Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Third Annual Mediaminer.org Big Fanfiction Contest/Award Ceremony/Oscars/Emmies/Golden Globes Thingie! ❯ Comedy ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: PsyWeedle 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 02.22.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.9K | Visits: 651 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 02.22.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.9K | Visits: 651 | Status: Completed
Special thanks to all of Mediaminer.org for helping in the contest.
Special thanks to the creators of anime for giving us inspiration for stories.
Special thanks to NBC for letting us borrow the auditorium.
No thanks to those responsible for censorship laws.
Special thanks to iUniverse.com for publishing my books.
No thanks to the bastards who canceled Mystery Science Theater 3000.
**
The lights once again come back up as the commercials are gone. All the characters that had been making out in the audience while there had been a brief break quickly separate themselves and blush, readying themselves for the next category winners. A shiny red automaton in a hover skirt floats over to the stage, his ventriloquist dummy hands grab the sides of the podium, despite the fact that they are attached to his main body by slinkies.
Tom Servo has arrived.
“Hello and welcome, one and all! Wow, such a lovely crowd out there! I haven't seen this many violent porn cartoons since I was forced to sit through the movie `Lady Death: The Motion Picture!'”
Servo laughed a bit, but not a single anime character in the audience was laughing at his description of them. He winced (albeit a difficult gesture to make considering his mouth could only move up or down) and let his laugh trail off.
“Okay, wrong crowd tonight. Anyway, I'm Tom Servo, one of the beloved characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000, the show that inspired many an MST job of bad fanfiction. MSTings are hard to do, but those who manage to pull it off do it because they're funny! And Comedy is why we're here tonight for this beloved category. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you our host for the category: Flame0f_Ice!”
You may be confused about how Tom managed to somehow pronounce the zero and underscore in Flame0f_Ice's name, but repeat to yourselves, “it's just a fanfic, I should really just relax.” Any who, Flame0f_Ice walked out and took the podium, even giving Servo a little kiss on the cheek.
“The first award, for funniest story, is the Joel Hodgson Award, named after comedian Joel Hodgson. He isn't dead, but Psy wanted to name an award after him since he's become obsessed with MST3K.” Flame said.
Psy poked his head from around the curtains, grinned, and gave a thumbs up. He quickly went back behind the curtain.
“And the Joel Hodgson Award goes to... Chronicles, by Sueric!”
*Excerpt*
"How did ye manage to purify the Shikon no Tama?" Kaede cut in.
Kagome dropped the spray can. InuYasha pretended not to have heard the question.
"That," Miroku commented as he stared at Kagome with a mixture of surprise and amusement, "is a whole new shade of red . . . . Why is that, Kagome?"
"InuYasha?" Sango asked cautiously, leaning to the side to see a little bit of the hanyou's face.
InuYasha snorted. "Dunno what you're talking about," he growled. "Anyway, nothing happened."
"What do you mean, nothing happened? The sacred jewel couldn't have just purified itself," Miroku remarked.
"Why don't ye tell us exactly what ye were about when the jewel was purified," Kaede prompted.
Kagome stared at her hands and winced, her cheeks growing almost painfully hot. "What we were . . . ? Excuse me," she rasped out as she shot to her feet and fled the hut.
"They're mates," Shippou said without looking up from his tablet of drawing paper.
"What?" three voices exclaimed in varying stages of shock.
InuYasha's flush darkened. "Damn it-"
Miroku suddenly laughed. The harder he laughed, the redder InuYasha's face grew, and the redder his face grew, the madder the hanyou became. "Are you trying to say . . ." Miroku managed between bouts of laughter, "that you were doing that when the jewel purified?"
When InuYasha didn't answer, Miroku's laughter escalated to the point that he wasn't making a sound at all. more of an exhalation than an actual laugh, the monk was in serious danger of passing out from lack of oxygen-or from the very volatile hanyou who was glowering at him as though he'd rather sharpen his claws on Miroku than endure to any more of his teasing.
But when Sango and even Kaede burst into laughter, as well, InuYasha growled viciously and turned on his heel, leaving the rest of his supposed `friends' to their amusement. `Kagome . . . where did she run off to now?' Sniffing the air, InuYasha leaped off toward his forest, hot on the trail of his mate's scent.
Miroku finally wound down to chuckles, wiping his eyes free of the laughter-induced tears. "I suppose I'll have to apologize for that later," Miroku remarked with another chuckle.
Sango shook her head, unable to hide her lingering smile. "I've never heard of such a thing . . . is that even possible?"
Kaede nodded slowly. "Certainly. The union of two souls is, in and of itself, a ritual of purification."
Unable to help himself, Miroku flopped onto his back as laughter took control of him once more. "Did you see their faces?" he gasped out, clutching his stomach as he rolled from side to side in his amusement.
"Miroku, if you make fun of them, you may not live to see our wedding," Sango warned. "InuYasha hasn't ever taken well to teasing . . . ."
Miroku laughed even harder. "I know . . . but their faces! So red!"
Sango tried not to laugh again. She really did. But Miroku was right. The memories of the nearly crimson faces were almost too much to think about without wanting to laugh. She giggled. Kaede's deeper chuckling added to it. Shippou stared at all of them as though they'd lost their minds.
::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::
Rolling his eyes heavenward, InuYasha threw his hands up in the air to ask, "Why did I ever want to bind myself to an impossible woman like you?"
Kagome shot to her feet, towering over the still squatting hanyou, and, balling her fists at her sides, screamed, "Because you love me, baka!"
"Yeah?" InuYasha snarled as he clamored to his feet, too. "Well, you love me, too, wench!"
"That has to be the most demented way to state your feelings for one another that I think I-or the rest of Musashi-has ever heard."
InuYasha and Kagome turned to stare at the monk, who had managed to sneak up on them during their yelling match. Sango stepped up beside the monk though she, at least, was trying to hide her amusement.
"Aw, Sango . . . isn't that sweet? Matching shades of `Purifying-the-Jewel'-red." Turning a speculative gaze on the woman beside him, Miroku blinked a few times before asking, "Say . . . you wouldn't have a jewel in need of purification, would you, my sweet? All for a good cause, you know."
`Please, dear heaven, if there are any gods listening, open the earth and swallow me now,' Kagome pleaded in her head as InuYasha started to growl, advancing slowly on the monk.
"I'll give you ten seconds to move it, lecher, before I give a whole new meaning to `Monk-in-Pain'," InuYasha snarled.
Miroku tried not to laugh . . . . He failed. Sango rolled her eyes and pushed Miroku toward InuYasha. The hanyou leapt at the monk but missed as Miroku sidestepped him, wisely bent on self-preservation.
"Now, now, InuYasha . . . you can't kill me before I get married . . . I want to see if it's really as `nothing special' as you claimed . . . ."
"Fucking dead," InuYasha snarled, drawing Tetsusaiga.
"InuYasha!" Kagome yelled, stepping between the monk and the hanyou. Miroku's laughter died out as he stared in wonder at the vibrant blue blade. "Stop it! Miroku's just joking!"
"You unlocked the power of Tetsusaiga?" Miroku asked quietly, staring from the blade to InuYasha and back again. "How did you figure it out?"
InuYasha snorted as he dropped the sword back into the scabbard and grabbed Kagome before leaping into the higher branches of Goshinboku. "The same way we figured out how to purify the damn jewel," he hollered down. Kagome groaned, burying her face in InuYasha's haori as the hanyou had the nerve to snort.
Miroku sighed. "That is so unfair," he remarked with a slow shake of his head. "They purify the Shikon no Tama and strengthen Tetsusaiga, all by-"
Sango laughed. "We'll see you back in the village," she called over her shoulder as she took Miroku's hand and dragged him back into the foliage. "Come on, houshi-sama, before you embarrass them both enough that Kagome doesn't save you."
Miroku chuckled but let Sango lead him away. "Gives a whole new meaning to the idea of `Red Tetsusaiga, doesn't it?"
"I heard that," InuYasha snarled.
Kagome dropped the spray can. InuYasha pretended not to have heard the question.
"That," Miroku commented as he stared at Kagome with a mixture of surprise and amusement, "is a whole new shade of red . . . . Why is that, Kagome?"
"InuYasha?" Sango asked cautiously, leaning to the side to see a little bit of the hanyou's face.
InuYasha snorted. "Dunno what you're talking about," he growled. "Anyway, nothing happened."
"What do you mean, nothing happened? The sacred jewel couldn't have just purified itself," Miroku remarked.
"Why don't ye tell us exactly what ye were about when the jewel was purified," Kaede prompted.
Kagome stared at her hands and winced, her cheeks growing almost painfully hot. "What we were . . . ? Excuse me," she rasped out as she shot to her feet and fled the hut.
"They're mates," Shippou said without looking up from his tablet of drawing paper.
"What?" three voices exclaimed in varying stages of shock.
InuYasha's flush darkened. "Damn it-"
Miroku suddenly laughed. The harder he laughed, the redder InuYasha's face grew, and the redder his face grew, the madder the hanyou became. "Are you trying to say . . ." Miroku managed between bouts of laughter, "that you were doing that when the jewel purified?"
When InuYasha didn't answer, Miroku's laughter escalated to the point that he wasn't making a sound at all. more of an exhalation than an actual laugh, the monk was in serious danger of passing out from lack of oxygen-or from the very volatile hanyou who was glowering at him as though he'd rather sharpen his claws on Miroku than endure to any more of his teasing.
But when Sango and even Kaede burst into laughter, as well, InuYasha growled viciously and turned on his heel, leaving the rest of his supposed `friends' to their amusement. `Kagome . . . where did she run off to now?' Sniffing the air, InuYasha leaped off toward his forest, hot on the trail of his mate's scent.
Miroku finally wound down to chuckles, wiping his eyes free of the laughter-induced tears. "I suppose I'll have to apologize for that later," Miroku remarked with another chuckle.
Sango shook her head, unable to hide her lingering smile. "I've never heard of such a thing . . . is that even possible?"
Kaede nodded slowly. "Certainly. The union of two souls is, in and of itself, a ritual of purification."
Unable to help himself, Miroku flopped onto his back as laughter took control of him once more. "Did you see their faces?" he gasped out, clutching his stomach as he rolled from side to side in his amusement.
"Miroku, if you make fun of them, you may not live to see our wedding," Sango warned. "InuYasha hasn't ever taken well to teasing . . . ."
Miroku laughed even harder. "I know . . . but their faces! So red!"
Sango tried not to laugh again. She really did. But Miroku was right. The memories of the nearly crimson faces were almost too much to think about without wanting to laugh. She giggled. Kaede's deeper chuckling added to it. Shippou stared at all of them as though they'd lost their minds.
::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::
Rolling his eyes heavenward, InuYasha threw his hands up in the air to ask, "Why did I ever want to bind myself to an impossible woman like you?"
Kagome shot to her feet, towering over the still squatting hanyou, and, balling her fists at her sides, screamed, "Because you love me, baka!"
"Yeah?" InuYasha snarled as he clamored to his feet, too. "Well, you love me, too, wench!"
"That has to be the most demented way to state your feelings for one another that I think I-or the rest of Musashi-has ever heard."
InuYasha and Kagome turned to stare at the monk, who had managed to sneak up on them during their yelling match. Sango stepped up beside the monk though she, at least, was trying to hide her amusement.
"Aw, Sango . . . isn't that sweet? Matching shades of `Purifying-the-Jewel'-red." Turning a speculative gaze on the woman beside him, Miroku blinked a few times before asking, "Say . . . you wouldn't have a jewel in need of purification, would you, my sweet? All for a good cause, you know."
`Please, dear heaven, if there are any gods listening, open the earth and swallow me now,' Kagome pleaded in her head as InuYasha started to growl, advancing slowly on the monk.
"I'll give you ten seconds to move it, lecher, before I give a whole new meaning to `Monk-in-Pain'," InuYasha snarled.
Miroku tried not to laugh . . . . He failed. Sango rolled her eyes and pushed Miroku toward InuYasha. The hanyou leapt at the monk but missed as Miroku sidestepped him, wisely bent on self-preservation.
"Now, now, InuYasha . . . you can't kill me before I get married . . . I want to see if it's really as `nothing special' as you claimed . . . ."
"Fucking dead," InuYasha snarled, drawing Tetsusaiga.
"InuYasha!" Kagome yelled, stepping between the monk and the hanyou. Miroku's laughter died out as he stared in wonder at the vibrant blue blade. "Stop it! Miroku's just joking!"
"You unlocked the power of Tetsusaiga?" Miroku asked quietly, staring from the blade to InuYasha and back again. "How did you figure it out?"
InuYasha snorted as he dropped the sword back into the scabbard and grabbed Kagome before leaping into the higher branches of Goshinboku. "The same way we figured out how to purify the damn jewel," he hollered down. Kagome groaned, burying her face in InuYasha's haori as the hanyou had the nerve to snort.
Miroku sighed. "That is so unfair," he remarked with a slow shake of his head. "They purify the Shikon no Tama and strengthen Tetsusaiga, all by-"
Sango laughed. "We'll see you back in the village," she called over her shoulder as she took Miroku's hand and dragged him back into the foliage. "Come on, houshi-sama, before you embarrass them both enough that Kagome doesn't save you."
Miroku chuckled but let Sango lead him away. "Gives a whole new meaning to the idea of `Red Tetsusaiga, doesn't it?"
"I heard that," InuYasha snarled.
*End Excerpt*
Instead of the author himself, three characters had come up to accept it.
Sesshoumaru: This Sexxhoumaru doesn't think that Sueric deserves this. . . she has completely defiled my name.
Miroku: Oh, look.... That Sueric is now a very nice shade of 'Monk-in-Pain'-red.
InuYasha: ... ... ... Sneaky wench ... ... ...
Miroku: Oh, look.... That Sueric is now a very nice shade of 'Monk-in-Pain'-red.
InuYasha: ... ... ... Sneaky wench ... ... ...
The three and their script form of speech returned to the audience. Flame0f_Ice once again took the stage.
“The other Award is the `Pimp Fiction Award' for Best Parody. And the winner is... A Windy Vindaloo: Naraku's ER Visit by Brownrecluse!”
*Excerpt* WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND SITUATIONS
The doctor picked up the phone, pushed a few buttons, and then waited for the Dictaphone's directions. He held his head low, his right hand shielding him from distraction and unwanted intrusion. He liked to begin his dictations before the patient left the emergency room, for one never knew who or what would walk through those sliding double doors demanding attention. Tonight was no exception. At the automated request, he punched in another code and began to speak.
This is Dr. M. Icchi Pikkatushi, Emergency Department Physician, Our Hime of Migrainas En Perpetua Hospital Emergency Department, Tokyo, dictating Emergency Department consultation for Wednesday, May 6, 2004 23:47 hrs, Subject of Consultation: Onigumo, Naraku.
PATIENT CHIEF COMPLAINT: "FUCK YOU! LEMME OUTTA HERE! THAT LITTLE MIKO CUNT AND HER HANYOU HANDJOB GOT MY SHI ….T …. NO! MAMA! -- THIS IS MY LAST INCARNATION! "
HISTORY OF PRESENT COMPLAINT: Subject is male, approximately twenty-three years of age, brought to the emergency department tonight via ambulance after being discovered with a teenaged female (whose identity, due to her stature as a minor and pending family consent for subsequent psychiatric evaluation for shared delusional behavior, shall remain anonymous) …
Upon arrival, EMS discovered the subject lying face down and nude in what initially appeared to be a mound of animal remains and seaweed in an alleyway near the `Waterfront' district; the female in question was prying a spherical pink object from his hand -- possibly the result a drug-related confrontation. Another acquaintance, described only as an albino in red pajamas, fled the scene shortly before police arrived …
Extrication by EMS and Fire Departments was lengthy and impeded by gusting winds in the area and tenacity of the aforementioned remains to the patient's body, particularly the upper torso and back. These appeared to have been affixed by means of some kind of purplish adhesive, which gave off a foul odor, nauseating most of the crew, three of whom were rendered unconscious, evacuated from scene, and are now pending further evaluation in this department …
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION:
Eyes: Extra-ocular movements grossly intact, although tissues surrounding eyes severely bruised bilaterally. Sclerae quite bloodshot, although patient vehemently denies alcohol abuse. Pupils pinpoint, strangely ovate and dilate in presence of this examiner ... Obsidian wallows where one could drown in ---Ahem! Strike that last part! Subject wearing purple eye shadow.
Nose: Unremarkable. Probably fake.
Lips: thin and dry, possibly related to patient's repeated moistening with what appears to be highly acidic saliva. Patient's tongue also extremely long and pronounced … flicking in and out… repeatedly … a whip for the cock of the damned --- What? StrikeStrikeStrike that!
Genitalia: Patient is …. Er .. What!
(Doctor punches "Pause" button on phone dictation).
"Yes. Nurse?"
(Monotonous overhead page: Security to ER. Stat. Code Red. Security to ER. Stat. Code Red. Security to ER. Stat. Code Red.)
What the hell's going on?"
"It's the girl in Curtain 3, Doctor."
"This guy in a Halloween costume just walked in with some kind of flaming sword thingee -- he's taking her away and threatening to kill the patient in Five and anyone who`ll try to stop him!"
"Nurse! Get the cops back here NOW!"
EMERGENCY ROOM COURSE: Lab studies inconclusive. Laboratory technician stated components of blood plasma contained nonhuman cellular material and had the audacity to suggest this doctor sent animal blood as a joke! Suspect laboratory equipment failure or improper draw through intravenous catheter by that stupid nurse. Redraw ordered. Stat. Urinalysis not obtained as patient forcibly voided bladder contents in midair at time of another patient's abduction while screaming, "THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! THAT HANYOU FUCKWAD! DIE, YOU SONOFABITCH! DIIIEEEEE!"
This is Dr. M. Icchi Pikkatushi, Emergency Department Physician, Our Hime of Migrainas En Perpetua Hospital Emergency Department, Tokyo, dictating Emergency Department consultation for Wednesday, May 6, 2004 23:47 hrs, Subject of Consultation: Onigumo, Naraku.
PATIENT CHIEF COMPLAINT: "FUCK YOU! LEMME OUTTA HERE! THAT LITTLE MIKO CUNT AND HER HANYOU HANDJOB GOT MY SHI ….T …. NO! MAMA! -- THIS IS MY LAST INCARNATION! "
HISTORY OF PRESENT COMPLAINT: Subject is male, approximately twenty-three years of age, brought to the emergency department tonight via ambulance after being discovered with a teenaged female (whose identity, due to her stature as a minor and pending family consent for subsequent psychiatric evaluation for shared delusional behavior, shall remain anonymous) …
Upon arrival, EMS discovered the subject lying face down and nude in what initially appeared to be a mound of animal remains and seaweed in an alleyway near the `Waterfront' district; the female in question was prying a spherical pink object from his hand -- possibly the result a drug-related confrontation. Another acquaintance, described only as an albino in red pajamas, fled the scene shortly before police arrived …
Extrication by EMS and Fire Departments was lengthy and impeded by gusting winds in the area and tenacity of the aforementioned remains to the patient's body, particularly the upper torso and back. These appeared to have been affixed by means of some kind of purplish adhesive, which gave off a foul odor, nauseating most of the crew, three of whom were rendered unconscious, evacuated from scene, and are now pending further evaluation in this department …
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION:
Eyes: Extra-ocular movements grossly intact, although tissues surrounding eyes severely bruised bilaterally. Sclerae quite bloodshot, although patient vehemently denies alcohol abuse. Pupils pinpoint, strangely ovate and dilate in presence of this examiner ... Obsidian wallows where one could drown in ---Ahem! Strike that last part! Subject wearing purple eye shadow.
Nose: Unremarkable. Probably fake.
Lips: thin and dry, possibly related to patient's repeated moistening with what appears to be highly acidic saliva. Patient's tongue also extremely long and pronounced … flicking in and out… repeatedly … a whip for the cock of the damned --- What? StrikeStrikeStrike that!
Genitalia: Patient is …. Er .. What!
(Doctor punches "Pause" button on phone dictation).
"Yes. Nurse?"
(Monotonous overhead page: Security to ER. Stat. Code Red. Security to ER. Stat. Code Red. Security to ER. Stat. Code Red.)
What the hell's going on?"
"It's the girl in Curtain 3, Doctor."
"This guy in a Halloween costume just walked in with some kind of flaming sword thingee -- he's taking her away and threatening to kill the patient in Five and anyone who`ll try to stop him!"
"Nurse! Get the cops back here NOW!"
EMERGENCY ROOM COURSE: Lab studies inconclusive. Laboratory technician stated components of blood plasma contained nonhuman cellular material and had the audacity to suggest this doctor sent animal blood as a joke! Suspect laboratory equipment failure or improper draw through intravenous catheter by that stupid nurse. Redraw ordered. Stat. Urinalysis not obtained as patient forcibly voided bladder contents in midair at time of another patient's abduction while screaming, "THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! THAT HANYOU FUCKWAD! DIE, YOU SONOFABITCH! DIIIEEEEE!"
*End Excerpt*
The woman took the stage and her award. “As anyone who reads my stories knows, I'm a woman of very few, but well-chosen words: Thank you.”
She then left as Flame nodded and left her spot, allowing Psy and Fanilia to once again have the podium.
“Funny? No? Well, too bad, because you had no control over it. Neener neener.” Psy laughed.
“Next up is Romance. Stay tuned!”
**
“Romance. Pah! I knew something of romance once... Well, actually, no I didn't, but it sounded evil, didn't it? Wait a minute, who am I talking to?”
To Be Continued...