Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Merman ( Chapter 13 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and 3x4/1x2 content, child abuse, might be triggering. Please don't read unless you feel safe.

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MERMAN

Go to bed, the priests are dead, now no one can call you bad

Go to bed the priests are dead, finally you're in peppermint land

He's a Merman, he doesn't need your voice, He's a Merman, go to bed,

dream instead and you will find him

He's a Merman, eternally, doesn't need something you're not willing to give

He's a Merman, Doesn't need your voice to cross his lands of ice

Go to bed, the priests are dead, now no one can call you bad

Go to bed, the priests are dead, finally you found him la la la

Who could ever say you're not simply wonderful

Who could ever harm you

Sleep now, you're my little girl

Go to bed the priests are dead and go singing low again, go to the bed past the apple orchard and you'll feel nice

Two can play I said two can play

Tori Amos

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Bleeding On the Inside - Chapter 13 - Merman

In his dream world Quatre chased after butterflies. The world was simple in gold and blue. Sky and field. The wind was warm against his chest. He laughed and reached out his hands, the small winged creatures flitting between his fingers like bits of brightly coloured paper. Red, green, violet and blue. Such innocence was here, such freedom. Here he could run and jump and play. Here he could sing and dance and twirl. Here there was nobody but him, nobody…

But there was something, something that fluttered like a shadow at the corner of his vision that he could never keep sight of, something of a darker shade. It smelt of fear, but that was impossible: there was nobody here, nobody but him. Nothing should scare him here. He could not explain this shadow.

So Quatre did what any child would do with something he could not explain. He ignored it and continued chasing the butterflies, marveling at how they always seemed to keep just out of his reach. A happy giggle escaped from Quatre's mouth as he reached up once more to make a grab at the butterflies dancing above his face. But something different happened this time. This time they weren't quick enough, couldn't get away. This time Quatre's hand closed in a fist around one hapless victim, closing tight and crushing the delicate wings, quite by accident.

All of Quatre's gaiety fell apart as he looked at his closed fist, eyes wide with horror. The shadow at his side seemed to flicker and fuse with his being for an instant. He stood very still, as if afraid to move.

"Oh…no…what have I done?" Quatre gasped, feeling a dull roar fill his ears, like he was by the ocean. His head felt thick like it was stuffed with cotton. Slowly, ever so slowly, he opened his hand, watching as the particles of white dust fell from his palm and were picked up by the wind and tossed on the air. The other butterflies crowded around him, attaching themselves to him as if they wished to punish him for destroying their brethren. Their wings beat furiously against his skin. Their long spidery legs curled around his clothes. Their mouths bent as if to suck the blood from his body. Quatre screamed and waved his arms, trying to make them leave but they refused to be detached. He felt one of them cling to the back of his neck and sobbed, suddenly more afraid of these small insects then the shadow which was now hovering above him, waiting…

"Please," he whimpered, "please let me go. I'll be a good boy, I promise. I'll be good. I didn't mean to. Please let me go."

Butterflies, everywhere…covering him. He threw himself to the ground and rolled in an attempt to crush them but more came, surrounding him, suffocating him. Their wings thrummed and buzzed as they moved, the sound of it echoing in his ears even when the rest of the world seemed to go dead silent. Quatre open his mouth to scream and quickly found it filled with wings and legs and a small furry body. His eyes, forever captured in a wide cerulean stare, were the only part of his body left uncovered by the multitude of shimmering creatures. He saw the shadow above him form a figure…and the figure formed a face. And then his world plunged into darkness once more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Duo was still sitting in the attic when he heard the doorbell ring. It took him a few moments to identify the sound…normally the only people who knew that the gundam pilots were there were the gundam pilots themselves. And they didn't need to ring the doorbell.

'So it's either a salesman or OZ and OZ would probably just shoot their way in so that leaves me with option A. Maybe I'll just ignore it.'

After a few minutes the doorbell rang again…and again…and again…until Duo got sick of hearing the two-toned bell and stomped downstairs, ready to kill whatever unlucky vacuum salesman or Jehovah's Witness was being so damned insistent.

But upon opening the door, gun in hand, Duo did not find any solicitor, but rather a very familiar face.

"Hi Duo."

"Relena?! What the hell are you doing here?"

The girl before him bit her lip and looked around nervously. "Actually I needed to tell all of you something. Can we go inside? I don't want anyone to recognize me."

"What's wrong?" Duo teased, even as he beckoned the young woman inside, "Afraid that someone will see the Queen of the World slumming it in this little nothing village?"

"No, I just don't want some yuppie thinking he can kidnap me just because I don't have any bodyguards with me," she replied, stepping into the front hallway.

Duo closed the door behind him and swung around, eyes wide. "You mean you wandered out here by yourself? How did you find us anyway? This location was kept top secret."

"Dr. J told me where I could find you. I knew you were going to be in this general area anyway. The Alliance/OZ Peace Talks are being held very near here. I just had to confirm which house," Relena replied glibly, looking at her surroundings with vague interest. The house was small but tastefully decorated and appeared to be very old. It was definitely not the worst safe house the pilots had ever been in.

Duo frowned, unhappy with the fact that nearly anybody could find out where he was staying. He would have to tell Heero to cover his tracks a little better.

"What did you want to tell us?" he asked, sounding a bit impatient.

Relena sighed and folded her hands in front of her. "I understand that your mission will include infiltrating these peace talks and searching for OZ activity."

Duo nodded. "We're pretty certain these talks are just a cover for something else."

"Even so," Relena continued, "I want you to promise me that you won't do anything until it's confirmed that OZ does not really want peace."

"What?! Relena, of course they don't want peace! They're the ones that started this war in the first place-"

"Just hear me out," Relena interrupted, causing Duo to fall silent. "Look I know it must seem suspicious to you but we can't just assume that OZ is lying about the bid for peace. There is still a way that this war might cease without more bloodshed."

Duo looked doubtful.

"Just wait until you're sure," Relena pleaded. "Won't you Duo?"

Duo sighed and brushed the bangs away from his face with a sigh. "Fine, fine. I'll talk to Heero about it for ya. But I don't think he'll be too happy with the idea."

"Thanks Duo." Relena smiled and embraced the boy impulsively. Duo stiffened in her arms. Relena felt this and broke the contact immediately, looking closely at the braided boy's face for the first time since he opened the door. She observed the red-rimmed eyes and slight puffiness of his cheeks, the way he held himself tensely, as if he was restraining himself from running away.

"Duo…are you all right?" she asked.

Duo looked startled. "Of course," he said. "Everything is fine. Why'd you ask?"

"You look like you've been crying," she replied, softly.

Furiously, Duo wiped a hand across his cheeks, as if he could hide their swollen redness by willing it away. "I'm fine," he hissed.

Relena shook her head. "You don't look fine," she insisted.

Duo opened his mouth to argue once more but a piercing scream from above cut him off. "Shit! Quatre…"

He ignored Relena's questions and fled up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. Inside his head an endless litany of curses sounded.

'Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.'

Racing down the hallway, Duo nearly tripped over himself in his haste to get to the now whimpering boy. Reaching the room, he yanked open the door and launched himself inside, coming to kneel instantly by Quatre's bed where the blond boy was writhing and clutching the bedclothes, sobbing in his sleep, his eyes shut tight.

Duo shook his shoulder lightly and called to him, hoping his voice sounded soothing and not panicked and frightened like he felt.

"Quatre…Quatre, wake up. You're dreaming. Wake up."

The blonde's eyes shot open and he gasped, as if he had forgotten how to breathe. Frantically, Quatre bolted upright and grabbed for the nearest thing, which happened to be Duo. With a mewled cry, Quatre buried his face in Duo's chest, clawing at the fabric of his shirt in blind panic. Duo rubbed the boy's back in slow circles, murmuring words of comfort like one would to a wounded animal about to attack.

"It's okay. It's okay. You were dreaming that's all. It's gonna be okay."

"Everything is fine, huh."

Duo's head turned to the doorway where Relena stood, her pretty face twisted into a concerned frown. He winced.

"Go away," he ordered, wishing that the others would return. He couldn't deal with all this by himself. He couldn't deal…

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on here Duo Maxwell," Relena retorted, coming over to stand by Quatre's bed. The boy shuddering within the confines of Duo's embrace did not seem to notice her at all. His eyes were wide and vacant and Relena had a feeling that she knew that look all too well. "What's wrong with Quatre."

"He had a bad dream, okay? We all do sometimes. It come from fighting in a war, Princess."

"You're lying."

"I don't lie."

"But you stretch the truth until it might as well be a lie."

"Why don't you just go away!"

"S-stop fighting."

The arguing parties silenced immediately at the soft plea from the blond on the bed. Quatre's had let go of Duo's shirt and was now sitting quietly on the edge of the bed, his face carefully blank and expressionless. His mouth formed a hard white line across his face and his hands never quite came into contact with his own body, like he was afraid he might fade away if he touched his own flesh. Relena saw the look, recognized it, and felt her heart constrict painfully. Yes, she knew this. She knew this well.

"Quatre…what happened to you?"

"You don't have to tell her if you don't want to," Duo reassured, glaring at Relena while simultaneously trying to look comforting and competent even if he felt anything but.

Quatre sat silently for a few moments, debating with himself. What would he gain by telling? Maybe she, like the detective, would think him insane, delusional, hysteric. Maybe she would think he deserved it. Maybe she would scorn him.

'But…this is Relena. She doesn't seem like the type to do that. And I…want to tell someone. I want someone else to believe me. I want someone else to know. Trowa and the others…they might be lying when they say they believe me, because they're my friends. Relena wouldn't lie to me. I want to know.'

"It's okay Duo," Quatre said, gesturing for Relena to sit down. Surprisingly, she chose to sit in the chair across from them instead of next to Quatre on the bed. Maybe she felt he needed some distance to feel comfortable. Maybe it was Relena who needed the distance. "I can tell her."

"Do you want me to stay here?" Duo asked, feeling a bit nervous. He wanted to stay by Quatre's side and yet…he didn't want to hear the story again, not so soon with memories of his own threatening to overtake him. Quatre saw his discomfort and understood.

"It's okay. I can talk to her alone. It's just Relena," Quatre said, sounding a lot more sure then he felt.

So Duo retreated from the room, feeling a bit like a betrayer, but with a sense of relief that left him breathless with guilt. Sliding to the floor just outside the bedroom door, Duo leaned against the wall and waited. It was all he could do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I don't know where to start," Quatre confessed, his nervousness growing with each second.

"It's okay," Relena assured, her voice soft and gentle, as if she were talking to a very small child. "Just tell me what you feel comfortable with."

"I…" Quatre twisted the bed sheets around one finger, watching as the tip turned red…then white…and then blue…

"Quatre." A hand suddenly came down and tugged the sheet out of his grasp. The blood returned to his finger with a rosy blush and Quatre watched it, fascinated.

"Quatre." Relena's face was close now, leaning over him. Her eyes were wide and knowing. Her mouth was so sad…

'She knows.'

"Quatre…did somebody…hurt you?"

A nod.

"Did they…touch you?"

Another nod.

"Quatre…did they rape you?"

Silence.

"Quatre?"

Silence.

"Please answer me. Did they rape you?"

He nodded once more, a sob escaping his throat before he could properly stifle it. His shoulders shook with the effort. Relena moved forward, reaching but not quite touching.

"Quatre," she asked, her voice still soft and gentle, "may I hug you?"

He thought about it. Considered it. His head nodded without his permission. She eased her arms around him, enfolding him with a light touch, pulling his head down to rest on her shoulder. Her embrace was so different, so unlike Duo's tight hold of fierce protectiveness and Trowa's passionate caresses. He found that he didn't know what to do, so he stayed still, concentrating on breathing in and out.

"It's okay," Relena whispered in his ear. "I believe you. I believe you."

And something in Quatre broke. His eyes filled with hot tears and he started to shake in her arms. It was just so good to hear those words. He had needed to hear those words.

"It's okay," she murmured, rocking him back and forth slightly. "I believe you and I'm so sorry that this happened to you Quatre. Don't be ashamed to cry. It wasn't your fault."

"It was."

She pulled away, her eyes fierce. "How? How was this your fault?"

"I…" his voice quivered and shook. He had to take a few deep breaths before continuing. "I shouldn't have gone off alone. I wasn't wearing anything except my underwear when he saw me. And when he…I didn't say anything. I didn't fight or anything. I didn't say 'no'. It was my fault."

"Bullshit."

Quatre looked shocked to hear such language fall from the young princess' mouth. She looked dead serious though.

"Quatre," she said, "it doesn't matter if you were alone. It doesn't matter that you weren't wearing anything but underwear. You could have been tap dancing naked in the middle of Times Square and it still wouldn't have given anybody the right to touch you. Do you understand?"

"I didn't say 'no'," the boy whispered, his eyes taking on a haunted look.

Relena caught his chin in her hand and lifted his head until he was looking into her eyes. She saw the shame buried in those cerulean depths and winced.

"Listen to me. Silence means 'no.' Crying means 'no'. You may not have said anything Quatre but you did not consent. It was rape. It wasn't your fault."

He listened, watched her. He wanted to believe so badly but something kept screaming at him, telling him that he must have done something to warrant this horror. He must have done something or else…or else…

Relena could see that she wasn't getting through to him. She sighed, leaning her head against his own, her eyes fixed on the wall in front of her.

"I'm going to tell you a story about a little girl who lived with her mommy and daddy in a big house in the city. This girl had many toys and dolls to play with. All very expensive things. She even had a mini-piano that played all by itself when she turned the key in the side. She had lots and lots of dresses, in every colour of the rainbow, and matching bows and clips for her hair. She had a silver tiara that she used to play princess with.

"You see, this girl had an uncle named Uncle Brian except that he wasn't really her uncle. He was just a friend of her father's. But Uncle Brian liked to be called Uncle Brian and he would make her sit on his lap and sing him songs and he would tickle her and hug her every time he came over to the house. Uncle Brian was a very generous man. He would give the little girl presents whenever he saw her. Candy, toys, dollies, everything she could ever want. And at night Uncle Brian would come to the little girl's room and unbutton her nightgown. And she would pretend to be asleep while he stroked her chest, her small, not quite developed breasts, and she would wait for him to leave, all the while chanting nursery rhymes in her head or thinking about playing with her dolls. And when he left she would hide under the covers with her teddy bear and wonder what she could have done wrong to make Uncle Brian want to touch her. He was such a nice man. It must have been her fault. She must have been a bad girl so she couldn't tell mommy or daddy about Uncle Brian or she'd be punished. Bad girls weren't nice.

"And then one night something different happened. The little girl didn't pretend to be asleep this time. She asked Uncle Brian what he was doing in her room. He told her that he was 'teaching' her how to be a woman, and didn't she want to grow up to be a good woman just like mommy? Besides, he had given her all these presents. Didn't he deserve something in return? And the little girl thought that it must be all right because adults are always right. So she stayed quiet while he undressed her once more and she laid still when he touched her bare skin. And when he exposed his 'thing' to her and asked her what she thought she told him that it was very nice. And when he asked her to touch it she did, all the while thinking that it looked very much like a worm, ugly and slimy and squishy all at once."

"But when he put it in her mouth the bad taste and the strange way it pulsed scared her very badly and she gagged and started to cry. Uncle Brian took it out and made her promise not to tell mommy because she would be very sad and left the little girl alone. Once or twice, the little girl tried to explain to her mother why she didn't want Uncle Brian to come over anymore. 'He's bad mummy,' she would explain. 'He's a bad man.' But mommy would just shake her head and say, 'I'm ashamed of you. Uncle Brian is our friend. You're acting very silly and not at all like a proper young lady.' And so the little girl would continue to keep her silence and endure those long nights when Uncle Brian stayed over until she was old enough to request that a lock be placed on her door. She never told anyone what had happened. In fact, until very recently she forgot all about Uncle Brian, only remembering glimpses in frightening dreams that seemed like they couldn't be real.

"Now the little girl never comes into contact with Uncle Brian again, but she hears things. She hears things like Uncle Brian has a wife and a cute little baby daughter and she wonders…does this baby daughter get presents every day? Does she pretend to be asleep at night and feel fingers on her skin? She wonders…"

Relena's voice trailed off and she stared silently at the wall, her face totally calm and blank. Quatre was watching her, his hands reaching up to clasp her own.

"Are you okay?" he asked, finding it strange to ask the question that he had been asked so many times these past few days.

Relena turned her eyes to him and he found that he could not look away. They burned so intensely. They reminded him of Heero's eyes whenever he was focused on a mission.

"You don't have to tell me about fear. I know what that is. You don't have to explain to me about shame. I know what that is. You don't need to tell me about guilt. I know what that is. But don't ever tell me that you were to blame for what happened. Because I know that it wasn't. I know how wrong that is because I thought that many times before and it terrifies me, what he made me feel, what he is still making me feel even though I haven't seen him for many many years. I didn't say 'no' either Quatre. Does that make it my fault?"

Quatre shook his head desperately, biting his lower lip to keep from sobbing out loud.

"Why?" he whispered. And again, "Why?"

She didn't have to ask 'why what?' Why everything? Why this? Why now? Why there? Why him? Just…why?

"I don't know," she replied truthfully. "I just don't know."

And so they cried together and outside the door Duo shed his own tears while at the same moment, around the world, every two minutes, another child cries tears of shame and suffers in silence while their innocence is stolen. And no one can explain why.