Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Spark ( Chapter 17 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and 3x4/1x2 content. Violence and a heck of a lot of swearing.

>>>*<<<

SPARK

She's addicted to nicotine patches

she's addicted to nicotine patches

she's afraid of the light in the dark

6.58 are you sure where my spark is

here, here, here

she's convinced she could hold back a glacier

but she couldn't keep Baby alive

doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere

here, here, here

you say you don't want it again

and again but you don't really mean it

you say you don?t want it

this circus we're in

but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

if the Divine master plan is perfection

maybe next i'll give Judas a try

trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin

here, here, here

you say you don't want it again

and again but you don't really mean it

you say you don't want it

this circus we're in

but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

how many fates turn around in the overtime

ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find

you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i

say you don't want it

say you don't want it

say you don't want it again

and again but you don't really mean it

say you don't want it

this circus we're in

but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

she's addicted to nicotine patches

she's afraid of the light in the dark

6.58 are you sure where my spark is

here, here, here

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Bleeding On The Inside - Chapter 17 - Spark

"Quatre?"

Wufei awkwardly hunched down beside the blond who was sitting, half-hidden behind the bed, his knees drawn up to his chest, face hidden in his arms. The boy didn't acknowledge his presence and Wufei wondered for an instant if he should just let him have a moment by himself for a while. But…no, Quatre was his friend and he needed to talk about this.'And I need to listen, I think. Maybe even more then he needs to talk. I need to allow myself to take this in, instead of hiding from it like I've been doing.'

"Quatre," he tried again, more firmly this time, "the others…they didn't mean what they said. They don't think you are weaker for what happened to you."

"Oh really?" the blond snorted, his words muffled by his sleeve. "How did you get that impression Wufei? Because it certainly doesn't appear that way from what I heard. Heero isn't checking on me in the middle of the night because he thinks I'm strong and can take care of myself. Trowa doesn't follow me everywhere because I'm not weak. Duo doesn't stay up half the night with a .44 and a baseball bat outside the door because I'm a big boy and can handle my own problems."

"They are scared. Scared for you, scared for themselves…" Wufei could see that Quatre wasn't buying it so he decided it was time for a confession. "I'm scared too, you know."

Quatre raised his head from the cushion of his arms to stare at the Chinese boy beside him in disbelief.

"You? You are scared?"

"Of course. I never thought that it could happen to nice people. At least, not people I knew. Especially not in someplace open and public like a clothes shop, and not by the person who works there. It kind of shattered a nice illusion I had about good things happening to good people and bad things happening to bad people, like the karma of the world shifted. And when we found out that the law, the very people who are supposed to protect society from criminals like that, would not help you…it just told me…there is no justice left in this world."

Quatre's eyes watered and he blinked furiously to keep the tears from falling, tracing patterns in the carpet with his fingers.

"I had the same nice illusion. I guess it serves me right for being so naïve," he said bitterly.

"No!" Wufei exclaimed, cupping Quatre's hands in his own. "No, don't say that. He had no right to come and break you this way. Quatre you're only fifteen! You should have had the opportunity to keep your illusions while you are young."

"I'm a gundam pilot, Wufei. I wasn't very innocent before this all happened you know."

"The ability to kill a man's body is much different from the ability to commit violence to a man's soul. There is innocence and there is innocence. It was wrong, what he did, and I am so very sorry you went through that. I am sorry I couldn't keep you safe, my friend."

"Oh Wufei, it wasn't your fault! There was nothing you could have done. You weren't there," Quatre said, horrified that his friend would blame himself.

"Exactly," Wufei stated. "I was not there and I am sorry. I should have been. I let you down."

"No, no…Wufei, if you had known what would happen you would have stopped it, right?"

"Of course-"

"But you didn't know. You couldn't have known. None of us can see the future Wufei. If I had known I would have stayed with the Maguanacs. But I didn't. You can't take the blame for this Wufei."

"Well then, you can't take the blame for this either."

Quatre bit his lip and hugged his knees tighter to his chest. He didn't speak for a long moment. When he finally did his voice was no louder then a whisper.

"Sometimes it's easier if I think of it as my fault. That I did something to make him want to…hurt me. Then maybe I could change whatever I did wrong and…it won't happen anymore. I'll be safe and I won't have to be afraid of every damn footstep behind me, of every stranger who smiles at me, of every small enclosed space, of falling asleep, of the darkness and shadows in the corners of my very own room….I wouldn't have to be afraid. And I could just go back into the world and be normal again. If I could just figure out what I did wrong…."

Quatre's voice broke on the last word and the tears that had been threatening finally fell, dripping down onto his shirt and dampening the fabric. Wufei moved closer, bringing an arm around the slim shoulders of the sobbing boy and hugging him close in a gesture of comfort.

"I'm sorry," Quatre choked, trying to stop his tears, mortified at losing control before his Chinese friend. "I'm sorry."

Wufei shook his head and drew Quatre further into the circle of his arms.

"You did nothing wrong. Quatre, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"Then why? Why did this happen? Am I such a bad person that this should happen to me? Did I offend Allah? Is it because I'm a Gundam pilot? It just feels like…I'm being punished and I don't know why. And no one will tell me! Tell me…Wufei…tell me…why?"

Helplessly, Wufei said, "I don't think it's something that can be explained. Not to any point that it would make sense. This isn't…I cannot label this. I cannot give you an answer, Quatre."

"I know," the blond boy sighed, dragging a sleeve across the wetness that speckled his cheeks. "It was a stupid question anyway. I don't need to know why. It doesn't matter why. It's just because, because, because, because, becuzzzz…."

Sometimes silence is the only right answer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Heero closed his laptop and looked at his watch. It had been a few hours and Duo had not come back yet. Heero tried to stop the sick feeling of worry that was settling itself in his stomach at the braided boy's absence from his sight but he couldn't help it. Helplessness was not an emotion that sat well with Heero Yuy. He didn't like it. Not at all.'Just think how Quatre must feel. His helplessness…'

Heero tried his best not to think about it. He knew that his paranoia and guilt had caused enough problems already. Duo was upset, Trowa looked devastated, Wufei was disapproving, and Quatre….Quatre was angry.

It might have been a good thing. Anger is better then sadness any day. Anger was something Heero could deal with. After all, he dealt with it himself everyday.

Sighing, Heero got up from his desk and opened the door to his room, intending to go look for Duo and coax him out of hiding long enough to have lunch. And maybe he could get Quatre to eat something as well….

Heero's plans changed when he stumbled onto a stricken looking Trowa Barton, who knelt in the hallway in front of Quatre's door. The uni-banged boy's eyes were glassy and painful to look at, Heero winced inwardly when he saw them.

"Trowa?" he said softly, crouching down beside him carefully. "Are you okay?"

Tear-filled green eyes turned towards his. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

Settling next to the brunette, Heero abandoned his plan of finding Duo. Trowa needed him more right now.

"Quatre wasn't really mad at you, you know. He knows you only wanted to protect him, to keep him safe."

"I never thought he was weak," Trowa replied softly, wiping at his cheeks for moisture that wasn't there.

Heero hesitated and then placed a steady hand on Trowa's back. He wasn't used to offering human contact as comfort, usually if Duo needed such reassurances he would initiate it. Plus he was tentative about crossing any boundaries with the tall, green-eyed soldier. Trowa wouldn't normally let anyone except the little blond Arabian touch him.'It should be Quatre doing this, or Duo. Even Wufei is better at calming and soothing wounded spirits then I am. I'm no good at dealing with such raw emotions. I act on them but I cannot analyze them or speak of them. But Duo is…elsewhere and Quatre has other things to deal with so I guess it has to be me.'

Silently hoping that he wouldn't mess up, Heero pulled Trowa into a slow hug, giving him ample opportunity to shift away. Surprisingly, Trowa only stiffened minutely and then he allowed himself to collapse on Heero's shoulder, rubbing his face into the smooth fabric of the boy's tank top. A few shuddering breaths later he was able to compose himself and his eyes no longer took that dead sheen. Heero waited patiently, not saying anything because he really didn't know what he could say that didn't sound trite and patronizing and inherently false, but Trowa didn't mind either way. The silence was better then what it had been before. This was…comfortable, understanding, or at least non-judgmental. And there really was nothing to be said that hadn't been said already. He breathed in the gunpowder and old blood scent that clung to Heero's skin and murmured a quiet thank you against the warm flesh. The Japanese boy did not speak but the callused fingertips that swept across Trowa's forehead were gentle and he understood the silent affection and support behind the gesture.

"You should probably go find Duo," Trowa said, his voice sounding louder then it was in the stillness of the hallway.

"You going to be okay?" Heero asked.

"I'll be fine. I'm a survivor."

Heero suspected there was more to the wryly spoken words then what he heard but decided not to push right then. Afterall, he did want to find Duo before the boy could get himself into any mischief and he still had not gotten rid of the slightly paranoid feeling of wanting everyone near so he could watch over them.

Heero nodded and released Trowa from his arms so the boy could stand up.

"I think I'll go to the kitchen a see about lunch," Trowa said, brushing the dust from the floor off his pants with practiced nonchalance before tossing a wistful glance towards the closed bedroom door. "Quatre and Wufei will probably be hungry after they finish their talk."

"Hn." Heero nodded again and added, "If I find Duo in time he'll want to eat as well."

"No doubt of that," Trowa said, a small smile gracing his face as he remembered the braided boy's seemingly endless appetite. "I'll make enough for everybody, just in case."

Heero made an approving noise and turned to go. He paused before he reached the stairs, turning to look back at the taller pilot.

"Trowa?"

"Hm?"

"Everything's going to be just fine."

Again, that small smile. "Sure Heero."

The other boy had made it fully down the stairs and to the door before Trowa called him back.

"Hey Heero?"

"Hn?"

"Thank you. I mean it."

Heero searched his memory for a proper response to such a declaration, found all the ones supplied by his training and rejected them, instead pulling up something Duo had once said to him after he had helped him bandage his wounds after a very bad mission.

"Don't mention it. What's family for anyway?"

The door shut and Trowa Barton made his way to the kitchen feeling decidedly better then he had in days.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Duo walked through the streets, deliberately taking the back alleys and dangerous cross sections of the town. Essentially he was looking for a fight and hoping some nice, idiotic young street punk would oblige. Unfortunately at one in the afternoon all the street punks seemed to be home in bed or sleeping off a night of drugs and alcohol somewhere. Or maybe they were vampires who disappeared without darkness in which to hide. Either way they weren't around and Duo was getting frustrated.

"I just want to pick a fight goddammit," he muttered, making his way through the garbage-strewn streets. "I always seem to find them when I don't want them. Why can't I find one now? This is some kind of cosmic comedy routine I swear."

Viciously, Duo kicked at a dented can and sent is crashing into the wall with a loud clatter.

"Hey faggot! Get the fuck out of our ally!"

Duo spun around and grinned as he found himself confronted with three buggy-eyed teens with multiple piercings and matching scowls on their faces.

"Ah, here we go!" he remarked brightly to himself. "I was beginning to think that this might be a dull neighborhood. Glad you finally decided to show up."

"What the hell are talking about faggot?"

"Is that the only word you know or is your vocabulary higher?" Duo inquired innocently, instinctively crouching down into his preferred fighter's stance, his weight slightly more distributed on his left foot, hands flexed and curved but not into fists.

"Motherfucking cocksucker!!"

"Oops, my mistake. Guess you're smarter then you look."

"You're dead punk." One of the thugs moved forward, his meaty fists wrapped around a length of metal pipe. Grinning widely, he swung the pipe at Duo's head.

Easily dodging the slow-moving arc that the pipe was taking, Duo ducked underneath and swung a punch into the thug's stomach, digging into the soft flesh. The thug's eyes widened in surprise and he dropped the pipe and doubled over, retching. Duo stepped back and brushed his hands together, frowning.

"Hm. Didn't go unconscious, dammit. I've got to ask Heero how he manages to do that."

The other two thugs shook off their temporary shock at seeing one of their companions go down so easily and rushed Duo brandishing various knives. Duo dodged one of the stabbing blades and grabbed the arm in his way, bringing it down onto one knee and breaking it as cleanly as he would a twig. The thug attached to the arm screamed in pain and fell to the ground in an ungraceful heap. He did, however, manage to trip Duo on the way down with his flailing limbs and the gundam pilot hit the ground hard, cursing.

"Gotcha now fag!" the remaining uninjured thug crowed, swooping his blade down, aimed at Duo's throat.

Duo caught the arm before it could descend and aimed a quick kick at the thug's groin. The man went down immediately, his face screwed up in pain. Duo took the knife and slid it into his boot, patting it affectionately.

"Thanks for the blade man. I've been meaning to get a new one," he said, grinning at the fallen man clutching his privates. His grin faded, however, as he heard a distinct click from behind.

"Turn around fag. Slowly."

Duo cursed and raised his hands to his eye level, turning slowly. The thug he had taken out first had gotten back up and was now packing heat. The gun pointed at his head wasn't very powerful, but it would do the job at point blank range.

"Good boy," the thug sneered, licking his lips. "I'm gonna wrap that faggy braid around your neck and watch you turn blue. Then I'm going to have some…fun."

Calling himself all kinds of idiot, Duo calculated whether or not he could dodge a bullet at such close range. The odds didn't look good. Then something in the background caught Duo's eye and he grinned.

"Hey buddy, there's something behind you."

"Nice try faggot, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for that old trick," the thug laughed.

"Could have fooled me," a cold nasal voice said.

The thug spun wildly around but a bullet caught him in the throat before he could turn completely. His last sight was of a messy haired Japanese boy staring down at him with cold blue eyes. The other two punks saw their leader slam lifelessly to the ground and gathered what strength they had to run away.

Duo sighed with relief as the body went down, his shoulder relaxing with the knowledge that he wouldn't meet his maker today.

"Thank Hee-chan," he said, tossing his lover a grin.

"Stupid," the Japanese boy spat harshly. "Idiot. Baka. What if I hadn't been there? What would have happened then? You fucking idiot you never think do you? You never think about the consequences of your actions. You selfish, stupid, asshole."

Duo gulped and took a step back as the boy came closer, his eyes blazing with barely contained fury. This was as mad as he'd ever seen Heero. More then the time he'd put a virus on his laptop in order to get attention. More even then the time he'd thrown out all of Heero's clothes. He was a dead man.

"H-Hee-chan…..I know it was stupid-"

"Moron! Fucking idiotic, brainless moron!" Heero cornered Duo and the braided boy ducked, thinking he was about to be hit. He started in surprise when he felt Heero's arms enfold around him and a face bury itself in his chest.

"H-Heero?"

"Idiot!" the word was sobbed. "How could you do that? What if you'd died? What would I do then, huh? What the fuck would I do then?! You stupid, stupid idiot!!"

"Heero…you're shaking…" Duo suddenly felt extremely guilty about what he'd almost provoked. He held Heero closer, slowly stroking the japanese boy's hair. "It's alright now," he soothed. "I'm okay. We're both okay."

"Don't you ever do that again," Heero gasped.

"I won't. I'm so sorry Heero."

"Promise me. Swear it!"

"I swear it," Duo said, "I won't ever be so stupid again."

"Baka," Heero muttered, fisting his hands into Duo's shirt so tightly he almost ripped the fabric. "You are such a baka."

Getting no argument from Duo, they stayed locked together in silence for a few more minutes before slowly walking back to the safehouse. Even then, Heero refused to let go of Duo's sleeve, his furious gaze keeping even the most opinionated of homophobics from commenting.