Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Me and A Gun ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, eventual 3x4/1x2 content.

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ME AND A GUN

5am friday morning thursday night far from sleep I'm

still up and driving can't go home obviously so I'll

just change direction cause they'll soon know where

I live and I wanna live got a full tank and some chips

it was me and a gun and a man on my back and I

sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants me

and a gun and a man on my back but I haven't seen

Barbados so I must get out of this yes I wore a

slinky red thing does that mean I should spread for

you your friends your father Mr Ed and I know what

this means me and Jesus a few years back used to

hang and he said "it's your choice babe just

remember I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time

so you choose well" tell me what's right is it my

right to be on my stomach of Fred's Seville and do

you know Carolina where the biscuits are soft and

sweet these things go through your head when

there's a man on your back and you're pushed flat

on your stomach it's not a classic cadillac

Tori Amos

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Bleeding On the Inside - Chapter One - Me and a Gun

Quatre walked quickly down the street, almost skipping with concealed joy and excitement. He smiled and clasped his hands in front of him to keep from waving them around in pride.

'Finally,' he thought, 'finally I've managed to lose them.'

The "them" he was referring to, was the usual troop of twenty some-odd members of the Maguanac Corps who had taken to following him wherever he went, just to make sure he was "safe". Quatre found them annoying, not to mention embarrassing. Who had ever heard of a fifteen-year-old needing constant supervision like that? And he was a Gundam pilot for God's sake! It was humiliating. So, that morning when Quatre stepped out he formed a plan to ditch his followers using a complicated series of twists and turns through back alleys, careful to choose ones that were not presently occupied by drug dealers and the like. Quatre was impulsive, not stupid. After taking a few unexpected turns, Quatre hid himself behind a shrub and waited for the confused Maguanacs to pass by. Feeling like a child in a game of hide and seek, Quatre had to bite down hard on his lips to keep from giggling when he saw the familiar fez-covered heads move past his bush in the totally wrong direction. Quatre waited until he could no longer detect their footsteps before emerging from his cover and looking around.

'Rashid's going to be mad at me,' he realized, feeling a bit guilty for tricking them that way, 'but I need some time to myself once and a while. They'll understand.'

"Now," he said aloud, clapping his hands. "What shall I do since I'm all by myself today?"

He looked down at his clothes, which were a bit stained with dirt from the bush and one sleeve of his shirt was torn where it caught on a branch.

He nodded to himself.

'New clothes. I need to go shopping. And maybe I can pick up something for Wufei's birthday next week.'

Satisfied with this plan, Quatre headed off down the street to where the best department stores in town were located. He hummed happily to himself while he walked, feeling truly independent now that there were no Maguanacs or fellow pilots to baby-sit him. He didn't have to follow anyone's orders but his own today and it felt wonderful. Smiling, Quatre paused to help a woman gather up the bags she had dropped while waiting for a light to change. She thanked him gratefully, made a big fuss and called him a nice boy, making the poor Arab blush deeply. He adamantly refused the money she tried to shove into his hands and waved cheerily after her as she crossed the street.

'People are so nice here. I wish we were staying longer,' he thought as continued on his search for a clothing store.

The country the pilots were presently staying in was not particularly large or important so it was a very good place to conceal themselves without drawing any unnecessary attention. It also happened to be the place the delegates of each respective nation, including the colonies, would be meeting for the peace talks in two weeks. All the pilots had been skeptical about the anticipated success of these talks and decided to stay close in case OZ decided to attack the delegates while they were all conveniently gathered in one place.

The small town of the outskirts of the big city provided a temporary home to the boys. They had been here for three weeks and Quatre was beginning to become accustomed to the place, having learned where everything was. So far he had liked this place better then any of the other safe houses the boys had been shacked up in. But he knew that they would have to leave eventually. OZ always found out where they were and they couldn't risk having a battle here: there would be too many innocent casualties.

Shaking his head to clear it of these depressing thoughts, Quatre glanced down the street at the row of promising looking clothing stores.

'Now let's see…which one should I go in first?'

Closing his eyes, Quatre pointed at random to a store, not caring that he looked rather silly. He opened his eyes and viewed his choice.

'Cadmy's Clothing for Men…sounds good to me!'

Smiling, Quatre headed into the store, hearing the small ring of the bell over the door announce his presence to the clerk. He glanced around at the rows and rows of silky looking shirts, sharply cut jackets, pants, casual wear...basically every type of clothing you could want. One thing in particular caught his eye. It was a suit in a soft gray colour, tailored to flatter a slim waist and thin frame. It was beautiful.

"May I help you?"

Quatre turned and stumbled, a little surprised by the closeness of the voice. Strong arms grasped his shoulders and held him steady. Quatre could see the whiteness of a shirt in front of him, the buttons gleaming pearly in the strange store lighting. Quatre craned his head up to look into a pair of dark eyes. He shivered, a bit uncomfortable. Something in those eyes…

"I'm sorry, I seem to have startled you." The man smiled. Somehow, the smile disturbed Quatre even more than the eyes had. He swallowed and wriggled a little in the grasp. Then man got the hint and let go, stepping back out of Quatre's personal space.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just jumpy today I guess," Quatre replied, able to dismiss his misgivings now that a good foot of space was between him and the store clerk.

"Can I help you with anything? Are you looking for something in particular? My name's Kyle, by the way."

Quatre took a deep breath and pushed down the strange uncomfortable feeling he had. The man was just trying to do his job. Why was his pulse racing? And why were all his senses screaming "danger!"?

'I'm just being silly. There's no danger here. I'm in a well-known store in broad daylight for crying out loud!'

"Actually, I was wondering if I could try on that," Quatre said, pointing to the gray suit he had been looking at before.

Kyle walked over to the suit and started rifling through the sizes.

"Good choice! It'll look stunning on you. What's your size?"

Fighting down a blush at the clerk's comment, Quatre stammered a reply. "I…I don't really know…"

"You look about a seven," Kyle said brusquely, pulling out a suit of the correct size and bringing it over to Quatre. "Dressing Rooms are right this way. Follow me, please."

Quatre followed the taller man, feeling more uneasy with every step. He regretted coming shopping by himself now. He couldn't explain what was bothering him about the situation so much. He convinced himself that he was just a little nervous because it was his first time out on his own. That was all.

'I'm such a baby! I can't even go shopping without getting myself all freaked out. Some Gundam pilot I am.'

"Here," Kyle showed him to a small cubical with a curtain separating it from the rest of the room. Quatre looked around. He could see no one else in the change rooms and this bothered him for some reason. He thought about telling the clerk to forget it but shrugged that thought aside. He'd look really stupid if he decided not to try on the suit now and besides, he didn't want to irritate the clerk who was already hanging up the clothes on the door and staring at him expectantly.

"Thank you," Quatre said, as he closed the curtain.

"Just tell me if you need a different size or something," Kyle said, his muffled footsteps sounding on the carpet.

Quatre waited until he was sure the man had gone away before slowly taking his shirt off and hanging it on the hook next to the suit. Flinging his shoes into a corner, Quatre looked at his face in the mirror. It was pale and his eyes were wide. He didn't know what was making him so nervous but he didn't like it one little bit. He undid his belt buckle and unzipped his pants, sliding them off to pool in a heap on the floor. Quickly, Quatre took the pants off the hook and shoved his legs into them, feeling a bit silly about his haste.'It's not as if someone is watching me or anything…'

Quatre shrugged on the jacket and observed his reflection. The soft grey colour made his eyes seem darker, more worldly. His hands were nearly engulfed by the sleeves, though, proving that maybe he was a size six after all.

"Everything okay in there?"

Quatre jumped at the voice and then cursed his skittishness.

'It's only the clerk,' he admonished himself.

"I could use a smaller size," Quatre called back. There were a few scuffling noises and then the voice came again.

"Stay right there and I'll get you a six."

Quatre took off the suit and stood in his boxers, watching his reflection in the mirror. He shivered.

A few minutes later the clerk came back and the curtain was pushed aside. Quatre squeaked in surprise as he tried to cover his nakedness. The clerk didn't seem concerned by it though; he just grabbed the other suit and left the smaller sized one on the hooks in its place.

"This should fit you a lot better," he remarked. "And this colour shirt underneath will bring out those eyes of yours." He handed Quatre a light pearl-coloured dress shirt and left the cubicle.

Mystified and more than a little confused, Quatre yanked the curtain closed and tried to get the trembling of his hands under control. He felt very uncomfortable now. How could the guy just walk in on him like that? But he didn't seem bothered by it. Should Quatre feel bothered? He didn't know what to think.

Taking another deep, controlling breath, Quatre decided that he might as well get some clothes on before the clerk decided to pop in unannounced again. He slipped the shirt over his shoulders and did up the buttons, his fingers fumbling nervously. He had to admit the colour did bring out his eyes more. He tried on the smaller sized pants and jacket suit and looked in the mirror. This suit fit a lot better and it formed perfectly to his body shape, the cut making him seem a bit taller while enhancing his slim frame. Quatre looked great.

"How are we coming along in there?" the clerk called from outside. Quatre was glad that he didn't come in again.

"Fine," he called. "I think I'll take it."

"Great," the man said. "I'll just ring it up and you bring it to me when you're ready."

Relieved that this shopping experience was almost over, Quatre quickly slid the pants off his legs and began unbuttoning his shirt. Folding the suit neatly on the ground in front of him, Quatre turned to take his regular outfit off the hooks.

Suddenly, the curtain was shoved aside as a large form came up behind Quatre. He barely had time to gasp as the man grabbed him around the waist and pulled him roughly to his body. Quatre's heart clenched suddenly in a paralyzing fear. He could feel the taller man's erection against his backside and he felt sick as if he might throw up.

'Oh Allah, what is he doing? I can't believe this…this isn't happening, no, no, no…I've got to save myself. But I can't move! Oh please...'

Quatre was frozen, his heart pounding furiously in his ears as the man behind him slowly brought a hand down to stroke the planes of Quatre's stomach, creeping lower and lower until it brushed against his penis. Quatre wanted to scream, wanted to hit, wanted to kick, wanted to cry, but all he could do was watch the horrifying scene in the mirror, watch himself be defiled and used. The fear was cold and terrible, pushing away at the edges of his consciousness. The only thing that kept Quatre from blacking out was the knowledge that if he did, he had no control over what might happen.

Hot breath poured down on the back of his neck and a wet suction that could only be a mouth attached itself to his shoulder and neck. He felt the man rub himself against Quatre's small body, holding his left wrist so tightly it bruised. The mouth bit down harshly on his shoulder and the hand suddenly slipped inside his boxers, touching him roughly. Bile rose in the back of Quatre's throat as his body betrayed him, helplessly responding to the touch. He could feel the man's smile of triumph against his neck, hear the satisfied little chuckle that escaped the man's lips.

The tears came then: large, hot and silent, coursing down his cheeks in big wet rolls. Quatre's whole body started to tremble and he felt himself falling as his knees gave way…'No, no, no, no, no, no, no…'

The man gave Quatre's member one last stoke and pressed himself hard against him before releasing the boy to fall motionless to the floor. Then he knelt down beside him and unzipped his pants, the sound of the heavy zipper sliding down echoing loudly in Quatre's ears. Quatre felt two hands grip the edge of his boxers and then pull them down abruptly. Through a dark haze of detachment, he saw the man looming over him in the mirror. He didn't need to see what happened next. He felt it all; the pain, the tearing deep inside, the feeling that things were horribly, horribly wrong and where was mommy to come fix it? Where was mommy and daddy? Where were they?

The man's nails bit into his flesh and he remembered; remembered that mommy and daddy were dead and there was no one to save him this time. The tears blurred his vision, thankfully, and he did not see the man's look of sadistic pleasure, his wicked satisfaction at taking the one thing Quatre had kept purely to himself. After a few minutes it was over.

The man stood up slowly and did up his pants. He smiled and wiped his hand on the curtain before shoving it aside and leaving the cubicle. Quatre lay still on the carpet, eyes wide open and staring into the mirror, at the body lying on the floor, at the wretched creature with eyes like black holes, at his own broken spirit. He didn't say a word. There were no words there to say.

After a while, Quatre got shakily to his feet, grabbing his clothes and putting them on his body, hating to touch his own skin, hating the fabric for touching his skin, hating…

He pushed aside the curtain and looked around. The clerk was no where in sight. Quickly, Quatre walked towards the exit, eyes watching nervously for any sign that the man might come back. He got out the door and down the street before suddenly breaking into a frantic run, panic finally moving him to action now that it could no longer help him.

Quatre ran all the way back to the safe house, in the door, locking it shut behind him. He fled to his room, ignoring the puzzled Duo who called to him from the kitchen. His feet pounded up the stairs, into the room, slamming the door shut behind him. He peeled his clothes off frantically, tossing them in a far corner of the room, vowing silently to burn them later. In the bathroom, he turned on the shower, letting the water flow so hot that it scalded his skin at first. Crawling into the shower, Quatre curled into a heap at the bottom of the tub and cried, huge wracking sobs that shook his entire body.

Tears mingled with shower water.

The hot droplets stung when they hit his body and Quatre was glad, glad that he hurt, glad that there was pain. Maybe if he stayed there long enough, he would become pain. Maybe he would drown in it. Maybe he could become clean again. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

All the while his own silent screams echoed in his head.'No, no, no, no, no, no, no…'