two of them, even if he was being called an idiot. Yuki had never once said anything positive about his lyrics, just that they weren't worth the ink used to write them down.

Shuichi's eyes started to blur with tears as he struggled to untangle himself. Thinking he was free he went to stand, only to find one leg still tangled just tightly enough to unbalance him, and he landed in a heap on the floor, on top of the pile of their clothes. Shuichi raised himself to his knees, tears trickling down his cheeks and felt Tohma's hands on his shoulders, then his arms around him. He briefly felt an urge to push him away, punish him for the way Shuichi felt, but he crumbled instead, the urge fleeing as quickly as it had come and he rested his head again on Tohma's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Shuichi," Tohma whispered to him. "I never meant to bring up things that hurt you. I shouldn't have mentioned Eiri."

"How could you never mention him? He's a big part of your life. I know you care about him; it would be stupid not to expect you to mention him sometimes. It was just -- " Shuichi shook his head. "Never mind, it was nothing. It doesn't matter."

Shuichi could feel Tohma's assessing gaze on him but he wouldn't meet it, refusing to let him have a chance to make Shuichi acknowledge the lie out loud. Finally he heard Tohma sigh.

"I'm going to go shower, Shuichi. Why don't you use the time to pick out something of mine to wear while your clothes are in the wash."

Shuichi nodded and let Tohma help him to his feet and felt a small kiss being pressed to his forehead as Tohma stepped past. A moment later the shower started across the hall, and Shuichi walked to the closet to look over his choices.

As he sifted through Tohma's clothes, he tried not to think about the reason he was standing in Seguchi Tohma's apartment, in his bedroom, naked, looking for something to wear after he showered. He didn't regret his actions, not exactly. He might regret their timing, perhaps, but he couldn't deny that it had been what he had both needed and wanted. Still, for some reason he felt almost guilty. He had left Yuki, broken off their relationship, but he hadn't refused to give Yuki another chance. Yet here he was, still waking up from a nap in the arms of the man he'd just had sex with, who had just been asked for a divorce by his estranged wife, and who was not only his ex-lover's brother-in-law until that divorce was final, but also his boss. Shuichi sighed, walking back to the bed and sitting on the edge. He certainly seemed to have a knack for messing things up.

Shuichi was still sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, his elbows propped on his knees, when Tohma came back a few minutes later. Shuichi looked up slowly and watched as Tohma quietly went to the closet and picked out a shirt and pants, then to the dresser where he took out a pair of silk boxers. Tohma walked over to Shuichi and silently held out the clothes. Shuichi stood, his hands reaching out automatically to take them, and found his gaze caught by Tohma's. Tohma looked at him sadly for a moment, then turned away, speaking quietly.

"Go shower, Shuichi. There will be time enough later."

Shuichi went, still confused and now saddened that he had put such a melancholy look in Tohma's eyes.

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Tohma waited until he heard the shower start before dressing. He folded the bedspread, placing it carefully in the corner to tell the cleaning service it needed to be sent out, then picked up the clothes on the floor and tossed them into the hamper with the rest and carried it out to the kitchen, placing it on the floor and starting the load to wash. He paused, looking at the kitchen. When Shuichi had interrupted, he had been starting to make them lunch. A pot of water sat on the stove, next to a baking dish for the fish. He checked the rice he had started in the cooker and found it still usable, as were the vegetables he'd been chopping. He started the heat under the pot of water and returned to chopping the vegetables, dumping them into the steamer basket and waiting for the water to boil.

He would wait to talk to Shuichi until after they had eaten. It only seemed polite not to ruin a meal with his apologies. Shuichi hadn't said to stop, had begged him not to, but if he had just been more in control of himself, then maybe he could have put a stop to it, and spared Shuichi the regret and further heartache. He hadn't set out to cause Shuichi more pain by bringing him here; he'd only wanted to protect him.

Tohma started at the pounding on his door, and went to answer it, taking time to look through the peephole before opening it this time.

"Eiri, please come in. I was just making some food. Would you like some?"

He watched as Eiri stepped past him to the living room, his head turning as he looked around for something, or someone. Tohma closed the door and went back to the kitchen, setting the vegetables in their tray on top of the now boiling water and putting the lid on the pan.

"Is there any particular reason you came by, Eiri, or did you just want to say hello? You could have called, you know."

"I tried. You didn't answer."

Tohma looked up in surprise. If Eiri had come here after trying to call, it must be something he considered important. Tohma sighed, turning off the stove and resigning himself to tough vegetables. He walked out to the living room and stood facing Eiri. The man had been a little brother to him for so long, and he loved him like no other. He briefly thought of all he had risked for Eiri over the years, knowing he would risk anything and take on anything for him in the future as well, even if he wouldn't be a brother much longer.

"Eiri, why have you come?"

"Where is Shuichi? I saw the news; they say he hasn't been home since yesterday morning. Sakano told me you said he was safe and you had taken care of things. Where is he, Tohma?"

Tohma hesitated, unsure of how to explain the situation to Eiri in a way that wouldn't cause him more pain. Eiri took a step forward, looking as though he was ready to force the answer out of Tohma.

"I'm here, Yuki."

Eiri turned toward the soft voice, surprise and relief on his face for a moment before Tohma saw his usual scowl return. He looked over at Shuichi and felt a genuine smile on his lips. He had known the black pants and lavender shirt would look good on Shuichi, and from Eiri's stance, he could tell Eiri thought so as well. He glanced between the two for a moment, noting the hesitancy and sadness in Shuichi and the brewing anger that Eiri was trying to keep a grip on. He felt like an intruder on the scene between the two, knowing they had much to discuss if they would just talk instead of arguing. Deciding to leave the two of them alone, Tohma started to walk past Eiri back to the kitchen.

Eiri grabbed his arm as he passed and he looked up, confused. He was sure Eiri would want to talk to Shuichi alone, but the look on Eiri's face as he shifted his gaze to Tohma was one he hadn't expected. The anger felt almost like a physical blow to Tohma and he flinched before he got himself under control and tried to pull his arm from Eiri's grasp. The hand on his arm tightened as Eiri's face contorted further, but then released as Shuichi threw himself into Eiri's arms, forcing him to let go of Tohma or risk dropping Shuichi.

Tohma stepped back, watching as Shuichi clung to Eiri's neck, babbling about being an idiot and something being all his fault. It was then that Tohma realized, Eiri knew. Somehow, even though no one had said anything, he knew, just by looking at Shuichi. Tohma stood by and quietly watched, glad to be ignored for the moment as Shuichi stepped back from Eiri and looked up at him with tears falling down his face.

"Yuki, will you give me a ride back to my apartment, please?"

Eiri sighed. "Go get your things, brat."

Tohma watched as Shuichi practically ran down the hall, obviously trying to leave the two of them alone for as short a time as possible. Tohma doubted Eiri would actually resort to physical violence against him, but he knew he was not on Eiri's list of welcome faces at the moment, nor was he likely to be for a long time. He turned into the kitchen, and started to clean up the dinner no one would be eating.

"I had thought Mika might mean more to you than this, Tohma."

He turned back to look at Eiri. Yet again, it seemed that Tohma would have to be the bearer of sad tidings.

"Her lover asked her to marry him, Eiri. She brought me papers this morning, and I imagine she'll be filing them as soon as the courts are open on Monday."

"If she meant so much to you, why didn't you fight for her, instead of signing them? So you could make a sympathy play for Shuichi?"

Tohma could only stare for a moment, a cold feeling in his chest giving way to hot anger and a pain he had never thought he would feel again. That Eiri, who should know him better than anyone, would think he would do such a thing, it hurt more than he believed he'd been capable of hurting anymore. He had been in so much pain since Mika had left he'd thought he'd reached the limit of what one person could feel. He knew his expression rivaled Eiri at his coldest, but he didn't care.

"If you think that of me, you can wait for Shuichi outside."

He watched as Eiri turned and stalked out the door, and was still standing with that cold expression when Shuichi hurried back into the room a moment later. He watched as Shuichi took a step toward him, his expression full of concern, and Tohma turned away to pour a cup of the cold, stale coffee in the pot.

"Eiri is waiting for you outside, Shuichi. I'll see you at work on Monday."

He waited until he heard the door close a minute later, knowing Shuichi had hesitated, knowing Shuichi had been torn between wanting to go home and talk with Eiri and stay and comfort Tohma. He walked to the windows and stood looking out over Tokyo as the sun set, sipping the coffee and not tasting it or noticing how cold it was. As the sun slipped below the horizon and the pinks and oranges of the sky turned to purple and blue he turned and hurled the coffee cup at the wall, watching it shatter, leaving a stain on the paint as he dropped to his knees and leaned over, pressing his forehead to the floor. His mind was blank, as though something inside him had broken with the coffee cup, and it was a long time before he moved.