Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ In Love and Hate ❯ Start the New Year with a Bang... ( Chapter 6 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: Kolie

Disclaimer: All of my little brain gnomes have been helping me write and have been solely concentrating on keeping me sane while working this fic so I'm still lacking in the catchy creativity department. So…humor yourselves some more and come up with your own. As said before…I don't own it, therefore, you can't sue me! You can try but I doubt you'll win…

Start the New Year With A Bang…

There was warmth surrounding him, comfortable warmth that he hadn't felt in so long. He tried to open his eyes but his eyelids were too heavy and somewhere in his head he heard a voice tell him that he had to wake up. He rolled over onto his side, snuggling up to the source of the warmth and burying his face in it. He faintly smelled the aromas of cigarettes and Adidas cologne, but passed them off as his own. Something started to shake him and he squeezed his eyes shut, wanting the voice to let him be so he could sleep for just a while longer, but it proceeded.

“Shuichi,” it said as whatever it was tried to wake him, “you need to wake up.”

He moaned quietly and rolled over, suddenly becoming aware of the smooth sheets as they slid across his bare legs and stomach. Naked! He was naked! What in the hell was he doing sleeping naked?

The voice persisted and the shaking became even harder. “Come on, Shuichi, wake up! I know you don't sleep that hard!”

That voice. He knew that voice and it wasn't the right one to be waking up to. Amethyst eyes flew open and Shuichi bolted upright in the bed, mentally groaning at himself when he recognized the apartment. He turned his head slightly and saw the brunette man sitting next to him with surprise in his eyes.

Shuichi groaned and put his head in his hands, pounding his palms into his forehead.

Idiot, idiot, idiot! he yelled at himself. You weak little IDIOT!

“Shuichi.” The man next to him put a hand on Shuichi's shoulder and frowned when Shuichi shrugged him away. “I know, I know,” he mumbled and dropped his head.

Tears filled Shuichi's eyes and dropped onto the sheets, turning the brilliant white to a dull and sinful grey. Sin. Everything he had done the night before had been full of sin, but yet he strangely didn't regret it. He regretted cheating on Tatsuha with Yuki of all people, but he had wanted it. He had wanted, and still did want, Yuki.

Shuichi groaned again and silent sobs shook his body. Yuki saw this and took the man into his arms, frowning as he felt him tense at first but sighing quietly when Shuichi melted into his embrace. The sobs became more hysterical and Shuichi shuddered violently in Yuki's arms. Not knowing what to do, Yuki gently ran his fingers through Shuichi's raven locks in long, even strokes. Arms found themselves wrapped around Yuki's waist and Shuichi gripped him tighter, wanting to make sure he was real but wishing that he wasn't at the same time.

After a few minutes, Shuichi relaxed enough to speak but kept his head on Yuki's chest. “Is this real?” he asked, wanting to hear the manifestation he thought was Yuki tell him that it wasn't.

Silence for a second then: “Yeah, it's real.”

Shuichi gripped Yuki tighter and kissed his chest softly. “I know.”

“How are you going to leave?” Yuki asked and pulled Shuichi away from him so he could look him in the face.

“Now that I don't know,” Shuichi said and looked down from the blue masks of Yuki's eyes to the sheets.

“Shuichi, look at me please.” Yuki put and hand under Shuichi's chin and used it to pull him close enough for a soft kiss. “I know that what we did was wrong, but…was it really?”

Shuichi stared into Yuki's eyes and spoke the unwavering truth. “Yes, Yuki, it was wrong in so many ways, but…I don't regret it.”

“Me neither,” Yuki said and kissed Shuichi's forehead.

“I still don't know how I'm going to get across the hall or how I'm going to face Tatsuha when I get there,” Shuichi said and chuckled quietly. “I won't live past an hour.”

“Can't you just tell him that you went to Hiro's or something?” Yuki asked and frowned, as his brother had, when he saw Shuichi flinch at the words. “What's wrong?”

“Hiro doesn't want to be around me anymore because of…this,” Shuichi said and held out his arms to let Yuki see the wounds and scars that had been masked by the veil of darkness from the night before.

Yuki ran his fingers lightly over the wounds and choked back a sob, as he had before. “Am…am I the reason?” he asked, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it directly from the source.

Shuichi nodded. “One of them.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault. I was…I was blinded by rage and panic when you kissed me that first time and wasn't thinking. I remembered…you know, before, and I was scared. I almost killed myself after you left, did Tatsuha tell you that?”

“No, he didn't,” Yuki mumbled. “I'm sorry.”

“Again, it's not your fault,” Shuichi said and kissed away the tears that dripped down Yuki's face. “I was lost and confused and wanted everything to go away. I didn't want it to be real.”

“What made you decide not to go through with it?”

“Tatsuha.”

Yuki visibly flinched at his brother's name and sighed. He knew that Tatsuha would have come into play sometime, but not in something so big.

“Is he home?” Shuichi mumbled.

“I don't know.”

“Where are my clothes?”

“On the floor.”

“Can you say something more than three-word phrases? I know that everything keeps coming back to Tatsuha, but…he's the one in my life now.”

“I know.”

Shuichi sighed and climbed out of the large bed to get dressed. He pulled on his boxers and jeans and was about to pull on his tee-shirt when he got a good idea. He undid his silver necklace and tossed it to Yuki with a smile.

“It'll give me a reason to come back,” he explained and pulled his shirt on before grabbing his jacket and leaving the room.

He was halfway to the door when impulse took over and he ran back to the brunette who had been out of bed long enough to pull his pants on. He threw his arms around Yuki's neck and kissed him deeply, passionately, before pulling away slowly.

“Aishiteru,…Eiri,” he mumbled and turned around and headed out the door.

More than anything, he wanted Yuki to run after him, to grab him and somehow convince him not to leave, but he didn't. Yuki knew as well as he did that they could never be together again. He didn't want to hurt Tatsuha, but he didn't want to make himself suffer, either.

Shuichi pulled the door open and peeked around the frame, checking to make sure that Tatsuha wasn't out there waiting for him or something equally as creepy. When he was sure that Tatsuha wasn't hiding in any corners, Shuichi crossed the hall to their door and turned the handle to see that it was locked.

Good so far, Shuichi thought and pulled his keys out of his pocket.

He pulled the door open a few minutes later and entered his home. The apartment was dead silent, too silent for…Shuichi checked his watch…eight-thirty in the morning. Tatsuha would normally have been up and moving by now.

Shuichi went back to their bedroom only to find that it too was empty, and frantically checked every other room in the house. It was empty, no other life but himself wandered throughout the apartment.

Shuichi slumped back into the kitchen and checked the counter for a note. A small notepad lay open next to the coffee maker and Shuichi groaned as he crossed the room to read the harsh words he knew were written there.

Shuichi, I don't know if you'll read this before I get home, but I'm leaving it just in case. I don't know if you lied to me last night and I don't know why you didn't come home, nor do I want to know, but if you did…I'm sorry. I don't know what I did to upset you, but I'm sorry. If you'rereading this, I'll be home later, okay? I went looking for you so don't worry too much. Aishiteru, Tatsuha.

A slight smile crossed Shuichi's face and he briefly contemplated on calling Tatsuha on his cell phone to let him know that he was home and alive and that…nothing had happened the night before. He had just run into Ben last night and they went out, that was all. He got drunk and Ben didn't trust him driving home so he told him to stay at his house for the night, and, since he had been too trashed to talk, he didn't call to tell him about his predicament. Yeah, that was it. Now all he had to do was make sure that Tatsuha hadn't called Ben the night before in worry and knew that he hadn't stayed at the American man's house.

Shuichi picked up the phone that was conveniently lying next to the paper and dialed Ben's number. Alexis answered on the second ring and told Shuichi that Ben wasn't there, and no, that Tatsuha hadn't called the night before looking for him. Shuichi sighed and told Alexis his plan. She was reluctant to agree at first, but after half an hour of constant persuading from Shuichi she finally caved in and agreed. Shuichi couldn't thank her enough, and Alexis ended up having to hang up on the man to get him to shut up.

A sigh escaped past the man's lips as his plan was set and in action. Maybe he would be able to get past Tatsuha this time. This time, but he wasn't sure about the next. But there wasn't going to be a next, was there? Shuichi didn't know. He had just told the brunette novelist that he loved him, after all. Shuichi groaned quietly and went to the bathroom to take a shower and wash the filth from his sin covered body.

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Christmas. Such a beautiful holiday, made even more beautiful by the snow that covered every inch of ground and building alike in the oversized city of Tokyo. Most parents had already been woken by their excited children by this time, and had already been through the annual ritual of opening presents and stuffing what room was left in their stomachs with a variety of delicious breakfast foods.

But, the two people who lived in apartment 8A were still fast asleep. Well, at least one of them was still asleep. The other lay perfectly still and stared at the rays of sunlight on the ceiling, trying to remember the dream that he woken up from. It had been good, he remembered that much. Or was it bad? Didn't you normally get jolted awake by nightmares or dreams that made too little sense to even dream about? That's what he had always been told, but this one was good. Bad dreams didn't leave you feeling warm and safe once you woke up.

Slowly, fragments of the dream came back to him and pieced themselves together. He closed his eyes and choked back a laugh when he remembered enough of the dream to get an idea of what it had been about. Okay, so maybe it had been bad, but not in the sense of a nightmare.

He opened his eyes again and glanced at the other lying next to him in the bed. Man, he slept harder than a rock sometimes. He sat up carefully, not wanting to wake the sleeping man, and kissed him lightly on the cheek before swinging his legs over the bed.

“Shuichi,” the man behind him groaned and lightly grabbed a handful of his shirt, “where are you going?”

“Merry Christmas, Tatsuha,” Shuichi said and kissed him again. “Now go back to sleep. I'm just gonna go out and see what's on tv.”

“Okay,” Tatsuha mumbled and rolled over onto his side before drifting off again.

Shuichi chuckled silently and quietly made his way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, still going over his dream. It had only been two days since he saw Yuki and he was already dreaming about him?

But why only dream when you can…, Shuichi cut his thoughts off and groaned quietly.

“No,” he whispered, “I'm with Tatsuha. I don't need him, I shouldn't even be thinking about him.”

Don't lie to yourself, little weak Shu-chan. You know you need him! Tatsuha's been good but he's not the same.

“He's not a replacement,” Shuichi growled and slammed the glass onto the counter. “I love him and he love's me. Eiri never loved me.”

Shuichi winced at the words but chose to ignore it. He didn't need another reason to be angry at himself. He left the kitchen and went into the living room. He grabbed the remote from the end table and plopped down onto the couch, turning the television on as he did. As usual for Saturday mornings, nothing was on but news, cartoons, and infomercials. A familiar voice echoed out of the tv and he paused, gazing longingly a the beautiful face on the screen.

The man's blue eyes shined with happiness and he laughed heartily at something the reporter had asked him. He wore a navy polo shirt and jeans and a pair of… Where those tennis shoes?

“I guess people do change,” he mumbled for what seemed to the hundredth time.

The man ran his fingers through his brown hair, now colored with blonde highlights, and laughed again. Shuichi moaned quietly and told himself to change the channel, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Something hard with a sharp corner nailed him in the back of the head, and he turned to see Tatsuha glaring at the tv set.

“There's a box of tissues, now wipe the drool off you face and let's eat some breakfast,” he growled and left the man who was opening and closing his mouth in confusion. He looked like a fish out of water.

You weak little bastard, his conscience laughed and faded away.

Shuichi shook his head and turned the tv off before going to Tatsuha in the kitchen.

“What do you want to eat?” Tatsuha mumbled and dug around in the fridge.

“Cereal's fine,” Shuichi replied and pulled a box of Fruit Loops out of the pantry.

“No, it's not. It's Christmas so we gotta have something good.”

“Whatever,” Shuichi muttered and put the cereal back.

“I talked to Hiro yesterday,” Tatsuha said, wanting to keep conversation.

An instant sadness filled Shuichi's eyes and he bowed his head. He hadn't heard from or spoken to Hiro since the day of their photo shoot. “And?”

“Not much. He just told me to give you this card,” Tatsuha said and pulled a business card out from underneath a magnet on the refrigerator. “I think it's a good idea.”
Shuichi took the cared and read the name. “Doctor Ezra Grather. He's a…therapist? What the hell is up with this?” he yelled.

“Yes, a therapist. I think it'll be good,” Tatsuha said and set a plate of scrambled eggs and toast down in front of Shuichi.

“Why? So I'll be diagnosed as crazy and be put on pills? Yeah, I really think that's gonna help me a lot, Tatsuha.”

“No, you're not crazy; you just need someone neutral to talk to. Someone who won't judge you.”

“You mean someone who's paid not to judge me? There's a difference between talking to you and talked to a therapist,” he yelled. “I can't believe you!”

“At least think about it,” Tatsuha whispered. “Please, Shuichi.”

“What's there to think about? I've already made up my mind,” he snapped and stood up.

“Please, Shuichi,” Tatsuha repeated and caused Shuichi to stop in the doorway.

“Fine,” he mumbled and left the kitchen with his eggs untouched.

They didn't do much that day, just lounged around the house and exchanged gifts. Shuichi's mind kept wandering to the man next door and what he was doing. He hated himself for thinking those things around Tatsuha, on Christmas of all days, but he couldn't control himself. He wanted Yuki, he admitted that to himself, but he wanted Tatsuha more. Or was it the other way around? His conscience just seemed to make him even more confused and angry at himself, but his thoughts kept coming. He kept thinking of burying his fingers in shaggy brunette locks, staring into crystal blue eyes while Yuki made love to him. They just wouldn't stop coming. He even cut himself a few times to try to cast away the thoughts, but they seemed immune to the blood shed.

He thought about the card in this pocket and when good could possibly come out of talking to an old quack. Nothing, but being put on pills or thrown into a mental hospital. But, what harm could it do? The pills, although inconvenient, could help to make him better. They had helped Ben, after all, so why no him, too? The hospital wouldn't help much, but maybe he just needed a good, harsh look at reality. Thinking about that just helped to make him even more confused (It didn't help that his conscience now kept calling him a week littlepsychotic bastard, either.).

Tatsuha sensed the obvious stress in his lover and tried to comfort him in the best ways he could: sex and comforting words. The words didn't do too much, but after sex Shuichi seemed calmer than he had without it. Tatsuha wished he could help Shuichi through whatever his problems were, but without knowing what they were he couldn't do much help. Shuichi never talked to him as much as he used to, they mainly only talked during sex or when they fought. He hated it, being totally oblivious to what was distressing his lover, but was content at the same time. He had a feeling that he really wouldn't like what was bugging Shuichi, and his feelings were usually right. He figured that it had something to do with his brother, and that could only mean problems.

Tatsuha tried as hard as he could to get Shuichi to open up, he even mentioned his upcoming tour in a failed attempt to get him pumped up, but nothing worked. Shuichi was lost in his own world of pain, despair, and confusion, and there was nothing that Tatsuha, or anyone else, could do to help him.

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January first, the beginning to a new year with all new twists and surprises. Two days before, Tatsuha had gone to visit his father at the temple and to tell him about going to the States with Bad Luck in four days. This left Shuichi alone for three days to take care of the house and find something interesting to do. He went to see Yuki, and, of course, they ended up in bed together again. H had come to see the man six times already since Christmas and wanted to see him one last time before they left to the U.S.

They laid in each other's arms for a while afterward, basking in their love, burning in their sin. Yuki held Shuichi closer than usual this time and his every breath moved Shuichi's bangs and tickled his brow.

“I'm leaving tomorrow,” Shuichi mumbled.

“I know,” Yuki said and kissed the top of Shuichi's head.

“Are you coming or staying here?”

“There's no way for me to go without being in deep shit, so I'm staying here.”

“Incognito is never a problem,” Shuichi said. “Just look at yourself in the mirror.”

Yuki chuckled and ran a hand through his dyed locks. “It's sexy, though.”

“Never said that it wasn't,” Shuichi laughed and pulled away from Yuki.

Yuki smiled and allowed Shuichi to take his lips up in a kiss.

“Why do you keep doing this?” Yuki mumbled when they pulled away. “I hope you know that you're driving me insane.”

“You were insane before you even met me,” Shuichi said and kissed down Yuki's neck to his collar bone.

Yuki laughed and pulled the man away from his job. “That's not the point,” he said seriously.

Shuichi gasped and his eyes grew wide before he turned his head and to look away from Yuki. The brunette had other plans, however, and put his hand under Shuichi's chin so he would look at him.

“I know,” Shuichi mumbled and let Yuki kiss him.

When they pulled apart, Yuki kissed away the salty tears on Shuichi's face. “I think you should go before Tatsuha gets back,” he said.

Shuichi nodded and pulled away from Yuki's warm embrace, shivering slightly from the chill outside the blankets. He pulled on his clothes and returned to Yuki once more to give him a passionate kiss.

“I'll miss you,” he said truthfully.

“And I'll miss you,” Yuki muttered and kissed Shuichi once more before letting him leave.

Yuki stayed in his bed until he heard the front door click shut, and then he got up and pulled on a pair of sweats. After, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer and a cancer stick to satisfy his nicotine craving.

He hated what Shuichi was doing to him, and Tatsuha for that matter, but he loved it at the same time. There was a sort of sly, sneakiness to what they were doing…a sort of adrenaline rush. It made him feel more alive than he had in ages.

Yuki took one last long drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out in the ashtray before going into the bathroom. He stared at his reflection in the mirror for a while, boring into the fake blueness of his own eyes. He was still hiding, but did he really need to? The person he had wanted to hide from the most had already figured him out, so what else was there to hide from? He couldn't keep writing every other book under a pseudonym or else it was going to destroy him. Twice the number of books in barely even enough time to write one, the stress was astounding.

A sharp pain seared through his head as his cell phone started to ring and he downed four ibuprofens before answering it.

“Ue-Ullman, speaking.”

“Eiri?” Yuki growled silently in his throat at the voice.

“Yes, Tatsuha? How can I help you?”

“I…uh, I was just wondering if you've talked to Shuichi lately,” Tatsuha said; the slight quavering in his voice made Yuki wrinkle his brow.

“In passing,” he said, interested in where this conversation was going. “Why?”

“Just wondering. He's never home anymore and I don't know where he goes. I just wondered if you happened to know anything about it.”

“Sure don't. He's home now, though. I just passed him on the way out. Maybe you should try talking to him.”

Why are you helping this bastard? he asked himself.

Because you know that he's what's best for Shuichi, his conscience answered.

“Oh, you're sure?” Tatsuha asked.

“Positive. I can call for you, but you could also do that yourself.”

“No, don't worry about it. I'm almost back to Tokyo, so I'll talk to him later.”

“Whatever.”

“Thanks,” Tatsuha said and hung up.

“Bastard,” Yuki said and punched the off button on his cell phone before throwing it back onto the coffee table.

A small glint of metal caught the corner of his eye and he crossed the living room to pick up the source. It was Shuichi's necklace; he still hadn't remembered to take it with him when he left today.

Then take it to him. His conscience rang out in his head and he fought against it.

“No. If Tatsuha gets home before he lets me leave, we'll both be fucked.”

You've got time. Tatsuha's not even to Tokyo yet.

“No, but he's almost to Tokyo.”

Pussy.

“Fuck you,” Yuki said and shook his head when he realized that he'd been talking to himself.

Pussy.

“Fine!” he growled to himself. “I'll take it, but it'll be quick and I'll be back home before Tatsuha even sets foot near this building.”

He returned to his bedroom and threw on a tee-shirt before grabbing the necklace and heading out the door. The cold marble of the hallway stung his feet and he thought about running back for a pair of shoes, or at least some slippers, but it would take too much time.

He knocked once…no answer. Twice…still no answer. Three times…he knew that Shuichi was in there and pressed his ear to the door when he knocked again. A barely audible grumble echoed through the door and Yuki tried the handle. It was open. He pushed open the door and didn't see anything but the winter sunset shining through one of the open blinds over the windows.

“Shuichi?” he asked, but there was no answer. “Shuichi?” This time he got another small grumble and it brought his attention to the open kitchen door…and…”No.”
Yuki ran to the open door and found what he had been dreading. The red reflection he had seen on the door had been from the light reflecting off a puddle of blood that was slowly forming around Shuichi's body. It stained the sterile while linoleum floor crimson and, once he got a hold of himself, Yuki ran to the man's side to help him.

“Shuichi? Shuichi! Open your eyes!” he yelled and slapped him lightly across the face.

“Hm, Yu…ki,” Shuichi mumbled as he opened his unfocused eyes.

“What the hell, Shuichi,” Yuki said and rubbed his eyes in irritation at the tears that were welling up in them. He searched the kitchen and found a phone and a couple of dish towels to wrap around Shuichi's wrists to stem the blood flow.

When he was back next the man with the towels wrapped firmly around his wrists, Yuki frantically dialed for an ambulance and told them all they needed to know before hanging up on them. When he returned his attention back to the man lying in his lap, he saw that Shuichi's eyes were closed again.

“Shuichi!” he yelled and smacked him again. “Wake up, Shu!”

Shuichi cracked his eyes again and tried to focus on Yuki's face, but his vision was grey around the edges. “Yuki…, I…what?”

The confusion was apparent in Shuichi's eyes and Yuki couldn't stop his tears any longer. “Why did you do this, Shuichi?” he asked the man.

Shuichi's eyes rolled back into his head and Yuki screamed at him frantically to wake up, but got no reaction. The towels were already soaked with blood so he replaced one with his tee-shirt and the other with the other extra towel. Yuki winced at heat of Shuichi's shed blood on his chest, but knew that he had other things to worry about. He checked Shuichi's pulse and felt over his lips, relived to see that he was still breathing. He held the man close to him and was relived when the paramedics arrived a few minutes later.

He was reluctant to step aside for the paramedics to work, but was forced away anyway. As he stood watching the medics do what the could to make sure that Shuichi would make it to the hospital, Yuki kept going over the word he had seen that was finished by the cut on his left wrists. “Masochist.”

TBC...

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A/N: I know, I know…horrible place to leave off. Sorry if this chapter sucked, too. I was dumb and rushed through it because I wanted to get it done before Thanksgiving. Well, guess what, it's done before Thanksgiving and that's all that matters. And…sorry for any grammar errors, I was barely had enough time to finish this so I really didn't have time to revise it. And yeah, I'm still gonna have to take that little break I mentioned in the beginning author's note. It sucks, but my little fluff-fest's coming along good. Look for it soon! It's called The Way to A Man's Heart?, and, yeah, it's another Gravi fic. I just love Gravitation!

Welp, thanks to: clueless97, CassiToTheStars, kriziamoon, Celace, Bisexual Pygmy, subzero13, tati, ShatterDesire, and GravityNeko. Oh yeah…to Lenora-chan, too (I can't remember if you told me your review or not, but thanks if you did). My loyal reviewers! I love you all! You make me a very happy person! Well, until chapter seven…ja!