Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ On the Outside ❯ Chapter Ten ( Chapter 10 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Author's Notes: I honestly don't know at this point when the next chapter will be done, so please bear with me. I hope you enjoy.

Chapter Ten

Ryuuichi sat me down on his couch, brought me a glass of water, and then promised he would be right back -- he was kinda wandering around half-naked and all. I tried to drink the water, but it just lumped in my throat. It was like I had forgotten how to swallow. I got about two gulps down before I felt like I was going to retch it all back up, and I had to put it aside. Even then, I still felt lousy, but wonders of wonders, I managed to not throw up my cookies. And how mortifying it would have been if I had. After my last amazing upchucking abilities in front of Ryuuichi, I wasn't keen on doing it again.

I felt stupid. Ryuuichi was the last person I would have wanted to fall to pieces on. I kept thinking that if I had kept walking, if I had stopped myself, I could have just wandered around the city for a few hours, cleared my thoughts, and been fine again in the morning. But no... I was at his place before I knew what else I was doing, and before I could turn and run away, he had me in his arms.

It was a long time that we stood there, door open, him shirtless and me a crying mess on his shoulder. In that moment I didn't feel nearly as stupid as I did afterward. All I had wanted then was comfort and someone to bawl on who wouldn't give me a funny look or think I wasn't being myself or try to get me to say what was wrong. I couldn't have stayed there and talked to Mika. I love her, but Mika isn't so good at the comforting thing. She gets frustrated, and when she's frustrated, she gets snappy, and she ends up making things worse. Shuuichi was too much of a mess himself, too, and Touma... he probably would have just apologized to me, and I didn't want to hear it.

I don't cry that easily. I really don't... and I don't know why I did. It had happened to Eiri, not to me. It was his grief, not mine. But it still hurt me. I thought about the way he had been before, I thought about how much he had smiled back when I was younger, how he had always been nice to me and would take me along with him to the movies with his friends, even though I was just the obnoxious kid brother. I remembered how he would give me piggy-backs around the yard and share his dessert with me.

And then I remembered the jaded, bitter person he had come back as. He never smiled, he barely spoke a word, and it was like I hardly existed to him. He never even spared me as much as a glance. So I pulled away from him, as much as he pulled away from me, until it came to the point that we only spoke a few passing words.

I wanted to kill those guys. Your parents always tell you that hate is a harsh word and you should never use it, but I hated them more than anything in the whole goddamn world in that moment. I would have given anything to have them alive again just so I could have the satisfaction of killing them. It was a satisfaction I knew Eiri would have never relished.

It scared me to think like that, and I shuddered. No. As much as they had hurt him, there was nothing I could do. Nothing. And that was probably the most frustrating thing of all.

Ryuuichi came back, dressed in dark slacks and a white button-down shirt. It was kind of weird to see him dressed so casually. Even when I had spent the night in his apartment he hadn't worn much of what people would consider normal clothing. It was kind of funny at the same time, though. Everybody else in the world saw him as this pop icon and expected him to be that wild, open personality they saw at concerts and on TV, but with me, he was everything but that. But I didn't mind. I liked both.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

I didn't know how to answer. I didn't feel better, but saying no would have been... weird. So I settled on the very noncommittal shrug of a shoulder.

He sat down with me on the couch. He looked like he was torn a moment, wondering whether or not he should say something or try to give me a reassuring touch. I swallowed.

"Sorry."

He lifted his head and looked at me, obviously confused. "Why?"

I ran a hand through my hair, probably just succeeding in making it more of a mess than it already was. "For... bursting in on you like this. Again..." I sighed. "I've been a real pain in the ass for you the whole time I've been in Tokyo."

"I've had fun," he said, almost cheerfully. I stared at him.

"Fun?"

"You're fun," he said, shrugging slightly, though he seemed kind of uncertain if that was the word he had wanted to use. He reached over and poked me in the nose. "I have fun when you're around. Something about you..." He trailed off then, and I would have given anything to hear what he would have said.

But he didn't say anything, and it didn't seem like he would. I gave it up.

"How is your brother?" he asked instead, gently.

I knew he was going to ask, and probably if it were anyone else, I would have punched them and told them to mind their own business. But if it was him, I didn't mind.

"They had to stomach pump him," I answered. "He overdosed on a bunch of anti-depressants and sleeping pills, stuff like that. He'll be okay, but I'm guessing they'll be holding him for awhile."

Ryuuichi nodded slowly. "What about Shuuichi?"

I paused. I didn't know. He had seemed too shell-shocked to be feeling much of anything, and jerk that I am, I hadn't done anything to try and talk to him or comfort him. Some friend I turned out to be.

Some brother too, rushing out on Eiri like that... and not listening to Mika when she yelled after me...

Here came that huge guilt trip settling in. And the funny thing was, I didn't even need Mika to lay it on me. I did it all myself.

I'm so fucking proud.

"Don't know," I replied. "He was a mess..."

Mika and Touma would take care of him. Bitch as much as she did about Shuuichi, I knew Mika liked him (though she would say she 'tolerates' him), and Touma seemed to have accepted the fact that he was never going to just up and disappear. They both would make sure he was all right, would probably take him home even. They'd be more than nice to him.

Me, on the other hand... I was going to get skinned alive.

Ryuuichi didn't bother telling me that Eiri would be all right, or that things would work out in the end, and I really appreciated it. He didn't talk down to me like I was some little kid; he talked to me like he would talk to anyone else, maybe on an entirely different level than he did talk to most people. People see too much that I'm sixteen, just a kid to them, and they treat me like one. I hate it.

But Ryuuichi didn't do that, and at that moment, I could've hugged him for it. It was the last thing I needed, that kind of condescending sympathy. It'd just piss me off.

"Do you want to stay here?" he asked me.

Where else was there to go? Back to Eiri's place? I didn't want to go there. The more I thought about it, Touma and Mika would probably take Shuuichi to stay with Hiro anyway. He needed to be with somebody who would stop him from slitting his wrists in a fit of depressive insanity, and Hiro was just the guy for that job. So going back to an empty apartment was the last thing I wanted to do.

"I don't want to be in your way," was what came out of my mouth, though. I'm good at that whole brain-mouth contradictory thing.

"You wouldn't be."

I grinned a bit. "You say that only because you don't know any better."

He looked like he was considering it.

"Er, I'll be good," I said quickly.

He smiled. "'Course you will," he said, and he bopped me on the nose again. "You hungry?"

I was, but I hadn't been thinking about it at all. The last thing I had eaten was breakfast, and I'd barely been able to shovel much of that down. I nodded.

"Kind of."

"Okay," he said, brightly, and he jumped up, springing off to the kitchen. I guessed he was happy about having something useful to do for me. Or something. I could've been too busy ogling his butt as he walked off, who knows.

... maybe I wasn't as bad off as I thought.

I wondered what happened to Miyame. I bet she thought we were all a bunch of lunatics. And she was probably right about that. I've never met a weirder bunch than my family and all our 'personal attachments.' I kinda felt bad, to be honest. I hadn't been able to say thanks for getting us into the arena at the very least, and I hadn't even said anything to her when we had taken off for the hospital. If I saw her again sometime, I'd have to do that.

I got up after awhile and wandered over to the kitchen, where Ryuuichi was making sandwiches. I had to grin. One of Japan's most famous musicians, and he was making me a sandwich. The grin broke into a laugh, and Ryuuichi looked over his shoulder at me, puzzled.

"What?" he asked.

Shaking my head, I lifted a hand and tried to wave it dismissively, but by then I was laughing too hard to do much of anything. "Nothing," I gasped out. "It's nothing. I've just lost my marbles." And I probably had, but damn, it felt good to be laughing again.

Ryuuichi set down a plate topped with a sandwich in front of me, still giving me a funny look. I swallowed down my laughter.

"Don't worry," I said, picking up the sandwich, "I'm not that insane."

"Uh huh," he said, one eyebrow slightly raised.

"I'm serious!" I took a bite of the sandwich. Having something in my stomach made me feel a little less lousy. Made me a little hysterical too, I guess.

But Ryuuichi just smiled, looking relieved. "Whatever you say, Tatsuha-kun," he said.

I paused mid-bite. "Tatsuha," I said.

He blinked. "Uh?"

"Just call me Tatsuha," I said. Tatsuha-kun was what teachers and parents of my friends called me. I didn't want him to do it, too. He looked like the request confused him, but then he just smiled and nodded.

"Okay," he said. "Tatsuha."

The phone rang then. So very anti-climatic. I didn't think much of it and just went right on eating my sandwich while Ryuuichi went over to pick it up. I didn't start listening until he said a name that had my head snapping up.

"Ah, Mika-san..." I stared at him.

"Yeah," he continued, "he's here. No, don't worry... he's okay." Pause. "No, you don't need to come get him. It's late, you should go home and rest." Another pause, then he nodded, even though she could not see him. "Sure, you can come get him tomorrow. Okay. Bye."

"Thanks," I said when he hung up the phone. I didn't want Mika barreling down on me just yet. I'd be more prepared for the long lecture that would come about my making trouble for Ryuuichi tomorrow.

He shrugged and smiled. "No problem." He paused. "You know, you should get some sleep, too."

I glanced at the clock. "Shit." It was practically three in the morning. I had lost track of time in the hospital.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered why the hell Ryuuichi had been awake so late. Well, I figured I'd showed up at this place around two... so it made since that he might've still been awake. Oh well. Didn't really matter. What mattered was that it was late, and I was exhausted.

"Okay," I said, pushing away my plate. "Uh... where do you want me to sleep?"

"You can sleep in my room," he said. "You already have before."

Down, blush. Down.

"Uh, I can just stay on the couch."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You sure?"

"Positive. Just gimme a pillow and I'll crash."

"Okay," he said. He disappeared from the room, and I heard him padding down the hall, followed by the sound of a door opening. A second later he had reappeared, carrying his arms some blankets and pillows. I got up to help him with the load.

"Thanks for letting me stay," I said as I tossed the pillows to the couch and started to spread out the blanket.

"S'okay. You sure you'll be okay out here?"

I flopped onto the couch. It was a hell of a lot more comfortable than Eiri's was, that was for sure. His felt more like a slab of rock than it felt like a piece of furniture.

"Yup. I'll be fine."

He nodded. "Okay. Sleep well." He smiled and waved as he turned and wandered back down the hall. I fell back, tucking my hands behind my head, and staring up at the ceiling.

I wondered how Eiri was doing. It was late. He had probably konked out by now. I figured they'd keep him for awhile. They'd probably try to push for the rehab too, but I knew Touma wouldn't let that happened. It wasn't like it was something that happened all the time. It was just this once.

At least, I thought it had never happened before. Who knew, considering how content my family was to never tell me a damn thing.

Shuuichi was probably with Hiro by now. Mika and Touma would have taken him to stay with his friend. Neither of them were cruel enough to abandon him alone. So I hoped Hiro was taking care of him... because I still felt like shit for running out on him like that. I didn't know if there was anything I could have done for him, but staying would have been a hell of a lot more helpful than running out like I did.

I sighed and rolled over onto my side. If I kept on depressing myself, I was never going to get any sleep.

That was when a pink thing dropped out of nowhere and into my face. I stared blankly, blinking a few times until it came completely into focus.

It was Kumagoro.

"Uh?"

"Kumagoro will cheer you up."

I looked up. Ryuuichi stood at the end of the couch, smiling. I slowly picked up the stuffed rabbit from my chest.

He had said that before. At the wedding, after mom had died. He had told me Kumagoro would cheer me up.

"Good night, Tatsuha," he said, and then he was gone.

I fell asleep smiling, and damned if I wasn't cuddling that bunny, too.

Somebody was talking, in that kind of hushed voice people use when they're trying not to disturb someone, but it still comes off like an obnoxious yell anyway. I crammed a pillow down over my ears, hoping to block out the sounds, and you believe me, they just got louder. What wonderful luck I have.

Finally, I sat up, tearing the pillow from my face and glaring around. I had absolutely no clue where I was. The only thing I had completely grasped was the fact that someone was disturbing some much needed rest and I was not in the least happy about it.

Three faces blinked back at me. Touma, Mika, and Ryuuichi.

"Toldja you'd wake him," Ryuuichi said, matter-of-factly, and looking kinda smug at that. Touma shrugged.

"Zuh?" I stared at them blankly.

Mika favored me with a bland gaze. "Good morning," she said.

"Good morning..." I said slowly. I looked at Ryuuichi, as if he could give me some kind of explanation about their sudden appearance. But he just shrugged his shoulders.

Mika folded her arms. "Gotten attached to that, have you?"

She was looking down at me. And I... was still cuddling the bunny. Better take this one with dignity.

"Yes, I have," I said, solemnly. "We're running away together to Tahiti and getting married."

Ryuuichi snickered. Touma smiled. Mika was not amused. Oh well, she was a pill anyway...

"How's Eiri?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Alive."

I was cranky enough from being woken up I might have snapped back with something sarcastic and scathing, but I bit my tongue. Tempting as it was to tell Mika what a bitch she could be sometimes, I couldn't. I, unfortunately, understand my siblings and all their screwed up head issues, probably better than I do my own. And I know that Mika's way of dealing with stress and being worried was by shutting out the world and putting on her tough girl image.

But it's not so tough. A couple months ago, Mika and Touma were home in Kyoto because Dad had been really sick, and none of the treatments were taking too well. She was quick to snap at me or criticize me for the damndest thing that whole week, and not even by the end of their stay, I was about ready to do something equally nasty in return. It was nearing the end of the week and I was on edge as it was, going out of my way to avoid Mika if I could, when I heard something like sniffling coming down the hall. I had followed the sound and peeked into the spare room, where it was coming from.

It was Mika, sitting with Touma, and crying on his shoulder. The stress of everything had finally gotten to her and she had just completely buckled under.

I was nicer to her after that. Instead of going out of my way to avoid her, I went out of my way to help her and Dad out the best I could. And she started to relax and treated me nicer, too.

So I bit my tongue, though it sure as hell would have been nice to say something nasty.

"Well, all right then," I said instead. "Alive is better than dead, after all."

"Why did you run out?" she demanded, abruptly.

I paused.

Why? Because I was upset. Because I was angry. I don't know. I just knew I didn't want to be near them, any of them. Not until I had some time to sort through things on my own.

I didn't bite the snappy come back reflex down so well this time. "Why didn't you tell me about what happened in New York?"

Her eyes widened. Touma made some sound of surprise, and poor clueless Ryuuichi had no idea what to think.

Mika swallowed. "He told you?"

"Yeah, he told me," I said, and when I got going, it was hard to stop. "He told me about what those guys did to him, and he told me that yesterday would've been the anniversary of it, and that's why he's been so damned depressed lately. That's why he swallowed all those pills. Yeah, he told me all of that. But you sure as hell didn't."

She drew back as though I had struck her. "Y... you were so young then, Tatsuha, I couldn't--"

"I'm not so young anymore," I cut in. "Okay, so I was a kid then, but I'm not anymore, you should've--"

"You are a kid!" she exclaimed, and I was startled into silence. "You think sixteen is grown up, Tatsuha? You don't know anything! Eiri was sixteen then! He was just a child!"

That was it. That was what she had always been so afraid of. That was what she was always afraid of. Eiri had gone to New York and something terrible had happened to him; maybe the same would happen to me. She always wanted to protect us. Nagging at Eiri all of the time, butting into his life when it was obvious he did not want her nor need her there, getting after me for skipping classes and never doing my homework...

I suddenly felt like the world's biggest asshole.

"Mikarin..."

She cut me off, "We're going home to Kyoto."

I jumped to my feet. "What?! Why?"

She wouldn't look at me. "It's too hard on you being here. And it'll be too hard on Eiri, having you to think of when he needs to only be concerned with recovering--"

"What, and I'm just in the way?" I snapped. "Me being here is just going to make him try to kill himself again?!"

I shouldn't have said it. No one had said suicide. No one had ever thought for a second that was what Eiri had been trying to do; that all along, what he had really wanted was to just kill himself. No one even dared to think it. It was just a mistake, we all said, it was just a few too many pills.

But I said it. Her head snapped up, and she whirled around. The flat of her hand flew across the side of my face, and for a moment I was too stunned to realize what had happened. Then the pain seeped in.

"Mika-san!" Touma grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her away from me, into his arms. I stood there dumbly, one hand pressed to my red, bruising cheek.

"You're going home!" she said. Her voice was muffled against Touma, but I still heard it. "And that's it!"

Touma spared a glance to Ryuuichi, and there was some silent passing between them. Gently, he began to draw Mika away, talking to her in soft tones. I watched them disappear down the hall, listening to Mika cry.

I sat down hard, my hand still pressed to my face. She had never hit me before. My own mother had never hit me before. It hurt, like someone had lit a fire under my skin. I had been punched before, but never like that. And I thought, for one crazy moment, it hurt more because it had been Mika.

I heard the sound of movement around me, the opening and closing of the fridge, and then Ryuuichi was sitting down beside me. He slowly peeled my hand away from my face and replaced it with a washcloth packed with ice. I winced. It still hurt.

After a moment, I lifted my head and looked at him. "She hit me," I said dumbly.

He nodded and smiled grimly. "Yeah," he said, "she clobbered you."

"I..." I blinked a few times. I thought I might cry. It just hurt. "She's never hit me before."

Ryuuichi didn't say anything, and I stumbled on. "It's not like, it's not that... I don't think that was really it, you know? I don't think he was trying to kill himself... he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that to Shuuichi. But..."

"But?" Ryuuichi asked gently.

"But... they don't stomach pump people who just want to take a few pills to relax..."

There was nothing he could say, and he didn't try. We just sat there in silence, me staring dumbly at the floor, and Ryuuichi pressing an ice pack to my face.

Mika and Touma came back after awhile. Mika didn't look at me. She walked straight across the room and out the door. All three of us did nothing, until finally, Touma sighed.

"Tatsuha-kun," he began, slowly, "... we should go now."

I looked up at him. "I don't want to go home."

He looked tired. Almost as bad as Eiri had been looking for the past few days. But I didn't think it meant he was going to go cramming any pills down his throat anytime soon. Yay for one of us not being a suicidal maniac. Touma just looked like he really needed some sleep.

"It's not my choice," he answered, and he sounded almost sad.

It wasn't mine either, I thought. I was sixteen. Mika was right. Just a kid. What could I do? What did I know?

"Okay."

I stood up, and Ryuuichi stood with me. He lowered the icepack, and I was relieved to feel that some of the pain had ebbed away. The sting was still there, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as it had before.

"Thanks," I mumbled to him. "For everything."

He smiled, but it was strained. "Come say bye before you leave," he said. "If you can..."

I nodded.

"Come on," Touma murmured, and I followed him.

Suddenly I wasn't worried about Eiri. I wasn't wondering how Shuuichi was doing. I didn't feel badly about what happened with Mika. I didn't think about any of them.

I thought how hard it would be to never see Ryuuichi again, to never see that smile, to spend those moments with him that no one else saw, no one else could share.

And for that, I was sorry.