Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Abuse This ❯ 08 ( Chapter 8 )

Title: Abuse This - Eight

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Dark Angst

Pairing: 1x2, 2x2, 3x2, 2x4/4x2, 5x2

Rated: R

Archive: Aya and Sonny's Aenai Ai - http://aenai.steelsong.com/

Silver Crucifix - http://www.silvercrucifix.com

Dacia's a little piece of gundam wing - http://raygunworks.net - In the Singles section! ^_^

Summary: The war can do damage. But friends can do worse. And Duo has found out the hard way. After giving up his very body to the soldiers of the Gundams, Duo is left with only one choice: Revenge. Cold-blooded revenge.

Warning: Willing rape, lemons, swearing, abused Duo-chan.

NEW WARNING! : Bastardized-Duo. Yeahhh…you heard me…*blinks when people begin to pick up hay forks and torches*……I have a feeling…that you aren't happy with me…

Note: T_T My friend didn't like this part. She's mad at me and hasn't spoken to me really. I feel…bad. But this is where the story was going to go when I started planning it! >.< And I hope to God I don't disappoint any more people. I'd feel awful if I do. So don't tell me! Makes me feel better not knowing….^______^ Again, reviews if you have time…^____^

SPECIAL THANKS! : To Lily, who helped BIGLY with the plot when I couldn't make up my mind. *nuzzle*

To Ais…I KNOW there is a reason I'm thanking you! >.< Remind me how you helped me? I know you did….>.<

I'd like to tell you that I blanked out after that. I'd like to tell you that I didn't know what I was doing, that I just lost it for a while. But, the truth is, I didn't. The truth is that I knew exactly what I was doing. I was completely focused; I plotted everything with a clear head. The only difference with me that would have been the only clue that I might have `lost it' was that I just stopped feeling. Stopped feeling all those tender emotions; care, guilt, pain, love. It was like a switch in my head and I casually flicked it off. The main frame to my emotions shut down; I didn't care about anything for them. Not even Quatre. All I was made up of was living, breathing hate. Revenge. Anger. The pain I had? It was stored away in a little pretty package, waiting to be shoved in their faces when they least expected it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I came out of my room about an hour later and found out, by quietly searching the house, that Quatre, Wufei, and Heero were gone and probably left some time ago. To where, I didn't really care. All I knew was that Trowa and I were alone. It was too perfect.

*****

"Trowa?"

I watched him turn away from the desk, a book open on its surface. A cool breeze rushed eagerly into the cabin from the open window in front of the table and brushed the pages that he no longer held down. They folded open slowly as Trowa's burning green eyes settled upon my timid form in the doorway. I calmly put my hands behind me, summoning up a wavering smile against the glare that tried to slice me up in two. I could just imagine it as well; his glare burning a large hole right into the center of my being and out everything tumbled - the dirt, the blood, the lies. My grin became more forced, but I knew he couldn't tell the difference.

"You okay to listen now?" I asked softly. Trowa snorted and turned his back to me again. I rolled my eyes to his closed back, sucking on my inner lip with annoyance.

"Listen to what?" Trowa asked moodily, trying to find his page again after the wind had played with it. I took a slow step into the room, my eyebrows curled pathetically upwards.

"Like-," I paused, as if trying to call up strength. "Like I'm not in love with Quatre."

He slowly looked over his shoulder, this time keeping his hand over the pages. "Oh?"

"Last night…" I explained hesitantly, a blush welling up to my cheeks. "I'm just grateful, you know?"

"Go on," Trowa said, his tone blank.

"For what he's done," I said, bringing my hands around to play with my cotton gray shirt. "For what he's trying to do. You know, help me."

Trowa remained silent and I looked up at him slowly through my bangs, my hands moving slower over the buttons of my top.

"I love him…as a friend," I finished, sounding hopeful. Trowa kept staring at me and I played with my inner cheek before intertwining my fingers and stretching my arms, trying to be as casual as possible now. Slowly, I rose my clasped hands and put them behind my head, digging my nails into my messily pulled back hair.

"I…made ya lunch," I said, shrugging slowly. "To clear up the…misunderstanding."

"Why were you crying last night?" Trowa asked suddenly and I froze. My eyes stayed in their last position, across the room and out the shinny window. I almost forgot to breathe and I cursed myself; I didn't expect the question. I didn't think he'd care. I smiled darkly to myself, dropping my hands. So he was…concerned about my tears, eh? What a weirdo. First he's ready to beat the shit out of me for kissing that disgusting bastard and yet he wants to know if I'm all right. Freak.

"Duo?"

"S-Sorry," I said and looked over at him. "I don't want to talk about it. It can wait."

"Tell me."

"No," I said firmly, my eyebrows narrowing a bit. "I don't want to tell you anything."

"Why?"

I breathed in sharply with my nose, inhaling the anger I felt bristling the surface. So now he wanted to talk. So now he wanted to share stories. He wanted now to hear all my problems. I wanted to throw something at him. Couldn't he see it was a little late for that? What a fucking bastard. He threatens me, yet he's willing to sit there and ask if I need help. That fucking…fucking…how dare he…

I started playing with the inside of my cheek again. I could control the rage. I could. But I couldn't lie this time.

"You never wanted to listen before," I accused quietly. He looked quickly startled and then slightly angry with me. His eyes began to get hard again.

"Well, its not like you suggested talking over a cup of tea," he returned. My eyes flashed hotly, cheeks slightly aflame this time with anger instead of embarrassment.

"And its not like I could suggest it when you were ripping off my clothes," I scolded, breath hitching with rage, but not letting it reach my voice. Trowa's body visibly tensed and I opened my mouth to continue. I was dying to continue. I wanted SO MUCH to just shove it in his face, to get it out. But I slapped my jaw shut before I went to far. No, explaining things would wait. That could all wait.

My eyes suddenly watered and I dunked my head. "Sorry, Trowa." I didn't look at him again, but I heard the creak of the chair as he stood up. I lowered my head farther, gripping onto the end of my shirt. It reminded me of that stormy night I was with Heero. I was in the middle of room and I had yelled at him, pushed him over the edge. I was so frozen with terror that I could only duck my head and await the blow that did come. I was punished after that for speaking my mind. I guess Heero liked his bitches silent.

"I guess I deserved that."

I jerked, startled, completely taken off-balance. I threw my head up, gaping at Trowa who loomed overhead. He managed a weak grin.

"Now, where's my lunch?" He asked. I mutely pointed towards the door and off he went. I stared at his back as he walked in front of me and my shock vanished suddenly. I resisted the urge to snort. Freaky bastard.

*****

I stared at Trowa's expressionless face as it laid on the kitchen table, bangs nearly covering his Latin skin. A cigarette dripped from my dry lip as I casually pulled the bottle of beer free from the fingertips as Trowa slowly lapsed into sleep. I sniffed and looked around the quiet cabin, devoid of life save me and him, before scratching my nose thoughtfully. I turned back to look at the sleeping bastard before pulling myself up onto the table. I took a slow drag from my drug, staring off out the window above the kitchen sink in front of me. Hot sunlight ran across the table I sat on, warming the surface where my hand rested; I let myself blank out for a while, not really thinking about anything but the wonderful burning in my lungs. The end of the cigarette lit up with a fiery glee with each intake I brought. My eyes slowly slipped closed.

Confused? Let me help you.

Drugs were a wonderful thing. They made you forget, acted like a friend, made you feel damn good about yourself, and they also could do the nastiest shit to your `buddies'. I tapped the drizzle of my drug over Trowa's cheek, smirking to myself as the black debris burned angrily against his skin before giving out. Or in this case, knock out somebody cold. Of course, I didn't use MY drugs on the jerk; I wasn't wasting anything else on him. I just simply went to the cabinets in the bathroom and took out sleeping pills. Genius, uh?

So while Trowa had his back to me, I cracked open one of the pills and splattered the dust into the tomato soup and some in his drink. Of course, he kind of had a heart attack when I slapped a beer down in front of him.

"Where the hell did you get that?" He had asked, glaring at me. I shrugged it off.

"Wufei," I replied.

"Wufei doesn't drink," he had argued.

"Yeah, right," I said with a dead chuckle. "He loves a drink. You should ask him when he gets home."

I took another long sip from my cigarette, dazedly staring off before sighing in dismissal to my daydreams. I looked down at my sleeping comrade before smashing my half-used smoke into the table. I had to get going, before everybody else arrived. I wasn't ready to receive them. I smiled humorlessly to myself as I grabbed a chunk of my `friend's' hair and pulled his face from the surface of the counter.

"Well, Trowa, my buddy," I spat with a dead grin. "Let's roll with the punches, mmmkay?"

With that, I raised my fist and slammed it against his face.

*****

I felt…like shit. Real, good, poopie shit. My bottom lip is puffy from the hit I received and I cut my lip and tongue on my teeth. I have a nasty aftertaste. My lungs are burning from the running, even if it was some time ago. I suppose maybe it was fear still draining out my air supply. I didn't expect all of them to jump me. I own now more bruises then I can count and I can't properly sit down because a guy gutted a broken bottle into my upper leg. I wasn't sure how I was going to really explain that one, so I bandaged it up as soon as I got home and hoped that it would never be noticed. If it was, I supposed I would have to think on my toes. But other then that, I'm relatively unharmed. I saved most of the blows from the tender areas so I was still able to see what's in front of my face. If not, I didn't know how I would have seen the small opening between their legs to get away.

You see, I went to a harmless bar. I wasn't even looking for trouble. Really. Wufei's bike was just innocently sitting by and I couldn't help myself. So, anyway, I had gotten a few men mad while drinking and the fight had ended up in the alley when I was gonna come on home. I expected only the big guy to throw a few hits and leave me against the wall after I didn't fight back. Obviously, the rest of the guys were the goonies from the bad crowd. I let them hit whatever they wanted but my face and even then they got a knock in or two. I guess it was just a good thing that I could still run pretty quick.

"Don't you dare walk away empty-handed!" Quatre's voice floated through the open screen door of the cabin. I waited half a beat, clasping and tightening my fist back and forth. I heard a thump from upstairs where I dumped Trowa's fat lug. I jumped from one foot to another and back again, working my face with practiced ease - and I thought I would have trouble looking fucking scared out of my mind.

No, facing Heero and Wufei was making me want to pee my pants.

Focus, you idiot! I screamed mentally, eyebrows falling as I took in sharp and quick intakes of breath. Soon enough, they'll be scared of you.

"Quatre! Oh, God, QUATRE!" I screamed bursting out of the house and flying down the steps. I fell nearly down most of them, splinters running into my hand as I grabbed desperately at the banister to slow my decent. I fell right into Wufei's full arms, instinctively clinging onto the disgusting life form with a death grip. I ignored his brief cursings as the products from the grocery scattered on the forest floor, only noticing how he cut off abruptly when I didn't let go of him and I was shaking, trembling with fear…and of course, anger, but he wouldn't notice that unless I hit him with a 2 by 4.

"What's wrong?" came Wufei's startled tone and I hugged onto him tighter as I grinded my teeth together. I could do this. I could SO fucking do this.

"Who did this?" Heero demanded, eyes narrowed under his bushy eyebrows as he glared at me then at the house, as if the cabin and me had an argument in the backseat and it was all it's fault. "Is someone in there? Who is it?"

"Only Trowa," I mumbled against Wufei's bare skin, arms tightening around his middle form. Hesitantly, his arms followed a similar, but slower track around my frame, a loose hold that I was grateful for. I wondered if it would be a bad time to bite into his neck until I drew blood…

"Trowa?" Quatre piped up for the first time, arms loaded with grocery bags as he looked up at the cabin fearfully. "He's in there? Is he hurt too?"

"Only by the punches I landed on him," I said drearily, my knees weakening against the heat of Montana sun. I think one of them got a good number on my head…I was suddenly tired against Wufei's shoulder…"Still won, it seemed…"

"Trowa did this!?" Quatre asked startled, jerking his eyes in my direction. I held back a snarl; didn't imagine Trowa could be a monster, could you, Quatre? Too busy having his tongue down your fuckin' throat to notice that his other hand was fondlin' my balls. Asshole! I hated how Quatre thought his little love was perfect, that he was never interested in anything but him. I wanted to kill him. I would have killed him, if it wasn't for Trowa who suddenly appeared in the cabin entrance.

"What…happened?"

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" I screeched immediately, trying to fly out of Wufei's suddenly strong hold, to run away screaming into the woods. My head spun and for a minute, I thought the world flipped over. The sky is falling, the sky is falling…

"Don't come near me, Trowa…" I muttered dizzily, closing my eyes. "Don't come near me. Not tonight…Please…Trowa! No!"

"He's become irrational," Heero stated coldly, holding my head up against Wufei's shoulder to look into my eyes for signs of a concussion. Too bad you couldn't look for brain damage by staring into someone's eyes. Maybe then he might see my insanity.

"What's going on? What happened? I don't understand!" Quatre cried from somewhere in the background and I groaned, trying to close my eyes against Heero's searching. Somebody shut him up. Rip his throat out, or something. It's all Trowa's fault that I'm this way. His entire fucking fault. One of the bricks that fell on my head, threw me flat on my back…and that's where I stayed, legs open, until I was used up, I couldn't scream anymore, couldn't fight any longer. I just lay there and I guess that wasn't any more fun…'cause he moved onto you, Quatre.

I had to get back what he took from me. He gave me bruises and ripped away what trust I had in humanity. Stripped it away like tearing off soaked wallpaper - my drizzled trust dripping down the walls, splattering all over the carpet. It lay upon a thin covering, the only glue to the compassion I felt for humans, for their beings; to not judge the people by their faults but to sympathize with them. To ignore these bads, and only remember the good. And Trowa took that away - the compassion, the trust, the sympathy - and made me become this: sarcastic, rude, and uncaring. I didn't feel anything for anybody now. Not for the homeless man, begging and following me on the streets, while I just simply ignored him with the shove of my hands in my pockets and the shrug of my shoulders. Not for the funds of the parentless children - the parents I slaughtered as they cowered away from my green blade, the people I murdered with a simple aimed bullet.

And now I was more of a worse being - because all I saw now was red. It was his fault again, too.

Ironic, I guess.

"Duo, can you hear me?"

Do I have to hear you? Do I have to hear you anymore?

"Open your eyes."

To what? To the same dreary present? To Heero Yuy, staring down at me like some rat in a cage? His little bird wounded on the floor.? Can't I just pretend that I wasn't real? Can't I just pretend that the arms around my waist is the water current, the river that washes away all the dirt caking my skin? Can't I just do that, Wufei? Won't you let me?

"Wake up!"

Fuck you.

^^^^

That worthless feeling was eating up at me again. It started at the pit of my stomach and rose up right between my breasts. It was this overbearing presence that made me just want to curl up and cry like an idiot. Because, that's what I was. I was stupid. Idiotic. Brainless. I had no talents; I had the same worth of a tin can.

It was only these thoughts that accompanied me as I bent over my homework, Biology Honors in fact, as I was stuck on the first problem. I wanted to break apart and cry right then and there. It was so fucking hard. I didn't know what all these phylums were. I didn't know any of the answers; I'd scanned over them at least three times. That feeling that was breaking me apart was getting heavier, and I gripped harder on my pen, nibbling the innocent head off with my sharp teeth. I sighed around it, slipping my eyes shut as they started to burn. Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why couldn't I do this like everybody else?

Opening my eyes, I looked around at the rest of the class and found them all busy at work, their books closed and unused. Unlike mine, which was open and the bottom edges all crinkled from my water bottle spilling all over it. I sniffed loudly, glaring down at my sheet of paper that I wanted to tear apart. I took in a slow breath, trying to calm the stress that was piling up, but my shoulders shook. I think Heero noticed because he looked over from the corner of his eye, pen stopping from writing the next answer on the other side of the work sheet, number five. All his charts were filled up, I assumed, because he obviously whipped through them quick enough. Smiling weakly, I looked over.

"Just having some trouble," I whispered quietly. He hn'ed, and that horrible, ugly, triumphant smirk appeared before he returned his work. His thoughts were quickly picked up again and he started working away while I, pathetic, stupid fool, could only watch with growing jealously.

Jesus Christ, why couldn't I be as smart as him? Why couldn't I just whiz through all the homework instead of wanting to break down and scream instead of looking up the answers in the book? Was I a lazy shit or something? God, I was so fucking stupid. Everybody made it look so easy. So why wasn't it for me!?

I think I would have started crying if the bell didn't ring and save me. I quickly picked up everything I had and rushed away from the class, without waiting for Heero.

^^^^

I didn't look up when Heero finally caught up with me in the dorm room. He quietly shut the door and took off his shoes in his god damn Japanese fashion, while I, worthless, retarded me, sat bent over my stupid piece of paper from Biology. I was still on the same fucking problem from when I left class and I had been sitting there for 15 minutes, racking my brains out to find out what nitrogenous means. I was going to crack any minute, a sure sign by my pathetic little sniffling from a running nose and burning eyes. God, why did you make me so insignificant…?

"Duo?" Heero muttered from behind me. I shifted my numb butt in my wooden chair.

"What?" I grunted, gripping my pen tighter and tighter.

"Do you want some help?"

Oh, god damn him. Just damn him. I squeezed my eyes shut as they welled up with tears, my lips forcing downwards in the longest frown possible and making my bottom lip swell out. Then I started to grit my teeth, trying hard to not let any physical signs come through to show Heero how stressed out I was. And worst of all, I wanted to shove the offer down Heero's throat because of my pride. Yeah, my god damn pride. I didn't WANT help because I WANTED to do it by myself.

But I wasn't stupid. Oh fuck, what was I saying? I mean, I'm not stupid enough to know that I WAS stupid…you know?

I sighed heavily, dropping my pen with a clatter on the wooden desk and put my head into my hands. I fought against the urge to cry, the tears nearly on the brink, when I felt Heero's heavy hand on my shoulder. And as much I knew Heero was trying to comfort me, I wanted more, for him to just grab me from behind and squeeze the living daylights out of me, whispering into my ear about it `being okay'. But that wasn't Heero. Heero wasn't touchy. He didn't know anything about comforting besides a pat on the back. So I should just swallow my self-pity and get on with my life, because Heero was never going to do that for me. Only Quatre.

I dropped my hands with a heavy clunk and sucking back in my pouty, bottom lip, I looked up at Heero.

"Yeah. Some help would be nice."

*****

Memories were picking me apart. Even in my dreams, they didn't leave me alone. The agony was even still there, the frustration burning me away. I dreamt of that stupid school again, the last place Heero and I had a mission with just the two of us. It was close to the end of the war, sometime after I was kidnapped, and the stress was higher than usual when I was in that suffocating building. It was the place where it all fell apart, where I lost what sexual interest I had and Heero began to get more…violent in his demands. Stress must have been eating him up as well.

"You were drinking? In front of him?"

"He handed it to me. He said it was Wufei's."

"Wufei!"

"Don't drag me into this."

"We should wait until he wakes up."

Something cold brushed against my forehead and I winced at the stinging sensation unconsciously. They were talking about me. Could have come to some conclusions that Trowa was innocent…fuck, fuck, fuck. It couldn't come to this. I shouldn't have blacked out; I should have stayed awake - I shouldn't have let my ass get kicked so fucking good! But it had to be believable…had to make it real…like it almost happened.

"He's coming to."

"You shouldn't have even taken the drink."

"Sorry."

"Now look at him. Look what you did!"

"I didn't do anything! I didn't even finish the drink!"

"You guys, he's waking up."

"He said you did it!"

"He's lying!"

"You guys!"

"He wouldn't lie!"

"How do you know!?"

How does he know, hm, Quatre? He thinks I lie because he blames all his itty, bity problems on me. Problems that aren't even an inkling to mine. But do I complain? Do I go on a tangent, blurting out my secrets, my desires, and how…I'm not getting enough fucking attention?

"Duo…"

"Don't you point your finger at me! Don't you ever threaten me!"

"I'm not threatening you! I'm saying-."

"Why does everything have to be some debate to you? Why can't we talk normally!?"

"You're the one who started yelling!!"

"Get me out of here, Wufei," I grumbled, brushing away the wet cloth on my forehead as I tried to help myself up from my laying position. I felt, rather than saw, Wufei all too willingly pull me up and I let myself lean most of my weight against him.

"If you two would just calm down-."

"Stay out of this, Heero, If Quatre wants to believe th-that moron, that liar, fine. Its not like I ever lied to him before."

"I AM in the room you know-."

I didn't listen to the rest of the argument as Wufei helped me outside of the room, taking my mind onto more important matters. Quatre believed me - that's all that mattered. Now I just had to keep that trust. The next phase of my plan was just underway.

*****

Finished. Finally finished. I looked at the pistol in my hand, laying on the bed with a pillow supporting me against the bed frame. My legs felt numb for some reason. I wondered if it was because of the position I had been in for hours or the reason was of the next few days I knew I would have to endure. I had turned off the light some time ago that was next to my bed - Quatre must have set it up there at one point of time - and now I looked at the gun with the only help of the moon. It was so beautiful. The moon made it shine, made it look holy and perfect in its black metal. I caressed the surface fondly, eyes entranced with the sight. I didn't even blink, even when my eyes began to sting and water in the corners. This was the next step. This beautiful thing was the next step. I caressed it harder, breath quickening with...with what I can only describe as lustful glee. This beautiful machinery would be the starting point. The bullet would be the bang to everything that would unravel in these stupid men's lives. It would cut the flesh perfectly, pour all the sins and dirt out...

I shuddered. So fucking beautiful.

I closed my eyes then, the sockets sighing with relief as the dryness began to cease away. The end of the gun rubbed against the corner of my lip with the fondness that I made it give to me. I opened my mouth and took the cold, black pistol into my mouth, sucking on it with urgency I can't describe. I wanted to suck the bullet out so it would go right through the back of my head, go into my brains perhaps and splatter the insanity all over the walls. The stain would never go away. Insanity never really leaves its owner...there's always a tread of blood and guts following it. The stain would never wash out where it falls.

I released the metal suddenly and wiped the gun against my pants as I stood up quickly. My Ice pills spread across the blanket on my bed. Heero was first.

*****

"Heero," I whispered close to his ear, curled up on one side of his bed. "Listen to me."

The boy stirred and tossed a hand up to rub at one of his eyes, but he didn't open them.

"Listen to me, Heero," I said, adding more urgency to my voice and with shaky fingers I shook his shoulder. He awoke immediately and before he could make a sound from his mouth, before he could launch up from bed to get in what I supposed was a fighting stance, I threw my hand over his mouth and shoved his jerking head back down. Unconsciously, my fingers dug into his cheek but I quickly loosened up when I realized that I might be causing the bastard some pain. No bruises. No bruises yet.

"He might hear us," I said quietly, dragging my hand away and lingering one my fingers a little too long on his bottom lip. He quickly licked the place where my fingers once were, turning his head slowly towards me in a cautious manner.

"Who?" He asked.

"Wufei," I said, slowly rolling onto my back so I could look away from that fucking perfect expression. God, how I hated him.

"He's on the other side of the house from here," Heero pointed out with a confused tone. I smirked slightly, shaking my head with a small (and forced) tremor.

"He'll notice I'm missing..." I said, hinting around the subject with delicate finger brushes.

There was a pause. "...Missing?"

"I'm with Wufei, Heero," I said slowly, reaching up the hand he would notice to brush at my dry eyes. He immediately caught it by the elbow and before he could pull it away, I lightly licked at the dry digit as it passed. Heero's fingers enclosed around it seconds later and then shakily he drew away the hand away, but he still held my arm.

"I...didn't know," he said.

"No one does," I answered. "Sometimes...I don't even know if we are."

"You're crying?" Heero asked for a confirmation and I felt his fingers stroke the finger he tested just a moment before. "You're not happy."

"I want to be with you," I whispered, closing my eyes. For some reason, my eyes prickled with tears. I'm not sure why. "But he won't let me go."

"Why? Have you tried?"

I swallowed loudly, taking in a shuddering breath, as I reopened my eyes to roll them upwards to stop the pointless drops leaking free from my violet pupils. I fought for my hand to wipe the wetness away, but Heero refused to let go. I chose the other hand and slowly brushed away the salty water.

"Yeah," I replied. When I didn't continue, I heard Heero shift, readied to open his mouth to speak when I suddenly rolled my head over to look at him. I didn't have to rub at my eyes to make them red - these burning tears did it already.

God damnit, why was I crying?

"He started it you know," I said slowly, watching his face with an intensity that even startled me.

"Started what?"

"The drinking."

There was a pause and I recognized the way Heero's eyes flickered as the information slowly digested into his system. His lips thinned out, and his eyes changed, grew harder. I knew the expression well. I saw it many times when he was fucking me to Jupiter. Every time...after that night...

Neither him nor I said anything for a long time. I watched him until my eyes began to dry and I wiped away the dried trails from my cheeks, disgusted with myself. There was no reason for real tears. So why did I get into my role so much, so well? I almost even started to believe myself, that some of these bruises could have been very well done by Wufei's hand. But those bruises, those marks…those wounds died the very night he caused them. With a long-sleeved shirt or a turtleneck, the damage disappeared and they sunk into my skin. The bump would swell inwardly and the dirt from the unclean wound would join the rest. But even if you couldn't see the bashes anymore…I knew where every one of them laid. My body was littered with them and every time I looked in the mirror, I saw those ugly gashes and the hands that caused them, or the mouth that did it. I could tell you the story of the welt that was on my spine for a month. I could tell you who caused the cut lip that stung every time I moved it. I remembered every single thing they did to me, every touch and caress that stung and hurt and pleased and burned and loved.

But they don't.

I wished I didn't remember the tears that I shed on the pillow, on the carpet. I wished I forgot that ugly wetness in my eyes because I was too weak to cry out anymore for them to stop. So I cried instead. I cried so much that there should be an ocean for it, but instead they drizzled then evaporated just as quickly. The evidence of my shame soaked away; the result of my pain dying with a splattered drop upon the pavement.

Maybe the reason I was crying this time was because I was telling the late truth.

"Do you like me, Heero?" I asked quietly and his eyes flickered back up to my face. He started to say something again but I interrupted.

"Do you love me?"

"Why would you ask something like that?" He asked in a startled whisper.

"Because I have to know," I said. In more ways then one. "Do you?"

Many emotions flashed through his face in that brief moment. Many that I didn't understand or couldn't place. His eyes moved a lot, from my eyes to my lips in a back and forth pattern. I waited, patient and blank, and perhaps it was because my face was so emotionless that he took so long to answer.

"I don't know," he answered quietly. "Sometimes I…I need you. And I don't know why."

"You need my body?" I asked, frowning softly to the dark.

"I…I need you," he whispered, seeming pained himself that he couldn't answer the questions directly. "That's all I know."

I rose a bit with the help of my elbow and closed the space between us, watching him intensely. He stared back at me, a nervous pull to his lips. I thought about saying more, but I didn't. I watched his eyes slowly flicker close, awaiting for the lips that touched his so many, many times before. I didn't even shut my eyes half way. I paused above him, feeling sick in my stomach just gazing at him so close-up, before I tensed and moved away loudly and quickly. His eyes immediately snapped open and he jerked into a sitting position as I crawled hastily off his bed.

"What-?"

"I heard him," I said in a rushed whisper. "I have to go back-I'll-I'll come back when he's asleep."

"Duo-," he called but I was out the door and closing it. I sighed heavily, lifting a shaky hand to my dry lips. One down. One more to go. God, I hoped I was strong enough to do this.

*****

"Duo?"

I froze, lifting my head, the knob half-turned as I was about to close the door. I heard Wufei shift from his bed, crawling off and walking slowly to me. I continued to stiffen until my neck and shoulders hurt. My grip on the knob whined pathetically when I felt gentle fingertips crawl up my spine over my green t-shirt and upwards. I closed my eyes slowly, eyelashes flickering against my cheeks, and tilted my head towards the ceiling, feeling my heavy braid pull it back helpfully.

"Duo?" He questioned again. I whirled around then when I felt his hand nearly on my neck and I threw myself into his startled arms, clinging one arm over his shoulder and another around his waist. I gritted my teeth, stomach retching and my legs growing numb. I should have taken more Ice for this...

"Make him stop..." I whispered, lifting my head so my lips passed his ear. My eyes flickered open and close, gazing around the bedroom I was just in yesterday morning. My eyes hesitated but it was no use. They fell upon the bed. It was probably the stupidest thing I could have done.

//Withering on the bed, our lips over each other, panting, wanting. I gripped his shirt, trying to split it apart. I wanted that golden flesh. I wanted to bury my hands in it, dig in, and touch the dirt that laid underneath, the saliva and cum that was still there under the surface. I wanted it, wanted to grip onto it and pull it into the light. Remember when you fucked me senseless, Wufei? Here's my release - I'm so happy you still carry it with you, you mother fucker.

"You gonna fuck me, Wufei?" I whispered, grinning as I met up to meet one of his dry thrusts. "You wanna fuck this whore? Come on, fuck me, Wufei. Fuck my ass, fuck me, fuck me, Wuf-mmmppph."//

I stared lifelessly at the scene, suddenly all feeling leaving my body. I think my body was falling too, but I couldn't tell. I had fallen a long time ago.

//"Fuck, Wufei...you're so hot..." I whispered as I sat in his lap, running my nails down his chest. He withered underneath me, his arms shaking with pleasure as he held himself up under my examination, his bent knees shifting against my back. I smirked slowly, brushing my wet bangs away from my sticky forehead, arching my back to feel that heavy cock behind me.

"But you know that, don't you, baby?" I asked silkily, rolling my hips long and slow. "You want me, Wufei? You want me?"

"Y-Yes," his shuddering whisper came.

"Then come on and fuck me already."//

"Duo!" Wufei said urgently, trying to keep me sitting up on his bed. His hands were on my shoulders again. "Stop who? Duo, wake up. Stop looking like that...don't cry, please...Duo…"

I could still smell it. It was all around me and the first series of emotion was caused by my stomach. Like a domino effect with the twist of my stomach, I could suddenly feel the tears showering down my face and I raised horrified fingers to my flesh, trying to hide what was obviously there. Why were tears so real, so noticeable? Why didn't they see the pain that was so apparent as they took off my clothes? Why could they see these ugly things? Why could they see them and not me?

"Why are you crying? What happened?" He asked, hands over mine, trying to tear them away. I tossed my head to the side, pushing back his hands then embracing them and then just letting them go.

"I'm so tired, Wufei," I sobbed softly, drawing a hand behind me. "I'm so tired of being his."

"What?"

I closed my eyes, shaking my head as if throw all the tears back down to the well where they belonged.

"I think...I think I'm bleeding, Wufei..." I whispered, slowly drawing up my wounded leg. "Would you look for me?"

I felt his shaky hands on my leg and slowly, I leaned back, showing the bandaged thigh my sleep shorts revealed.

"Did Trowa do this?" Wufei asked angrily as he started removing a bit of the bandage.

"No," I whispered with a dead chuckle. "This one is Heero's."

"Heero?" Wufei asked startled, looking up. "What? When?"

"Does it matter?" I asked drearily, trying to not look at the bed where I laid. I curled my eyes to the ceiling.

"Why? Why would Heero do...Oh, my god..." Wufei trailed off, staring at my exposed wound. I knew it was deep. It hurt like a bitch, don't you know. Nothing that made me want to limp could be just a shallow wound.

"Did you clean this?" He asked hastily.

"I don't really remember," I said carefully, my eyes slowly taking on a hazy look. I knew Wufei noticed.

"Are you all right?" He asked slowly, quietly.

"Tired. Very, very tired," I drawled, drawing my gun into view as I glanced at the clock. I should have been back in Heero's room by now.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I'm going to finish it, Wufei," I said, nodding dazedly. "I'm...so fucking sick of this..."

"Sick of what?"

"Him. Heero," I said, closing my eyes tightly as I threw my head back, wiping furiously at my tears with the gun.

"Heero…?" Wufei said slowly, cautiously.

"I'm going to make him stop!" I shouted loudly with saddened anger. "He won't do this to me if I'm dead!"

"Duo…"

I paused, sniffling and held the gun against my forehead, mediating with that beautiful, cold flesh. So different from all their hands. So different from all their lips.

"Do you love me, Wufei?" I asked suddenly, opening my eyes and looking at him directly.

"What?"

"Answer me. Do you love me? Or were you kidding before...?"

He didn't answer me. He diverted his eyes away, right to the wound, and his frown deepened on his face. I started to get afraid; my plan would be totally ruined if he didn't...if he didn't...

"In bed...you were so...wild..." He whispered.

"I was also drunk," I defended angrily. He couldn't ruin it all! I wouldn't let him, that mother fucker!

"I need to know, Wufei," I said. My hand tightened on the gun.

"I..." He paused for a moment before sighing and looking up at me. "I think-Maybe-."

That's all I needed.

"Duo?" someone whispered in the hall. I immediately jerked into attention, standing up quickly even as my wound hissed angrily at me.

"Its him-you can't let him take me-I won't go-," I stammered, backing up into the wall. "He'll beat me, Wufei-don't make him-I'm so tired-Oh, God, oh God, oh God..."

I cocked the gun just as it was ripped out of my fingers.

"I'll handle this," he said angrily, turning around, and going out the bedroom.

I couldn't help the smirk on my face when I leaned against the wall as the fighting began.