Undying

Chapter One

Disclaimer: Gravitation and all its characters belong to Maki Murakami.

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Seguchi Tohma looked up from his desk. His office was clear-cut, modern - and at this time of the year - washed in warm summer evening sunshine. It created a dramatic collision of oranges and reds on the blank far wall, and cast his shadow in bizarre and exaggerated proportions onto it.

The ambience was comforting and homely, but that was all an illusion, a cruel trick played through the hands of Mother Nature and forced onto his chest. There was very little cheer in the large room. Tohma had felt this way for a while now, but never to this painful degree. He was, quite simply, at his lowest.

Mika had been in England for four weeks. It felt much longer.

It wasn't that he missed her that much - he hadn't had the time too. For the majority of their marriage they had been apart, coming home in the evenings and passing like two ships in the night. That had always been how their relationship worked. Neither were the comely homemakers others seemed to settle for. They were too busy for it. Their feelings were just as strong, but early on the execution had been cultured to fit with their lifestyle. It was just that… that whilst Mika was around him, Tohma could forget other, more… more… inappropriate thoughts.

Gently removing his hat, Tohma apathetically threw it onto his desk. He forgot about the stack of paperwork he'd steadily trawled his way through for the last five hours, and rested his elbows on the smooth surface, clawing his fingers through his hair. It was the only way he could scramble his mind back into order. It wasn't even like he could take himself away from the situation this time. His anxiety and stress levels recently had caused alarm in his team of doctors, and was enough to make them prohibit him from flying - at least until his blood pressure had dropped, and that wasn't likely while he was in this state.

He was trapped. He couldn't join Mika in London. He couldn't go to the recording studios and most importantly, he couldn't visit Eiri. At home there was… well there was nothing. At work he at least he had something to do, something to take his mind off it all.

He could feel the emotion rising to his eyes, as he tried to gulp down some of his usual hard-worn composure. He couldn't do it!

Righting his water tumbler, Tohma watched through dazed eyes, mesmerized as he poured the clear liquor, fluidly into the empty glass. When it was full, he closed the bottle and picked up the glass, looking into the bottom as he swirled it like a connoisseur. He knew it wasn't the answer to his problems, but in times of desperation it would numb the pain, albeit briefly.

He'd just brought the glass to his lips when there was a faint knock at the door. He sighed, rubbing life back into his features, and reluctantly lowered the glass. It wouldn't do for the president of NG records to be seen drinking on the job, and at that minute he felt ashamed at his own weakness.

"Oh Eiri-san!" he whispered.

The knock came again, this time more persistent. Secretly he hoped that whoever it was would go away, and he waited several minutes in the hope that he'd be left to drown his misery in peace. It didn't work. The knocking just got louder.

All opposition to the situation collapsed.

"Come in."

Nothing.

"Come in," he repeated a little louder - knowing his voice had been thin and strained.

This time the doors creaked open a fraction, and he waited to be bombarded with the usual business nothings. However, the usual office bullshit didn't surface, and he raised his head slightly wondering what was going on. He couldn't hold down the smile at what he saw. A pink rabbit had popped its head cautiously through the opening.

"Ryuichi-san!" he exclaimed, relief very evident in his voice.

How did he always know? It was like a scarily inane version of ESP. Whenever he needed his spirits lifting his old friend would be there. It didn't matter what he did whilst he was there, he was just there, and that was all that mattered.

The puppet moved its head in protest.

"I'm sorry. I mean…. Kumagaro-san! Is that better?"

A nod.

"Tohma-san's not happy," Ryuichi squeaked. "But that's okay. Kumagaro and Ryuichi know something that will make him better. Follow us."

Tohma chuckled, at his old friend. "That's very nice of you, but I still have a lot of work to do."

"Works boring. Too much work and no play makes Tohma old. We'll have fun! Come on."

"I really…."

"Come on!"

Tohma sighed. He knew Ryuichi wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer and the lure of paperwork and disjointedly dangerous thoughts, just wasn't strong enough for any more protests. Closing his eyes once in defeat he picked up his hat, and stood.

"Okay Kumagaro. Lead the way."

~*~*~*~*~

"Yuki!"

The shout echoed in the large, spacious apartment, bouncing off the walls to fill every corner.

"Yuki! I'm home!"

There was no reply, but it didn't matter. Yuki never replied. He was probably holed up with his laptop in the study and ignoring him on purpose. Still Shuichi committed himself to creating the mood, and chatted away to himself none-the-less.

"Man! You wouldn't believe the tough day I've had. K has been bugging me all the time to set down knew lyrics for the album and I've already told him about fifty times that a true professional has to take time over these things. Genius isn't something that can be rushed, but no! He wants them done by the end of the week. Can you believe that? What does he think I am, a robot? Then of course he got mad and started shooting. I tell you, he's got a screw lose. People call me unbalanced, but I think they should look to K first!"

Still no answer. Shuichi wasn't disheartened. The apartment seemed to force silence and respect, and he knew if he didn't talk, then no one would.

"Hiro said he hopes you die and go to hell for making me late this morning. He said he wouldn't have minded if I hadn't told him all about it in great detail. I think you'll be angry with me - the amount I tell him and the really awkward secrets too, but he is my best friend. Saying that though I think it was a bit harsh of him to palm strike me in the face when I told him about the thing with the feathers. Don't you think that was mean?"

There was a growl. It emanated from the study door, and Shiuchi's eyes lit up as he saw his lover, leaning on the frame with one hand partially blocking his face. How could one man find so many different pose's that looked so damn dangerous and sexy at the same time?

"I think he should have hit you harder. Then maybe you wouldn't be here annoying me."

Shuichi smiled, "Ah, so you are here! I thought you'd been sat in front of that computer for so long your mind had eventually exploded."

"Don't be an idiot." Yuki snapped, extracting a cigarette from his back pocket and lighting it. "You're late."

"Mr K-san wouldn't let me go, he forced me to sit down and write. He held me at gunpoint and said he'd shoot if I hadn't written a verse before the sun set. There are laws against that aren't there? So did you miss me? Is that why you're all sour faced?"

"Not likely!"

"Well then. What are we having for dinner tonight? I'm starving."

Yuki frowned, "What am I, your mother now?" He pushed angrily passed Shuichi and to the coat rack.

Shuichi tried to hide his disappointment. "Y… you're going out?"

There was no reply, but Yuki looked over his shoulder as if to say, "What the fuck does it look like?"

Shuichi looked to the floor, hoping his face didn't betray his heart, as Yuki pulled on a thin denim summer jacket. Why did he always do this? They'd spent all last night together, done so much, shared so much of each other, and now… now it was back to this! Didn't Yuki know how painful it was to him? Didn't he realize how much he lived on his emotions - how the merest acknowledgement from Yuki's lips could make his whole world spring alive?

"Well… are you just going to stand there like an idiot or are you coming?"

Shuichi almost cried. The bastard had been playing with him! How dare he, and yet at the same time he was forgiven instantly - he was Yuki after all. His face morphed from anguish to bliss, and his heart did cartwheels. "You mean it? We're going to go out… together?"

Rolling his eyes Yuki picked up Shuichi's hastily removed coat from the floor and threw it at his head. "Stop asking stupid questions and hurry up. Thanks to your manager we're already late."

"Yuki!" he cried out with uncontrolled emotion, spinning around to kiss his lover on the cheek. "You do love me don't you?"

"No, I take pity on you."

"Pity, love, who cares! I still get Yuki all to myself!"

Yuki's only response was a curt growl, but in his mind Shuichi was satisfied. He was the only one Yuki ever growled at in that way, and it set his emotions on fire. "Come on! What are you standing around for? I thought you said we're going to be late! Come on, come, on, come on! Hurry!"

It was still like a special treat for Shuichi to be driven around the city by Yuki, and even though the journey through the bustling city centre was executed in silence, Shuichi was happy. Cheerfully sprawling back into the luxurious leather seat he contended himself with watching the dazzling lights roll past him, and alternately allowing admiring glances at the handsome man next to him - all the time wondering which god had thought him so privileged as to be handed such a prize. He was so handsome, from the clean, sharp angles of his face, to the piercing and haunting passion in his eyes. Gods!

"We're here." Yuki said, distracting his passenger from his daydream.

"We are?" he replied looking uncertainly out of the window.

"You sound all disappointed."

Shuichi couldn't lie. He was a little. He'd expected to be taken out on a date with Yuki on his arm, and now he was… "Are we going to see your sister?"

"No. Mika's in London - or so she said. Who knows when she's concerned anyway?"

"Then why are we at her favourite bar?"

"Tohma," Yuki replied, stepping out onto the pavement and taking a long drag on a freshly lit cigarette. "Ryuichi said I should be here. He said he's worried about Tohma, and that seeing me might do him some good. So I'm here."

"You and Seguchi-san are pretty close aren't you?"

Something indomitable took over Yuki's features as Shuichi joined him outside the bar. The lines of his face, hardened while at the same time his eyes softened. That expression! It was as rare as gold dust to see, and just as precious to breath in.

"Necessity has made us close," Yuki stated, lost to an emotion that was hard for Shuichi to place. "He's been there for me during some pretty rough times. I guess I owe it to him to be here now."

Yuki's voice had drifted into something so soft that it touched a chord deep within his chest. It was like a gateway had opened up in his heart and sneakily let its essence overcome him.

"Perhaps then it will be better if I'm not here," Shuichi volunteered. "I don't want to be in the way. I don't think Tohma would be happy letting me know secrets between the two of you."

Yuki turned in the neon light of the bar, the side of his face being captured by the blue hue. He looked at Shuichi and through him at the same time. "I don't want to hold anymore secrets from you. You need to know this. I've… Tohma's kept it from both of us for too long already."

Taking another lung of smoke, Yuki brushed the tip of his fingers through Shuichi's hair before walking into the bar.

"Yuki!" Shuichi called after him, when he had recovered from the gentle touch. "Yuki, what do you mean a secret? What secret, wha…?"

He fell silent. This was clearly very important. The room was empty, a clear indication that someone had paid for its use for the evening. The ceiling fan rotated with a regular click, highlighting the lack of atmosphere, or rather, the stifling cloud of seriousness.

Two well-known figures could be seen at the end of the bar in silence.

Shuichi was left shocked. He'd never in his life seen Seguchi look so… so… tired. He was almost always smiling, and even when he wasn't happy he had always retained a look of strength and composure in his features. He was sat at the bar, looking into the mirror behind the liquor, whilst Ryuichi was sat at his feet playing origami with a napkin. He looked a lot older than Shuichi had ever remembered seeing him before.

As the door locked closed behind them Ryuichi looked up. His eyes sparkled when he saw them and his countenance sprang into the usual energetic life. "Hi Shuichi!" he beamed. "Eiri you came for Tohma. Kamagaro has been trying to make him happy, but I'm worried! His shine magic isn't working!"

Shuichi's shock had been mirrored in his bosses eyes the moment Ryuichi had mentioned his name, and become even greater when he had seen Yuki. It was obvious that the ex-Grasper had been set up for this as much as Shuichi had. He held onto Tohma's gaze for a moment trying to work out what this secret might be, but there was nothing more than surprise and a hint of pain.

Truly worried about one of his childhood idols, Shuichi thought it was right to step forward and lay a hand on his friends shoulder. "Seguchi-san. What's wrong?"

Almost as soon as the appendage touched it was slapped away.

"It was wrong of Ryuichi to bring you here," he stated coldly. "It was wrong of him to bring both of you."

Shuichi felt his heart clench. There was real pain in Tohma's voice and real venom in the slap.

"I'm sorry." Yuki said from behind him. "I thought you… never mind. If you want us to leave we will. Come Shuichi."

Shuichi felt caught. It was hard for him to disobey Yuki. His love made that impossible, but his impulsive and impressionable character couldn't face leaving his boss the way he was. More importantly though, there was a secret floating around the room that he hadn't been let in on, and he desperately wanted to know why Yuki had put so much importance on it.

"No!" he shouted. "I want to know what's going on. Why are you so sad Seguchi-san, and why did you say something about a secret Yuki? What has all this got to do with me? Tell me!"

The shock returned to Tohma's features as he focused passed Shuichi, to stare hauntingly at Yuki. "Oh god! E… Eiri-san…" he put his fingers to his mouth. "You know?"

Yuki closed his eyes and lowered his head, his mouth curved into a grim mould.

"How long?"

"I've had my suspicions for a while," he confirmed.

"I see… and you want Shindo-kun to know?"

Yuki moved forwards, spinning Tohma's stool around and making him face the both of them. "Yes! I won't have any secrets from him."

Tohma shook his head. "That's not a decision for you to make."

"He has a right to know. I won't lie for you anymore Tohma. Is it so hard to admit how you feel in front of your friends? In front of me?"

"I try not to think on those feelings at all."

Tohma had tried to look away, but Yuki had grabbed hold of his chin before it had even moved, "Haven't you learnt anything from me?" Their eyes locked in an intense battle of wills. "You've always helped me out. Always guided men when I have been at my lowest. You've seen how it can eat your mind? Just the same as my past once did for me. You've seen…."

Tohma reached out and grabbed Yuki's wrist, prying the force from his face. "You don't know the half of it. You have no right to judge me, no right to say that I don't know what my own emotions are? Yes I've seen, and that's why… why I couldn't. I can see what should have been, every time I see you… you and…!"

"Do you still love Mika?" Yuki's eyes had sharpened poignantly and his jaw had set into a grim line.

"Eiri-san!"

"Tell me."

"How can you even doubt my love for your sister?"

Eiri closed his eyes and nodded his head once. "Then this… it's an infatuation, nothing more. You'll get over it, in time I hope you will."

Tohma laughed, but the line of his eyes didn't reflect the sound. "I've been waiting for that for the last ten years. I don't think I ever will."

Shuichi had started to listen to the conversation with compassion and concern, but as things slowly started to click into place he wasn't sure what he felt. There was too much to take in, from the brazen brashness of Yuki, demanding that he shouldn't be left out, to the confessions of… of… of… oh god! It couldn't be possible could it? He hung his head low, trying to rid his mind of the possibility, trying to sort out the confusion under the protection of long bangs.

"Say it then. Admit it to me!" Yuki coaxed with a sneer. "Tell me how all the times I came to you with my heart open and that you pushed me away, or told me it wasn't appropriate, that this was why?"

Shuichi felt nausea sweep into his stomach. He'd said it himself. Seguchi-san and Yuki were close. Had always been close.

"You…you love him don't you Seguchi-san!"

Both Yuki and Tohma turned to look at him at the same time. The line had been crossed without either of them knowing it, and the reality came thundering over Tohma's features like a waterfall crashing onto the rocks of his heart. Heat rushed to his face, tears pooling angrily and defiantly on his lashes.

Two eyes and a countenance of stone, which even Yuki would have been proud to display, latched angrily onto Shuichi. He took a step back as Tohma eased himself effortlessly from the stool and towards him. In a second he was backed up against the bar, Tohma's gloved hand, eerily stroking the side of his face.

"I know this isn't your fault Shindo Shuichi," he stated, his voice devoid of feeling and inflection. "But I find the more and more I see you two together, the harder my heart has to get, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to forgive you for it."

Then like a ghost on the wind, Seguchi Tohma breezed past the lovers. His head was held high, but his step was unsteady. The door to the restaurant was swept from the latch, and he turned once to look about the room through hollow eyes. "I'm sorry Eiri," was all he said, as he disappeared through the doors, and out into the night. More pain had never been evident in those three words than any Shuichi had ever heard before, and his legs buckled under the emotion.

He fell to the floor, not able to hold back the tears. "No!"

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A/N - This is my first ever Gravitation fic! Any feedback would be very welcome. Until the next chapter… bye!