Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ In My Life ❯ Memories Lose Their Meaning ( Chapter 5 )

Waste of space: Nya ho! We’re getting down to the wire here. It won’t be too long before this fic is over and I can get back to that thing called “life” (which I’ll probably waste by starting another fic :P).

Eiri: I have a question about this fic. Can I stop being a pussy now?

Spazz: Nope. During this chapter you’ll probably get even pussier.

Eiri: Shit.

Shuuichi: Well, at least the pussified Yuki is nice to me.

Eiri: Shut up, brat!

Spazz: All right, all right, no fighting, now. Why don’t you just make out for my amusement or something?

Disclaimer, courtesy of Ryuuichi: “Ooh, a disclaimer! What’s that? Is it something yummy? Or maybe it’s something sparkly? I love sparkly things! Sparkly sparkly sparkly!”

Chapter completed: 2005.05.25

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In My Life

Chapter 5: Memories Lose Their Meaning

Author: Sailorspazz

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The time had finally come. It was the morning after Eiri and Shuuichi had arrived in New York and the two men were in a taxi on their way to the graveyard where the body of Kitazawa Yuki was buried. Eiri had previously contemplated going alone, but he realized that he wanted--no, needed--Shuuichi to be there with him. The young man was a remarkable source of support for him, so it would be much easier to go through with his planned goodbye to Yuki with his lover by his side. Plus, Shuuichi deserved to hear what he was going to say. He had waited long enough to learn what Eiri’s true feelings were.

Their cab stopped and the lovers stepped out into the sunny warmth of the New York spring afternoon. They quietly made their way through several rows of graves before Eiri stopped in front of the one labeled “Yuki Kitazawa”. The older man stared at the headstone silently for quite some time, suddenly wearing a distraught expression on his face. He seemed like he was about to start speaking several times, but never successfully uttered any complete words.

Shuuichi could see that his lover was struggling to get out whatever he was trying to say and figured that Eiri would have an easier time if he gave him some privacy. “Uh, I’ll go sit on that bench over there so you can-”

“No.” Both his sentence and his attempt to walk away were cut short when Eiri grabbed his hand, tightly interlacing their fingers together. “Stay,” Eiri implored quietly, convincing his lover to remain by his side with his simple one-word plea. He seemed to have gained a significant dose of comfort just from holding the younger man’s hand and feeling the matching rings they wore being squeezed tightly against each other. Eiri took in a deep breath and looked down to the ground below him with a new sense of conviction.

“Eight years...it’s been almost eight years now since the day I killed you. But your life and the lives of your friends weren’t the only ones that ended that day. I felt like my life ended, too. Everything I had hoped for, everything I had believed was possible in my life...it was all taken away from me that day. I thought you cared about me. I thought the feelings I’d developed for you were a reflection of how you’d felt about me from before the time I when was mature enough to realize it...but I was wrong. That fact was made painfully clear by what you did to me. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if you were ignorant of how much I cared about you, but you knew how I felt and you still went through with it. If you didn’t know it before that day, surely you must have realized it when we kissed...I would have gladly become your lover if you’d wanted me to.”

Shuuichi raised an eyebrow at that revelation. Eiri had never told him that he had actually kissed Yuki. He'd said to him before that he had revealed all of his secrets, but there were obviously some parts of the story that had been left out. Then again, Shuuichi remembered Eiri telling him that his memories about his past had been fuzzy for many years. Maybe he hadn’t been able to recall that day in such detail at the time he told Shuuichi about it. As understanding as he wanted to be of what his lover was going through, he still couldn’t help but feel jealous that Eiri was saying more in just one minute of his speech to a dead man than he usually said to Shuuichi in a single day. But didn’t the fact that he wanted to Shuuichi to stay with him while he talked to Yuki mean that he was really talking to Shuuichi as well?

Eiri was already getting more emotional than he wanted to be and had to swallow a huge lump in his throat before he could continue. “You had a chance to make things right. When your friends came over, you could have told them that you couldn’t go through with the sick little plan you’d cooked up. But you didn’t. Apparently, my feelings didn’t matter to you at all. Maybe you and your friends were planning on killing me afterward anyway so you figured it made no difference that I was in love with you. But things didn’t quite turn out how you expected, did they? Instead of me dying and the rest of you surviving to probably do the same thing to some other innocent kid, it turned out to be the other way around.

“But you know what? There were times when I really wished that you had killed me. Despite what you did to me, I continued to love you. I loved you so much. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I was the one who killed you, and even though I never actually tried to commit suicide, I really didn’t care whether I lived or died anymore. I was soon forced to forget about you when I started going to counseling and taking medication, but I could still feel something for you in the back of my mind. Over the past couple of years I’ve regained my memories of you, and I realized that after all this time my love for you was still there.”

‘I’m so jealous,’ Shuuichi thought to himself, ‘He can say he loves that dead man with no effort at all, yet he’s never said those words to me.’ He was startled when he saw Eiri suddenly look at him after thinking those words. ‘Holy crap, is he reading my mind or something?’ The older man said nothing to Shuuichi and looked back to the grave to continue speaking.

“This kid standing next to me is Shuuichi. He’s been my lover for the past couple of years. Yeah, I guess my feelings for you were an indication of something.” Eiri paused to let out a humorless chuckle. He had told Shuuichi so many times that he wasn’t gay, but the fact remained that the only two people Eiri had ever had romantic feelings for were men. “It’s mostly because of him that I started to remember you again, and it’s been unfortunate for him since I realized I still had feelings for you. When I remembered, I wanted to hold on to those emotions. I even told Shuuichi that I could never love him because I would always be in love with you. I really felt that there was no way I could ever get over you. But Shuuichi managed to show me differently. For a long time after I came back to Japan, I didn’t feel anything for anyone. I didn’t want to care about others, because I assumed I would just be betrayed again. Then Shuuichi came along, and he taught me to actually feel something again. But as I started to remember you, I got confused by the feelings I had for him. They were similar to how I felt about you, and that realization made me feel even guiltier about killing you. The guilt was too much for me to handle, and I wanted to imagine that you were still alive, so I began to think of Shuuichi as your replacement. It was comforting to think that you were still living on in the form of another person I cared about. I guess it was the only way I could justify having feelings for someone else when I still couldn’t deal with what happened in the past. But I only became more and more confused as more memories came back to me. I began to act differently toward him, and Shuuichi noticed. He called me out on what I was doing and walked out on me because of it. That was when I realized how unfair I was being to him, and that’s why I’m standing here before you today.

“You know, now that I think about it, it really makes no sense to think of Shuuichi as your replacement. You two are nothing alike at all. It would probably be more accurate to think of him as a replacement for myself as a teenager, and the current me as a replacement for you. Shuuichi fell blindly in love with me without any thought about how I might feel about him, just like I did with you. And just like you I ended up using him. It may not have been as bad as the way you used and betrayed me, but it was still hurtful to him. However, unlike you I actually care about the young man who fell in love with me, and I want to make things right. And so...”

Shuuichi could hear Eiri’s voice beginning to quiver and could feel the shaking of the hand that was still clinging to his own. He looked up to the older man’s face and was shocked to see the gorgeous amber eyes he loved so much filling with tears. Shuuichi had only seen his lover cry on a couple of occasions, and it usually seemed to have something to do with Kitazawa Yuki. He hated to see how much pain still plagued Eiri because of that man. All he could do was give his hand a reassuring squeeze, which seemed to console Eiri enough to the point where he could continue his speech without breaking down.

“And so I’m giving you up. This has gone on long enough. I can’t spend my whole life pining for you and wishing that fateful day never happened. It did happen, and I have to get over it. You betrayed me and I killed you. Logically, there’s no reason for me to feel guilty about it, since you were the one who wronged me first. Of course, my feelings for you made things a lot more complicated than that, but I’ve come to realize that you’ve done nothing to deserve those feelings. You never cared about me at all, and you felt no remorse for letting your friends rape me. Putting aside my feelings for you, I realize that you were an asshole. A complete asshole. There’s no reason to continue loving someone to whom I meant so little, especially when someone else who clearly cares about me is caused so much pain because of it. Shuuichi said he would be okay with it if I continued to love you, but I know that’s a lie. He wants to have my love all to himself, and it’s about time I gave it to him. I can’t continue to make this incredible young man suffer because of you.”

‘Incredible young man?!’ Shuuichi repeated mentally in disbelief. ‘He’s lost it. Yuki’s broken.’ This was not the man who was always telling him to shut up and die. Something was very different about him. Then again, perhaps his normal behavior toward Shuuichi was a cover up for what he really thought about him, and only when speaking to a dead person was he able to reveal his true feelings. He heard a sniffle from the older man and saw that the tears that had been forming in his eyes earlier were now beginning to spill down his cheeks. The sight was so heartbreaking Shuuichi nearly began crying himself.

“I can’t keep on loving you. It’s too painful for Shuuichi. He doesn’t want to share me, and I’m not going to make him anymore. I’m going to forget about you. You’ve monopolized my love for too long, and it’s time to give someone else that honor. Because he deserves it. You don’t.” Eiri fell to his knees as quiet sobs finally overtook him. Shuuichi dropped to the ground next to him and wrapped his arms around his lover, attempting to comfort him even as tears began to slip from his own eyes.

“It’s okay, Yuki, it’s okay. I’m here for you, everything’s all right,” Shuuichi said in a soothing tone, stroking Eiri’s hair reassuringly. The older man clutched him back tightly as he cried against his shoulder. Shuuichi was happy that Eiri was planning to give up Kitazawa Yuki for him, but he worried that it might be too much for Eiri’s fragile emotional psyche to bear. Shuuichi remembered during the times he and Eiri had been broken up that he had been unable to forget about him, so he could only imagine how hard it would be for Eiri to forget someone he had been in love with since several years before he and Shuuichi had even met. The fact that he had broken down just from saying that he was going to give him up indicated that this wasn’t going to be easy on him. Shuuichi suddenly felt guilty. Eiri was doing this because he was worried that Shuuichi would break up with him if he didn’t and had probably pushed himself farther than he was ready to go emotionally. He didn’t believe it was necessary for his lover to go “cold turkey” as far as remembering the man he had once loved if he was going to suffer from doing so.

The sobs of the man enveloped in the singer’s arms finally began to die down. He tilted the older man’s face up and was surprised to see that even after such an emotional display his eyes had transformed back to the cold gaze he normally wore. “You okay, Yuki?”

“Yeah,” Eiri said as he rose from his kneeling position and brushed the remnants of grass clippings from his pant legs.

Shuuichi sighed as he stood up as well. ‘Back to the same old Yuki, I guess.’ He thought that Eiri’s bearing of his soul might cause him to show a little more affection toward Shuuichi, but perhaps that was too much for him to expect. “Say, Yuki? Uh, about what you were just saying to Kitazawa-san, I don’t think you have to-”

“Not now.”

“Huh?”

Eiri put a hand against his forehead, appearing to have developed a headache judging from the pained expression on his face. “I’m a bit burned out right now and I don’t really feel like talking about it. Save your comments and questions for later.”

Shuuichi still looked like he wanted to say something, but decided to respect his lover’s wishes. There was no point in trying to force Eiri to talk to him if he clearly didn’t want to.

The pink-haired man was surprised when he felt his lover grab his hand to lead him out to the street to call a taxi. “Why don’t we do some sightseeing today?” Eiri suggested offhandedly.

“Eh?”

“You didn’t really get to see any New York landmarks when you got dragged here the first time, right? I thought I’d show you around this time.”

Shuuichi raised a sly eyebrow. “You mean...like a date?”

Eiri gave the younger man a glare. “Do you want to act like a dumbass, or do you want to see the sights of the city?”

“Can’t I do both?” Shuuichi asked as he shot an innocent wide-eyed look to his lover.

Eiri smirked. “Well, with you I guess there’s no other option.”

The two men spent most of the day exploring New York City, taking in such sights as the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and Central Park. Shuuichi became puzzled when Eiri suddenly closed off to him emotionally even more so than usual after they left the graveyard. Maybe he was being especially guarded since he had lost control and broken down in tears earlier, but it was still disappointing to Shuuichi that his lover completely stopped showing affection toward him the entire day. He thought he should be feeling ecstatic since Eiri had basically said that he was going to give all of his love to Shuuichi from now on, but it was hard to feel happy when he was having trouble gauging whether his lover was emotionally prepared to go through with what he had promised. He didn’t like feeling like he had forced Eiri to make a possibly heartbreaking decision, but he couldn’t talk about it since Eiri had said he didn’t want to. Shuuichi wasn’t going to make a scene in public, but once they got back to their hotel room, he would make sure his opinion was heard.

Later that evening, the lovers reached their hotel and had dinner at the same restaurant as the night before, only with Eiri there to read the menu they were able to dine more lavishly than their previous meal of beer and spaghetti. Once they made it back to the room, Eiri barely had the chance to shut the door before Shuuichi leaped up and tightly attached himself to his torso, wrapping his legs and arms securely around him.

“Oh, Yuki, are you okay? How are you feeling? Do you need to cry? You can cry on my shoulder if you want to.”

“Who’s the one crying here?” Eiri said flatly, wiping a tear from Shuuichi’s face with his thumb.

The younger man hadn’t even realized that he had begun to weep. “I’m sorry...I wanted to be strong for you, but...”

“When did I ever say you need to ‘be strong’ for me, whatever that means?” He looked down to the young man still firmly attached to him. “Are you going to let go of me any time soon?” Shuuichi shook his head vigorously, causing Eiri to sigh. He walked across the room with his lover wrapped around him and deposited him on the bed, lying down next to him and folding his arms behind his head. Shuuichi immediately snuggled up to him and looked hesitant for a moment before finally speaking.

“About what you said earlier at Kitazawa-san’s grave...do you really think I’m an incredible young man?” Eiri glared at him and Shuuichi laughed awkwardly. “Wait, that’s not what I wanted to ask. About you giving up your feelings for Kitazawa-san...you didn’t have to do that for me.”

“Maybe not, but I did have to do it for me.”

More silence followed before Shuuichi ventured timidly, “Did you really mean it? Are you sure about this, Yuki?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you seemed so upset earlier, and then you closed yourself off to me. If forgetting about him is going to make you sad, then you don’t have to do it. I want you to be happy, Yuki, even if it means I’m not the only one in your heart.”

Eiri smirked. “What happened to the selfish kid who’d do anything to have me all to himself?”

“He grew up and realized your happiness means even more to him than his own.”

“Well, we seem to be faced with a bit of a conundrum here. If we’re both most concerned with the other person’s happiness but we believe in opposite solutions to make the other person happy, what course of action should we take?”

“Uh...”

“The answer: I’m always right, and you’re total dumbass, so I’ll be the one to make the decision.” Eiri took a second to grin at the cute glare Shuuichi aimed at him then looked at the younger man with great seriousness in his eyes. “I’ve thought about this a lot today and trust me, in the long run it’s much better for me to forget about him. Even if it’s hard on me at first, it’s just not healthy to keep thinking about him all my life. Nothing good can come from it. It just makes you sad and makes me feel depressed because even though some of the memories I have are pleasant, I still can’t help thinking about how I killed him. In the end, me forgetting about him will make both of us happier.”

“Well, if you think it’s for the best, I’ll support whatever decision you make.” Shuuichi smiled and pulled his lover into a hug. “I love you so much, Yuki. I’m glad that you’re thinking about our relationship like this, though I wish you could have done it without practically ignoring me the whole day.”

“I didn’t want to say anything about it in public, since I knew you’d probably make a big scene and start crying or something.”

“Hmph. Do you really think so little of me?”

“I think you should change that to, ‘do you really know me so well?’” Eiri said, pointing to the tears in Shuuichi’s eyes.

“Those don’t count, they haven’t actually come out!”

“Close enough. I was still right to wait until we were alone. Things would be so much easier for us if you could just admit that I’m never wrong.”

“Wah, I hate you, stupid Yuki!”

Seeming to only be half-listening to what Shuuichi was saying, Eiri was suddenly perplexed by an issue he hadn’t thought about before. “Maybe I should change my penname,” he suggested absently.

The younger man paused in his tirade. “Huh?”

“I’m supposed to be forgetting about Kitazawa, right? It’s kind of hard to do that when I’m going around using his name all the time.”

“I see. Do you know what you want to change it to?”

“No, I just thought of it right now, so I don’t have any ideas yet.”

“Well, maybe I can help you think of something.” Shuuichi scrunched up his face in thought for a moment and turned to Eiri with a silly grin. “You could use my name if you want.”

Eiri imagined himself as a sixteen-year-old once more erasing the name “Uesugi” from his homework and replacing it with two new kanji. Shindou Eiri. It caused him to both smile with merriment and laugh out loud at the absurdity. “That doesn’t sound right at all. Besides, I originally picked my penname because it came from someone who inspired me to write, not someone who does everything in his power to distract me from my craft.”

“Hmph! Fine then, see if I ever try to help you aga-” Shuuichi was cut off when his lover’s lips suddenly claimed his own unexpectedly. When Eiri released him all of the younger man’s irritation seemed to have faded away, just as Eiri had thought it would. Shuuichi was so easy to sooth sometimes.

As he settled comfortably into his lover’s arms, Shuuichi was struck by a thought of his own. “Hey, if you’re gonna change your name, does that mean I shouldn’t call you Yuki anymore?”

Another issue Eiri hadn’t thought about. Though he sometimes grew tired of hearing Shuuichi screech that name at him dozens of times per day, he wasn’t sure whether he could get used to having the young man call him by any other name. “I don’t know. I guess so.”

“So, should I call you Eiri then?”

“Why don’t you try it out?”

“Okay. Uh, hi Eiri.”

“No, not like that. You have to whine it.”

“Eh?”

“I know that coming from you the most common way I’m going to hear my name will be the form of whining, so that’s the only proper way for you to try it out.”

Shuuichi sweatdropped. “Uh, okay then. Eiriiii...Eiriiii.”

“Hmm. I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”

“Okay, how about this, then...Uesugiiii.”

“Ugh, definitely not that.”

“Well, I could call you by a pet name or something...Darliiiing!” Shuuichi saw the death glare emanating from his lover’s eyes and laughed nervously. “Eh heh heh, maybe not.”

“The way you call me Yuki is practically like a pet name already. Everyone else who uses it says it politely with a -san or -sensei attached. You’re the only one who calls me just plain Yuki. You’ve been using it for so long now that I’m not sure you’d be able to switch over to something else.” Eiri conveniently left out the fact that he had grown accustomed to his lover’s name for him and didn’t feel comfortable having him change what he called him by.

“Hmm...Well, maybe it’s okay for you to keep using his name. You said that you started using it because he inspired your writing, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You said today that you were going to give up on your love for him, right? That doesn’t mean you have to give up your memories of him completely. You can keep remembering him for being the person who encouraged you to write and continue using his name as your penname. I fell in love with you as Yuki Eiri, and I have no problem continuing to love you as Yuki Eiri even if that name was taken from someone you once loved. I have no reason to be jealous of him anymore.”

‘This kid’s a lot more sensible than I give him credit for,’ Eiri thought with a smile. “All right, if you think it’s okay, I’ll continue to be Yuki Eiri for you.”

Shuuichi wrapped his arms around Eiri and squeezed him briefly before sitting up on the bed. “Okay, let’s watch some TV or something now.” He took the remote control in his slender hands and began to flip through the channels rapidly.

“You trying to give me a seizure or something? Why don’t you just settle on one thing?”

“But I don’t understand any of this stuff.”

“Since we came all the way to America, maybe you should practice your English a little bit.”

“Eh? But I hate studying. I came here to have fun,” Shuuichi whined.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand Japanese,” Eiri replied in English.

Shuuichi wrinkled his face in concentration. “I...no like study. It not fun.”

“No, no, that should be, ‘I don’t like to study. It’s not fun,’” Eiri said.

“Oh, who cares?” Shuuichi said, switching back to their native language. “I’m never gonna be good at it, and anytime I’m around English speakers I’ll probably have you or K or someone else to help me out.”

“What did you say? I only understand English.”

“Etto...I never be good English. People to help me will be with me.”

“‘Etto’ isn’t English, dumbass. You should say ‘uh’ or ‘umm’ for a filler noise,” Eiri corrected him in Japanese.

“Gah, you’re so picky! Not everyone is as smart as you are, you know! I struggle to just make broken sentences in English, while you can speak it fluently and even do different accents and stuff.”

“Accents?”

“Yeah, I noticed a couple of times today when we were walking around that you spoke a little differently sometimes. You know, like when those girls came up to us?”

“Oh, that?” Eiri chuckled. “I guess you could call that a ‘gay accent.’ It’s the quickest way possible to repel girls who might try to come up and hit on you. People could see you and me walking together and think we might be a couple, but,” Eiri made the switch from Japanese to ‘flaming English,’ “If I talk like I’m a totally fabulous gay man, they get the picture lickety-split.”

“Eh? What was that last part you said?”

“I’m not sure if I can translate that back into Japanese, so just trust me when I say there are ways of speaking that make it very clear to American women that you’re not interested. But enough about that, you’re supposed to be practicing your English.”

“Damn.” Shuuichi was hoping that he had distracted Eiri enough to make him forget what they had been doing before.

Eiri changed over to English again. “Now, tell me about what you do for a living.”

“Ah, mou, don’t want study!”

“‘Mou’ isn’t English, either.”

“I want do other thing with you.”

Eiri ignored his mistakes and replied, “Like what?”

“Make love to me,” Shuuichi purred.

Eiri smirked and spoke in Japanese again, “That’s the only thing you’ve said correctly in English so far. Did you learn English watching porno movies or something?” Shuuichi only giggled in response. “All right, since you managed to say something right, I’m going to reward you in a couple of different ways. Your first reward is that I won’t make you speak English anymore.”

“Yay!” Shuuichi said, ironically using one of the standard English buzzwords in his vocabulary. “And how else are you going to reward me?” the younger man inquired seductively, obviously expecting sex.

Eiri was never one to want to do what was expected of him. “I’m going to tell you a secret.”

“A secret?” Shuuichi sounded a little disappointed. He didn’t like the idea that Eiri was still keeping secrets from him after being together for two years.

“Yes. I know I told you before that I didn’t have any secrets left, but I promise that this is the last thing I’ve been keeping from you.”

“How do I know that you really mean it this time?”

“You have to trust me. I would have told you sooner, but I wasn’t sure how to do it for the longest time. I was...afraid.”

Shuuichi began to feel worried. If Eiri didn’t have the courage to tell him his secret until now, it must be something really big.

“But I’m not afraid anymore. This is too important to keep from you any longer. It’s something I’ve never told anyone before, and you’re the only one I ever plan to tell it to. Shuuichi...” Eiri stared deeply into the violet, concern-addled eyes of his lover. “I love you.”

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Spazz: Oh, no I di’n’t! CLIFFHANGER! Ha ha, is it wrong to enjoy being a bitch? I was worried that this chapter would be too short, but I obviously underestimated my ability for excessive verbosity (as this sentence should prove :P). Sorry this chapter’s a little late on the bi-weekly schedule I’ve amazingly been sticking to up to this point. It was my birthday last weekend, and now I feel all depressed because I’m the same age as Yuki-sama at the beginning of Gravitation, but for some reason I’m not a fabulously wealthy 22-year-old novelist...instead, I’m an unemployed college graduate who sits in her basement writing fanfiction for free...wah, why can’t reality be more like manga?

Eiri: Because you could never be as awesome as me. And, for the record, I’m not the pussy you make me out to be in your fic. Crying? Saying I love that brat? Please.

Shuuichi: So how do you feel about me, Yuki?

Eiri: *Blush* I, um, well, ahem, you know...

Spazz: Ha ha! “Author’s notes” Yuki-sama has been subdued! *V sign* Victory! Anyway, I try to include at least one thing per chapter that greatly amuses me, and this time around it was Flaming!Eiri. My god, wouldn’t Inoue Kazuhiko sound awesome doing that? It would be, like, teh hotness. Okay, maybe he did it a little bit in one of the manga dramatization CDs while acting out the scene from volume 9 where he rescues Sakano from the American whores by pretending they’re a couple, but he could have been a lot more flaming than that (on an slightly related side note, the song that Seki Tomokazu sings on the last volume of those CDs titled “Messenger ~Toki no Tenshitachi~ is friggin’ awesome! All right, enough with my tangents).

Shuuichi: Yuki! Why won’t you answer me?

Eiri *Still blushing* Uh, well, um, it’s like, you see...

Spazz: Anyway, everyone prepare yourself for the final chapter! How will Shuu-chan react to Yuki-sama’s confession of love?

Eiri: I vote for head explosion.

Shuuichi: Hey, you still haven’t answered my question!

Spazz: Uh, you just stay right there, and I’ll show you! *Tee hee hee* (Ugh, I know I’ve used that gag before...I really need to stop plagiarizing myself).