Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Gravity Falls:Reaching the Stars ❯ Chapter 2

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (anime only)
Warnings: reference to gang rape, graphic sex, bad language.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of `Gravitation'.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

He opened up and was greeted by darkness. All the lights were off, but he could see the flicker of the TV still going and the faint sound of music. He hung up his coat and slipped off his shoes, walking into the lounge area in bare feet.

 

Shuichi hadn't seemed to have moved from the position he had been in when Yuki had left earlier. Obviously he had at some time as he must have got up to turn the lights off, but he was back on the couch in that same huddled position. Now Yuki could truly see it for what it was, and what it meant. It was a defensive posture, the boy trying desperately to hold his own body together, trying to make himself as small as possible in the hope that pain would not reach him ever again. The posture screamed out fear, and hurt.

 

Yuki slowly walked over and sat on the lounge. Not so close to Shuichi that he would be frightened, but close enough to touch if need be. Yuki forced himself to act relaxed, throwing an arm casually over the back of the lounge, fingertips almost reaching Shuichi's shoulders but not quite. He kept his face turned towards the TV but watched the boy from the corner of his eye. He saw the flinch, the slight shift of the body away from his extended hand. Not a good sign at all.

 

Yuki didn't know what to do. His mind was spinning. Part of him wanted to gather the boy into his arms and make love to him, try and drive all the horrible thoughts and images away with that act. A part of him wanted to shake the boy hard, to try and make him snap out of it and be back to normal. Neither was an option unless he was seeking the utter destruction of Shuichi's sanity. What else could he do?

 

He turned his head to look at the boy, still huddled there. “Hey,” he said in a low voice, trying to make it soft.

 

Shuichi turned his head, raising his eyes to look at Yuki from under those long lashes, peering at him from over his knees. “Hey,” he responded.

 

“Sorry,” Yuki said shortly. Shuichi looked a little surprised at the apology. Well, it wasn't often that Yuki bothered apologising for anything.

 

“No, I'm sorry I made you mad,” the boy said in a small voice, looking down. “Sorry.”

 

“Not your fault. I was just in a bad mood.” Yuki tried to smooth things over.

 

“I…I shouldn't have…you know…not when…you wanted…”

 

Shuichi was struggling with his words. Yuki could see his hands, clasped around his knees, tighten further, knuckles growing whiter.

 

“If you….want to….you can…you know,” the boy stammered out, through a voice that sounded strangled and full of pain.

 

Yuki stared and had to bite down hard on his instinctive reaction to snap something back in response. The boy was saying he would /let/ Yuki take him! After everything that he had been through, he was still willing to try and get past it all, just to please Yuki. He was ignoring his own well being, his own pain and hurts and fears, just to give something to Yuki.

 

The idiotic bone headed fool! Yuki screamed out in his mind. He clamped down on his roiling emotions. It would do no good what-so-ever if he let loose. He'd probably just drive Shuichi into some sort of catatonic state. He calmed himself before speaking.

 

“Doesn't matter.” he said briefly.

 

Shuichi seemed to suddenly shrink further into himself, if that were possible. Yuki could almost physically feel the boy withdrawing. Damn it! That's not what he had wanted! Shuichi had taken his response to the offer as another refusal, as his inability to please Yuki. God damn the kid! That's not what he had meant!

 

“I just feel like sitting for a bit. You know, just us,” Yuki struggled with the words, trying to make them sound natural. Shuichi glanced at him, a brief movement of large eyes. “Been a long time since we just…. well, it sounds corny and I'm only saying this because it's completely dark and you can't see my face, but just for us to…cuddle. And if you ever remind me that I said any of this, I'll kill you.” Now that sounded more like him!

 

It must have to Shuichi as well, for the small body unfolded a little, a loosening of the hands, a straightening of the back, the head lifting a little.

 

Yuki beckoned with his hand, “Come here. I just want to sit here and hold you for a bit.”

 

This was a test. Would Shuichi accept, or was it too much, too soon? He could see Shuichi looking at the spot next to him on the couch, looking at his extended hand as though he feared it was a snake that would strike. He was taking a long time to answer, or to move. Yuki didn't even think the boy realised just how long every action and thought was taking. If he had, he would have known he was giving his secret away immediately. Yuki kept himself still, making no further movements, saying nothing more. Shuichi had to come to his own decision, in his own time.

 

The boy dropped his feet to the floor, and slowly inched a little closer to Yuki's side. Still Yuki didn't move. Another minuscule slide a little closer.

 

A small hand reached towards his still extended one. Yuki could see it shaking, even in the darkness. The kid was terrified, truly terrified, and his heart clenched painfully. Those trembling digits fluttered over his upraised palm, before settling down. He didn't try and close his fingers around the hand, wasn't going to trap it. He let his hand remain relaxed until he felt the fingers slowly curl against his, easing gently into a grip.

 

Shuichi had moved close enough to be sitting right next to Yuki now. Slowly Yuki partially closed his fingers around the hand in his, not hard, applying very little pressure. He leant his head on the back of the lounge as though relaxing, slowly drawing their clasped hands towards his chest. Shuichi didn't pull away but there was a stiffness still there.

 

Yuki pretended to close his eyes but under his lashes he continued to watch. He held the hand on his chest, letting it rest over his heart, feeling his own steady heartbeat through their combined grip. “Get comfortable,” he said in an off-hand manner. “You'll get a crick in your back otherwise.”

 

He did nothing more, just watched Shuichi sit as though frozen. Then slowly, so very slowly, he saw him lift his legs up on the couch until he was kneeling and sidle closer to Yuki. The boy's body was now touching his side, the arm attached to their clasped hands resting down his chest and stomach. He watched as Shuichi slowly lowered his head, hesitating a moment, before finally allowing it to settle into the crook of Yuki's shoulder.

 

Yuki could still feel the rigidness in the small body, the faint shaking. He concentrated on keeping himself calm. Any change in his heartbeat would be felt immediately by Shuichi, and would most likely frighten him away. So calm it was. Yuki breathed in deeply and then exhaled, feeling the boy's head rise and fall as well.

 

“Are…are you tired?” a soft voice asked.

 

“Not really,” he replied. “Not tired as in wanting to sleep. Just tired.”

 

“Hmm,”

 

“You've been working a lot lately.”

 

“I…guess.”

 

“Must be hard being an up-and-coming rock star.”

 

“Well, there is a lot to do. More than I realised.”

 

Yuki felt a slight relaxing of the tension. Shuichi always did like talking about his music, it was after all his dream. So keep him talking about something he finds safe, something that gives him confidence. “Like what?” he asked.

 

“All the promotional stuff, marketing, getting your name known, things like that. I always thought it was about how good your music was, but the way K talks he could make a rock star out of chimpanzee playing cymbals!”

 

“So instead he's going to make a rock star out of a chimp that sings.”

 

“Hey!” Shuichi said, raising his head to look up at Yuki, catching onto the insult. “This monkey has talent! That's the difference!”

 

“Oh, really?” Yuki drawled, looking down into the upturned face with a slight smile. “Thought you were having problems with that?”

 

“Nah,” Shuichi said, leaning further back a little, moving his head into a more comfortable position. Yuki took this as his cue to carefully slide his arm down from where it had remained resting across the back of the lounge so it now draped loosely around Shuichi's shoulders. Again there was no pressure applied, no real holding, just the presence of it there, the contact. Shuichi didn't seem to notice. “I was just being pig headed.”

 

“So what's new?”

 

“Are you out of cigarettes or something?” Shuichi said, looking up at him again with a frown. “You are being way too grumpy!”

 

“You tell me I'm always grumpy.”

 

“Well, you are!”

 

“Then it can't be because I'm out of cigarettes, can it?”

 

“Who knows with you?!” Shuichi snorted, leaning further into Yuki's embrace, the tension flowing away. “I think you just deliberately decide every morning when you wake up that you are going to be pissy that day. It's like something you just have to do. So that is why I have to work twice as hard at not being in a bad mood to make up for you!”

 

“Huh!” Yuki snorted.

 

“Don't try and ignore it!” The eyes glared at him fiercely, some of their old fire burning there. “You really should try and be happier you know. You'll live longer!”

 

“Really?” Yuki drawled. “Thought you told me that smoking would kill me?”

 

“It will! But then I'll just have to give you mouth-to-mouth each time you die and bring you back!” There was a smirk on the upturned face, and Yuki let a slow smile spread across his face.

 

“Mouth-to-mouth, you say? Think I feel a heart attack coming on. Going to swing into action, Doc?”

 

Yuki kept the soft smile on his face slowly lowering his head, keeping his eyes fixed on Shuichi's the whole time. He could see the widening of those eyes, the fear growing there. Come on, kid. Don't give in to it. Go with the flow. The body next to his had tensed again, he could hear Shuichi's breathing shaking, but the boy didn't pull away.

 

Yuki dropped his head lower, until he could feel the warm breath on his face. Gently he brushed his lips against Shuichi's, nothing more than a whispering touch, and then he raised his head, giving the boy some space.

 

“There, you see, attack gone. Now, where's my cigarettes?” and he turned his head as though looking around for the missing objects. He could see Shuichi still from the corner of his eye, could feel the body slump as the fear left him, the soft sigh of relief. He saw a small smile curve those soft lips.

 

“Hey,” a soft voice called him. “Can't you leave off having a cigarette, even at a time like this?”

 

“Time like what?” Yuki said absently. He felt a light punch to his ribs and looked back down at the boy, who was mock frowning at him.

 

“You know perfectly well what I mean, asshole. Don't give me any of that crap. You're the one who said you wanted to `cuddle'!”

 

“And I said I'd kill you if you ever brought that up.” Yuki said with steel in his voice.

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll kill me for that, along with the one hundred other things that you have promised to kill me for! You know, you are getting rather monotonous in that.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“Why don't you make me?!”

 

“Is that a challenge?”

 

“You bet. Put your mouth to some good use for once!”

 

“You little brat…” and Yuki dropped his head again and captured those lips that were raised to meet him.

 

He held himself back, touching only lightly, reading the reactions in the body pressed against him. There was a little stiffening at the first contact, but then it faded away as he continued to caress those lips with his own. He applied a little more pressure, flicking his tongue out to trace the outline of Shuichi's lips, gentle soft touches, almost ticklish. He felt the lips part just a little. He continued to run the tip of his tongue over the curves, not trying to force his entrance to the mouth. The lips parted further. Still Yuki ignored the opening. As he kissed Shuichi, he gently stroked the boy's hand lying in his, tracing tiny patterns with his fingers over the skin. He felt Shuichi lean into him further, body relaxing.

 

Yuki continued to trace his tongue over the lips, sucking on them, deepening the kiss. He then felt an answering soft touch. Since Yuki hadn't accepted the shy invitation Shuichi had come out to greet him, the tip of Shuichi's tongue hesitantly touched his own. He slid his own over it but he didn't chase it as it hid shyly away. Soon that soft touch returned. Yuki parted his lips fully, coaxing Shuichi to enter his mouth.

 

In the past it had always been Yuki who would instigate things, it was Yuki who took the dominant role. It would be Yuki who would push his tongue into Shuichi's sweet mouth, to suck on that flexible tongue. But tonight, Yuki encouraged Shuichi to explore the inside of his mouth.

 

It did take a while, a frustratingly long time, before Yuki felt that wetness enter his mouth, twining around his own tongue, flicking across the roof, tracing his teeth. He shivered a little. Those soft feathery touches were exciting him. Calm, he thought to himself. He must stay in control.

 

Shuichi roamed through his mouth, exploring, searching, memorising. Then Yuki felt his own tongue being sucked forward and into Shuichi's so he could return the favour. So sweet, so warm, so moist, so nice. They deepened the kiss further now, open mouthed, tongues touching, breath catching.

 

Finally, the necessity to breathe made Yuki break the contact and raise his head. Shuichi was pushed in against his side as hard as he could be, gazing up with eyes that seemed to be happy. Yuki realised that it had been a long time since he had truly seen that look, for all Shuichi had been good at pretending.

 

“So, is that putting my mouth to good use?” he asked softly, a little breathlessly.

 

Shuichi smiled, “Hmmm.”

 

Yuki couldn't help the chuckle. “How about we get off this couch? I'm going to get a crick in my neck trying to lean down to you. Besides it's starting to get cold. Bring your pillow and we can sit up in bed, and stop trying to freeze our butts off.”

 

Yuki said all this in a casual manner, not trying to imply anything, or push for anything. Would Shuichi accept the offer? It would be the first time that Shuichi had been in Yuki's bed since….the incident. Would it have too many connotations?

 

Yuki shifted and stood, “And you might want to bring your blanket too. I'm not having you try and hog mine just because you're cold.”

 

He closed up the balcony door and turned to walk towards his room, not looking back to see if Shuichi was following. He had to remain calm, act normal, like nothing was wrong.

 

He entered his room and switched on the small table lamp in the corner. It cast a soft subdued light, only reaching about four feet, leaving the rest of the room in warm shadows. He pushed the quilt back and sat down, draping it back over his legs and feet. He didn't remove any of his clothes. That would completely freak Shuichi out at the moment.

 

He could hear no movement from the other room. He picked up a book and placed his glasses on, beginning to read. He wasn't really paying attention to the words before him, all his senses were strained towards what might be happening in the lounge. Had he pushed too hard? Should he just have left it there and not tried to do anything else? Shuichi had almost looked happy again. Had he ruined that, destroyed even those first tentative signs? His mind raced with worry.

 

“You'll go blind if you keep reading in the dark, you know,” a quiet voice said from the doorway, surprising him.

 

Yuki looked up. Shuichi stood there, blanket thrown over his shoulder, pillow hugged in front of him. Yuki could see that the boy's grip on the pillow was nothing short of a strangle hold.

 

“Humph,” he said, glancing back down at the book.

 

He could hear Shuichi pad into the room coming towards the bed. The side opposite him dipped a little as the boy crawled on to it.

 

“No wonder you have to wear glasses so much.”

 

Yuki looked up again. Shuichi was sitting at the foot of the bed, huddled together with his blanket and pillow.

 

“Well, if you're going to sit that far away I'm going to have to get other glasses just so I can see you.”

 

Shuichi flushed a little. “Ah, okay.”

 

He crawled up the bed, dragging his bedding with him. He settled his pillow against the wall and leant back, wrapping the blanket around him. Yuki felt the bed shake as the boy shivered. Shivered not from the cold, but from what Yuki knew was fear.

 

“You idiot,” he said, raising and reaching out an arm. “Get here and hurry up and get warm. You're making the bed shake so much I can't read.”

 

Yuki didn't look up from his book and did nothing more than keep his arm raised. He was soon rewarded with the feel of a small warm body easing into the curl of his arm. Again he just let it drape loosely around the form, pretending to concentrate on the reading.

 

They remained like that for a time, in a comfortable silence. Then Shuichi stirred a little. Yuki heard him sigh softly but continued to read. There was another sigh, louder this time. Yuki ignored it. The third time the sigh was loudly audible and greatly exaggerated.

 

“What, brat?” he snapped, knowing Shuichi would expect nothing less.

 

He felt an insistent tugging at the side of his shirt and glanced down. Shuichi was doing his most adorable, cute impression, looking up at Yuki, one hand clenched in the fabric of his shirt. “Aw, Yuki. I'm bored.”

 

“Then be bored elsewhere.” he said, turning back to his book

 

“But, Yuuuki!” Shuichi wailed imploringly.

 

“What?”

 

“I want to do something.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“You said we'd cuddle! You promised!”

 

“I promised nothing.”

 

“Yes, you did. When you say something like that, it's just the same as you promising.'

 

“How did you come up with that crazy logic?!”

 

“But it's true!” Shuichi was now tugging on the book.

 

“Oh, all right then!” Yuki said with false exasperation. He reached out and put the book back on the bedside table.

 

As he turned his head back, he saw Shuichi kneeling next to him and two hands reached out to gently remove his glasses also. As the boy leant across him to place them on the table, Yuki could feel the pressure of that body against his. He kept his arms rigidly at his side to prevent himself from reaching out and enveloping that small form. Not yet.

 

He waited as Shuichi settled back down next to him, plumping his pillow up and wrapping his blanket across his legs. He hadn't slid under the covers to join Yuki, but he wasn't going to push that issue. Once he was settled, Yuki let the silence stretch. Finally he broke it.

 

“Okay, I'm not reading, so now what?”

 

“We're cuddling!”

 

“Say that word again and I'll kick your butt on the floor.”

 

“You're the one who used it first!” Shuichi said forcefully. “I never thought I would ever hear a word like that coming from Eiri Yuki's mouth!”

 

“I had a lapse of sanity. It happens to everyone once.”

 

“Are you saying you don't want to cuddle with me?” Shuichi asked, looking up at Yuki imploringly, falsely batting his long lashes.

 

“Brat, you are living dangerously.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Shuichi said, laying back with a sigh. “How you can be a world famous romance writer is beyond me, you don't know anything about romance! You don't even like the word `cuddle'!”

 

“Don't have to.”

 

“Yeah, but so many people read your books and like them. They seem to think you know all about love and romance.”

 

“That's how I make my living.”

 

There was silence for a bit longer then Yuki heard Shuichi's quiet voice say, “I read one.” He looked down at the top of the boy's head, resting on his chest.

“I read one of your books.”

 

Yuki was surprised. He didn't even know Shuichi could read, which is a little harsh, but unless it had something to do with his music Yuki had never seen Shuichi pick up a book. He didn't count comics as books.

 

“Which one?' he asked curiously.

 

“Your last one. One of the techs at the studio had it, so I borrowed it from her.”

 

“So, what did you think?” Yuki was a little curious. There was a pause.

 

“Zero,” The small head lifted and Shuichi gazed up at him with eyes that had a twinkle of merriment. “You've got zero talent.”

 

Yuki raised his hand and konked the head, not hard but still forcefully. He knew what Shuichi was doing.

 

The boy laughed and smiled up at him. “Nah, don't worry, Yuki. Your legions of fans can't be wrong, can they?” Shuichi turned away again. “But..”

 

Yuki frowned. Was the kid trying to criticize his writing? “But?” he said dangerously. He felt Shuichi pull away a little.

 

Calm, Yuki thought, don't show him any extreme emotions, especially those that he might take as a threat. Yuki trailed his hand softly down Shuichi's arm, trying to take the sting out of his words. It seemed to work.

 

Shuichi looked up at him, eyes serious. “There was no heart in it!”

 

Yuki was taken aback. What was the kid talking about?

 

“What do you mean?” His confusion must have shown because Shuichi half sat up to look him fully in the face, hands clenched in fists. He was really getting worked up about something.

 

“It doesn't reach out!” Shuichi said passionately. “It doesn't touch me, and talk to me!”

 

“It's just a story.” Yuki said flatly.

 

“But it could be so much more! It should say something! There's no….sparkle!”

 

Yuki really had no idea what the kid was saying. He looked down into those large eyes. There was passion there, fire. The kid always got so worked up about things. He really couldn't help it at all.

 

He thought about what Shuichi was saying. Yuki knew that when the boy sang, he gave everything of himself to that performance. He couldn't help it. Those songs were everything to him, and he poured his soul into every one. He would always want everything in this world to be the same. Even Yuki's books.

 

But Yuki wasn't Shuichi, and he didn't write like that. His readers didn't seem to mind, not if the sales were anything to go by. His mind drifted to the book he was in the middle of writing at the moment. Yuki wondered that if Shuichi read it, when it was finished, if he would recognise aspects of the main character. Yuki had found himself basing it more and more on his young lover. It had been a step away from his usual style, and surprisingly his editor had called him after the first draft to gush enthusiastically about this change and how it was going to explode off the charts when released and take the name of Eiri Yuki to new heights. Yuki really didn't care about that.

 

Maybe that's what Shuichi meant about `sparkle', having something there that you truly care about and infuse it into your work. He had felt good when writing this next book, especially whenever he was writing specifically for the main character. It hadn't seemed like such a drag. Was that how Shuichi felt with his singing all the time? Perhaps that was the secret to Shuichi's talent, the way he cared so deeply about so many things. How he wanted to make others feel those same things just as intensely as he did. To touch others in a way they would always remember.

 

He took in the face before him. It was a beautiful face, no two ways about it. Shuichi wore his heart on his sleeve. Every emotion the boy felt, he showed, he just couldn't help it. Except…now there was a shadow deep in those eyes. A darkness that Yuki could see now he was looking, truly looking, at Shuichi. He would give anything to be able to erase that shadow, and have Shuichi back to himself. The boy had become too good at hiding his feelings, at pretending. Yuki's guts churned. The boy was becoming too much like himself.

 

“I'm sorry, Yuki.” Shuichi said sitting back, letting his hands fall to his knees. “I shouldn't have said anything. I have no right to say anything about your books. What do I know about writing? I'm just a dumb kid.”

 

Yuki reached out and cupped the chin, careful to keep his grip light, and lifted the face, seeing the sadness in the eyes. “Asked your opinion, didn't I?” he said gruffly.

 

“Sort of, but…”

 

“If I ask, I expect you to tell me honestly. I don't need to hear any crap from you. I get enough brown-nosing from the publishers and my editor.”

 

“Oh,” Shuichi said, “You're sure? You're not mad?”

 

Yuki leant forward and brushed his lips over Shuichi's cheek. “No.” he leant back again. “Just don't make a habit of it.”

 

“Oh, sure!” and a bright smile lit the boy's face, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. Yuki gently tugged at Shuichi's shirt, and the boy leant forward and resettled himself back into his embrace.

 

Yuki could feel the boy's body completely relaxed against his. He watched as Shuichi slowly slid an arm across his stomach to circle his waist, turning his head more fully to rest it on Yuki's chest. He dropped his arm a bit further and wrapped it around the boy more fully, pressing him lightly against him, bringing his other hand up to rest on Shuichi's embracing arm. He left it like that, not changing position, letting Shuichi become comfortable with the closer embrace. This was more than the boy had allowed Yuki to do for weeks. Don't rush things, Yuki told himself, take it slowly.

 

“Yuki?” he heard the quiet question.

 

“Hmmm,”

 

“Is it…..okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“With….me?”

 

“Huh?” Yuki was feeling confused. The kid wasn't making a lot of sense at the moment.

 

“Is it…are you…okay with being…with me?”

 

“What do you think, brat?”

 

“I…don't ..know.” the answer was so soft Yuki almost hadn't heard it, but he did hear it, and the hesitant voice filled with doubt, made his chest tighten.

 

“Aren't you here?” he answered.

 

“Yes.” There was a pause. “But do you really….want….me here?”

 

Yuki could feel the shaking begin in the body wrapped in his arms. “If I didn't, I wouldn't have bothered.” he said firmly.

 

“Truly?”

 

“Why else?”

 

“Even though…I'm a guy?”

 

Now Yuki could hear the self-hatred, the loathing for what he was. Damn that Aizawa to the Seven Hells! He wanted to rip that man into pieces, pull out his still beating heart in front of his eyes, spray his blood across the room…..

 

His arms tightened unconsciously at these violent thoughts, and he immediately felt Shuichi tense and the muscles jerk in readiness for flight. He forced himself to calm, loosening his grip so it was no longer frightening, but not enough that the boy could flee him.

 

”I don't care about that,” he said, keeping his voice calm and practical. “Besides, you're a very pretty boy. And cute as well.”

 

Shuichi didn't seem to take much heart from that, and Yuki struggled with what else to say.

 

“Hey,” he said, running his hand up to capture the chin and lift the face. He was shocked to see tears there. Shuichi had been silently crying, tears still clinging to his lashes, the streaks visible on the cheeks. He saw the boy screw up his eyes, as though by doing so it would hide the tears from Yuki. He stroked a thumb across the wet cheek, wiping away a tear.

 

“What's this for?” he said quietly. “Don't take things so much to heart.” he said, continuing to stroke the soft cheek. “So what if you're a guy? So am I. Does that bother you?”

 

Shuichi opened his eyes quickly and shook his head vehemently. “No! Never! I love you the way you are!”

 

“Then why can't you accept that you're okay the way you are?” Yuki saw fresh tears begin to well in the eyes.

 

“Because people seem to think it is wrong. That I'm not supposed to be allowed to be happy. I just want to be happy! With you!”

 

Yuki clasped the weeping boy to his chest, wrapping his arms fully around the small body and half lifting it so Shuichi was practically sitting in his lap. He dropped his head to rest on the soft hair below him.

 

“Are you happy with me?” Yuki asked him quietly, hands rubbing soothing patterns over the boy's back.

 

“Yes,” was the muffled answer.

 

“Then what does it matter about any one else?”

 

“But you…I don't make you happy!” the wail arose from the buried face.

 

Yuki froze. Is that really what Shuichi thought? Had he created so many doubts in the boy that he didn't realise that the simple fact that Yuki had allowed him to remain here for so long was a definitive sign of just how happy Yuki was. Well, as close to being happy that Yuki was capable of feeling at present. But every day it seemed that something more had thawed in his soul - and that was because of this boy's presence alone.

 

“Shuichi,” he murmured awkwardly. “You do make me happy.” but then he was forced to be completely honest. “Sometimes. Other times you drive me crazy. Apart from the times you make me want to strangle you, or perhaps drown you. Then there are the times…”

 

“Okay, I get the message! I'm a pain, an annoying brat, a nuisance, a convenience at this point in your life! I'm not even certain what you think you're getting out of this! We don't even have …..” the voice drifted away, swallowing the word before continuing. “..anymore.”

 

“Will you just shut up, you idiot!” Yuki put in. “Yes, you're a pain, and a brat, and a nuisance! But you're my pain, brat and nuisance! Until I say otherwise, remember that! And as for what I get out of it. Well, is it supposed to be about `getting something' out of it? I thought all this romance relationship stuff you talk about is about just being with the person. Or have you changed you mind on that?”

 

`No!” Shuichi sat up, reaching out his hands and framing Yuki's face, looking into his eyes, his nose only a few inches away. “No, it's about being with the person you love! Not for any other reason except that they are the person they are. I'm with you because I love you, Yuki! Because you /are/ Yuki!”

 

“Then accept that I'm with you because of exactly who Shuichi is. Nothing more.”

 

“Really?”

 

“What other reason would I have to put up with all the bullshit you put me through?”

 

A small sad smile tugged at the corner of Shuichi's mouth, a little quirk, “I guess there is that. But….”

 

“Now what?!” Yuki said with some exasperation. He was getting exhausted himself from this emotional roller-coaster he was sharing with Shuichi at the moment.

 

“But we don't... I mean I haven't…I couldn't….” the boy was stammering so much he couldn't seem to put together a coherent sentence, but Yuki guessed what he meant and decided to put him out of his misery.

 

“You mean sex?” He was half amused to see Shuichi blush. After all they had done together, the boy could still blush. Even after all that had been done to him by those others. Perhaps that was a good sign.

 

“Uh, huh,” was Shuichi's hesitant response, fingers playing with a fold of Yuki's shirt.

 

“I guess it has been a while,” Yuki continued trying to sound very laid back. “Wondered if you had gone off me or something.”

 

“What?!” Shuichi looked up in surprised shock. “How could you ever think such a thing, Yuki?! Of course, I haven't gone off you! Who could?!”

 

Yuki shrugged, “Well, you just didn't seem too interested. Guess you've just been tired with all the work you've been doing.”

 

Shuichi dropped his eyes again. “Oh. Yes….my work.”

 

“Anyway,” Yuki continued. “Everything's not about sex. After all, you kept turning up here and bugging me before we had sex. And you've still been around even now when we haven't been having sex.”

 

“I guess so.”

 

Yuki shifted the body a little in his arms, dropping an arm to loop under the boy's knees and sliding him higher so he was fully sitting in his lap. He didn't feel Shuichi tense from this contact and so left his arms where they were.

 

“Look, the sex is good, sure. You're cute, hot, and you turn me on. But you've still got your life and things to do, and I've got mine, so there will always be other things that will take up our time. We can't have sex all the time. It would get pretty boring.”

 

“So….you…liked it?”

 

“What?”

 

“The…sex.”

 

“Are you thick or something?! If you couldn't figure out /that/, then you're stupider than I thought!”

 

“Hey!” Shuichi looked up at him fiercely. “You know what I mean! I know you got off on it, sure that's pretty clear! But did you /like/ it? Was it because you were with me, or was it just a way for you to get some release without having to jerk off on your own!”

 

“Hey, watch your mouth, kid!”

 

“Well?!” Shuichi almost shouted at him.

 

“How could I not enjoy it a hell of a lot more being with a hot, young lover, even if he is an annoying brat!”

 

`Then…then you do like it with me?” Shuichi asked in a pleading voice, seeking reassurance.

 

Yuki slid a hand around the boy's neck, fingers tangling in the unruly hair. He brought their foreheads together and dropped his voice. “Of course, I like it with you. Brat.”

 

He saw Shuichi's lip quiver with emotion, tears of relief slide from his eyes.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I love you.” and leant forward to press his lips against Yuki's.