Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Forever Gone, Forever You (revised) ❯ Chapter Twelve: So Close ( Chapter 12 )

Disclaimer: ~.~ Chu!


Author's Note: Another chapter, nothing much to say. Enjoy it while it last . . . ^.~ Chu!



"All we can do is cry, shed tears from our eyes and watch the people we care about hurt. Sometimes it is for the best because we need to think about ourselves, once in a while."

Raiden Toshiba, Singer



Chapter Twelve: So Close





"You're quiet, have nothing to say to me? Or does my appearance intimidate you so much, Toshiba?"

"What is there to say? The only reason I came here was because Sora tricked me. Look, I can leave since you don't want me here anyway. Not a problem, I have legs, I can use them."

"Stop being an ass and stay where you are. Apparently Ukai-san has a reason for tricking you and maybe you need to accept it."

"Yeah . . . that will be the day. So let me guess, the reason she did this is because she want us to kiss and make up, am I correct?"


Shuichi remain silent as he looks at Raiden sitting across from him. Wondering why he sounds so hostile to the idea, he just let out an irritated sigh. Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone and let him live the way he wants too. Now, he had to be stuck in here, all day with someone he hasn't seen in two years. Cursing silently in his head, if it wasn't for those damn machines hook up to him, he would simply get up and leave. Removing his eyes off Raiden, they turn to the television as the news was showing last night's concert. They made a spot light on his solo as he sung his newest song. Not admitting that he like it and maybe it hit a soft spot in his cold heart. He knew Raiden was trying to make up, but he was making it hard for the both of them.

Blue eyes stared at Shuichi as he paid attention to the screen. He couldn't understand, what was the point of coming here if nothing was going to happen. Sora told him that they were going shopping and he feels for that trap. Now, he was stuck here with Shuichi and outside was security and he couldn't get out. What is Sora's purpose of locking them in here, so they could just start over and pretend nothing happen. It's not going to work because it's going to take more than a make up session to fix what was damage for years. Becoming overwhelmed, he had to leave sooner or later, he had yet another concert tonight. That and he was extremely tired and couldn't sleep last night. His mind wouldn't put him at ease, which meant another night of disturbance. As the room continue to fill with silence, Raiden decide to speak in order to break up the tension between them.

"Shuichi . . . I'm sorry for what happen two years ago. I know I should have taken better action, but I didn't." he apologized, not completely sympathetic but enough to start something.

Breaking away from the television, did he just hear him right. He was apologizing and he act as if it wasn't anything big. The man broke his heart, worse than what Yuki ever done. He felt anger build up but he kept his face emotionless. "You're sorry? Nice to hear something that doesn't have feeling behind it. Next time, try for a dramatic pleading and see if I forgive you." he sarcastically replied.

What was his problem, he was trying. He doesn't know how hard it is for him to be serious right now. He felt uncomfortable, hospitals aren't his strong suits. Also he hasn't been sleeping and was edgy. Was Shuichi doing all of this on purpose just to set him off, because if he was it was working. "Look, I'm trying my hardest here, alright. I'm sorry I'm not going to bow down and kiss your ass. If you don't except it, it's on you but all I can do is be the bigger man and apologize."

Chuckling at that remark, bigger man? God, he sound like he was reading cue cards or something, cheap slogans. "Enough with your bullshit because it's not working. For once in your miserable life, think outside of that damn box. Raiden, you don't get it do you? I love you, I confess my feelings to you, in which I swore to never love again. Then just like that, you blew them away. What you expected me to do, just smile and continue on being all happy. No, I was going to be hurt, pissed the most. Now, two years later you return and you hope everything can go back to normal. Too bad, it's not."

"I'm not looking for everything to go back to normal, because I know it's not. Look at you, you are a fucking druggie who can't stop taking the needle for a minute. If it wasn't for me, you could have died." Raiden pointed out as Shuichi raised a brow.

Laughing mockingly, what he want him to do, bow down and prays him now? "Oh glorious savior, thank thee for saving my worthless life in which you destroy! There Raiden, I said it . . . my gratitude towards your heroic actions. You must feel good, saving a fuck up druggie like me huh? What's next, advice . . . why don't you go to rehab? You know what, I'm not going to that place because I can manage on my own thank you."

Digging his hands into the arms of the chair, he felt his jaw tighten with every remark. He just didn't understand, he tried to be nice. Nothing was working and as far as he could tell, it won't. "You know . . . you are one fuck up person to be blaming me for your issues! As you may know, I had some of my own and I didn't need to turn to drugs for any of them. So go ahead and kill yourself, I don't care . . . it's your life, not mines."

"You know . . . you sound just like someone I know. Speak nothing but bullshit and know that if I die, you'll be going insane for the rest of your life. Admit it Raiden, what was your true purpose of coming back to Tokyo? To see me rot away, knowing that my love for you will continue to burn away at my soul? Do you enjoy seeing me suffer that much?"

Going silent, Raiden didn't know what to say to that as he look at Shuichi. Noticing how his eyes seem to sadden, he couldn't believe that he was suffering that much. Why do he continue to do this to himself, couldn't he easily get out of it. For two years of his miserable life, all he could think about is Shuichi and wondering if he found someone else. Now he got his answer, seeing that he couldn't push aside his feelings to be with someone else. Shuichi just turned away from him, not wanting him to see the look within his eyes. Yes, he still love him and every time he thought about it, he wanted to just die. It hurts to know that the man you love, probably doesn't have feelings for you. All those years of suffering and questioning all your actions finally come back with answers you refuse to listen to.

"Shuichi . . . look, I don't want to fight with you alright. Please understand this, but what happen two years ago . . . I was scared. Hell, I'm still scared to except any ones feelings for me because-" but he just stop, realizing there wasn't a point in explaining something to him. Shuichi wouldn't listen, there's no point in trying.

Shuichi look at him silently, his violet eyes soften slightly, but he still glare. Why won't he just say it instead of beating around the bush. "What's the problem Toshiba, you are going to say no one ever love you or something?" once again being sarcastic when he notice Raiden's eyes lower at what he said. His face soften, noticing he hit something and regret start to form. "Toshiba . . . I didn't mean to-"

Chuckling softly, he look back up, his eyes gloss with tears. Shuichi was right, what was the point of apologizing. He had every right to ridicule him and he was going to take every punishment even if it hurts. "No need to apologize. But you are right, Kei . . . he never loved me. He just didn't think it was worth wasting love when you don't have long to live. I never gave up on him though, I was foolish. Even his sister had to let me know how foolish I was. So, I didn't know how to react when you told me you love me. I was going to be scared, only a natural reaction." he admitted it, as his heart start to ache.

"Raiden, why did you let yourself get like this. Why continue to love someone who doesn't love you back?"

"I should be asking you the same thing. You love Yuki, he never loved you. But you refuse to give up, regardless how much pain you suffered with. Same as me, I knew he didn't love me, but I couldn't let go. When he died, he took a piece of me with him and held it. Even in death, he is still the puppet master and I'm his puppet. He's pulling my strings, toying with my emotions. I hate feeling this way, you know, insecure and scared all the time. I just want to break away from my bounds and be able to move on."

Biting his bottom lip, Shuichi knew he was too harsh on him. Turning away, he stare out the window, watching as gray clouds slowly roll into the sky. Another day of rain, it wasn't new. Inhaling deeply, Sora words appear in his head. She was right, he did have a choice to accept him back or move on. He didn't know what to do, he didn't want to be hurt again. Still, deep within his heart he would always have those feelings for Raiden. He was able to say goodbye to Yuki, he didn't need to cry. But he felt pain once again and he wanted to escape from it. Moving his eyes from the window to his arm, he felt horrible. His body, his poor body had to suffer so much punishment to atone for his sins. His arm stared back at him, still black and blue from all the injections he had done to himself. His arm . . . he knew he should stop. He knew that he needed to stop and he needed to find help. Yet, the number of times his friends emitted him into rehab, he escape. He hated being helpless, he wanted to do it on his own. He knew it was hard, he couldn't stop his addiction that easily. Shuichi let out his breath, it slowly went into the air. He had to make a choice and he needed to do it now.

"You know, we are so alike in so many levels, but we are also different. You live for your friends, you don't care about your own happiness. You live to bring smiles on people’s faces, you don't care about your own pain. You lost your true love, who in return never gave you the time of day, but you continue to stay by his side till death. I've done the same thing and now look at me. I'm stuck between the forks in the road. Two paths in which one holds all the answers. Yesterday, I talked to Ukai-san and she told me something that's been in my head lately. She told me I have to choose if I can forgive you or not. But how can I? You left me here to rot."

"Shuichi . . . you need to listen to yourself! Stop thinking about yourself, you are not the only person who was hurt, alright! You act like it affected you a great deal, what about me? What about my pain? I know that I don't care, but now I'm starting to see the light. Look, I don't care if you don't forgive me alright. It's your choice and all I can do is respect that. Just tell me this, do you want me to leave your life forever? Just say the words and I know coming here wasn't a waste."

"What do you think Raiden? What do you think I'm going to say?"

"I think you're going to say goodbye and if you must say it now and we both can move on."

"Alright Raiden, goodbye. I hope you have a good life and I'm sorry that you couldn't get what you wanted."

Raiden chuckled as he stood up. Staring at Shuichi's back, he knew that the singer didn't want this but words can mean different things. He could only respect his wishes, regardless how much it hurt. Going to the door, he pause as he spoke his last words. "You know Shuichi, even though I left, I regretted it for so long. So when I started my band and we made our first CD, I made it for you. I did it for you because I knew that I ruined your life also and I wanted you to see how sorry I felt. But I guess, words can't get through you, at least me being here wasn't a total waste. Good luck in what ever you do. Goodbye Shuichi . . ."


Listening to his footsteps descend then the opening and closing of the door, Shuichi close his eyes as he felt the burning tears reach the surface. What has he done, why couldn't he just tell him? Is this truly the end, there's no turning back. He said what he had to say and he feeling every ounce of it. So close . . . yet so far. Stuck within the pit of despair . . .

TBC

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Author's Note: Cliffhanger. Stupid Shuichi and his inferiority complex. But don't worry, it's not over. Just because he said no, doesn't mean he's not going to try. Kind of sad, but all things should work. To let in on the next chapter, finally the wedding . . . by time. Big chapter so be prepared. Review

Upcoming Chapter: Goodbye . . . My Love


Two paths . . . two choices . . .

Which one would be right . . .

To live a life of happiness . . .

Or to live a life of pain . . .