Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Waitress ( Chapter 18 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story. "Jerk-Off" is a song by Tool.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and 3x4/1x2 content.

~*~

THE WAITRESS

So i want to kill this waitress
she's worked here a year longer than i
if i did it fast you know that's an act of kindness

but i believe in peace
oh, i believe in peace, bitch
i believe in peace

i want to kill this waitress
i can't believe this violence in mind
and is her power all in her club sandwich

but i believe in peace
oh, i believe in peace, bitch
i believe in peace

i want to kill this killing wish
there're too many stars and not enough sky
boys all think she's living kindness
ask a fellow waitress
ask a fellow waitress

Tori Amos

~*~

Bleeding On the Inside - Chapter 18 - Waitress

"I'm not hungry."

Wufei resisted the urge to throw something. Barely. Quatre had been sitting in his room for days now, only eating the barest minimum of food, sometimes even less, and Wufei was sick of it. More importantly, he was sick of Trowa's constant pacing and worrying. The green-eyed pilot was driving them all nuts with his intense anxiety. Heero was more paranoid then normal, especially after Duo's stunt the week before in nearly getting himself killed. Duo's emotions were all over the place. One moment he would be laughing and joking like he hadn't a care in the world, and the next he would be so depressed that not even Heero could get him to smile. Trowa had drawn into himself even more, his isolation overpowered only by the aura of guilt he had wrapped around himself. Quatre had still refused to talk to him, but then, Quatre had refused to talk to anybody recently.

"Look Quatre," Wufei started, after a deep calming breath, "you have to eat something. I don't care what it is. Soup, ice cream, pickles, soy sauce…whatever…but you have to eat something. And I think you should get dressed and come out of your room for a while."

"I'm not hungry," the blond repeated, sulkily.

Wufei growled and stomped over to where the boy was sitting on the bed, one leg drawn up to his chest, protectively. Moving slowly, he grasped Quatre's thin shoulders and turned the boy towards him, glaring at him until watery blue eyes met his own. Quatre's flesh was cold under Wufei's hands and the blond flinched at the touch. His mouth twisted into a displeased frown.

"Eat. Something. You look horrible, like a strong wind could bowl you over," Wufei said, his eyes observing just how much weight Quatre had lost ever since…the incident.

"I'm not-"

"If you say you're not hungry one more time I'll slap you, I swear it," Wufei hissed.

Tears filled Quatre's eyes and his head drooped on his neck, like he couldn't find the energy to support his own body anymore. "Wufei please," he said, his voice almost too soft to hear, "I just can't put anything in my mouth right now. I'll throw up. I'll eat later, I promise."

"How about a milkshake? Some tea? You need sugar in your body, and I don't care how you get it but I'm not going to watch you just waste away until you-"

"Die?"

Wufei held his breath, his muscles tensing at the mention of something he knew he didn't want to discuss. "Quatre…"

The blond boy pulled out of his grasp with a snort. "You don't have to hide it. I know what you're thinking…what all of you are thinking. That I'm going to turn suicidal and you'll just waltz into my room one morning and find me without a pulse. Go on, admit it! You think I want to die, don't you! You think I want to DIE!"

"Shut up!" Wufei yelled, his hands clenching into fists. "You're not going to die, so just stop talking about it."

"You don't know, do you," the smaller boy said, quite calmly. "You have no control over fate. You don't know what I'm thinking. Besides, my blood test results haven't come back yet. I could be dying as we speak and you wouldn't know it. Not until it's too late."

The Asian boy had had enough. This was too much for him to take at one time. Continuing the conversation might make him do something he would regret later on. And he had no desire to hurt his friend anymore then he already had. Wufei stammered out another plea for Quatre to 'please eat something' and then retreated to his own room and sanctuary. Quatre stared at the close door he had left from and sighed.

"I don't want to die, Wufei," he said to the empty room. "But this isn't living."

In the next room, Heero Yuy, who had been eavesdropping through the door, silently agreed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I'm going out."

Duo blinked in surprise as he watched his boyfriend grab a light jacket from the closet and strap a weapon under his left arm. Heero hadn't left his side for days, and although the close contact was driving Duo a little insane, he wondered what had happened to make Heero change his mind about sticking close.

"Not that I mind or anything, 'cause you were kind of bugging me with the mother hen act, but why the sudden need to take off? We got a mission I don't know about," Duo asked, leaning with exaggerated casualness against the wall.

"I need to take care of something."

Duo's eyes narrowed as he took in the extra ammo Heero was pocketing. "You're not planning anything…rash, are you Hee-chan? I want to come with you-"

A hand closed around his wrist and Duo found his lips suddenly captured by an insistent mouth. The kiss was hard and searching, distracting. Duo recognized the diversion for what is was but decided to go along with it anyway. Heero would tell him eventually, and his boyfriend wasn't one for taking unnecessary risks…not where the mission was concerned, anyway. After giving one last swipe across Heero's lips with his tongue, Duo pulled away and tried to catch his breath.

"You know lover-mine," he panted, "if you didn't want me to tag along, a gun to the face and a short 'none of your business baka' would have done fine. Now I'm being left behind and I'm horny too."

Heero flinched and directed his gaze to the carpet. 'Should have known that wouldn't work. He's probably pissed at me for being sneaky now.'

"Hey," Duo said, catching up Heero's hand in his own and giving it a squeeze. "Guess you'll just have to make it up to me when you get back. Obviously I've been too lax with your discipline lately. We'll have to remedy that right away."

Heero smiled and then blushed when he saw the lecherous grin on his boyfriend's face. Relief at the fact that Duo wasn't mad at him gave way to nervousness. 'Oh shit…'

"No whipped cream," he pleaded. "It took us four hours to get the stuff out of the carpet last time."

Duo pouted and then grinned. "Fine, no whipped cream. I've got something better in mind."

"Like what?"

"None of your business nosy pants. Didn't you have someplace you needed to go?"

Heero was extremely reluctant to leave now. But still…a mission was a mission. "I'll back as soon as I can. Don't wait up, okay?"

"Sure," Duo sighed. "Whatever you say buddy. Just don't come back all shot full of holes, all right?"

Heero gave him a smirk, which Duo took to mean 'of course not baka,' and started out the door. Duo watched him go with something like fear tightening in his belly. He still hadn't gotten rid of that feeling that horrible things would happen to his friends as soon as he let them out of his sight. 'Heero's a big boy,' he reassured his stomach, which was trying to do flips that would make Trowa envious, 'He can take care of himself.'

Still, Duo couldn't help himself from dashing out the door and calling after Heero, who was half-way down the street by this point. He caught up to the short-haired boy and gave him one last furious kiss. Mystified, Heero held on and returned the kiss, waiting until Duo had calmed enough before letting go.

"Just promise me you'll be careful," Duo whispered, afraid that if he spoke any louder his voice would break.

"I promise." Heero gave Duo what he hoped was a comforting pat on the shoulder and then took off at a run, not wanting to prolong the goodbye anymore. 'I promise I'll stay safe for you, Duo.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quatre held his hand over the doorknob, debating whether or not to venture from the room he had locked himself in for days. On one hand, he was beginning to get cabin fever. He was pretty sure that if he had to stare at the same tastefully decorated four walls any longer he was going to scream. On the other hand, going outside meant possible running into people he didn't know how to talk to at the moment. It wasn't as if he didn't want to talk to his friends, he just wasn't sure he could think of anything normal, anything safe to talk about.

'Stupid stupid stupid. Wufei's right, I need to eat something and I need to stop being so scared that I can't even leave my room without feeling like throwing up. I want…I need to be normal again. So…'

"So open the door, moron," Quatre chided himself. His fingers tightened on the knob and slowly swung the door open to the empty hallway.

Taking a deep breath, Quatre pushed himself to walk down the stairs towards the kitchen. A brief wave of vertigo almost plunged him down the steps and Quatre kept a white-knuckled grip on the banister until the spots dancing before his eyes disappeared.

"Guess I really do need to eat something," he murmured to himself.

"No shit."

Quatre jumped at the voice and lost his footing again, but strong arms caught him before he could crack his head open on the hard-wood floor.

"Oh crap," Duo said, his braid swinging over his shoulder as he looked down at the blond bundle he had gripped in his arms. "I didn't mean to startle you, Quat! Shit, I'm sorry, you almost took a dive there, buddy. Are you okay? Want me to help you back to your room? You look like hell, 'scuse my saying so. Glad to see you're out of those fuzzy animal pajamas though. Not that they weren't cute, it's just, they were starting to get just a bit rank. I'm no spring rose either, but that's just because I haven't figured out how to work the washing machine yet. Wuffers said he'd teach me but that was before I hid his relaxation candles and he got all pissy."

Quatre smiled. 'Some things never change.'

"Actually Duo, could you help me to the kitchen. I think I need to eat something. Badly."

Duo blinked and then grinned widely. "Sure thing buddy! Let's just get you some munchies. Wufei said you weren't eating much and I got to tell you man, I think you pissed him off by refusing to eat those sea-weed protein things he made. Tell you the truth, I don't blame you. Those things were awful. He's in his room praying to Nataku or something at the moment and I don't know where Trowa got off to. Heero's on a mission or something, he wouldn't tell me. So it's just you and me here…"

The rambling tirade continued all the way into the kitchen where Quatre was promptly settled into a chair with a mug of soup in one hand and a handful of crackers in the other. Quatre listened to Duo's chatter and sipped his soup, glad that he didn't seem to have to supply anything to the conversation. The warm broth was good but he couldn't seem to get down much of it before his stomach protested. Quatre looked guiltily at the almost full mug but Duo only smiled and said, "Finished?"

"Yeah," Quatre replied. "Sorry."

"S'okay. We'll just save it for later. You should probably eat something small every couple of hours anyway."

Quatre nodded and twisted his hands into his shirt, dreading the awkward silence he knew was coming.

"So…" Duo said, struggling to find something safe to talk about. "Want to watch t.v.?"

He cringed as soon as he said it, remembering the incident not too long ago, when a certain remote got smashed against the wall. But to his surprise Quatre only shook his head and smiled weakly.

"Actually," the blond said, "there's something else I wanted to ask you."

"Sure. What is it?"

"I ah…I wanted to know if…that is, do you think that…" Quatre bit his lip and took a breath, disgusted at himself for stammering.

"Quatre," Duo said, "just spit it out. I won't be mad."

Quatre laughed nervously. "That's what I wanted to ask you. Could you…teach me how to be angry?"

Duo blinked, shook his head, and then blinked again. 'Nope. Still don't understand.'

"Huh?" he said, quite eloquently.

"You see…" the boy started, "I feel a lot of things now. Scared mostly. And a bit guilty too."

Duo's mouth opened at this point but a glare from Quatre snapped it shut again.

"I know it wasn't my fault, okay? You don't have to keep jumping all over me about that. What I should feel…or, I guess I should say, what I want to feel, is anger. I can't seem to let myself be angry and it's not right. I need to be angry. I need to be able to…vent once and a while."

Quatre peeked up at his friend through the wisps of hair that clustered around his forehead, looking for signs of shock or disgust. Instead he found understanding and something that looked like relief in Duo's eyes.

"Guess you've come to the right place then," Duo said. "I'm probably angry enough for all five of us put together. But you're right, everybody needs to be able to vent once in a while. And it's good to be angry and violent in the right way. Don't want to go nuts in your gundam where it's kind of dangerous. Do you want to start right now, or should we wait a bit?"

Quatre tossed Duo a grateful smile. "I'd like to start now, but I don't think I'm up to it just yet. Maybe later tonight. After I rest a bit and…get my strength back."

"Sure thing buddy," Duo said, cheerfully. "Why don't I just escort you back to your room and you can have a nap. I'm going to go see if I can find Trowa and convince him to eat some lunch. By the time I get him you might be able to eat something more."

Quatre pushed down the twinge of nervousness he felt about seeing Trowa and managed to nod. "That's fine, but can you just put me on the couch? I don't really want to go back to my room right now."

"Sure. Whatever you feel like doing. You can watch some t.v. if you get board. Uh…Heero got us a new remote control," Duo pointed out, sheepishly.

Quatre smiled back and walked over to the living room. The peace talks started today. Perhaps Miss Relena would be on one of the five hundred channels.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Trowa watched the cars drive by, absently categorizing them in colour, size, model. He had escaped the house early that morning, unable to stand the tensions wrapped and stuffed into the rooms and hallways. Quatre had not come out of his room in days and Trowa was sure that it was partly his fault. He had no idea what to say, how to deal with both Quatre's pain and his own. Memories he would have rather left unexplored kept coming back to haunt him and thoughts he was sure he'd abandoned were starting to creep into his consciousness again. If he could just separate and identify all that he was feeling…but right now it was just one big ball of hurt and he was afraid of digging too deep.

Before, he would have gone to Quatre with his pain, trusting the blond empath to be able to comfort and soothe the rough spots in his mind, in his memory. But it was impossible now. He wouldn't burden his lover-was he still his lover?-with such problems. Not when he had so much to deal with by himself. It would only make things worse.

Still…he wished he could talk to Quatre, about anything.'I miss him and he's not even gone. Maybe I'm really the one who's going away though. I should probably explain to him why…I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing…but he deserves to know.'

Sighing heavily, Trowa slipped out of the alcove he had hidden himself in and started walking back to the safehouse. On his way home he spotted a figure that looked a lot like Heero entering one of the buildings across the street but dismissed that thought. Heero hadn't left Duo's side ever since that day the braided boy had fled the house and came back with Heero attached to his arm and tears on both their faces. Neither of them had offered an explanation and Trowa hadn't asked. They would tell in their own time or not at all.'Maybe when I get back everything will be back to normal and I can just pretend this is a bad dream.'

"Yeah, and maybe pigs will fly," Trowa snorted and picked up his pace. He didn't want to be outside when darkness fell. Too many shadows lurked in his mind without the added help of natural night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quatre flipped through the channels absently, watching various snippets of talk shows and music videos. He found the peace talk coverage on channel 54 and suffered through boring speech after boring speech made by senators until Relena's face appeared on the screen. She looked tired but confident and Quatre smiled when he saw how she handled the questions people were throwing at her.

<Yes, that's correct. I want to carry out the ideals of total pacifism that my family has always followed. My dream is that the Sanq kingdom will be a sanctuary for those who want to stop the fighting and live in peace. Hopefully our ideal will spread and there will be no more need for this war.>

Quatre grinned as he watched the standing ovation Relena's words elicited.'It almost makes me think that maybe there will be a time when we won't have to fight.'

The lock switched open on the front door and Quatre felt a surge of panic before a familiar figure walked into the house.

"Uh…hi."

Trowa looked like a shade of his normal self. Dark circles could be seen under his eyes like smudges of dirt and he appeared to be exhausted. Quatre forgot his nervousness instantly and went into mother-hen mode.

"Trowa, what's wrong? You look terrible!"

The uni-banged boy seemed to loose some of his tenseness and moved a bit closer to the couch. "Nothing," he lied. "I'm glad you're up and about. We were all worried about you."

Quatre recognized the lie but decided not to comment on it. Confronting Trowa would only make him defensive and want to withdraw. Instead Quatre smiled and switched off the television.

"I wouldn't exactly call this up and about," the blond Arab joked, gesturing at his prone figure and the blankets and pillows tucked around him, "but I guess I'm glad too. My room's really boring."

Trowa smiled and sat down on the edge of the couch, still a bit uncomfortable, but not as much as he was before. "Wufei was afraid that he'd have to pry you out of there with a crowbar eventually."

"Yeah," sighed Quatre, a flash of guilt showing on his face. "I think I owe Wufei an apology. I kind of snapped at him earlier."

"He'll forgive you. Wufei isn't one to hold a grudge," Trowa comforted.

"So…"

Both boys suddenly lapsed into silence, having run out of things to say. Trowa's gaze flicked around the room nervously while Quatre cleared his throat.

"Trowa?" he asked, his voice taking a softer tone then the previous attempt at levity.

"Hm?"

"We were just having a conversation earlier, weren't we?"

"…yes, I guess we were."

"Oh. Then why'd we stop?"

Trowa's gaze snapped back to the blond on the couch and their eyes met, baby blue staring into forest green. For a moment, Trowa forgot what the question was, his mind filled only with thoughts of how beautiful the boy in front of him was, even after having lost so much weight and with such a haggard appearance. It was a matter of time before Trowa realized that Quatre was still waiting for an answer.

"I…don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt you again. I don't know how to speak to you in a way that will be safe for both of us."

Quatre digested this answer, as honest and painful as it was, and gave his lover an understanding nod.

"I'm scared of saying the wrong thing too. But I'm even more scared that you'll decide to go away from me and we'll never talk again. I don't want to hurt you either-"

"You didn't," Trowa blurted out, eyes watering at the sight of the pain and confusion on his lover's face. "It's my fault."

Quatre smiled and shook his head firmly, leaning forward to grasp one of Trowa's hands in his own. "It's neither of us' fault. No one knows the right thing to say all the time. But you told me you understood, and that I wasn't alone. I think you do know what to say better then anyone. You don't have to be perfect. We could…we could help each other to learn how to be…safe. That is…if you want to."

Trowa blinked away tears and the corners of his lips turned upwards in a trembling smile.

"I want to. Very much."

Quatre opened his arms and Trowa crawled into them and buried his head in the blonde's shoulder, much in the same way Quatre had wept in his arms on that awful night that seemed to be both decades and seconds ago. The two boys held each other in silence that was no longer awkward, but strangely comforting. When it seemed that Trowa had run out of tears to shed, Quatre gave the boy one more squeeze and then pulled back, smiling.

"Want to go get some soup? I'm kind of hungry," the blond offered, hopefully.

"Sure," Trowa smiled, and the two headed off to the kitchen.

When Duo came in a few minutes later, Trowa was already flipping grilled cheese sandwiches and Quatre was draining the last bit of soup from the mug he had not managed to finish that morning.

"Well, looks like I'm just in time for lunch," the braided boy remarked as he leaned casually against the kitchen door. "Good thing too, I'm starved."

"Sorry we didn't wait for you, but I didn't know how long you'd be," Quatre said. Duo waved the apology off and plopped down into the chair across from the blond.

"Nevermind that. I'm just glad you're eating. And you got clown-boy over here to stop moping as well. That's applause-worthy material," Duo joked, leaning back in his chair and offering a large grin to Trowa.

"We just needed to talk," Quatre replied, blushing a bit.

Trowa nodded and scooped the sandwiches onto a large plate, grabbing the ketchup from the fridge before bringing his bounty to the table. Duo wasted no time in snatching himself a sandwich and dousing it with ketchup. Trowa watched the braided boy try to stuff an entire half into his mouth with amusement.

They ate lunch in relative silence, the only sounds being of chewing and swallowing. Quatre was only able to eat half of one sandwich but Duo considered that an improvement, seeing as he'd finished his soup from earlier. Besides which, the boy no longer looked like he was going to fall over at any minute and his cheeks had gained some colour back. Trowa looked a lot better as well, but Duo suspected that had more to do with the company then with then food.

"So," Duo said after they'd finished, "do you feel up to starting what we talked about earlier, Q-man?"

Quatre's face flushed and he risked a glance at Trowa, who was eyeing them both with confusion. "If you want to. I'm ready. But…how exactly are we going to do this."

Duo grinned and there was a flash of Shinigami in the curving of his lips. "No problem. I've got just the thing. But we should probably warn Wufei before hand or he's going to freak out about the noise."

"Noise?"

Trowa frowned. "What are you guys talking about?"

Duo tossed a questioning look at Quatre who smiled and shrugged, implying that it was okay if he told Trowa what was going on.

"We're going to have a little…anger therapy."

"Huh?" Trowa looked even more confused then before.

Duo ignored the lost looks he was receiving and went on, "You know, you look like you could use a little anger therapy as well. Why don't you come with us? If you don't mind that is, Quatre?"

"It's okay with me."

"Uh…"

"Come on, it'll do you good!"

"Fine. Just promise me whatever we're doing doesn't involve a kareoke machine."

Duo fake pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're mean!" he cried, sticking out his tongue and blowing Trowa a raspberry.

Quatre laughed and shook his head. Some things really didn't change. For the first time in a long while he felt almost normal, except for the tiny tendrils of fear that still clustered in his belly.'Can't be helped,' he thought. I won't be able to really relax until I know for sure…'

"So let's go pop in and see Wufei first, and then we can all head down to the rec room," Duo crowed, interrupting Quatre's thoughts.

The boys followed the braided pilot up the stairs, at a much more dignified pace, to Wufei's room. The door was closed it took a few moments for the door to open after Duo knocked. Wufei seemed surprised to find all three boys together outside his door but he recovered his composure quickly.

"What is it Maxwell?"

Duo grinned and said, "Well hello to you too, Mr. Grumpy. We just wanted to tell you that there's going to be some loud music, maybe screaming, down in the rec room for a while. Just so you don't freak out and think we're dying or something."

"I see," Wufei said. "And may I ask why there will be screaming and loud music?"

"Tension release," Duo replied. "Wanna come with?"

Wufei shook his head. "Thank you, but no. I prefer meditation to…whatever it is you do. But maybe we could all have tea or something after you guys are…finished."

Duo nodded and gave Wufei a small bow before bounding down the stairs towards the rec room, with Trowa in tow. Quatre held back, staring at Wufei awkwardly in silence. Finally the Chinese boy spoke.

"Is there something else Quatre?" he inquired politely.

"I…I wanted to apologize for the way I acted this morning. I guess that not eating was affecting my brain or something. I didn't mean to snap at you like that," Quatre said, clasping his hands behind his back.

"It's already forgotten. I'm just glad you're feeling better now."

"Yeah. I'd better go before Duo's comes back to see what's going on."

Wufei nodded and watched as Quatre headed down the stairs and smiled. 'I guess praying to the ancestors really works after all. Thank you, Nataku. I'll have to buy you new incense for this.'~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Duo slid a tape into the stereo system and turned the volume up as high as it would go. He then looked over at his students thoughtfully.

Quatre looked nervous and Trowa…well Trowa just looked confused.

"All right, first of all I want to explain something. This," Duo spread his arms wide to indicate the room, "is a safe space. Nothing in here can harm you and you can't harm anything. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But you also don't have to be afraid of expressing your emotions or letting yourself go, okay?"

Quatre nodded and after some hesitation, Trowa nodded as well.

"If you want to punch something you punch the bag," Duo pointed to the gray, dingy punching bag in the corner, "Or the pillows. Don't punch the wall 'cause it fuckin' hurts. Of course, there's other satisfying things to do, like scream, and rant, and my favorite, sing along."

"I thought you said no kareoke," Trowa teased.

Duo mock glared at him before turning to look at Quatre. "In here it's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to want revenge in here. You don't have to be a good boy, a good person, a forgiving man in here. You don't have to like what's happening. You don't have to smile or be strong. Just go with whatever feeling come natural, okay? No judgments."

"No judgments," Quatre agreed, swallowing down his fear. It was just Duo and Trowa here. He trusted them. He could do this. "I'm ready."

"Me too," Trowa said, finally getting what this was all about. "Let's start."

Duo nodded and pressed a button on the stereo. Loud electric guitars screamed at them and a haunted, angry voice rose out of a pounding drumbeat.

"Close your eyes," Duo ordered, shouting over the music. "Just listen to the lyrics and feel."

Someone told me once
that there's a right and wrong,
and that punishment
would come to those
who dare to cross the line.

Quatre concentrated on the lyrics, his eyes tightly shut and fists clenched at his sides. He could feel his blood pounding in rhythm with the song as he struggled with the feelings the music triggered.

But it must not be true
for jerk-offs like you.
Maybe it takes longer to catch a total asshole.
but I'm tired of waiting.
Maybe it's just bullshit and I should play GOD,
and shoot you myself.
Because I'm tired of waiting.

Trowa gasped at the fury in the voice and the images that danced in front of his closed eyelids. This was pure anger, pure revenge-seeking fury and disgust. It was the same thing he'd felt at the police station, the same almost overpowering rage at the system that was failing his lover. He'd stuffed the violence down into himself to deal with at a later time. 'I guess this is a later time,' he thought and opened his eyes a sliver to peek at Quatre. The blond was very pale and his hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists but his face was calm and his eyes remained tightly shut.

Consequences dictate
our course of action
and it doesn't matter what's right.
It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD
and shoot you myself.
I'm very tired of waiting.

Duo felt the familiar throb of the music in his ears and sighed, mouthing the words to himself. He let the images of blood and violence creep over him and named each action, each imaginary strike of the fist or shot of the gun, each swing of the scythe, and let it go from his system, out into the music where it couldn't hurt him. Tension rippled through his body and then drained out of him, like water. Duo longed for the punching bag but told himself to be patient. 'Tro and Quat are going to need some guidance here. I doubt that they've let themselves acknowledge their anger that much, let alone work through it.'

I should
kick you,
beat you,
fuck you,
and then shoot you in your fucking head.

The last painful scream echoed in Quatre's ears as the tape finally shut off and the room was left in total silence. Warily, Quatre opened his eyes only to have Duo snap "close 'em" at him. Quatre obeyed and trembled a bit as he heard footsteps draw nearer to where he stood.

"What do you feel," Duo's voice asked somewhere near his right ear.

"I…nothing. I don't feel anything," Quatre responded, swallowing the lump caught in his throat. He didn't want to cry again. Not here in front of everybody.

"Don't hide. What do you feel?" Duo persisted, his eyes flickering to Trowa who had come to stand by Quatre, unconsciously offering support and protection. He turned his attention back to the blond who was frowning deeply now, his eyes still closed.

"Fear. I feel fear."

"What are you afraid of?"

"You'll hate me."

"We won't. We would never. No judgments."

"I'm a pacifist."

"Pacifists get angry too."

"I have to control my emotions."

"Why?"

"Because…"

"Why?"

"I don't want to become that."

"Become what?"

"LIKE HIM," Quatre shouted, nails biting into the flesh of his palms. He shuddered as two hands closed around his shoulders and shook him slightly. Quatre opened his eyes to see Trowa's face in front of him.

"You could never become like that. You're nothing like that monster," Trowa swore furiously.

Quatre shook his head. "In my dreams he tells me. It'll all come full circle. If I let myself feel…it's so dark inside me!"

"That's why you have to let it out," Duo said, softly. "What happened to you was wrong. You're not a bad person for wanting revenge. You're not evil for feeling anger. Feelings and actions are two different things. There's no judgments here. You're in a safe place. Tell me what you feel."

"I'm angry."

"Why?"

"He hurt me. He used me…like I was a thing and then he smiled. He RAPED me and he won't even be punished for it. I…I HATE him."

"Do you want to see him punished?"

"YES."

"What do you want?"

"I want him to hurt. I want him to feel what I feel. I want him to die."

"Do you want to kill him?"

"YES."

"Are you going to?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm better then that. You fucking asshole. You monster. You JERK-OFF. I'm a good person. I don't have to be violent. I don't need to justify myself like that. This is for me, not him. This is for me. I don't believe in violence. I believe in peace. I believe in peace."

There was a stunned silence as Quatre opened his eyes and looked around the room, somewhat disorientated. His gaze rested first on Trowa who looked both shocked and proud and at Duo who was grinning big enough to split his face.

"Yes!" Duo crowed and threw his arms around the smaller blond in triumph. "That was great Quatre. You're absolutely right. I'm so proud of you."

"Me too," Trowa said, giving Quatre a full smile.

The blond Arabian had tears of rage spilling down his cheeks but his hands had stopped shaking and the corners of his lips were turned up in a smile. For the first time since the rape he didn't feel afraid of letting his emotions show. He didn't have to be ashamed of this. This was normal. This was anger.

Duo played the song again and this time Quatre released his anger on the poor punching bag in the corner. Kicks, punches, roundhouses. The form didn't matter, all that mattered was the tension and the release that came from giving his anger, his violence to the bag. Sometimes he called out curses while he beat the bag. Sometimes he sang along to the words on the tape. Sometimes he just screamed, wordless angry screams that were a protest, a vehement condemnation of what happened to him. And endless repetition of what he really wanted to say, what he wished he could have screamed out loud that day, what he had wanted to scream every day since.'NO.'

When the last shriek erupted both from the tape and Quatre, the boy collapsed, exhausted and panting, onto the carpet. His arms hurt, his head pounded, and his eyes stung from crying. And he felt great.

Trowa and Duo dropped to the ground beside him, both wearing identical expressions of pride and relief.

"You did it," Trowa whispered, lacing his fingers through Quatre's.

"Yeah, I did." Quatre gave his lover a brilliant smile, one they hadn't seen in weeks. It was good. It was enough.

"Let's go upstairs and bug Wufei for that tea, hm? I need to relax a bit, my legs feel like jelly," Duo admitted, laughing.

Trowa stood carefully and helped the others to their feet. They made their way up the stairs slowly, feeling slightly awkward about venturing out of the rec room. It was somewhat like coming out of a cave. Quatre felt exposed but more relaxed then he'd been in a long time. They met Wufei in the kitchen where he was already pouring cups of tea and coffee. Duo had squirreled away some gingersnaps that had survived Heero Yuy's massive sweet tooth and he shared them with the rest of the group. They munched the cookies and talked quietly with Duo dominating the conversation as usual.

Time passed quickly and soon moonlight was streaming in through the kitchen window and Duo was staring pensively out into the darkness. Quatre saw this and hastened to comfort his friend.

"Heero will be back soon."

As if on cue, the front door swung open to reveal the cobalt-eyed pilot, dirty but unharmed, with a wide, flat envelope clutched in his hands. Duo leaped from his chair to go embrace his lover and the rest of the pilots followed behind, more sedately.

After Duo was through convincing himself that Heero really was okay, the Japanese boy pulled away from his lover's hands and turned to where Quatre stood, placing the envelope in his hands.

"Here. This is yours," he said.

"What is it?"

"The results of your blood test."

Quatre's eyes widened and the envelope fell from his fingers to the floor where Trowa hastily scooped it up and deposited it back into his lover's hands.

"How did you get those?" Wufei asked. "The hospital said we wouldn't be able to get the results for another two weeks yet."

Heero smirked coldly. "You'd be surprised how fast these guys at the lab can work with a gun pointed at them."

"Heero how could you!" Duo gasped.

"Relax. I gave them enough money to cover the extra cost of the rapid test. They just needed a little persuasion in order to make an exception for Quatre's blood work. I wasn't actually going to shoot anybody."

Duo shook his head in disbelief but soon turned his attention back to Quatre, who was still standing frozen with the envelope in his hands. "Well…are you going to open it?"

Quatre seemed to shake out of his trance and his trembling fingers rose to tear open the envelope. There was total silence as he read the contents inside. Trowa resisted the urge to peek over his shoulder and held his breath.'Please God please God please God please God please…'

"Oh shit…" Quatre whispered and Trowa nearly hold himself back from ripping the papers out of the boy's hands and reading them himself.

"What? What is it?" Duo yelled, his hands clenched into a death grip on Heero's jacket.

Quatre's head lifted from the paper and his smile was nearly beatific in its joy.

"I'm clean."

Duo shrieked and tossed himself at the blond, picking the smaller boy up and swinging him around ecstatically. Wufei and Heero watched with mixtures of relief and amusement on their faces, while Trowa ducked the flailing limbs of his lover and let out the breath he was holding in a silent woosh of air. Quatre laughed as Duo danced him all over the room and closed his eyes against the dizzying sense of release. He was clean. He wasn't going to die. He was clean.

Duo finally dropped the boy onto the couch and then danced away to tackle Heero, who was trying to avoid grinning and failing miserably. Trowa crouched down beside his lover and laid a warm hand against his cheek.

"I'm so glad," he whispered. "I'm so glad."

Quatre smiled back and reached his arms up to loop around Trowa's neck, pulling him slowly down for a cautious kiss. It wasn't hot and steamy like one of Duo and Heero's. There was no tongue, no rough invasion. But it was a gentle joining of lips and mouth and Quatre thrilled at the thought that he could be intimate like this once more. Fear seemed very far away at that moment. He wasn't broken, not beyond repair.'To be a survivor you have to survive. And I'm going to survive. Anyone who says otherwise and eat shit and die. I'm going to survive.'

It wasn't everything. But it was a start.