Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ After Colony 198 ❯ What Makes You a Monster? ( Chapter 5 )

After Colony 198

by Iris Anthe

chapter 5

What the hell was that sound? Hilde whined sleepily. More importantly why wouldn't it...

"Shut the HELL UP!"

Hilde came wide awake to prevent Duo from slamming the bedside lamp into the vidphone on his desk.

"Duo! STOP!!"

Her heart was racing with sleep-shocked adrenaline. She was barely able to think past the impulse of minimizing property damage, and lunged for Duo's outstretched arm. And that was how she ended up on the floor, or mostly on the floor. Her right leg was still tangled up in the bedsheets, and really it was mostly just her face and left shoulder that were currently mashed into yesterday's clothing on the side of the bed.

"What the...Hilde, honey...you OK?"

Hilde scrunched up her eyebrows trying to make sense of the situation she was in. Unable to quite figure it out, but smelling something very funky she verbalized an indiscriminate sound of confusion. "Mmrrremph?"

Slowly she grasped that the odor was coming from one of Duo's dirty socks and that it was right under her cheek. She noticed also that the vidphone was still annoyingly ringing. And then she realized what her actual physical position was, and that she was completely naked to boot.

"shit."

She tried desperately to twist herself into a less compromising position, but found she had no leverage whatsoever. When Duo started laughing she lost it completely and began smacking him with her free hand.

"Stop laughing you moron and pick me up! I'm going to murder whoever is calling this early, right after I'm through killing you!"

To her extreme annoyance Duo started snorting through his attempt to shut up, and as far as she could tell was making more progress feeling her up than picking her up. So she started kicking him and before she knew it she was lying in a heap on the floor. She had the petulant urge to start wailing like a baby and instead began throwing dirty clothing at Duo's head. She then picked herself up, punched the audio only button and screamed into the vidphone, "WHOEVER YOU ARE, PISS OFF!!!!!"

There was complete silence both on the other side of the connection and from Duo behind her. Then suddenly Duo broke into laughter even louder than before and she realized that in her fit of temper she'd pushed the wrong button, and there on the screen was Quatre Reberba Winner stammering and blushing and saying something about a wrong number. Completely humiliated Hilde let out a screech of frustration and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

*****

Wood, leather, incense, sunlight. Warmth and comfort. The scent of sandalwood. Muted colors and steam rising from one of Quatre's special teas. Trowa felt the distinct experience of his life in Quatre's home fill him with peace as he watched his manacled friend twitch in another nightmare. Two days like this. He'd had to use near deadly force in the kick to Heero's chin. An out of control Heero could only be downed by brute strength. He had expected Heero to recover sooner though. But then, when Trowa saw him running through the crowd, he'd seen the disconnected look of Zero in his eyes. Quatre didn't want to believe him, and told him that there were no after effects from the Zero system. Maybe, but Trowa knew what he'd seen.

Heero shifted in the bed and woke.

"I'll take the manacles off if you're feeling better."

"Trowa." Heero's voice was gravel-filled from a fitful sleep. "Maybe you should keep me locked up."

"You didn't really hurt her. She just has some bruises on her wrist."

Heero swung his shackled legs over the side of the bed, and hung the weight of the arm manacles between his knees. "I'm a monster. I need to die."

His statement hung with the dust motes, suspended in the sunlight, making the room seem smaller, the walls more threatening. Trowa was studying his face for signs of the madness he'd seen two days before. He walked over to the bed and unchained his friend.

"I told you to keep me locked up."

Trowa ignored the remark and poured Heero a cup of tea.

Heero eyed the cup suspiciously causing Trowa an internal laugh that showed only in his eyes. "It's only one of his calming blends." Heero took the cup with a grunt, and downed it in a quick gulp.

"Dehydrated? Have more."

Another grunt passed for a thank you as he gave Heero's refilled teacup back to him. They sat drinking tea for some time in silence. With Heero, Trowa always had that forlorn feeling that they ought to be better friends, but that they were neither of them very good at trusting. He felt as though he'd failed his old battle companion. If anything, Trowa was in a position to give now, but he couldn't figure out how to get Heero to accept. And now Heero was losing control of himself.

"So what makes you a monster, Heero?"

He smirked as he replied, "Years of training."

Trowa tried another tack. "What happened with Relena?"

He saw a reaction shudder silently through Heero's body. It was small, not something easily picked up on, but Trowa had survived a hazardous life of battle and deadly beasts by observing the minutiae of body language. Something had happened, but it wasn't likely that Heero would tell him; he would have to guess well.

"Duo told us that she came to his home, and that you saw her, but she ran away when you walked out of the room." He waited for more physical cues.

"You spoke to Duo?" Eyes shift. "He's on his way here actually." All physical reactions ceased completely.

This is complicated. Did he attack Relena like that girl at the carnival? I wish Quatre were here.

The door opened, and in walked the graceful embodiment of sunlight that had rescued Trowa from a life of complete detachment. His smile spread around him like a halo, bringing a vibrancy of color to everything in the room.

"Heero, I'm so glad you're awake!" How could anyone not thaw in the warmth of that smile? Trowa unconsciously extended an arm to encircle his partner's hips, hooking his thumb through a belt loop on his slacks. He looked up into Quatre's face, and saw deep worry behind the glow of his smile. Yes, this is disturbing, love.

"Hello Quatre." Heero looked uncomfortable in the presence of their intimacy. Trowa needed to talk to Quatre alone. He stood up and turned his mate to the door.

"Heero, there's a shower behind that door, and we've filled the dresser with some of Quatre's clothes. He's closer to your size."

With that, he guided his slightly confused partner out of the room, shutting the door behind them.

*****

"Trowa, what is it?" They had been standing in the hall for nearly five minutes supposedly because Trowa had needed to talk to him, but his other half was leaning against the wall, obviously thinking, but not letting him in on his thoughts. Being ignored by Trowa was a little like ceasing to exist. Finally he looked up, unveiling a look of worry in the cool green of his eyes.

"Quatre, we need to find Relena."

"Ummm," Quatre wanted to probe for his reasoning, but he trusted Trowa to tell him. "I don't know how to do that Trowa. But I'm sure we can."

No answer. He changed topics, feeling blocked. "Duo and Hilde just arrived. They're settling into their quarters. I came up here to see if Heero was awake yet, and because, because it felt like you needed me."

Quatre felt his growing anxiety dissipate as Trowa finally focused on him, bringing him back into existence. "I'm sorry love. I didn't mean to ignore you. I did need you. In fact, I was just wishing you were here when you walked into the room." This made Quatre smile. It always filled him with delight when he was able to connect with Trowa via his spirit. It reinforced his belief in the power of their bond.

He'd been in love with Trowa since the moment they'd met in battle. Through the calm of a well-trained soldier, Quatre had sensed the perceptive essence of Trowa's soul. He had sensed Trowa's feelings of banal worthlessness, and his cry for human contact. Quatre had made it one of his life's goals to show him just how wonderful he was. Quatre felt blessed knowing that the death wish had been lifted from his lover's heart years ago. Trowa looked at him now with love in his eyes; it wasn't just love for him, it was a love for life itself.

"Heero wants to die, Trowa."

"I know, love. I know." Trowa's eyes grew darker. "And the only one I know who can truly help, has given up."

"No, not Miss Relena. She hasn't given up. She's just confused, and hurt."

Trowa moved closer to him, placing his hands on his shoulders and squeezing them lightly. "Quatre, can you find her?"

He felt desperate, not being able to do this for Trowa. "No, I'm sorry Trowa, I can't. I can only sense her essence, I can't tell you where her body is."

"There has to be a way." Trowa drew back and leaned against the wall behind him, folding his arms in frustration, and hiding his face behind the curtain of his hair. Quatre had to turn around to face him again, trying to catch his eye. Why was this upsetting Trowa so much? He didn't usually meddle in other people's lives, reminding Quatre constantly that you often ended up doing more harm than good if you tried. Just look at what he'd done to Relena in his last attempt to help.

"I can't help thinking that if there were a way, it would be Heero who'd figure it out."

"He's given up too."

Quatre didn't believe it. Somehow Trowa felt responsible for Heero's pain. He had to stop Heero's pain for Trowa, somehow.

He lifted his lover's sheath of auburn bangs away from his eyes, and was amused by the exposed look of his face.

"I'm the one who's good at meddling, Trowa. Maybe I can get Heero to try again."

*****

That night she had another of what she had come to call the "room" dreams. It had started the third night after she arrived in this city. She was asleep and seemed to wake into a foggy state of consciousness, in a windowless room. There were machines making noises, and she thought perhaps it was a hospital, but the colors always seemed dull, and the edges of things had a warped nature only found in nightmares. She didn't understand. It wasn't the nothing, the void that had plagued her nightly for months. It was as though she were trapped and isolated where no one would ever find her. Sometimes she would catch sight of a figure in a white coat out on the edges of perception, watching her, and adjusting the machines, and she would try to reach them, call out for help, but she always woke up before contact was made. The dream had come more and more frequently in the past weeks, until now she had it almost every night.

But on this night when she woke from the room, it was into another dream. She was in Dorothy's office. Her old friend and bodyguard was standing by a window with her back towards her, framed by the blue of a clear day. Her pale sheath of hair draped over her back glowed in the daylight.

"Dorothy?"

There was no response. Relena tried to walk towards her friend, but found that she couldn't move. She was about to panic when Dorothy sighed, rustling the fabric of her suit as she placed a hand on the windowpane.

"I don't know where you are Miss Relena. How can I protect you if I don't know where you are?" Relena felt a small amount of guilt creep into her as she thought for the first time of how her friend might be worried about her. "Why didn't you tell me Relena? I'm the only one who has stayed by your side. I'm the only one who stayed to keep you safe. Why didn't you take me with you? I wouldn't have stopped you. Why Miss Relena?" Dorothy's head was bowed, and Relena had the feeling she was crying.

"Dorothy I'm sorry. Please don't cry." She mustered all her strength and reached out an arm to try and comfort her friend, only to wake into her apartment, her body tightly wrapped in her blankets and her arm reaching impotently into the air. With a shudder she dropped her arm and extricated herself from the twisted blankets. She walked to the bathroom and splashed water on her face, trying to get rid of the sensation she always had waking up these days that she was really still asleep, strapped to a laboratory table, while a faceless person toyed with her existence.

"Am I going insane?"

*****

Am I going insane? Heero stared coldly at his fog-blurred reflection in the bathroom mirror. I've never lost control of myself outside of the zero system. What kind of monster am I? A bullet through the head. That's the only way to be sure. This body will recover from anything else. She no longer believes in me, and neither do I.

Heero exited the spacious bathroom, and inspected the guest bedroom Quatre had assigned him to. Dark, reddish wood, animal-based textiles. No polymers to be seen. Very old, very expensive. Sandalwood incense, white sheets on the bed. They've taken my gun. Easily replaced. Quatre is sure to have a supply. The dresser was full of Quatre's clothing, meant for his use. We're both taller now. He took the first pair of jeans and shirt he saw and quickly dressed, planning his search for Quatre's arsenal, when there was a knock on the door.

As he expected, Quatre entered without his even telling him to come in.

"Ah, you found the shower. It looks like we're still about the same size, even if we have gotten bigger."

Small talk? Quatre did not usually resort to such inane chatter. He is uncomfortable.

"Where is my gun?"

An annoying look of compassion entered into Quatre's countenance. "We don't have weapons here."

Heero pondered this statement, wondering if that meant the weapons were stored at a remote location, or if Quatre had truly disarmed himself, like a good little lamb. He decided that the former was more likely. Or, he could be lying.

"Heero, do have a bond with Relena?"

What? A bond?

"What do you mean?"

Quatre shifted uncomfortably, tucking his chin into his chest apologetically.

"I don't mean to intrude. I know it's a very private thing, but I think it just might help us locate her, if you do."

So he thinks I still want to find Relena. All I want is a god damned gun.

"Please don't be angry Heero. I just want to try and find out if she's alright. Make sure she isn't hurt or in danger. I feel responsible for all this. If I hadn't meddled, she wouldn't have felt the need to run."

How was Quatre responsible?

"I seem to recall that the two of you had something similar to what Trowa and I share. A bond. A link. An ability to feel each other calling."

Heero felt a trap closing around him. She could be hurt. We have a bond. I can hear her calling.

"What do you want?"

Quatre looked a little annoyed, and his voice was slightly louder when he replied, "I want to help, Heero. That's all I want to do is help." Quatre crossed the room to stand right in front of Heero.

"Heero, I have a strong link with Trowa. We often can sense exactly what the other is feeling, because we want to. We want that connection and therefore it exists. But I can also sense other people, only not in the same way. I can feel their essence and get a sense of their well-being. That's how this all started. I wanted to help you and Miss Relena to have some small amount of happiness, so I reached out and touched her essence, and I found that she had developed a hole in her heart. I wanted to help. I interfered. I know I shouldn't have, but she was so unhappy. Only now when I look for her essence, I can't feel anything at all, and I'm worried, Heero."

"Why are you telling me this?"

A tremor of emotion ran through Quatre's frame and Heero unconsciously shifted into a defensive stance. "Because you love her, Heero! You've loved her since we were fifteen years old and you know it. Everyone knows it, everyone but Relena that is."

I love her. Yes. But she left me Quatre. She left me.

Quatre calmed down looking at the expression on Heero's face. "I know that together we can reach her Heero. Please, believe in her."

Just then Duo came blasting into the room only to fall in a heap beneath three shrieking blond children all of whom were apparently trying to tickle him in every unguarded part of his body.

"Ah, oh, oh, no, oh lord in heaven, ah, ah, HA!" and suddenly Duo was standing again, only now he had one child hanging by the feet in each of his hands, while the third ran screaming in delighted fright over to Quatre's side.

"Help, Uncle Quatre! Help! Help!"

"Ah, HA HA HA HA HA you little demons! No one can help you now! You are at my mercy!"

It was unbelievable how happy Duo looked, with his hair flying in a static nimbus around his head where it had come loose from its braid, and his shirt twisted and untucked, while wearing a maniacal grin across his face, arms akimbo, a child dangling in helpless laughter from each hand. He looked over to find the third tow-headed monster and had a nearly imperceptible switch into a guarded state of laughter that was his specialty when he realized who else was in the room.

With a quick flip the children were slung over his shoulders and then gently set down onto the floor at which point they ran to join their tickling accomplice at Quatre's side.

"Uncle Quatre, Uncle Quatre! We found Uncle Duo!"

"Yeah we found him kissing somebody!"

"Uncle Duo has a girlfriend. Uncle Duo has a girlfriend. Uncle Duo has a girlfriend."

Through the singsong of the children's voices Duo greeted them both with his strange defensive manner of raising both elbows above his head and clasping his hands behind his neck. One of the children, a little girl who couldn't have been older than five or six years old, the youngest of the trio, noticed the new person in the room and instantly flung herself at Heero's legs in the hopes of getting a new source of attention.

"Pick me up!"

Heero looked down at the tiny imperative and stared in confusion at the little girl tugging on his pants leg.

"Pick me up!"

Not knowing what else to do in the situation, he lifted the child into his arms. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and settled herself with a high-pitched squeal into his side, knowing better than he did the best place to sit on his hip. He held her like a piece of glass ready to shatter at his tiniest move, and he stared at her face in morbid fascination.

Duo let out a low sigh. "Oh, Heero."