Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Ai Qing Gu Shi ❯ Purest of Pain ( Prologue )

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Gundam Wing.

Author: Tsuki Tenshi

Pairing: 1x2

Email: Luv_bpgal@yahoo.com

Title: Ai Qing Gu Shi (chinese) Love story

A/N: Angsty mood lately. I was actually studying for my Chinese test when the idea strikes. I just have to write it down.

//…song lyrics….//

Purest of Pain

Sheets of invisible droplets beat down on the concrete pavement, splashing up into pretty patterns upon hitting the hard ground. The sky looked foreboding, grey clouds overwhelmed the usual cheerful azure sky. Azure, just like his eyes...The rain could not damper the spirits of the braided boy. Soaked to the bones and freezing cold, he waited patiently for a familiar figure to show up. This physical discomfort was nothing to him, he had suffered worse. After all, he was a Gundam pilot, and to be able to see him was worth everything he had to suffer, even risking pneumonia

//I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you

But I couldn't fight it

I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice

(Just to hear your voice)//

The dark shadows of the alleyways hide his slender frame. The black clothes he always wore enabled him to blend into the shadows, making him almost invisible, so still was he. Wrapping his arms around himself to provide the tiniest bit of warmth, he shivered slightly. The cold was invading his bones, chilling him to the core. Yet he persevered. He wanted, no, he needed to see him.

//Don't know how many times I said

I'm gonna to live without you

And maybe someone else is standing there beside you

But there's something baby that you need to know//

Heero... The one I loved and the only one I ever would love. It doesn't matter that my feelings were not returned. I just wanted to see Heero, to hear his voice. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter... Right?

//That deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you it's all that I'm asking//

I am a street rat, something not worthy of anyone's love. I am Shinigami, something that was not to be loved. I am nothing, just a L2 orphan lucky enough to pilot a Gundam. Even my parents did not want me, how could anyone else could? I am worthless, just another soldier in the war. And soldiers do not live through the war. There was nothing left behind for me, no family, no lovers waiting for me to come home, no one to care enough to be worried about me... What could I do other than to fight and survive? I had nothing else to fight for now that the war was over. Oz were defeated, revenge taken. Shinigami have no place in a world of peace.

I wished I could just fade away, like the shadows lurking in the dark. I wished I had something to live for. I wished ... I wished that I hadn't told you my feelings. At least, I would be laughing and joking with you, though it was all one sided. At least I would be able to see you, to touch you, to hear your "Omae O Korosu". It didn't matter that my heart would break everytime you pushed me away. It didn't matter that my soul seemed to be wrenched out of my ribcage whenever I saw you smiling at Relena. It didn't matter that my facade seemed to become harder to maintain when you were around. It didn't matter, not at all... At least I would be able to see those beautiful sapphire pools and imagined that I saw love in the twin orbs. At least there would always be this one little fantasy to last me through...

//Vida, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

Carino mio, my world becomes so empty

My days are so cold and lonely

And each night I taste

The purest of pain//

Nights were unbearable. Intolerable. I couldn't sleep without you by my side, the unique scent of you sleeping beside me, the clean, sweet smell of your shampoo. I missed the warm presence lying across me, the pure being that pulled me away from my nightmares. Ever since I left you, life was never the same. It was hard even to put on that jester mask. It had cracked, irreparable since you managed to shatter it. Even the tiny room I had rented looked so desolated and lonesome in the night. When the moonlight filtered through the rags of a curtain, casting long shadows on the empty room, my eyes would tear as I was reminded of that night.

//I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday

That it didn't hurt me when you walked away//

I really died that night. That night when I finally plucked up enough guts to tell my feelings to you straight into your face. You were as emotionless as usual, that perfect soldier mask was firmly in place. I don't really think your expression changed when I blurted out my darkest secret. It remained passionless. I never knew rejection was so harsh. If I had known, I wouldn't have flirted so much in the past. I never experienced death, but somehow, something tells me that this was much much worse. My throat was dry, tears were starting to form. I knew my mask had finally cracked. I couldn't last much longer, to be in the same room with you. Forcing a grin, I think I told you that it doesn't matter. Don't feel so bad if you don't love me. I don't think you would feel bad though, I was just salvaging the scraps of my pride. Choking when I finally finished the words, I ran out of the room. Crystal droplets flicked across my cheeks, disappearing in the air as I ran out of the house. I needed some cold air to refresh my thoughts. I needed solitude to nurse my wounds.

//But to tell you the truth I can't find my way

And deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you it's all that I'm asking

Vida //

I returned that night to gather my things. You were asleep. So innocent and sweet, bathed in the sliver shower of the moonlight. There was a slightest stirring in my heart as I walked closer, inhaling your after shave for one last time. I could find no other way. I couldn't live without you. But it seemed that I couldn't live you with either.

//Vida, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you

But I couldn't fight it//

So many months had passed by. I wonder if you still remember me? I hope I had made an impact in you life. But I didn't think I had. If I did, I wouldn't be here, shivering in cold, trying to catch snatches of you, would I? I had tried to live without you. I had tried to forget you. I tried. Really, I did. But nothing seemed to work. You seemed to be imprinted in my heart, mind and soul. Everything I do, everything I see reminds me of you. I want you, I need you. But I couldn't have you. So I would just hide in the shadows, seeing you in the corners. Just a glimpse of you could warm me up for the whole day, until night time falls and the endless nightmares attacked me once more, when the solitude overwhelmed me as it threatened to suffocate me. But it doesn't matter. To me, your happiness is always the first priority. Mine, it was just a minor thing. My heart was not worth anything...

//I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it

And so I surrender just to hear your voice//

Owari or TBC ???

Should I continue this? Maybe in Heero's point of view? Or should I just leave it as it is? Maybe I should write a whole story and make it a happy ending? You decide. Review????