Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Abuse This ❯ 07 ( Chapter 7 )

Title: Abuse This - Seven

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Dark Angst

Pairing: 1x2, 2x2, 3x2, 2x4/4x2, 5x2

Rated: R

Archive: Anria's Lunacy in Two Forms - http://www.geocities.com/evilchibi/ - Down for the time being…

Aya Maxwell's Aenai Ai- http://aenai.steelsong.com/

Lily's Site - http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/gundam_wing_fanart/

Dacia's a little piece of gundam wing - http://raygunworks.net

Warning: Willing rape, lemons, swearing, abused Duo-chan

Note: >.< This was the most frustrating part I've ever written for this story. And everyone knows about my little rule of `give feedback when you only have time'. Well, I'm going to tweek it a bit today. "Give Feedback when you have something inspiring to say". Heh. I really need it. I've been talking to Makiko while I was revising this for the last time, third time in fact, and she knows how nervous I am about posting this. ^_^ So, tell me your favorite part, your gut reactions…I want to know if I hit you guys with any thing. Good day and thanks for waiting patiently! *bows*

Special Thanks: To Dacia, who finally gave in to host this story. Arigato!

And, of course, to Masamune who stuck with me through this whole frustrating ideal…even when I was frustrated with him. ^_^

For some reason, I feel like I'm missing someone to thank…Gomen nasai, I'll remember probably right after I post this. >.< But, just for that special case, THANK YOU ALL who became good fans for this story and who never failed to write even the smallest review to stand out from those people. *bows* Thank you for your patience while I tried my best on this part.

It was no easy task escaping. I nearly bulldozed Quatre over and ran Heero through a wall. Trowa was the lucky one, having to stay on the couch since his balls hurt too much. Quatre's begging and Heero's curses still rang in my head. I had to get out; out from the house that was nothing but memories, away from Wufei who I didn't see when I ran out of my room. I was a jumble of emotion, back in my room as I hurried to throw on my clothes. I wanted to run away from there, away from them. I wanted, then, to rip off my own skin, claw it off, and paste it on the walls. I wanted to run from my jumbled mind, crack it open on the windowsill and pull it right out. I wanted to throw myself into the walls, bounce off them like little bouncing balls. I wanted to tear out my hair, not even bothering to take a knife to it, so I could have the pleasure of pulling out each and every greasy strand. I wanted to return all this pain, all this goddamn, fucking agony to the men that caused it, that drove me to this insanity. Give it to them on a golden plate. Shove it up their asses like their cocks drove into mine.

After running from the house, I found myself at the lake; staring at the ripples I created each time I threw a rock into the water.

Strangely enough, the ripples were comforting me. They gave me something to stare at, gave me something to forget. They didn't make me think, they didn't force me to feel. They were just there, like my drugs. They soothed me, held me, made everything bad in the world go away. Like my drugs. But just like them, they needed a recharge. A new hit, or a new rock. And every time I paused to continue the cycle, everything would come rushing back. But I knew, just beyond all these memories of mine, was the cover of calmness. It's all I needed. Just something like that. Something I never had.

But there was always the premonition. The knowledge that pain stood overhead, and it was going to strike every time the comfort stopped. Like a hammer banging on my head. Like the first, forceful thrust that ripped everything the relief put together into shreds. Agony, comfort, pain, reassurance; a never-ending cycle.

Does it ever end?

I sighed heavily, leaning hard against my knees. I didn't think it ever did. Maybe this was just my life. To always be sorry for myself. To always wish for something more. To always cry, and whine, and…be simply screwed up. To blame everybody else for my problems. To be the real deadly cause of my pain. The one who spread his legs, the one who opened his mouth, the one that started it all.

Sometimes, I felt I like I was choking on it.

On my pain.

Sometimes, I felt I was drowning in it.

In my hate.

Sometimes, I felt buried in it.

In my fury.

And I did nothing to solve the problem.

I crossed my ankles slowly, the rocks surrounding the log I was on cracking against each other on my movement. I sent another rock to its doom with a quick twist of my wrist, my eyes feeling heavy as I stared out across the pond. I wondered then if I really even should care about myself anymore. I mean…I…Did it matter what my mind wanted and what my body did not? Everything was so screwed up inside of me. Maybe I was just fooling myself…

Maybe I was insane.

I closed my eyes slowly and hung my head. The ripples were gone. The pain was back. The memories of all their hands, of all their mouths licking and teasing and stroking my skin endlessly. Always so dirty…I couldn't wash it away because it was inside of me. I couldn't empty the filth that had soaked into my veins. I couldn't wash it away when it was in my genes, in my cells, in my head. The dirt that kept surrounding my brain…making me want to scream.

My eyes were wet.

My tears were dirty as well. They were the same tears that I spilled on the pillows when I just let them take what they wanted. The same tears when I shut myself up in the closet and poured each and every one of them onto Trowa's shirt.

These were the only crystals of dirt that I could wipe away. The only opening that seeped the agony and the filth out.

Now you know why I wish I could just open up my skin.

*****

Dusk…was a very beautiful thing. It gave the world a new color before the darkness set in. It made everything gold…the trees, the water, the ground, the log…even me. It made my pale skin look tan, something I've never been my entire life. I appreciated the sun then; it was like it was trying to give me something that I never had. Trying to make me look normal, fit in with everything else that was surrounding me. I was warm, just like the rocks. I was vibrant, just like the water. I was alive, just like the trees. I was apart of something, not left out, not betrayed by the environment.

I realized that I really did want to live in Montana.

I was still sitting there when dusk fell. I was still watching the ripples of the water when I heard footsteps approach. I swallowed thickly and hung my head lower, shadowing my gaze away from the golden licked water. The rocks informed me of the stranger's presence, of how close he was to me. I prayed to the sun that it would not give its golden glow to this stranger; to not accept him into the beauty that I was welcomed into.

"Don't you think you should come home now?" He asked.

I shook my head quickly, like a spoiled child. The short strands from my hair, the ones that slipped from my hastily made braid, slapped my cheeks with their soft tentacles. I lifted my head and continued my search in the horizon, the search for something I didn't know if I could find. The stranger behind me sighed and took a few steps up from behind me. I could feel him just behind me; I could hear the rustle of his jeans as he placed his hands into his pockets. Then he grew still and I knew he was searching the same horizon I was endlessly looking at. What he was searching for, I didn't know. But we lapsed into silence, and I can't tell you now if I was comfortable with just our two breathings filling the void of the birds lightly singing in the distance. Or uncomfortable with his presence, my shadow becoming one with his. I just held myself, my windbreaker making gentle noise as I closed my arms around myself and tucked my legs closer. It was getting colder…Why didn't he say something…?

"I've always liked it here," he said suddenly and I stopped my shifting, eyes darting to the water that was lapping against the wet rocks. A couple of my bangs got caught in my eyelashes but I didn't push them away.

"Its…its nice," he continued shakily. "I've got good memories here."

Oh, God, I thought, eyes closing.

"Why…Don't you?" He asked slowly and I could feel his stare at the back of my neck. I wished I could have shook it off, I wished I could have said something to make him go away. I didn't want this…not now.

"What happened?" He asked. "What happened to you?"

I didn't answer him.

"This morning…" He whispered. "Why?"

I couldn't answer him.

"I've…never seen you like that," he continued softly and I heard him kneel behind me. My eyes closed tighter. "You…you looked like…" He stopped, falling into the silence to listen to the gentle tap of the water stroking the land over and over again. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. I sat still, hugging myself tighter, waiting, and waiting…just until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Like what, Heero?" I asked him slowly. When minutes passed between us. When I could feel nothing but his breath on my neck.

"I…" He said shakily, trailing off with nothing to say. My lips parted, my eyes squeezed shut a little bit tighter.

"Like I wanted to die?" I whispered, the words barely leaving my lips. I opened my eyes, parting them just slightly. They were wet again, the pain just beginning to stir and bubble over.

"Did I look insane?" I asked him, not daring to bring my voice farther then a whisper. Not challenging the tears on the tilting surface to break with my voice.

"Did I look wrong to you?" I continued softly, my head falling slowly. A tear trickled free from the corner of my eye, slowing down on my cheekbone, until it held, as if frozen by the dirt covering my face.

"No," Heero answered immediately but his voice cracked. And I knew what he would say next. There was barely even a pause, before I heard the rustle of his head falling.

"Yes," he breathed and I heard his hands fall onto the rocks below us as he nearly lost his balance. "Please…Duo…"

"Please what, Heero?" I asked, my eyes filling again.

"Just tell me…Just tell me, Duo…" He begged softly. Why was he like this now? Why was he so soft when no one else was watching? Why could I feel him wanting to touch me, wanting to hold me? Why was it now that he was so careful about my feelings, when he was around other people, he would crash them down without notice, without care, without knowing? Why the special treatment when nobody would see it? "Please…Just…"

"Tell you what?" I asked and another tear fell from the same eye. It slowed then stopped next to its companion. "Tell you the truth…?"

"Anything…" he replied. I shook my head only once and immediately his arms were around me. I stiffened in shock, a gasp parting from my cracked lips, and my spine bent to the position it wasn't suppose to go by the unexpected attack. I felt him bury the side of his face against my shoulder blade, arms sickeningly tight and trapping my limbs to me. I closed my eyes tightly, my spine burning in pain from my stiff body and tilted my head up, trying to keep my face away from his hair. My two tears that were once frozen suddenly continued on their way and caught on my jaw…paused…then fell away, leaving as the only evidence a wet trail of their existence.

"Heero," I choked and he suddenly released me. And just as quickly I was spun around, not even given the time to open my eyes, when his lips melted into mine. I breathed in sharply and he intruded into my cavern, into the dirty cave, while his arms held me close. I felt his heart beat sharply against my chest, pounding into a rhythm he found all on his own. And it was slow. Ever, so slow. Nothing, at first, but a gentle caress. Nothing but being held too close and be joined at the lips. He scooped my mouth gently, reintroducing himself to the moist walls within. His hands stroked my back, massaged my waist.

My tears fell heavier because I knew it wouldn't last. And because I didn't fight back.

I was spun around again and forced down onto the rocks by Heero's body. His tongue began to get quicker, his massaging turning more hasty. And all I did was lie there. Who cared if Duo didn't want his lips kissed? Who cared if Duo didn't want the hands removing his pants? Who cared what he wanted? Heero didn't seem to notice my non-responding body. He seemed to just enjoy swallowing both of our saliva and feeling my body all over, just like so many endless nights before. As long as he got what he wanted, he was content.

Heero slowly released my lips and started trailing those ugly lips down my neck. And I lay there; staring at the sky as the gold began to get overridden with the darkness. My hands stayed lazily against the rocks, limp and curled fingers reaching for heaven, above my head where they'd fallen when I was tossed back. I stared at the first star I saw even after Heero removed both my jacket and my shirt over my head.

Star Bright, Star Light…I mouthed to myself as Heero's burning lips kissed around my stomach, trying to earn a response from me…or at least, I hoped he was. Or maybe he just needed me again to wipe off his concerns like a clean slate. To erase all the pain, to forget all the previous questions. Nobody can stop their nasty habits…

Even me.

…First star I see tonight. I wish, I may…His lips were sucking at my nipple, like a fond baby. And like the traitor it was, the stupid thing responded, standing up hard and straight for Heero's tongue.

…I wish, I might. My pants were down and I closed my eyes.

Have this wish I wish tonight.

I wish…I didn't feel.

*****

We laid out there longer then we should have. Actually, Heero had fallen asleep and I…I had just laid there. Staring at the star glittered skies. His arm was thrown over my stomach, his face against the pebbles. Breathing lightly against my shoulder. I just lay there. He seemed content all over again. Laying peacefully in the outdoors. The small whistles of crickets far off. I just lay there. I lay there for hours…I didn't move at all. I was back in my void, my emotionless, empty void…And I was so thankful. To move is not to feel, to feel is not to move. My body was numb, my mind was dumb.

Then where did these tears come from?

Tears that trail down my eyes like blood dripping from a corpse's wound?

What is this taste in my mouth…so much like acid?

Why does my heart pound so hard even after the hard part has gone?

Maybe the hard part hadn't even started yet.

Maybe the hard part was always after, when the pants stop, and the blood heals. Maybe it was after I face the truth. That…no one really did love me and that hurt the most. That even after I thought my job was done during the war, I was still needed. I was still the little cunt to relieve all of Heero's emotions, to make Wufei forget, like alcohol. And the thing I wanted so badly, that I always wanted since the very first time I spread my legs, was love. The love that Quatre and Trowa had. That bond that you felt when you walked in the room. The stuff that you always admired from a distance…knowing you can't have that.

I didn't want to be the whore. I wanted love. I didn't want to be the cunt. I wanted love.

But I couldn't have that.

I swallowed down the acid, sewed up the bleeding wound, and slowly calmed my heart.

But it wasn't enough.

Then I gradually stood up, successfully not disturbing the killer beside me. I collected what clothes were thrown off, the needed clothes to get to the appropriate place, and slipped them back on.

It still didn't cover it up.

Then, slowly, I trudged back to the cabin, leaving Heero and the tears still glistening on the rocks, behind.

But it was still with me.

*****

They were so beautiful, lying there. The shadows were trying to eat up the light from the television set, but it still reached the sleeping couple on the couch. Quatre was looking like a scrunched up doll, one leg tucked under him and between the couch, while another was stretched across the brown leather, his bare foot dug under the arm of the love seat, trying to seek warmth away from the cool night air. The rest of his upper body was splayed upon his lover, his tiny nose pressing lovingly to a covered pelvic ab. A trickle of a blonde strand was caught in his fluttering eyelashes, shifting with every closed blink and every eye movement from within as he dreamed. His right hand had fallen up above his head in an odd straight position, dug under Trowa's arm. Though Trowa's arm looked more comfortable, with just the tips of his fingers grazing Quatre's neck. The ex-Heavyarms pilot had rested his head against the other arm of the couch, the dark outlines from the light of TV and the shadows of room covering his eyes more efficiently than his bangs could. His dry lips were parted to breathe; he never breathed through his nose in his sleep. And their two hands had fallen off the side of the couch, reaching to each other just above the ground, but still not touching. Curled, smooth fingers that with a soft shift would encounter the harder flesh of his mate…and then those fingers would undoubtedly intertwine with the other, even in sleep.

Yes, they were so beautiful. Always so beautiful together. The perfect couple. The perfect, soon-to-be married couple. It was like they were always together, even in childhood. They knew each other so well, before they even met. How could I stand up to that? How could I say that I was better for the blonde prince? How could I say that the things Trowa did to me were because he loved me?

"Oh, God…" I whispered and pressed my forehead against the open doorframe. It was cool; the wooden finish smooth to the touch against my greasy forehead. I wanted to cry so bad that it hurt. I was nothing to them. Nothing…nothing! My lips begin to tremble and I tightened my eyes closed. They had everything…love, beauty, admiration, perfection. It was like they were from another world…the example of what a beautiful and happy existence everybody wanted. And I…I wanted it so much!

A small tear slipped past and went down my bony cheek.

I wanted to be loved like that. I wanted to come home and curl up with my lover and fall asleep in his arms. And it hurt so much to see my desire right in front of me that I wanted to cry…and crying would only bring more agony.

Breath trembling past my broken lips, I looked up and peered through my misty eyes. The perfect example was still there, laughing at my heartache. Oh, God…Why…Why did you leave me, Quatre…?

I didn't even think about what I was doing. But I noticed that my feet were carrying me across the floor and I was nearing my own craving wish. And then I was standing right above them, watching their set breathing and their eyes flicker as they dreamed past my agony that was eating me up inside. So I did the thing I wanted to do so bad…and didn't think anything about being caught or being seen.

I leaned down and ran my fingers across Quatre's forehead, the strand that was caught being freed by my fingertips. So beautiful…in light or day. So elegant…the angel that dreams. My eyes were filled with tears when I brought my head down and placed a gentle kiss upon my once lover's cheek. A tear slipped free from my ravaged eyes and fell upon his flesh. I got up and turned away.

I didn't bother to wipe away my pain from his cheek. It would be gone by morning anyway.

*****

Morning was just creeping over the hill when my door opened. I was awake already, not having much to dream about anyway. Instead, I curled up in a futile ball and just stared at my clock, still sitting on the floor. I continued not to think. I continued not to feel. My eyes hurt too much from all the crying I had shed that day aka night before. I wasn't about to start all over again. I wasn't about to do it and make my pillow wet. A wet pillow wasn't something I needed.

"Duo."

It was Trowa. My eyebrows immediately curled up and I rolled onto my back, looking up confused. Why was he in my bedroom? So early, even before Quatre got up? I slowly got up in a sitting position and placed my hands into my lap.

"Oh," I said slowly, eyebrow lifting when my thinker light bulb went off. "I'm sorry about your balls, man."

Trowa coughed and looked away, towards my window. My eyebrow fell again with my confusion. Isn't that what he wanted? An apology?

"I didn't come in here to talk about that," Trowa explained monotonously.

Oh. Well, I didn't think so.

"I wanted to talk about last night."

My heart fell with my head. Great. Couldn't even leave me alone for a minute.

"About Quatre."

"What about him?" I mumbled, sinking down into my bed and pulling the blankets up to my chest. Thinking. I was beginning to think again.

"Do you like him?" Trowa asked slowly. My head jerked up - too fast. I hit the back of my skull against the board and automatically, my hand went up to cover the sore spot. But I just couldn't tear my attention from Trowa to the pain. What did he say?

"Duo…" Trowa sighed, taking my silence and shock for a `yes'. "I know…what happened with us earlier…" I waited for him to continue, but instead he just stared out the window. Well, if he wasn't going to say it, maybe I should help him along the way.

"Yeah?" I probed. "You mean when you fucked me in the shower? Or when you slammed me up in the middle of the woods? Or how about the shuttle scene-." I cut myself off purposely when Trowa looked at me so sharply that I thought he would slit my throat by his stare. I gulped the rest of my speech down, heart constricting painfully in my chest. Why…Why was he so mad…?

"Yes," Trowa hissed. "That."

I-If anything…I-I should b-be mad…

"Look, Duo," Trowa said heatedly, his voice nothing above a whisper. "That's over, okay? It was just one big mistake. You tricked me."

What!? Tricked you!?!

"What? Why are you giving me that look?" Trowa said. He was practically snarling at me! "You did trick me, Duo. And I don't even know WHY I came back to you."

I didn't even notice the anger bristling just in the pit of my stomach, snarling for release. Just hours before, I was so envious of the thing he had. The thing I had wanted so much. Something that I couldn't have because I messed up everything in my life. And then, here I was again…refusing to admit that he might be right. I might have done some things wrong, I might have made some mistakes. But to think, Trowa, that I tricked you? I did not! Maybe, once, the very first time! But it was you who came back! I never did anything afterwards! You kept coming back! So why did you come back to me, Trowa? Maybe because Duo Maxwell is the best fucking ass in the Earth Sphere!! `Cause Duo Maxwell made you beg to stick your fuckin' pitiful cock up my ass!!!

"But listen here. All of that; that's in the past. What I felt for you, that doesn't stand up for what happens now. You don't breathe a word to Quatre, or I swear to God…I won't let you ruin that!"

Is he threatening me? Does he honestly think I would ruin Quatre's life because Trowa Barton, lover of the first love of my life, felt horrible about the whore he shared a bed with?

"And stay away from Quatre," he whispered more venomously. "I saw what you did last night. He's mine and I won't let you trick him like you did to me."

Stay away…? Trick him…? Fuck you, Trowa! You think you have it so bad, don't you!? You made those mistakes you are accusing me of! So afraid that perfect little Quatre, your fuckin' angel, would dump you when he's done the exact same thing that you did!: LEAVE ME! My lips parted, my eyes flashing with energized anger. But I could barely scream in outrage, before Trowa stepped in again.

"Shut up! Do you hear? Do you understand?" Trowa threatened, coming right to the edge of my bed. My fists were crumbling up the sheets, so white and pale. I wanted to rip them to shreds, like I wanted to tear Trowa into nothing. Scar his Latin skin, bring a torch right up to his face and burn it all off. But I did none of that. I didn't do what my imagination did in my head. Instead, I let him walk away. Back straight, head held up high. I glared at the door he disappeared through, breathing deeply through my parted lips. I had to find some control. Find some control to the anger that was ripping me up inside, tearing my sanity into shreds. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that Trowa thought I was the cause of all his guilt, of all his painful mistakes. Like I had shot him in the back. I didn't do anything!! I didn't! I offered, he took and took and took and took! Even when I hated it, he took! His past was his! Not mine! Nothing! I did nothing!

I grabbed my pillow, gripping onto it tight. I stared at the cover, at the unmistakable designs in the fabric. And then I beat it down over and over again on my legs, screaming inwardly in rage. How dare he blame me for his pain! How dare he think I was proud of the fact that I bounced on his cock like I was on a trampoline! How dare he think I have no pain, no suffering in this ugly skin!!

I struck again and again, but it didn't hurt me. I wish it did. I struck again and again.

How dare any of them ignore me! How dare they forget about me and what I did for them!!!!

I wanted to scream so badly. I was panting, making small noises in my throat, but I didn't speak. I just kept striking my legs until I couldn't stand it. I threw the pillow away and it hit my closed window. I started beating my legs and bed with my fists in wild vengeance.

How could they do this to me!? I saved their fucking lives!! I was the hero! I was the hero!! You should all be thanking me! You should have all this pain; you should have all this PAIN!!

I cried then, tears trekking down my cheeks. But I didn't stop; my control was out the window, lost in the woods. I kept striking even as my arms got tired and my legs were sore. I kept falling the fists I wanted to slam in their faces.

Would you all be so happy if you went through what I did!? How would you like it if I took you whenever I wanted, slapped you around whenever I got angry, fucked you until we both bled!? There is my agony! There is my insanity! Your cocks! Your cocks ruined me!!! And mine should ruin yours!!

I couldn't stop myself from pounding the bed. I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop…!

How dare you be happy while I was miserable!!

How dare you forget everything I gave you!!

How dare you blame me!!

How dare you keep raping me!!

How dare you get away with it!!

You're all bastards! I hate you, I hate you!

I'll never love you again! I'll never save you again! Without me, you're nothing! You're nothing!!

Your cocks are my pain!! Your hands are my agony!!

I'll make you all pay! I will! I'll make you all wish you fucking died!!!

My beating slowed; I was panting heavily through my tears.

I'll make you pay! I'll make you pay!

I'll make you pay. I'll make you pay.

I'll make you pay…I'll make you pay….

My right fist connected with the bed one last time.

I will…

I won't forgive you…

…you'll pay…

TBC…