Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ All Roads Lead To You ❯ Loving Relena ( Chapter 2 )

It was past midnight. The exclusive neighborhood was quiet, undisturbed with the exception of quiet footsteps marching back and forth in front of an elegant building. My footsteps. I stopped and glared at the 5th floor window with a dim light on and called myself a fool. A bastard. A mental case. I fought inwardly with my conscience. It wasn't right. I should just leave her alone. Let her move on with her life. But there was an ache in me so powerful that it was impossible to ignore. A desire so deep that it drove all else out of my mind. All the reasonings and all the good intentions. Only one thought drove air after air into my lungs and gave me life. The thought of having her. Bypassing security was a walk through the park for me, performing it in record time. Then i was standing in front of her door. My face put on the cold facade but my heartbeat was warm. I craved. God, how i craved. And only one woman would ever do. My hand raised to knock on the closed door.

I had watched her a thousand times on television. I always thought her beautiful. But i realised i never knew beautiful until with a few disgruntled mumbling about people who wouldn't leave her alone, Relena opened the door with a frown on her forehead and an unasked question frozen on her lips. Her hair flowed around her like silken waterfall. Her simple flannel pajamas gave her the appearance of a mere child. But a mere child she was not. Her face was fresh and clean without make up, taking away the image shown in public and revealing the hidden woman underneath. Exhausted, stubborn, and strong despite the slim figure that fooled the world and gave the impression of vulnerability. The image overwhelmed my senses. No matter how many times i came back to her, she was still able to amazed me time after time. She was to me, an addiction that can result in only a tragic ending. An addiction i desperately needed help for. But i always did like to work on my problems alone.

"Heero...wha...?" She never finished her sentence as i forced her back into her apartment and shut the door.

"What the hell were you thinking opening the door without bothering to see who it was?" Her safety always did made me go a little crazy when in it was in jeopardy. But damn, the woman asked for trouble like little children asked for toys.

"I...well...i..." Again, she wasn't given a chance to finish what would have been a pathetic excuse for a reason.

Her mouth was so invitingly soft. So warm and welcoming. I was home again. Home to a place i kept trying to get away from. She tasted of rain and cherries and coffee. Jesus help me, i could have stood there in the middle of her living room all night just kissing her. Having her sweet taste swallow me whole and numb my senses. We separated long enough to breathe.

"Heero...what is it? Why are you here?" Her breath came in soft gasps.

I needed her. I needed her so badly my hands trembled with it. "Because i want to be here."

Something flashed for a second in her deep shadowed eyes. Brilliant sapphire that had seen so much more than any eyes should have witnessed. It was an emotion i had seen many times whenever she opened the door to let me in. Something beyond love. Acceptance. Resignation. Complete surrender to whatever i demanded. And it always had the same effect on me. My throat closed for a moment. Unconditional devotion. Selfless act of love. I never asked for them. I never expected them. But i took them nonetheless. With my usual selfishness and greed.

"I feel sorry for those who love you"

I winced at the memory's intrusion. Me too. Me too.

She came to me without hesitation and wrapped her arms around me, bringing my head down to meet her eager mouth. Welcoming mouth that had sustained me through tortured nights. In return, i wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her fully against my craving body. I needed to feel her close to me. Sometimes, i wish i had the ability to freeze her inside me so that i never had to breath without her. But they were foolish thoughts because i knew i could never stay. Fevered thoughts brought on by passion. Without ever releasing hold, i led her down the hallway and into her bedroom. I had no time for finese. I never really did. But she accepted that and met me heat to heat. It was always like that. Rushed, savaged, desperate and mind blowing rage. But it was never violent. There was never any bruises. When i took her that night again, it was predictable. As soon as i laid her down on the bed, i didn't bother to strip us of all articles of clothing. I pulled her pajama and my jeans down and entered her with my blood reaching the volcanic point. I never worried about hurting her. I never worried about taking it slow. She liked it the way i did. Spent, i rested my head against her shoulder blade and forced myself to live. I had reached heaven and loathed the thought of falling back down to earth. I closed my eyes to slow my blood. I raised my head and looked down into her face. Something i had never done before. She studied me with steady eyes. Different eyes. They were forgiving and gentle. And butterfly wings brushed over my heart to bind them. I fought emotions. I fought guilt. But i couldn't fight the desire to take away the look of weary acceptance in her eyes. Selfishly, i wanted to see different emotions this time. Selfishly, i wanted to make her happy just to prove that i was able to. Savage became calm. Rush became a slow music that melted the bones. Desperate became soft kisses and gentle caresses. And rage became soft moans of pleasure that spoke only of tenderness. And i discovered that i delighted in giving as much as receiving. In fact, i took more pleasure from it. The soft contented sighs she made pulled at my soul and more butterfly wings like feather lace converged around my heart. Tightening. I entered her with deliberate care. It was different. So drastically, horrifyingly different. It took me beyond any height i had ever reached before. Beyond heaven and beyond hell. Happily exhausted, i gathered her into my arms as i laid down on my back. This time, i didn't fight the urge to just close my eyes and never open them. It was then that i realised i could have died with peace inside my heart for just another moment with her. As the dark world pulled me further into the land of dreams, my skin never felt the wet sensation of falling teardrops. Nor did my ears hear the softly spoken words laced bittersweet pain. "I love you..."

As soon as my eyes opened and my head cleared, i turned to look down at the woman sleeping fitfully beside me. I swallowed the urge to kiss her mouth and slowly disentangled myself from the bed covers. I gathered my discarded clothes and distractedly put them on. I brushed impatient fingers through my unruly hair and walked to the window to look down at the still darkened street of her neighborhood. I sensed movements behind me and pretended i didn't hear.

"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"

It was such a foolish question. One that had shot through my soul and buried deep to draw blood. Relena Dorlian lived to take care of others. To make sure that people were safe and unharmed.

"She didn't know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. Why the hell was i doing this? I had wanted to keep her safe. To not let any harm come to her. And i would do nothing but cause her harm. Danger followed me everywhere. Ghosts of my past. Ghosts of my future. She deserved so much more. She deserved the best and i knew it would never be me. She deserved someone who was able to express even the barest of emotions. Who knew what she needed and is able to give it to her. Who did not have blood and murders branded on every particle of his skin. I could not even face the mirror without questioning whose eyes were on my face, staring back coldly at the reflection. All i could see were the eyes of those whose lives i had rightiously taken. As if i were god and i had the right. And Relena...she would come to hate me. To break through the wall that prevented anyone from seeing the real man behind the image of perfection. She would stare at the man with the tainted blood and weapons and will hate me.

"You loved her. You loved her and it terrified you."

I was more than terrified. My heart slammed with real force against the protective skin of my chest and kept hammering. If i didn't leave her soon, i would never have the strength to leave her at all.

"You're going." Half statement, half question.

I flinched but still kept my back turned.

"Don't come back."

I closed my eyes and forced air into my lungs. In my world, the sun exploded and can no longer provide light. The moon was swallowed by the darkness and will no longer rise. The stars had all fallen and the sky was to be forever deprived of them. They laid at my feet like broken diamonds. Like shattered emotions. I arranged my features to its familiar coldness and turned to face her. There was no vulnerability. No forgiveness. No emotions. I walked over to the bed and raised my hand to touch a soft cheek. She turned away from the touch. I hid the left hand that trembled at the pain the rejection had caused. She was lost to me.

"Goodbye Heero..."

I walked through the door and closed it behind me without looking back. I leaned against it for just three seconds then continued out the building. I wondered how the world can keep on turning when the woman i ever loved had denied herself to me. I heard that it was hell loving someone. Loving Relena and denying it to the very end...now that was hell. I should know...