Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ The Search for Happiness ❯ Questioning ( Chapter 5 )

The next day, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my alarm clock. I tried to throw a fireball at it, then realized I had to transform to do that. Instead I just knocked it over and it broke. `That's one way to shut up and alarm clock' I thought.

I got dressed. I wore faded hip-hugger blue jeans with holes in both knees and a few horizontal slits that lined the front and back of the pant legs. I then put a on a white turtle-neck sweater that was tight fitting as well as short, exposing my midriff. I went to the mirror and opened my eyes wide with amazement. My hair was a total disaster! Quickly, I took my brush and brushed the mop on my head. `Much better' I thought, when I was finished.

Then I went downstairs for breakfast. I usually eat upstairs by myself (not this time, since the girls are now here) but I wanted to be with the pilots. I don't know why, maybe it's some secret fascination with them because they're supposed to be mass murder weapons. I guess I just wanted to see if there was anything past that. Not to mention I didn't care about Dr. J's rules any more. Now, I do as I please. I stepped in the dinning room and found the pilots eating.

"You're not supposed to be here." Heero said sternly. "Dr. J won't be pleased."

"Listen here buddy, if I cared about what Dr. J says I wouldn't be here! I'll do as I please so get used to it!" I said as I sat next to Trowa.

"Girlfriend's back," whispered Duo to Trowa. Trowa kicked him hard and Duo groaned. We looked at him puzzled. "Uh, I bit my tongue," he said. Wufei rolled his eyes.

"Trowa was telling us about how you two met at the orphanage," said Quatre.

"Talking about me, again? How many times have you mentioned my name this morning?" I asked.

"About 25," answered Wufei.

"You were counting?" Trowa asked.

The Chinese boy made no reply.

"Whatever. So Rei, did you sleep good?"

"That's 26," said Wufei.

"Actually no," I said ignoring him. "I kept waking up to a thunderstorm, a waterfall, the full moon, smashing objects, and finally, my alarm clock."

"That was the girls training with Dr. J," said Duo. "Everything except the alarm clock, that is."

"I should have known," I said. "Ah, late night training with Dr. J. I don't miss it at all."

Then, Dr. J stormed in. "Boys, come and...you! What are you doing here? You're supposed to eat with the girls!"

"Well, pardon my manners," I said sarcastically. "I didn't mean to be rude."

"I'm getting rather impatient with you, young lady."

"Don't the boys sometimes treat you like this?"

"Are you trying to be a boy?"

"What I am trying to do, is learn how to be strong like them! I'm only learning how to fulfill my mission! Nothing will get in the way of that!" I left and went to my room.

"She's a strong, determined, rebellious young girl. Don't let her appearance fool you. She can be dangerous as you already found out. She's had alot of training. Perhaps too much," Dr. J said.

"You heard the guy, Trowa. Don't let her appearance fool you," said Duo. "Looks like we've got another Heero Yuy in the gang."

"Cut it out Duo. I know her, but I'm not so sure I do anymore. She's changed."

In my room I was feeding two blackbirds by my window. They've been coming to me lately. Sometimes I leave the window open and let them come in when they want. Then, I heard the door open, and Trowa came in.

"Nice birds you got there," he said.

"Thanks."

"Friends of yours?"

"Yes."

"You know Catrina-"

"My name is not Catrina, it's Rei."

"Listen to me. I don't know you anymore. Where's the girl that was always smiling, and playing music?"

"I've changed, Trowa."

"Yeah, you have. Just because your name is different doesn't mean your personality has to."

"It does have to. I'll make all the necessary changes in order to complete my mission."

"Catrina-"

"Shut up! My name is Rei Hino! Catrina is dead! That little girl with no family and no life is no more. The helpless orphan that you used to know has died, so except that!"

In agitation, he slapped me hard on my face. I glared hard at him. How could he just do that? I looked in his eyes, the only way I could read his thoughts, only to my dismay and awe, I couldn't read him. They were sternly set, just like his jaw and lips that curved into a frown. I turned away, refusing to look at him and we sat in silence.

Then he spoke and said, "I can't believe you have the nerve to say that to me. Doesn't it occur to you that some people care about you?"

"No one cares. My own parents left me! I don't give a damn anyway because I can go on without anybody! I've been doing it most of my life and will continue doing so."

"That's not true, so don't you start talking shit like that. People do care."

"Oh yeah? Then who cares about me, you?" I looked at him. He was looking out the window towards the horizon. The sun shined in his eyes, hair, and face.

"Actually, yes. I do."

I was completely shocked. W-w-What did he mean by that? I've never had anyone have feelings for me, and to start now was completely awkward. I decided to change the subject so I said, "Off to fight again, Trowa?"

"Yes. How'd you know?"

"I always know. It's a mental thing I've had since I was little."

"Well, I'd better go get ready. Why don't you meet me at the launch pad at 3:00 P.M.? See you there Catrina," he said as he walked out.

I sat there silently. Why did he have to be so friggin' stubborn? Why did he have to push things too far? Then again I was probably as stubborn as he was.

The blackbirds were staring at me with their eyes filled with concern. Even these birds cared about me. Trowa cared. Despite the way I just treated him, he still cared about me. Maybe I was wrong all this time. I thought no one cared for me, that I would be alone forever. I knew Trowa felt the same when we were little, but that was different. Now was different. Now I began to question all that was taught to me over the years, all the training. Were feelings really necessary during war?

Heero Yuy was a perfect example of how being unafected by your surroundings will always bring you victory. I longed to be like that emotionless boy, I thought that's what made him so strong. It was the impression I recieved I was supposed to be like when Dr. J told me first that socializing, or being sidetracked, would only make things difficult for me. That was truly the case for now I was starting to question my abilities and sense of justice.

Justice. I'm sure Wufei knew what that word meant. Of the short period of time I've known him, I've discovered that through those deep dark eyes of his is a feeling and sense of justice and integrity that I've never seen in a person. I was told that at one point even he began to question his own abilities and felt incapable of fighting. Were the questions that were in my heart the same ones he asked himself?

Kindness, I concluded, was unnecessary in war; at least when you were fighting. If that was true, then why did Dr. J recruit Quatre Raberba Winner? In his eyes you can clearly see the pure soul of a kind-hearted young boy. You'd never think he'd become a soldier, let alone a Gundam Pilot. He was just too kind-hearted. With such a pure soul, I wondered how he would view the pervertedness of war. Maybe he despised it, and because of his kindness wants the whole world to be rid of the filth, so that mankind could once again be pure...that is, if it was ever pure to begin with.

Duo Maxwell, now there was a mystery that perhaps I would never understand. To understand Heero was easy, he was always calm and reserved. Duo, on the otherhand, is so unpredictable with his wild habits and comments. You think that Dr. J wouldn't even consider him to be a Gundam Pilot being how reckless and irresponsible he is. Perhaps that trait was in his favor though. War is just as reckless and erratic as Duo. Perhaps Dr. J figured using war's own strength could be used as its own weakness if used against it. So Duo was hired for the job.

What of me? Where do I fit in with all this? I think I've figured out Dr. J's intentions and strategy in selecting these five very different personalities. How was my personality essential in his plan for ending the war? Perhaps I have nothing to do with the war at all. Maybe it's a matter of my own personal battle I have to face with myself. But what? What is Dr. J trying to tell me?

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~*~Lady Pheonix~*~